8 Essentials of Marriage

8 Essentials of Christian Marriage
Contents
1. Appreciate the holy mystery.
2. Respect each other’s freedom & God-given equality.
3. Expect imperfections; forgive & seek forgiveness.
4. Confide fully, freely, and frankly with each other.
5. Express love in small, sensitive ways.
6. Nurture healthy relationships with each other’s families.
7. Enjoy physical intimacy with tenderness & reverence.
8. Manage money wisely.
Appendices
Maxims for Dating & Engaged Couples
Avoiding Infatuation Intoxication
Jesus’s Attitude Toward Earthly Riches
Appreciate the holy mystery of marriage.
Read
● Genesis 1 – 3
● Ephesians 5:21-33
● Matthew 19:1-12
● 1 John 4:7-21
● 1 Corinthians 7
● 1 Peter 3:7
● Proverbs 5
● Hebrews 13:4
Discuss
● What does the Genesis account reveal about God’s design for marriage? (Try to list
at least 10 insights from your study of this text.)
● What do you think it means to become “one flesh?”
● What do you think the Apostle Paul meant when he called marriage a “mystery” in
Ephesians 5?
● How do you think the truth of the Holy Trinity (three divine persons in a perfect unity
of being and life) relates to Christian marriage?
● How can marriage be a path to Christ-likeness and communion with God?
● What can you learn from these texts that will help you in your future marriage?
● Read the rest of chapter one and discuss the reading selections.
● How might an appreciation of the “holy mystery” of marriage affect your prayer life
as a couple?
Also read & discuss Appendix 1: 15 Maxims for Dating and Appendix 2: Avoiding Infatuation
Intoxication.
Quotes to Ponder
There is no relationship between human beings so close as that of husband and wife, if they are
united as they ought to be.[1]
God created Adam and Eve that there might be great love between them, reflecting the mystery
of divine unity.[2]
By marriage, we are hands and ears and feet to one another. And marriage has made the weak
one twice as strong, being a great joy to friends and a sorrow to enemies. And common worries
lighten the anxiety, while joys had in common are sweeter for both.[3]
Marriage
Thomas Hopko[4]
Marriage is a part of human life on this earth as created by God. . . . God created male and
female so that man and woman would live their lives together in marriage as one flesh. This
union should be broken for no earthly reason. . . . Human marriage exists by the will of God on
the earth as the created expression of God's love for man and as man's participation in the
creative love of God. . . .
When a man and a woman truly love one another, they naturally desire that their love would be
perfect. They want their relationship to be filled with all virtue and every fruit of the Spirit. They
want it to be ever more perfectly expressed and fulfilled. They want it to last forever. Those who
do not desire such perfection for their love do not really love.
When a man and woman have such a love, they can find its fulfillment only in Christ. He makes
it possible; no one and nothing else can do it. So, for those who love truly, the savior and
accomplisher of their love is Christ. He gives every virtue and every fruit of the Spirit. He allows
them to grow ever more perfectly one. He allows them to live and to love for eternity in the
Kingdom of God. A marriage in Christ does not end in sin; it does not part in death. It is fulfilled
and perfected in the Kingdom of heaven. It is for this reason, and this reason only, that those
who seek true love and perfection in marriage come to the Church to be married in Christ.
A truly Christian and spiritual marriage is one where true love abides. In the community of
marriage true love is expressed in the total union of the couple in all that they are, have and do.
It is the love of each one living completely for the good of the other, the love of erotic union in
total oneness of mind, heart and flesh; the love of perfect friendship.
Prayer & Marriage

Anthony Coniaris[5]
What we do on the first day of our marriage before the holy altar, we should continue to do
throughout life. Just as we invited Christ to bless our marriage that first day, so we should invite
Him every day through prayer to the Third Partner in our marriage. . . . The daily presence of
Christ can make a difference in our marriage. Remember how the wine supply was exhausted
at the marriage in Cana [John 2:1-12]. It always does at every wedding. One sees couples
enamored of each other who in six months are quarreling. The wine turns to water. But Christ
can turn the water of an insipid marriage into the tasteful wine of a joyous union. And how
blessed is a marriage where the water has become wine, only those know who have tasted it!
So, make it your practice to invite Christ into your marriage each day through prayer. Where He
is present there will be forgiveness, love, understanding and joy. The closer two people live to
the source of love, the greater will be the love that will exist between them. And who is the
source of all true love but God?
Prayer for Married Couples

O merciful God, we ask You always to remind us that the married state is holy, and that we
must keep it so. Grant us Your grace, that we may continue in faithfulness and love; increase in
us the spirit of mutual understanding and trust, that no quarrel or strife may come between us.
Grant us Your blessings, that we may stand before our friends and in Your sight as a loving
family; and finally, by your mercy, count us worthy of everlasting life. For You are our
sanctification and unto You we ascribe glory: to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.
[1] John Chrysostom, quoted in Aflame: Ancient Wisdom on Marriage by Sam & Bethany Torode, (Grand Rapids, MI:
Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2005), 14.
[2] Theophilus of Antioch, quoted in Sam & Bethany Torode, Aflame: Ancient Wisdom on Marriage (Grand Rapids,
MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2005), 13.
[3] Gregory of Nazianzus, quoted in Sam & Bethany Torode, Aflame: Ancient Wisdom on Marriage (Grand Rapids,
MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2005), 25.
[4] Thomas Hopko, “Marriage” in The Orthodox Faith, Volume 1: Doctrine (New York: Department of Religious
Education, Orthodox Church in America, 1981).
[5] Anthony Coniaris, Getting Ready for Marriage in the Orthodox Church ( Minneapolis, MN: Light and Life Press,
1982), 8-9
Respect each other’s God-given freedom and equality.
Read
● Matthew 23:37
● Matthew 19:16-26
● 1 Corinthians 7:4-5
● Ephesians 5:21-33
● 1 Peter 3:7
Discuss
● Can love be forced or coerced?
● Did Jesus respect people’s free will? Were people who came to Christ free to reject
or accept him?
● Did Jesus operate from an “entitlement” perspective? (Did he use his “title” to
demand obedience or love?)
● What implications does this have for your marriage?
● Describe ways an “entitlement perspective” has hurt past relationships.
● How does nagging harm a relationship? How do you think nagging relates to
control?
● Do you believe husband and wife are equals? Explain.
● What do you believe the Bible teaches about equality between husband and wife?
● In what ways should husband and wife complement each other?
● Read the rest of chapter two and discuss with each other.
Quotes to Ponder
Love . . . does not demand its own way.[1]
God has honored man by granting him freedom.[2]
To be in the image of God, the Fathers affirm, in the last analysis is to be a personal being, that
is to say, a free responsible being.[3]
Neither husband nor wife is his or her own master, but rather are each other’s servants.[4]
One’s partner for life, the mother of one’s children, the source of one’s every joy, should never
be fettered with fear and threats, but with love and patience. What kind of marriage can there
be when the wife is afraid of her husband? What sort of satisfaction could a husband have if he
lives with his wife as if she were a slave, and not with a woman by her own free will? Suffer
anything for her sake, but never disgrace her, for Christ never did this with the Church.[5]
How an Attitude of Entitlement Undermines Marriage

George Morelli[6]
The Evil One relentlessly seeks to corrupt the love of Christ. . . . One subtle corruption [of
marriage and family] is the feeling of entitlement. . . Entitlement is when the spouse or parent
feels they deserve love, companionship, happiness, honesty, obedience, etc. Entitlement works
hand in hand with expectations. When an event occurs in which one family member does not
feel that others have lived up to what was expected of them, feelings of anger and being used
result. . . .
The key here to understanding entitlement is to see the word "title" imbedded in the larger word.
Whenever we make a demand based on our title (e.g.: father, mother, husband, wife, etc.) we
operate from an entitlement perspective. The solution is to realize that a title is no guarantee of
specific behaviors.
The antidote to demanding expectations is to develop preferences for and about our family
members based on love, that is, preferring the good and welfare of spouse and child, i.e.,
preferring rather than demanding that children honor their father and mother, or preferring the
mutuality of love and respect between spouses. Instead of conceptualizing our expectations in
terms of an entitlement, we can frame them as invitation that others may accept in order to help
themselves.
Our Lord never forced anyone by using His title. Instead, He recognized that obedience and
respect are freely given. In the same way the recognition that all people freely offer obedience
and cooperation lifts preferences above a battle of the wills because the demanding expectation
is diminished. People often "dig in" when they feel coerced into particular behaviors because
they feel they need to save face and protect their self-identity. How can spouses and parents
forego demanding expectations and still bring about desirable behavior among family
members? First of all, spouses and parents are more likely to be effective in bringing about the
desirable preferences they seek if they are not consumed by anger and depression. (Morelli,
2005c, 2006c,d). Second, the most effective way of bringing about appropriate family goals is to
state the desires clearly and the consequences if the desires are not met (Morelli, 2005b,
2006b). Although Jesus did not use His title to coerce certain behaviors, He was clear about the
consequences of heeding or not heeding His words.
The . . . Christian marriage and family vocation is to be a spouse and parent in the imitation of
Christ. Entitlement is the subtle work of the Evil One and undermines and may even destroy the
unity necessary to meet the goals of this divine vocation. Direct, teach, and most importantly
love your spouse and family with intelligence, mercy, forgiveness, in the same way that Christ
loves His Church.
Nagging: The Ultimate Marital Over-Control

George Morelli[7]
Christian marriage aspires to a higher functioning than control of the spouse. The ideal is
modeled in the relationship of the Persons of the Holy Trinity where rancor, control, anger, and
other characteristics of our disordered human existence are not known because "God is love" (1
John 4:8). We also see the love exemplified in the self-sacrifice of the Second Person of the
Trinity - Jesus Christ, who died for us and for our salvation. The love of Christ is free of
inordinate expectation and demand that marks our disordered lives. Instead, Christ's loves
culminates in opening the gates of the Kingdom of God to those who accept that love in the
creative and life giving terms it imposes.
The Christian ideal is something that Christian spouses work towards. In spiritual terms, which
is to say in terms that recognizes the spiritual dimension of human existence and activity, the
evil one seeks to stir up the predispositions toward the disordering of relationships including the
desire to control the other person. Nagging represents such disordering because it attempts to
impose the will of one spouse on the other. Nagging militates against St. Paul's exhortation to
"Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21) - an injunction fulfilled in
a spirit of Godly love where “... love is patient and kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4) and thus a
replication of God's love toward us. . . .
Nagging coercion is basically the idea that constant reminders of what your spouse should or
should not be doing is the most effective way of controlling his behavior in order to get your way.
Frequently the individual considers it a duty to perform these reminders. When individuals do
not respond in the expected way, the nagging person often feels they have the right to be angry
and even to escalate the nagging behavior.
Usually nagging individuals are blind to the effects of their coercion. A person being coerced
into certain behaviors often feels controlled and resists the nagger . . . . He views the tasks
about which he is being nagged as symbols of a power struggle between a greater power and
himself. He feels a loss of freedom and a sense of being boxed in. . . .
When a task becomes a symbol of power, a person being nagged wants to avoid the task as
much as possible. . . . If a husband is constantly being reminded by his wife to help with the
dishes for example, he may purposely not help at all. Sometimes a nagged person starts a task
in question but does not meet the expectations of the coercive spouse. In the example of the
husband above, the nagging wife may label him as "completely uncaring" because dishes were
not washed perfectly. Comments like "it's about time" or "it's too late" are bantered about. Either
way, the husband feels punished.
In this example, the wife does not see the effects of her nagging coercion. She wonders why her
husband fails to help because she does not perceive that he feels controlled and punished. A
better approach would be to employ a shaping technique (Morelli, 2006). She could reward her
husband by telling him "how much she appreciates his effort to start doing something." In
another example a wife may tell her husband, "Thanks for trying to keep the sink in the
bathroom clean, it really helps me out. I really mean it sweetheart, thanks." She could then
gently suggest a next step, "If next time you could wipe down the shower a little that would
really be a relief for me." Research indicates using this technique makes it likely that desirable
behavior will increase (Patterson, 1976, 1982). . . .
A marriage in Christ is a marriage grounded in love: love is patient and kind, [and] nagging has
no place in a Christ-centered marriage.
Equality in Creation and Christ

Thomas Hopko[8]
There is nothing essential to human nature that does not belong equally to men and women.
And there is nothing in the redeemed humanity of Christ and the Church that is not equally the
possession of women and men. . . . In the New Covenant in Christ, the “new creation” in the
Messiah, there is the same calling, the same mission and the same judgment for all – even
though there is not the same function and ministry in those aspects of life which are specifically
masculine and feminine, such as fatherhood and motherhood in families and church
communities.
Complementary Cooperation
John Mack[9]
In Christ the war of the sexes has come to an end. Man and woman in marriage complement
each other. The husband is called to give – to spend and be spent for his wife. It is his
responsibility to initiate, to look out for his wife, to love her, to cherish her, to guard her in her
areas of weakness and to support her in her strengths. . . . The wife is called to respond – to
receive his love and to reciprocate in kind. She is to find her strength in his, to wait upon him to
grow and develop, to support him and stand by him even in his failures.
This distinction between initiation and response should not be thought of as a distinction
between active and passive behavior. . . . In the accomplishment of our salvation, God initiates
and we respond. Our response, however, is more than passive acceptance of God’s will . . .
[but] active participation in the will and action of God. . . . We cooperate with Him; we work out
our salvation, for it is God who works in us. Our submission to God does not deny our activity;
rather, it channels it appropriately.
Likewise, in marriage the husband and wife must work together; they must cooperate with each
other in order to experience the full grace of their . . . union.
Did The Apostle Paul Promote Chauvinism?

George Morelli[10]
In marriage we are to be Christ Himself to our partners. To the modern ear, St. Paul's message
to the Ephesians (5:23-30) may seem at first sexist and misogynist. . . . In actual fact St. Paul's
words broadcast the highest love and respect that husband and wife should mutually have for
each other. He writes "the husband is the head of the wife and thus wives be subject in
everything to their husbands", but this cannot be separated from St. Paul's later words quoted
that the husband would "love their wives as their own bodies" not hating his flesh but nourishing
and cherishing it as Christ loves His church. The Church is the Body of Christ. Spouses have to
work out the details of how this mutuality of love will be worked out in the culture in which they
live.
If the focus of the understanding is the beginning of the passage, describing the husband as
"head" and wives as "subject" . . . would surely be interpreted in Western culture as misogynist.
The key to understanding the meaning of St. Paul's frequently quoted passage is precisely
however the later verse: "For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,
as Christ does the church." This in fact means the wife and husband are of the same flesh and
value. He would value her and her preferences as he values his own. Thus there is an equality
in respect and love.
A cursory glance at any introductory anthropology textbook would testify to the wide variety of
cultural expressions that make up the world. . . . It is not the role of the Church to determine the
structure of any particular cultural institution. It is also not the role of the Church which was
founded in a specific culture to impose or endorse that culture as intrinsic to Christ's message.
Christ's message has to permeate all cultures. The role of the Church is merely but most
importantly to proclaim that whatever expression a culture takes, the totality of Christ's love
must permeate it. Our Lord told his disciples "All authority in heaven and on earth has been
given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the
Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have
commanded you" (Matthew 28: 18-20).
"Baptizing all nations" is not intended to bring all nations into the Jewish culture. St. Paul was
the first to argue that the Gentile culture could receive Christ. The ritual laws of the Jews would
not be necessary for commitment to Christ. He said to the Corinthians: "To the Jews I became
as a Jew, in order to win Jews; to those under the law I became as one under the law--though
not being myself under the law--that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I
became as one outside the law--not being without law toward God but under the law of Christ"
(1 Corinthians 9: 20-21).
Please permit me an example removed from marriage. The average American or individual in a
Western culture would no doubt consider "democracy" the highest (and best) form of
government. But this is not Christ's message. A kingdom, or empire could be Christ-like, a king
or emperor could treat his subjects in a spirit of Christ-like love. In fact it could be argued a
Christ-like king would never allow the tyranny of abortive-murder or same sex marriage allowed
as is in many so called "democratic' nations. There is nothing intrinsically Christ-like or satanic
about any form of government: autocratic, democratic, socialist etc.
Applying this to marriage: in some cultures a wife may walk next to her husband or behind him,
a wife may or may not own property, etc. Equal pay for equal work among the sexes, and joint
discussion of parenting styles between husband and wife are indigenous to most Western
cultures. These cultural differences will have to be considered to effectively . . . work out the
problems of perfectionism that can arise in their particular marriage.
[1] 1 Corinthians 13:5, New Living Translation (NLT)
[2] Gregory of Nyssa, quoted in John Mack, Preserve Them, O Lord (Ben Lomond, CA: Conciliar Press, 2005), 17.
[3] Vladimir Lossky, Orthodox Theology: An Introduction (Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1989), 73.
[6] George Morelli, Smart Marriage: How an Attitude of Entitlement Undermines Marriage, Retrieved 5/6/09
fromhttp://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliEntitlement.php
[7] Morelli, Smart Marriage III. Nagging: The Ultimate Marital Over-Control. Retrieved 5/6/09
fromhttp://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageIII.php
[8] Thomas Hopko, “Imago Dei: The Basis of Our Worth,” AGAIN, Vol. 10, No. 2. Original publication date: June
1987.
[9] John Mack, Preserve Them, O Lord (Ben Lomond, CA: Conciliar Press, 2005), 92-93.
[10] Morelli, Smart Marriage X.: Perfectionism, retrieved on 5/6/09 from

http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageX.php Morelli continues by asserting that Christ’s
message must permeate ALL cultures.
Expect imperfection, forgive, and seek forgiveness.
Read
● Romans 1 – 3
● Matthew 18:21-35
● Matthew 5:23-24
● Matthew 6:14-15
● Matthew 7:1-5
● Proverbs 28:13
● Psalm 51
Discuss
● What are your expectations of married life?
● How should the sinfulness and “fallen-ness” of humanity affect your expectations in
marriage?
● What is the relationship between God’s forgiveness of you and your forgiveness of
others?
● What truths about forgiveness do you see in the parable of the unmerciful servant
(Matthew 18:21-35)? How might this apply to your marriage?
● Why do you think someone has said that the seven most important words in a
marriage are “I was wrong, will you forgive me?”
● Why might these seven words be preferable to a simple “I’m sorry”?
● Have you ever asked your fiancé for forgiveness?
● Is there anything for which you now need to ask for forgiveness?
● Read the rest of chapter three and discuss with each other.
Quotes to Ponder
The seven most important words in a marriage are, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”[1]
Everyone has sinned.[2]
Forgive and you will be forgiven.[3]
Accept each other just as Christ accepted you.[4]
The whole fellowship of marriage is ultimately based on forgiveness. Two people unable to
forgive cannot endure to live together as a married couple.[5]
Perfectionism
George Morelli[6]
For the Church Fathers, the human element must be taken into account. God is infinite and
humans are finite. God is boundless and endless, humans are always in process. . . . It is in this
spirit of understanding that the expectations in marriage, both of oneself as a spouse and of the
spousal behavior of the other, should be formed. . . . We have to remember we are human.
This is not to condone or justify any personal or marital wrong. It is to focus on the good will,
intention and striving for perfection in marriage. A perfect and peaceful love in marriage would
conform to St. Paul's so well known description of love as he told the Corinthians: "Love is
patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on
its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
(1 Corinthians 13: 4-8). Mankind is fallen. We are inclined to imperfection and sin.
Realistically, as stated above no one has yet attained the state of perfection. No one can
perform perfectly in all things in every aspect of life, all the time. This "other perfectionism" is
thus utterly unrealistic. Holding on to this irrational expectation is a setup for the dysfunctional
emotions of anger, depression, disillusionment, frustration and resentment. No one can meet
such irrational expectations. At best someone may perform reasonably well in a few areas of
their lives during some times of their lives. It should be pointed out this is not to condone
mistakes, less than perfect behavior and surely not sinful behavior. It is merely to point out we
need to develop imperfection tolerance.
As mentioned above, the spiritual basis of this imperfection is that we are "broken" since the fall
of Adam and Eve (Genesis 2,3). St. Athanasius and St. Gregory of Nyssa saw mankind initially
created walking hand in hand with God, but as this "communion of divine contemplation" was
lost through neglect, Adam, Eve and all subsequent mankind "progressively wandered into
alienation from God" (McGuckin, 2004). As I said in a previous article (Morelli, 2006a): The
brokenness we have inherited from Adam we experience as passions. "Passions are defined as
the inclinations to sin." This 'theology of brokenness' should be incorporated into the
understanding of marriage.[7]
Forgiveness – the Greatest Possible Imitation of God

Thomas Hopko[8]
The greatest possible “imitation of God” [Eph 5:1] is to be forgiving. God is the One who
forgives. All of His love for man (philantropia) is love for sinners . . . . Love between sinners is
essentially expressed in forgiveness. There is no other way. It cannot be otherwise.
Forgiveness is the singular expression of love in this fallen world. If, therefore, we desire to be
loved and forgiven by God – and even more, if we know that as a matter of fact we are so loved
and forgiven – then we must love and forgive each other.
Never Go to Bed Angry

John M. Drescher[9]
Never go to bed angry. Although the discussion of the deep and real problems which every
home has is hard, it is the best medicine for making a strong marriage. To communicate means
to forget ourselves, to listen and try to understand the other’s point of view.
[1] Andrew Weaver
[2] Romans 3:23a, New International Reader’s Version (NIRV)
[3] Luke 6:37, NIV
[4] Romans 15;7, NLT
[5] David R. Mace, Whom God Hath Joined, quoted in Dreschler, 94.
[6] Morelli, Smart Marriage X.: Perfectionism, retrieved on 5/7/09 from

http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageX.php
[7] Morelli adds that some behaviors are beyond imperfection tolerance. These behaviors include adultery and
spousal abuse. Abuse falls into four categories: 1) Physical (hitting, battering, etc.); 2) Sexual (forcible intercourse,
inappropriate touching, glancing, language, etc.); 3) Psychological (calling someone by demeaning terms – i.e. “You
idiot, loser”; 4) Neglect (denying food, shelter, education, or necessary care)
[8] Thomas Hopko, The Lenten Spring (Crestwood, NY: St Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 2003), 35-36.
[9] John M. Drescher, Meditations for the Newly Married (Scottdale, PA: Herald Press, 1995), 128.
Confide fully, freely, and frankly with each other.
Read
● The Book of Proverbs. Note verses which relate to communication (both speaking
and listening).
Discuss
● What are some ways you could improve your ability to listen with empathy?
● Have you ever unintentionally expected your fiancé to read your mind? Have you
ever had unspoken expectations which were not fulfilled, thereby causing frustration
and anger? How could you have handled this in a more healthy way?
● Do you think a healthy marriage includes negotiation between spouses? Why or
why not?
● Describe your three biggest arguments or disagreements. What was the cause of
each argument? How did you both react? Were these arguments ever resolved?
How?
● Describe ways you have learned to compromise with each other.
● Describe a disagreement which you believe was resolved in a healthy manner.
● Read the rest of chapter four and discuss with each other.
Quotes to Ponder
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow
to become angry.[1]
It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need humans have to be really listened to.
Listen to all the conversations of our world, between nations as well as those between couples.
They are, for the most part, dialogues of the deaf.[2]
Never call your wife by her name alone, but with terms of endearment, honor, and love. She
won’t desire praise from others if she enjoys the praise that comes from you. Prefer her before
all others, both for her beauty and her discernment, and praise her.[3]
Please Listen
Peter Kallelis[4]
Please listen when I talk, but don’t only listen with your ears, because if you do, you might not
hear what I’m saying, for I do not only talk with my mouth. Listen with your eyes. Look at me;
watch me. My actions may be saying more than my words. You must listen with your eyes
because I speak with my eyes. My eyes are the mouthpiece of my inner self, and the inner me
is the real me, the me I need you to know. Listen with your mouth. I need to know that you are
hearing me, that you are interested, that you care. Most of all, listen with your heart, for I talk
mainly with my heart. My voice might say, “How are you, what are you doing?” and your ears
may hear this. But my heart might be yelling, “Ask me how I am; get me to talk; I need to talk!”
If you don’t listen with all your heart, you won’t hear this, and I will be afraid to really talk to you.
But if you listen with your heart, you will hear this, and I will talk and you will listen, and the
rainbow will seem to have more color.
The One-Way Contract that Can Wreck a Marriage

George Morelli[5]
[Poor communication] involves . . . one-way or unilateral expectations that exist as "mental

contracts" in the mind of the person who did the initial favor. The contracts are inherently
dishonest and unfair because most often the other spouse did not know about the contents of
the contract. No matter how realistic, valid, and fair the contact may seem to the person holding
it, the other may be following a completely different mental contract.
An example may help us understand the unfairness . . . . The favor doer may be saying mentally
in his own mind: "Ok I did this favor for you, now you owe me one." The recipient may be
saying, "Isn't it kind and generous of my husband to do this for me, he must love me very
much." The string attached to the favor is not known or agreed upon by the other. This kind of
contract would be thrown out of every court in the land because it lacks full and fair disclosure.
Contracts between spouses and family members (and even friends) should be discussed and
agreed upon. Negotiation, involving adaptability and understanding, has to underlie the
discussion.
For example, suppose a wife takes her husband to the airport to catch an early flight. She says
to herself: "He owes me one. He had better start helping me with the dishes and take the
garbage out." She created a unilateral mental contract and her husband has no idea about it. A
better way to approach the problem of a full garbage cans and dirty dishes collecting in the sink
would be to say something like: "You know, dear, I am happy to give you the ride, but I need
help too. Could you bring the trash cans out to the curb? Could you do the dishes on the nights
you get home early?"
Open discussion like this diffuses anger . . . . A good strategy to resolve conflict is to ask without
anger or judgment why the partner did not return the expected favor. The point of the discussion
should be to discover the way each spouse perceives the situation; a fact-gathering exercise
and no more. . . . Eliminating reciprocal "one-way contracts", communicating, negotiating in
honesty and truth in Christ's name, are all part of the work and effort that is involved in bringing
about a marriage in Christ.
The Anti-Negotiation Stumbling Block

George Morelli[6]
It can be seen that Jesus' counsel and the apostles’ impression of "speaking plainly" fits with the
necessity of behavioral pinpointing. . . . The definition of "pinpointing" is easy enough to
comprehend: to be concrete in describing behavior; in this case to be concrete in describing
what you want from your spouse. Indicate what you would like your spouse to do or say, and
where and when you would like this to happen. Use concrete terms to describe the asked for
behavior.
A wife may tell her husband, "I want you to be a better husband." Or she may say, "I want you to
pay more attention to me." Alternatively, a husband may say to his wife: "I wish you would be
more caring," or "I sure wish you would be a better housekeeper." These are abstract,
meaningless requests (similar to how Jesus spoke "in figures" to those who did not love Him). . .
.
In the above example, in place of the abstract communication, the wife might say to her
husband, "Charlie, I would like to spend at least a half hour before bedtime with you each
evening alone together, and just talk and hold each other. This would allow us to share what
happened during our day. I would feel much closer to you." "Joe, you are off every other
Saturday and sometimes just tinker around the house, I would love to have a Saturday lunch
with you for a couple hours and do something together." A pinpointed statement [which] the
husband may say to his wife: "Sally, I'll empty the dishwasher and put away the dishes every
evening, I really don't like dishes piling up in the sink. I would really appreciate if you would rinse
them and put them in the dishwasher right after dinner. Unwashed dishes breed germs and that
is a real turnoff.". . .
Overcoming “speaking in figures,” that is, employing pinpointed behavioral communication,

thereby avoiding the abstraction trap and by overcoming the mind-reading error, sets the couple
up to overcome the anti-negotiation stumbling block. Anti-negotiation is the cognitive set which
indicates husbands and wives should not have to confer and discuss with their spouse what
they want from the other. Conferencing and discussing each other’s wants and needs is viewed
as a lack of love in the relationship. Some consider negotiation as trivializing and cheapening
the marriage and by making it businesslike. . . .
The anti-negotiation attitude broadcasts a lack of understanding of the scriptures and the church
fathers concerning marriage. St. Paul tells us in the often quoted text on marriage: “Even so
husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For
no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it . . .” (Eph 5:28-29). The key to
understanding this passage is to see that if a husband loves his wife as his own body,
nourishing and cherishing it, the husband would know the wants and needs of his loved one.
This takes conferral, discussion, in other words: communication and negotiation....
Assertiveness is an honest and true communication of real feeling in a socially acceptable

way. . . . All assertive pragmatics must be done in the love of Christ. . . .
Compromise will always be the outcome of these “negotiations.” When this cannot be reached,
knowing their spouse’s view will be appreciated and respected. Negotiation will be viewed as a
marital tool to enhance the relationship. . . .
Instead of viewing negotiation as a betrayal of love and marriage it can be perceived as a

psycho-spiritual tool to make their marital bond stronger. The husband or wife can no longer
expect their spouse can mind-read their wants and needs. They come to accept that they have
to participate in communication, discussion and conferencing in a loving, peaceful way. They
can learn to accept the uniqueness of their spouse preferring and not demanding that their
wants and needs be automatically met by their spouses.
Staying Focused
George Morelli[7]
Several years ago I counseled a couple that was unhappy, particularly the wife who initiated the
counseling. She described the source of the unhappiness in her marriage as her "husband's
obsession with golf." She indicated that he played golf every chance he got and that when he
got home he was so tired he had no energy for anything else. She "hated" his golf friends and
blamed them for her husband's "obsession."
The husband told a different story. He loved golf and saw nothing wrong with the game and
reported that his golf friends were good and decent people. Interestingly, he communicated by
innuendo that as husband and father he could be involved in activities "much worse" than golf
such as engaging in marital infidelity, frequenting nude bars, gambling, etc. He perceived
himself as hard working and enjoyed the relaxation golfing gave him. He loved his wife and
family and provided for them. He was tired of the complaints and asked me, "What was wrong
with the game"?
It became clear almost immediately that golf was not the problem. So I asked his wife, "If your
husband was not playing golf or resting, what would you want him to do or say? She responded
that she wanted him to spend several hours a weekend doing shared activities they both liked
such as going to a movie, concert, shopping, the shore, or hiking a mountain trail. I asked the
husband if he liked those activities. He did. The problem was that because they never planned
anything in advance, he took the initiative to do what he loved the most: golfing. In fact, he
noted that if his wife wanted to do those things and they could plan them out, he would gladly
go.
On the surface the resolution appeared straightforward because no nefarious motives, no

agenda, corrupted the relationship between the couple. I approached the issue in terms where
each spouse tried to understand the view of the other. Once the wife understood that her
husband needed relaxation, and the husband understood that his wife wanted to spend more
time with him, a compromise was easily reached. Each received a behavioral practice-
homework assignment. . . . She would communicate to him what activity she would like him to
do that specified the day, time, and approximate duration of the activity. He, in turn, would
acknowledge the request, agree to it, and participate in the activity.
What seems easy on paper however, is usually harder in practice. Problems arose with the
assignment that required some fine-tuning. For example, the wife would wait until the free day to
plan an activity. Golf, however, required a two or three day lead-time to reserve a spot on the
course. Since the decision about the shared activity was delayed, the husband would go ahead
and schedule the tee time. Meanwhile the wife grew more frustrated, thereby starting the cycle
of harshness and recrimination all over again.
Refining the behavioral practice-homework assignment
How did we fine-tune the assignment? The couple decided that a period of time would be left
open every Saturday afternoon. The husband agreed not to schedule anything, not even golf.
The wife agreed not to discuss golf or disparage her husband's golfing partners. Both would do
something together in the allotted time. It proved to be a workable compromise. The husband
scheduled his golf game earlier in the day, and the wife knew that they would be able to do
something together later on.
Within weeks this negotiated strategy worked. At first the couple checked in with me by
telephone regarding their plans. Soon they planned and executed their activities on their own.
The problem was solved.
Unfortunately not all problems are this straightforward. Since this couple had good marital
satisfaction to begin with, solving the problem was relatively easy. Golf seemed to be the only
major point of contention. Nevertheless, an important principle was revealed that affects many
marriages: often the apparent problem only masks the real problem. Even in this good marriage,
golf was derailing their relationship, but focusing on golf would never heal it. What was needed
was the targeting of their real problem, in this case was the husband's need for relaxation and
the wife's need to be with her husband. Once the real problem emerged, collaboration and
negotiation provided the solution, and thus the healing.
[1] James 1:19, NIV
[2] Paul Tournier, To Understand Each Other (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox, 1966), 29.
[4] Peter Kallelis, Holy Matrimony (Westfield, NJ: Ecumenical Publications, 1984), 22.
[5] George Morelli, Smart Marriage II: Reciprocity – the One-Way Contract that can Wreck a Marriage. Retrieved on
5/7/09 from http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageII.php
[6] George Morelli, Smart Marriage: XIV: The Anti-Negotiation Stumbling Block. Retrieved on 5/7/09 from
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles8/Morelli-Smart-Marriage-XIV-The-Anti-Negotiation-Stumbling-Block.php
[7] George Morelli, Smart Marriage V: Staying Focused. Retrieved on 5/8/09 from
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageV.php
Express love in small and sensitive ways.
Read
· 1 Corinthians 13
· Philippians 2:1-5
Discuss
● Describe three times in your life when you felt especially loved by someone.
● What do you think your fiancé most needs from you? How might this affect your
marriage?
● After reading the rest of this chapter, discuss each other’s “love sensors.”
● Brainstorm “little things” you can do to express love to your fiancé this week.
● Schedule an evening with a couple who has been married for at least ten years and
whom you believe has a great marriage. Ask them to share their perspectives about
healthy marriage.
Quotes to Ponder
Love is patient, love is kind.[1]
Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.[2]
The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate,
submissive, full of mercy and good fruit.[3] – James 3:17, NIV
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.[4]
Love in Little Things

John M. Drescher[5]
I read one day of a home which was having severe struggles. Tension was building until
husband and wife questioned whether real love still existed. One day the wife was suddenly
struck with the thought, “Why don’t I do the things I know love would dictate, even if I have no
particular feeling of love?”
She began, sincerely, in every way possible, to demonstrate love in the small things of family
life. She prepared special dishes in which she knew her husband delighted. She tried to keep
her appearance lovable. She asked him about his work. She shared good things which
happened during the day and planned her work so that she could relax when her husband was
home.
Suddenly both knew something was happening. They doubted their love no longer.
Love is active, not passive. The love that lasts is not so much the love at the marriage altar but
the love which grows by carrying out the daily duties of love in the grind of everyday.
Many of today’s psychologists believe that feelings follow behavior changes. Feelings do not
come first. So the person who says, “I don’t feel in love,” or “I can no longer love that person,” is
really saying, “I will not love.”
Beauty of Love Expressed in Small Ways

John M. Drescher[6]
Listen to this interesting story told by one who reminisced about his home. “In my boyhood
days my father and mother knew very grave hardship. Yet I recall how whole days of life in our
home were glorified and even the hardships seemed light because of my father’s graciousness.
Often early in the morning my father would go out and find the most beautiful rosebud in the
rose garden. He would place it at Mother’s place to greet her when she came to breakfast. It
cost only a few moments of time and a heart full of love. But when he stepped behind her chair
as she picked up the rose, and gave her his morning kiss, the whole day was glorified. Even
the child who had gotten out of bed “on the wrong side” and come downstairs in a mood to
quarrel felt ashamed because life had been touched by the beauty of love expressed in a small
but gracious way.
Many marriages miss meaning then, not because of big things which happen, but because of an
overwhelming accumulation of little things. A wife will soon wither like a tender flower if
forgotten or taken for granted. A husband will soon grow indifferent if the wife fails to express
interest and appreciation in his daily work.. . . .
Of course, it must be said that little annoyances, aggravating mannerisms, and thoughtless acts
hinder a happy relationship. Beware of the words “You always” or “You never.” These carry
barbs. And the implications are cutting and unjust. On the other hand, . . . the smile a wife
gives her husband at the end of the day and the kiss and fond word that a husband gives his
wife are the small things that bring out the best even in days of darkest disappointment and trial.
It is easy to get behind on the small things. But by keeping up on the small things we head off
many unnecessary heartaches and know something of heaven right here.
Love Sensors
John Mack[7]
For a multitude of reasons (nature, nurture, and a combination of the two) we all develop what I
call “love sensors.” Love sensors are the way we receive love from others. Each person has a
slightly different set of love sensors. For some, love is primarily received through physical
affection. When these people want to be shown love, they want to be hugged, kissed, and
caressed. Others receive love through verbal support. When these people want to be shown
love, they want to be encouraged, affirmed, and/or comforted. Still others experience love
through physical actions. When these people want to be shown love, they want the house to be
cleaned, the car to be washed, the lawn to be mowed, etc. Others receive love through gifts
and special presents. When they want to be shown love, they want a special gift or present to
be given. Still others receive love through companionship. When they want to be loved, they
just want to spend time with the other person. It is significant to note that every person is
different and receives love in his own unique way. . . .
We have a tendency to assume that other people receive love the way we receive love.
Theologically speaking, this is a manifestation of egocentricity. . . . We tend to export our
persons onto others and deny them their own freedom to be the persons God made them to be.
Now in marriage this produces tremendous havoc. For example, let’s say that Sally’s love
sensor is very attuned to companionship and communication. When she wants to feel loved,
she wants Hank to sit down and talk to her and hold her and spend great amounts of time doing
nothing but being with her. Hank, on the other hand, is very attuned to receiving love through
helping, through working hard, through fixing the house, etc. The problem is that Sally doesn’t
receive love that way. So no matter how hard Hank tries to show Sally he loves her, she still
feel that he doesn’t. For every time Hank gets juiced up to show Sally love, he goes out and
does something. He fixes the sink, he mows the lawn, he washes the car, etc. Notice that all of
these things actually take him away from Sally. To accomplish these things he must leave Sally
alone. But for Sally, if someone loves you they spend time with you. So she receives Hank’s
attempts to show love as manifestations of a lack of love. Therefore, the irony of the situation is
that the more Hank tries to show Sally he loves her, the more she feels unloved!
On the other hand, when Sally wants to show Hank she loves him, she stops cleaning the
house, making the dinner, etc., and comes and sits next to him and tries to talk to him. Hank
sees this as an expression not of love but of careless neglect. So, the more Sally tries to show
Hank she loves him, the more unloved he feels.
There is only [one] way to break this cycle. And that is the way of divine love. Divine love
begins by assessing the capacity of the person to be loved to receive love. Divine love seeks to
find the “love sensors” of the person, and then it dedicates itself to showing love in a way that
the person will understand and receive it. This is the wonder of the Incarnation. Christ became
man; He assumed the fullness of our humanity. He became as we are, excepting only sin, to
show us His love. . . . Love in our marriage demands that we do the same.
We must learn to show love the way our partner receives love. Furthermore, we must learn to
receive love the way our partner shows love. . . .
Your partner is a unique individual. There is no one on earth like him or her. Your job – your
mission – is to know him/her in all of his/her uniqueness and show the love of Christ to him/her
in the context of the wonder of his/her uniqueness. Don’t demand that he or she change to
meet you. Rather, you change to meet him or her! “Let each of you look out not only for his
own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).
Cultivate Gratitude
Gary Thomas[8]
I try not to take the routine things she does for granted. I never eat at somebody’s house
without thanking them for providing a meal; why should I not give my wife the same thanks I’d
give someone else?
There are few things that lift my spirits more than simply hearing my wife or children say,
“Thanks for working so hard to provide for us.” Those nine words can lift a hundred pounds of
pressure off my back.
Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.

We can choose which one we will obsess over – expectations, or thanksgivings. That choice
will result in a birth – and the child will be named either contempt, or respect.
Seven Ways to Say I Love You (Judson Swihart[9])

1. Helping (i.e., doing fix-it jobs, taking care of material possessions)
2. Companionship (i.e., spending time together, being there, doing things together, being
willing to communicate)
3. Solicitude (i.e., being concerned about opinions, feelings, interests, desires, likes,
dislikes; listening, sharing, being cooperative)
4. Physical affection
5. Communication (i.e., saying it with words, expressing appreciation and admiration)
6. Faithfulness (i.e., being loyal, trustworthy, supportive, unselfish, responsible, keeping

confidences, fulfilling promises and commitments)
7. Gift-giving (i.e. doing extra, beyond the call of duty, things like giving special gifts, cards,
flowers, etc.)
What a Wife Needs

Gary Smalley[10]
1. Your wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life, more important than your
mother, your children, your friends, your secretary, and your job.
2. When your wife is stressed out and hurting, she needs to know that you are willing to
share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures.
3. She needs open or unobstructed communication.
4. She needs to be praised so she can feel a valuable part of your life.
Express love in small and sensitive ways.
Read
· 1 Corinthians 13
· Philippians 2:1-5
Discuss
● Describe three times in your life when you felt especially loved by someone.
● What do you think your fiancé most needs from you? How might this affect your
marriage?
● After reading the rest of this chapter, discuss each other’s “love sensors.”
● Brainstorm “little things” you can do to express love to your fiancé this week.
● Schedule an evening with a couple who has been married for at least ten years and
whom you believe has a great marriage. Ask them to share their perspectives about
healthy marriage.
Quotes to Ponder
Love is patient, love is kind.[1]
Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.[2]
The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate,
submissive, full of mercy and good fruit.[3] – James 3:17, NIV
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.[4]
Love in Little Things

John M. Drescher[5]
I read one day of a home which was having severe struggles. Tension was building until
husband and wife questioned whether real love still existed. One day the wife was suddenly
struck with the thought, “Why don’t I do the things I know love would dictate, even if I have no
particular feeling of love?”
She began, sincerely, in every way possible, to demonstrate love in the small things of family
life. She prepared special dishes in which she knew her husband delighted. She tried to keep
her appearance lovable. She asked him about his work. She shared good things which
happened during the day and planned her work so that she could relax when her husband was
home.
Suddenly both knew something was happening. They doubted their love no longer.
Love is active, not passive. The love that lasts is not so much the love at the marriage altar but
the love which grows by carrying out the daily duties of love in the grind of everyday.
Many of today’s psychologists believe that feelings follow behavior changes. Feelings do not
come first. So the person who says, “I don’t feel in love,” or “I can no longer love that person,” is
really saying, “I will not love.”
Beauty of Love Expressed in Small Ways

John M. Drescher[6]
Listen to this interesting story told by one who reminisced about his home. “In my boyhood
days my father and mother knew very grave hardship. Yet I recall how whole days of life in our
home were glorified and even the hardships seemed light because of my father’s graciousness.
Often early in the morning my father would go out and find the most beautiful rosebud in the
rose garden. He would place it at Mother’s place to greet her when she came to breakfast. It
cost only a few moments of time and a heart full of love. But when he stepped behind her chair
as she picked up the rose, and gave her his morning kiss, the whole day was glorified. Even
the child who had gotten out of bed “on the wrong side” and come downstairs in a mood to
quarrel felt ashamed because life had been touched by the beauty of love expressed in a small
but gracious way.
Many marriages miss meaning then, not because of big things which happen, but because of an
overwhelming accumulation of little things. A wife will soon wither like a tender flower if
forgotten or taken for granted. A husband will soon grow indifferent if the wife fails to express
interest and appreciation in his daily work.. . . .
Of course, it must be said that little annoyances, aggravating mannerisms, and thoughtless acts
hinder a happy relationship. Beware of the words “You always” or “You never.” These carry
barbs. And the implications are cutting and unjust. On the other hand, . . . the smile a wife
gives her husband at the end of the day and the kiss and fond word that a husband gives his
wife are the small things that bring out the best even in days of darkest disappointment and trial.
It is easy to get behind on the small things. But by keeping up on the small things we head off
many unnecessary heartaches and know something of heaven right here.
Love Sensors
John Mack[7]
For a multitude of reasons (nature, nurture, and a combination of the two) we all develop what I
call “love sensors.” Love sensors are the way we receive love from others. Each person has a
slightly different set of love sensors. For some, love is primarily received through physical
affection. When these people want to be shown love, they want to be hugged, kissed, and
caressed. Others receive love through verbal support. When these people want to be shown
love, they want to be encouraged, affirmed, and/or comforted. Still others experience love
through physical actions. When these people want to be shown love, they want the house to be
cleaned, the car to be washed, the lawn to be mowed, etc. Others receive love through gifts
and special presents. When they want to be shown love, they want a special gift or present to
be given. Still others receive love through companionship. When they want to be loved, they
just want to spend time with the other person. It is significant to note that every person is
different and receives love in his own unique way. . . .
We have a tendency to assume that other people receive love the way we receive love.
Theologically speaking, this is a manifestation of egocentricity. . . . We tend to export our
persons onto others and deny them their own freedom to be the persons God made them to be.
Now in marriage this produces tremendous havoc. For example, let’s say that Sally’s love
sensor is very attuned to companionship and communication. When she wants to feel loved,
she wants Hank to sit down and talk to her and hold her and spend great amounts of time doing
nothing but being with her. Hank, on the other hand, is very attuned to receiving love through
helping, through working hard, through fixing the house, etc. The problem is that Sally doesn’t
receive love that way. So no matter how hard Hank tries to show Sally he loves her, she still
feel that he doesn’t. For every time Hank gets juiced up to show Sally love, he goes out and
does something. He fixes the sink, he mows the lawn, he washes the car, etc. Notice that all of
these things actually take him away from Sally. To accomplish these things he must leave Sally
alone. But for Sally, if someone loves you they spend time with you. So she receives Hank’s
attempts to show love as manifestations of a lack of love. Therefore, the irony of the situation is
that the more Hank tries to show Sally he loves her, the more she feels unloved!
On the other hand, when Sally wants to show Hank she loves him, she stops cleaning the
house, making the dinner, etc., and comes and sits next to him and tries to talk to him. Hank
sees this as an expression not of love but of careless neglect. So, the more Sally tries to show
Hank she loves him, the more unloved he feels.
There is only [one] way to break this cycle. And that is the way of divine love. Divine love
begins by assessing the capacity of the person to be loved to receive love. Divine love seeks to
find the “love sensors” of the person, and then it dedicates itself to showing love in a way that
the person will understand and receive it. This is the wonder of the Incarnation. Christ became
man; He assumed the fullness of our humanity. He became as we are, excepting only sin, to
show us His love. . . . Love in our marriage demands that we do the same.
We must learn to show love the way our partner receives love. Furthermore, we must learn to
receive love the way our partner shows love. . . .
Your partner is a unique individual. There is no one on earth like him or her. Your job – your
mission – is to know him/her in all of his/her uniqueness and show the love of Christ to him/her
in the context of the wonder of his/her uniqueness. Don’t demand that he or she change to
meet you. Rather, you change to meet him or her! “Let each of you look out not only for his
own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).
Cultivate Gratitude
Gary Thomas[8]
I try not to take the routine things she does for granted. I never eat at somebody’s house
without thanking them for providing a meal; why should I not give my wife the same thanks I’d
give someone else?
There are few things that lift my spirits more than simply hearing my wife or children say,
“Thanks for working so hard to provide for us.” Those nine words can lift a hundred pounds of
pressure off my back.
Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.

We can choose which one we will obsess over – expectations, or thanksgivings. That choice
will result in a birth – and the child will be named either contempt, or respect.
Seven Ways to Say I Love You

Judson Swihart[9]
1. Helping (i.e., doing fix-it jobs, taking care of material possessions)
2. Companionship (i.e., spending time together, being there, doing things together, being
willing to communicate)
3. Solicitude (i.e., being concerned about opinions, feelings, interests, desires, likes,
dislikes; listening, sharing, being cooperative)
4. Physical affection
5. Communication (i.e., saying it with words, expressing appreciation and admiration)
6. Faithfulness (i.e., being loyal, trustworthy, supportive, unselfish, responsible, keeping

confidences, fulfilling promises and commitments)
7. Gift-giving (i.e. doing extra, beyond the call of duty, things like giving special gifts, cards,
flowers, etc.)
What a Wife Needs

Gary Smalley[10]
1. Your wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life, more important than your
mother, your children, your friends, your secretary, and your job.
2. When your wife is stressed out and hurting, she needs to know that you are willing to
share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures.
3. She needs open or unobstructed communication.
4. She needs to be praised so she can feel a valuable part of your life.
Nurture healthy relationships with each other’s families.
Read
● Exodus 20:12
● Genesis 2:20-24
● Matthew 19:1-6
Discuss
● How is each of your families different?
● What kind of relationship do you currently have with your own parents? (The way a
young man treats his mother is often a good indicator of how he will treat his wife.
And the way a young woman treats her father is often a good indicator of how she
will treat her husband.)
● Is there anything for which you need to ask your parents’ forgiveness?
● What kind of relationship do you currently have with your fiancé’s parents?
● What implications do Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:1-6 have for the priority of the
marriage relationship?
● What potential conflicts might you face with “in-laws?”
● How do you plan to establish a new, independent family while still keeping healthy
and loving relationships with your own biological families? What challenges do you
expect?
● Read the rest of chapter six and discuss with each other.
Quotes to Ponder
That’s why a man will leave his father and mother. The two will become one.[1]
You must work to make your relationship with your spouse the priority relationship in your life. . .
. When things get rough, you almost instinctively will want to run home and be comforted by
Mom and Dad. For the good of your marriage, you must resist the temptation.[2]
The marriage means . . . the final cutting of the emotional umbilical cord, a total release from the
family womb. . . . It signifies the time of dependence upon parents has ended (although this
independence may have started sometime earlier), and the period of interdependence of the
partners has begun.[3]
Turn in-laws into “in-loves.[4]

Romance and Relatives
John M. Drescher[5]
The ardent young man who told his wife-to-be, “I’m marrying you; I’m not marrying your family,”
was no doubt speaking his adoration. He was also showing his immaturity. In a real sense we
take our relatives with us. And we can choose to take a dim view of in-laws or to delight in
those who are nearest to the one we love. Good in-law relationships go hand in hand with a
happy home.
Marriage makes us a part of a new family. Several simple observations may help here. First,
do not overlook the debt we owe to our in-laws. We have each other because of them. Our
gratitude and love should reach out to them in every way possible. In spite of all the stories of
difficulties with in-laws, most experience good relationships. Parents who have loved since birth
cannot be expected to suddenly drop all concerns. Value their interest. From now on we
belong to three families: the husband’s family, the wife’s family, and our own new family.
Rather than look upon in-laws as stereotypes, consider them as people, as human beings
having good points as well as weak points. Allow them the same freedom in having faults as we
desire them to allow us.
Second, marriage means that the relationship to parents is greatly changed. Our home is a new
creation. We should not try to make it a copy of the home from which we came. The focal point
of our love and concern is changed. Our new home, not our parental home, is now the point of
affection. There comes a time, says the writer of Genesis, when we have to leave.
Some can travel far but carry the image of father and mother alone. In marriage, our partner
now comes in love and importance before father and mother. Devotion is to each other above
parents.
This does not mean that we cease to be a son and a daughter. Nor do we cease to love, honor,
and respect our parents. It certainly does not mean that father and mother can or should be
ignored or completely excused from our lives. Rather, it means that our first loyalty, under all
circumstances, is to each other. Marriage requires a restructuring of love and loyalties.
At marriage the parents must realize that the purpose of parenthood has ended. Sometimes it
is difficult for parents or young people to let go. But marriage means that we settle our own
problems as husband and wife, and this can be a most blessed and building experience. In
ancient times, parents presented a dowry to their daughter when she married. The express
purpose of this dowry was that the young married couple might have sufficient resources to set
up a home of their own.
It is usually a sad day when a couple lives under the parents’ roof. The old proverb, “No house
is big enough for two families,” refers particularly to the problem of married children living with or
in the same house as parents. The Scripture in speaking of leaving and cleaving seems to refer
to such complications. Every marriage has a right to its own home.
A few final notes should be added. Do not compare your married partner with your parents.
The little words, “My father said,” or “My mother did it this way,” are shortcuts to discord, misery,
and tragedy. Accept each other as you are and do not crave copies of your parents in anything.
Never use in-laws as weapons. “You’re just like your mother,” is an angry phrase sometimes
used in quarreling. It is a loaded expression and is destructive.
Real joy and happiness result from proper attitudes toward parents. When parents can say,
“We have not lost a daughter; we have gained a son,” and when the newly married can
sincerely say, “We feel we have now two mothers and two fathers,” bonds are built and barriers
are broken. Such attitudes turn in-laws into “in-loves.”
[1] Matthew 19:5, NIRV
[2] John Mack, Preserve Them, O Lord. (Ben Lomond, CA: Conciliar Press, 2005), 59-60.
[3] Peter Kallelis, Holy Matrimony, (Westfield, NJ: Ecumenical Publications, 1984), 9.
[4] John M. Drescher, Meditations for the Newly Married, (Scottdale, PA: Herald Press, 1995),
117
[5] John M. Drescher, Meditations for the Newly Married, (Scottdale, PA: Herald Press, 1995,
pages 115-117)
Enjoy physical intimacy with tenderness and reverence.
Read
● Apart from each other, read Song of Solomon.
● Proverbs 5 – 7
NOTE: This chapter is not to be discussed alone as a couple. Please read the chapter
individually and privately. The chapter will be discussed at the next pre-marriage counseling
session. The next session may also include discussion of children, birth control, and
procreation.
Quotes to Ponder
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled.[1]
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.[2]
Unite them in one mind, wed them into one flesh, granting them the fruit of the body and the
procreation of fair children.[3]
In Christian marriage, sex, like so many other aspects of our lives, undergoes a transfiguration.
In the world, sex is an expression of lust, of conquest, of using others for the satisfaction of
self. . . . In Christian marriage, sex is rescued from Satan’s grasp.[4]
The Sanctity of Sex

John Drescher[5]
In the sexual union it is especially true that in seeking to meet the other’s need our own need is
best met. So the secret to sexual harmony is in seeking the happiness of the other. . . .
Sometimes couples read a book or two on sexual techniques, then find out that their experience
does not correspond. They become discouraged or disillusioned and think their experience is
unique. While books can be of great help, it remains true that there is just no one right way.
Each husband and wife need to seek for that which is most satisfying to both.
Take sexual relations seriously. Invest them will all the warmth and richness possible. Make
each experience your deepest expression of mutual love and trust. Remember, a satisfying
physical expression can endure if there is more than the physical present.
Words and actions of love are important at all times. It can be said that sex relations reflect the
health of the entire marital relationship even more than they determine it. Practice, giving and
receiving, respect, consideration, and devotion build the foundation for a satisfying sex life. And
those who do not express love and harmony in other ways seldom, if ever, experience sexual
satisfaction.
Further, it is necessary to avoid haste and hurry. . . . Especially in the early days of marriage, it
is good for the husband to remember to be gentle. So also the wife should remember to please
her husband and let him know she trusts him completely and gladly accepts him as a man. . . .
Couples who refrain from sexual union too long are likely to become tense and irritable toward
each other. Also such open themselves to severe temptations. Those who engage in too
frequent intercourse may find the act becoming less meaningful and lose the quality and ideal
which it should sustain.
[1] Hebrews 13:4, New American Standard Bible (NASB)
[2] Proverbs 5:19, NKJV
[3] Byzantine Wedding Liturgy, quoted in Aflame: Ancient Wisdom on Marriage by Sam &
Bethany Torode, (Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2005), 111.
[4] John Mack, Preserve Them, O Lord, (Ben Lomond, CA: Conciliar Press, 2005), 119.
[5] Dreschler, 40-44.

Manage money wisely.
Read & Discuss

● Read and discuss Appendix 3: Jesus’ Attitude toward Earthly Riches.
● Read and discuss Basic Money Management (next page).
● Develop a budget based on anticipated income and expenses for your first year of
marriage.
Quotes to Ponder
There is little correlation between the amount of money people have and their happiness in
marriage. The quality of marital happiness is not related to the size of income. . . . So it is not
the amount of money so much, but the attitude which brings either safety or struggle.[1]
Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in
wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with
everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be
generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm
foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.[2]
Basic Money Management
1. Figure out your exact income and expenses.
2. Work out a budget. (Include giving, savings, groceries & supplies, mortgage/rent,
utilities, home maintenance & repairs, homeowner’s/renter’s insurance, clothing, furniture, auto
repair, gas, auto insurance, medical insurance, medical expenses, entertainment, life insurance,
eating out, etc.) Don’t forget to set aside savings.
3. Give generously and regularly.
4. Purchase nothing important until both spouses agree. Distinguish between needs and
wants.
5. Avoid impulse buying. Usually something that can’t wait to be bought until tomorrow is
not worth purchasing today.
6. Consider buying used instead of new. But remember cheap is sometimes expensive. It
pays to buy quality. (Used items can be excellent quality.)
7. Pay cash. Avoid using credit cards. If you use credit cards, pay them off every month.
If this becomes a problem, do “plastic surgery” on your wallet.
[1] John M. Drescher, Meditations for the Newly Married (Scottdale, PA: Herald Press, 1995),
119.
[2] 1 Timothy 6:17-19, NIV
Appendices
Maxims for Dating & Engaged Couples
Avoiding Infatuation Intoxication
Jesus’s Attitude Toward Earthly Riches

8 Essentials of Marriage

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8 Essentials of Marriage

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8 Essentials of Christian Marriage

Prayer & Marriage

Prayer for Married Couples

Love . . . does not demand its own way.[1]

God has honored man by granting him freedom.[2]

How an Attitude of Entitlement Undermines Marriage

Nagging: The Ultimate Marital Over-Control

Equality in Creation and Christ

Did The Apostle Paul Promote Chauvinism?

[1] 1 Corinthians 13:5, New Living Translation (NLT)

[10] Morelli, Smart Marriage X.: Perfectionism, retrieved on 5/6/09 from

Everyone has sinned.[2]

Forgive and you will be forgiven.[3]

Accept each other just as Christ accepted you.[4]

Forgiveness – the Greatest Possible Imitation of God

Never Go to Bed Angry

[1] Andrew Weaver

[2] Romans 3:23a, New International Reader’s Version (NIRV)

[3] Luke 6:37, NIV

[4] Romans 15;7, NLT

[6] Morelli, Smart Marriage X.: Perfectionism, retrieved on 5/7/09 from

The One-Way Contract that Can Wreck a Marriage

[Poor communication] involves . . . one-way or unilateral expectations that exist as "mental

The Anti-Negotiation Stumbling Block

Overcoming “speaking in figures,” that is, employing pinpointed behavioral communication,

Assertiveness is an honest and true communication of real feeling in a socially acceptable

Instead of viewing negotiation as a betrayal of love and marriage it can be perceived as a

On the surface the resolution appeared straightforward because no nefarious motives, no

Refining the behavioral practice-homework assignment

[1] James 1:19, NIV

Express love in small and sensitive ways.

Love is patient, love is kind.[1]

Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.[2]

The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.[4]

Love in Little Things

Beauty of Love Expressed in Small Ways

Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.

Seven Ways to Say I Love You (Judson Swihart[9])

5. Communication (i.e., saying it with words, expressing appreciation and admiration)

6. Faithfulness (i.e., being loyal, trustworthy, supportive, unselfish, responsible, keeping

What a Wife Needs

3. She needs open or unobstructed communication.

Express love in small and sensitive ways.

Love is patient, love is kind.[1]

Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.[2]

The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.[4]

Love in Little Things

Beauty of Love Expressed in Small Ways

Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.

Seven Ways to Say I Love You

1. Helping (i.e., doing fix-it jobs, taking care of material possessions)

5. Communication (i.e., saying it with words, expressing appreciation and admiration)

6. Faithfulness (i.e., being loyal, trustworthy, supportive, unselfish, responsible, keeping

What a Wife Needs

3. She needs open or unobstructed communication.

Turn in-laws into “in-loves.[4]

[1] Matthew 19:5, NIRV

The Sanctity of Sex

[1] Hebrews 13:4, New American Standard Bible (NASB)

[2] Proverbs 5:19, NKJV

[5] Dreschler, 40-44.

Read & Discuss

Basic Money Management

1. Figure out your exact income and expenses.