Here we go again, it’s 6:30 am I have to wake up to give N the medicine.

I am used to it now
sometimes I wake up 1 minute before the alarm even rings. My body is used to it by now, I do not
even feel tired for the entire morning. But I do get strongly sleepy before the kids are back home
after training or playdates with their friends.

If I was still back in England it would have been hard to deal with this pressure, I would not have
coped with the schedule. However it would have been easier to pursue her doctors and
treatments.

Epilepsy is a big thing. Not that I am complaining, but I am de nitely not happy with it. It’s hard to
see your child having a seizure counting the seconds wishing it ends quickly so she does not
deprive her brain from oxygen and get some brain damage.

Knowing about it is not pleasant at all, it’s actually frustrating because you keep thinking of the
bad thing not wanting them to happen.

So, I wake up N and L rst, wait for them to nish using the toilet and shower, then I get to wake
up A. He does not like someone to wake him up in the morning he is always upset wants to get
more sleep but he is my brilliant child.

A is the kid that all parents wished for. He is my eldest, so he has a special place in my heart and I
always think he can do nothing wrong and when he does, I get very disappointed. And that puts
lots of pressure on him.

He knows what he wants for his future without even considering my consultation, most of the time
he does not even ask for it. He just decides.

He cares so much about his sisters and me also. And he feels like he is the man of the house
since his father stopped living with us 2 years ago.

L on the other hand is the youngest, so she too has a special part in my heart. The spoiled one
that could never be mistaken or accept doing something against her will. But she is so di erent,
she likes her own world and does not like to be involved in any other people world. Enjoys her
own company does not like to be bothered. She calls herself an introvert. Which later I knew not a
bad thing. It could be worse I always considered Autism.

N is the sweetest loveliest prettiest girl anyone could know. So friendly, everybody loves her from
the rst site, kind in all the ways this word could mean. But in the same time a bully when the
situation need her to be. So she can be her brother and sister backbone.

As she is the only one in my children that speaks her mind and does not like a bully and does not
allow anyone to hurt some one she likes.

They got used to waking up and preparing their breakfast on their own. L learned to prep her
lunchbox without my help, she only asks me to buy her the thing she need to put them in it.

Once they are ready they start walking to school, and I get to have the house for 6 full hours
peacefully.

During these few hours, I try to nish all my home jobs, cleaning, cooking etc. but these thing
takes maximum an hours. And the boredom comes strongly.

I get time to think, why did we move back here in the rst place. I had the perfect life. I had a
permanent job in the hospital that I have been working in for 5 years as a temp. Hubby managed
to work a full time job the support us enormously and make us rich. Kids had an amazing sort of
education that any parent would wish for. And the lovely house of my own, that was actually mine.
Not rented, I decorated it my self and I enjoyed decorating every inch of it when we bought it.

I know why we took this decision.L,N and A.

They did not have life back in the UK, they were miserable. I did not know that till I came here.
They came back from school and lay on their beds watching their iPad till bed time. Even going
for training like swimming or teakwondo was hard for me and them although they enjoyed it. A an
L never had friends whom they hangout with on the weekend. They only enjoyed going to their
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grandma’s house and spent the weekend with their cousins who are girls so A could not really
grow amongst them naturally.

He enjoyed it so much it kinda taught him respect to females however I never saw him acting
mischievous like boys his age. L on the other hand enjoyed her little cousins who are 3 years
younger than her so she like the authority she lacks in her house as she is the youngest.

It felt like a perfect life until one day when my eldest sister inlay mentioned that she wants to leave
for her girls sake. It made hubby think and realize that this life, is not perfect and that the kids are
not growing in the right atmosphere we want them to grow in. A will grow into a man with no
experience, N would copy the English girl and be like them ( I never wanted that) and L will be
more and more introvert. Plus when they become adults they will not nd a perfect partner to
carry on life with. It will be either a guy who does not accept her culture and ask her for change or
arranged marriage that she will not be happy with. So she would lose both ways.

The part that bothered me about leaving was the ides of me leaving my job. I was not getting paid
with high numbers but I felt contributing in the house. Also the fact that in order to live here Hubby
has to stay in England to be able to support out expenses in here and we had to pay for school.
Not just any school it has to be decent school to make sure the kids are blended in decent
community.

Hubby, he is that amazing guy. Every woman dream. A guy who cares so much about his family
and wants the best for them despite his exhaustion and fatigue. He always has plans ahead of
time. Plan the best holiday, considering everyones favorite aspect about holiday, not his. To him
being happy is seeing us happy no matter what it would take him. I don’t like making him upset. I
feel like he does not deserve that by any means. I could literally give him one of my eyes and be
happy about it. His only problem is trust.

He does not trust me, or anyone. He only trust himself and believe he is the only on that could do
thing right. He does not allow anyone to help and that only exhaust him and make me sad.
Because I feel for him. I care so much about him and want to help.

I have to confess it’s my fault, I made lots of bad decisions that may caused lots of damages but I
was always recoverable. And what is life without mistakes. How could a person grow and learn
without making bad decisions and handling the consequences. Again it might be that her cares so
much about the people he loves and does not want to see anything wrong with them. Caring so
much is hurting him, but he never complained. Actually he is enjoying seeing people around him
happy.

We weren’t always on good terms. We actually had loads of con icts before living apart from each
other. He always felt that I never did my best with the kids or the house. I always felt that he does
not enjoy my company and he would rather see his family or live on his own. Back in the UK he
loved traveling without us and he did it frequently, with friends. He was never expressing his love
to me that made me believe for our entire relationship, back in England, that he is living with me
just for the kids sake. Whenever he did something nice or said something sweet I assumed he is
doing it only because people are watching. He never got me a surprise gift for my birthday or our
anniversary. But he never forgot.

He always asked me before my birthday, what shall we get for the present. “we”. It was never a
thing he saw and knew I would like or need, it was always something I asked him to get for me.

I used to brag about the things he get me although I never felt like her loves me and that he wants
to make me happy. The thought of him showing o was all I thought.

I always had plenty of money so nothing really was a thing I needed and waited for my birthday in
order to get. I was rich at the time because of him. He never told me no.

At that time, I made my peace with it, he does not love me it’s for the kids, but when we left. It
was obvious. He could not live, breath or enjoy the place where I am not. He still does not express
with word but it’s obvious that I do not hav to question it any more.

At the beginning of moving, it was super hard not just money wise but the idea of we leaving the
country we settle in and look for new life with new culture and new community is scarcely, I was
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 scared that’s the right distribution. Scared is the word. Living in a country known that is not safe,
alone with no family with kids is scary.

Looking for the perfect neighborhood with school very close that the kids could walk, having a
membership in a sports club that has decent community was taxingly but necessary. Other than
that would have been unlivable for me or the kids.

HUBBY

Hubby is the perfect husband any woman could dream of. Maybe he is not, but to me he was
perfect.

To his mum he was the perfect child. Since baby phase. He was that quiet toddler that does not
run around and cause trouble or mess things up. But when he was a teenager, he was a bit rough,
but not in a way that would be working for his parents.

He cared about his future and had ambitions and dreams that he wanted to achieve and
accomplish.

For starter, he worked so hard on his school in order to apply for medical school. But his scores
were not high enough that he would qualify, he was very upset but that did not stop him. He
applied for dental school instead and he managed to develop himself to be better all the time.

In his teen age time, he had one love story that was “loud”, he never mentioned any other. And he
only mentioned this one because he was really hurt. And I hated the girl because she hurt him.

Years after that he found me. I was pushed on him by his mum and mine, they told him I am the
perfect one. And the awesome boy that he is, he thought about it.

It started when he picked me up from the airport, my trip back to Cairo after a life long in di erent
country, I was told that he insisted to come and pick me up with my mum and brother-in-law at
the time. I felt special, and I got closer to him because he made me feel like I was important.

The way he talks to me and the way he dealt with me when we went out. He made me feel that I
matter.

Even when he left he kept calling and asking me questions, personal ones. I knew he was trying
to get closer, so I got closer.

Until that day he told me that he liked me. To me it felt nice and amazing because he was
di erent. To him it showed that it’s a big thing. Later I knew it’s because he is not used to tell girls
that. He got shy when I was mentioned in front of him. I liked it.

He planned our future and I liked his plan, not that I had other plans I never even think ahead. But
he did. And it was not easy.

It was all amazing until the day he believed I am his, not for anyone else. Then he changed
dramatically.

He started to be colder, no strong emotions, no nice sweet words all the time. More criticizing and
commenting on my walk, the way I talk, the way I dress and my friends. He was not making an
e ort to show his love to me that I decided I will end it. I do not think I want him anymore. To me
he was just mean and controlling and not nice at all.

I went for vacation, with my family, and he was calling everyday. The call never lasted more than 3
minutes. It included “how you are doing”, “are your family ok” and “when will you come back”.

And then a ght on why is this vacation so long, “you need to book an early ight, there is no
need for you to stay that long”.

It was annoying, and frustrating, that my decision was nal, once I am back I am breaking up with
him. He is so controlling and I do not like it.

And on my day back, after he picked me and my family up from the airport. He hugged me. A hug
that I still remember. I realized he missed me, he just was never able to say it. Or he does not
know how to say it. And I believed it when his sister told me that this 2 months I was away he was
depressed. So I decided to come clean, and ask him why was he treating me this way.

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 “I love you, but I don’t have to say it all the time. And I will not say it again, so believe it.”

At the beginning I did not like it because I wanted to hear it regularly. But I accepted it. He is not
the romantic guys that hold hands on our walks or talk sweet to me all the time. But he always
cared, ask me where I want to go for dinner and who I want us to hang out with.

He was so respectful, never be mean to me in front of anyone and always speak about me as if I
am his partner and that he cared about me. It was obvious to everybody that he loved me, but not
to me.

It was so hard I always believed he is only living with me for the kids, and the culture. He can’t
divorce me so he does not lose the kids.

He enjoyed hanging out with his friends instead of spending time with me, when we sat together,
we were quiet. For a young wife, that was he not interested in me. And he might be fooling around
with other girls.

But the truth is, he was trying so hard to make our family life better.

He studied hard for his tests and he managed to get us out for Egypt and made us travel to a
better place where we had better life, nancially, I did not see that. I was so young at that time I
was only 22 years old.

I wanted love and romance and crazy life. But it was not there.

Our family grow bigger and he became one of the best dentists in the city. And earned a lot of
money that he could manage to arrange holidays almost every month. And they were always big
ones. Spain, Malta, Paris, Disneyland, Spain again and again and again. It was perfect. We even
went to east Asia on a 3 weeks trip that costed fortune. It was obvious, he cared so much about
his family, kids and wife. But not to me.

I always loved him so much, he always gave me the reasons to love him and that I could not live
without him. That I was scared he might leave me. And I was convinced that he will. I asked him
clearly to not leave me even if he found his soulmate, because I am sure it is not me. But he was
always with me. I asked him to tell me that he loves me and that he appreciate my care for the
family, but he never did. I know he took me for granted and I never wanted to prove him wrong
and I do not mind. I will be there for him forever. Because I love him and I love my kids and they
love him and he loves them. So what else would I need. That could be enough.

He had this thing when he wanted me next to him on the bed, and he always hugged me to go to
sleep, never missed one night. And I felt loved at this moment. But when he is up, he goes back
to criticizing and commenting. That I did not like and did not want.

He comments on the kids way in eating, talking and clothing. And blamed no one but me because
he thinks that I am the one responsible even when A was 13. It still was me to blame.

But at the end he loved them and he showed that by getting them whatever they want in the
minute they asked for it. And made them have what other kids not have.

During covid we were stuck at home and he looked after us deeply. Not that he spent more time
with me or the kids but he wanted to have us around him in the room. Even when he was asleep.
He loved his few minutes with L before she goes to sleep when she squeezes next to him in the
cold weather to warm up, he did that to me, he loved when she puts her cold feet on him to warm
up, he does that to me, I think that was love. But I never knew then.

Until his sister came up with the idea of HER wanting to move back to Cairo. Because living in the
UK will not t well with us and our culture and traditions. He agreed and decided we should do it
too.

“We will give it a try for a year and I will stay her, you go with the kids and see how it will work out.
If you were happy I will move too, if not you guys will come back and no damage will be done.”

I did not like it, I was scared I lived in Egypt for 4 years and I did not like it then, I guess because
all my memories in Egypt was me losing my love to him. But he promised that if we struggled we
will come back. And he promised that he will visit regularly, and he did.

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 He took a loan and I took a break from my job. We sold our house, our rst house that we
furnished it according to our comfort and that everybody loved and loved spending time in. And
the house we created memories in. It felt horrible to leave Westminster Close.

He ew with us to Cairo, to make sure we settle well and he left before school starts. He got me
the at and furnished it. Bought me a car, and nished the kids moving paperwork for schools,
which is big deal in Egypt, and took us for a mini vacation before he leaves. And then he left.

It was bad for me but I later knew it was horrible for him.

He did not like staying with his parents, and he did not have the energy for losing weight anymore,
or going to the gym. He was ruined in all the ways this word could mean.

He did nothing but work to be able to support our living in Egypt, and to book ight to come and
visit. It was always a big deal when he came back kids loved it, I loved it.

Something changed, he does not comment at all about anything. He does not want to make me
upset on these few days he is with me. He showed me so much love. In his touches and his looks
and his words.

It was proven he love me and he cannot live without me, and the kids. But me also. He said I do
not need to look for a job, although it could help him. But does not want me to cope with the jobs
market in Egypt because he know it is humiliating. He cared.

Now, he is here with me. Most of the time, but not all the time. He started his business in Cairo
and it is full with problem. He still gets stress out easily but he never make me or the kids feel. He
thinks about his problems privately and that makes me feel distant from him. I know our expenses
and I know the struggles but he does not want me to think nor he wants the kids to feel like they
are deprived from anything they need.

It’s just so hard for him to handle and he does not think I can handle it so he shields me from the
struggle.

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