Chelsea & Ivanka

An ahistorical play

Caridad Svich

© Caridad Svich
2021.

Performance Rights:
Elaine Devlin Literary
1115 Broadway, 12th Flr.
NY, NY 10010. USA
Email: elaine@edevlinlit.com
Or author at csvich21@gmail.com
Chelsea & Ivanka is a play-installation. It looks at the friendship and falling out of two adults that
sometimes resemble the famous people that bear their names, or what happens when neoliberal
capitalism and consumerist fascism meet. This piece is loosely inspired by real life.

Two figures in 4
This piece may be performed by two actors or more. The figure(s) may be played by actors of any
gender, age (over 16 years), cultural & national background, race construct, differently abled, etc.

C - Chelsea, a wealthy and famous person that lives in the city

&, also, Chelsea who is not Chelsea, not wealthy, lives in the city

I - Ivanka, a wealthy and famous person that lives in the city

&, also, Ivanka who is not Ivanka, not wealthy, lives in the city

Time: Now. Place: Here.

Setting: The simulacra of a hall or broadcast studio where a socio-political/news event was once
held: balloons, a dais, two or three microphones.

Notes on Text & Performance:

No attempt should be made to impersonate in any way the real-life American political figures of
Chelsea Clinton & Ivanka Kushner referenced in this piece, though their gestural and physical
vocabulary may be evoked choreographically. In other words, the actors are always themselves,
presenting the figures they mention, not embodying them.
The audience is addressed most of the time, even when it may not seem as if they are. All text,
except when it is in parenthesis, is voiced, captioned and/or signed. A double asterisk ** indicates
a temporal skip, as if on a vinyl recording. This piece may be performed as live, audio, digital, film,
dance and/or hybrid theatre.

Language is a dance of incantation. Politics is a pantomime.

2
Zero

C Chelsea.

I Ivanka.

…
…
…

C Chelsea is a white-figured woman of average height with shoulder-length blonde hair and
blue-grey eyes. She wears a simple black-and-white dress and high heels. Designer? Manolo
Blahnik.

Chelsea is known in many social, political, economic, and literary circles. Her parents are
famous. Her father was a world leader once. Her mother worked at the highest levels of
government. Some people have an image of her from when she was a child. Others only
have an image of her as an adult. But even so, after all these years,

People really don’t know Chelsea at all.

Some of you may recall a lyric from an old song by Joni Mitchell.
That’s OK. In this story, memory holds many things.

**

I Ivanka is a white-figured, tall woman with shoulder-length blonde hair and brown eyes. She
wears a simple black dress and high heels. Designer? Christian Louboutin.

Ivanka is known in many social, political, economic, and literary circles. Her parents are
famous. Her father was a world leader of sorts once. Some people have an image of her

3
from when she was an adolescent. Others only have an image of her as an adult. But still,
after everything, and there’s been so much of everything,

People really don’t know Ivanka at all.

That’s OK. In this story, memory erases many things.

**

4
One

C Chelsea looks out.

I Ivanka looks out.

C They both regard the audience.

…
…
…

I I am not Ivanka. I am a (the performer audio-describes themselves)

C I am not Chelsea. I am a (the performer audio-describes themselves)

…
…
…

I I look out.

C I also look out. Although I fidget. A bit.

I It’s OK to fidget.

C Is it?

I Yes.

C We both regard the audience.

5
 …
…
…

I Ivanka says she knows what you’re thinking.

C Chelsea says she can guess what you’re thinking but she’s not sure.

I Ivanka says whatever you’re thinking is not what this is.

C Chelsea agrees, even though she doesn’t always agree.

I … Ivanka looks at Chelsea.

C Chelsea looks at Ivanka.

I They both smile a smile for the camera even though there isn’t a camera.

C There’s always.

I Is there?

C Ever since it was invented by Johann Zahn in 1685.

I Not 1685.

C The first camera. Yes.

I But not the camera as we.

6
C No. That was much later.

Chelsea knows. Chelsea has studied many things. When she was at school, they said she
was very advanced for her age.

**

Chelsea wants to tell you a story about how Ivanka and her were friends once. Close
friends. Super BFFs.

I Hearts. Smiley face. Cat-laugh emoji.

C They were so close they told each other everything about everything, except anything about
politics. Until the day when politics came between them.

This is a version of that story.

I Ivanka says we already told our story to many people in a magazine called People. Besides,
there’s only one story at the end of most days:

“Modern bourgeois society with its relations of production, of exchange, and of property, a
society that has conjured such a gigantic means of production and exchange, is like a
sorcerer, who is no longer able to control the powers of the nether world whom he has
called up by his spells.”

C Chelsea thinks about the nether world.

I Ivanka says to Chelsea: The words I said a few seconds ago were from The Communist
Manifesto written by Marx and Engels, 1848.

7
 Artefact: A Canadian pop singer named Grimes that was once married to a South African
billionaire named Elon Musk was photographed reading this same manifesto for a designer
fashion shoot on a street in a trendy area of Los Angeles, California on a lovely fall day in
the second year of the second decade of the 21st century.

C Chelsea says you know so many things.

I Ivanka considers whether this is the nether world.

C Chelsea makes a face.

I Ivanka makes a face.

C Chelsea knows this face is not good for the camera. So, she covers her face with a tissue.

I Ivanka says don’t be ashamed. We’re all the same here, even though some of us have
lots of money.

C Chelsea says she is a simple person, even though her home has six and a half bathrooms
and she lives like one of the royals.

I Ivanka remembers a sorcerer she knew once.

**

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea, but is called that sometimes by friends, says no one listens to
my story.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka, but is called that sometimes by their friends, says I used to read
People once to see if anyone would ever tell my story.

8
C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea does not have money.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka also does not have money.

C They both dream about it, though.

I They dream about it all the time.

**

C Chelsea looks up, off to one side, to a place in memory.

I Ivanka looks up too, off to one side, to a place in the future.

…
…
…

C Chelsea says Don’t worry about the future. It’s not meant for you and me.

**

9
Two

I Who, then?

C Charlotte.

I You’re not.

C I am. I am absolutely a Charlotte.

I You are totally a Carrie. Maybe even a Samantha.

C I never in my wildest dreams have ever been a Samantha.

This is a scene from when Chelsea and Ivanka were friends. Near the beginning.
When things were good. And everything seemed to be looking up.

I Artefact: Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte were characters in a popular American
television show from the 20th century called “Sex and the City.” Some of you may
remember this show. Some of you may not. History records almost everything, but pop
culture comes and goes.

C Witness: in the second year of the second decade of the 21st century, a sequel series to this
prior series was put into production. Its title was “And Just Like That.” I know, not very
memorable aa titles go, but you may have seen the trailer.

I You might also have seen the series itself by the time we’re in this theatre.

C Or you may not even register any of it at all. As if it were a mere blip on your screen.
It’s OK. There’s too much pop culture anyway. You don’t need to remember
everything.

10
I No FOMO.

C No FOMO at all. Besides, some things remain in perpetuity. You can always catch up
with them years later when everyone and everything are dead.

I For now all you need to know is that some psychologists have said that the four types of
women represented in this show are the only four types that exist.

Carrie. Pose.

C Samantha. Pose.

I Miranda. Pose.

C Charlotte. Pose.

I Imagine.

C … For some people in the world life is only wine spritzers, fabulous get-aways, and
weekends in Paris or the Hamptons.

**

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka says whoa, not me, I mean, I can’t even go to the other side of the
city, because I got work. WHEN I have work. Besides, who can afford to plop down
$25 for a drink?

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea says I know, I know, I know, but the gossip.

I Gossip is good.

11
C Chisme.

**

I Artefact: Chisme, pronounced chees-meh, is the Spanish word for gossip. In college, there
was a whole section in the library devoted to the incantatory power of chisme.

It is said that in a language before language, chisme was the language of people that sat by
the rocks near the sea and told stories. It was a beautiful language, but nobody remembers
it, because it was never recorded. So, all that we have left is the remnant of how chisme
sounded as it has been passed down through the ages, from one sea to another, and from
one land to another.

C They call this language a language of signs. A language born of the sea’s tongue and its
mischief.

Chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

**

I The people that once sat by the rocks near the sea and uttered their chisme wave their
arms at Chelsea and Ivanka. Even though they are ghosts.

C Chelsea says this is like the wave at a football game.

I Ivanka says this is like the wave at the last concert I ever went to.

C Chelsea likes the feeling of the wave at the football game.

I Ivanka likes the feeling of the wave at the concert.

12
C Chelsea says people held up their lighters when the players scored a touchdown.

I Ivanka says people held up their phones and shone their lights.

C Chelsea waves.

I Ivanka waves.

They are surrounded by light.

**

C It is beautiful. It is mysterious. It is like being in a theatre.

I Ivanka says we are in a theatre.

C Chelsea says is this a theatre?

I Ivanka says it feels like a theatre.

C Chelsea says is feeling like a theatre enough?

Chelsea looks out.

I Ivanka looks out.

C It feels like a theatre.

I Chelsea knows some things.

13
C Ivanka knows some things, too. They have both been in a theatre before.
They have told their stories.

I They have told other people’s stories, too, but sometimes people forget this because
the world is very forgetful.

C The world forgets almost everything, even when it is written down.

I The world is like the wind. It does not settle on the skin.

C The world moves and what’s left behind are fragments.

I Ivanka is a fragment.

C Chelsea is a fragment. But she is still here. Because sometimes theatre is stronger than the
wind.

**

Chelsea says my first memory of the theatre is the light.

I Ivanka says my first memory of the theatre is the sound.

C Chelsea says in my autobiography you will read about the many theatres in which I have
been.

I Ivanka says in my autobiography you will also read about the many theatres in which I have
been. So many theatres. Hundreds of theatres.

C Chelsea makes a face.

14
I Ivanka makes a face.

C There have been too many theatres.

I Ivanka doesn’t know who she is if she is not in a theatre.

**

Ivanka waves to the people from the long ago past that sat by the rocks near the sea and
told their stories.

Chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

C These people are always here because they are the past before the past and words before
words. They are breath whisper ache chisme.

chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

I Ivanka says Oh, we are so good at gossiping. We are Olympic Gold medal level athletes at
it. When we spill the tea, there’s sooooooooo much tea.

Chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

C We enjoy the sounds we make when we gossip.

I High-pitched sounds. Girly laughs. Just like those women on “Sex and the City.”

C
&I ha, ha, ha.

C breathless.

15
I
&C ha, ha, ha.

C
&I ah.

**

C Chelsea wishes she had been on that show with those women. It was a world of games.
And many extravagant clothes.

I All those different outfits and shoes. ooooooo.

C And sex. So. Much. Sex.

I So much sex in the city.

Ivanka loves sex.

C Chelsea loves sex, too. But she doesn’t tell people. Not even when she talks to People, the
magazine.

I It’s not easy being a celebrity. It’s scary. It’s thrilling. You have to hold your head up high.
And pretend that you are the centre of the universe.

C It’s not easy at all.

I It takes a special kind of courage.

C Chutzpah.

16
I Ivanka laughs. Ha, ha, ha.

C teeth out, head back, lots of hair twirling.

And yes, she, like me, always pronounces the word as it is written: Ha.
Not a laugh. But ha. Like that indie movie once that had the word “Ha” in the title.

I ha, ha, ha.

C Like modern love. Sheer chutzpah.

I Ivanka knows all about chutzpah.

Chutzpah, pronounced hootz-pah, is a Yiddish word that signifies a bravery bordering on

rudeness.

Ivanka says my family and friends know all about chutzpah.

Although deep down she knows she does not have a single friend. Not a real friend. In fact,
she’s never had one. And this makes her cry white tears sometimes. Wah, wah wah.

C Just like the sound of Charlie Brown on an old TV screen.

I wah, wah, wah.

C so such sadness.

I intake of breath.
I hate crying. It ruins everything.

C Tears give you wrinkles.

17
I Don’t worry. I have Botox.

**

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea, but is called that sometimes by friends, lives in a small flat on
the other side of the city and wonders how much Botox costs.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka, but is called that sometimes by friends, also lives in a small flat on
the other side of the city. They wonder if getting Botox hurts.

**

C Chelsea tries not to show any expression. She practices her inscrutable look, the one she
uses at board meetings and society functions.

It is a look that goes with the voice that she puts on, the one she wears today;
it is a voice like the old-time Hollywood movie star and fashion icon Audrey Hepburn:
poised, vaguely mid-Atlantic, regal.

I Artefact: The Mid-Atlantic accent is an accent that was used in the early 20th century in the
entertainment industry, especially in motion pictures. It blended aspects of British RP,
otherwise known as Received Pronunciation, and patrician North-eastern American
English. Think: upper-class white suburb in Connecticut.

Hyperlink: when the American pop singer and fashion icon Madonna affected a British
accent when she was married to the British film director Guy Ritchie in the first decade of
the 21st century, she was doing her version of a Mid-Atlantic accent.

Whew.

18
C … For a moment, Chelsea pretends she’s Audrey Hepburn in the 1961 movie “Breakfast at
Tiffany’s.”

I It’s a plastic world, darlings. Champagne dreams and caviar wishes.

C Chelsea likes this voice. She will use it from now on. Especially at society functions.

I Ivanka likes this voice too. She uses it often. In fact, she is using a version of it now.

C It’s amazing how people don’t notice.

I It’s all in how you tweak it, darling. Spin it your own way.

C For a moment, Chelsea thinks she heard Ivanka say “twerk” instead of “tweak.”

I What?

C Nothing.

I Flip of the hair, a look toward the ceiling. So many balloons here.

C They’re lovely, aren’t they?

I Shall we pop a few?

C Shudder.

I Have some fun. Remember fun?

C Chelsea misses those days. She misses being friends with people. She misses Ivanka.

19
I I’m right here, darling.

C I know. I forget sometimes.

I That’s all right. We won’t be friends for long.

C Chelsea looks at Ivanka, caught in the spell that is the beginning of their friendship.
How do you know?

I I can see into the future.

**
**

C For a moment, Chelsea holds the future in her hands.

I Ivanka regards Chelsea’s hands. They went to the same nail salon together once and asked
for the same Chanel nail polish in unison.

C
&I Chanel Rouge Noir please.

I Artefact: Chanel launched Rouge Noir, otherwise known as Vamp, in its Autumn/Winter
1994 show in Paris. The colour was originally created by Chanel’s makeup director
Dominique Moncourtois, by applying black marker over red nail polish, turning it into a
deep mix of red and black.

C It is divine.

20
I It is the epitome of champagne dreams and caviar wishes, although Ivanka wonders if she
should reconsider this colour, because the political implications of red and black go against
her brand.

C Which is?

I Amassing material wealth and doing anything for it.

C Anything?

I Yes.

C … Chelsea is troubled by this for a second, but then says I don’t think people really will
associate a nail varnish with politics.

I Ivanka muses upon this. Red and black are the colours of the anarchist-communist flag.
Red: the colour of the oppressed. Black: the colour of no gods and no masters.
A white tear starts to form in the corner of Ivanka’s eye. Wah, wah, wah.

C Are you all right?

I Ivanka fights off the tear. She will not cry. She has loved Chanel Rouge Noir ever since that
famous blonde actor in a black wig wore it in that terribly violent but erotically charged
old movie called Pulp Fiction.

She will fight to wear her red and black. They’re just colours, after all. No one will ever say
she’s an anarchist, and she can still give a speech at an event celebrating women and
glamour for a magazine called Glamour, where she can talk about how much she cares
about the sorrows of the oppressed.

21
 Because when she walks into a room, people look at her, even when they don’t want to.
And when she smiles, the world must smile back.

C Are you sure you’re all right?

I Nail salons always make me a little teary.

C Oh, Ivanka, you’re such a Samantha.

I I’m more of a Charlotte than you think.

22
Three

C Charlotte is the modest, still-waters-run-deep type.

I Samantha is the sexually promiscuous cougar.

C She’s not a.

I Well…

C No.

I … And Miranda is the loyal friend whose life is sort of fucked up. Poor Miranda.

C And Carrie?

I Carrie is the embodiment of the reality of being a certain kind of woman in the world.
Flirty, fun, anxious, needy, loving, silly, confused, ugh.

C So much ugh. There’s no such thing as four types of women.

I Ivanka agrees. She’s tired of such categories. She can’t believe they persist. Maybe she will
write a book to challenge all these ridiculous notions and put an end to them once and for
all.

C All those books have already been written. Even I wrote one once. After we parted ways.

I Ivanka stares into space, and wonders what there’s left for her to do.

C Chelsea admires Ivanka’s hair and wonders how many times she has highlighted it.

23
 This is a scene from somewhere in the middle of their friendship. When they have already
told each other many things and are starting to let the past walk into their dreams.

**

I Ivanka remembers how she was thrust onto the runway at the age of fourteen. She knows
all about how women are pimped out and propped up.

Strip.
Show.
Look.
Turn.

Strip.
Show.
Repeat.

C Fifteen-hour days in the glare of the spotlight.

I Strip.
Show.
Look.
Turn.

Strip.
Show.
Repeat.

C The world watched while she broke the monotony.

24
I Thierry Mugler, Vivienne Westwood, Tommy Hilfiger, Zang Toi. I wore them all down
the runway. And more.

C Ivanka makes a statement.

I “I think that consumerism manipulates and violates bodies neither more nor less than
Nazism. [ … ] “

C Ivanka makes another statement.

I “I consider consumerism to be a Fascism worse than the classical one.”

C The camera waits.

I The words I said a few seconds ago are from the second-to-last interview given by the
controversial Italian filmmaker Pier Paolo Pasolini before he was murdered under
mysterious circumstances in 1975.

C Glitch.
It was a game.

I Modelling is always a game.

C Glitch.

I The image freezes.

**

25
C Chelsea knows all about games. She’s been playing them ever since she was six years old
when her parents sat her down in front of the fireplace and taught her how to take control
over her emotions.

I If someone screams at you, you say

C I am fine. Thank you. Have a nice day.

I If someone looks at you, you say

C I am fine. Thank you. Have a nice day.

I If someone is beating the crap out of somebody else in the middle of the street, you say

C I am sorry. Take care. Have a nice day.

I The world watches images of violence. The world frames them all inside the camera.
The world renders its trauma on TikTok.

Artefact: On a crisp fall day in the second decade of the 21st century in a big cosmopolitan
city in the Western world, a woman was raped by a man on a train and everyone on the
train took out their cameras and filmed it rather than calling for help or intervening in any
way.

C Glitch.

I The image cuts out.

**

26
C When I was thirteen/fourteen, I was a mess. I wanted to leave the world, join a punk rock
band, and sing out all the anger I had inside me.

I Rage.

C So. Much. Rage.

I You gotta let it out, girlfriend, or else you’re gonna get sick.

C Teenage Chelsea is sick. She’s had a stomach-ache for hours. She’s worried about food.
There’s too much of it in the world and one day there won’t be any at all and it will be/it is
a disaster, and everyone will complain about the global supply chains without thinking
where those supplies come from. She can’t stand that there’s so much food in this house.
Her parents eat. SO MUCH. Especially her father. He eats A LOT. He loves hamburgers.

I My father loves hamberders too.

Meme. Words only. No image: You get a hamberder. You get a hamberder. Everybody
gets a hamberder.

C We are not talking about your father.

I But.

C NO.

Hiss. Rage. Ballistic.

…
…
…

27
I Ivanka bites her lower lip. Like she did when she was a child. Before the modelling days.
Before everything.

C Close-up on Ivanka. In the spirit of a screen test shot by Pop artist Andy Warhol on
black-and-white 16-millimetre film.

I Ivanka stares into the camera’s eye.

C A slow-motion moving portrait.

I Chelsea girl, will you be my Chelsea Girl?

Ivanka purrs like a cross between Nico and Lou Reed.

C For a moment we are in the Chelsea Hotel in New York City during the bad old days when
it was Everything: a mix of hipsters and oldsters, poets and youngsters turning tricks under
the sheen of silver foil walls lit by amphetamine queens.

I quiver, dare, rage.

C Ivanka has glamour. She has its aura. A person with glamour can do anything.

I I could even put a snake between my teeth.

**

C Ivanka’s mom, for whom she’s named after, used to tell her that if she kept biting her
lip, she’d ruin her teeth and have to get big, ugly, metal braces. Ivanka doesn’t want metal
braces.

I It’s bad enough that she has to take off her Invisalign every night. Duh.

28
C Ivanka misses her mom.

I She was mysterious and interesting, even though everyone said she was just a Czech gold-
digger. Shame on them. What do they know? There are all kinds of amazing women in
the Czech Republic. And men, too. All kinds of people.

C Witness: Ivanka’s mom was originally from Czechoslovakia, which was once one of the
most politically stable and wealthy states in Eastern Europe. During the Second World
War, sometimes referred to in the West as “the good war,” it fell to the Nazi’s, and later to
the Soviets. In the last decade of the 20th century, shortly after the Soviets left, the country
split into two new countries: Slovakia and the Czech Republic.

I Imagine people calling her a gold-digger. Besides, what gold would she dig? There is no
gold. The only gold in the family house is the one on the walls in the toilet. And the
kitchen and the living room and the den and maybe the one lining the wallpaper in her
bedroom. Gold leaf. Faux gold. Because Real gold is old news. Who cares about real gold?

One day, maybe today, maybe right at this moment, all the gold will be gone and there will
only be crypto-currency. Bitcoin and digital things known as nonfungible tokens, and all the
rich people in the world will live in smart cities in the metaverse and wear digital designer
sneakers and have digital designer cocktail parties. And when they’re not, they will live in
their holiday homes on Mars. It’ll be the best-selling show! Just like Bowie once sang,
Because the earth will be barely habitable.

C Insert clip. Life on Mars.

I Ah. Mars. It will be a very glamorous life. For a select few.

Some will call it the after-effect of emotional capitalism.

C Artefact: Emotional capitalism is a term used by the sociologist Eva Illouz in 2007 in her
book Cold Intimacies. In this book, Illouz describes the increasingly close relationship

29
 between private and public economic and emotional spheres - a relationship so intertwined
as to be inseparable. Chelsea only got around to reading this book shortly after Ivanka and
her stopped being friendly. It made her understand so much about everything.

I … Gold is for losers. Ivanka is not a loser. And her mother wasn’t one either. She was a
model. And an author. And a media personality. When Ivanka was a little girl, she
promised her mother that she too would one day be a media personality. And this made
her mother smile the biggest smile ever.

Ah,

(in Czech) my malá holka,

she would say.

C Translation from Google Translate: malá holka = little girl.

I Malá holka. malá holka, she would say, as she ran her fingers through my hair.

C Sometimes, when no one was looking, Ivanka would say words in her mother’s language.

I Bez práce nejsou koláče.

C Every time she said these words, she felt her heart skip a beat.

I Bez práce nejsou koláče.

C This was her mantra.

I Bez práce nejsou koláče.

30
C Later, when she was a tween, one of her boyfriends asked her what these magical words
meant, as he carelessly nibbled on her breast in the back of the shed at the clubhouse.

I She replied: Without work, there are no koláče

C He stared at her.

I Koláče is a Czech pastry.

C Oh.

**

C My father can eat three double hamburgers in a row. With cheese. Ugh.

I Super ugh.

C It’s so disgusting. It makes me so sick. I just wanna vomit everything up and start over. Be
skinny. Be a lean machine. Sleek like a thoroughbred or something.

I You’re not a thoroughbred.

C I can pretend to be. Just like you.

I I don’t pretend.

C You pretend all the time. You’re such a fucking liar.

I Teenage Chelsea is getting angry.

C I wanna get angry. I’m tired of being quiet and composed and nice and…

Huffing and puffing, red in the face.

31
I So, what are you gonna do about it?

C Teenage Chelsea stands in front of the mirror of her bedroom. Her hair is frizzy. And
although she doesn’t have braces anymore, she feels ugly and fat.
Just once she wants to be a loud crazy sexy badass and do loud crazy sexy badass things.

I Whoa, mutha-fucka, here I am.

C Hell yeah.

Teenage Chelsea stands in front of the mirror and pretends she’s on a stage looking like
the most hard-core sexy rock chick ever – all leather, black hair, and a dead-ass stare.
Teenage Chelsea shouts.

WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT.

NO. WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT.
WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT. ANYMORE.

I One more time! Yeah!

C
&I WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT.
NO. WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT.
WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT.
ANYMORE.
ANYMORE.
ANYMORE.
ANYMORE.
ANYMORE.

I What’s that noise?

32
C Sudden dead mic.

Teenage Chelsea hears her parents’ voices from the other room.

I There will be NO MORE of any of that kind of noise in this house.

Door slams in her face.

**

C Chelsea cries. Wah, wah, wah.

I Ivanka comforts Chelsea. There, now, little bird.

C It’s on days like this – here with her friend beside her listening to her story - that the
world feels
almost
all right.

…
…
…

I Ivanka breathes.

C Chelsea breathes.

I
&C ah.

**

33
I Ivanka says I feel like a cocktail.

C Chelsea says so do I.

I For a moment, they are lit up with the thought of the most delicious cocktail in the whole
wide world.

C It is a frivolous thought, but one that sustains them.

I After we do our nails, we should go to that brasserie way up top, at the top of the city.

C Chelsea likes this. She loves being at the very top of the city, feeling as if the very centre of
gravity is right there. And she’s Right There with it.

On these days, she can kick up her heels, and let all the goody-goody-ness she projects to
the world’s face fade away.

We can have a Moscow Mule and three Manhattans!

I We’ll order everything on the list.

C And get very drunk?

I And make an absolute mess. And in the end, we’ll make everyone else pay for it.

34
Four

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea cleans the floor of the brasserie after everyone leaves.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka takes out all the trash and makes sure every item in the place
is in order and sparkling clean.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea wipes the floor with her hands.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka looks at Chelsea who’s not Chelsea and heaves a sigh.
Why don’t you use a mop?

C Because it’s dirty.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka does not understand.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea tries to explain.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka interrupts. In the country where my people were once from,
you just would put the mop under water and let all the filth wash away.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea knows this makes sense. But not all mops are made the same.
The mop at this place is a very old mop that can barely clean anything. The owners bought
it on the day they opened the brasserie and used it to clean the floor every single night. The
mop is tired and spent and angry, and it has no will left. None whatsoever. Chelsea who’s
not Chelsea cannot bear the thought of burdening the mop any more than it already is.

It’s OK. I don’t mind cleaning.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka lets out a little laugh. Ha, ha, ha.

They know her better than she thinks.

35
C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea does a little dance with her mop. Like one she’s seen in the
movies. It’s a sultry sinewy dance of despair lit by moonlight. It is the kind of dance all
cleaners do when they are left alone at the end of the world, cleaning the messes left
behind by all those that said they knew how to run things but dedicated themselves instead
to smashing every bit of the earth and depriving everyone of what they deserve: justice and
mercy.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka heard these words once in an old, old story.

Justice and mercy. Hmm.

They seem like good words, even if they did not know what they meant, because as far
as they were concerned, mercy was handed down to those that did the worst possible
things, and justice was served on platters that most benefited the extremely racist and
wealthy. And one thing is certain: Ivanka who’s not Ivanka, but is called that sometimes by
friends, is not wealthy at all. In fact, they are sure that they will never ever make more than
enough to get by. Because debt and austerity are all that they have ever known. And they
have been told that there is no alternative.

C Artefact: In the first decade of the 21st century an anthropologist named David Graeber
spoke about how neoliberal capitalism had become a kind of faith, and that perhaps the
only way to combat its forces was to gut it altogether and start over with the abolition of
debt.

**

Chelsea lets out a laugh.

I Ivanka lets out a sigh.

C They laugh and sigh until the future walks in with its story.

36
 In the distance, a boat can be seen filled with people called climate refugees.

I Ivanka does not like the future.

It is cold.
It is hot.
It is hot and cold in equal measure.
It rains all the time.
It snows in the summer.
It is congested and broken and full of oceans that split open.

It is a mess.
It is a fiasco.
It is a sorry state of affairs.
It is a future made by people without thought.
It is a future made by people that don’t love things.
It is a future bereft of kindness.

C Chelsea loves kindness.

I Ivanka loves love.

Ivanka loved someone once in another version of her story. This person was cast out of
society, and Ivanka was walled up against the power of the world.

C Chelsea vaguely remembers this version of Ivanka’s story because she could’ve sworn she
was there.

I Ivanka wants to tell another version, one that has a happy ending. Ivanka wants to re-make
all her stories just like the American pop singer Taylor Swift has re-recorded all the song
masters that were stolen from her by a record company called Big Machine. Ivanka’s Love
(Ivanka’s version)

37
C Chelsea says there are no happy endings.

They’re a myth created by capital in order to sell things.

Chelsea says that the only way happy endings can exist is if the world is loved and all the
brutes are exterminated.

I Ivanka shudders at the word. She has heard it before. She cannot bear to think of her and
her people as brutes. Her nails are perfect and so is her hair. People are so mean and awful
and stupid. They don’t understand what it means to be born into fame. It is a terrible
burden, one that demands so much responsibility.

Try walking down a runway when your tits are freezing.

Try being told every waking minute that you have to live up to a picture of yourself from
when you were 13, when you’re a grown-ass woman.
Try staring down all those people that keep using the word “fascism” to describe what you
stand for, when all you want to say to them is that what you stand for is love, and if it means
making things more difficult for some people in order to achieve that, well, it’s just the kind
of sacrifice that has to be made.

**

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea scrapes the blood from under her nails. She has scrubbed the
floor of the brasserie clean. The moonlit dance with the mop is over. And all that’s left are
her hands.

The future is bleeding its story.

Chelsea who’s not Chelsea remembers a moment from history.

Artefact: On a late September day in the second decade of the 21st century in Milan, Italy, a
Swedish adolescent named Greta spoke at the run-up to a major global climate conference

38
 and said that world leaders were doing nothing about everything, and all their talk was
“blah, blah, blah.”

(lip-synch effect)

I “There is no Planet B. There is no Planet Blah. Blah, blah, blah…. Build back better.
Blah, blah, blah.”

**

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea says we did not die in our stories in order for leaders to say
blah, blah, blah.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka says all they know is blah, blah, blah. It is what they have been
taught.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea says we must fight.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka says I am not good at fighting.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea says you cannot let go of everything.

The lights in the brasserie go out. Clean-up time is over. The stars in the night sky bathe
the scene.

**

I Ivanka says I can wear headphones and shut myself off from the world, just like I did when
I was a teenager and went into modelling to break with the monotony of things.

Ivanka puts on a pair of headphones.

39
C Chelsea regards Ivanka. She thinks: “There’s nothing skin-deep about her.”

For a moment, she recalls how she once said these exact same words to People, the
magazine, when they asked her about her friend. How happy she was then. How happy
some of us all were once.

**

I Ivanka dances to what they hear coming through the headphones.

C Chelsea hears reverberations of an old dance-pop song.

I Artefact: 1998. An iconic American pop singer named Cher releases a record called
“Believe” and it makes everyone in the world happy.

C Chelsea makes a circle with her feet.

I Ivanka keeps dancing a dance of belief.

C Chelsea’s circle grows wider.

I Ivanka’s dancing becomes ecstatic.

C Chelsea’s circle draws blood.

**

I Ivanka stops.

C Chelsea stops.

40
 …
…
…

Chelsea says you cannot shut yourself off from the world.

I Ivanka says this is the best song ever.

C Chelsea says you carry my story.

I Ivanka says we carry our own stories.

C Chelsea says everyone is responsible for everyone’s story.

I Ivanka says that is a story told by someone long ago.

C Chelsea says some old stories still matter.

I Ivanka says the old stories are dead.

**

C Chelsea looks out.

I Ivanka looks out.

C The sound of the sea comes between them.

The people called climate refugees cry: Where will we go? Where will we all go?

I Ivanka takes off her headphones and hands them to Chelsea.

41
C Chelsea regards the headphones as if she’s never seen them before.

I The sound of the sea is overwhelming.

C Chelsea puts the headphones on.

I … Ivanka dances.

C Chelsea dances.

I They both pretend for a moment that they are a singer called Cher and that they believe in
life after love.

**

42
Five

C Chelsea looks at the boat of people called climate refugees as it sinks into the sea.

The sound of those that sat on rocks long ago telling their stories rises once again.

I Chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

C But this time the chisme from their tongues is dipped in poison. It is a venomous chisme
and it is aimed at Chelsea.

I Chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

C Chelsea doesn’t understand. She is a good person. She is not like Ivanka at all or at least
not the Ivanka that she would grow to know much later in their friendship, when everything
fell apart at the seams.

I Such a pity.

C Such a pity party.

I And so many balloons, too.

chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

C The ancient people sitting on the rocks near the sea hiss and claw at her skin. Chelsea can’t
breathe. Why are they doing this to me? Why are they destroying me with their chisme?

I chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

C Chelsea stands for good things, even if she’s not s total goody-goody. So what? She’s on the
right side of history. She’s on the right side of both sides of both side-ism. She even made

43
 an appearance on an American cable talk show called Watch What Happens Live with
Andy Cohen four years after she privately broke off her friendship with Ivanka.

It was on a balmy Thursday evening in the tenth month of the second decade of the 21st
century, as she was chatting calmly with host Andy Cohen about her life, that Chelsea
absolutely laid down her principles, direct quote:

(over-dub effect)

I “I’ve no interest in being friends with someone who is not only complicit but actively
taking part in this administration’s everyday collision of cruelty and incompetence.”

**

C There. She said it. Those were her words. Those were the words she said on national
television. She, Chelsea who is Chelsea. Not someone else. Why are they still hissing at
me?

I chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

C … The ancient people standing on the rocks near the sea are having none of her words,
even though they are real and from the public record, otherwise known as the historical
archive.

The ancient people that speak in their language of signs have seen too many things.

Their people have left lands ravaged by wars and fires and floods and famine.

They have left lands ravaged by racism and sexism and neo-colonialism and imperialism
disguised as anti-imperialism.

44
 They have seen Chelsea and her people shake hands with leaders and tycoons
whose only interests have been to maintain a global order governed by an international
financial architecture that centres on the illicit flow of money, otherwise known as late 20th
and 21st century kleptocracy.

I Ivanka says Kleptocracy is my middle name. It’s all over my Instagram feed.

C The ancient people’s chisme rings loud. Chelsea will never be able to escape it.

I chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme, chisme.

C The ancient people are at her throat. Chelsea feels the breath go out of her.
Strangled, red in the face, merciless.

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry.

I For a moment everything is quiet.

…
…
…

And all she can hear is the sound of the waves.

C Like summer in the Hamptons.

Ah.

…
…

45
 …

I And then the ancient people, the chorus possessed of the furious magic of chisme, turn
their back on her in all caps as if to say

WE HAVE LOST FAITH IN YOU.

**

C Chelsea is bereft.

I This has never happened to her before.

C Well, maybe once when she was a little girl, and she threw one of the letters from one of
her father’s mistresses into the fireplace so that no one could find out what the letter said,
and all hell broke loose.

I Back then she spoke like an American Southerner. She hadn’t officially ditched her
accent yet.

(in a very Southern accent)

C I’m-a gonna burn this letter into oblivion. Ain’t no one gonna find out anything about
anything about this.

When, whoa. Slap. Her mom walked in and said,

I What do you think you’re doing?

46
C Chelsea buckled under her mother’s gaze. Her mother was fearsome and made of steel.
She was from an American city called Chicago and had Chicago ways. And she knew
many, many things.

I’m-a just gonna…

I You’re going to retrieve the ashes of that letter and say I’m sorry.

C But.

I No ifs, and’s or but’s. We’re not a family that burns things. We face them and move on.

C But.

I Burning things is for cowards. Our secrets are out in the open. We face the camera and
apologize, and the world forgives us, because at the end of the day, we are good people,
and politics is politics, and whatever your father does is no business of ours. And for God’s
sake, stop slouching. It’s a terrible habit. Your job is to grow up to be famous and smart
and marry into money. And you can’t marry into any kind of money by playing the part of
a put-upon heroine in a creaky melodrama.

C Her mother’s stare is withering.

I It’s the same stare with which she moved through the world of law and politics for more
than thirty years. Her mother’s eyes have seen everything. … Now, what do you say?

C I’m sorry.

And the sinking cries of the people called climate refugees fill the belly of the sea.

47
I While the ancient people from long ago that utter chisme say: don’t use the climate
refugees as a prop in your story.

C I’m not.

I Their desperation is not meant to lift up your suffering.

C I never said …

I What you do and what your friends have done don’t deserve to be associated with the
tales of terror and pity that those crossing land and sea have endured because of your
people’s policies.

C But.

I NO.

C … Chelsea makes a face.

I Ivanka makes a face.

C Chelsea says she feels cold.

I Ivanka says she always has a weighted blanket on her bed precisely for moments like these.

C Chelsea craves a weighted blanket.

I Ivanka offers to loan her one of hers.

C Chelsea thinks about this.

48
I Ivanka waits.

C Chelsea can’t stop hearing the cries of the refugees.

I Ivanka says there is a plague upon the world.

C Chelsea says it’s us who have made this plague.

I Ivanka says “why must you always bother me, when we’re having fun?”

49
Six

C Chelsea and Ivanka are sharing a chocolate cupcake at Magnolia Bakery. It is an airy day in
the middle of summer. The locals are out with their babies and their nannies. The sounds
of Jamaican English, French, Spanish, Tibetan and Portuguese fill the air.

I Ah, this city is such a polyglot city.

C In this scene, they have been friends for almost five years. They won’t be friends for much
longer.

But today, it doesn’t matter, because the cupcake is filled with chocolate drops, and it
is very soft and chewy.

Five years.

I Time sure does fly, doesn’t it?

Ivanka stares out the window. She catches a glimpse of herself in its reflection. She adjusts
her eyebrows with the tips of her fingers. She’s considering switching to Chanel’s Ballerina
nail polish from now on, as it is part of the beige world to which she now aspires.
Everything in soft beiges and muted greys. Tasteful, classy. No gaudy gold leaf anymore.
None of that hideous nouveau riche gauche-ness. She can’t believe she had big poufy hair
once and wore glitter on her face. Ugh. … Blah beige for her from now on. Aspirational
blah beige wonder. Very Town & Country, the magazine. Don’t you love it?

C Sorry?

I Ballerina.

C Oh. Yes. It’s very beige.

50
I Beige-pink, actually.

C Turning your back on Rouge Noir?

I Time to grow up and be who I’m meant to be.

C Ivanka is practicing what it’s like to be a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, even though she’s
recently converted to Judaism. White Anglo-Saxon Protestants, otherwise known as
WASPs, are the bedrock of American society, some people say.

I Ivanka doesn’t necessarily agree deep down in her heart, but she has long since stopped
caring about the dictates of it. Hearts can be so messy. Besides, there’s something
thrilling about WASPs. Sting!

C WASP-ness sells. WASP-ness is a brand that does very well in most circles at the higher
ends of society, because WASP-ness is political whiteness and is closer to God.

I Ivanka is not sure if she totally believes this, but her paternal grandfather said something
like this once, and the words rang through her like a crystal bell. It’s time she embraced her
inner and outer WASP-ness and make it part of her show.

Welcome to my world. It is white and clean and filled with dappled light and the most
exquisite furnishings, and none of what I sell can be bought by just anyone. Not even on
the cable TV channel called Quality Value Convenience. No. This political whiteness only
does business with bank accounts in twelve different countries and with people that know
that the best places to take their vacations are in Wyoming and South Dakota. Forget the
Cayman Islands. They’re a relic of the old ways and the old days. Welcome to the new
world, darlings.

Ha, ha, ha.

51
C Breathless, quiver.

I She’s practicing her moves.

C Chelsea watches Ivanka. She recognizes these moves because she’s practiced them, too.
When she was a little girl, WASP-ness was drilled into her like a medieval punishment.
And when she was in her angsty teenage years, the lessons came down hard and swift upon
her until she became who she is at this moment, and who she might be forever.

**

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka stares at the image of Ivanka on the screen.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea stares at the image of Chelsea on another screen.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka watches with the sound off.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea does the same.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka has never been to Magnolia Bakery, even though they have lived
in the city for many years.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea found herself outside Magnolia Bakery once when a group of
tourists asked her to take their picture in front of its cupcake display.

Snap.
Thanks. Have a nice day.

The tourists went on their way.

52
 Chelsea who’s not Chelsea wonders how much the people that work at Magnolia Bakery
make.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka says not enough to live in that neighbourhood.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea says No one can live in this city anymore.

I Sigh. Make a fist. Punch the air three times.

**

C Chelsea watches Ivanka out of the corner of her eye. She can see Ivanka working overtime
to maintain the performance of her WASP-ness.

I There’s an appeal to speaking in soft demure tones with a firm, steady gaze. You must
make sure to wear your designer chic just so.

Cold smile, hint of teeth. Lips dusted in a pink-beige sheen.

C Ivanka will be just so. And leave all the Czech words her mother once taught her behind.

I Stare into the camera. Radiant close-up.

Goodbye, Bez práce nejsou koláče.

Goodbye.

C The roar of military boots in the background. Fanfare. Parade.

I Bye, bye, Miss Democracy pie.

C Glitch.

53
 **

Artefact: Whiteness sometimes spelled y-t and other times spelled w-h-y-t-e is an
ideological and political sickness that afflicts those that believe their power is the only
power that matters.

I Glitch.

C Whiteness is a concept that emerged in the 17th century through acts of state-sanctioned
violence against people defined as outside that imagined category. It is sometimes coupled
with a belief in a theocratic ethno-nationalist state. One nation, one God, that sort of thing.
Or to put it a different way: religious and racial apartheid.

I Glitch.

C This sickness in its American iteration is often associated with right-wing gun culture,

I Glitch.

C corporate white evangelical Christianity,

I Glitch.

C patriarchy, settler colonialism, anti-Blackness,

I Glitch.

C and the symbolic and figurative use of images of the Confederacy, signifying a “necessary”
return to an “Eden” built on the backs of the enslaved and the dispossessed.

I Glitch.
Glitch.

54
C So, when Ivanka says WASP-ness is political whiteness and is closer to God, what she
really means is...

I It is the beautiful new world order of fascism, racism, and sales.

C Freeze.

I WHITENESS IS A BITCH.

Glitch.

C The image cuts out.

**
**

Chelsea stares at the cupcake. She wants to eat the whole thing, and order a second one,
but she knows that that would be irresponsible. She has been working at being more
responsible these days. She is no longer a child, after all. No longer a teenager. She is a
grown-ass woman with grown-ass concerns, even if she still wants to shout

WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT

ANYMORE
ANYMORE
ANYMORE
ANYMORE.

She needs to stop pretending she is only somebody’s daughter and that she does not have
opinions of her own.

55
I Ivanka cannot be bothered by opinions. She has entertained many. Now she has the
luxury of picking the ones she wants to have. When you have money, you can buy
sentiment itself. It’s amazing.

C The characters known as Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte used to get together at
Magnolia Bakery. Although the quality has gone down a bit

I – shh, don’t tell anyone –

C Chelsea and Ivanka still meet here from time to time in honor of all the hours they spent
watching “Sex and the City,” when they could’ve spent those same hours doing something
for the good of the world.

I Stop being so sanctimonious.

C It’s true, though.

I We’re entitled to Magnolia Bakery and its little charms. Besides, political whiteness is not
about the color of your skin or about ethnicity or anything like that.

C WTF are you talking about?

I You know perfectly well, little bird.

C … The vintage analogue clock at the Magnolia Bakery ticks. Chelsea wants to walk right up
to it and smash its face.

I All. Too. Well.

C Tick, tick, tick.

56
I “A democratic republic is the best possible political shell for capitalism, and,
therefore, once capital has gained possession of this very best shell… it establishes power so
securely, so firmly, that no change of persons, institutions or parties in the bourgeois-
democratic republic can shake it.”

C A teacup teeters on the other side of the bakery.

I Ivanka says to Chelsea: Those words I said a few seconds ago were written by Vladimir
Lenin in his book The State and Revolution, 1917.

C Chelsea remembers these words from when she majored in history at university.

I Relax, darling. Enjoy the day.

C Chelsea stares, face down, at the cupcake. She wants to devour it. Leave nothing for
anybody. She wants to be a wolf or a shark or a crone. Ah, the power of crones.

When Chelsea thinks about the people that used to sit on the rocks near the sea in the
long-ago times uttering their chisme, what she sees are crones. Old women in dark clothes
spinning their wondrous dark magic with their tongues and hands. The power of bodies
that have been through everything and know everything and are mighty as fuck. And still
goddamn fucking sexy on their own terms and no one else’s.

She wants to freeze frame this moment in the middle of the city in this corner of Magnolia
Bakery and shout

POWER TO THE CRONES OF THE EARTH.

MAY THEY RUUUUUUUUUULE.

I But Mr. Big.

57
C What?

I We have our Mr. Bigs to tend to.

C Ah. Mr. Big.

**

C Chelsea has a Mr. Big in her life.

I Ivanka has a Mr. Big in her life.

C Chelsea’s Mr. Big comes from money.

I Ivanka’s Mr. Big also comes from money.

C Artefact: The father of Chelsea’s Mr. Big was indicted on 31 of 69 felony charges of bank
fraud, mail fraud and wire fraud and went to federal prison for five years, before he was let
out.

I Artefact: The father of Ivanka’s Mr. Big was convicted of many tax crimes and other things
and also went to federal prison for a while until her father pardoned him, when he was a
world leader of sorts. And he was also let out.

C Chelsea is not her father-in-law.

I Ivanka is not her father-in-law.

Footnote to the first artefact. File under related item from Chelsea’s family history: Under
Chelsea’s father’s tenure, prisons in the Southern state in which he governed for ten years
made millions of dollars selling the blood plasma of disproportionately Black and poor

58
 people that were incarcerated. This scheme came to be known as the “Arkansas Prison
Blood Scandal.” It led to mass illness and enormous corporate profits. However, if you’re
looking for extensive stories about this scheme in the history books, you won’t find it.

C Footnote to the second artefact. File under related item from Ivanka’s family history:
Under Ivanka’s father’s tenure as a world leader of sorts for four years, children and
parents at the US-Mexican border, all of them asylum seekers fleeing violence and
persecution in Central America, were victims of a zero-tolerance policy that enforced
family separations. More than 5000 children, some as young as a few months old, were
forcibly separated from their parents as an act of deterrence to other potential asylum
seekers. To this day these children and their parents are still suffering from PTSD and
other mental health disorders. However, if you’re looking for extensive stories about this in
the history books, you won’t find it.

I Ivanka is not her father.

C Chelsea is not her father.

But they both carry their sins.

I Ivanka makes a face.

C Chelsea makes a face.

For a moment, they are both in a state of trauma replay.

…
…
…

And then

59
I Please, let’s not talk about awful things. We’re BFFs.

C Ivanka looks at Chelsea. She does that thing with her wrist as if she’s wearing a watch.

I Right?

C Chelsea looks off, to one side, as if the future is right around the corner.

I Remember Mr. Big!

C Ah, yes, their respective Mr. Bigs and their fathers and families.

They are all friends.

I And they are all forgiven.

C Well…

I Mostly.

**

C They hang out together in quiet places on the east side of the city, and sometimes head
to the beach where all the Mr. Bigs and their fathers play golf and drink fine whiskeys.

I Your father and mine have played so many rounds of golf together. It’s amazing.

C They pretend to get along. That’s all.

I Like us?

60
C Oh, we’re true.

I Ivanka thinks about the truth. It is a concept that has always eluded her. Ever since she was
a child, she was surrounded by made-up stories. Her family used to say that she had to
believe each new story as it was being spun. Accept them as they come, delete all the
others. It had gotten to a point where she had deleted so many stories, she couldn’t
remember anything.

That’s when her family advised her that it was no use remembering. The burden of history
was a nuisance. What she had to focus on was the future. Her duty was to always look
ahead. Eyes on the shiniest things. The American novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald may have
once declared that there are no second acts in American lives, but she and many in her
family are proof that with the right connections, you can have as many lives as a
destruction of cats!

C … One of the bakers at the Magnolia is wearing a pin that says “Occupy Wall Street.”
Chelsea is surprised by this, because it’s been a long time since that movement has held
any sort of sway. The last time she remembers seeing that phrase was on a street in the
lower part of the city. A poet type was spray painting it on a wall as a sign of protest. She
thought it was in poor taste. The ills of the world should not be levelled at Wall Street.
Bankers are just people.

Her Mr. Big was a banker, after all. He even had his own hedge fund company for a while,
and later was a top dog at a venture capital firm called Social Capital.

I - yes, that was its name. No irony. -

C Bankers are workers. You could say they’re their own worker party. They’re merely doing
a job. If the world didn’t have bankers, no one would know what to do with their money.

I Chelsea loves money.

61
C Ivanka loves money, too.

I It’s not a crime.

C Although many criminal things are done in its name.

You must admit.

I I admit nothing.

C Not even here?

I Not even when I’m beholding a cupcake.

C Chelsea notices a steely glint in Ivanka’s eye.

I What?

C Sometimes I don’t know what you’re thinking.

I That’s because I’m a sphynx cat.

C Are you?

I Meow.

C Ivanka wraps her arms around Chelsea.

I Chelsea receives Ivanka’s embrace.

C Chelsea breathes.

62
I Ivanka breathes.

C This is the last time they’ll be together

I And feel any kind of happy.

**

63
Seven

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea watches a picture of Ivanka on a screen.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka watches a picture of Chelsea on another screen.

C Ivanka.

I Chelsea.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea has been working the late shift and is now on the train to her
flat on the other side of the city.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka has finished the twelfth of their fifteen temp jobs and is craving
sleep. They are leaning against the door of the train car, even though a sign above them
says they shouldn’t. They don’t care anymore. They’re done with rules. They want the
world to give them a break, even if they know the world never will.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea watches a picture of Ivanka from when she was an adolescent.
She has poufy hair and a glittery face, and it looks like she hasn’t slept in days.

I She’s so coked-up.

C You think?

I Serious coke.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea is struck by the disco baby-ness of this Ivanka and feels a
sudden pang of something.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka offers Chelsea who’s not Chelsea their hand and says don’t be
feeling too many things, it’s a long train ride uptown.

64
C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea smiles. She had forgotten how to do this. It’s been a while since
she’s had a reason to just smile.

I Sometimes you need to take your mind off things.

C The news cycle is murder.

I Turn off all the screens.

C But Chelsea who’s not Chelsea can’t. Because almost everyone she knows is starting to do
this. And if they keep on, how will anyone know what’s really happening in the world?
And how many people will take advantage of this state of weary-ness to trample over
everyone’s rights, even more so than they are doing already?

Witness: In the eleventh month of the second decade of the 21st century, the international
IDEA thinktank added the United States to its annual list of backsliding democracies for
the very first time. Moreover, the thinktank concluded that seventy percent of the
population in the entire world was living in either a backsliding democracy, a hybrid
government, or an authoritarian state.

This is a crisis.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka says What is that phrase? “Our brand is crisis?”

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea stares at Ivanka who’s not Ivanka. Please, be serious for a sec.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka looks at a small pile of trash tucked under a passenger seat on the
train. They wonder who left it there and who they think will clean it up.

C The world’s in a state.

65
I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka wants to say reassuring things, because they know that that’s what
most people want to hear these days. Everyone has been through so much.

Their whole family has been through so much for generations. Mountains of trauma.
Loads of grief. Massive cases of injustice. Enough!

But Ivanka who’s not Ivanka doesn’t have the reassuring words at the ready, because they
too are in a state of weary-ness and they just want to look at silly memes and scroll through
pictures of trees and cleanse all the timelines till the end of time for the rest of the night.

Look. This is a picture of another Chelsea.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea sees an image of herself on a screen from another time. Back
when she was dreaming of a being a poet and had joined groups of other people that had
started to assemble in the lower part of the city to shout against social and economic
inequality and the excessive influence of corporations on government. She thought the
entire world was going to change then, and life would be truly beautiful for everyone. The
picture makes her furious at her own naivete, at her own belief in, well, belief itself. Her
friend is right. Turn off all the screens.

I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka rustles at something under their feet.

The train is taking ages to get uptown.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea wonders how much longer she will have to clean at the brasserie
before her job disappears entirely.

I They will always need cleaners.

66
C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea is skeptical, but she wants to be in a good mood tonight,
because who knows when she will ever be in one again. So, she rests her head against the
window of the train and lets the rumble of the tracks move through her body.

I It’s sorta like being on the prairie.

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea laughs. What a silly thing to say. We’re in the middle of the
city.

I The train chugs along, weary from years of carrying passengers to all sorts of jobs and
schools and other destinations. Ivanka who’s not Ivanka imagines the wide-open spaces
that once existed in parts of the world- spaces unclaimed, unsold, just breathing and being.
They feel like a prairie dog all a sudden, roaming the earth, letting out a howl, singing an
old prairie song about cranberries and trees. Ah-oooooo.

C The moon stills outside the window of the train.

I Think it’s listening to me?

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea nods. The moon listens to everything. Even in sleep.

**

I Ivanka is standing at the far end of a receiving line. She wears a long-sleeved black dress
with matching heels. She’s at a funeral for a world leader that has recently passed away. She
and her whole family are in a state of disgrace, but she refuses to acknowledge the stiff
looks and the barely concealed hate all around her. She’s used to being treated with
disdain. She thrives on it. It’s fuel for her engine. Besides, she knows that in a few years’
time, after much political chaos from which she will mostly escape somewhat unscathed,
she will be celebrating a big birthday of hers at a swanky club in a trendy part of one of her

67
 favorite port cities, and Vanity Fair, Page Six and People, the magazine, will be there to
cover it. Ivanka will always be a celebrity.

Snap!

She looks over at the other end of the line and sees her old friend, Chelsea.
They haven’t spoken in such a long time.

C Chelsea sees Ivanka. The first thought that crosses her mind is how much she’s aged.
She looks worn and drawn, and it’s not even the end of everything. She really should get
her face yassified.

Chelsea does her best not to look at Ivanka in the eye. It’s a sad day. And she doesn’t wish
for it be any sadder. State funerals are what they are. Necessary political functions. The
world mourns an old leader and tries to forget any of the ills that the leader has done. A
day to celebrate the good accomplishments, whatever those may have been, and leave all
wars and tragedies and all their collateral damage by the wayside.

I Tweet: Chelsea posts a picture of herself as a toddler being greeted once by the late world
leader. She recalls the love and kindness she felt at meeting him, and how he became a
long-time friend of the family, despite their political differences.

Ivanka knows Chelsea is trying not to look at her.

C Chelsea knows Ivanka is doing the same.

I They both walk into the church to the sound of mourning music, wearing their best
designer blacks, and looking appropriately stricken and strained.

C It’s a cold day in December.

68
I Ivanka sits next to Chelsea.

C Chelsea sits next to Ivanka.

I Ivanka did not plan this. She had nothing to do with the seating arrangement.

C Chelsea did not plan this either.

I Perhaps the gods planned this, Ivanka muses.

C For a half second, there is a distinct flutter in Chelsea’s stomach. Memories of shared
drinks, cupcakes, and karaoke. The stuff between friends that stays between friends. The
stuff that hurts because none of it will ever come back.

I Ivanka wants to turn on the laugh track and pretend they are in a situation comedy, and
that everything between them and the world has just been an awful coincidence. She even
imagines that in many years’ time, they will see each other again somewhere on a beach
perhaps and they will sit next to each other and discuss their champagne problems almost
as if nothing had happened.

C Not likely.

I Ivanka senses that Chelsea’s been reading her mind.

C Chelsea nods. She has acquired a sixth sense after Ivanka and her broke up. And now she
uses it precisely for times like these.

I Ivanka hides an almost smile. Even though they don’t speak to each other anymore, it
pleases her to think that something of hers has rubbed off on Chelsea. Because when they
met, Chelsea couldn’t even begin to read her mind.

69
C The mourning music stops. The sermon begins.

I It will be a long service. And Ivanka is determined to wear her best dutifully stricken face
for the cameras, even if frowning makes her look dumpy.

C Chelsea wonders how many state funerals she will need to attend after this one. She
wonders too what would have happened if she hadn’t been born into this life.

Flashback to one of the last times Chelsea and Ivanka spoke to one another.

It was late in the political campaign season, which already had been one of the longest
campaign seasons on record. There was tension in the air, but Chelsea assured herself that
friendship could transcend politics. They were all smart people, more or less, and
understood that everything was a reality show, and that when the cameras cut out, they
could all gather together and have tiny pieces of cheese and flutes of bubbly.

I Ivanka was in something of a state. She resented that her father’s political campaign was
interfering with her social life. She missed going to parties. She missed working on her
brand, even while she was developing a new brand.

I am not my father. I am not the sins of my father.

This had always been one of her mantras.

But she was a dutiful daughter. That was her true identity.
Or at least the only one she’d ever really known.

C Chelsea and her were sitting in a theatre not unlike this one, unwinding over drinks, as they
liked to do.

Chelsea stared at the moon.

70
I Ivanka moved the moon to one side.

C Chelsea wondered what Ivanka was doing to the moon.

I Ivanka said I’m just shifting the perspective.

C Chelsea giggled. An actual giggle.

I Ivanka tossed her drink across the room and watched the glass shatter.

C Why’d you do that?

I Because I wanted to.

C Chelsea tossed her drink across the room and watched the glass shatter.

I See? Doesn’t it feel good?

C Yes.

I Now if only all the poor people would shut up.

C Chelsea is confused.

I They’re ruining everything with their demands. Imagine thinking that a more equitable and
democratic society for working class people of all races and creeds could be a reality.

C Chelsea stares. Who are you becoming?

I Oh, don’t look at me like that. You think the same thing. I just happen to be the one that
says what I mean.

71
C Chelsea takes a moment. She wonders if she thinks the same thing, too. After all, in her
family, they always talked about bipartisan power.

I What do you think that means?

C Chelsea went to many fancy schools. She has two degrees. She knows exactly what these
words mean, but.

I Bipartisanship is for the ruling elites. Key words: ruling and elites. Who do you think that
means? Us, little bird. Might as well stop using the word altogether and grab power by the
horns fully and completely. The poor will never have anything. They will always be stuck
on the wheel of infinite demand. It’s an endless cycle. All we can do is throw them a few
crumbs every once in a while and make them think we ARE doing something and that we
ARE listening to their grievances. As long as we present an illusion that they’re being heard,
we can carry on and do whatever we like.

C Chelsea hides her face in her hands.

I Ivanka studies Chelsea’s posture. You really must do something about yourself.

C What?

I You’re all crumpled.

C Chelsea is tired of Ivanka judging her all the time. Who does she think she is, anyway? She
always acts like she’s a big sister when Chelsea’s two whole years older than her.
Everyone has rights. Everyone’s entitled to things.

I All the useless bottom-feeders attacking our skies, invading our borders, running riot
through our cities. Entitled? The liberal world order you love so much is a thing of the
past. In ten-twenty years’ time, there will be so much devastation and catastrophe that the

72
 only order that will flourish will be an illiberal one. We might as well embrace illiberalism
now. While we can.

The clock is ticking, little bird. Tick, tick, tick.

And if we don’t act, we’ll get tossed into the sea like all those poor people. And if there’s
one thing I know: neither of us, and our kind, are cut out for poverty. Oh, we can give
speeches about what it feels like to be poor, and how much we empathize, but we wouldn’t
last a second out there in the real world.

Besides, the real world is a thing of the past. People want a clean, finished, fake world.
That’s the image-reality they crave. And it’s our duty to give it to them. You may think I’m
being harsh but I’m just being realistic. Enough beta- testing. Let’s upgrade ourselves, for
fuck’s sake.

There is no center, anyway. There hasn’t been one in a long time. So, let’s use the words of
hyper-nationalists when we face the cameras so that we can stir chaos and rage, but when
we’re in rooms like these, let’s be clear that what we’re really are mega-globalists fiercely
dedicated to transnational money flows, profiting from the traffic of humans, guns, drugs,
and real estate.

C Chelsea stares at Ivanka.

I Ivanka stares at Chelsea.

C …

I …

C Chelsea hits Ivanka hard across the face.

73
I Ivanka is stunned.

C Chelsea waits.

I Ivanka cries white tears of rage. Wah, wah, wah.

C Chelsea looks at Ivanka.

I Ivanka looks at Chelsea.

Chelsea.

C Ivanka.

I Chelsea.

C Ivanka.

I Chelsea.

C Ivanka.

I Chelsea.

C Ivanka.

I Chelsea.

C Ivanka.

I Chelsea.

74
C Ivanka.

I Chelsea.

C Ivanka fades.

…
…
…

Chelsea breathes.

Chelsea breathes.

Chelsea fades.

**
**

I A mourning song fills the room. As if it’s coming from a cathedral from another time.
It sounds like an old song by Joni Mitchell stuck in a groove.

I’ve looked at life from

I’ve looked at life from
I’ve looked at life from

…
…
…

C Chelsea who’s not Chelsea looks out.

75
I Ivanka who’s not Ivanka looks out.

C I smile.

I I also smile.

C It’s a new day.

76