Ive been debating whether to enter comedy for a while.

The idea of an ugly audien ce is what usually puts me off, but Im pleased to say that tonight theres nothing but elegance being displayed in front of me. I would have sex with every one of you. Id like to start with a couple deeper topics, first of which being the single whi te head i recently discovered on the shaft of my penis. its sort of just on the c usp of where the main shaft ends and the softer tissue begins. now for some of y ou this idea may be foreign though im always told that circumcision is the norm t oday. about half the penises ive ever seen have been uncircumcised so i cant help but think theres some kind of popular backlash occurring with respect to circumci sion at birth. much like people are beginning to refuse routine vaccinations for their infant child for fear of destabilizing their immune system. which i happe n to whole-heartedly agree with, should you live in a cult on vancouver island. hearkening back to my penis for a second here, i just have to share with you som ething quite peculiar about its coloration. though my skin is of a darker, more mediterannean complexion, it has always boggled my mind that the shaft of my pen is should appear dark brown in color. if i were to compare it to wood i would sa y something close to teac or mahogany. isnt this strange? somebody tell me please if they personally can relate to this? my whole life ive felt a certain rapport with black people and not a one has ever taken a liking to me. you can imagine t he crisis of identity this might have perpetuated during my more awkward adolesc ent years, while sporting phat pharm shoes and sean john apparel at school, only to be teased and looked down on by caucasian peers clad with similar fashions, simply because i chose to play neopets rather than attempt to win them over duri ng lunch break. not to mention when i lost my virginity at 21 to an overweight, half-chinese gir l who made such a fuss over it. she was quite fussy that one, quite fussy. i lat er decided to break off relations with her as she was moving out of her college dorm for the summer, by leaving a note on the back of one of her school papers f or her to see on top of her desk. leaving the note was hard, i was tearing by th e time i stepped outside, so i decided to eat some psilocybin mushrooms at the b each with a couple friends to help me get over it. the memory of her asking me t o take her anally while gagging her with my socks and tying her hands behind her back on the night i lost my virginity will remain always deep in my heart. alon g with the microwaved cream cheese fettucini alfredo, which was her specialty. a true artiste she was. So whats the deal with clubs? i gotta tell you, theres really no place Id rather be less than in a club. If Im courting a girl and she should want to go dancing, this is pretty much a deal breaker. I cant stand the damned places. Theyre either full of queers (which is actually more entertaining because at least there Im constan tly getting hit on), or full of drunk baristas looking to emotionally shatter th e nearest fella desperate enough to find himself in there in the first place. i can tell you even when I was at the peak of my confusion regarding women-- when I would pretend that a girl had dropped a piece of paper and tap her on the shou lder, only to walk away awkwardly as she picked it up and read my pathetic appea l for her companionship using the seldom employed, youre so beautiful, this is my number technique-- never would I have imagined in my wildest dreams that being in a club would resolve the kinds of primal urges i was experiencing. The forest m aybe. But single girls are not to be found in there. That would just make it too easy for a guy like me. Everything has to be so fucking difficult all the time. But isnt that what makes it all worthwhile in the end? Thats what they all say, a nd I can tell you the answer is a consistent fucking no. The best things come wh en you expend little to no energy over them. Am I right? guys like king abdullah . king abdullah lounges on his throne all day eating chocolate wafers imported f rom austria and beckons for one of his maids to come in and work it. christ, the guy might die from a heart attack one of these days simply through ejaculation.

thatll be ten thousand lashes ordered for whichever miserable slave happened to be on duty that day. Now this is a prime opportunity for me to segway into uncontrollable feelings of violence and mayhem. I get these about once a week and I just get this unruly u rge to storm the offices of Delilo and Furack, personal injury lawyers, and beat them with my bare hands until their flesh is so badly mutilated, I cant tell whi ch is Delilo and which is Furack. So then Ill call up my weed delivery guy-- i fo und him on the Internet (all I had to do was type in weed delivery vancouver, im agine that!)-- and get him to bring me my medicine. Then Im all about the one-lov e and chill vibes man. Unity with all womankind. The next morning Ill wake up ear ly and slash everyones tires within a four-block radius. Seriously though, what is up with prohibition. I call it prohibition because its the same deal as alcohol in the 1920s. The government had a master plan then and the same things been a-brewing with marijuana, I can guarantee it. When they mad e alcohol illegal, EVERYONE started getting drunk. What happens when everyones dr unk all the time? The population becomes deaf, dumb, and blind to everything tha t happens upstairs where the mega-rich people are deciding our futures. Same thi ng with marijuana man. Except it takes it to the next level. Make it illegal to buy, sell, grow and use and sooner or later, youll get more and more people using it. A country of pot smokers is a fascists erotic day-dream. Everyones thinking a bout peace and love with their fellow man, while their getting drunk, smoking a cigarette and eating fucking big macs. So youve got obese diabetics with heart co nditions, smoking joints to ease their pain, as they let another accidental shar t go off in their sweat pants. Thats when bullshit like the Patriot Act gets pass ed into legislation, thats when stunts like 9/11 start to go down without popular uprisings and don t think this trend isn t affecting us up here in Canada. Dont think just because all the fatty mc fat fats are down south that what happens do wn there doesnt affect us here. The United States Of Merka is the most powerful n ation on Earth. They are the champions of democracy and free will. And now for s ome usage based billing so that the rogers telecommunications corporation can be nd us over a little farther and stick its uncircumcised cock a little deeper int o our collective assholes. This kind of talk gets my lower back aching and you know what I found out recent ly? My massage therapist tells me I have scoliosis. "Did anyone ever tell me tha t before?" she asked. It was fucking news to me. I looked it up on Web MD where Asian and Jewish med school students self-diagnose themselves up to six times a day after a couple lines of Cocaine. I swear everyone I know whos ever had med sc hool aspirations or who is on their way there has delved into the coke for a whi le. Every single person, its fucking disheartening. Im really starting to not trus t doctors anymore. So this scoliosis search returns a diagram of a normal spine and one with scolio sis and I see the one with scoliosis has a dent in it the shape of a fucking bel l curve, and I really start questioning Web MD s reputability, let alone that of my massage therapists. So as punishment, I keep my next appointment with my massage therapist and wait to cancel the day of. Perhaps a bit of a lesson learned for her. She was a bit m outhy about me being 9 minutes late for my last appointment so I felt this was o nly fitting. She s got that really short hair. That real Hey I m not a Lesbian bu t I wear my hair like a total butch! kind of look. Which maybe prevents the awkwa rd boner when she asks you to turn over, but its just one of those things that ca n completely turn me off a person. A girl person. Its the latest craze among attr active women, theyre thinking "Oh I know Ill just get a fucking buzz cut and asser t extra power over males who still think Im attractive even though I know theyd pr efer it if I wore it longer." The kind of guys that ll go after these girls are just so fucking desperate and pathetic, theyre prepared to worship a girl after shes pulled that kind of a stunt. Not me. I wont fall for it. Not for a second. Gi

rls wear their hair long, it looks better that way. They can pull it off, so tha ts what they should do. If guys could pull it off then we would be the ones with baby chutes below our abdomens alright? But on to the topic thats on everyones minds tonight, and I can tell just by takin g a look around here that you guys are really searching for some kind of guidanc e, so Im gonna give you the answer but you have to promise not to be disappointed . Do you promise? OK, the answer is... Antarctica. Antarctica is the fucking ans wer, its indisputable, no two ways about it, thats just the way it is. Im completel y serious, think of all the bullshit that annoys the fuck out of you on a day to day basis, let it all start spinning around your head and then start envisionin g Antarctica. Cold, barren, windy ice mountains with penguins tobagonning around and shit, ice whales and ice fish fucking to stay warm. It works every time, I swear by it. This fat kid in my class back in junior high went to Antarctica wit h his family on spring break. What the fuck do you do in Antarctica man? How fuc king expensive does it have to be to fly down there, and all for what? So the ki ds can play fucking pokemon in some research facilities covered in ice? Im imagin ing the fathers role in organizing this trip-- "Come children, we will venture to Antarctica, and once there, we will be there. We will simply be. There." Yay pa pa! Such a wonderful opportunity for the building of our already soulless charac ters, spoiled by years of south park re-runs and compulsive masturbation while m utilating the corpses of fallen teammates on counterstrike, yay yeah!