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cn thc Orgnal Chch-Lt Mastcrpccc
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*crr:|cr *crr:|cr * #rus:c #rus:c #
WI TH Glcnn Ycllcil
llI llI NG WI ll
lLNlLLLA lOOKS. INC.
Dallas, 1cxas
Tlis pullicaiion las noi lccn prcparcd. approvcd or liccnscd ly any cniiiy ilai crcaicd or produccd ilc
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Iniroduciion` 2005 Jcnnilcr Crusic
Docs ilis pciiicoai malc mc lool lai'` 2005
lcil Macias
A Liiilc Iricndly Advicc` 2005 Jcnnilcr
OConncll
Higl-Class Prollcms` 2005 Laura Caldwcll
A World ai War` 2005 Lawrcncc Waii-Lvans
Gold Diggcrs ol 1S13` 2005 Jo lcvcrlcy
Any Way You Slicc Ii` 2005 Llisalcil
Iairclild
Janc Ausicn and ilc Masiurlaiing Criiic`
2005 Adam Rolcris
Tlc Original Clicl-Lii Masicrpiccc` 2005
Slanna Swcndson
Plcniy ol Pridc and Prcjudicc io Go Around`
2005 Laurcn laraiz-Logsicd
Llizalcil . . . On ilc Rool` 2005 Jcnnilcr
Colurn
lridc and Prcjudicc` 2005 Laura Rcsnicl
Timcs and Tcnors` 2005 Saral Zciicl
My Darling Mr. Darcy` 2005 Tcrcsa Mcdciros
My Iiril Lovc` 2005 Lani Dianc Ricl
Noi Prcciscly Pridc` 2005 Mcrccdcs Laclcy
Gcorgiana` 2005 Janc Lspcnson
Clarloiics Sidc ol ilc Siory` 2005 Mclissa
Scnaic
Tlc Sccrci Lilc ol Mary` 2005 Jill Winicrs
Lord lyron and Miss A` 2005 Clcryl Sawycr
Prc an Prcjucc. Wiil Ccll Ploncs.` 2005
Miclcllc Cunnal
lcnncis and linglcys and liiclcs. Ol My!`
2005 Lrin Dailcy
Prc an Prcjucc: Tlc Rcaliiy Slow` 2005
Joycc Millman
Tlc Lvoluiion ol Lnvy` 2005 Alcsia Holliday
Janc and Mc` 200+ Karcn Joy Iowlcr.
Originally pullislcd in 1hc Pclcvcr
magazinc.
Addiiional Maicrials 2005 Jcnnilcr Crusic
All riglis rcscrvcd. No pari ol ilis lool may lc uscd or rcproduccd in any manncr wlaisocvcr wiiloui
wriiicn pcrmission cxccpi in ilc casc ol lricl ouoiaiions cmlodicd in criiical ariiclcs or rcvicws.
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PUlLISHLR: Glcnn Ycllcil
SLNIOR LDITOR: Slanna Cauglcy
ASSOCIATL LDITOR: Lcal Wilson
DIRLCTOR OI MARKLTING/PR: Laura Wailins
Prinicd in ilc Uniicd Siaics ol Amcrica
10 9 S 7 6 5 + 3 2 1
Lilrary ol Congrcss Caialoging-in-Pullicaiion Daia
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ISlN 1-932100-72-5
1. Ausicn. Janc. 1775-1S17. Pridc and prcjudicc. 2. Womcn and liicraiurc-Lngland-Hisiory-19il
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|ntrcuctcn 1
JLNNIILR CRUSIL
/o/ / oo
Dccs ths pcttccat mahc mc lcch [at?" 7
lLTH KLNDRICK
A Lttlc Ircnly Avcc 13
JLNNIILR OCONNLLL
Hgh-Class Prcblcms 19
LAURA CALDWLLL
/ ,
A Wcrl at War 27
LAWRLNCL WATT-LVANS
Gcl Dggcrs cl 1813 33
JO lLVLRLLY
/ ./o
Any Way )cu Slcc |t +3
LLISAlLTH IAIRCHILD
|anc Austcn an thc Masturbatng Crtc 51
ADAM ROlLRTS
1hc Orgnal Chch-Lt Mastcrpccc 63
SHANNA SWLNDSON
Plcnty c[ Prc an Prcjucc tc Gc Arcun 71
LAURLN lARATZ-LOGSTLD

vi
/ o
Ll:abcth . . . On thc Pcc[ 79
JLNNIILR COlURN
Prc an Prcjucc S7
LAURA RLSNICK
1mcs an 1cncrs 97
SARAH ZLTTLL

My Darlng Mr. Darcy 107
TLRLSA MLDLIROS
My Irth Lcvc 113
LANI DIANL RICH
///
Nct Prccscly Prc 125
MLRCLDLS LACKLY
Gccrgana 133
JANL LSPLNSON
Charlcttc`s Sc c[ thc Stcry 1+7
MLLISSA SLNATL
1hc Sccrct L[c c[ Mary 159
JILL WINTLRS
Lcr Pyrcn an Mss A 171
CHLRYL SAWYLR
., ,
Pridc and Prcjudicc. Wth Ccll Phcncs 1S3
MICHLLLL CUNNAH
Pcnncts an Pnglcys an Ptchcs. Oh My` 193
LRIN DAILLY
Pridc and Prcjudicc: 1hc Pcalty Shcv 199
JOYCL MILLMAN
1hc Lvclutcn c[ Lnvy 211
ALLSIA HOLLIDAY
|anc an Mc 219
KARLN JOY IOWLLR
107
, / . ,
Why |s thc Unattanablc Sc |rrcsstblc?
TLRLSA MLDLIROS TLRLSA MLDLIROS
Wl+t is it +bout l+rcv tl+t m+kcs lim sucl + sigl-inspiring lcro`
lcs +rrog+nt lcs monosvll+bic +no wlcn lcs not monosvll+bic lcs
ruoc It l+s to bc morc tl+n just lcmbcrlcv +ltlougl +s lliz+bctl
points out lcmbcrlcv is not clump cl+ngc No lcrcs+ \cociros
s+vs wl+t m+kcs l+rcv tlc gr+noo+oov ol lilncult \cn Wc lovc is
+ll tlc tlings lc is bcnc+tl tl+t uppcr-crustv cxtcrior

LVLRYONL KNOWS WHAT AMLRICAN

LVLRYONL KNOWS WHAT AMLRICAN

womcn wani-ilinncr
iligls. darlcr clocolaic and a dasling Lnglislman wlo

iligls. darlcr clocolaic and a dasling Lnglislman wlo

lools morc lilc Hugl Grani or Colin Iiril ilan Princc

lools morc lilc Hugl Grani or Colin Iiril ilan Princc

Clarlcs or Damc Ldna. Gcorgc Clooncy migli clarm

Clarlcs or Damc Ldna. Gcorgc Clooncy migli clarm

us wiil lis lcdroom cycs and casygoing manncr. lui

us wiil lis lcdroom cycs and casygoing manncr. lui

dccp in our lcaris wc ycarn lor a ouinicsscniial Lnglisl dccp in our lcaris wc ycarn lor a ouinicsscniial Lnglisl
gcni wlo will dcclarc loil lis scorn and lis lovc lor us in clippcd. up-
pcr-crusi ioncs. Hc will mocl. inluriaic and adorc us-prclcrally lrom
alar so wc woni lc allc io icll wlcn lis iccil siari going lad as Lnglisl
iccil invarially do. (In a rcccni inicrvicw. Hugl Grani conlcsscd ilai
lis wcrc alrcady siariing io go.) To aclicvc ilc iruc pinnaclc ol dcsir-
aliliiy. ilis paragon ol manlood musi lc always in our lcaris. yci lor-
cvcr oui ol our rcacl.
Iis prcciscly ilcsc oualiiics ilai malc Janc Ausicns Mr. Iiizwilliam
Darcy in Prc an Prcjucc ilc grcai-grcai-grandpappy ol all ilc darl
/ / / / / / / /
10S
and lrooding anii-lcrocs wlo would comc alicr lim. Wlcilcr cmlod-
icd ly Sir Laurcncc Olivicr in 19+0 or Colin Iiril in ilc 1995 llC pro-
duciion or Colin Iiril again as aiiorncy Marl Darcy in Prgct |cncs`s
Dary. Mr. Darcy is onc ol ilc mosi compclling romaniic claracicrs cvcr
io gracc ilc pagc. siagc or ilc scrccn.
Darcy is lrsi iniroduccd io us as ilc Simon Cowcll ol ilc Mcryion
asscmlly. Tlcrcs noi cvcn a sympailciic Paula Aldul io solicn ilc llow
or a 1-S00-numlcr io call in proicsi wlcn lc passcs ruillcss judgmcni
on Llizalcil lcnnci. dismissing lcr as iolcrallc. lui noi landsomc
cnougl io icmpi mc.` His collar is as siill as lis dcmcanor and lis aris-
iocraiic nosc is lxcd lrmly in ilc air. no douli lrcailing dccply ol ilc
rarilcd siraiosplcrc ilai can only lc covcicd ly lcsscr morials lilc Miss
lcnnci and lcr sisicrs.
Hc is proud. arrogani. insullcrallc . . . and uiicrly irrcsisiillc. Iis no
accidcni ol Ms. Ausicns clcvcr prosc ilai wc lall in lovc wiil lim long
lclorc Llizalcil docs. Alicr all. wlo could rcsisi a man wlo lcavcs ilis
lrsi imprcssion': Hc was ilc proudcsi. mosi disagrccallc man in ilc
world and cvcrylody lopcd ilai lc would ncvcr comc ilcrc again.` Hc
migli drivc a coacl-and-lour insicad ol siraddling a Harlcy. lui ilai
docsni malc lim any lcss ol a lad loy. His lclavior is impcccallc. lui
lis icmpcramcni is dcliciously dcplorallc.
Darcy lccomcs cvcn morc iniriguing wlcn comparcd io lis dcvoicd
lricnd. Mr. linglcy: linglcy was surc ol lcing lilcd wlcrcvcr lc ap-
pcarcd. Darcy was coniinually giving ollcncc.` How is ii ilai ilc ami-
allc linglcy malcs us yawn inio our ica wlilc Mr. Darcy. ilc mosi un-
lilcly ol lcrocs. siill posscsscs ilc powcr io malc us swoon ncarly iwo
lundrcd ycars alicr Janc Ausicn lrsi crcaicd lim' Arc all womcn closci
masoclisis. or do wc jusi lovc a rousing (or would ilai lc arcusng')
clallcngc'
Irom ilc iimc I was a vcry small clild Ivc lccn givcn io passion-
aic cruslcs on ilc opposiic scx. Wlcn I was six ycars old. I lcll lard
lor Kuri Russcll and lis lcguiling dimplcs in Disncys 1hc Ccmputcr
Wcrc 1cnns Shccs. Ior lvc pivoial ycars ol pulcriy Donny Osmonds
llinding smilc rcigncd suprcmc on ilc walls ol my lcdroom and in my
lcari. Darling Donny was my lrsi musc. prompiing mc io pcn Clapicr
Onc ol a rollicling piraic novcl in wlicl Sir Donald Osmond alducicd
my inircpid lcroinc in a sccnc ccrily similar io ilc lidnapping ol ilc
govcrnors dauglicr in Pratcs c[ thc Carbbcan. To incrcasc my clanccs
, / . , , / . ,
109
ol lccoming Tlc Donalds wilc and lcaring lis many iooily clildrcn.
I clcclcd ilc Pcch c[ Mcrmcn oui ol ilc local lilrary and doullcd my
visiis io ilc local orilodoniisi. Im cmlarrasscd io rcpori ilai my aliliiy
io ycarn wisilully lor a ioial sirangcr rcsurlaccd only lasi ycar wlcn I
dcvclopcd a mcdical condiiion commonly lnown in Inicrnci circlcs as
RCO (Russcll Crowc Olscssion) and downloadcd ovcr 350 ploios ol
ilc cnigmaiic acior in lcss ilan a monil.
You migli lc asling yourscll wlai Kuris dimplcs. Donnys iccil and
Russclls. wcll. cvcryiling lavc in common wiil ilc lormidallc Mr.
Darcy. Mr. Crowc ccriainly docs lavc a rcpuiaiion lor lluni spcaling.
and I lavc no douli lcd lc pcrlccily ai lomc in a Rcgcncy drawing
room dclivcring bcn mcts and dircci cuis wiil coual ruillcssncss. (Alicr
all. ilis is a man lold cnougl io pullicly criiicizc Rolcri DcNiro lor
sclling oui!) Howcvcr. iis noi lis priclly Ausiralian naiurc ilai malcs
lim a worily succcssor io Darcys manilc. lui lis clamclcon-lilc alil-
iiy io iranslorm limscll inio cvcry womans laniasy wiil cacl rolc lc
plays. Wlcilcr slauglicring larlarian lordcs in Glaatcr. rcscuing
Mcg Ryans laplcss lusland in Prcc[ c[ L[c or lcllowing oui ordcrs
in Mastcr an Ccmmancr. lc succcsslully cvolcs cmpaily wlilc siill
playing lard-io-gci wiil our ycarning lcaris.
Wcvc always lovcd our sioic. cnigmaiic lcrocs. Tlais wly so many
womcn lavc closcn Spocl ovcr Capiain Kirl ilrougl ilc ycars. Or-
lando llooms rcccni porirayal ol Lcgolas in ilc Lord ol ilc Rings llm
irilogy provolcd a similar rcaciion lrom a ncw gcncraiion ol iccnagc
girls. Hc prolally lad ilrcc lincs in ilc cniirc irilogy (and mosi ol
ilosc wcrc spolcn in Llvisl). yci ilc lcmalc sigls cvcry iimc lc ap-
pcarcd on scrccn wcrc audillc ilrougloui ilc ilcaicr. His cycs spolc
volumcs alilougl lis mouil rarcly movcd.
In a similar laslion. iis noi wlai wc hncv aloui Darcy ilai inirigucs
us lrom lis vcry lrsi appcarancc on ilc pagc. lui wlai wc cn`t lnow.
Janc Ausicn could lavc madc us privy io cvcry onc ol Darcys ilouglis
and moiivaiions long lclorc ilcy arc rcvcalcd io Llizalcil. lui slc
wiscly rcalizcd ilai a lcro sirippcd ol lis inscruiallc naiurc is also a
lcro sirippcd ol appcal.
Irom a vcry young agc. wc womcn nccd io lavc an oljcci io pcrson-
ily our laniasics. Wlcilcr iis ilai lrsi rapiurous iasic ol puppy lovc or
a ligl sclool crusl. ilc morc unaiiainallc and inacccssillc ilai oljcci.
ilc morc wc arc allc io cndow lim wiil all ol ilc oualiiics wc ilinl
/ / / / / / / /
110
wc admirc. And ly ilc iimc wcrc donc. lcs usually vcry wcll-cndowcd
indccd.
Il wcrc consisicnily lcld ai arms lcngil lrom ilc oljcci ol our dc-
sirc. wc can coniinuc io vicw lim ilrougl ilc icndcr glow ol our rosc-
colorcd glasscs. Our illusions will ncvcr lc slaiicrcd ly lcarning ilai
lc lclclcs lilc Homcr Simpson alicr downing a lccr or ilai lc always
misscs ilc lampcr and lcavcs lis diriy undcrwcar lying on ilc lcdroom
loor. Hc can rcmain cloalcd in a vcil ol mysicry. and ilus lis pcrlcciion
will ncvcr lc impcaclcd. Hc will always lc an cmpiy suii ol cloilcs pcr-
lccily iailorcd io mcci our nccds-our soulmaic wiiloui a soul.
In Mr. Darcys casc. ilai suii ol cloilcs is a pair ol lull-colorcd irou-
scrs and an impcccally iailorcd Rcgcncy iailcoai. Irom lis lrsi appcar-
ancc in Mcryion. wc long io lclicvc ilai lis icy dcmcanor lidcs a warm
and passionaic lcari. lui Ms. Ausicn insisis upon dasling our lopcs ai
cvcry iurn and ploi iwisi. Llizalcil lcrscll pronounccs lim vcry dis-
agrccallc` wlcn discussing lis claracicr wiil ilc clarming and amoral
Mr. Wicllam in Clapicr 16. and Darcy condcmns limscll in lcr cycs
as slc rccalls. I do rcmcmlcr lis loasiing onc day. ai Ncilcrlcld. ol
ilc implacaliliiy ol lis rcscnimcnis. ol lis laving an unlorgiving icm-
pcr.`
Il ilc cycs arc iruly ilc mirrors ol ilc soul. cvcn Darcys gazc is sus-
pcci. Alicr lcr marriagc io ilai olscouious ioad. Mr. Collins. Lliza-
lcils dcar lricnd Clarloiic noics ilai Mr. Darcy ccriainly loolcd ai
lcr lricnd Llizalcil] a grcai dcal. lui ilc cxprcssion ol ilai lool was
dispuiallc. Ii was an carncsi. lui sicadlasi gazc. lui slc olicn doulicd
wlcilcr ilcrc wcrc mucl admiraiion in ii. and somciimcs ii sccmcd
noiling lui alscncc ol mind.` Mr. Darcys cmpiy suii ol cloilcs is now
complcmcnicd ly an cmpiy gazc. lui iis prcciscly ilc vacancy ol ilai
gazc ilai allows us io color ii wiil all ol ilc ardor wc imaginc lc is lccl-
ing lor Llizalcil lcncail lis pcrlccily composcd cxicrior.
Ms. Ausicn and Mr. Darcy coniinuc io icasc us uniil Clapicr 35 wlcn
Darcys impassioncd lciicr io Llizalcil rcvcals lis iruc moiivaiions and
a lini ol lis iruc claracicr. Only ilcn can wc lcavc a collcciivc sigl ol
rclicl as wc lcarn ilai all ol our lopcs lor lim wcrc noi in vain.
Tlc iruc lcauiy ol Ms. Ausicns claracicrizaiion is ilai Darcy is
slowly rcvcalcd io lc cvcryiling wc drcamcd lc could lc. His laugliy
cxprcssion is simply ilc masl lc wcars io slicld lis vulncrallc lcari.
His inicniions ioward Llizalcil and lcr lamily may lc somcwlai mis-
, / . , , / . ,
111
guidcd. lui ii is noi malcvolcncc ilai inlorms ilcm. lui loyaliy io lis
dcar lricnd Mr. linglcy. Lvcn Llizalcil cani dismiss ilc lnc accouniing
ol lis claracicr givcn ly ilc lousclccpcr ai Pcmlcrlcy wlcn lc is rc-
vcalcd io lc ilouglilul. lind. good-naiurcd. a loving lroilcr. and gcn-
crous io ilosc lcss loriunaic ilan lc.` As slc gapcs ai ilc lousclccpcr
in dislclicl. you can almosi lcar couniry singcr Tim McGraw siari io
growl. I may lc a lad loy. lui laly. Im a rcal good man.`
Tlis laniasy is cvcn morc lcguiling lccausc in rcal lilc il wc mcci a guy
ai a pariy wlo sccms lilc a jcrl. lc usually iurns oui io lc . . . wcll . . . a
jcrl. Insicad ol apologizing lor misjudging lim as Llizalcil is cvcniu-
ally lorccd io do. wc cnd up giving lim a lalc plonc numlcr or ialing
oui a rcsiraining ordcr. ly ilc iimc Llizalcil and Darcy lavc conlcsscd
ilcir lovc lor onc anoilcr and carncd ilcir lappy cnding. wc arc con-
ldcni lc is lully couippcd io saiisly lcr cvcry romaniic laniasy jusi as
lc las saiislcd ours.
Our iccn idols will grow up. Our ligl sclool cruslcs will marry
ilc clccrlcadcrs wc laicd and slow up ai our iwcniicil rcunions wiil
lccr guis and lalding lcads. Our lavoriic aciors will dump ilcir young.
prciiy wivcs lor youngcr. prciiicr wivcs and wasic ycars spinning in
ilc rcvolving door ol rclal. lui wiil Mr. Darcy so pcrlccily prcscrvcd
on ilc pagc. wcll ncvcr lavc io worry ilai lis dimplcs will iurn inio
wrinllcs. ilai lcll lccomc a gamc slow losi insicad ol a piraic. or ilai
lis piciurc will lc plasicrcd all ovcr ilc ialloids alicr lc liics lis own
lodyguard in a drunlcn lrawl. (Ausiralians do ilai. you lnow.)
Tlinncr iligls and darlcr clocolaic may noi always lc wiilin our
grasp. lui ilanls io Janc Ausicn. a lrooding Lnglislman wiil an in-
scruiallc gazc and good iccil will always rcmain jusi ai our lngcriips.
lcrcs+ \cociros wrotc lcr nrst novcl +t tlc +gc ol twcntv-onc +no
l+s sincc gonc on to win tlc lc+rts ol botl rc+ocrs +no critics All
nltccn ol lcr books l+vc bccn n+tion+l bcstscllcrs climbing +s ligl
+s =12 on tlc `cw 1.r| !:mcs bcstscllcr list =20 on SA !.aav +no
=9 on Puoi:socrs \cc|iv Slc is + six-timc lIlA nn+list +no + two-timc
rccipicnt ol tlc W+locnbooks Aw+ro lor bcstsclling nction lcr ncxt
novcl A||cr \:ar:o| will bc rclc+sco bv Avon looks in Scptcmbcr
2005 You c+n visit lcr Wcb sitc +t wwwtcrcs+mcociroscom
113
, /o
LANI DIANL RICH LANI DIANL RICH
lor +nvonc wlos sccn tlc llC miniscrics ol Pr:ac ara Prciua:.c-+no
is tlcrc +nvonc rc+oing tlis book wlo l+snt`-l+rcv is lorcvcr Colin
lirtl tlc \+n in tlc l+mp lullv Slirt l+ni li+nc licl is + l+n witl
+ wc+k gr+sp on rc+litv but + strong gr+sp on wl+t m+kcs l+rcv nrtl
in lcr lc+rt

Hcy. Diary. How ya lccn'

Hcy. Diary. How ya lccn'

I rcalizc I lavcni wriiicn io you sincc ilc

I rcalizc I lavcni wriiicn io you sincc ilc

ciglil gradc. wlcn I lad ilai vcry inicnsc

ciglil gradc. wlcn I lad ilai vcry inicnsc

crusl on Andrcw lrom my music class. rcmcm- crusl on Andrcw lrom my music class. rcmcm-
lcr' And I wcni on and on an cn aloui lc said
ilis and I said ilai and lc smilcd ai mc and I wanicd io ilrow up and
docs lc lilc mc or docs lc lhc lilc mc' God. Iis amazing you didni
corporcalizc yourscll and lill mc ilcn.
Tlanl you lor ilai. ly ilc way.
Id lilc io say noi a loi las lappcncd sincc ilcn. icll you iis lccn a
loring and colorlcss lilc. lui I ilinl wc loil lnow ilais noi iruc. Im
/ / / / / / / /
11+
siaring down ilc larrcllcad ol iliriy-lour as wc spcal. I graduaicd ligl
sclool. wcni io collcgc. goi marricd. lad lids. Ivc worlcd as a nanny. a
iclcvision produccr and a pyroicclnician. (Noi in ilai ordcr.) I livcd in
Alasla lor a wlilc. Im a novclisi now. and I icacl pari-iimc ai ilc local
univcrsiiy. I doni lnow wlai lappcncd io Andrcw. I lcard lis lroilcr
was daiing a supcrmodcl lor a wlilc. ilougl.
Anyway. Im coming io you now lccausc somciling las lappcncd
io mc ilai lasni lappcncd sincc around ilc lasi iimc you saw mc. so I
ilougli Id scc il you could lclp.
I lavc a crusl. A lad onc. On a man wlo docsni cxisi. And il lc did
cxisi. lc would lavc dicd. ol. somc 150 ycars ago.
Iis all vcry complicaicd. Morc laicr.
. ^
Sorry ilcsc cnirics arc slori. My dauglicrs arc ilrcc and lvc. so I lavc
io gral ilcsc momcnis wlcn I can. Rigli now. Im wriiing ai ilc liiclcn
iallc as my youngcsi irics io asl mc a oucsiion wlilc clcwing simulia-
ncously on iwo picccs ol ioasi. Slcs inlcriicd lcr moilcrs gracc. poor
iling.
Anyway. lacl io ilc crusl. Sorry io slili gcars so lasi. lui wc loil
lnow wly wcrc lcrc. I mcan. il I wanicd io discuss ilc cxisicniial angsi
ol moilcrlood Id lc wriiing in a journal. Diarics arc lor ilc down and
diriy. ilc siull you doni wani pcoplc io cvcr lnd oui aloui you. Jour-
nals arc ilc ilings you lcavc opcn around ilc lousc. loping a liicrary
agcni will wandcr in. rcad ii and dcclarc you ilc ncxi gcnius ol your
agc.
So lcis ouii prcicnding. slall wc' Tlis crusl. I was a liiilc disloncsi
wiil you. Tlc crusl isni cxactly on Darcy. (Wc loil lncw wlo I was
ialling aloui. I mcan. comc on. Ii was ciilcr Darcy or Spilc lrom Pu[[y
and . . . olay. wcll. Im riding ilai irain. ioo. lui ilais anoilcr discussion
cniircly.)
My poini is. lilc prciiy mucl cvcry woman lciwccn ilc agcs ol lour-
iccn and dcad. I rcad Prc an Prcjucc somciimc in ilc ligl sclool
cra and lcll insianily in lovc wiil Darcy. His sircngil. His inicgriiy. His
ouiclncss io jump io ilc aid ol ilc woman lc lovcs. dclcnding lcr in
sccrci. cxpcciing noiling in rciurn lor lis lcroism and gallaniry.
, /o , /o
115
Sigl.
lui alicr I rcad Prc an Prcjucc. I rcad Lmma. and lcll in lovc wiil
Kniglilcy. Tlcn ilcrc was ilc David Addison iling. ilc Jocl Ilcisclman
iling . . . wcll. you gci ilc poini. Wlai can I say' Ivc always lad a wcal-
ncss lor lciional mcn. Nicc. larmlcss liiilc cruslcs. ly ilc iimc I lii my
mid-iwcniics. ilougl. wiil ilc cxccpiion ol ilc occasional drcam siar-
ring Joln Cusacl. ilcy ccascd. Id lnally goiicn jadcd cnougl ly lilc io
undcrsiand ilai rcal mcn didni lclavc ilai way and ncvcr would. And
I was olay wiil ilai lccausc lciional mcn didni. . . .
Wcll. lcis jusi say rcal mcn lavc ilcir advaniagcs. ioo.
And ilcn. ii lappcncd. You lnow wlai Im ialling aloui. Youvc
lccn dormani and lilclcss. gailcring dusi lor iwcniy-onc ycars. and
cvcn you lnow wlai Im ialling aloui.
Tlc llC adapiaiion ol Prc an Prcjucc.
Oops. Goiia run. lalys siullng ioasi up lcr nosc.
. ^
Tlc Husland is ialing carc ol ilc girls wlilc I wriic. Hc ilinls Im
worling on my lool. And I slould lc worling on my lool. Insicad.
Im siiiing in my ollcc. waicling Prc an Prcjucc on ilc DVD playcr
on my compuicr wiil my lcadploncs on.
Isni ilai onc ol ilc signs you lavc a prollcm' Lying io your lovcd
oncs' Alicring your lilc io worl around your addiciion' Siaying up un-
iil iwo in ilc morning loolmarling lan siics on your Inicrnci lrowscr'
lui Im gciiing alcad ol myscll. I slould siari wlcrc ii all siaricd . . . wiil
my moilcr-in-law.
Doni gci mc wrong: I adorc my moilcr-in-law. Slcs smari and lunny.
and wlcn I comc io visii slc ialcs my clildrcn and givcs mc winc. I
only llamc lcr lccausc iis all lcr lauli: slc was ilc lrsi io icll mc ilai
I nccdcd io waicl ilc llC vcrsion ol Prc an Prcjucc.
Darcy.` slc said. pusling a winc glass inio my land. Jusi ilc onc
word. spcaling volumcs. And I ilougli I undcrsiood. Alicr all. Id rcad
ilc lool. Id lallcn in lovc wiil Darcy. ioo. So I noddcd lnowingly.
Ycal.` I said. I lcar ya.`
No.` slc said. puiiing lcr land on my arm. lcr lluc cycs dcadly
scrious as slc drovc lcr poini lomc. Darcy.`
/ / / / / / / /
116
Tlcn my iwo sisicrs-in-law joincd in. Darcy.` ilcy said. and swooncd.
lui ilcy wcrc iccnagcrs. Tlcy swooncd ovcr ilc pizza dclivcry guy.
Tlc lnal siraws wcrc my iwo lcsi lricnds. Monica and Wanda. Tlcy
wcrc oldcr. wiscr and cvcn morc jadcd ilan mc. Tlcy ncvcr swooncd. ncvcr swooncd. ncvcr
Darcy.` ilcy said. in unison. Monica piclcd up a manila loldcr and
lanncd lcrscll.
Darcy.` Wanda rcpcaicd. lcr dccp souilcrn ioncs iingcd wiil a
waniing so lonc-dccp ilai I lcgan io suspcci I migli lc missing somc-
iling.
So. Iinc. I rcnicd Prc an Prcjucc. grumlling. I lavc iwo young
lids. a lusland. a jol. Lilc I lavc iimc io sii around lor six lours
and waicl pcoplc linc dancc 1S00s-siylc wlilc iclling a siory I lnow
ly lcari alrcady. And wlai could possilly lc so grcai aloui ilis guy.
anyway'` And ilcn Darcy proposcd io Llizalcil and lc was awlward
and ncrvous and so olviously in lovc and ilosc cycs. chmygc ilosc
cycs. . . .
I swooncd. I was ovcr iliriy ai ilc iimc. and I was swooning. lor
Clrisis salc.
I lougli ilc DVD sci ilc ncxi day.
. ^
Iis lour in ilc morning. I cani slccp. Howcvcr. as a worling wilc and
moilcr. ilis is ilc only iimc in ilc day wlcn I can aciually gci a mo-
mcni io myscll. so I camc oui io ilc living room and iurncd on Iox
Ncws lor 3.5 scconds so I could lccl lilc a rcasonallc aduli pcrson wiil
rcasonallc aduli conccrns.
Tlcn I poppcd in my Prc an Prcjucc DVD.
Ol. slui up. I lnow iis pailciic. Do I ai lcasi gci poinis lor lnowing'
Anyway. I ilinl iis iimc io lnisl ilis siory. and gci io ilc rcason wly.
alicr ovcr iwcniy ycars ol no coniaci. Im suddcnly loilcring you ai all
lours ol ilc day and nigli.
Wlcrc was I' Ol. Ycs. I waiclcd Prc an Prcjucc. I swooncd. lui
ilc lnal nail in ilc colln coniaining my own pridc was wlcn Darcy
lound Llizalcil alicr slc goi ilc lciicr lrom Janc iclling ol ilc lorrillc
ilings Lydia lad donc io disgracc ilcir lamily. ilus maling ii impos-
sillc lor any rcspcciallc man io marry any ol ilc lcnnci sisicrs. and
, /o , /o
117
you can icll ilai lis lcari is lrcaling lor lcr and lc docsni lnow wlai
io do and . . .
Jcsus. Im swooning now. jusi wriiing io you aloui ii. Gal.
So. anyway. I swooncd. Inc. Tlai pari docsni loilcr mc. Too mucl.
Wlai loilcrs mc is wlai Im doing now.
Ol. God. Tlc lvc-ycar-old is dcmanding wallcs. Iis lvc in ilc morn-
ing. Wlai lind ol pcrson gcis up ai lvc in ilc morning wlcn ilcyrc
noi gciiing on a planc' Tccnagcrs slccp uniil noon. doni ilcy' Jusi
cigli morc ycars . . .
^^ ^
His namc is Colin Iiril. Im in my ollcc ai ilc univcrsiiy. and I lavc io
siari my class soon. so I doni wani io wasic any morc ol your iimc or
minc. Tlc lrsi sicp io rccovcry is admission. rigli'
Colin Iiril. I lavc a crusl on a cclclriiy. and lis namc is Colin Iiril.
Tlcrc. Ivc said ii. And yourc ilinling. wlais ilc lig dcal. rigli' Lois
ol pcrlccily smari. scnsillc womcn lavc liiilc cruslcs.
Wcll. lci mc lnisl my siory.
Alicr waicling Colin as Darcy. I lccamc a liiilc olscsscd. I loolcd
lim up on IMDl.com. I visiicd lan Wcl siics. I rcad ariiclcs. I wroic
an cniirc novcl using lim as ilc inspiraiion lor ilc lovc inicrcsi. In ilc
lrsi drali. ilc claracicrs namc was cvcn Colin: ilais low iransparcni
I was.
Iis all so cmlarrassing. Im a rclaiivcly iniclligcni. wcll-groundcd
woman in my iliriics. Im marricd io a gorgcous man. I lavc iwo lcau-
iilul dauglicrs. Im lappy wiil myscll and saiislcd wiil my lilc. I lnow
ilai my allcciion is lull laniasy. ilai I doni lnow Colin Iiril in ilc
lcasi. ilai Im projcciing onio ilis man cvcryiling I wani io lclicvc
lim io lc. cvcryiling Darcy is. railcr ilan laving any idca aloui wlo
lc is.
I. Doni. Know. Him.
And yci' I ilinl I lovc lim.
God. Tlis lind ol iling docsni lappcn io mc.
lui ii las. And now comcs ilc iruc conlcssion. ilc rcason Ivc craclcd
your spinc oncc again alicr all ilcsc ycars io pour oui cvcryiling aloui
mc and ilis laniasy Ivc projccicd onio a man I doni cvcn lnow.
/ / / / / / / /
11S
Ivc lccn aslcd io coniriluic io an anilology aloui Prc an Prcju-
cc. Im vcry laiicrcd ilai ilcy would cvcn asl mc. and I lovc ilc nov-
cl. and ilcrc arc a million smari. iniclligcni ilings I could iall aloui.
Im ilinling aloui doing my cssay on ilc inlucncc ol Ausicn on posi-
modcrn romaniic liicrary lcrocs as poriraycd in llm.
Tlc rcally cmlarrassing pari' Tlc rcason Im conlcssing'
I doni givc a crap aloui ilc inlucncc ol Ausicn on posimodcrn ro-
maniic liicrary lcrocs as poriraycd in llm. Im using ilc anilology as
an cxcusc io luy cvcry Colin Iiril movic I can gci my lands on and
ialc ii oll on my iaxcs.
I ilinl I migli nccd lclp.
.o/ ^
Wcll. Ivc waiclcd ilcm all. Lvcry Colin Iiril movic I could gci my
lands on. including ilc onc wlcrc lc playcd a lawycr dclcnding a pig.
Tlc Husland. noi iypically ilc jcalous iypc. las ialcn io calling Colin
ilai poncy lriiisl poolicr.` wlicl I ilinl is unlair: any idioi can scc
ilai Colin is ilc pinnaclc ol manlood.
lui ilais noi wlcrc I was going wiil ilis. Tlc Husland and I will
arguc ilai ionigli. No. wlai I wanicd io rcpori was ilai ilrougl my
cxicnsivc rcscarcl. I lavc discovcrcd somciling.
Wlilc Colin is an incrcdillc claracicr acior and docs a grcai llus-
icring villain. ii is only ilc Darcy or Darcy-lilc rolcs ilai arc rcally
swoon-worily. Wlicl lcavcs mc io wondcr. wlai is ii aloui Colin Iiril
playing Darcy ilai crcaics ilis cllcci' Alilougl ilc oilcrs wlo lavc
playcd Darcy lavc donc prciiy wcll-Laurcncc Olivicr musi lc givcn
lis props-no onc las crcaicd ilc adolcsccni-rcminisccni lcrvor ilai
Colin las. Wly is ilis' Wlai is ii aloui ilis pariicular man in ilis par-
iicular rolc ilai is so poicni'
Ill lnisl ilai ilougli laicr. I lavc io organizc all ilcsc rcccipis lor
my iax llcs. and iry and wriic a rcspcciallc cssay. Wisl mc lucl!
.o/ ^. ^
Tlc dcadlinc lor ilis cssay is lasi approacling. and ilc only iling Ivc
wriiicn so lar is. Hcmma lcmma. wlai a loiiic.` Jusi a gucss. lui Id
, /o , /o
119
say as lar as rcspcctablc opcning scnicnccs go. ilai onc ranls prciiy
low.
In ilc pasi wccl. Ivc waiclcd Colin play Darcy no lcss ilan iwclvc
iimcs and lavcni cvcn opcncd ilc paclaging on ilc oilcr vcrsions I
goi lor ilc cssay. Il ii lclps miiigaic ilai cmlarrassing admission ai all.
I lasi-lorwardcd ilrougl all non-Iiril sccncs. Ol coursc. Tlc Husland
las siaricd using morc crcaiivc languagc wlcn spcaling ol Colin. lui
was sliglily assuagcd wlcn I suggcsicd wc usc ilc moncy lrom ilc cs-
say io luy a ncw clcciric drill sci. Howcvcr. oncc ilc ariiclc is landcd
in. I ilinl lcs going io cxpcci mc io siop waicling ilc DVDs.
And Im noi surc I can.
Anyway. ii occurrcd io mc ilai ly isolaiing ilc spccilc ilings ilai
causc all ilc swoonagc. I migli possilly lc allc io ilinl a liiilc morc
raiionally aloui ilis wlolc siiuaiion. And lcy. wlo lnows. maylc somc
ol ii will lc usclul in ilc cssay. So lcrcs wlai ii loils down io. ilc cs-
scncc ilai malcs Colin Iiril as Darcy a morc poicni swoon clixir ilan
Darcy alonc. or Iiril alonc.
1hc acccnt. Tlis may noi lc sucl a lig dcal io lriiisl womcn. wlo I
imaginc arc prciiy immunc io ilc wlolc lriiisl acccni iling. lui lor a
ccriain laciion ol Amcrican womcn. ilc acccni is swoon-worily on iis
own. I will conlcss ilai ilc Darcy acccni I concocicd in my lcad wlilc
rcading Prc an Prcjucc lor ilc lrsi iimc was a lugc coniriluior io
my lciional man crusl. lui Iirils sandpapcr voicc solicncd ly ilc cl-
cgani spcccl incrcascs ilc swoon-lacior considcrally.
1hc cycs. Ausicn didni wasic a wlolc loi ol iimc ialling aloui Dar-
cys cycs. so ilc grcaicr pari ol ilc swoon-worilincss ol ilc cycs lc-
longs cniircly io Colin. Tlcrcs a smoldcring oualiiy in cvcry lool lc
givcs Llizalcil lcnnci ilai could mcli ilc wliic coiion paniics oll a
ninciy-ycar-old scloolmarm. (Noic io scll: Iind a morc dignilcd way
io cxprcss ilai scniimcni in ilc aciual ariiclc. Doni wani ilcsc pcoplc
ilinling yourc a ioial idioi. Pariial idioi will do jusi lnc.)
1hc ancng. I doni llamc mcn wlo doni dancc: iis almosi impos-
sillc io dancc wcll and siill lc manly. (Dcncy Tcrrio. anyonc') Tlc
danccs ol ilc Ausicn cra. wiil all ilc iwirling and ilc sidcsicpping
and ilc ducling-slasl-walling undcr arm lridgcs. wcrc pariicularly
cmasculaiing. lui Colin. wiil lis sligli awlwardncss and ioial locus
on Llizalcil. malcs Darcy sccm noi only sullcicnily masculinc wlilc
dancing. lui damncd scxy.
/ / / / / / / /
120
1hc lahc sccnc. Ii is a iruil univcrsally aclnowlcdgcd ilai any woman
waicling ilc llC vcrsion ol Prc an Prcjucc will swoon upon scc-
ing ilc lalc sccnc. Tlc lalc sccnc was noi in ilc original icxi. and no
onc rcally lnows wlai gcnius dccidcd io pui ii in ilc llC vcrsion-Im
gucssing ilc dirccior-lui damn. iis inspircd. Wci Colin. insirucicd io
play ilc sccnc as ilougl lc lad an crcciion. Null said.
1hc passcn. How is a movic wiil only onc clasic liss ai ilc vcry
cnd so passionaic' I cani ouiic pui my lngcr on ii. Pcrlaps lccausc
Colin appcars io lc mcnially undrcssing Lizzy during cvcry sccnc ilcy
lavc iogcilcr' Pcrlaps lccausc wlcncvcr lc landlcs anyiling lc sori
ol . . . londlcs . . . ilc oljcci' Pcrlaps lc was insirucicd io play ilc cniirc
movic as ilougl lc lad an crcciion' I doni lnow. Iis a marvclous
mysicry.
1hc tght pants. Scc alovc rc: ilc lalc sccnc.
Hc gccs [cr thc smart grl. Olay. lcis lacc ii. ilc acircss wlo plays
Llizalcil lcnnci is a lnocloui and any man would wani lcr on lrsi
sigli. lui Darcy docsni: lc docsni cvcn rcalizc low cool slc is uniil
lc sccs lcr iniclligcncc. wii and inicgriiy. Tlais wlai malcs lcr lcauii-
lul io lim. Tlis is ilc way Ausicn wroic ii. ilis is ilc way I rcad ii and
damncd il Colin docsni lii ilai nail on ilc lcad.
1hc ntcrprctatcn. I ilinl ilc lnal clcmcni ilai malcs ilis pariicu-
lar Darcy porirayal iurn oilcrwisc iniclligcni and groundcd womcn inio
paniing adolcsccnis is ilc laci ilai Colin lrings io lilc ilc sulicxi wc all
rcad inio Prc an Prcjucc: lis vulncraliliiy. Laccd undcrncail Colins
pcrlormancc is a sulilc insccuriiy ilai malcs lis lclavior. alilougl dcl-
niicly noi admirallc. ai lcasi undcrsiandallc. Tlai scis ilc siagc lor io-
ial lorgivcncss oncc wc scc wlai lc docs lor Llizalcil. wiil no lopc ol
winning lcr allcciion. jusi purcly lccausc lc lovcs lcr and cani siand
io scc lcr in pain. Wiil ilis clcmcni. Colin las scalcd ilc dcal. Hc las
givcn us wlai wc always lncw was ilcrc. ilc laniasy man wlo isni wlai
lc sccms. wlo is dccpcr ilan wc ilinl. wlo surpriscs us. Wlo lovcs us
cvcn ilougl wc rcjccicd lim. Wlo givcs us a sccond clancc. In a world
wlcrc mosi womcn would lc ilrillcd jusi io lavc a man wlo will ialc
oui ilc garlagc wiiloui cxpcciing us io ilrow a paradc in rcsponsc. Co-
lin Iiril as Darcy is ilc uliimaic laniasy man. Hc smoldcrs. lc pincs. lc
ialcs aciion wiil no ilougli ol rcward. Hc simply . . . lovcs. (Noic io scll:
Noi lad. Maylc sprucc ilai up and usc ii in ilc cssay. You migli almosi
sound lilc you lnow wlai yourc ialling aloui.)
, /o , /o
121
.o/ ^ ^
Im oll io couplcs ilcrapy wiil Tlc Husland. Im in lovc wiil a lciional
man. and lcs ilrcaicncd ly onc. Wlai a pair. lui. lonus. ilc policc
doni comc io our lomc io lrcal up drunlcn lsilglis. so ilc ilcrapisi
says wcrc lcad and slouldcrs alovc many ol lcr oilcr clicnis. I lilc
lcr. alilougl Im noi surc iis appropriaic lor lcr io say ilai. Malcs mc
worry ilai slcs using mc io malc lcr oilcr clicnis lccl lciicr aloui
ilcmsclvcs.
So. you wcni alicr your lusland wiil a lnilc. lig wloop. Ivc goi a
clicni wlos laving an cmoiional allair wiil a lciional dcad guy and ilc
acior wlo plays lim.` (Maling iwirly-lngcr gcsiurc lcsidc lcr lcad.)
lui. wlai ilc lcy. Tlc Huslands company is paying lor ilc counscl-
ing. and ii prolally cani luri.
Anyway. I iold ilc ilcrapisi aloui you. Diary. and slc said I nccd io
lurn you as pari ol my symlolic rclcasc ol ilis pcriod ol my lilc. llal
llal llal. Doni lrcal oui. Im noi going io lurn you. Im jusi going io
rip ilcsc pagcs oui and siull ilcm in an cnvclopc and scal ii and wriic
1999 Tax Rcccipis` on ii io guaranicc ilai Tlc Husland will ncvcr
ioucl ilcm.
Anyway . . . ilanls lor lciiing mc pour oui my lcari io you. Again. Ill
lci you lnow il I cvcr lnd oui wlai lappcncd io Andrcw lrom ciglil
gradc music class.
---
DATL: Augusi 1. 2005
IROM: Lani Dianc Ricl
TO: Jcnnilcr Crusic
RL: Liiilc misialc
Hcy. Jcnny! I jusi wanicd io icll you wlai a grcai jol you did cdii-
ing ilc Prc an Prcjucc anilology. I mcan. I lavcni sccn ilc l-
nal vcrsion yci. ol coursc. lui you . . . yourc so good ai cvcryiling.
Rcally. Jusi supcr-spcciacular. And Im noi jusi saying ilai.
Um . . . you lavcni gonc io prcss yci. lavc you'
Tlc rcason I asl is ilai I ilinl ilcrcs lccn a liiilc iisy liisy
misialc. Ivc rcccnily lccn ilc viciim ol a lrcal audii. and wlilc
going ilrougl my papcrs I discovcrcd ilai I may lavc accidcnially
/ / / / / / / /
122
scni you somc pagcs lrom my pcrsonal journal as opposcd io ilc
cssay I wroic and prcparcd lor you. I lopc ilai you will acccpi my
apology. rciurn io mc ilc pagcs I scni. and pullisl ilc cncloscd
cssay. Tlc Inlucncc ol Ausicn on Posimodcrn Romaniic Liicrary
Hcrocs. as Poriraycd in Iilm.` in ilc lool.
And il wc could ncvcr spcal ol ilis again. ilai would lc supcr.
Tlanls!
-Lani
---
l+ni li+nc licl is +n +utlor collcgc instructor motlcr ol two
+no somctling clsc but slc c+nt rcmcmbcr Slc livcs in upst+tc
Ncw York wlcrc slc is currcntlv +t work on lcr ncxt novcl wlicl
is +bout somctling Slc c+nt rcmcmbcr lut itll bc +t vour loc+l
bookstorc soon look lor it Slcs prcttv surc its + gooo onc You c+n
nno lcr +t wwwl+nioi+ncriclcom