DEAR JOHN by Steve Somkin Rena, a young woman, is seated at a table writing to her ex-lover, John. A small pile of crumpled letters is on the floor by her feet. She crumples the letter she is working on and throws it on the ple. She takes a Portable tape recorder from a drawer and starts it Rena {Into microphone} Dear John. Of course | know, Edward, that your name is not John, but this is a Dear John letter. I never want to see you again— | guess you got that message when | threw your clothes into the hall—but | must tell you something. It's some- what embarrassing ...| hope it's as unpleasant for you as it was for me. We two knew how to share pain, : didn't we, my darling? Let's do it one last time. (Rena stops the machine for a moment and then restarts it.) 1am composing this letter talking into a tape re- corder. | cannot put my words directly onto paper; on paper they look like translations from a foreign lan- guage, grammatical exercises, contrived and stupid and without feeling. | do wish | were looking into your eyes, or whispering in your ear, holding you close tome in our bed . .. but I never want to see you againEdward, John, rather, remember how we itched and scratched during the last week together? Remember you said, "People who bitch together itch together?” twas crabs. My doctor caught one of the little things and gave me a special medicated shampoo to get rid of ‘them. You must get treated too. If you don't, God knows how many women will scratch away at their crotches ... needlessly. | don't resent your wanting other women; that's natural, | suppose... . crabs. Cancer the Crab. Our relationship was like a malig- nant cancer ...When I'm lonely . .. What a stupid, stupid letter. He's over. He's finished. (Rena has stopped the machine and now restarts it) Dear Edward, comma. | am writing to inform you that in all probability you have a minor venereal infec- tion called crab lice, full stop. This is easily treated with a medication you can get from your doctor or an ‘emergency room, full stop. It is advisable that you inform anyone with whom you have had sexual con- tact of the same, full stop. In all probability, Eileen is also infected, Full stop. Eileen... Dear Shithead, Eileen and her erotic acrobatics is the perfect solution to your adolescent yearnings. I'm ashamed | tolerated you for so long. By the way, you hhave a serious venereal disease that, unless treated, will render you impotent for life. It's probably too late already, but with immediate medical attention(Rena is fighting her tears. ) | would telephone to tell you, but | can't bear the sound of your voice (Rena slams off the machine. ) What's the matter with me? It's over. It's over. It's over. (Slowly and deliberately she starts the machine.) Dear Edward, | wonder, are there any emotions in my life that | will not first have tasted while living with you? Trying to forget you is like trying to deny my heart a place in my head. | regret that the end was so ugly. Perhaps it was the only way; perhaps at a dis- ‘tance, the good times will seem better for the contrast. Edward, you radiate success. | now know | need a man for whom I'm not just an accessory. | think ‘that says it. Sincerely yours, Rena. P.S. Check with your doctor about the itching, it's not serious. (Rena heaves a sigh of relief and blows her nose. ) Good-bye, Eddie.