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com • eBOOK
 Lesbian
Experience
B8BBI
Loneliness
(true) story & art
Nagata Kabi
Chapter 1: The Beginning
5
*Doujinshi are creator-owned comics and books, similar to fanzines-but generally much more professionally printed, 5
thanks to a proliferation of cheap printing services in Japan. The word is used by English audiences almost exclusively
for fancomics, often with a romantic or sexual take on an existing series.
 It's a In order to In And Why did 1
story be a grown¬ order how suddenly
ten years up,! was to live did it muster
In the after some as go? up the
making. sort of myself... courage
"sweet to call an
nectar" escort
that's agency?
supposed
to come
with
adulthood.
 I remember
...a when this
decade
ago.

p§<
1 graduated
from high Wa Ja^'\
school—
and that wl
peaceful, /
pleasant
life. 1 //£ ..*=JM
nJ Sillr *fm a
ESP Mtom1%
* ijJmm
10
EXCUSE
ME/
12
 EAsr TO oWPERSrtVP
,
You can
see its
the cause is
PAti*l(C>uM/W) 1-1 Putting the
invisible pain
very clear. in my heart into
Creating and words was a
seeing the process that
dummy pain took time and
calms you down. effort, and
You feel better more than
right away. that...

13
 But I had no
choice in the matter.
R desire to eat would
suddenly take over
my brain, so powerful
that it almost
drove me mad.
I could do nothing in
that state of binge
eating, which was a
serious problem.
I tOULPfJT LEAv/E THE REGISTER.

14
15
 \\ ^\\ ~

Even now,
ten years later,
I'm still held prisoner
by the thought of what
I'll do if I desperately
want to run away,
but can't leave
my post.

16
17
18
19
20
 ...was also
required to
enjoy food,
to keep yourself
neat and tidy,
and to mutually
respect people.
But at the time,
I didn't
know that.

1 ran out
So of the house
eventually, because I'd had
I went all 1 could take
home. from my parents.
But 1 actually
had no choice
but to rely
on them.

It was
pathetic.
I hadn't
thought
I was so
helpless.
I was
disappointed
In myself.

21
 Each and every
day was hard.
But I'd think Twenty-four hours
about the without a moment
many merits of respite.
of being No matter how
dead over WHRT'S 1 looked at it,
being alive— THE BEST dying was an
WHY TO easier option.
JUST PIE?

22
Chapter 2: Prequel

24
25
26
27
28
 ...are related to
when I'm trying
to make myself
look cjood due to
an inferiority
complex,
or when I don't
understand how
I actually feel.

29
30
31
 , C tv (
f^/J V) )
fcr? ^ (
...that
1 couldn't i<*\
0 )
0 He was
flnJjA A 1 3
hold back Ls
my tears. just so
1 ended up o- nice...
bawling.
0^

32
33
34
35
 i|j l ilL
The truth He
didn't probably
matter— really
it just felt meant it,
okay to and 1 was
completely
aim
believe
in that.
Jr moment.

36
37
 ...it was
different
from the
discomfort
of trying to
make myself
look better—
or the pain
of not
understanding
how I really felt.

38
 It was
nice a wall I felt bad,
grew between and that
my friends made it
and me, hard for
and I spent me to see
several years them.
not seeing
anyone.

39
40
41
42
43
44
 The book also said,
"The child may find
the contact sexually
arousing. Refuse and
make the child stop/7
(That was in the
case of a son and
his mother, though.)
a

45
 f P HOW'S
S>y
J Mb Find 1 was

6
1 wondered
so happy
If 1 still had
desires when my
mom would
from when look at my
1 was a butt or
baby. touch it.

-zs- \\( J

1 mean,
...maybe isn't there some
the desire part of sexual
to devour desire that
boobs resembles a
was a ___ baby's desire?
regression. 1 didn't know,
^ IS but...

But 1 wanted I'll just

something more,
like the general
concept of a mother—
a presence that
would accept me,
wflr^ say this:
a "mother"
might be the
person who
takes care
which is something
everyone wants.
wJli, , A of the house.

46
 1 saw
On (ygy' And at the
end of the
article,
there was a

wL
a lot of
note that
people other people
agreeing out there
on Twitter.
thought the
•• same Thing...

47
T ti&lf \fv2j0J_
nSsn
YOUNGER AH ^ o V i /
1 PER|ON

) BETTER/ ^ A H-H r £

/
\

/
\
A
)

AH
BUT IPO GET THE
PART ABOUT THE
ACHING HOLE IN
YOUR HEART, AND
HOW ONLY THE
EMBRACE OF AN
OLDER WOMAN
WILL FIX IT/
(HAA^X'' !
W
A A\f /
(^VV(
/ NAl(,
Ilf
A(A -AX-* | jQl
. '! //

A
r \ \ H
A /Z%\ \L2
|
Jy^XH
'' u /
A
A
-

I'M
SORRYC?)/
1 GUESS
1 MIGHT BE
DIFFERENT,
AFTER ALL/

RRRRRR!
~
“

/-v
|
LIKE THE IDEAL
^ / IT WERE \ HX 0 /v H/HX/■\ 1 CONCEPT
OF A MOTHER
/ OUT
S THERE THAT
SOME- 1 / EVERYONE
H WHERE// K WANTS...

Z J A/ A/, //.Tin,;'''' k-AH

Did that
mean that Wanting
1 was looking a young
for the (child-bearing age)
relationship woman who
1 had with my would give me
mother as something
a baby? motherly...

48
 When I was nineteen,
I'd be behind the register,
thinking anyone would
do, for just two seconds
of it--or one second.
I only wanted someone
to hold me.

49
50
51
 Recently, I read an article online
that described feelings of
confusion teenage girls have
the first time they try sex.
That sometimes all the girl
really wanted was an embrace,
cuddling up in bed,
or even just a nice meal.

In the pursuit
of that comfort,
some people even
end up hurting
themselves mentally
and physically,
like clinging to bad
sexual relationships.

52
53
54
 Because
That was I couldn't love
why I didn't myself,
know what no matter my
I wanted thought process,
to do, I'd always treat
and why I'd myself and my
ended up accomplishments
unable to like they were crap.
think at all.

55
 It was all
because that
wasn't what
they wanted.
The me who wanted
their approval—
who was making
me do all this
work-had
totally missed
the mark...

56
 I wanted
to know
my true
should feelings.
know
them.

Rt the time,
I wasn't after all
the nuts and bolts—
I wanted to know
the big things,
the stuff I tried to hide
so no one could see.

57
58
59
60
 Chapter 3: Before the Appointment

•About $250-$300 U.S. Dollars.

62
63
64
 “1 1—
=
Sol
= could go I—'
anywhere
1 wanted
in this

L
bigger
world.
r
J i i
65
66
67
 It was
But I stupid
couldn't how much
deny it that stuff
anymore. filled up
my head.

68
70
71
72
73
74
75
 'if
jiijl! 7 1 iS^L^^wr*~
M-My r! ..~
/I f A FRIEND'S ~ S fLfind that
iMillLJ HERE- —^ the e6Cort
1 SHE NEEDS \ -s \y__ iJgsam came to my
W THE BHTH, U== house, even
J BUT, UH, QJ n a though she
1 made II SHE'LL N ^ JJ wasn't
SSZL JfH
some 1 <30 HOME Jl
sooN-
, - IIJL
gffifMgt
—~-|pWM supposed
to.
fk yf/ m
_ liiir JlF /#1

76
77
 Chapter 4: The Big Day

( WISHIHHP \ ( /rVll I'd

/ SOMETHING \ ( =-/k basically
already
FEMININE. 0 O VrVXT1 v /—>

l y /V/W\ 0
decided
what to
wear.

m \\

79
80
81
 Even
though
I'd left early,
I only arrived
about ten
minutes
before the
appointment.

82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
93
94
 It was as if
I couldn't play
catch or speak
English, but I was
suddenly taking
on a Major League
baseball team.

I had
jumped
Like over a huge
I'd gone swath
straight of things
to the you're
tournament supposed to
finals. experience in
human
relationships.

95
96
98
99
100
101
103
104
105
106
107
 o
The experience
probably
would've been
a disaster
without
a woman
like her.

‘About $190 US
LI

Despite
my behavior,
She she was nice
walked through the
me to verylast
the second.
station.

108
109
 Chapter 5: Sequel

I Hadn't
licked Her
ears back--
not even
once.

ill
112
113
 For
twenty-eight
years,
And now I'a fought
I'd finally against a
moved over value system
to the that
"done it" emphasized
column. sexual
experience.
 Now that my
eyes were open,
I discovered all the
things trying to tell
mellow sex was.

115
 Along with
diagrams ...there
that showed were
diagrams
the hole that witn the
allowed
menstrual entrance.
blood
through.

At any rate,
there were
too many
explanations
about the
hymen.

I HAP (^SOLUTBY Slo IOIcm/LEPGE OF Mf cWti $OP/!!

116
 Rnd now that
I think about it
with a clear head,
the erotic doujinshi
I'd used as
reference had been
man x man—
so of course
things wouldn't
end up like that.

Had I been
seeking Had I
something actually
I could never been looking
get with my for the
body? eroticism
Something of the
that didn't yaoi-hole
even exist fantasy?
in reality? <rn JfF

Since I'd
resisted
thinking about
sexual things,
maybe boy xtoy
had been the
only erotica
I'd been able
to accept.

117
 But maybe
it had Had an I didn't
effect on me think: I'd
as my only point been that
of reference, influenced
and that had led by those
to hurting works.
my partner.

It's weird The problem

to learn about was that
your own life I didn't know
and bodily anything
other than
functions
through the sex
in that
nothing out kind of
fantasy.
fiction.

118
119
 Since the
meetings were
after they'd already
read my personal
Cand admittedly
embarrassing;
manga,
the Interactions
felt fun and easy.

122
nm\ r-n. ! j—mm
| ^ l Leaving
W': I'd worried
me with about being
, , "no choice unable to
j /fit | |^g
but to die/'
I'd
ftni j| create

fM
anything
r 'in once felt. interesting.
l||
-m il
nrriT77T\ imi —

iiiiiii iii filllli y3r\ (111111 fliiiiiimmiiiiiir

123
 Imagine
this as a
Japanese
television
morning drama:
cheerful
background
music playing
as the
protagonist's
future
opens up.

Death-
an option
I'd considered
in the ten
years since
high school—
was put on
hold for the
very first time.

124
125
 ...my __ The last
sweet
nectar had /Vy^
<7yl±W*^jSItfv k
_LSs^*\ 1 My
i\ time
I'd lived
been my a proper
friends life, In my
and their high school
compliments. days...

CM
I'd thought
the only way
to be fulfilled
was to go
bach to
having
friends
like that.

But I'd
found
anew
sweet
nectar.

126
 By the way~
"being lazy"
and '1561119
unable to try"
might look
the same,
but they're
not.

[ QBhJG, LA^P\

Being lazy is
I think that when you don't
starving for
a sweet nectar take your work
or other people
you can't drink— seriously,
being unable and you don't
to try—
try even when
is because you're drinking
you can't love
the sweet
yourself. nectar.

128
 That's
totally different
from what you
need to live your
own life. I had to
study and learn
about this.

Which Lately,
is why I've realized
I haven't that drawing
been able my creative
to draw fiction is way more
erotica— embarrassing
but why than drawing
I did draw personal thoughts
this story. and actions.

129
130
 I also recently
realized that becoming
HAS A FAMILY.
the adult my parents
wanted me to be
was on an entirely
Poihc. whAt i waht different path
TO V>0 Aa/P HAYlrJC? from becoming the
that ACCEPTS? &Y
SOCIETY. adult / wanted to be—
and it had always
(WotJT rJECESSARJLY
been that way.
hlAYE stable 1HC0ME)

131
 Unable to deal
with the Hassle,
I cracked and
made the
appointment
with the address
I use for work
Ceven though I
could've used
my pen name).

134
135
136
 By the way,
our room was
so different
from the picture
on the touch
panel that we
were baffled.

137
v\v "/ I'M I wanted
\ % C* RINSING to wash
• \ NOW, her like
~~ OKfly~? she'd
washed
me.

138
139
140
141
142
\ Every time
I see the
words
"amateur
virgin/'
it's a shot
to the
heart.
SOAlEohJE '
 SEVEN SEAS ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS
My Lesbian Experience
with Loneliness
(true) story & art by NAGATA KABI

TRANSLATION Sabishisugite Rezu Fuzoku ni ikimashita repo

Jocelyne Allen ©Kabi Nagata2016
Originally published in Japan in 2016 by EAST PRESS, Tokyo,
ADAPTATION
English translation rights arranged with EAST PRESS, Tokyo,
Lianne Sentar through TOHAN CORPORATION, Tokyo.
LETTERING AND LAYOUT
No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without
Karis Page
written permission from the copyright holders. This is a work of fiction. Names,
COVER DESIGN characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author's imagination
Nicky Lim or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons,
living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
PROOFREADER
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business use. Please contact your local bookseller or the Macmillan Corporate
I ASSISTANT EDITOR
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PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Seven Seas and the Seven Seas logo are trademarks of
CK Russell
Seven Seas Entertainment, LLC. All rights reserved.
PRODUCTION MANAGER
|SLissa Pattillo ISBN: 978-1-626926-03-5

'editor-in-chief Printed in Canada

Adam Arnold First Printing: June 2017

lj|§ PUBLISHER 10 987654321

Jason DeAngelis

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gomanga.com • eBOOK
 28 years old.
No confidence.
No direction.
Never had sex...

The candid tell-all of a young woman’s

struggles with depression and sexuality
that has taken the internet by storm!

Seven Seas Entertainment, LLC.

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