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    57 views85 pages

    Untitled

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    Iris Touliatou

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    © All Rights Reserved
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    DON'T LET ME BE LONELY ‘Ao by Claudia Rankine DON'T LET ME BE LONELY ‘he Ba of te Apa ‘An American Lyric Nothing in Nature Is Private CCoeditor with Juana Spat: ‘American Wornen Poot inthe 214 Contry Where Lyric Meets Language Claudia Rankine Graywolt Press Copyrigh 6 2006 by Cauda Raaaine Pub ots vetoes made postin par by rat provided by ‘he Minesoa Stat rs Mat through an epropiaton by the Minnesota Sito Lilrre a grant fromthe Wl Fuga Toundaton Mines: ed 1 ran from fa National Endowment forthe At, which blew tat ltt nation deserws greta Signin suport hu als Ben provided tye Bush Foundation arg, srsal Fel’ and Mey wh apport ftom te Target Feudstion; the MeXaightFooneton od er gearoas ‘ont uthns rom foundations corporations, ad indus. T hese {rmautions and nada we ole our heart tans, ‘Special ending fo his tea een provi byte Jerome Foundation. “Al ose hcp shapes by Pa Cel om Pot ofl Cla, ranted ‘by Michel Hamburger Tenaation copyright ©1972, 1960, 1988, 2002 by ‘Miche! Hamburger, Reprinted by pesmisiono Perse Books, Ine: New “it hrs The CeecedPooms 19-1967 by Conn Mls, Coppin © 1988 by Cuesaw lose Royale, tn. Reprinted by permision of arperCotinsPubishers ne Published by Graywol Prt 250 Thid Avenue Nort, Sule 600 Minneapolis Minas 98401 Allright ered woe graywotpesong Published nthe Und Stato Ameren, ISBN 78-1.9867-400-7 ray of Congress Control Number 2004106187 ‘Cover desi ana potogranh- John Lee Grate acknowledgment is ado to the editors af the plications in which poems tro his book fist appeared: Boston Review, EPR, Fence, Per ans Quarter Gato scenowindgment ix alo made to Catherine Burnt, John Lea, fan Jobn Woods who colsbrafod wih aa this manus {would like otha Cavin Been, Mel Mel ersenbragee, Sarah ii, Alizna Coder, a Dy, Late Gla, Ply Gottesman. Sakis Hamito, Bob Hass, Lym Hoaian, Chine Hume, Ann Seot Knight, Suteina Mark, Sarah Shulman, an Mike Gopdman for tring tis work Inco conversation, Thanks soto be MacDowell Caley. ‘Ard most ofall beware, even in thought, of assuming the storie attitude ofthe spectatr, or Mo is nota spectacle ‘Sea of grits nota proscenium, aman wo walisisrot «8 dancing boar. Ae ese For Ula Alexandra Lucas DON'T LET ME BE LONELY ‘There was atime I could say no ono | Know wel ha ied. Tis isnot to suggest no one died. When Twas ‘ight my mother became pregnant. She went tothe hospital to give birth end returned without the baby. ‘Wmere’s the baby? we asked, Did she shrug? She was the Kind of woman who liked to shrug, deep within her was an everlasting shivg, That didn't seem like 1 death, The years went by and people only died on television—if they weren't Black, they were wearing, black or were terminally il. Then T retumed home from school one day aad saw my father siting onthe steps of our home. He had look that was unfem- fart was flooded, so leaking. I climbed the steps as far aay from him as I could got He was breaking oF broken. Or, to be more precise, he looked to me like someone understanding his aleneness, Loneliness. His other was dead. Td never met her. It meant trip ‘seit home for him. When he returned he spoke nel- ther about the sizplane nor the funeral "Every movie I saw while inthe third grade compelled ime to a, Is he dend? Is she dead? Beeause the char acters often live agains all odds itis the actors whose mortality concemed me. If it were an ol, black-and ‘white fl, whoever was around would answer yes, “Months later the actor would show up on some ite night talk show to promote his latest efforts, would um and say—one always turns to say~You said e was dead, And the misinformed would claim, I never Sidhe was dead, Yes, you did. No, dn. Inevitably Ive get older; whoever i sil with ws says, Staak ing me that. 6 (r one begins asking onesell that same question di ferenly. Ar I dead? Though this question at no time ‘expliily translates into Should Ibe deed, eventually ‘the sulede holine is called. You are, as usual, watch> ing television, the eight-'clock move, when a number flashes on the screen: 1-800-SUICIDE, You dial the ‘number Do you fee! ike kiling yoursei? the man on ‘the other end of the receiver asks. You tll him, I ee! like Tam aiready dead, When he makes no response ‘yous, am in death’ position. He finally says, Dont believe what you are thinking and feeling. Then he asks, Where do you live? Friteen minutes later the doorbell rings. You explain to the ambulance attendant that you had a momen {ary lapse of happily. The noun, happiness isa static state of some Platonic idea you now better than to pursue. Your modifying process had happily or un happily experienced a momentary pause. This kind of ‘thing happens, perhaps is sill happeaing. He shrugs ‘and in torn explains that you need to come quiely or he wil have to restrain you, Ihe is forced to restrain ‘you he wil have to roport that hei force to restrain ‘You 6 this simple: Resistance will only make mat- {ers more dtfcul. Any resistance wil only make ters worse. By lw [wil have to restrain you. Histone ‘suggests tht yo should ty to undeestand the aitiuly fn which he finds himself. This urterdisoriensog. fr fne! Can't you see that! You climb into the amibu- lance unassisted. Orsay the eyes are resting when th when the phone rings and ‘what this rend wants oll yous that in ve years she willbe dead. Shesays singly have beast cancer Then fn the incredulous tone sho ses to refer to strange be- havior by boyfriends and eoworkers, ae ais, Do ou believe this? Can you belive this? Can you? ‘elump we dagosed aerate Cn ve shen hve ved ad be ocr eee op Yeon dots ede cul aca ‘During the mastectomy she has muscle massa seme {ary something or other cemoved from her abdominal area and sed inthe reconstruction a her lt reas “The plastic surgeon angied she could do's far better job with satura versus artical tissue. It added an extra day to her hospital sty, : | i ; : After the mastectomy the chemotherapy, the ration, fad the wating, we Teaa the cancer i in thls friend's bones and know its settled. goto see hero months before she cies, Her skin by then reveals her skee ton, Ii eary for the eyes not to stare, ensy to accept the fect thatthe cancer has been replaced ty the ap proach of death. fis easy to accept that er person- tity has been overshadosted by its condition, thatthe Condon, her death, has impnted itself, No secon Iookcis necessary. ‘Cancer slowly sted in her body and lived off uni it er body, became useless to tel. hell of way 1 love weight, she says when I step into er bedroom nd take the look tht becomes the unforgettable im print We wth ot of elvision the four days Ii at her bedside, We talk. She grows tired. She i sad, She 105 tre, She becomes angry, She grows tired. She is accepting. She grows tired. She grows tre, [As Hook around dhe room, whichis paced with her possessions, moved months before into her mother's Fhome, any Hagering terest in any objector piece of othing is interrapied— NF COMFORT CARE ‘She explains fo me thatthe "Do-not resuscitate" (DNR) sign merely means no cardiopulmonary resustaion (COR), Even if Lcoulg, not alowed to administer chest compressions insert an arti airway, admin ister resuscitative drugs, defibrllae eardiovert, or ni tiate cardiae monitoring. No. No. No, No, No. She has decided, She's grown tired. She is finished, No mat= {er wtose wil to if remains at her bedside, her death ‘sale. (One night we discuss at great length the movies Boogie ‘Nights and Magnolia. The consensusis that bath movies taro motivated bythe theme ofthe disappointing father figure. In both movies men old encugh tobe anybody's father do ad things fo people who are younger than they are, people who could be thei children, people who are their children, people who i these father figures had behaved better could have looked up to ‘them fr the slimmest of reasons. Tom Cruise is con- vincing asthe disappointed son in Maguoia, Theres ‘another character with my same name whois als bit terly disappointed. Though the subject of eancer did ‘ot come up in our Iete-night conversation about the two movies, it did for him, for Tom Cruise's character in atagnotia, ‘Why do people waste away? The fact that cancer de serbes a malignant mass of issue that pulls all meti> ents from the body surprises the body frst then the ‘owner ofthe body, an finaly those who look on. OF ‘as Gertrude Sten, who herself ded of stomach cancer, points out, “if everybody aid not die the earths woud ‘oe all covered over and I, as, could not have come to beand ty 2s much as can try nt tobe I never less, would mine that so much, as much a anything, sothen why not die and yet an again nt thing, not thing be Hiking, not a thing” eave the television on al the time, faces the empty bec. dont go into the bedroom during the day once [ve dressed, Somtimes when am wearing skirt and feel like puting on pants or vice vers, {go in there and people are conversing. Ocessionslly [it on the trdge ofthe bed and listen listen for a few minutes ‘only One day tere is a man interviewing boy caught Jn the penal system, juvenile offender ce fete a he sno! deceased? ore Hycould be dead aos reer in ees om ecuertcr eee eee) tamm pa pa ‘Tat day 1nd cant work, so in the margin of my notebook I write a dialogue. "thought Iwas dead, ‘You thought you were dead? thought Iwas. Die you foe dead 1 said, God rest me God rest your soul? thought twas dea, You tried everthing? wale, You spoke aloud? 1 sai, God rest me You'd lot me be lonely? [thought Iwas des. oa ‘Or sty 8 frend develops Alzhsimer's. Fora while he tndertands hes getting and will be wisn this ‘ess. On a sate message board in his house, he writes Hels moved toa home: Manor Care. Then he becomes inlent and is maved to another home: Fairlawn. All this takes five years. Then he des. | bring the chalk ‘board home with me end hang it onthe wall in my study. Whenever I look up from my desc iis there ‘One dy Thea, a if he i standing nex to me he poet Joseph Brodsky saying, What's the point of forget: ting if it’s fold by eng? Joseph Brodsky is dead, but this fact doce not stop his voie from entering tho oom every time I lok ap—this isthe most miserable in my life whats the pout of forgetting it's folwed by dying this the most miserable in my life what's 2h point... cat stop people from seyng what they ned to say doit knowhow to stop repetitions Uke these “The chalkboard has a bun tedge, on the ledge is an ‘eraser, bat he sratched inthe words ‘When his memory started to go he substitted kind ‘of makeshift realty. He developed the iritation of & thee-yeur-old fighting his way fo a sentence. One day hie pointed to the television snd with great effort and ‘concentration Finally tid, I want co se the lady who ‘deals in death. The Gitte you hear him say this, you ‘think his condition has given him insight int his own mortality. The phrase echoes in your head, The lady ‘who deals in death. The lady who deals in death, The Indy who deals in death. The lady who deal. Until fs nally, Murder She Wrote wt ‘Cornel West makes the point that hope is diferent from Amesiean optimism. After the inital presidens tial election results come in, stp watching the news 1 want ta continue watching, charting, and discussing the counts, the recount, the hand counts, but I ean not. loge hope, However Bush came to have won, he ‘Would stil be winning ten days later and we would ‘sll be inthe throes of our American optimism. All the hon-eporting i distraction from Bush himself, the same Hush who cant remember if two oF three people vere conicted for dragging black man to his death jh home sate of Texas. You dowt remember because you don't eare. Some times my mother's vole swell and fill my forehead Mostiy I resist the flooding, bt in Bush's ease I ind nyse talking to the television seeen: You don't ow becense you don care ‘Then, ike al things impassioned, this voice takes en life ofits own: You dont knew because you don't bloody care. Da you? forge things too. ttmes mesad. Orit makes me the est, The snes nt realy about George W. or ‘our American optimism; the sadness lives inthe recog- nition that fe can not mater. Os hore are billions ‘ives, ay sadness i alive alongside the recognition that lions of tives never mattered. I writ this wih utbreaking my bear, vithout busting into anything. Perhaps this the real soure of my sadness O, pe haps, Emily Dickinson, my love, hope was never 8 thing with feathers. dnit know, Just ind when the news comes on I switch the ehanael. This new ten dency might be indicative of a doepening personality fay: INAH, The abi to Maintin Hope, which rans lates into no innate rast in the supreme laws hat gov fem us. Cornel West says ths is What 8 wrong with black people todaytoo nisi. Too scarred by hope to hope, too experienced to experience, 10 close to daa ie wt Think. ba ‘There Is 8 button on the remote contol called AV You can program your favorite channels, Don like the world you live In, choose one closer tothe world youliv in. [choose the independent film channel sad HBO. Neither have news programs as far as can tel ‘Thisis whats grt shout Americo—anyone can make these kinds of choices. Instead ofthe news, HBO has ‘hw Sopranos. This week tho inde channels playing and replaying Spaghetti Westerns. Always someone sets shot or plereed through the heat with an arrow, and ust before he des he says em net going to make 1 Where? Not golng to make it where? On some level, "maybe, the phrase simply means nat going to make i into the nextday, hou, minute, or perbeps the next second, Occasionally, you can imagine, it means he Is. rot going to make i o Carson Cty or‘Texss oF some Uere else out west or 10 Mexico if he ison the run, (Om another level always implicit isthe sense that i means he is not going fo make it to his own death Perhaps in the back of all our minds Is the life expee- tency for our ganertion. Peshape this expectation lin- gers there alongside the outs of sleep one should get ‘or the number of imes ane ls meant to ches food — ight hours, twenty chews, and seventy-six years. We ‘reall heang there a not to have tat birthday not to have mae i Peckinpa’s The Wild Bunch is worth watching be ‘cause the cowboys ithave nownere to gett. They" ddr ana they don't have to make i anywherebecause ‘where they are is all there is or rather the end of genre, Their isnot the Old Testament—no journey to take; nothing promited; no land to land in. For them, life an death are simultaneously equal and present ‘The simaltancty ofthe living who are already dead is ‘med as sex Peckinpah gives the nal shoot-out in which they all sea kind of orgasle rush chat release ll of ws froma the elnemati or, more accurately, the American fan tasy chat we wll survive no matter sehat Though they are handsome, white, leading men not dressed all in blac, he literally shoots the life out ofall antici tory leanings, Once the orgasm Is over we ean just lie back, close our eyes, and relax, though we are ne ther Herated nor fulled. The are dead ished, no American fenasy can help ther now Inthe night fwateh television to elp me al sleep Iwate television because eanaot slop. My husband sleeps though my sleeplessness and the noise ofthe {elevision, Eventually i ial abit. never remember ‘uring the TV off, hut aways when Take wp inthe rorning it off. Perhaps he tures iat dont know. ‘Some nights [count the commercials for antidepres: sant, I he same commercials repeated, ltl count it. rseems right that pharmaceutical companies should advertise in the middle ofthe sight, when people are less distracted and capable of tuning in more and more and most precisely to thir Fearful hodios and their ac- companying anxieties (One commercial for PAXIL (paroxetine HCD says sim pis Your ure is ware. Parstais, I think fist, but ‘hen I onde, for what, or what does i Wait? For ie Tues. Acrors the sereen, this time minus audio ashes: YOUR LIFE IS WAITING Seer es 1s remains on the screen long enough so that when Telose my eyes to check if am sleeping, instead of darkness, vounuureiswarme stares back at me Pills you ge cen st of se ees (wort i everyday etre ong Se 2), You can take this other pill in addition. " ene ° By the teenth day i's clear isnt working Take two day then, she says. In week there are no more ill “The commercial for another drug say Tako these | “Te prescription the doctor writes me sty, Take ont eoneoniosnneeoe Some Medicines Gan Ghange The Effect ‘Of This Medicine. Check: With Your: to flit, octor Or Pharmacist Before Taking Any | Ott Medicines, | ‘ou should st ave seven pls. The i Insurance company won't cover this i ‘She sald take two a day. ‘The woman on the television sereen is smiling. {can- | ot lp bu think her results are not ype | “They always do that | ca my doetoe ‘She cat change the authorization. i “The authorization? Oh Come hack tomorrow: | i ‘The next day he tries agaln. Again it doesnt work, and then it does, He gives ma the pills Is unciear wnt czanges, but tae the ils | Nota, oT mo ‘Or she sys, You might not need these pls, buf tums ‘ext you need them, you want to have them close by ose by are the pills. They are red, each bigger than a ‘Tie Tag, smaller than a kiéney bean, 4. Turns ut decie not to take the, pot them in the bathroom eabiaet. € Inewer touch them. 4. Sometimes open the bine. fe Lsee the plastic container £ The red pls caeh my eve Iteke the container off the shett. 1 Tread my name. read the instructions 4. Tab my thumb over the typed eters never ope the safety cap. My desire iso give the pills away a8 I might par of shoas hace never worn. Iwaat to givethem oa friend, ‘to someone who could decide 1 theo ther ny. wl | | | | “The days hot, unbearably Tho eckof air-conditioning persuades a git up to the roof of her thinystory fpartment building despite the sign ja bold letters, TENANTS NOT ALLOWED ON ROOF. Sho is not afraid of heights, The water toner casts shade jus big ‘enough for he ors, To eep hor eaves ont ofthe sun find of the hot rof she lets them hang over the edge ofthe ailing “Thesis drowning ine with clouds that low ike salsa blue ses ofeails. Aer awhile of justlying hore, the gt decides to shout a Milos poem to the sky Ady wap ged oy worked the gndon, Bumningticd were stoping ve Ronee Sowers ‘The wasting uh wad pe Tew n ane wart my ering hi ‘Stave od ured er ‘Tothint ht oe we thst ma A tema In body too pin. ‘Whenstagining Te he been an ale ven if she could hear the ambulanots, why would she take chem personally? A crowd gathers below. ‘ead she known people could see er fom thei apart ments aross the street, Soc her calves, her size-seven ‘eet er green nat polised toes, she would have gone Deck inside despite the heat, ‘Then, as if she is dreaning, she hoers a woman almost whispering call her honey. Hono, what's your name? ‘comes sty from behind her Luk, she doesn’ st te. Everything wil eal right, the police officer says “The gi is her legs over the ede; she stands. Two other officers appear from behind the heavy dove The fir’s confusion is genuine, and therefore should be ‘convincing, Nonetheless, she as to go tothe Hospi tal forests, which translate into someone asking her 3 few questions along the lines of, Are you okay? ‘The strange thing is that before they take her tothe hospital, the ambulance stops at che police sation. At the station the sergeant is or isnot interested but he ‘does as What the el! do you think you were doing? “The gil loves him for ashing. She loves him foe ke Ing her thinking inthe present even as her actions ci solve nt ou past. In al ou dreams his question isthe ‘question that stays. 81 | i | | | | ‘The Museum of Emotions in London has a game tht asks yr and no questions As longa you answer “eo rectly” you ean cootinue playing. The tied question fe: Were you terribly upset an dié you find yoursel! ‘weeping whoa Princess Diana ied? "old the truth and sepped on the NO te was not al lowed ta continue. The museum employee, who must have hed thing with shame, looked away 8 stepped ovin, Walking os, 1 couldn't help bat think the ques tion should have been, Was Princess Diana ever really lve? I mean, alive to anyone outside of her fiends ‘and family truly? “The English were vey distraught after her death: On the television they showed thousands of mourners leaving lowers in front of the palace. Weren't they mourning the protection they fat she should have had? A protection they'l never have? ‘werent they simply grieving the random inevitability of thei own deaths? be [My mother tells me Tam just bing time. She means i ssa push tard aotbiding ime, She wants me to lead 1 readable lfe—one that ean be read as worthwrile, and successful, My mother Is nat overly concerned with happines, its fruilss pursuit or otherwise. As far as she can remember, there was only pan con ‘nected to the joy of cilbirth. She remembers the pain and wants i to have been worthwiile, fr a eason- able lite \ a a As Latch my mother’s mouth move, I sie myst ‘Am often woubled by constipation? Have lever wom: ‘ted lve or coughed up blame? Is anything wrong with iy ming? wl A father tls his son the thing he rogrets most about his fe isthe amount of time he has spent worrying. shout it. Worry 1A do's action of biting and shaking an ani- ‘mal 0 as t0njure or kill it spec, a hounds worrying ‘ofits quay; an instanceof this. 2A state or feeling ‘of mental unease or anxiety regarding or arising from ‘one's cares or responsibilities, uncetalaty about the future, fear of falurs, ete; anxious concern, anxiety: Also, an instance o eause ofthis. 1 achieved nothing, all his worrying. Things worked ‘out or they didnt work out and now here he was, an ‘old mtn, a old man who eaeh year of his fe bt or ‘shook doubt as if to injure if not to Kil, an old man ‘with a good-looking son who resembles his deceased smother I is uncanny how she rests there, as plain as day in ueir boys face, Worry 8. Cause mental distress or agitation to (a per son, oneself); make anxious and il at ease. 9. Give way to anxiety, unease, or dsquietudes allow one's ‘mind to dillon difiatios or troubles. ‘He wats for his father’ death His father has been taken ofthe ventilator and clearly wil not be able 10 ‘breathe for himself much longer Earle in the day the nurse mentioned something aout an eletroancephe logram (EEG), which measures brala waves in tho ce rabral hemispheres, the pasts ofthe brain that deal ‘with speech and memory. But his brainstem is daan- ged; seems now the test will not be necessary. The som expects an slat silent, hollow gasp to come from ‘the old man's open mouth, Those final sounds, how: ‘ever, ace nothing ike the wind movi through the va ancy ofa mind. The release is jerky and convulsive “There is never the rasp athe choke the son expects, though one meaning of wry isto ba choked on, to choke on (Or last year tis close friend was inthe depresion of his fe. He had to take a medical leave fom his job as a speechwriter He could barely get oat af bed. Tats ‘whet ho said soe might have moant he wasn't geting fut of ed. He sad he fet ikea old men dying. the ld man dying. The leaves on he trees outside his wi ove rtd within hi, ‘efor his breakdown we had DVD evenings. Pd go ‘over with a bag of Doritos and a bot of wine, After the breakdown, ho didn't wish to see anyone. He wasn't answering the phone. {alld ent messaes— sometimes fo break into the general silence aad some: times fo check on him. Finally, he agreed 1 should come by. I walked the thirty.shx blocs to his apart- ‘mont. By the time Ireached his place Twas anxious but ‘optimistic. [thought te apariment would be a mes te apartment wos dust fee He semed fine. ‘Wo sat onthe ota in front of his television He eressed his legs and seemed excessively silent, though 1 had no real grounds for eamparson having never noticed the quality of his stall tak before, He had rented -tzcarrldo from The Movie Place. They pile up and eller. Herzog is is favorite director He refused the as of wine I poured for him. das sauguay ieremmrioas | i212) 136-5139 2 Bers | sermon | TAKE ONE CAPSULE By wouTs OUR TiMeS DANY LimiuM cane s00MG CAP ROXA, REFILLS # 2 O8Y 120° Rph. SEW _TRSENONR steam ron ase Fis body could take alot end drugs athe same time, He was on Lithism, one capsule fur times diy “There wasa red sticker on his medicine bate warning agains aleohol use He handed me the bottle. al 2 ee While watching the movie, (ears rolled down his ‘cscs, Apart from their use in expressing eration, tears have two other funetions: they lubricate the ‘eyes so thatthe lds ean move over them smoothly as you blinks dhey wash away foreign bodies tis dif ‘alt 10 feel much tear-worthy emetion about anything in Rizcarraldo as itis about having oullandish projets and aehloving ther inthe name of ar, but since the tears kept coming long fer smooth baking would have been restored snd foreige bodies washed away, 1 decided that appareatly my friend was expressing ‘motion and was ne fino, not okay no. ‘Timothy McVeigh died at 7:14 am. aad a news se: porter ks relatives of his 168 vletins Ifthe have for flven him. Perhaps because MeVeigh is visually the ‘American boy nest door, thls is yet another attempt by the media to immunize him from his actions. Stil ‘tis unclear to me why the reporter asks this now but nonetheless continue watching to hear what said -Many say, No, no, have not forgiven him. A few say, Yes. ‘What does it mean to forgive and how does forgive: recs show itsel? “Forgiveness forives only the un- forgivable,” Ineques Derrida claims. Timothy Meveigh never asked abe forgiven. He managed o suggest that both condernnation and forgiveness were relevant by quoting Wiliem Earnest Henly’s poo “Taictus" "It ‘matters not how srt the gate, How charged with pun ‘shments the scrll {sm the master of my fate: ‘he egptin of my soul" The nee for forgiveness does ‘ot seen to nie no MeVelgh’s nal statement 0 the media, Even as his judicial execution by lethal injec- ‘ion is televised over closed-ircuit television forthe time’ aries, he makes no sign that forgivencss is necessary to him. ‘So whet is forgiveness and how does it show isl? Forgiveness, [nally decide, isnot the doath of am- nes, nor ist a form of madness, as Derrida chim, For the one who forgive, itis simply a death, a dying down isthe heart, the position ofthe already dead, I ‘sin the end the ving through the understanding that ‘this has happened is happening, happens. Period. tis a feeling of nothingness tat cnn be communicated to another an absence, a bottomless vacaney held by te ving, beyond al that is hated or loved al “That same night I dream the Kennedys invite me to ‘8 party. All the Kennedys who are dead are dead, ‘Caroline is there and she speals wary nicely to me—is ‘very gracious, Though one ean go three days without ‘water and survive, Ihave Few glasses of Perrier with lemon, mill around, hav a fin time. When Tam ready to leave the water, «camo this sie, comes forward withthe bil. tale out ten dlls, but all hose gasses fof water add up to ten thousand dollars. Pardon me, say to the waive 1am, obviously, caught unprepared both nancial and emotional. le ' | | | 1 was switched from Prozae to fuoxetine. Prozac’ patent I6 up, and now that the generic brand, = ‘tine, ks avaiable, the insurance company will nly ‘over tha, my editor says casually. Because Oprah has ‘rained Americans to say anything anywhere, and be ‘ause no longer does my editor see confession as in- timate and full of silences, I happen to know 80 1 tell hor that EK Lilly the drvg company’ that makes Prozac sn marketing anew pl: PROZAC Weekly. “Try o convince your doctor that aking pill everyday for depression is depressing I suggest. We are al in this together, whenever, whatever, wherever—in de- tails okay. We are having lunch because Iam reiting & book on Inepatocoxiciy, also known as liver failure. in the pubs lie imagination, liver fire is associated with alo holism, but the truth is 55 percent ofthe time liver failure is druginduoed, Again and again there exists an“T” who wat instttionalized because “I swallowed ‘abot of Tylenol and went into a coma. Now, [ean say ‘that lucky the coma didnot lead to tive fire are death, but ack then [was disappointed when T woke up in hospital room. The waking was slow because ‘ofthe drugs in my system, Iremember being cod. Lre- member shaking. They wrapped me in blankess. There ‘was 8 fst needle taped against my sk, plereing ay arm. The nurse, in an effort to demonstrate how far had come, informed me the day was to cheek aut that the Best thing I'd asked when fst awoke was, Alive? She sai she answered, Yes, love. you are alive. When she told me this story sine Sed and two cavernous Aimpies appeared on ether check. Why are you smi ng? Why are you smiling, my smiling nurse?” My editor ass me to tell her exactly what the Liver ‘means to me. She must not have read Laurie Tarkan's aril in the Times, ough she pul it from her brat ‘ase and places it in the mide ofthe table | point to ® paragraph and read aloud: The fer ie partic larly vulnerable to drugs beeause one ofits functions {sto break down oF metabolize chemicals that cre not ‘water-soluble... But sometimes the breakdown pre tts ae toxic ta fiver cel, Indeed it surprising given the noxious chemicals thatthe liver exposed that more drugs do no damage i ve read ll hat alread ob. ‘You event answered my question. ‘She starts to gather her things. emain seated inthe restourant a fll hour afer she lees. 1 understand that what she wants is an explanation of the myster- ‘connections that exist between an author and her text If Tam present ina rubjet position what respon sibility do Ihave tothe conten, to the truth value, of ‘the words thomselves? I” even me or mT? a gear shit to get rom one sentence to the next? Should say ‘we? Is the voice not various II tke responsibilty for i What does my subject mean to me? ‘why do 1 care about the liver? Teould have tole her ft is beeaase howord Ive hides within it. OF we might have been able to-do some. thing with the fact that the ver isthe largest sine sleinternal organ ext to the soul, ‘which looms large ‘ough nish HI i | | | In truth I know the answer 0 her question, but how cin Tsay to her, Understand without effort that man ie Jef ates thinking. aif trying to yeep. Lam some ‘what rephrasing the poet César Valeo because Vallejo ‘comes clases fo explaining that any kind of know!- ‘edge can be a prescription against despair, ut she ‘woulda accept his answer, she couldn relly use Ie for ad com. ae ‘And Lam not exactly ering person, though my eyes tear up frequently beesuse of my alegles. Inany ease, the other tears, the ones that express emotions, che ‘ones that recognize andtake responsiblity forthe su don't come. Instead I gets sharp pain in my gut. And though heart disease isthe leading kiler of American ‘women, the pain hes nothing todo with that | ave hha tall my life, No quite caving in, just a feeling of bits of my ins ewisting away from Mesh inthe form lof blow to the body Sometimes ook int someone's face and I must brace riyself—the blow on its way For instance Igo into ry bedroom to put on socks because my foes could be cold and on the TY is Abner Louima I hope what comes out of my eases change. What happened 19 me should nt happen to any human beg o my children ‘ranybody else's chldren 1s been four years since ho was sodomized with a ‘broken broomstick while in police custody. It was two ‘months and three surgeries before he could Feave the hospital. e has justagreed toa settlement with the city ‘an the police union for 87 mailon dellas. Lime’. lawyer, Johany 2. Cochran st Sanding next co him ouime looks ey reporter asks him how i fees to ‘bee vich man. Not rch, says Loulma. Lucky, icky to be alive. Insinctively my hand braces my abdomen. ol ‘And the other Al the shots all forgone never add ‘up, never become plural, and wl aot stayin the pas. Ie felt wasteful to cry atthe television set as Amadou Dialo's death was announced, Sometimes think it sentiments, or excessive, cer fainly not intelectual, or peshaps too nave, 10 self ‘wounded ro value each life ke that, o fel loss tothe point ofbeing bent over eneh time. There is ap innova fag los, I was never snvented, ie happened some thing physicel, something physically experienced. It Js not something an “I” discusses socially. Thovsh [yung Mi Kim cil say thet the poem is really a re sponribility o everyone int soclal space. She di say ‘a8 okay to cramp, t0 clog, 0 fold over at the gut, 0 ‘have to pt hn to flesh, to have old the pals, and then to ranaiate hare. Shedd sayin so many words, ‘that what alerts, alters eek itoo, ‘The oaelness? ett happen By fecting? By not nt fetng ‘Tha’ too much ike dye? Maybe, or death is second Second to what? ‘Toloneines. Define loneliness, — ‘Why are we alive? My sister had daughter anda son Is she dead? Is he dead? Yes, they're dead. My sister's chien and her husband died in a car rash. She i Davchirst, but she cannot help herself. She doesn probably cannot legally, presribe herseif any droge Her world—she i ling itis crumbling. “Why.” What..." isten, but do not spenk. 1 ook into her eyes. We sit ‘on the floor of public place, our faces wet. Then, lke ‘that, am in my ea, turing the key inthe ignition, iy own quotgi afsirs bresling i, Who will she be when she i ton tied to ery? Where dows her kind of ‘rit go? Paul Celan whispers in year, All those sleep shapes, erystaline that you assumed {nthe language shadow, tothose ead my blood, ‘hose image lines, thom Ym to harbour nthe sit-arteries cof my cognition my ri Fan se, fs leverting you, Define loneliness? Yes 1s what we can't do foreach ober | ‘What do we mean 1 each other? | What does ite mean? ‘Why are we here if not for each other? Or 8 fiends mother dies when she is on her way home from her father’s funeral in Switzerland. While ber plane crosses the Alte, her mother dies of neat attack in New Hampshire. trun aco tis tend in Sato a the Cupping Room. She is wearing along far cont Iwas my mother’s. She die. ‘This woman, a college friend, sooms Bae. Peshaps we are not responsible forthe lives of our parents—not in ‘our pores or our very breath. We en expect. We ean re solve, We can eome to terms with. Afterwards we wear their clothing, stn thoi chairs, and remomber thom Profoundly remember them. But we are et respon sible. The construct of my sister. this character, feels trated. Anything, 1 ell her Twit in my notes, wil ‘do anything, In ruth can do noting Dt ee inthe a thy her gro three people's death. The end af each ay is followed by morning, ‘Athusband wakes up beside me, stretching, asking, Sweetheart honey, dearest, ‘how did you sleep? PO ‘We near on the television that a thirtee-year-ld boy [s convicted of first-degree murder fr killing Six yearold gil when he was twelve years old 1, or we it hardy mater, seok out the story inthe Times. The gi had a corn liver, fractured sil, and ‘broken sbe-perhape there was more, In any case, her time is done. The boy was tied as an adult or he was teed a8 dead hil, There are no children anymore, at least no his bos—this boy whois only a child. But then what child behaves lie this? What child benaves like tie, knows the consequences, and stil insists be vas playing a beng & wrestler? To know and not to tinderstind is perhaps one definition of boing « chil Orresponsbiity Is not connoeted to sense-malking the courts have deldoa In this moment we are alone with he fats ashe wil be ‘when he snderstands. Inthe time takes forthe appeal toappen he willbe a dood child in an adult prison, He willbe alive as someone else. He will be there with ‘udults and because is if is happening in his way be ‘wll forever happen in ox minds as 2 dead ell. see ‘the tars have run relatively parallel down his moth fers cheeks, What Lhave ia heodache. On the Tylenol battle someone has made a distinction etwoen aduls and children, fas an adult, am allowed te tables. AS {tere atthe label, trom somewhere a voice whispers {in my et: Take comfort in our strength ie Itis otal would have to jumyp to reach the ground ‘The white safety eap moves a itl, bat will not n= screw. Lean seo al the pills, perhaps placebos, stacked Lp inside even as am sting above them. The pill are reflected in a season of oer overtumed pill botes Because Iam ap so high F cant see anyone ele, but can hear the audio: She is dead, finshed, no dream seape can help her now. Inan attempt to convey a desired sense, & kind of bas: tartized constrcto ad sensum, 1 claim the dream ‘where Iam sting on huge pil bottle, acter Mr. Tools, fora while the only person in the world ‘walking around with an artifical heat, raid he weird> fest thing wes being without a beara His Wasa pr ‘vate and perhepe lonely singularity. Noone else could 58, [now how you fee, The ony living being without ‘aitbeat, he had swhier instead twas not the same ‘whirr of siren, but rather the fst repetitive whir of ‘a machine whose insistent motion might eventually seem ike silence. Mr Tools had the ltimate tol in his body. He ft its heaviness. The weight on his heart was his heat. All his apparatas—arifical hea, energy col battery, and contolle—welghed more than four pounds. The whit {you ste not Mr Tools is detectable only with astetho- scope, For Mr, Tool, that whire was his sgn that he was alive A frend drops by my home to vist, but Ihave at just ‘that moment put en my enat. We leave and go to sit In Sal's Pizeria at the corner Our conversation és ntl she says, I didet Ike Coetzee's Disgrace. I ree: ‘ommended this novel to har sot smile because I fel accused of some wrongdoing, but Iam also amused because it relly doesn't mata, doos if? He's not for everyone, 1 sy. There's aways smother book 0 read recommend Zadie Smith's White Test, Ths friend ‘won't be shrugged off She wants to know why #0 ‘many intelligent people ke Disgrace. want tote her ‘that ifshe stopped thinking about people a intelligent she might know why. I say instead something about ‘nobody learning anything rom history and that South Alria's Truth ang Reconciliation Commission ibeing ‘itgued perhaps don knot Tuy again by claiming Coetze is suggesting the land i what survives In the nd he is a naturalist. | don't know I think this before say. Tehew on my pizza and wonder what natue ‘alist, what the word means beyond is abvious com. mitment to natural laws. Does it have anything to do ‘with euthanasia? She sts cross from me in silence, she doesnt respond, dows’ initite. Did you know Peteus means rock? [ase Petrs is the name ofthe ‘major black character in the novel. A if [had spo en, she asks emphatically, what woman hasnt been ‘raped? Inthe novel Petrus ignore a rape, make 90 response. She goos to the bathroom. While she isin there, [put on my coat. After we pare and Tam elim Ing the stirs to my apartment, I hink surely some percentage of women hasnt been raped, I dont know ‘ough, really. Perhaps this isthe kind of thing could find os on Google HBTS ircies cretos: oveiony News ‘Google Sexe | rm Feeling Lucky) “Then I thik, maybe, that “what woman hasnt been raped” could be anotter way of saying "this isthe most riserable in my ile” ‘Or while on vecation in a village in the Caribbean, 1 ‘et ill and a doctor gives me medication with an ex- Pirstion date that has long come and gone. point this ‘ut to the nse. She Us te shet of tables from my cvlseetched palm while adjusting hor glasses with her ‘other hand. She knows she has asked me if have any liver disease. And though these orally disintegrating tablets are in the FDA pregnancy category B, mean ‘ng they are not kel (ohare an unborn baby, se has also remembered task if Lam pregnant. fam not, nor fm I nursing, which turns out tobe fortuitous since it isnot known if this drug wil pas int breast mile The ‘only bothersome fact then is the expired expiration date. Wel, the nurse says ina tone of voice that implies ‘condemnation neither ofthe pills or ofthe woman Standing before her I take back te ables she holds foutto me, Ater I eave the line sit in a bar bordering the sea and watch the waves come crashing in. order ‘plas of lemon water and drink called "Between the Shoots” Drying my hands, 1 pool back the fil back ingofthebiister and gently remoce the first tablet. 140 not try to push the tablet through the fol Ducking, sit ‘may break. then pee! back the ol backing of another blister and gently remove that tablet. immediately place the tablets on my tongue where they dissolve in Seconds. [ould swallow with saliva, but take a drink of miy water 1 do not experience any uncommon but serious sie effects. haven allergic reaction; no di- lly breathing; no losing of my threat no swell of my lps, tongue, or face; no hives, Even after fw sips of my drink I experience no ‘regular heartbeats; no musete cramps or uncontrollable movements. Thee is no need for me to seek emergency medial attention ‘or contact the doctor Eventually without peeling bac, ‘anymore fol fe! fine | | | 1 ask my sister if she's soen the commercial for Diftcan, a new yeastinfecton medication that Jes messy than the suppository Monistat_ One rare burps: sible sie effect of Dilucan is Hver damage. Monistat isto suppository inconvenience as Dilucan isto pas sible liver damage-Whet is wrong with this picture? rmamased, ut my sister i distracted because she has bien asked to assess the value of her dead ebildren's lives, She has to meet with an insurance adjuster So {ar they have only spoka onthe phone, He wants her {o put together information on her ehikren, thnk of {taba sermpbonk, he'd sad. Report eatds, medal re- conds, extracurricular activites, My sister it eying fas she tlt me this. Instead she seems diswacted and Impatient. Iam asking the questions she asked the ad {aster and she i insted with this reflection of er- ‘sol She wants say to me the two words she wanted to say tim, In preparation and by chance I ead apiece about in- surance adjusters in Harper's writin by a guy named ‘Adama Davidson. The tle "Working Sts had the Mat humor of puns—ba ha humor. More than anything 1 ‘want to tll my sister about Davidson’s pleee, but 1 don’t want to risk generalicng her experince. What ‘eo, now bese of Davidson; what she knows, she knows because she is being made to perform a life {don't want to ive. Task questions, all the ones Davidson ha aleeady answered, Mosiy we disease wht should and should! not be in- ‘luded inthe portrait her children’s ves. Mosty we fsgree. Fach activity isa sign, a sign that points (950: al elas, which points to potential worth. The private ‘school the tenals lessons, the toccer team, the subs ‘medal, the coleton of exo fsh or lack there were all heading somowhore Its nota desintion we need {o arrive at since clearly the cldren aid not arrive ther. Utimately no ono lives in that pe. ts place ‘of compensation cvorced from compassion Its are sonable place erated by adults for adults ater the fat of foss. Cn the bus two women argue about whether Rudy Gulla had to kneel before the Queen of England when he was knighted. One says she ls sue he had to, Tay ll hed to, Sean Cannery, John Gielgud, Mick “logger. Tey all had to. The other ono says that if he hed, they would have seen it on television. We would have soon him doit Yam telling you we would haw seen it happen. Whon ay sop arrives Iam sill considering Giuliani as nobly Its difiult to separate him out from the fetremes connected tothe city over the years of is ‘mayorship, Stil, a day after the atack on dhe Word ‘Trade Center reporter askod him to estimate the ‘number of dead, His reply—More than we ean bear— ‘caused ime to turn and Took at him asi forthe frst. time, Is true that we cary the ides of ws slong with ‘us And then there are three thoustnd dead and iti in- ‘comprehensible and ungraspe, Physically and emo- tionally we cannot bear it, should in fact never have ‘this capacity. So When the number is released It is sive thet cannot hold the loss Giuliani recognized and answered for ‘Wallace Stevens wrote, “the peculiarly ofthe imag nation If nobility... nobility whieh is our spiritual height and depth; and while I know how difcut ts ‘to expres if, nevertheless Iam bound to give a sense of It Nothing could be moro evasive and inaceessi- ‘le. Nothing distorts itself and seeks disguise more wick. There ashame of ditlesing tnd in is det. Inte presentation a horor oft But there its” Sir Giuliani nesting. Ke was spparentiy not some: thing to be seer on television, but rather a moment to be heard and experienced: moment that allowed is ‘magination's encounter with deat o kneel under the ‘weight ofthe real ie “Three das after the attack onthe World Trade Center ‘train. Iran through the night with a determination that peters off by morning. That same afternoon | go ‘downtown tthe site, The rain, Lthought, would clear the ae of smoke. Iis still smoking because the debris is sill burning. A rank smells inthe air The rescue "workers are there moving piees of wreckage by han, In ch overcast, aim light they shadow the dead, are themselves desdene. ‘Their movements are so slow my eyes can rest in them. Some thing. swallows the noise of the trucks. see bot do not hear ‘hem. The language of description com: tes with the dead in the air My eyes burn and tear Stacked up along the igh- ‘way are tho wooden Sretehers that were never needed. Ink runs on the post fers of the missing taped to the sides of buldings. The pho tographed faces are faded. In some places the rin elesre away ‘the ash and the powdered concrete, in her ples It matted the ash and conerete 10 window ledges, to car exteriors, to any and all avaiable surfaces “The policemen, theirbacks tothe workers, sare atthe pull, te news people, everyone and anyone; each Stands wit his weight none leg Speaking under his breath to another My sente i that whatever thy are saying does nol connect wlth the part oftheir brain ‘thats thers Co police our eurious gre. ‘Overnight Osama bin Laden becomes # household name. Laden, Iam tld, rhymes with sadden, not fw: less. If close my eyes I can see him. He is ofcourse being represented as Satan. Hei a ertorst. His com mitment to his interests extends beyond his ned to be lve, perhaps beyond need orf itself In college, when I studied Hegel, I was struck by his ‘explanation ofthe use of death by the state. Hegel ar {ged that death is used a threat to keep citizens in line. The minste you stop fearing desth you are n0 longer controled by governments and counels In & sense you are no longer aecourtable to life. The rele \lonships embedded between the "Vand the “we un Uninge and lose all sense of responsibility. That "you." unetoning es other now exists beyond our notions of cull and socal space So terrorists embody that state beyond they are that ‘eedom embodied. They bring ie to that death state of lawlessness, bresth to breathlessness. They cary ‘those whose ives they touch ver into that breathless alm. Antigone, te charactor not the play, by Theban Sefton was a domestic terrorist. Hegel ses her as an example. She identified with the dead, was wing {to walk among them, Inthe course ofthe drama, even ‘hough she has many lines left te speak i the pay, Creon eloquently deseribes her wo her sister as alredy dea, Sot, a, already, with Osama Walking home 1 find myself singing soNy to the tune of “Day-0," Come Mister Taliban give us bin Laden ‘This version ofthe song slong with ts accompanying animation was passed on to me vis email and now I cant stop nyse 1am walking behind two big guys. One says to the thes, 1 dont rogret any pat of my life, W'sbeen a good life. Were anything to happeo 1 could live with at, [think he means he eos ive with his own deat, 1 ‘want fell him he wont have (0, | | | | | | Pare | | Inattax speeding uptown on the West Side Highway, 1 Jet my tnoughte drift below the surface ofthe Hudson ‘un Sinlly oocars to me that felings ll the gaps ‘rested by the indrectness of experience. Though the ‘experience is social thoughts carry tito sigue space and it this that causes the feelings of lone Hines; or 6 thls that collides the feeling with the ‘experience so that what is lft i the solitude ealed loneliness. And rom that space of loneliness, Lean fel ‘the eab driver watching me in his wearvew mirror He wants to know if ettend Columbia Universi. ‘Years go, now Just ive in tbe neighbortond ‘You sem tke a smart lady What do {yeu do fr your ing? Irwrte about the liver ‘Te liver? Really? You area doctor? ‘No, no. write about the liver ‘because thinking es itrying to weep, excuse me? You thnk the Liver isconncete to thoughts? ‘Wel no exactly Anyway, ell me something, you nave lived in this country many years? over thin, Wall yes, then. So tll me this, have you noticed these white people, they think they are beter than everyone ese? Have I noticed? Are you joking? You're ot joking Where are you fom? ee ee Pakistan ee, I's only a few moots since 11 ‘They think you're al Quede ‘know. But she tings they say to me “They doa now anything Be happy you entree their thoughts, want o sey to hig. smile into the rearview mero instead Why with such ance smile are you tying to weep? he asks as we pull upto my building wot ea ceecuceaces ‘Toroll over o nt to roll over that IRAP To have anew IMac oF not to have i? To eTrade oF net to eTrade? Again and again these wore Kodak moments, full of Individaation: we were all on our way cour personal best: America was seemingly @ meritocracy. 1, 1am Tiger Woods It was the nineties. Now it is the vey first century and elther you are with us or you are ‘against us. Where fs your fag? I strkes me that what the attack on the World Trade Center stole from us soar wiligness to be complex. (Orwhat he attack onthe World Trade Centr revealed tousis that we were never eomplex. We might want to ‘believe that we can condemn and we can love and we can condemn because We love our country, but that's too complex (Over tanch, someone says, Whats all his about detaining hundreds of people and monitoring lawyer-client ‘conversations? Who do we think we sre? Chins? nside the space of the constructed joke, everyone laughs and laughs. pre When Now York City arrived home i received a mes sage rom the Postmaster Genera eee ho sae me pet pie at? Heep hen sey ao 1 Yast sera ge yr es. 1 Retention ta ary ete sina spied gy map: 1 Resa theta 1 rend wih em nee sh "ema «rot fhe ge add th ns pea mat? Dt at a te seis 1 Det tpt 1 Wp ey sp ae tc 1 hy cr cee “1wo questions: What should make me suspect a pce of mail? What should I do with a susplcious piece of ‘mail? These are apparently real questions. People a sek and have died, Wht should Ido? I should shake 1X bump it or nif it. shouldnt handle. should no tify authorities. I should wesh my hands thoroughly vith soap and water As the days pass I begin to watch myself closely. The ‘America that Iam is washing her hands. She is check fing fora return adress, She is noticing the postage famount, Then the moment comes: inhalation ar. ‘ora common cold? Ihave to ask myselt. Something Ihappens—s nes kind of white powder-—and [am led {inside Do Ike who Iam becoming? Is this me? Fear. Fear in phlegm. Fear airborne, Fear foreign, My fshing toilet, my hot water, ny ai conditioner, ‘my health insurance, my, my, my-~all my my's were ‘American-made, This is how I was alive. Or I wasn't lve. vasa product, of was like a praduc, a prod Let of and ike Walt Disney's eo animation—styishly ‘animated, somewhat comic. used to think of myselt ‘as foarless person. Mahalia Jackson isa genius. Or Maal Jeckson has genius. The man I am with is tying to make a distinc: tion. Im uncomfortable with his need to make this Alatinetion because his inguiry begint to approach subtle shades of raeism, classi, oF sexsi. tis hard {o know which, Mahalia Jackson never fished the ‘ight grade, or Mahalias genius Is based onthe col isin of her voice with her spetualty. True spiritual Ityis ts own force. Lam not sure how to respond toa this Ichange the subject instead ' ie | We have just seen Goorgo Weir's docu: mentary, Louis Arm- strong at Newport, 1971. I the audito- Hum @ room full of strangers listened to ‘Mahalia Jackson sing “Let Tere Be Pesce on Earth and toed! up and gave standing ovation to a movio scroen. Her clarity of vi sion erosss thir years to adress intimately each of tus Itisasifher voi has always hoen dormant with tus, waiting to be awakened, eventhough “it had 10 £0 through ts ov lak of answers, trough eying lence, (end) through the thousand davknesses of mur ‘erous speech" | Perhaps Mab, ike Pas Calan, has slready ved ll courivesforss Perhaps that te deiton of geri | ege! iy, "Eah man hopes end believes is beter | than he word which fis, But the man whois oer | smerel expresses this sae word baer tna the th 1 rs Mahala Jackson sings asi tithe ast thig he Intends to do, And even hough the fries of he Song are, Let thre be peace on et a et begin with se" Tam hearing, Let pin me | In my dream 1 apologize to everyone I meet. Instead of ‘ntrodueing myself, | apologize for not knowing why {am alive. Lam sorry I am sor I apologize. In rel le, ody enough, when Iam fly arake and out sn about, i Teateh someone's eye, I quickly lok away. Perhaps this too isa form of apology. Perhaps tis is ‘he form apologies take in reali, In real ifthe look ing away isthe apology, daspite the fact thet wher | look away T almost always feel ult, 1 do not fel as ‘fT have apologized. Instead I fel a5 iT have created reason 10 apologize, Ifel th guilt of having ignored ‘hat thing—the encounter: could have nodded, Ieould ‘nave smiled without showing my teeth In some small, ‘way [could have wordlesly said, Ie you seeing me And Lspologize for not knowing why fam alive. Fam omy. Lam sorry. apologize. Afterwards, aftr !have Tooled aay, I never fel as IT can say, Look, lok at me again so that I can see you, 50 that I ean scknow ‘edge that Ihave seen you, so that I can see you and spologize. A frond fells me this son: She goes to # bathhouse fn Los Angeles and sees an eld woman with an idnti- ‘cation number on er arm. The markings begin with the eter 8 1 saw her concenteation-camp number an that istered with the eter A. My cousin has the same one, So sad, "My cousin was inthe same concentration camp as you usc” 1 was in Auschwt, but how did you know? Because ofthe. Ieturns othe A’ eolision with Ausehwit is puro eo incidence, The A inthe Identification number stands for the German Word for worker-orbitr. ‘You thing the A stands for locaton, butt stands for function, ‘what my frend wanted to communicate 19 me about that conversation was that “Frieda Berger end 1 had rates; makes me thnk of the last line of that movie Secrets and Lies: "This isthe ie" be Be a eas rT et ag ae ee ad Cate BE epee oe 1 don't usually talk to strangers, but iis four otek. and lant get a cab. need cab because Ihave pack: ‘ges, but its four o'clock und al he cabs ar af dy. “They are making shift change. Ar the bus stop 1585, ls hard to get a cab now. The woman standing next ‘0 sme glances over without turning her head. Sho faces ‘he street where cab after ab drives by ith ts ight Of. She says, a5 if to anyone, I hard to live now. 1 dort respond, Hers isan Operation Iraqi Freedom an ‘ser The war i on and the Departinent of Homeland Security has decided we have an elevated national threat level, a code-orange alert. I could say some- thing, but my packages are geting heavier by the rinute and besides, what is thereto say since rhetor ically’ not about our oi under thor sd but about Ireeing Tags fom Iraqis and Osama is Saddam and ‘Sacidam is “that man who trie to kill my father” and ‘the weapons of mags destruction ae, wel, invisible nd Aghsnistan i traq and Ieeq Is Syria and we see ‘ourselves only through our own eyes and the British, bt not the French, end Germany won't and Turkey ‘wont jon us But he coalition inside Baghdad where fhe fture the teat the Americans Fel they can cape though there is no escaping the Amerians be cenuse war, tis war, is about peace: “The war in Iraq Js really about peace, Trying fo make the world more peaceful This vieory tn rag, when it happens, will fake the world more peaceful” Ine In the elevator the yellow ibn ted tothe flowerpot in te front ofthe building is under discussion, Nick, the super, ied yellow ribbon but dint da the fag thing. This distinction s not last on anyone, The lw yer in 5B says the super should be careful he dosstt Jose his job. My let eyebrow lis, but the lawyer does not noice, Ae doos not see ihe does not receive egal ‘Tile PHARMACEUTICAL MANUFACTURERS ASSOCIATION OF SOUTH AFRICA ALCON LABORATORIES (5.4) (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED SAVER (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED BRISTOLMYERS SOUIBD (PROPRIETARY) LED BVK MADAUS (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED ELILILLY (SOUTH AFRICA) (PROPRIETARY) LINED, (GLAXO WELLCOME (SOUTH AFRICA) (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED HOECHST MARION ROUSSEL LIMITED INGELHEW PHARMACEUTICALS (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED JANSSEN-CILAG PHARMACEUTICA (PROPRIETARY) LIMTTED, KNOLL PHARMACEUTICALS SOUTH AFRICA (PROPRIETARY) LMKTED LUNDBECK SOUTH AFRICA (@ROPRIETARY) LIMITED. [MERCK (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED uso (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED NOVARTIS SOUTH AFRICA (PROPRIETARY) UMITED Novo NORDISK (PROPRIETARY) untreD PHARMACIA & UPJOHN (PROPRIETARY) LANTED RHONE-POULENG RORER SOUTH AFRICA (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED ROCHE PRODUCTS. (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED SSCHERING (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED ‘ScHERING-PLOUGH (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED ‘S.A. SCIENTIFIC PHARMACEUTICALS. (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED ‘STHKLINE BEECHAM PHARMACEUTICALS, (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED UNIVERSAL PHARMACEUTICALS (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED | WYETH (PROPRIETARY) UNITED. XA PHARMACEUTICALS (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED ‘2ENECA SOUTH AFRICA (PROPRIETARY) LIMITED BAYER AG BOEHRINGER INGELHEIM INTERNATIONAL Gmbét BOEHRINGER NGELHEIM KG [BRISTOL-¥YERS SQUIBB COMPANY YK QULDEN LOMBERG. ‘CHEMISCHE FABRIK GmbH ELILILLY AND COMPANY HOFFMANN ROCHE AG MERCK KGsA MERCK & co, NC. [RHONE-POULENC RORER S.A “SUITHKLINE BEECHAM ple \WARNER-LAMBERT COMPANY ‘rover breakfast the NewYork Times is barely vstle hheneath the boxes of cereal, juice, and mill, but be eause I have been waiting for this day without re alizing I was waiting, I see the story at first glance: Prosident Mbek har decided antrteoirals wil be ‘made avilable to the five millon South Afieans in- fected by the HIV views My body relaxes. My shoulders fallback. I had not known that my distress at Mbes's previous position against istrbetion ofthe drugs had physically lodged itself ike a views within me Before Mek thine drug companies filed sui in onder prevent South Africas manufacture of generic [AIDS drugs, Possible trade sanctions were threatened, “Then President Clinton did sn about-face and the suit wns dimised, Butike an absurdist dream, Moki Stood betwoen the now avallable drugs and the dying. 1 is not posible to communicate how useles, how mich ikea skin Sack of useossness I fl. am bet- ter than thou art new: Zam a fo the foo! said, Hos. fart nothing. Is she dead? Is be deed? Yes, they are ‘ead, One observes, ono recognizes without being recognized. One opens the paper. One turns on the television. Nothing changes. My lstess grows Into nothing. Thou at nothing, ber Such distros moved in with matcle and bone I en trance by necessity slowly translated my already rel toto tremendously exhausted hope. The tala ‘ccured unconsciously, pers occured simply be- use am alive, The translation acute a6 «for of Ii, Then ile, which seoms 20 fll of wating, evaes suddenly nt aif of top ie Lites form of hope? you are hopeful Maybe hope is tho same as breath—part of ‘what it means tobe human and alive. ‘Or maybe hoping isthe same as wating ean be fle, Walting for what? Fora iter begin am here ‘And Fam sil lonely. cai ‘Then all ie isa form of waiting, but i is the wait- ‘ng of loneliness One wai 1 reeagize the ater 10 se the other a6 one ses the self Levinas writes, “The subject who speaks is situated in relation to the other. ‘This privilege of che other eeasaso be incomprehens ble once we admit that the first fact of existence fsb ther being in tslf nor beng for tse but being forthe other, in ocher words, that human existence is a ere ture. By offering word, the subject puting himself forward lays himself open and ina sease, prays.” 20 ‘when she comes toward me I stiff. But it's all ght Tes nothing. The pamphlet says in bold letters, BE: LIKE JESUS. Because I was Brought up ehis way, | vat ta blocks before tasing it Be your ovn Chris. Vil remember that or t remember that. As if it were & ‘soul memory, Lsay alu to Neo be ke Jesus. Tam on sy way home from seeing The Matrix Reloaded, The ‘im’ superhero, Neo, cant save anyone; Morpheus will have to have another dream: the one in which ‘ration narstives are passé the one in whieh people live no mater what you éseam; the ope In which people die no matter what you dream: oF no mater ‘what, you dream— Because the foundations for loneliness begin in the

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