Regain My Boldness ; One Fun Thing to Start

24/3/2023

Today was a very dreadful day at the beginning, but it is a shimmering day at the end. I am so
happy because today I regain my boldness to get what I want. I met my teacher who is
anesthesiology specialist to tell him about my dream and ask him for advice. I did a crazy thing 3
days before, that I decide to send him an unusual message. I was so overthink at that time about
my goal in life. I want to have a goal that I want to achieve, and I always try to find out what
makes me happy yet still linier with my profession and ofcourse with my life’s goal. I think that I
already found it but there’s still so much doubt to decide wheter I’d struggle for it or not. My
dream now is like cross the barrier of medical doctor life pattern. I started to realize that I need a
professional who have many more experience than me to tell me that it’s okay, or it’s not.

So I decide to message my teacher, not for coass stuff but for asking him what I have to do for
my interest and passion. It’s actually a simple thing to do, but believe me in medical life it’s very
crazy. Because we have very rigid seniority, and its hard to be in discussion about life stuff with
our teacher. But thanks God who let me watched TEDTalk video that morning, wkwk.. the
speaker said that one thing that we should not to forget is : a quick way to be success is by using
our boldness (kenekatan/urakan/ect). So i just asked my self at that time, why don’t I just back to
what I used to be? A bold girl who have no fear for doing unusual things? So right at that time I
decide to do the first step ; I have to ask a professional to give me advice and to support and give
me validation that it’s a right thing to do. Yes I know we should to catch our dream without
asking someone wheter it is a good dream to achieve or not. But in this case, I just want to make
sure that it doesn’t cross the barrier of professional things..

I build up my courage and I’ve to decide who should I ask them for advice? Then I decide to
contact one of my teacher, he is specialist doctor in anesthesiology, and he is the chief of
Lampung Anesthesiology Association. Do I want to be an anesthesiologist? Of course not wkwk.
I choose to ask him because his big interest on books. I know some books he read and I know if
he read that kind of things he will not be judging person and he will undertand the context that I
want to explain about my dream. So i send him a message, I said to him that I contact him
because I need to discuss about a book and it related to my dream. You know what happen after
that? He ask me to meet him in office so we can dicuss about it more. What a privilege!

And today is my day. But what happened in the morning make me couldn’t think about setting a
good topic to talk. Yeah I have a topic, but i thought that maybe it is not that important for him. I
started to overthink again. I questioned my decision to ask him for help. Why i disturb him just
for my unimportant topic? Why I make him spare his precious time just for listening me talking
aimlessly? Why I talk about this basic life things to important person like him? And when the
time were getting close, I just feel nevous and don’t know what to say. What a shame!

But I just convice myself that everything will be okay (instead that’s the only thing I can do), its
impossible to reject the plan because he himself who ask for meeting. So before 1 pm I waited
him in front of his office and ofcourse I cant think anything. Not long after that, he came and just
greet me so friendly. Thanks God it calms me down. So he ask me to sit down and he said “so
what will we dicuss now?”

Oh my God. I just said “mmm.. mmmm..” hahahah , “… mm..No, Doctor, I am just seeking a
mentor for give me guidance for my career and personal growth. Now I want to set my goal so i
can prepare to get it from now. I tried to find my interest in this field, and I think I’ve found it.
But I’m just not sure is it okay for a doctor to pursue that goals? Or is there any legal institution
that offer course in this field?” I took the book that explain about it and I gave it to him. He
opened the book and said “can you explain it to me? Is it about mind-body medicine?”

I explained to him that it is not only about mind-body medicine, but it try to going further than it.
It’s a perspective to see a disease from 5 subtle bodies which is the higher body will propagate to
lower body including physical body. It is not about alternative medicine whice separate itself to
conventional medicine. It’s a perspective to integrate the healing procces so it can be more
effective. I tried to explain to him about that book althought its hard for me to just open my
mouth wkwk . I told him further that it has correlation with acupuncture principe and other
traditional Chinese medicine, and also it related to Yoga, psycology, ect but still see
conventional medicine which is focus in physical body as a field that include in the healing
procces.
He noded and told me more about that topic based on his knowledge, that’s so precious to
discuss this topic with anesthesiologist specialist which is for me, its highly physical-centered
medicine. He told me many things about other perspective about medicine all around the world.
And after that I just asked him, “is it an abstract idea? Or is it a concept that can be applied? Is it
worth pursuing concept?”

He said, “Yes you can develop it. Now its area that only few people delve into it.”, nothing can
define my feeling at that time. I tried to make sure , “really? Is it okay for me to pursue that
dream? Doesn’t it cross the line? Can I learn and apply it in medical practice?”. He answered ,
“Yes, ofcourse, you can use your own style and your own metodh for a doctor. Malpractice is
something different from it.”

At that time, I feel like I already find the answer, and I am ready to set it as my destination. Its
been a long time since I found that I fall in love with that subject, but I always doubt and don’t
know how to make best decision. I realized that I just wait an experienced one to discuss and
confirm that I still stay on track, althought he said that ‘if you read more than you will take the
decision without someone else. If you read more , then you will not have any fear to follow your
inner call’. You know, that’s so valuable for me because I’ve set my mind since I went to
medical school that I have to follow this rigid pattern. But what I got today is just set me be free,
as I used to be.