am a teacher.

Spend enough years in education and you tend to notice things – some
hilarious, some unspeakable and some absolute nailed-on certainties. One of those certainties
is that dads up and down the country, all over the world, probably even in other galaxies, are
all the same. Or, if not exactly the same, easily classified according to certain types, which all
stem from the same place.

You see, mums carry the baby for nine months and women’s bodies physically change. They
grow with the child. Men – dads – do not. They go from being children to being children with
children. They grow up, with the child. It means that fatherhood is not a job you interview
for, it is one you just happen to find yourself in, with absolutely zero training.

One of the new responsibilities that fatherhood entails is the school drop-off. While teachers
are marking your children’s homework, we are always assessing you, too. When it comes to
the curriculum, the drop-off is a test of skill that few dads have mastered. These fathers,
however, are themselves sons and the ancestors of warriors, soldiers and leaders. Centuries
have past, but the same rules apply, and men still have the evolutionary urge to win, to thrive
while exerting minimal effort.

Below are five archetypes you might recognise from your own panicked morning routine.
Maybe you are one of them. Perhaps you never really know yourself until you’ve left your
kids at the school gate.

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01.

The flash

Is it a bird, is it a plane, is it… We’re not sure, because this dad goes almost unseen. We
know the drop-off can be a faff. After you’ve remembered it’s PE day, or World Book Day,
and that overdue library book from two years ago, it’s a wonder you have time to remember
the child. The flash is not a superhero, more a time-efficient mastermind. This dad tends to
stay outside the school gates. A subtle wave or thumbs up is the only acknowledgement
necessary. After that, he’s gone. Like a fart when a Tube train goes past. Never to be seen or
heard from again.

02.

The drill sergeant

Battle stations, people. This is not a false alarm. The drop-off can be a war zone. The noise,
the onslaught of people, the crying. This dad is on top of that. Every move is strategically
thought out to minimise complications. The child is well drilled, too. This dad tends not to be
a first-timer and this process is a product of trial and error. No tears, no small talk, no man
left behind. (Well, except the child.) For a teacher, the drill sergeant is a key asset. In not
wanting to waste his own time, he ends up not wasting yours. It’s a win-win.