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ASSERT YOURSELF
Reponse Styles
Some researchers have typically noted four different response styles and suggest that we tend to
behave consistently from one of these style: Aggressive, Passive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive.
The chart below outlines what you might see with each:

PASSIVE-
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE
Non-verbal Shrugging Clenched jaw and Can look like Makes eye
Sighing muscles either aggressive contact
Looking away Leaning into or passive, or Open body stance
personal space even assertive Relaxed
Arms crossed

Verbal “Whatever.” “This is your “It would be a “The way I

“It doesn’t really fault!” shame if your understand the
matter.” “You’d better do hard work went to situation…”
this!” waste.” “There’s
“I’m warning “Oh, no. Don’t something on my
you…” worry about me. mind.”
I’m sure I’ll make “I hear what
do, somehow…” you’re saying.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’d like to see if
Forget about it.” we can find a
solution.”
Characteristics Avoids conflict Angry/Belligerent Resentful Speaks up for
Lacks confidence Threatening/ Uncommunicative self-concerns
Hopeless about Hostile Ostensibly Listens to and
effecting change Sarcastic/Blaming agreeable, but respects others’
Demanding internally upset concerns
Looks for a win-
win solution

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Transactional Analysis in Communication

Eric Berne suggests that we all have 3 ego states learned through our upbringing: parent, child and
adult. Our adult behaviors develop later in life so our usual response is typically a parent or child
reaction. When we communicate with others we can be aware of the state we are using and make
adjustments to make our communication more effective. Here is a chart to help you identify the
different ego states:

Recognize Behavior Modes in Communications

Words Manner of Non-verbal

Attitude
frequently used speaking language
Parent Concerned “I care” Supporting Hugs others
(Nurturing) Consoling “It’s okay” Comforting Pats on back
Sympathetic “It will get better” Reassuring Touches arm
Parent Self-righteous “You” Terse Points finger
(Controlling/ Opinionated “…be like others” Demanding Crosses arms
Critical) Judgmental “Shouldn’t” Demeaning Stares
“Don’t”
“That’s ridiculous”
Child (Natural) Independent “I can’t” Rude Uncontrolled
Temperamental “I don’t want to” Emotional Rambunctious
Uninhibited “Ha-ha” Ad-libbing Impulsive
Child (Adaptive) Submissive “Yes sir/ma’m” Conforming Sulking
Self-conscious “I always screw Remorseful Apprehensive
Resentful things up” Defiant Rigid
“Make me”
Adult (Rational) Candid “As I understand Direct Reserved
Responsible it….” Relevant At ease
Realistic “When, what….” Even-keeled Alert
“According to the
facts, data….”
APA Source: Berne, E. (1972). What Do You Say After You Say Hello. Grove Press.

TIP Visit www.ericberne.com and

https://www.itaaworld.org/what-
transactional-analysis to learn more
about the work of Dr. Berne and
Transactional Analysis.

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Make Your Communication Positive

When you communicate with others it’s best to frame your questions and/or responses
from the logical, fact-oriented or fact seeking adult ego state. Here are some ways to
do this:

When you have to confront others, try saying

z “We have a problem. Let’s see if…. “ (solve problems)

z “Let me tell you my problem…. “ (give information)

z “I understand that you can help me…. “ (check in)

z “I feel upset. I just found out….” (disclose)

When you are confronted, try responding

z “Let’s see if we can solve your problem….” (solve problems)

z “Can you tell me more….” (information seeking)

z “Let me see if I understand you….” (check in)

z “I think I understand how you feel…” (diffusing)

Adapted from: Pfeiffer, J. (1981). A Handbook of Structured Experience for Human Relations, Vol. VIII. University Associates.

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Reflect
Think of some situations at work where you have heard critical or judgmental comments. Write the
statement you heard and then write a rational reply, either as a question or a statement.

Statement:

Reply:

Statement:

Reply:

TIP Start small: pick one area to focus your attention, like your body
language or controlling emotional responses. Ask someone you trust to
help you improve in this area and give them permission to tell you when
you need to make a modication, and then, practice the change with
them. You can find more ideas to help you at

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/
assertive/art-20044644 or http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/
Assertiveness.htm.

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