Scribd Logo
Upload

Welcome to Scribd!

  • Nuts UK - The 500th Issue

    Uploaded by

    Jason Snape
    2K views95 pages

    Copyright

    © © All Rights Reserved

    Available Formats

    PDF or read online from Scribd

    Did you find this document useful?

    Is this content inappropriate?

    Report this Document

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
    Flag for inappropriate content
    2K views95 pages

    Nuts UK - The 500th Issue

    Uploaded by

    Jason Snape

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
    Flag for inappropriate content
    of 95
    basta etvits Nut b Die TSS op pre fee #GETLEAN Bie) ai -ile] Ps aa CET CM aur) eRe (ace pe toi( KE coe PCT Lele Re) se CL eg os Psy (al sree) See ae Eee) Sista gaa se StL) Runa Pel) Monsrersuppuements.coM” ——— vi Orc KY oe POT EST ta 9 Pet seem ig PRLS Lito) THIS W IN ru ite Nuts TineT eG it co 500th issue Se fecal "> mtn 20 cnr British football statues idelopaiieedbapeaets # & she'd only just heard the news = about 01 Canio Man poos down chimney! eee SE] Fenhtrarre—ryea ide es madness! einer ae Hae sonrwonaceary arene ~ a luts Gear TO READ! a ad i, . 7 . v a i = weed Oe a | REGULARS ne , Don't Look Pub Ammo Sebastian Vettel i 1 a = — NUS E peters Lowes ora doy none come Tne ute iperesder | DEARREADERS, ’ BIRGTOR TAH Tis week Nuts reaches an increible milestone = its 500th \ Tr and the whe team woul ke to sa @ aR | you tothe people who rave made i POssle = you! FOOTAGE POSTED _— men ahs 4 ~ Laas a BU BLANKENSHIP Bn A quick word with Karl Pilkington The moaning baldy on dog poop, Japanese pornography and his brand-new show! Hi Karl! Your new series s called The Moaning of Life. Do you ever not moan? T think most people are used to seeing people grinning on TV, or people erying because they're so happy. tm not one ‘of those people who go on a “journey” then ery. There's none of thae sh*t here. Every Aipping programme now someone has a new garden and they're erying. If you need erying in somethin it means it's sh't. Suddenly, you've gor someone bei He's miserable” No, Pm not. I'm normalt Aren't you ust atiny bit on the “moany” side of normal? I did moan a lot on Idiot Abroad but after it was over T realised the memories of ic were quite good. It was the same with this one, It was just something different itwasn’t about staying in shy hotels, i's about diffe ent topics. There's one con marriage, one on kids, ‘one on happiness, ane on Death, eh? Sounds jolly. Tes funny, even before I got job on Sky, always wanted to do a programme about death. I'm just interested in it, [think about death alot usually at night in bed when Tm nodding off It ealms me down. Like how some people ‘count sheep, that just doesn’t work for me. I'm never sure if it’s the same sheep and then another animal will come in and stress me out, $0 it ke mie awake, Se I stopped doing that and think about death instead. Ie sort af puts me av ease. In the death episode I Ghana. Ikhnew there was goin to be adead body in the room but its odd, the way they treat death aver there, it's like the biggest party of your life, only xyou can't appreciate it. mm not sure what Sky think though, They're probably thinkin Hang on. programme the bakers 10 my first-ever funeral in we normally show about Greggs Atthe other end of the scale, you 90 to a sperm bank in Japan, What was that lke? twas funny because I knew when I got up that day, [was going to get my sperm tested, bur when the time eame thae’s proper pressure. There's 1 camera erew outside, there's a doctor, it was his last job of the day, he didnt want to be hanging around... | really hhad to go av itt Crikey. Did they give you any naughty material o “help”? Yeah, they give you stuff DVDs, magazines. It's funny because the doctor put on a DVD and said, “Ah, 'm sorry, itl be in Japanese.” I was Tike, don't need to follow the But what he meant is that over there, rude films are all pixelated so you can't sce anything. So that’s what he was apologising for ‘After the Baghe WME ht, God wasn't quite what Dave was expe ‘Will you dare watch the episode on marriage with your girlfriend Suzanne in case she ‘wants you to propose? No. When you've got Sky. ‘there are loads of channels so there's always something ‘else t0 watch. She's goin soe it one day. I can’t worry about it. Pye been with her for 20 years. She knows ‘You do refer to her as “plump” at one point. Probably best she doesn’t see that, eh? is she’s not unhealthil she wont be offended by that. When I said that word, mean like MeCutcheon. | think she’s a healthy-looking woman. You also go toa pheromone party, where you decide if you fancy someone by smelling their clothes. Tenjoyed that pheromone party. I think it’s quite a good way of mecting people. If someone stinks, you can't live with them, ean you That's the end oft, When you've got dogsh*t on your sh cant think about anything else, It doesn't matter if they re eeally good lookin You're constantly thinking, “You "king stink. ‘Thanks, Karl. There's an episode on happiness, too, What does make you happy? Loads of things. Right before I went away on the happiness len, Twas trip, L was sat inthe g iewas a sunny d Chinese motorway madness! | WHEN So when the block’ D> Cine residents - who'd only authorities moved in a few months started Bil BAY before. alter being ne mOTOrW rehoused to build a park Shaanxi province in ~ refused to budge, they ‘Westem China, they just thinned the road Drestimed they'd simply ‘down to half the lanes steamroller the blocks of and squeezed it through isin ts way and have rlless. Compromise icp in awe: alive and well in China! ‘cutting my toenails, Thad omething you do when ed out isit, Pve arr Twas painting a dress table, today I was pucting some blinds up. You think, “Lid that today.” It gives youa purpose, I don't like sitting around. Like the time Twas cutting my toenails Ik shows that L wasnt siting around doing nothing, Iwas & mukitaskin Prower looked both ways before cros Hmm, the drive te work is quiet to Its Saturday! Dror =| © Some believe there’sno finer outfit that has plicked the four-wheeledtransportthan DNA from a 1967 Ford ly aclassic American muscle Mustang fastoack a’68 and car. We don’t have a time machine, but luckily, Equus 9 has saved us the trouble drunner for the 77 because the Yank marque You only need to look at the has created a modern, price tag (£156,700 gets you Iurous~yetretorlookng onthe waltinaishtoaet muscle car! “homagets that geldenera—theuncbtle hint that this ivesvestietiineroes,—enotanoteneshltet Weeateatneten 70, The Bats 770 body spe Socainte nmi more'60s Meson eames Thamanythng, vt wth rechoon Eanes ‘binocular hop ont ut of my ways only ten minutes before Toravay vs Mansfield kicks of bumper reminiscent of 2°70 Plymouth Roadrunner, lights/grille Inspired by a "70 Plymouth Barracuda and, atouch of Eleanor Mustang thrown in for good measure. ts bodyshell has been formed from aluminium and features bon fibre structural parts, a tubular eleton. Undemeath is als very aluminium, keeping weight down and formance in the bench-pressing wo f muscle motor ‘© By using an aluminium 6.2-litee VB (apparently from a new Camaro) complete with supercharger and pleasingly old-school manual gearbox, the big numbers are 640bhp, 605ib/ft, a 0-60 in only 3.4 ‘and 200mph tops. Those are closer to supercar stats than anything American with old-school looks. Easy now to see why this mutant muscle car comes wearing carbon ceramic Brembo brakes in each corner. © Unlike the lary that inspired it, the t shy auay from nology to help you st from ditches, Standar features on the Bass 770 include m ti control (as used in Ferraris and the Audi R6 tive handling system and variable-ratio orts power steer whip a Lambo Gallardo t and even likes comer © The Bass 770 serves up another shock with an interior far from the old days of bare-bones sticky black vinyl and crap dash plastic It takes the muscle car brief and positively drenches itn luxury. ft that naff faux se metit. And that KeSha Losing a contact lens is ‘bad enough, but when someone Instagrams you in the middle of the road ‘while you're looking for it {and your trousers have just fallen down! Well Tuts! Zissman Tums out staying on the UK press agenda is a relatively simple process. Natalee Harris with a lingerie shoot, The best kind of celebration, Tulsa Itaeems that beng dropped from The X Factor and ongoing legal troubles work wonders for a lady. Tulsa looks incredible. More bad luck, please! Helen Flanagan } Ths how ladles usualy put their make-up on, of » @ morning, right? Right? 5) 7 Bar Refaeli This saucy grin makes us think: what kind of cheeky vajazzle is Bar about to reveal? Wayne Rooney smoking a fag? TOWIE's Joey Essex with a rmohican? This is exciting! Paley Jamie ai this saucy shoot to.remind us that her show Magaluf Weekender is back on ITV2, Take note, Microsoft Outlook, with . your bering old bongs, Fon 8 Be on’t look! ' The page that makes yOu 90, ‘Eurgh? ‘My finger was pointing the other way!’ stop shining tat ore onmyenar ee 22 nuts dontlook @ipemedia.com p) ML LT a av ae. om \ Your Letters! p= He’s i the whiff of Griff! Teas a revolutionar } new piles treatment 0¥S Cheers, rears! ba Dear Nuts, Here's apicof my dad. believe Lire ’s a dead ringer for Fami Sram an | cco Issue! And thanks . for taking my AYRUL IGE ~~ We believe you're right! Stealth Bumming Idea and making iin gba Cold in the Tonwetcn hole! ae, comer Don’t pur that in your popt The resurrection of Chrys! Ps Dear Nuts, ee It’s me, John Chrysanthou, star of John ECE ECUGrey CChrysanthou Corner. Thanks for making EOE me famous and happy 500th issue! crt JOHN CHRYSANTHOU No worries, John! Ifyou've bothered UR any more celebs lately, send us pics! Se Head pool! ; Dear Hus, fanucbieartcats Rovers v Burney. Who takes Spodalingpoottoamateh? i canwesrwe ould bea god sare po = Bags and. hags of cracking segs! - AMAN discovers he's going to inherit When his sickly father dies To celebrate fortune Se eae b re vf JOKE OF THE WEEK! mis ve, and he knows it sorhe bowls up to her and says: "Honey, I may look COCKNEY DAVE is doing really wellon Who Wants To Be Millonaire. He's got £125,000 and still has all dre liflins left. 1 Chris Tarrant says, “For £250,000 which of the Dont felony ie following was one of the Great Train Rol tthe woman . He’s Was it A) Ronnie Biggs? B) Ronnie Corbett ©) cae been offered a role in nepave sake the ene: Cs three days ter she a new TV show about Tarrant replies, “Are you sure? You've still footballers and got three lifelines left i pave says, Tm sure, Chris” . comedians. It’s called marane ie bur before you go, would Fr Fascists And Giggles! you like to know the already know the answer, Chris, Jor wo, my father and Iilinherit 20 i becomes his stepmother ‘Tarrant replies, “Huh? You tured down \ a quarter ofa million quid. Are you mental? { “Lmay be mental says Dave, “but least Iain a no Pking grass! seratchings™* Man United's start to the season proves they're a one-man team. Unfortunately, that man retired last season! aCe You know what | like about constipated people? They don’t give a crap! Ifa leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back? A YOUNG couple are making love in the woods one night. He says, "I wish [had a toreh, ‘beautiful body you've been lil she replies, “I wish you had a torch too geass for the last hour!” Filthy habit! MOTHER SUPERIOR Louis CK: + “1 finally have Stewart Francis: the body “lsawaTV | want. It’s show on how easy. You ships are kept just have to together. want a really Riveting!” sh*tty body!” Ahmed Ahmed: “| went to the airport to check in and they asked what | did because | ” looked like a terrorist. | said | was a comedian. They said, ‘Say something " funny then.’ | told them I’d just \ 4 graduated from flying school!” Colin Ramone: ff George Ryegold: “We have our “Pornography is own local often frowned version of Big upon, but that’s Brother round only because I’m my way. It’s concentrating!” called jail!” keep themselves in business. 'm not sure this Is the best way to attract customers!” 1 W Chinese restaurant in Australia. Fuku, too! Text ‘Nuts’ and your picture to 0771388 8008 ets are free but standard network charges ‘apply. Pic OF The Week"= ‘wins £100 cash! Terms ‘& conditions on page 74 “Ifound this pack of oda spaghetti in Kabul. “A meerkat giving t to a goose in a shop window in Sheffiela! My mate Shaun's doday dead saling enthusiast tat!" THIS WAY FOR... 5 Nuts Legends Arnie & Sly! Our Boob-tastic 500th Issue Party! Nuts Cover Staisy -: DANICA THRALL - Celebrate our sexiest-ever pin-ups! \ =: j JESSICA-JANE CLEMENT wg cl 3 a = a o x = = = og = i =4 ROSIE JONES 2 SOPHIE HOWARD Nats sits ly with a pair of Hollywood heroes to chat about theirnew film! = = o> a Se ello gents! First off, tellus about yournew flick Escape Plan. it sounds awesome! Sly: Itist | play a guy whose job i is to break (out of prisons and test their weaknesses, but he winds up imprisoned for real in the imate maximum security prison, Arnold plays the leader of the inmates and together we figure out something pretty extraordinary, That's where the intrigue ‘of our escape plan begins! This is the first time you two have shared top billing. What made this movie ripe for pairing up? Sly: After Iread the script I knew Escape Plan was the one. The most important thing when planning a movie ~ wine are the players? Who's gonna be your competition and your antagonist and ‘eventually yous bualdy in this thing? Arnold, of course! When he complied, itas green icimmediately. There was noone else considered, he was the guy ‘Arnie: For me i was all about the chance towork with sly. We were trying for ddceades to make a movie together and finally we found the right story. Yes, wwe did Expendables but this was starring, alongside each other throughout the Whole movie ‘So what kind of weird films were you two offered that didn’t make the grade? Sly: They'd bring us things where weld dress up as girls and there were bickering neighbours and weld have arguing pets. I go, “This is not working s0 I said, "Why dan't we be two creepy inmates when we're 20 years past our prime? There’ a good idea!” And chat’. Where we are, But it turned out great. Tes fantastic, We found a new prime! When you work together, is there some sort of “ultimate bromance” thing going ‘on? What's your relationship like? Sly: Were very competitive and everything we've accomplished in our lives has been through struggle and ‘overcoming the adds because we're {ust not willing to settle for second best Rarely do you get two personalities like this working together. We're just a couple of old warhorses and more than a litte alpha territorial! + Who edges it in the competitive stakes? ‘Arne: Inthe 0s when the Action genre really got going Iran into Sly one time and said, "In Commande 1 killed move people than you did in Rambo” And sly says, “Absolutely not! [killed 97 and you killed 931" Bur I was defiant telling him “next movie, I'm gonna kill more than you" but he told me he'd be killing more than a hundred so 1d never catch up! ‘This is how it went... Who has more muscles? Who has the biggest guns? ‘Who can kill che most people ‘Surely the only way to settle this is Rambo versus Commando? Sly: You mean together? Me and him? Do you think he would do it@ Hmm. ‘Commando and Rambo. Why not? ‘They're almost the same guy! There's loads of funny moments in Escape Plan. Who's better at playing for laughs? ‘Sly: I have to defer to Arnold on this one because he really developed action comedy and the use of humour in very «dramatic situations... My characters? Rambo isnot exactly a bal of laughs, is he? Rut humour defuses the violence and lets the audience know nor to take it too seriously and that its not intended tw be mean spirited ~ it's just escapist, ‘Arnie: Yeah, there’ one very intense moment where I'm getting busy with a big gun wiping out all the bad guy’s guards on the top of the prison but I've got my smirk on my face and the ‘deadpan line to deliver. And the buddy thing kicks in because Sly is caming up from the water and I'm handing him a gun and killing more people Sly: He's being modest. He invented the ‘one-liner, “Il be back!” That's one of his major contributions. They didn't have those before. ‘We must ask you about The Expendables 5. How awesome is it to be working with ‘the likes of Harrison Ford? Sly: I's fantastic! I've told the director [Patrick Hughes) not to approach this as ‘continuation bur as an original. With Mee UU ‘the young Expendables in this film we've taken abit ofa gamble. Only ‘one of them has acted efiare but the rest are world-class athletes, world champions... ut hey have something you can't manufaeture whether you go to aeting school or just walk around with a bunch ‘of bluff and bravado ~ they have fire in their gut. Plus we got Mel Gibson, Nic Cage, Wesley Snipes and Jackie C Just a few stars, then! Arnie, how's it going getting back intoit all? ‘Arnie: In this film there's a yeeat ‘combination of new talentand a great sense of humour. For instance Ive just done a scene with Jet Liwhere he disarms this guy and pulls, his guns out shooting five people so fast couldn't see the moves. I'm trying to follow how he des it but this must be the fastest guy around! To have that kind of martial arts talent and use it ‘with weapons and then leap down steps to take guys out - it’s so quick! Bringing: ‘this many action stars together with ‘competing styles is awesome. Besides kicking butt on screen, have you ‘got much in common when the camera's ‘off? Do you watch box-sets together? Sly: We're both Austrian, We've both been Mr Olympia seven times. And he's ‘wearing my suit. Arnie: We're both into the body, the muscles, the acting, art, painting, family. ~ all of those kind of things. He's more talented when it comes to the art, even though I paint and draw, but he's really talented...And we have the same accent. 19? Art? Are the days of the old- ‘school action hero numbered? Sly: Let's just say it’s fading away.. So ‘we wanted to see how far we could push this genre because these days you've got superheroes who can blink and fireball comes out! Then you have a bunch of _guys like us going one-on-one, making ‘as real as can be... which is ust your bbasie male pattern badness! ‘Thanks forthe chat, guys. Final, t's our 500th issue, st stems fitting to have 2 couple of proper Nut legends nthe Imag. How does that fel? Syz Wel thanks for choosing ws as your Iegends The svar yo gave ne up there with my Oscar for Rocky! 9% (© Excane Panis cinemas nationwide trom Friday 18 October ruts 39 It’s Nuts’i' 50 Funniest © Moments! 500 issues of mayhem, mirth-making and mucking about! We sent world darts champ Andy Fordham, with a giant dartboard and a Nuts berk to Athens to campaign for “arrers” to be recognised as an Olympic diseipine. it wasn't FROM SEXY shoots to incredible interviews and remarkable reali tales, we've been there, got the T-shirt, then probably blown up the “T-shirt, since Nuts launched in 2004. But one thing we're especially proud of is all the daftness we've dabbled in over the years. So sitback, grab a cuppa and revel in the absurd, the audacious; and he downright silly I's Nuts 50 —er, St funniest moments! you're gonna have tsa special delivery / to Fight me for it~ fora Mr Wishere" It was proper barbecue weather in After the shock revelations that England 4 Nuts’ hapless picture researcher Andy the summer of 2004, so we offered up boss Sven-Goran Eriksson had been Seal accidentally published an unmasked a cow as a competition prize. Tasteless? bonking his PA at the FAs offices, pic of hitherto anonymous SAS hero Andy Not according to the winner, who served we took him a bed to save the Swedish McNabb. Our man then endured weeks of her to his grateful mates! loverman trom pesky carpet burns! japery involving a red dot on his forehead! ‘6 nuts As his fm became a global smash, Borat came in to guest edit the mag. The highlight? ‘When he milked a (male) goat was the lst he “forgot” to leave atipin Pizza Hut i a After the “Pizzagate" incident at Old Trafford, we tested the stress busting’ effects of lobbing pizza at our workie! a st tts is By doy ss, he pub ale’ on the| craw marathon was. other si We started the Ashes sledging off early that summer. In man was at the alport when the Aussies got off the plane with a sign that read “Bar Staff Wanted”, Later in the tour, Aussie star Andrew Symonds turned up drunk for training. Oh, and Australia 2s to Michael Vaughan’s men. Our sledging worked! lost the A “You Just a get the elves these days” Figuring St Nick's transport could do with some updating, we got Tim Westwood to dive ita seeing to. As it were. Apparently Santa thought the resuts were “bitchin. Wake Us up when * one Direction are on ——__ Germans put towels on sunbeds, right? So we bagged our seats for England's World Cup group match against Paraguay in Frankfurt nice and early by putting towels down in the stadium, Take that, Fritz A starting to take its tll our When bedraggled, chemically enhanced singer-songuiter Pete Doherty ofthe Libertines mystfyingly pulled supermodel Kate Moss, despite looking tke a zombie that hadn't eaten for ‘2 week, we thought we'd adopt his ada look and put it to the test at a speed-dating event. Curiously, it worked! pee ‘reat! Enough for one small beer at the hotel bar fv Mr Vegas was filming in Benidorm and invited us to visit, That was the last thing we remember. Thankfully, there was a snapper on hand torecord the antics! tuts 37 "We'te proud to count among our legion of loyal readers many of those brave chaps In the Armed Forces. Back in 2007, realsing that a lot of them would be spending Christmas on the font line, seeing off Saddam in rag, we figured it would beanie gesture to take them some gifts and lovely Nuts babe Lindsey to cheer them up, Dressed as Santa and a seasonal el, of course! twas the only way thelr mother could tell them apart To celebrate the atest of David Beckham's bonkers bamats, we got the guy inthe office wha looks most ike him (yes, believe itor not, that’s not the real Becks in the pictures abovel) to road ‘est some of Goldenballs' most famous dos from down the years Allin one day! Several female members of staff fainted 8 nuts Into submission with our strange western culture!” The Croydon Players went for a “modern” “ ‘After England cricket legend Freddie Fiitott famously had to be rescued from a pedalo while ‘ona bender in the West Indies, we put together ‘a comprehensive guide to show him haw to ‘operate this seagoing craft safely. While drunk. Never again would thei colleagues ask them to make a cuppa ee ‘When Nintendo launched the Wil, with its revolutionary (atthe time) motion-sensitive controller, newspapers claimed hapless gamers were smashing their TV screens with their overenthusiastic ‘arm-swinging, So we tested ane on various household objacts to discover what it could break. The result? It was a lat of fun! When wwe heard that the FA was having a few problems getting Wembley stadium finished because of shoddy workmanship, we sent in a few “cowboy builders" of our own to give them a hand. See what we did there? They dida't need us in the end - the new stadium opened later in the year. ‘Training forthe wheelbarrow race SS was going well & ne \We sent Nuts’ hardest man to go a few rounds with 7 tal, 25 stone Russian heavyweight boxer Nikolai Veluev. There was, only ever going to be one winner... Fortunately, we had a handy shoe box in the office in which to place the seraped-up remains of Nuts man to send back home to his mum, en feared he'd got the wrong magazine 1D we're fortunate enough to count Premier League players, superstar stand-ups and awesome actors among our fans, but we ‘were more Impressed to see our favourite cartoon butfaon Peter Griffin enjaying the mag a few years ago. We had to turn dawn Stowie's requests for Rosie Jones’ phane numiber though. He took the "guess wine tam game It was an email from a reader that sparked ‘our insanely popular weekly feature. Tom Welch, wherever you are, take a bow (so we can pretend to bum you). It was this tattoo on reader Adam Cratch’s forehead that began another Nuts sta When we showed Chris Mintz-Plasse (ho actually played McLovin), he wet his pants. cleaners were 2 bit heavy handed J} Hapiess Nuts designer Nitish Mandalia gleefully ro «a mobility scooter we'd hired fora stunt around our offices, He appeared to have everything under contro, but then everyone heard a crunch that could only mean one thing ~ he'd ploughed it ino the olass wall of an office filled with high-powered suits. Qops! Bruno shunned the usual games consoles, dgatlgets and gizmos of a Christmas aift ‘uid to offer stuff ike, er, "abit of the pillar that Princess Di crashed into", Oot!» ruts 39 wasn't a good time forthe ExcLax to kickin a aa py cenneoreals R09 Hilarious proof, fever it were needed, that sometimes all you need s a daft picture of a bald man in skimpy shorts puling a sly face to cheer up your day. Qur feature on the ridiculous expressions made by competitors at the World Diving Championships still makes us chortle every time we look at it “what's ths 0 ‘Dd roctme wine rue wesrweeNens £7228 The then up-and-coming stars of the Channel sitcom Invited us down to our local for an afternoon of japery. The lads, all had a pint, apart from Simon Bird, who asked to see @ wine list, The big girs bra, He claimed it was because he was stil in character” as the show's geeky Wil "you wanna Maser you better work, itch. Wiork bitch alate 25 zis ewe ore nt coins Our interviews withthe stars don't always run smoothly. Like the time we asked Gordon Ramsay If cooking was a bit girly. His answer? “I've worked f**king hard to get where | am today, so | don’t need litle c**s ike you spoiling it for me.” They love us real “ts 100 per cent ves trom me! seller inthe Manchester area 26 Meee sneer cnazet MARCH 10 ‘When famous types misbehave, Nuts prices itself on being there to make them feel better with a “name and shame" T-shirt range. Anything to help! 0 nuts sty lump on my head? Oh, it's my ear” De erranIEs cow The bonkers, brash Aussie wanted to share his beyonc:-the-pale humour with you lot on a weekly basis, so we signed him up for ‘column to set the werd to rights in 207, 78 canasumarszonn Amazingly, i's been going for two years and we haven't been sued. Nuts: the only magazine where youl see the bloke from MasterChef with his kecks round is ankles. ETE DLR iia ~~ =a The nation gota day off work thanks to ‘Our crooning columnist invited us on his Top pop bloke Example has always been 2 pr ( x Yr going to sue the ‘aimeet oa Nancy dress people dark suanger eh? > for this‘apole out” (Af your enemal PR A sneaky way of asking famous blokes the questions we A se: We sent Nuts blokes Pete and cart get away with in normal interviews, including asking Richard | 20!I's X Factor blessed the Dan to investigate the world of Hammond if he'd rather have his privates massaged with a cheese | world with bum-fashing sex people. We'llnever forget grater or his tongue stapled to. table. His answer? “Tongue. Ike | Frankie Cocozza. We asked the images like this one. Shudder. my privates too much” You don't get that in Radio Times, public to express thoir featings! Q SBRUARY 72 We asked you lt to vote for the 50 funniest gags of Isa chimp! Lighting matches! | ‘Arry Redknapp was alleged to | alltime. Hare's former Nuts columnist Frankie Boyle's gag that Cooking stuff! Can you think have paid bungs tohis bulldog | tapped the polt “Playing for Scotland is an oxymoron. Saying of abetter way tokick off an | Rosie. We spent the day with you're an international footballer for Scotiand is lke being voted Olympic year? Nah, Britain's most pampered pet the most handsome man in the burns unit! » nuts 41 eo sac > ‘When you'te having a bit of a rough day in rainy, miserable April and you're cheered up by a picture of a bobby being bummed bya stallion at Dublin's Smithfield Horse Fair, you know you're reading the right mag. For some reason, our sister publication Horse Houndl didn't think this picture was quite right for them, thie the best sauna in the world even Ta celebrate the reloace of his bang tidy big-screen debut, the top telly bloke asked to take over Nuts towers forthe day. Only problem was, he wouldn't leave! Tight Lycra? Dressing gowns? Looks that were in vogue at the 2012 Olympics. But would they work on our lady-folk? Nuts took to the streets to find out. It was a no. aznuts ‘When we were told American Pie legend Seann William Scott was going to be guest editing the mag, we pulled out all the stops to make him feel welcome, Unfortunately, his people hadn't told him anything about it Cue a very confused-looking bloke suiounded by Nuts berks in fancy dress. MThe sightseers coulda affore I fan open-top bus I FIFA chief Michel Pltin's gaffes have always been worthy of 2 ribbing, but when he decided to impose an absurd £80k fine and cone-match ban on Denmark's Nickias Bendtner for cisplaying his sponsored undies at Euro 2012, we decided ta send a message to him from the British public. pants to you, si! Now lets try itwith Boer hands inthe air. The raunchy royal was in the papers again for being a bit rude with his bals (his billiard balls, that is). Cue a Nuts Karma Sutra special for our priapic prince! Blimey, the snap” In those erackers was abit potent er For our legendary review of the year, we ‘got Ross Kemp in to cook a turkey for Radio V's Danny Howara, Soccer AM's Max Rushden and some bloke from TOW/E] br Who producers denied cutbacks were having an impact ‘When Sony's new console was unvelled in 2a blaze of glory, the bigwigs and boffins mace the bizarre decision not ta show it ‘Cue Nuts’ er, crack team of tech designers. This new hal growth treatment Somatimes, traditions come about by accident. Take the Occasions when Nut is visited by people flogging their wares. When that happens, Nuts bloke Nitish always insists on pulling 2 completely berkish expression and having a snap with them. Keep an eye out for him in the magazine, For the record, that's a wig. Her taxi-allng technique SN ~, O iters are amazinat” _- AEE Some stories are so briliantly bonkers that they need to be fully imagined using the age-old medium of art Like Monty Panesar weeing on a bouncer, for example, In recognition of January being as dull as spanners, Nuts roped in fitie Arabella to front an issue packed with more gags than ever andi Harry Hill being daft! ‘The telly twerp swapped his tracky for @ tutu when he appeared on a Strictly Come Dancing special. OF course, he enlisted ‘Nuts man Rich to help him out. Oh dear. When itturned out the nation had been munching horsemeat, we deployed a Nuts man and a two pantomime animals to find cut f there was anything wrong with i Pap pret stn ber wes nto nets rece fo photobomtang boxing champ Floyd Mayweather before aig Fa, Ween we taal we auc bata fumand hie hi roughout Nas in that se. Ho many Bieber bomb ad you manage to spt? x ruts 45 500th Issue ar 1 — = Sy “I can’t imagine my life without Nuts!” Lucy Pinder cello Lucy! Are you enjoying ‘Nuts* big 500th issue shoot? Tam! Be birthday special, we've lots of eakes and party hats around, whieh has made usall a bitexcitable Which of your fellow birthday boobsters has caught your eye? How group shoots. I's nice to be around people with such massive boobs — Joey and Stacey's boobs are humongous, emakes me feel normalt What's the best thing about shooting for nuts? We always have a that Nuts doesrt take itself too Irs such fun read and it celebrates women, [can't imagine my life without Nuts, le, Love What would be your dream ‘Nuts shoot? Somewhere hot, please. A shoot on a beach, on an island somewhere, with all of the other Nuts gitls would be fur, What's the most extravagant thing you've treated yourself to? Apart from houses and cars, iy biggest purchase is a Chanel handbag, which Hove todeath, | wear it nearly every You're our most popular cover star! What do you remember about your first-ever shoot? Tknow, it's unbelievable! I was so nervous, but ever so nies to me. 1 felt quite pampered all day. I thought ‘OK, Lcouild get used to this!™ Finally, do you have a message for your army of Nuts fans? ‘Thank you for all your support. Nuts is all about fun, and when you're a young chap, there's nothing wrong with enjoying things like pretty girls, fast cars and football. Nuts is perfget for that and it will beep entertain many years to come! » SMES wa read and (3h women!” L> § Lucy Collett | Lucy! i's 500 issues! Worth high five? Ofcourse! Nuts is the best mens . ‘magazine in the world, and it deserves to have racked up such an awesome milestone. I've always wanted to be part of it. What's even more awesome is that you ‘wanted me to be part afi, too. What's your fave bit of Nuts? Tlove Pub Ammo, Ie’ the bit always flick to first. Took at the cover and think, "Yeah, she's fit” Then its straight 10 the back for some facts. 1 like surprising people with random facts like, er. coconuts kill ‘more people than great white iy sharks! That's Pub Ammo gold! ~~ Ace fact! Yo cover star. How does that fel? eel like Pye become part of the Nuts family. t means a lot to me that the readers have taken me to heart. [love ital. AF Fm not getting my boobs out in Nuts, Fm playing games with ‘my boobs out in Nuts. Hachat |. Are you still blown away by how \ sexy the Huts shoots are? Tm always lookingat the other airs, thinking that they look lamasing. Like Rosie today. ‘This fs the fist time we've ever shot together! 've always looked at Rosi, India and Holly as being / the stars of Nuts. so Pve been sncakingga few peckst Does it still feel weird seeing \ yourself on the cover of Britain's biggest-selling men’s weekly? \ Yeah, it does feel odd. do get a recognised loads more now. 1 see people reading Nuts on the train and think, “You could be part of Lucy's train adventures!” Finally, do you have a message “Nuts is the esp in Nt ese best mag in Coun ri yb the world?” Inch eens ‘people, you wouldn't have us SMES Ammo. It’s the bit | always flick to first!” 500TH ISSUE Rosie Jones | Rosie! How are you enjoying today's 500th issue shoot? Ie'samazing! Ies great to think celebrating at's brought a lot ‘of pleasure to millions of guys that we're he Plus we've got to hang out with lots of gorgeous girlst What would you bring to a Nuts shoot i you were in charge? Aleobol! That be amazing, but it might get a bit messy: Plus, I wouldn't be able to drive myself home then, Do you treat your Nuts shoots like big parties then? Ha-ha! Yeah! ‘There's lots of messing around and gossiping and playing little pranks on cach other. Hopefully the fun comics across in the pictures, Did you know that you're one of our top ten cover stars? Really? No way! That's amazing. Nuts has been going for so long, [totally didn't think rd be that popular, but that rakes me feel very special! What's your favourite thing about the nuts world? T'm so lucky because not many people can say they look forward to coming into work. All us Nuts girls have become reat friends. Do people get the wrong Impression about Nuts girs? People have a bit of an image that were stuck up a I out chasing foot ls are happier ha around each other's houses cating pizza oF Nando’! Finally, your party antics are legendary. Are youthe cheekiest of all the Nuts girs? Tve always been accused of that. But the last ime we did a shoot, we were told we werent allowed to get drunk and Holly Peers snuck out through a eat flap to nick some booze! “Being in Nuts make: me feel ver special!” 500TH ISSUE Holly Peers teetings Holly! Are you enjoying ‘our 500th party? ‘Where's the champagne? H-hat I love the group shoots — we've just spent the day making each other laugh. We've always got Toads of eatching up do. What would you say is your favourite thing about Nuts? Because I live in Manchester don't get to sce the girls very often, so coming on a Nuts shoot is like catching up with my friends, realy. Plu, lets be honest, Nuts girls are the fittest! an you remember your first ‘ever shoot for Nuts? Itwas a Next Top Model shoot. Iwas really nervous. Lucy. Pinder was on the caver of that issue and I absolutely idolised her. And now we're doing the 500th shoot together! ‘There you go! How does it feel tobe a top 20 cover star? Tm well proud of that fact! ‘Wow! I guess that puts things in perspective a bit. Ive been shooting for Nuts for five years now, but I had so much fur that is just flown by! ‘What's the best thing about bbeing a bona fide Nuts babe? Going abroad and being inv to stuff like the Call Of bury launch party, Experiences we wouldn't get otherwise od Ifyou were in charge, what ‘would you bring toa shoot? Good question! I'd like there to be a Jagermeister machine on all shoots from now on. Im not doing a good job of shifting my party animal image.am I? ‘No comment! Finally then, any ‘message forall our readers? Without you lot, wee wouldn't have 500 issues. Keep sending in your daft pies, funny letters, and horrible injuries and well keep doing sexy shoots with ‘our boobs out, Deal? » “Here’s to another 500 years i of Nuts!” STDC MESa India “Today’s Reynolds shoot will you excited? Definitely! Ies a Inuge milestone, and its.a proud moment for me to be involved, We've really pulled out all the stops to get the sexiest girlst What are you making of all the sexy girls today? Lucy Collett really stands out next to us brunettes with her lovely red hair, but I think everyone Jooks stunning. Does it feel weird when you se yourself on the cover of Nuts? Tes really weird. We used t© flick through issues when you had girls like Abi Titmuss on the cover, but now it's Rosie Jones and Luey Collett who are the big, stars. I never ever thought I'd be on the cover! What do you think when you look back at your first shoot? When I look back at the pies, ook so different! What's axreatis that it’ the same crew today ~ same make-up, same photographer ~ as it was all those years ayo, We've become big family: [absolutely love it. fall Nuts’ 500 issues, which shoot really stands out? Treckon today will be one to remember. But [love Nuts Christmas shoots, You find fake snow in your hair for weeks! ‘Who's your fave cover star? Well, Lucy Pinder's a bit of legend, and she always looks stunning on her covers. When I started out, I always looked up te her, and now I get to do these amazing shoots with hert Finally, any message for the uys who buy Nuts every week? Thanks for buying Nuts, chaps! won 500 years? 00 issues! Whatever, Just raise a glass with ust > 500TH ISSUF Joey Fisher ello Joey! How are you enjoying today's 500th issue spectacular? Tim loving it. e's more fun when there’.a group of us, Boobs are my fa ire thing about Nuts, This isa celebration ofthat What do you recall about your first-ever shoot? I was so shy! Iewas seary but Toved it.I was so nervous. Tm completely different now and.a lot more confident, How do people react when they find out what you do? They dorrt believe me most of the time. I's my friends that model for ys. "Er, no she’s not!” They just don't believe me, I don’t know whyt always say, "She Nuts? and everyone What's been your best night out since shooting for nuts? Trve just come back from Zante that was pretty mad. We went into the sea once and someone lothes. That was of awkward, just walking Well, some of us weren't even in bras. it was fun though! What's been your favourite ‘Nuts shoot of all time? My most recent ane with the American theme, It had loads of bright colours, I love that and that's what's great about well. The shoots xt across how much, fan the Nuts world is, alway What would be your ultimate fantasy shoot? 1 get all the today but even more ct getall of the biggest bo Sound ace! Finally then, do you have a message forall our loyal readers? Keep readi support it, and keep me, because I'm over Nuts and you need to help me! Ha-ha!_» 5 You always get across how much bmw LS SMES “Nuts was always the magazine | wanted to be in!” Stacey Poole | Stacey, is this special shoot up there with the best of them? Hellot This one’s my favouri We've all been having loads of fan. Everyone's so happy that they're doing the S00¢h issue. So have you been having lots of fun today? was so excited when I heard Twas doing it~ it's such a big thing, its a memorable shoot, a really big one. P've loved it. ‘What would be your ultimate fantasy shoot? For the L000th issue, Nuts needs to get 1,000 girls. It rnceds all the girls who have been in the mag to do a topless shoot and all go crazy together: ‘We'll work on It! What's the biggest load of rubbish you've heard about being a Nuts model? Some people think we're quite bitchy and fake. We'e all the complete opposite to that. ‘That's why people are shocked when Ttell them what I do, How has shooting for Nuts changed your life? Icwas always the mag I wanted to be int When I was 20 1 got scouted when I was on holiday Tove it. 'm living the dream. Ie changed my life but it’s not changed me as a person, iatdoyornenterton Nts has that first ever shoot? changed my Ie was in this studio that we're indy. Lacy Pinder was life but hasn’t introducing new babes for 2012. To doshe sth te ack changed me where sarted 0 good! y as a person: Final then, an we have _tmestage forthe loyal rendes ofthe magne? Well than yn so much or bungie og 1 rome thereat pingeobe mare fvsboosw come Keep busing uae 9G TV built for blokes! ‘THE WALKING DEAD © FOX/HD, 1Opm The awesome zombie cdrama's back for series Four! 8 Out Of 10 Cats 9pm Merrymakers Sean Lock, Jon Richardson and Jimmy Carr have ‘special guest tonight inthe form of ex-Corrie hottie and master of the sexy selfie Helen Flanagan. The Nuts legend isnot only super-sexy, but she's a something funny to say, too, We reckon she'd be pretly awesome company on a night out! teat ‘58 nuts sorry, ae oer te ane LA Man Down +9.30pm We loved Greg Davies as Mr Gilbert in The Inbetweeners, and now he's playing another teacher in his on sitcom, This time, he’s Dan, @ rubbish with is very funny. We love it series with a gardening show was a step too far ° cetcermry PLANNER “How many times FP cont co autoorote i aucroot Dil ne Walking Dead HD © TOpm CHANNEL S/H « 10pm The best zombie show on the box is back! Series four picks up where the last ane ended with former county shetiff Rick (Andrew Lincoln) and the ‘oroup trying to survive in prison = ‘task made more difficult by ‘appearance of a new evil G West Ham vs Man City ‘SKY SPORTS /HD + but with the form guide as itis, wi pecially with the rons he seasoned "Sam Allerdici”. Maybe hel share a po match cappuccino with Pellegrini? beet ome Aston Villa 25 SKY SPORTS /HD + Villa have been strangely inconsistent this season (beat Arsenal and City, ) but goals haven't Ham have lost to Neweast come exsy to Spurs. We 2£ shown that with the right t n put one over on Spurs, but would Villa dare play 4-6-0? Stee vs Tottenham The Jonathan Ross Show ITV + (id we ment act?), Wossy gives us interview time with a couple Frank of firm magazine favou Lampard and jo way Fm crossing look what happened © FM othe squirrel” Karl Pilkington: The Moaning Of Life SKYV/HD ¢ 9p Karl Pikington travels around the marriage in other cultures, visiting India, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. ‘ay armpit is elit a. UFC 166 BY SPORT 1/HD + ght bouts can be frustrating punch or endless rounds huffing and puffing. This meeting between elephants ‘other. Brutal but unmi seek j Pv 7 A “Hello? The 1970s? Toast Of London (CHANNEL 4/HD + Matt Berry (the ace Reynholm in this new si eccentric middle-aged act ‘more time dealing with his han performing on it. Andi ly hilarious, with off-the-wall hhumour and top one-liners turning up in virtually every scene. seek Fi Fi NIGHT! MIKE ALVARADO VSRUSLAN ‘i sponTs 2/0 Ime) aay ona ‘RED BULL CUFF DAVE/HD 6pm Wet nus ove thes dangers ‘eter spor. Thelotest pert eae rrone, where Gale ‘onardco wll Beane mend Yes, Bey - You got That isthe Ursa for conseation ma Crystal Palace vs Fulham SKY SPORTS Y/HD ¢ 7; Two London clubs tussle at Selhurst Park. It was perhaps to be expected that Crystal Palace would struggle, but less expected has been Fulham's stuttering start to wich has seen them struggle to pick up goals, and points. Could be messy! tee Arsenal vs Borussia Dortmund FIV/HD # 730pm Arsenal's imperious performanc put Napoli to the sword three back, and a win wil all but g Champions League knockout footy. But Dort Draw, then? tke und are go 60 nuts Arrow ‘SKYI/HD + It you missee the frst series of tis, It follows Oliver Queen, a bilionaire playboy: turned-vigilante superhero, Using a bow and arrow as his weapon of choice, As the second series begins, we find Olive retired. In the same way Paul Scholes “retired hat time, thankfully wwouldi't make for m: otherwise it ch of a series, CSI: NY (CHANNEL 5/HD + The New York-based crime drama wraps up for good with this double: bill Fist-up, three separate murders lace on Valentine's Day. Be jarned, chaps - these things can happen if you forget about dates lke that. The last hurrah sees the toa the case ofa police officer who killed a bloke robbing a jewellery shop. ovenad this bit of celery stuck in miy teeth al ay Never Mind The Buzzcocks BBC TWO/HD + some and criminally ed Kristen Schaal (Flight OF The Conchorfs and 50 Rock) sits in the big chair poking fun, hopefully at ‘quest X Factor loser Rylan Clark's daft ‘onashers and X Factor winner lames Arthur's jectory, see ‘ser Box oFFice/ Inthe im Pater Capa gaye a World Heath edi, credit Elementary ING/HD * SKY LI The alternative Sherlock Holmes series touches down in London this week to kick off season two, Introducing two book staples ~ Holmes’ brother Mycroft @ brilliantly languid Rhys fans) anc Inspector aan Dertwee, grumpy). If yet taken the plunge with this show yet, do it it’s proper see “There, there =I not real zombie. I's just Champions League Football ‘SKY SPORTS 2/HD + It's Manchester dou! up, the blue haf face a tough trip to the Russian capital to take on CSKA Moscow. United should have more joy as they welcome Real Sociedad to Old Trafford, with former Arsenal man Carios Vela being their main threat teks “rahi ean barely keep my eyes opent™ ¥ ae Europa League - Football —% worst stag do was in full swing Ambassadors TWo/HD + New comedy drama starring Peep Show duo David Mitchell and Robert Webb. Mitchells a British Ambassador newly arrived inthe fictional Asian Republic of Tazbekistan, with Webb his second in command. Together, they face up te life under an autocratic regime. It’s funny, but we prefer them asthe flat-sharing bers. The arm wresting contest had taken Person Of Interest adventure holiday Misfits Ea/HD + Last ever series klanon! Its ard to believe this nifty comedy drama has reached its fifth series, but show creator Howard Overman has decided to hang up the orange jumpsuits for ‘good. It’s been a bit daft at times, but hhas always managed to be shocking, sety and sweary in equal measure. Let’s hope it goes out wit ee AT iM WEKD, eo Prony Pl FOX« 5 ITva/HD Europe's been a cakewalk for Spurs so far, and you can't see Moldovans FC Sheriff Traspol as anything but non fodder and more goals scored, Than Swansea face a tougher Kuban Krasnodar, one ofthe oldest lus in Russian football tk (CHANNEL 5/HD ‘The enjoyably preposterous action series is back. A retired CIA man and 8 software nerd join forces to stop crimes before they happen - even though the computer program they Use won't tell them the person whe! bbe committing it. Yep, pre sterous, We love stand-up comic Louis CK's semi-autobiographical sitcom. t's equal parts dark, surreal, innovative, ‘ainkward, and ~ crucially ~ realy funny. All of which isin evidence tonight, as the comedian’s kids put pressure on him to finda girlfriend ~ so he tries his luck with a woman at the local bookstore. Top stuff! see ‘nuts 61 stritty run old people's home Prison Break meets The Expendables when security expert Sylvester Stallone gets banged up in the Ultimate supermax lock-up with coy Tom Hanks delivers another heart- wrenching everyman performance in the true-ife tale of a merchant ship besieged by pirates of TRIBUTE This debut from the © Yorkshire warbler has done pretty woll on the Nuts office stereo. There area few belters on itl ease 2 nuts ‘Ammold Schwarzenegger. Faced with evil warder Vinnie Jones, Sly proves he's stil got the moves and Arnie gets al the best ines: "You hit lke a vegetarian!” Think Shawshank Redemption with muscies and mayhem. We like! nomad Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch paint traf ines on 2 country highway in a cool bromantic comedy, sex He loved thea's new Gath range of bedroom ftinas | eer Baa clossic. The Wicker & Man gets a well: deserved re-release to mark its 40th anniversary. if you've not ITV's East London: based crime drama might not scale the heights of Luther, but this latest series runs it close, aaa seen ths tale of a cap who gets ‘more than he bargained for investigating the disappearance ff a girl on a remote Scottish island, it's the perfect excuse With loads of bonuses including interviews and a director's cut, this is oreat! eee A slacker has to hunt a hot lady killer inthis sexy, fun and violent actioner. ae 2013 We always look forward to the Redio 1 Ds's annual pick in" mixes, andl this tidy comp doesn't disappoint. She's on tour in November. + = LIGHTNING BOLT = The Seattie rock legends have been shifting records for yyonks now. Their tenth studio album is much as you'd expect. Go on, ads! MIXED BY OAKENFOLD = The veteran knob-twiddler lends his sll to Creams double album, calebrating 2i years of dance musica get off your nut to. + * RATINGS: tke tee He Sante Pa CTS favored Pedigree fe chums the business" Ob Slick app that lets you choose from hundreds British radio stations, asts and catch-up seven bells o he Gym Ls beety fighting now in 30 for the first catch Pokémon, send them out a wee, handheld deligh lke cute-eyed cocks in pitched continues the 30S’ amazing for battles with other trainers, kick as console ofthe y TT a i ct Nuts FASHI = e180) CASIO G-sHocK The ultimate tough gu [eSnocK CSAS AU :(* 08 Pleated et a Glo Sen £56 ‘CONVERSE AT ‘SHADESTATION. lust ike the tra nd cla This diver’s watch ees eng ‘OAKLEY AT SHADESTATION.CO.UK Ra erty eee Creed eee Cire CU bd] SUPERDRY eens Pern econ Romer eae Cocca ¢ 4% Ly Nyy: % Nuts Games, now “< available on the go! Go to |nutsgames.co.uklon your phone; tablet or desktop and play to win £££ cash! /; Leer wb. > g pam Hero3+ 20% smaler, with anits rivals ute falling off aten by & 19 kettled by police. Archos 101 Platinum ‘says: ud co tablet running (05 with 868 o} 10. display. Good £240 Libratone Loop says Wireles ‘can wall mount, then fire to it rom an iPhone, A Windows phone, o £400 Nerf Mega Centurion | Nerf has ever made, this y ruts 67 ae GIRLS BEDROOM -BABE!. You voted, she won, we took the pics! much everything that comes my way!” “1 love life! | enjoy pretty | on, so s “1 look sexiest “a in my little * black dress!” ’ “1 once did rude things ina tree house!” — Vi, f % > You can’t beat F a sexy pair of ¥ —_ stockings!” ow zs . 4 next Bedroom Babe! LUCY ~~ PINDER EXCLUSIVE! ine tae i NUTS PRESENTS THE LATEST COLLECTABLE PRINT EDITION OVER 100 PAGES OF LUCY PINDER, INCLUDING AN EXCLUSIVE NEW SHOOT ON SALE NOW FROM ALL GOOD RETAILERS! Kayleigh Liverpool J BEDROOM BABE “Aa es rea p 1.) nacre Georgia Corby “Lown a dance school, so I'm always in shape! b Hollie Portsmouth People seem drawn to my lovely eyes!” Vote now! Tice saa a Bescorealestnoce fetfneteve ota! Chantelle Chichester “rmloadsoffun, and up fora laught" J Choose the irl you think is the hottest, go to MEH] (mu cou ZG click on the "Bedroom Babes” bit ‘and vote for her. Simple! Sea ed cat ec rrepoer ann coer ee nets i sant Entei eee ements 3 Where's the strangest place you've had sex? “The strangest place was ina field full ofcows. Hachal All we coud hear ‘was the cows constantly -mooing. It was funny because we were right next to a chureh! What's your trademark ‘move nthe bedroom? “Well, Pve been told a number of times that Ym very good with my tongue. Let's just say chat I use my piercing to my advantage. Jenny James 22Derhy TT | O RUDE * USL soe ‘ove being lightly tickled. Just being felt and touched really relaxes me and gets ime going. Knowing a man's enjoying every part of your body is amazing” What's your favourite position? “Tm definitely inco old-school moves. [believe they're the ‘ones you enjoy the most. AT] these weird new positions ean sometimes be awkward. [ike to slowly get into it and be close and sensual.” 5 etbeterto sive orreceive? “You should spend equal ‘amounts of time on each other and make sure you're both ‘enjoying yourselves. Ir turns me on to know I'm turning bloke on, and he should feel ‘the same about me.” What's the rudest thing you've ever done? Teant tell you because it would get me into trouble, involved a gitl’ only holiday, and I was very drunk. Aleohol isthe dev What one thing would you realy lke to try bbut haven't yet? “1 do have a dark side that Tr like to tap into at some point. [like masks. There's something about anonymous sex that’s very, very sexy.” What's your favourite sexy outfit? Tove wearing black in contrast with my hair, oa sexy black suspender set would be my option. A laey black bra and little lace hot pants, with a suspender belt and hold- ups. 7anuts another girl? “I haven't. | like my men too much. \ Y Although I have Ww sobeen asked, Maybe one day Ill consider it. Only if I’m single, of course!” : \ r i 1 Have you ever made a sex tape? “Not yet. I'm saving that for someone | trust! | ~ It’s on my bucket list. When | do, | expect it will be epic. Ha-ha!” It’s our 500th issue party Hy celebration! Pics for your mobile, just £2 each! rem’ £4 EACH! CONFESS! TO OUR SECRETARY! @ Sr Ta eee aE Merl ed aa date she was having later a ae ‘grabbed my hand and began to squeeze her boob with it. She turned her head towards me my top up over my boobs, she nside playing ‘with my nipples. Ir was so xy knowing we could get ‘caught and when her touched my sk scream! She ne date, but ea Sara Worcestershire ‘lhad the drive of my life’ TWAS driving aloing the M25 ‘on the way to my fellas house wild afternoon of te sex, but I gat stuck fn a traffic jam. I texted him to that was going to be late was so horny and all I could think about was being in bed swith my man, He was horny too so he started to tell me what he was going to do to me when 1 got there, I simply hhad to relieve myself and as CONFESSION OF THE WEEK! ‘Sexy times on the slopes’ TWAS ort skiing holiday with some girlfriends and one afternoon, after up headed back, | stayed fon the slopes for some tutoring with our fit instructor: Afterwards, on the way back, we went down the steep side of one of the slopes, but I lost my balanec and crashed into him. ‘We both fell in a heap. I was so embarrassed, but that quickly turned to lust as we ended up kissing, He undid my trousers and slipped his hand into my knickers, His fingers were ice cold but it felt so good and I climaxed within a minute! Mary Wigan, Hooked around, all | could see was my hairbrush. I slowly slid handle inside me as I read lying baek in my . couldn't contain myself any longer. Iclimaxed “My fun With irises ge her cunt acustomer’ i3iciie» edb me storeasabra fitterand the fittings wheel and the horn went off cdtafaneyasexy inlookingforasexy bra for Nina Harlow Piece) Ista SHARE WITH OUR ‘SECRETARY! ‘The lesson turned rude” ED to have driving xd my neighbour that his son was learning to be a drivi instructor and would help me out for in life che bonnet 1 felt inezedibly horny and inswad of lifting the lid, lifted myself on to it and ‘opened my legs. My skirt short enough to show everything and, after ‘everywhere. I spent the next few months learning to drive and having saucy fun. Thankfully, neither of ‘utr dads ever found out! Chloe East London Win £50! Ladies, send your raunchiest confessions to louise_prion Tpemedia.com or to the address on page 174. The best ane each ook" wins £50) ats 79 tener phat Peerneranl feet Mar 201 Ky he coerce Et ae Bebihet, Sie mac ia Ret y, Championship. His winin Pet er) a ete oko A Cee PRC ULEY first Drivers’ Championship CPANEL ce him the youngest a Cll ae ; — The number of Grands Fee = Tr Prix Vettel won in 2011, A when he won the championship ‘ with four races to spare. Only S Michael Schumacher has won more races (13) in one season. TNS CNC hao [CCCs My atta holds, including being TU oMVOU Nem aM Cie ai eam SPORT Drivers’ tributes ettel’s estimated to Vettel! personal fortune. Pred Lewis Pend The cost of the Mela Lula cuc Rea) Paice eye) Cont 10] Ce

    You might also like