LANDON & SHAY - PART TWO

L&S DUET SERIES BOOK 2

BRITTAINY C. CHERRY

BCHERRY BOOKS, INC

 Landon & Shay – Part Two

By: Brittainy C. Cherry

Landon & Shay Part Two

Copyright © 2019 by Brittainy C. Cherry
All rights reserved.

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Published: Brittainy C. Cherry 2019

brittainycherry@gmail.com

Editing: Editing by C. Marie, Ellie at My Brother’s Editor, Jenny Sims @ EditingForIndies

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To second chances at love.
 CONTENTS

Quote
Chapter 1
Message #1
Message #2
Message #3
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Message #4
Message #5
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Message #6
Message #7
Message #8
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Epilogue
Eleanor & Grey
The Elements Series by Brittainy C. Cherry
Also by Brittainy C. Cherry
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
― Kahlil Gibran
 1

Shay
Eighteen years old

I OFTEN WONDERED about the first person to ever fall in love.

Did they know what it was right away, or did it feel like extreme heartburn? Were they happy?
Sad? Was the love a two-way street, or was it a solo affair? How long did it take to get there? How
many days, months, and years did they travel before the love arrived?
Were they scared?
Did they speak the words first or wait for the other to do the talking?
Love was always a hard concept for me because I’d seen so many messed-up versions of it, but
then I met Landon and fully understood how love could appear out of nowhere. Never in my life
would I have thought I’d end up falling in love with my sworn enemy. I truly thought the only four-
letter word I’d ever use for Landon would be hate. Then love creeped in without any care in the
world for my brain’s opinion of Landon. Love only cared about how my heart secretly beat for him.
Love swept in at its own speed, not believing in time, space, or constraints.
It just came—sometimes welcomed, other times not—and it filled people up with warmth, with
hope, with a feeling of acceptance, yet when the person you loved left without an exact return date? It
left you waiting with bated breath.
It had been nine months since Landon went away, and in those months, everyone around me had
begun to lose hope for what it was he and I shared.
But still, even with other people’s opinions, the love was still there.
“I think it’s okay if you start seeing other guys,” Tracey told me one afternoon after school. “It’s
our senior year, and you’re missing out on dating because you’re waiting on someone who hasn’t
shown any signs that he’s coming back. How long do you plan to wait?”
Oh, I don’t know, maybe the same amount of time it took you to realize Reggie was an asshole.
I didn’t say that to her, though. I smiled and allowed her to have her thoughts because I was strong
enough in my belief of Landon not to let outside opinions get to me.
“Don’t listen to Tracey,” Raine commented after she walked away. “I think you waiting for
Landon is very romantic, like you’re your own movie really. ‘When you find you, come back to me.’”
She swooned, pressing her hand to her chest. “Gosh, you two are like The Notebook. He’s your Ryan
Gosling, so ignore Tracey. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”
Sadly, Tracey wasn’t the only one who had those sorts of thoughts about my situation with Landon.
My mother felt the same way, but I blamed it on her own recent heartbreak. She didn’t understand the
strong connection he and I had formed when we were going through the darkest of days with one
another. My cousin didn’t get it either. Eleanor was still convinced he’d actually cheated on me in the
closet with that sophomore girl, and she hated him to his core.
Outside of Raine, the only person who truly approved of our love story was my grandmother.
Mima asked about Landon all the time, wanting updates on his heart. She believed in our
nontraditional love, even when the rest of the world didn’t seem to do so.
“Everybody has an option, Shannon Sofia,” Mima said, shaking her head. “You wear your hair
long; they’ll tell you to cut it. You wear it short; they’ll tell you to grow it out. You lose weight; they’ll
tell you you’re too skinny, yet if you gain weight, they’ll call you fat. Trust me when I say, there are no
happily ever afters when you’re living your life based on others’ opinions. Also, double-check your
friendships and make sure they’re coming from a genuine place. Someone can call you their friend yet
wish evilness upon you in quiet. I’d be careful with that Tracey girl. I can tell she has jealous
tendencies. The older you get, the more you’ll realize that just because a friendship has history, it
doesn’t mean it has longevity.”
Words of wisdom from Mima.
I kept quiet about Landon and me to most people outside of Mima and Raine. I let our love be
Landon’s and my secret. It wasn’t like we’d lost our connection, even though over two thousand miles
separated us. There were times we promised to be there for one another, no matter what. For
example, on Landon birthday, he’d either be in my arms, or we’d share a phone call to make sure his
heart was still beating. I knew how hard his birthday was for him, and I refused to leave him alone
with his thoughts.
It wasn’t a one-way street, either. Whenever I needed him, he was there for me.
Every so often, we’d talk on the phone, but Landon wasn’t a big fan of phone conversations, and
neither was I, a quirk Tracey warned would be an issue with a long-distance relationship. Still, it
wasn’t for us. I didn’t like holding a phone to my ear and yapping on and on, so we’d text one another,
and we’d talk on instant messenger, but my favorite method of communication was our notebooks.
We began sending each other notebooks back and forth, just as we had in high school. It would
take a few weeks for them to come due to the busyness of life, but whenever the package arrived in
the mail, I felt as if it were Christmas morning, and I was unwrapping the greatest gift.
Our love wasn’t traditional, but it was ours.
And I’d vowed to do whatever it took to keep our story alive forever.
January 10 th, 2004

Chick,

Los Angeles is…weird—the trees, the weather, the people. Do you know it started raining the other
day, and it was as if the world was going to come to a crashing end? I guess rain isn’t a big thing
over here. I feel like coming from Illinois, we are weather experts. Negative fifteen degrees? Great
—let’s go snow tubing! Eighteen inches of snow? Let’s build a snowman ten feet high!
But, honestly, I like it here. It’s nice not to freeze your balls off in the winter, and well, Mom
seems happier here, almost as if her heart was made for California.
So, personal life updates. Let’s see…
I’ve grown pretty attached to having candy close by at all times. Peanut butter M&M’s should
be illegal, but damn, I’m happy they’re not. Don’t be surprised if I have a Santa belly the next time
you see me. I blame you for this. Also, if you sent a few banana Laffy Taffys in your next package, I
wouldn’t be mad about that. I can’t find those things anywhere.
My therapist is no Mrs. Levi, but she does the job right. I feel okay after leaving her
appointments, and I guess that’s the goal. I guess that’s another life update: I feel okay. I know you
worry, but I’m doing the work to get right with my mind. It’s hard some days, and other days, it’s
all right. The therapist says to take it one second at a time. As I write this letter, this second is
pretty okay.
Also, random. I met an acting agent the other day through someone Mom knew, and they are
interested in working with me. I’m not sure shit will come from it, but damn. I’m definitely
intrigued.
The highlights of Los Angeles so far: Their addiction to avocado, being close enough to get to
the ocean if need be, Mom’s here, and the sun.
The shadows of Los Angeles: You’re not here.
Kind of wish I could win the lottery to get money to come see you.
I miss your face.
I miss your heartbeats.
Fuck. I miss you. I miss you so much I kick myself in the ass for wasting so much time hating
you. I’m doing the work so I can be good enough to come back to you, but dammit, I wish my mind
were faster at healing. But you know, second by second and all.

Your turn. Tell me everything that’s going on there.

I love you, I love you.

Once so you hear me, twice to leave an imprint.
-Satan

P.S. Enjoy the package of peanut butter M&M’s included with the notebook.
P.P.S. I wasn’t kidding about the banana Laffy Taffys. Don’t let me down, Chick.
February 5 th, 2004

Satan,

You should’ve never introduced me to peanut butter M&M’s—this is a sin upon sin. Who knew sins
could taste so good against my lips? Why do they taste like this, and why did you only send me one
pack? That seems pretty selfish, and I get the feeling you kept a few for yourself.
Tracey, Raine, and I are rooming together next year for freshman year at UW-Madison. Mima
is convinced that rooming with my two best friends is a terrible idea, but I think it will be okay.
We’ve had enough sleepovers together to know we’ll be fine with one another.
I got my second ever rejection letter from a writing agency. I’m thinking about framing it!
What’s success without a little bit of failure, right? At least one of us is rocking our dreams!
Speaking of that, I’m really proud of you. You’re going to be huge one day, Landon, and I’m
already your biggest fan.
You’re going places, kid.
Highlights of Raine, Illinois: There’s only ten inches of snow coming down on us tomorrow.
Yay! Mima’s food is still sent from the gods. Mom is doing okay getting over her broken heart, even
though sometimes she still cries. My cousin Eleanor seems to be smitten with Greyson ever since
they met at a party over the summer. I like seeing her happy with him, especially since she’s
struggling with her mom being sick.
Shadows of Raine, Illinois: You’re still gone.
I love you times two.
-Chick

P.S. Send. More. Chocolate.

P.P.S. Bought five lottery tickets the other night. Not a winner yet, but the moment I am, I’m
buying a ticket to come see you.
May 1 st, 2004

Satan,

Today’s hard. Probably one of the hardest days of my life. Today, we have to say goodbye to my
Aunt Paige, and all I can think about is how it’s too soon. I wish you would’ve had a chance to get
to know her. Her energy was contagious. She had a light about her that could make the darkest
days shine. She loved art. She loved children. She loved her family.
Gosh, did she love her family.
I know my cousin Eleanor is going to struggle for a long time with losing her mother, and I am
going to stand by her side today to hold her up. Greyson came down to stand beside her, too. You
did a good job choosing a best friend like him. We’re here for two weeks, and then we fly back to
Illinois. I’ll have to be strong for that long. I’ll have to hold my cousin and my uncle up because I
know they are going to fall apart.
Then when I get home, I’ll fall apart on my own because I loved my aunt. I loved her so, so
much, and this hurts. It doesn’t seem fair. Mima said a prayer and told me Heaven is waiting for
Paige’s arrival, but I don’t think that’s fair.
It’s not fair that God gets the good ones when we weren’t finished loving them yet.
No highlights today. Only shadows.
I wish I could hug you. I know that’s selfish and silly, but gosh, I miss your hugs.
I could really use a hug right now.
Today is hard.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

-Chick
 2

Shay

WHEN MOM and I landed back in Illinois, it wasn’t easy. There was an emptiness in my chest from
having to say goodbye to Aunt Paige. When we got back to Mima’s apartment, it was pretty somber
all across the board. There wasn’t really much that could be said to make things feel less heavy. Still,
Mima made us dinner, and we all ate together before heading off to our own spaces.
I sat in my bedroom, and my phone dinged.
Landon: Did you make it back to town safely?
Shay: Yes, back home.
Landon: How’s your heart?
I closed my eyes as I read his words.
Shay: Struggling.
Landon: I’m sorry, Chick.
A few seconds passed and another message came through.
Landon: Meet me by the willows?
Shay: LOL I wish.
Landon: No, really. I’m in town. Meet me at the willows.
That was all he said, and it was enough for me. Five words was all it took for me to have my
world rocked upside down.
“Mima!” I hollered, dashing out of my bedroom as I scrambled to put on my sneakers. “Can I
borrow your car?”
She sat in the living room, doing yoga moves on her mat, being more flexible than anyone her age
should’ve been. “No. It’s late, and I’m sure you’re exhausted after your travels.”
“But—”
“No buts. There isn’t a good enough excuse for you to go out at this—”
“Landon’s back in town,” I spat out. Now, trust me, I was never one to cut my grandmother off
when she was speaking to me, but I knew those words would make her reconsider.
She got to her feet and arched an eyebrow. “He’s back?”
“Yes. I don’t know for how long, though, and he asked me to meet him.”
 “Tell him I said hello,” she replied without a beat of hesitation.
“Will do.” I snatched her keys off the counter and hurried out the door, and when I was halfway
down the hallway, Mima called after me.
“Wait, Shay! Wait!” I turned around to see her hurrying toward me with containers in her hands.
“Here, give him these leftovers. Then give him my love.”
She leaned in and kissed my cheek as butterflies filled my stomach.
My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as I drove to the two willow trees at Hadley Park.
The sun had already fallen asleep as the night’s shadows danced through the trees. I raced through
them, my heart pounding so hard I was certain it was seconds away from exploding out of my chest,
and when I reached my destination, I slowed my pace.
There he was, standing with his back to me, hands stuffed deep into his pockets.
Even with his face turned away from me, I knew he looked so handsome.
“Hey, Satan,” I softly said, my voice sounding more nervous than I’d anticipated. I was a wreck of
emotions, and the moment he rotated his body toward me, and his lips curved up, revealing that
dimple of his that sat in his left cheek, all my nerves dissipated. I was left with only happiness.
“Hey, Chick.”
“What are you doing here?”
He shrugged his shoulders and rubbed the back of his neck. “You said you could really use a hug.
I know I’m a little late since you said it, but—”
I cut him off because I couldn’t wait any longer. I dived toward him, wrapping my arms around
his broad figure and pulled him close to me. He instantly hugged me tighter, nestling his head into my
neck, breathing me in as I inhaled his cologne: smoky woods and all man. Gosh, I missed his smells. I
missed his hugs. I missed him. Every piece, every inch, every breath.
“I’m so, so sorry, Shay,” he whispered.
My eyes glassed over as I was finally given the chance to fall apart, knowing he would catch me.
“She was amazing,” I murmured. “She was one in a million.”
“I bet.”
Giving him a sloppy grin, I pulled back a little and studied him. I stared in wonderment, like a
proud parent. I rested my hand against his cheek and couldn’t stop smiling like a fool. I was happy,
so, so happy—the kind of happy I figured only happens once in a lifetime.
This reunion meant so much to me, Landon coming to hold me when I needed him so much.
“How’s your heart tonight?” I asked him, brushing my nose against his.
His lips curved up. “Still beating, but mostly, I’m here to hear about your heart. We can go sit in
my car,” he offered, nodding his head toward the walkway back to the parking lot. “I just wanted to
see the trees up close again. It’s too cold out here for us to just be standing.”
I agreed. Honestly, he could’ve said, Let’s go rob a bank and then get tacos, and I would’ve been
down with that idea.
Wherever he led, I was going to follow.
We headed to his rental car and hopped inside. He blasted the heat, and I appreciated the warmth
that engulfed me.
“I missed you,” he said, provoking instant fluttering in my stomach.
“I missed you, too. How have things been? How’s California? How are you?” That was the most
important question.
He smiled his gentle smile and brushed his finger against the bridge of his nose. “Things have
been okay. Busy, but good. I have a lot of appointments with my therapist, to keep me in a routine. We
are trialing a few different meds to help keep my mind on track. So far, so good. I just miss you and
my friends, but I know it’s the right fit.”
“Good.” I sighed, feeling so much relief at hearing that he was doing okay. He looked okay, too.
No, he looked better than okay. He looked damn good. “And your mom?”
His grin deepened. “She’s great. She’s been my rock, and it’s been good having her by my side
through all this. I’m glad I’ve been able to be by her side, too, with all the divorce crap my dad’s
putting her through. I don’t get it, really—him being so cruel. Mom has always been good to him, and
I’m certain there was a time they were in love. I just can’t imagine being so cruel to someone who at
one point you thought would be your forever. It’s like the love never really existed in the first place.”
I frowned. “My mom’s not handling her divorce much better, but our moms are strong. They’ll get
through it.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Your mom is strong, for sure. I’m pretty sure she hates my fucking guts, but
she’s strong. She’ll be okay. My mom will be, too. She’s resilient.”
“I’m guessing that’s where you get the trait from.”
He reached across to me and placed his hands in mine. “You want to talk about it?” he asked, his
voice low and somber. “About your aunt?”
“It’s hard. If I think about the cancer, I get too sad. It sits in my throat, and words become hard to
get out. Watching her as she struggled for the last few months was the hardest thing in the world.”
“Then let’s not talk about those months. Tell me about who she was before she got sick.”
“What do you want to know?”
He smiled and brushed a fallen piece of hair behind my ear. “Everything.”
We sat in that car for hours, laughing, reminiscing and holding one another. We stared silently for
a while, too. Being quiet with Landon came so easily to me. If we had to sit in silence for the rest of
our lives, I knew I’d be comfortable as long as it was with him.
As I sat in his lap for a bit, he wrapped his arms around me and held me. There was nothing
sexual about it, either. Our bodies lay against one another, my head nestled against his neck as I
closed my eyes. I could’ve fallen asleep right then and there, and I would’ve prayed I’d awaken in the
same position.
“Did you win the lottery?” I asked after hour four passed by.
He snickered. “No, I just owe Greyson a big amount of money down the line.”
“He paid for you to come out here?”
“Yeah. Things are pretty tight with Mom at the moment, and my dad completely cut me off.
Greyson reached out and helped, though. He knew how important it was for me to get to you, the same
way he got to Eleanor.”
“Gosh, he’s such a good guy.”
“The best. The world needs more people like Greyson East.”
I sighed against his skin, snuggling in even closer. “Do you think Eleanor and him will figure
things out with her being in Florida and him going off to college?”
“I hope so. I really do. I’ve never seen Greyson really care about someone the way he does
Eleanor. Plus, it’s my hope that true love finds a way to work out in the end, no matter what.”
I snickered. “Who would’ve ever thought Satan himself would become a bit of a romantic?”
“What can I say? I met a girl who changed my views on life and love.”
“I have that effect on people,” I joked. “I had to stop talking to people about us for a while.
Tracey said it’s stupid for me to be so young and in this type of situation with you.”
“Yeah, well, Tracey also dated Reggie, so I find her opinion null and void.” He looked me in the
eyes and gave me a lopsided frown. “I do worry sometimes, though, that I’m taking too long trying to
figure things out…that I’m not going to be able to be the person you deserve.”
“I told you to take your time, Landon.”
“Yeah, but shit.” He released a breath. “This is harder than I thought.”
“Tell me about it. Tell me what you’re going through.”
“It’s hard to explain. It’s like, trying to unpack my messed-up brain. There’re boxes upon boxes of
crap with no filing system. There’s so much shit to shift through, and each time you take something out
of one box, another box appears. Then you have a good few days of progress and bam! A panic attack
shows up and you feel like you’ve failed. The worst part about the panic attacks is that while it’s
happening, you beat yourself up even more that it’s happening. You cuss yourself out because you’re
supposed to be past that stage. You’re supposed to be stronger.
“So, you have the panic attack, you blame yourself for allowing a panic attack, then it spirals and
gets worse.” He brushed his hand over his face and shook his head. “Shit. That sounds depressing as
fuck, but that’s where I am now, just shifting and sorting, and I feel bad for making you wait for me.
Shay, I love you, but you don’t have to wait for me. I don’t know how long this is going to take.”
“Would you wait for me?”
“Forever,” he said matter-of-factly.
I thought he meant it, too.
I thought he meant forever.
My palms fell to his cheeks, and I leaned in to kiss him lightly against the lips. No tongue, no
pressure, just a gentle kiss filled with my love.
“I’ll wait,” I swore.
“For how long?”
“For however long it takes.”
“Geez, Chick…” he muttered, pressing his forehead to mine as he shut his eyes. “I came back here
to make you feel better, and you ended up making me feel better instead. How do you do that? How do
you make things better?”
“That’s what we both do for one another. We make each other better without even trying. That’s
what love is, I think. Love is feeling healed whenever you’re near your person.”
This time, he kissed me harder. I kissed him back with just as much passion, sucking on his bottom
lip, allowing his tongue to make love to mine.
“It’s getting late,” he commented, pulling away from me a little. “You should get home before your
mom and Maria start worrying. I noticed you’ve been ignoring your texts.”
I frowned. “Do I have to go?”
“Yes, but I’ll be here for two more days if you want to—”
“Yes,” I cut in. “Whatever, whenever, wherever, yes. I want all your time here to be spent with
me.”
He kissed my forehead. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Before you go, I got you a present.”
I climbed into the passenger seat and combed my hair behind my ears. “You didn’t have to get me
anything.”
“Oh, but I did.” He reached into the back seat of his car and pulled up a bouquet of beautiful,
exquisite, breathtaking peanut butter M&M’s.
I smiled bigger than I’d smiled in days.
“I couldn’t find peonies, so I figured this was the next best thing,” he explained.
I kissed him again, completely baffled that anyone in their right mind could think what Landon and
I had wasn’t worth fighting for.
“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I have something for you, too. I mean, it’s
not officially from me, but it’s for you. One second.” I hopped out of his car and moved over to mine,
grabbing the containers of food Mima had sent with me. The moment Landon saw them, his eyes lit
up, and he hopped out of his car.
“From your grandma?!” he exclaimed, taking the containers from my grasp.
I laughed. “How did you know?”
“Are you kidding me? I would never forget Mima’s food containers!” He opened one of them and
dug in with his fingers like a madman, stuffing the mashed potatoes into his mouth. “Fuuuck,” he
moaned, sucking his fingers clean.
“I need you to moan like that when you taste me,” I stated nonchalantly.
That caught his attention. He cocked an eyebrow and probably cocked another body part, too.
“Come again?”
I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Good night, Landon.” I headed to my car, and he groaned.
“What? No. No fucking way. You can’t say something like that and just leave me, Shay!”
“I have to. Like you said, it’s getting late. You’re the one who notified me of the time.”
“Screw time—we own the night!”
“Text me tomorrow when you’re ready to hang out.”
“It’s one in the morning, Chick—it’s already tomorrow, so we might as well hang out and taste
some things together.”
A pool of heat filled my stomach, and I slid into the driver’s seat of my car. I rolled down the
window and stuck my head out toward Landon. “I’ll see you later.”
“You’re killing me, Smalls,” he muttered, walking over to my window after he set his precious
food in his passenger seat—even buckling it in. He leaned into the window and gave me that smile
that drove me wild. “Good night, good night, parting is such sorrow,” he said, leaning in and kissing
my lips. “I’ll text you in the morning.”
“Good deal.”
He started walking back to his car and spun on his heels to face me once more. “And Chick?”
“Yes?”
Those blue eyes of his sparkled as his lips curved up. “I love you times two.”
 3

Landon

IF GREYSON EVER NEEDED A KIDNEY, I was fully prepared to give him one of mine. Shit, he could have
both. The fact he’d gotten me to Illinois to be with Shay was a big deal. I’d already felt like a huge
letdown to her with each passing day, and I’d often felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. I’d lie
awake tossing and turning, wrestling with the fact that I couldn’t be there for her to give her the kind
of love she needed and deserved.
I often thought about her starting college in a few months and how I didn’t want to hold her back
from living up the full experience. There were times my thoughts tried to convince me I wasn’t
enough, tell me I couldn’t provide the normal kind of love a girl like Shay deserved, but then I saw
her.
I held her.
We fell together with a magnetic pull, and nothing felt better than being able to hold her when she
needed me. Nothing felt better than feeling needed. As if there was a reason I was in this world, and
that reason was to help others.
Speaking of helping others, I was going to try my best to help my mom next. She’d been crying
herself to sleep a lot with the stress of the divorce with the way Dad was draining her for pretty much
every cent she had.
While Shay was at school, I headed down to Chicago to visit my father’s law firm. I hadn’t
spoken to him since Mom and I moved out to Los Angeles. He hadn’t tried to reach out, so I hadn’t
seen a reason to contact him. When it came to picking parental sides, I was in my mother’s corner
until the very end.
I walked into the law firm, feeling like a foreigner in the space. I couldn’t believe I’d spent so
much time there sifting through paperwork, trying to make my dad proud of me, trying to build a better
relationship with him.
I nodded to April, Dad’s assistant, who was sitting in her cubicle outside his office. “Hey, April. I
was hoping to talk to my dad today.”
She frowned. “Oh, sorry, Landon. You should’ve made an appointment. Mr. Harrison is busy
today. Maybe try back next week.” She went back to click-clacking her fingers against the keyboard.
 “Yeah, but you see, I’m only in town for the next thirty-six hours. I was hoping to meet with him
before I head back to Los Angeles.”
She glanced up and then looked back at her computer. “Yeah, sorry. It’s not possible. He’s a very
busy man.”
I didn’t have time for this, so I ignored her and walked straight toward Dad’s office door.
“Hey! You can’t do that!” April hollered, chasing after me, but I was already inside.
He sat on a phone call with his bushy eyebrows lowered and that same stern look upon his face.
When he looked up at me, he grimaced and waved me away.
“Sorry, Ralph. I told him not to bother you today,” April called out, apologizing profusely for my
intrusion. Since when did April call her boss by his first name?
Dad gave me a harsh look and pointed toward the door.
I took a seat instead.
“You can’t do that,” April whisper-shouted.
“Watch me. Close the door on your way out, will you, April?” I said, crossing my arms and
making myself comfortable.
Dad grumbled a bit before speaking to whoever he was on the phone with. “Mr. Jacobson, I do
apologize, but we just had a distraction at the office that I have to deal with, so if you would excuse
me, I’d like to reschedule our conversation for a later date.” He paused. “Yes. Indeed. I’ll have April
set it up with your assistant. Thank you. Goodbye.”
He hung up the phone and frowned like a regular Scrooge. “Close the door on your way out,
April.”
She did as he said without any back talk. I’d have bet he liked that—having someone who never
went against him simply because he signed her paychecks.
“What do you want, Landon?” he asked, glaring my way.
“It’s good to see you, too, Dad.”
“I don’t have time for small talk, boy. Get to your reason for being here or leave.”
“I’m here because of Mom. You are really doing a number on her, and I wanted to see if we could
come to an arrangement to just get this whole divorce thing over with, without you taking so much
from her.”
“Your mother knew what she was getting into when she agreed to marry me. It was all in the
prenup she was so willing to sign.”
“Because she loved you, Dad. She signed it because she loved you and wanted to be with you.”
“Yes, well, she should’ve thought that through beforehand. Now she has to deal with the outcome
of divorce.”
“She’s barely keeping her head above water with the lawyer bills. Can’t you at least help her with
that? Or just call it a done deal? You have enough money to put an end to all of this.”
“I refuse to pay for your mother’s lawyer fees. She is a grown woman and should be able to take
care of things on her own. It’s not my fault she doesn’t understand the value of savings. She should’ve
been working for years instead of looking after you like you were a damn newborn. This is her own
doing. There are consequences to life choices, boy, and now your mother has to deal with said
consequences.”
“How can you be so harsh? You loved her at some point. You had to if you married her.”
“People change, your mother is a prime example of that fact.”
“What did she do to you?”
He knitted his brows and clasped his hands together. “It’s not what she did to me, Landon. It’s
what she did to you. She babied you. She coddled you all your life, making you the way you are.”
“The way I am? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Weak. She made you weak—her and that messed-up brother of hers.”
Every hair on my body stood up as he brought up Lance. I gripped the edges of the chair as my
knuckles turned white. “Lance wasn’t messed up. He was sick. He had an illness.”
“Bullshit,” Dad huffed out, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. “Your uncle was a child
who threw a fit because he couldn’t figure out how to hold down a goddamn job or keep his life
together. He was a user and he manipulated your mother with his sob story into taking him into our
house. He was the definition of weak, and your mother let him influence you. You should’ve never
been allowed to be around that psycho and his issues.”
The words that came out of his mouth made me want to leap across his desk and slug him in the
face. Lance wasn’t a psycho because he struggled with his mind. He wasn’t weak because he couldn’t
find his footing. How dare my father paint him in such a light? Lance was more of a man than my
father could’ve ever been. It just so happened that depression swallowed him whole before he could
find his light.
“I mean, look at you, Landon. What the hell are you doing with your life? No college degree. No
goals. No future. You’re following directly in the footsteps of that loser, and your mother is leading
you there the same way she led him. I wouldn’t be surprised if you ended up six feet under, too.”
Chills raced throughout my body as acid rose up my throat. How could he say that shit? How
could he say he wouldn’t be shocked if I ended up dead like Lance?
“I fucking hate you,” I spat out, feeling the rage in my gut building up more and more with each
word my father spewed.
How could someone be so cruel?
Not a hint of remorse passed over his face. He didn’t feel bad for his words or even realize he
crossed a line.
He seemed almost smug about it, proud that he could see I’d taken a hit from his hurtful way.
Sitting back in his chair, he crossed his arms. “You hate me because I don’t baby you like your
mother does. It’s called tough love, Landon, and someone has to tell you like it is. You’ll never make
it in this world without a backbone and thick skin. People will walk all over you, and not everyone
will bottle-feed you like your mother. You’re nineteen years old now, and it’s about time you start
acting like it.”
“When are you going to start acting your age?” I barked back, gritting my teeth.
“This is my age, Landon. I’m a grown man who handles his business. I get that your mother babies
you, and I’m sure you have some people in your life who do the same, but it won’t always be like
that. At some point, they’ll grow tired of you and won’t put up with your bullshit ways anymore.
There’s a time limit for people caring about your sob story, and believe me when I say it will come
quicker than you think it will. At the end of Lance’s life, how many people did he have standing at his
tombstone? Pretty much no one. People don’t stick around for folks like Lance, for people like you.
So, suck it up, be a man, and change who you are and how you live. Otherwise, you’ll end up alone
and sad, living in your mother’s basement.”
“Coming here was a big fucking mistake,” I muttered, standing from the chair. “I forgot what type
of person you are.”
He began typing away at his computer, unmoved. “Yes, well. Close the door on your way out.” I
started walking away and listened as Dad called after me one last time. “There is one way I will
consider paying your mother’s divorce bills.”
 “And that is?”
“You go to law school like we planned. You can work here on the weekends and get your life
back on the right track.”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“Then your mother will figure it out. Don’t come back here until you’re ready to be a real man. As
long as your childish behavior continues, I want nothing to do with you.”
“I’ll never come back here,” I swore. “And I never want to see you again. The next time I see you
it will be at your damn funeral,” I murmured.
“Or at yours,” he shot back, his words coated in sinister hatred.
I couldn’t believe it was possible that my mother had loved a person like him.
I left his office feeling completely defeated, and angry, and sad—really fucking sad. Not because
my father was a fucking monster, but because I was unable to alleviate some stress in Mom’s life.
She needed a break, and I didn’t have a damn clue how to get it for her.
As I sat in my rental car outside of the law firm, I gripped the steering wheel tightly in my hands
and took a few deep breaths. My heart was racing, and I tried to stop the panic building in my head as
some of my father’s words played on a loop.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you ended up six feet under, too.
“That’s not me, that’s not me, that’s not me,” I repeated through my almost sealed shut lips. I
wasn’t the weak boy my father made me out to be. I wasn’t my uncle. I was scarred but not broken.
I held onto the steering wheel until I talked myself down from the darkness. I controlled my
breaths and reduced my heart rate to a steady beat. That was something I wouldn’t have been able to
do just months ago. My interaction with my father would’ve swallowed me whole for hours.
This time, it was only minutes.

“DID he really say that to you?” Shay asked, sitting cross-legged on my hotel bed. She came straight
over to see me right after school, and I ordered a pizza for us to share.
“Yup. He said I’d end up just like Lance—six feet under because I’m weak.”
“What a monster.” She sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t get how someone could say something
so cruel, especially to their own child.”
“He calls it tough love.”
“I call it blatant hate. I hope you don’t believe any of that stuff, Landon. I hope you know all those
words he said are lies. Out of everyone in this whole world, you’re one of the strongest people I
know. Your vulnerabilities are what make you strong, not weak, and I’m sorry your father made those
hurtful comments.”
“I’m just mad I’m not able to help my mom, that’s all.”
Shay began blotting her pizza with a napkin.
I cocked an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”
“Dabbing the pizza. It’s said doing this can save up to fifty calories per slice.”
“Sounds like some bullshit.”
She shrugged. “I’ll do whatever it takes to save a few calories.”
“Since when do you care anything about counting calories?”
“Um, since I’ve gained ten pounds over the past year from stress. I can’t go to college this way
and then deal with the freshman fifteen, so I’m on a diet.”
I stared at her as if she was fucking insane because she was talking fucking insane. “You don’t
need to be on a diet, Shay.”
“Yes, I do.”
“So, you’re giving up candy, too?”
She shoved me in the shoulder. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Smiling at her, I moved the plates to the side table. Then I scooted over to her and pulled her on
my lap. “I love every inch and every curve of you.”
Her lips turned up into the sweetest fucking smile. “Even if my butt turns into an Oompa
Loompa?”
“Hell yeah. I don’t know if you know this, but I consider myself an ass man through and through. I
would bury my face so deep in your Oompa Loompa, I’d find myself the path to the chocolate
factory.”
“Ew.” She squirmed and giggled as she rocked her hips against mine. “That sounds like a poop
reference.”
“I’d go to the chocolate enchanted forest for you,” I joked.
“Landon.”
“I will eat your Tootsie Rolls.”
“Oh my gosh. You went to California and got weird.”
“I’ve always been weird. This is nothing new.”
She wrinkled her nose and nodded. “That’s true. You did eat toilet paper out of another girl’s butt
before.”
“There wasn’t any toilet paper!” I pointed a stern finger at her and pushed my tongue in my cheek.
“Hey, remember that day you rubbed my head instead of my…head?” I smirked, remembering her first
attempt at a hand job. God, I loved that girl so much. I loved her innocence, her laughter, her mishaps,
her love.
“Shut up. I’ll have you know I’ve been working on my technique. I’ve been practicing.”
My eyebrow shot up. “With who?”
“Oh, you know. Randy, Jason, Jon, Henry…Walter, Nick. Mainly, any guy who crosses my path,”
she remarked.
I placed my hand on her lower back and pulled her closer to me, pressing her chest against mine.
“You trying to make me jealous, Chick?”
“Why? Is it working?” she asked, biting her bottom lip.
“Maybe a little.”
She smiled and leaned in close, placing her lips against mine. “Only ever you,” she whispered
before giving me a kiss. Her hands landed on my chest, sensing my heartbeats, and I hoped she knew
they beat only for her.
“I did learn some new techniques, though. Raine ordered me this…toy from an informercial.”
My interest piqued. “A toy, huh?”
“Don’t get too excited. It’s the same one she ordered for her nonna because her grandfather isn’t a
wild stallion anymore.”
“Well, let’s add that to the list of things I never needed to know about my friend’s grandmother.
I’m going to try to block that image out of my head for the rest of my life.”
“You know, it’s perfectly normal for the elderly to be sexually active. Did you know they are the
second leading age group most likely to get STIs?”
 “It’s like you’re trying to turn me off, Chick.”
She giggled, and dammit if I didn’t want to live with that sound forever. “Okay, sorry. Back to the
toy. You see, I learned motions with it,” she explained as she started gently rocking against my crotch.
She rubbed the fabric of her dress against my jeans, creating a friction of energy.
What the hell? I knew better than to wear jeans around this girl.
Fuck, okay. “What else did you learn?”
“Well…this.” She pulled her dress up, making her panties press against my crotch. They were
red, and lacey, and perfect, and hell, I wanted to bury my face in them before I ripped them right off
her body. She began circling her hips side to side. Rocking against my ever-growing cock, she was
making me lose my fucking mind. “It’s called the figure eight.”
I closed my eyes as she worked those magical fucking hips. “I’m here for the figure eight.”
“I think it works better with your jeans off.”
That was all she had to say to get me to stand and toss them to the side. She removed her dress,
too, leaving her in those red panties I was going to rip off and a crimson bra I was going to unhook
any second now. As I returned to the bed, she climbed back into my lap and began the figure eight
again, and ohmyfuck was it better with my pants off.
Her core rubbed up and down my cock as I cupped her ass in my hands and squeezed. She had the
perfect amount of ass to hold, but I swore I’d fuck around with her Oompa Loompa ass too if she had
it. Her breasts were right in my face, and I shoved my face between them. One hand moved around
her back to the hook of her bra, and like a magician, I undid it with one movement. She allowed the
fabric to fall.
Burying my face against her chest again, I sucked on each nipple like they were my main source of
sustenance. She moaned as my tongue flicked against her, and her figure eights kept going, making my
cock want to burst out of my boxer briefs.
As I continued to worship her perfect tits, I groaned as she slowed her movements, up and down,
up and down, up and…
“I want you so bad right now,” I growled, gently biting her nipple as she moaned in pleasure.
“I want you, too,” she whispered, moving her mouth to my ear and nibbling on it.
“Let me make love to you.” I sighed, feeling the throbbing of my cock as she kept up with her
slow movements. Note to self: Thank Raine for whatever toy she bought for Shay. Also note to self:
Never think of Raine’s nonna knowing anything about the figure eight.
“I want to make love to you,” she replied, placing a finger beneath my chin and tilting my head up
to lock eyes with me. Her mouth brushed against mine, and she sucked on my bottom lip. “I want to
ride you, Landon. I want to be on top, if that’s okay with you.”
Abso-fucking-lutely.
We removed our underwear and I lay back down. I grabbed a condom from my wallet and rolled
it on. She raced her fingers up and down my chest before she rubbed her core against my hardness.
“Fuck, Shay,” I groaned, feeling her wetness against me, feeling my want building more and more
as she pressed her core to my cock. “That feels so good.”
She wrapped her hand around my shaft and paused before sliding it into her body. “Wait—
do you want me to turn the light off? I know you’re more comfortable with—”
“No.” I cupped her tits in my hands and shook my head. I wanted to see all of her on top of me. I
wanted to watch her ride me, take me in, own me. I wanted to see those breasts bounce up and down.
I wanted to see every inch of her, every curve. I wanted all of this. I wanted to experience every
second of us making love. “Fuck me with the lights on.”
 She did exactly that. I slid into her wetness, she dug her nails into my shoulder blades as her
perfect tits bounced in my face, and she fucked me with the lights on.
Never in my life had I known sex could feel so good. Never in my life had I known my heart could
beat so hard for another. Never in my life had I thought love would find its way to me. Having sex
with Shay Gable wasn’t just amazing, it was a damn privilege, and I hoped like hell I’d be able to
make love to her for the rest of forever.
Once we both finished, her multiple times, we lay in the bed, breathless, our bodies entangled as
one. I brushed her hair from her face, and she snuggled deeper into my side.
“Every moment with you feels like my new favorite memory,” she whispered, biting her bottom
lip.
“I don’t know how I’m going to do it tomorrow. I don’t know how I’m going to get on a plane and
say goodbye to you again.”
“Never goodbye, only good night.” She kissed my lips. “I know this might not be the most
traditional way of having a relationship, but I’m okay with this, Landon. I want you to really know
that. This,” she said, placing a hand over my heart, “us,”—she placed my hand against her chest
—“this is us, and I love it. I love our twisted love story.”
“Me too,” I swore. “The second I board that plane, I’m going to be daydreaming about the moment
I’m able to come back to you.”
She leaned in and kissed my lips. “I have something for you,” she said, standing up from the bed.
She hurried over to her purse and pulled out a small box.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she opened it, revealing a heart-shaped necklace. It wasn’t like a
cartoon heart, but a real fucking heart—well, half of a heart. “It came with two necklaces. I have one
half, and you’ll have the other. That way, we’ll always have a piece of each other’s heart wherever
we go in life.” She shyly smiled and shook her head. “I know it’s kind of corny, so if you hate it, that’s
fine.”
“Hate it?” I remarked. “Never. I love it. Will you put it around my neck?”
She did as I said, and it shocked me how my love for that girl could keep growing every single
second.
“One day, I’m going to come back to you, and we’re going to live happily ever after, Shay.”
She placed her forehead against mine. “Promise?” she asked, sounding hopeful and scared all at
the same time.
I kissed her lips and held her close.
“Promise.”

THERE WERE SO many things to love about Shay, but my favorites were the small things, the little traits
that most people overlooked, like the fact that she always cracked the windows of her car, even if it
was twenty degrees outside. Or how when she drove, she’d crank the music up and sing so loudly and
painfully bad but look so damn adorable doing it. The fact that she never knew any of the right lyrics
to her favorite songs. Or how she still chewed on her collar when she was nervous. The fact that she
loved animals and couldn’t walk past a dog without wanting to pet it. Or how when she was happy,
she’d always state the fact out loud. She’d always say how happy and content she was even though
her smile always revealed it, too.
 I loved how her desk was always covered in paperwork from her latest projects. I loved how she
put a dash of coffee in her cream. I loved how she had to stand on her tiptoes to reach the top shelf of
her cabinets. I loved how she’d dance around the kitchen whenever she cooked a meal. I loved how
no matter how long I’d been gone, how long I’d been broken, she’d still welcome me back with arms
wide open.
I loved how she loved me unconditionally. I loved how the sound of her voice could bring me
back from the darkness.
I. Loved. Her.
Fully and completely.
Spending those few days with her felt like a reset to my entire being. Shay Gable was my life
support, and for that, I planned to someday give her the whole world. Until then, I’d give her every
piece of me.
When I left to return to Los Angeles, I struggled to let go, but I was determined to make my way
back to her somehow, somewhere.
“You know the drill, Landon. Three good things that happened in the past forty-eight hours. Go,”
Dr. Smith told me as she leaned back in her swivel chair. I’d been seeing her since Mom and I got to
California, and she had the laid-back vibe down to a T. I was waiting for the day she’d go full Mean
Girls on me and walk in and say, There are no rules in this office. I’m not like a regular doctor. I’m
a cool doctor.
She put her feet up on her desk and tossed a stress ball back and forth in her hands as she waited
for my reply.
We’d been meeting twice a week to unpack my mental boxes, and so far, it was going all right.
Even with her nontraditional practice, I knew I was getting through some of my issues.
One of the things that helped? Three good things.
Each time I saw Dr. Smith, I was responsible for telling her three good things that had happened
in the past two days. It was a way to focus on the good things in my present instead of dwelling too
much on the shitty things in my past.
At first, I’d found it pretty hard to come up with three good things, which had made me feel like
complete shit. Dr. Smith had been quick to shut down those feelings.
“It’s not a final exam, Landon. You can’t get it wrong, and there are no right answers. You
could say you got all green lights on the way over, and that works for me. That’s a good thing.”
My answers had started out pretty small. I had breakfast that morning. I had a bed to sleep in. I
had a therapist. Then, each week, after unloading some of the stuff in my head, it seemed like we were
making more room for me to see the good in every day.
Coming back from my time with Shay made it easy to think of my three good things.
“Shay, Shay, and Shay,” I said, swiveling in my own chair.
“You said the same thing three times.”
“Yup.”
She arched an eyebrow. “That doesn’t count. I need three different things.”
“But Shay is good enough to fill all three spots.”
“While I’m sure that’s true, that’s not how this works. Come on, think hard. Three different good
things.”
“All right. Shay, Shay’s kisses, and Shay’s grandmother’s cooking.”
Dr. Smith smiled. She slid her feet on the floor and rested her arms on it as she leaned in toward
me. “I bet I can guess what we’re going to be talking about today.”
 That was an easy enough thing to figure out.
“But didn’t you say you planned to see your father when you headed back to town, too? Do you
want to talk about that?” she asked.
My hands formed fists, and I twitched a bit. “Do we have to?”
Dr. Smith studied me with narrowed eyes and care in her stare. The way she looked at me
reminded me of how Mrs. Levi used to look at me, as if she really cared about my well-being.
“You know the rules, Land. We only talk about what you feel comfortable discussing.”
“Okay.” I nodded, shifting in my seat. “So, about Shay…”
December 8 th, 2004

Satan,

I can’t believe it’s been seven months since I last held you in my arms. Still haven’t won the lottery,
but I keep buying scratch-off tickets every time I go to the gas station. Fingers crossed!
My first semester of college is almost over, and I’m still amazed I didn’t chicken out of my
creative writing major. Just promise that if I end up homeless down the line with a creative writing
degree, you’ll stop by me and still give me chocolate? That will help my troubled heart.
The other day, Raine, Tracey, and I were watching TV, and would you believe it? We saw
someone with a striking resemblance to you on a Calvin Klein commercial. Jesus, Landon! You’re
in commercials! Commercials! My gosh, I’m so proud of you. Raine started shouting when she saw
it, jumping up and down on the couch like a monkey.
Me? I started crying because I’m so happy and inspired by you. I’m so proud. Also, I cried a
little because now the world knows about the magic of those abs beneath your shirt, and I am
going to have to fight off the fangirls more and more. I’ve been lifting in the gym lately to get
ready. I’m not afraid to pull out a woman’s extensions if she crosses a line.
Seriously, though, you’re amazing. Watching you live out your dream is so amazing to me.
I miss you. I miss you so much, and I feel like we are both even busier than before with school
and you taking over the acting world, but man, am I happy when one of your letters appears in the
mailbox.
I know we have our calls and our text messages, but these letters feel special to me. I like
having a collection of things I can reread whenever missing you becomes too much. I can feel your
love through the words, and you know how much words mean to me.
Speaking of words, I finished my favorite script of all time the other day, and I am insanely
afraid to let go of it just yet. I’m not ready for the rejection of something I’m so proud of, not yet,
at least. I’m going to sit on this one for a bit and hold it close to me before I release it to the
wolves.
Oh, also the girls and I are renting a townhouse next semester. I’m looking forward to more
space. It’s a hole in the wall, but it will be our hole in the wall. I hope you can come see it soon.
But yes, I’m happy, and proud, and desperately missing you, but not enough to request your
return while you’re living your dreams. Besides, sometimes it’s nice to have someone to miss.
Makes the reunion that much sweeter.
Love you times two.

-Chick

P.S. I tossed in some Starbursts. Only the pinks and reds because that’s how much I love you.
P.P.S. My father called me a number of times this week. I didn’t answer, but almost wanted to a
few times. I’m working through that in my head right now. I want to know what he wanted to say,
but also I want to know why I even care.
March 17 th, 2005

Chick,

Happy St. Paddy’s!

I hope you’re at some totally cliché college party and drinking green beer in celebration.
Today we are filming in Amsterdam. It’s my first real big role, and we’ll be out here for the next
few months. It’s crazy how beautiful it is over here. When I get a chance, I’m going to bring you to
Europe. I’m going to take you everywhere. I want to show you the whole world, Shay.
I want to say that everything about the acting world has been amazing, but some days, it’s
hard. I miss not having my therapist here, but we have Skype calls whenever we can fit them in.
Some days, my anxiety takes over, and I worry about my mind slipping away again, but I’ve
learned some pretty good coping techniques to tame my nerves.
As far as the acting goes, I’m not perfect. Every time I mess up, I get really down on myself,
thinking I’m wasting people’s time and money, which, I probably am doing. Everything in the
world of Hollywood is about those two things—time and money. After each shoot, I go back to my
hotel room and overthink how I could’ve been better.
Dr. Smith says that’s a bad thing to do, trying to rework the past when I can just apply what
I’ve learned to the future. Still, I struggle. One second at a time, I guess.
It’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s fake in this place, in the world of actors. It’s hard to tell
if people really like you, or if they are just acting, if they are just trying to network or build an
actual authentic connection and friendship. Everything comes with a layer of mystery to it, and
I’m not sure how I feel about it. I miss real. I miss raw. I miss you.
Speaking of you, in the last two letters I sent you, I asked for your screenplay to read, and I get
the feeling you casually ignored that request. I know it’s great, Shay, and maybe I can figure out a
way to get it in the right hands of someone in the industry.
I know you’re afraid of giving it to the wolves, but remember, I’m a sheep in wolf ’s clothing.
I’ll take care of your baby.
I tossed some Belgian chocolate into the package, and I’m praying they don’t melt. I also
added some chocolates from Switzerland for Raine, seeing as she claims to be Switzerland and
prides herself in keeping her nose out of other people’s business.
When I get back to the US and get a real break, I’m coming for you.
Looking forward to tasting your lips. Looking forward to holding you. Looking forward to
*you*.
Love you x2.

-Satan

P.S. I can’t believe your dad’s still calling you. If it’s bothering you, maybe it’s time to change your
number.
 4

Shay
Twenty years old

“HELLO ?” I whispered late one night in May as I lay in bed. The ringing phone awakened me, and I
sat up alert when I saw Landon’s name flash across the screen. It was past midnight, and we hardly
ever called on a whim without letting each other know ahead of time, so of course worry was the first
thing that came to mind.
“Hey, Chick,” he said, sounding calm. That allowed me to ease up on the nerves a little.
“Hey. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Sorry, I know it’s late, but I was feeling a little homesick, and I just needed to hear your
voice.”
My heart did that pitter-patter thing in my chest as I lowered myself back down to my pillowcase.
“You’re missing me, huh?”
“So damn much. Something’s going to have to give soon because man…I miss having you in my
arms.”
“Well, stop being so famous.”
“I’m not famous,” he said, yawning into the receiver.
“You’re sleepy.”
“Yeah, but I couldn’t sleep without hearing your voice. I was hoping I could fall asleep with you
on the other end of the line, listening to you talk to me.”
“Anything in particular you’d like to hear?”
“You could recite the ABCs, and I’d love it. Honestly, anything.”
“Like how my father showed up to my college campus looking for me?”
I heard the alertness in his voice. “Wait, what?”
“Yup. I noticed him walking around campus. This was after me ignoring a solid number of his
calls over the past few months and changing my number.”
“What did you do?”
“He saw me before I could run, so I ended up talking to him.”
“What did he want?”
 My stomach flipped from remembering the conversation. “Money. He said he found himself in a
tough spot and needed money to get by for food and stuff. I told him I was working a small campus
job and couldn’t help him, but he insisted I ask my mom for money and say it was for me. He wanted
me to be a liar like him.”
Landon blew out a breath of air. “What’s with our fathers being complete douchebags?”
“Well, we needed to have something in common,” I joked.
“What did you tell him?”
“That I wanted nothing to do with him, and he shouldn’t come back.”
“I’m proud of you,” he said. “I know that was probably hard for you.”
“A part of me wanted to hug him…why is that?”
“Because you’re human and understand that emotions are complex, but just because you feel a
certain way doesn’t mean you have to invite said person back into your life.”
That was exactly what I needed to hear.
I rolled onto my side and kept the phone pressed to my ear. “So, what do you want me to say next,
seeing how I don’t want to talk about my father anymore.”
“How about your screenplay?” he suggested. “I’d love to hear your words.”
I bit my bottom lip. “It’s not that great.”
“Bull crap. You said in your last letter it’s your favorite thing you’ve ever written.”
“I talk too much in those letters,” I joked.
“If you don’t want to share it, that’s fine.”
“No, I will. Nobody has read it yet, so if it sucks, please don’t tell me.” I laughed. “But I’m pretty
sure after you listen to it for five minutes, you’ll be snoring in no time.”
“Doubtful.”
I grabbed my script, turned on the lamp beside my bed, and began reading. As the words rolled
off my tongue, I fell more in love with the story I’d created. Every now and then, Landon would laugh
at the dialogue, or say “Wow,” making me feel even better about my work.
I’d expected him to fall asleep pretty early on. I thought he’d be deep in sleep by act two, but he
wasn’t. He was listening closely as if he fully enjoyed the read.
When I finished, he applauded through the phone, making my cheeks heat. “Did you really like it?”
“Are you kidding? I loved it. That script is just like the person who created it,” Landon said. “It’s
a masterpiece.”
I chuckled. “You’re so corny it’s disturbing.”
“Very disturbing. Trust me, I creep myself out,” he agreed. “Are you tired?”
“No, not really…not after reading the script.”
“Good. So…can you read it again?”
I fell asleep reading him my words, and I couldn’t have imagined a better way to slip into my
dreams.

“CAROL IS GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE,” Mom remarked, speaking of her co-worker during our
Sunday dinner.
Mima’s casserole sizzled as she set the pan down on the dining room table. Steam rose as my
grandmother began using her slotted spoon to scoop into the dish. The aromas of perfectly cooked
beef noodle casserole filled the space as my stomach grumbled in anticipation.
The three of us shared dinner every Sunday. During the week, we were all too busy to meet up. I
was only able to get away from school on the weekends, Mima’s yoga studio was taking off and
expanding to different locations, and Mom’s nursing schedule had been switched to night shifts.
Sundays were the only time we were able to get together and catch up on life.
For the past few years, Mom’s catching us up on life had involved a bit of bitterness on her
tongue.
She snarled as she told the story about Carol and her woes. “Can you believe the jerk slept with
Carol’s sister?! Her sister! I tell you, men are pigs. They will do anything and everything to ruin a
woman’s life. If I’d had any sense, I would’ve never dated in the first place.”
Mom and Dad’s—correction, Kurt’s, because he was no father of mine—divorce proceedings had
been completed for a while, and needless to say, Mom had never recovered from her hatred of the
man. Ever since Kurt’s betrayal of our family, Mom had turned into the leader of the WWLTHMC—
Women Who Love to Hate Men Club.
With a premium membership, you received weekly chocolates, a Lifetime channel subscription,
and a cat.
Sign me up ASAP—mainly for the chocolate, somewhat for the cat.
“It’s not all on the man, honey. The sister did have some part in the betrayal,” Mima added. “Plus,
there’s probably more to the story that Carol is leaving out. We shouldn’t judge.”
My grandmother never waded into the world of judgment when it came to other people’s affairs. I
assumed with age came experience, and with experience, one learned how not to judge others from
the outside looking in.
Mom was too wrapped up in her own experience at the moment. She was having a hard time not
being judgmental of others. I was learning that most of the people who were hurting, judged others’
lifestyles just to make themselves more comfortable with their own story.
At least Mom could say her husband hadn’t cheated on her with her nonexistent sister. I was
certain Carol had her beat on that front.
“I’m sure the cheater seduced the man somehow. Men are snakes, vicious beasts with venom. I,
for one, will never trust one again. I mean, honestly—if Jay-Z has the ability to do Queen Bey dirty,
what hope is there for us commoners?”
Mima raised an eyebrow. “Who’s Queen Bey?”
“Beyoncé,” I said, stuffing a forkful of noodles into my mouth. Most of the time when Mom went
on her rants, I kept quiet. Lately, it seemed as if she wasn’t looking for a reason or input on her hatred
toward men—she simply wanted to rant. If I had to hear how Bill did Hillary wrong during a meal
one more time, I was going to pull my hair out.
“What’s a Beyoncé?” Mima questioned, making me smile.
Oh, to be so disconnected from the world of celebrities that you didn’t even know who the queen
of music was.
“I’ll teach you when you’re older,” I joked, nudging my grandmother in the side.
My phone dinged, and I hurried to check it. A smile slipped across my lips as Landon’s name
flashed across the screen.
Landon: Are you around this week to reconnect? I’m in Chicago for some work and would love
to see you.
My fingers rapidly began typing as my cheeks ached from the depth of my smile.
Shay: Definitely will make time for you.
 Landon: I land late tonight. Can I drive up to you?
My mind began racing, thinking about the current state of the townhouse I shared with Tracey and
Raine. My bra and panties from my quick change that morning were probably still scattered across my
bedroom floor. There was a sky-high pile of dirty laundry in my laundry basket, and I was pretty sure
the wine stain on my comforter was still quite visible, even after using a Mr. Clean eraser. Word to
the wise: Don’t watch adorable videos of dogs getting adopted while drinking wine out of the bottle
in your bed. You’ll cry happy tears and awkwardly spill the wine all over your lap.
Plus, the common area of the house was a war zone due to three girls living together.
Needless to say, my place was a complete disaster and in no shape to have company, but never
doubt a woman’s ability to speed-clean when the prospect of cuddling Landon Harrison is on the
table.
Shay: Sounds good! I’ll see you soon.
“Sorry, ladies, it looks like I’ll have to cut dinner short tonight,” I explained, standing up from the
table.
Mima smiled. Mom grimaced.
“Was that Landon?” they both asked in unison, each with a completely different tone beneath her
breaths.
“It was. It turns out he’s in Chicago for a few days, and he’s planning to swing by tonight.”
“And of course, you drop all your plans to fit into his,” Mom griped. “I don’t like this, Shannon
Sofia. I’ve been watching you over the past few years, dropping everything to make time for this boy.
What exactly is he sacrificing for you?”
If I’d had a dollar for every time Mom grumbled at the idea of my complicated love story with
Landon, I’d been rich enough to open an amusement park.
I walked over to her and kissed her on the forehead. “I would love to engage in this conversation,
really, but I have to go clean and get ready. I love you ladies. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Send Landon my love,” Mima exclaimed. “Tell him I saw him on that commercial, too—the
toothpaste one. I had a client of mine pull it up on that YouTube site, and we watched it fifteen times!”
That made me smile. For all the annoyance Mom had toward Landon, Mima had pride.
Landon had to have been the luckiest boy in the world. He hadn’t even had to do the painful
search for an agent. Three of the biggest acting agencies in the world came to him, offering to
represent him at their firms. Could you imagine? Not having to experience the daunting task of getting
down on your knees and offering up your firstborn child to an agency in order for them to even think
about giving you a chance?
Oh, dream a little dream with me.
“I’ll let him know, Mima.” I kissed her forehead.
“Oh, wait! Let me pack him up some leftovers—just wait here.” She hurried into the kitchen to get
Tupperware, leaving me alone with Mom and her displeasing looks.
I sighed. “Okay. Go for it,” I offered, giving her the floor to flood me with her disappointment.
“Please, go ahead and tell me how I’m making the biggest mistake.”
“You’re making the biggest mistake,” she echoed. “I know you think this is all fun and games, but I
want you to be careful with your heart,” Mom scolded, the same scolding I’d been getting for almost
three years now. “He’s long distance and rising to fame. Women surround him day in and day out.
He’s living in a world where unfaithfulness is so easily achieved.”
Ever since Mom had found out about Dad’s cheating all those years ago, she was convinced
everything with a penis had misplaced values.
 I hadn’t cared much what she thought, though, because she only saw my relationship from the
outside looking in. She didn’t experience the warmth of Landon’s love, the comfort he delivered me
even when he was miles away.
Sure, our situation wasn’t typical, but it was ours, and I knew better than to let my mother’s
thoughts taint my relationship. The moment you invite others into your personal affairs, they come
with their toxic opinions and poison your story. I wasn’t going to let that happen with Landon and me.
Whatever we had deserved the love and respect of our own privacy.

“OH MY GOSH, TELL US EVERYTHING .” Raine beamed as she sat across from Landon at the dining room
table with her chin on her hands in amazement. “Tell me everything about being famous.”
That privacy I thought Landon and I would get?
Not going to happen with Raine living in the same place as me. She was so giddy seeing her best
friend, and I couldn’t blame her. I was just as excited—even more so than her.
Landon looked so good, so grown-up.
He had facial hair that was groomed to perfection, and he smelled like sex appeal and honey.
Since he’d arrived, I hadn’t allowed myself to be far from his side.
I sat in the chair next to him, and he hadn’t removed his hand from my thigh, massaging it up and
down.
“I’m not famous.” Landon chuckled, giving Raine a smile. “I honestly don’t know what’s been
happening to me, or why it’s been happening to me, but I feel like I’ll one day wake up and it will all
be a dream.”
“You know what I hate?” Raine asked, crinkling her nose up.
“What’s that?” Landon replied.
“When really famous people claim they aren’t famous. That’s like when rich kids are like ‘Oh,
I’m not rich, my parents are.’ Like, shut up, Susan. You can’t say you’re not rich while driving your
Mercedes Benz wearing your Gucci shoes. That’s not how that works.”
I chuckled at my dramatic friend. “She is right, though. You are famous, Landon. The world has
seen your tushy in boxer briefs. That’s the top layer of fame.”
“And what a cute little tushy-wushy it is,” Raine mocked, leaning over to pinch his cheeks. “I’m a
proud big sister.”
“For the millionth time, I’m older than you, Raine,” Landon remarked.
“By age, not by maturity.” She darted her eyes back and forth between the two of us. Then her
stare moved to Landon’s hand caressing my upper thigh. “Is this about to get a little PG-13? Should I
leave?”
“You should probably leave,” I joked.
She nodded in agreement. “Okay, well, don’t make plans tomorrow night, Landon. We’re going to
have everyone over for a reunion. Now, go do whatever it is you’re planning to do, you two lovebirds
—but remember, these walls are thin, and my bedroom is right next door to Shay’s.”
I laughed. “I know, and I’m reminded of how thin the walls are every time Hank stays the night.”
She gave me a smile and a wink. “We broke the headboard the other night.”
Landon jumped in. “And I think that falls into the realm of too much information. I don’t want to
think about Hank and you banging and breaking headboards. You are like a big sister to me, after all.”
 Raine walked around and patted him on the back. “You’re old enough to know that your sister gets
laid, Landon—at least four times a week in many different positions.”
“Raine,” Landon groaned, slapping his hand to his face. “Too much information.”
“I bet you won’t think it’s too much information when Shay breaks out some of the moves from the
Kama Sutra book I gave her. Good night, kiddos.”
She hurried off, and Landon was staring at me with a highly arched eyebrow.
“What?” I asked.
“What’s this about a Kama Sutra book?” His lips curved up into a wicked grin.
I rolled my eyes. “It’s nothing. Raine is just a sex-driven girl. She said she and Hank needed to
spice things up after being together so long.”
“I like spice. Spice is my favorite thing. What are some of the names of the moves in the book?
What are we trying tonight?”
I felt my face heating up from the idea of it all. “None.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Oh crap. You’ve really read this book, haven’t you?”
“What? No. Not at all.”
He smirked and pointed a finger. “You have one on the tip of your tongue. I can tell. Do share.”
“Well…” I pulled the collar of my shirt between my lips and shrugged. “There is this thing called
the butterfly.”
The way his eyes smiled along with his lips made my cheeks heat even more. He rose to his feet.
“Come on, let’s go. I’m going to butterfly the hell out of you.”
The night resulted in a lot of failed attempts at sexual positions.
“Is your toe supposed to be in my ear?” Landon asked, holding back his laughter. “If you start
swirling that pinky toe around my earlobe, I’m going to explode from being so fucking turned on.” I
giggled and began wiggling my toe in his ear. “Oh fuck, Shay, yes, yessss! I love it when you toe me,”
he mocked, moaning in a dramatic tone.
My stomach started aching from my laughter as I dropped my foot from his head and let it fall on
the bed. Landon fell against me, pretending to be completely out of breath.
“There’s nothing as good as a good night toe-fucking,” he said.
“Next time, I’ll use my big toe.”
“Don’t turn me on so quickly. I have to refuel the tank.”
I lay my head against his bare chest, and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in closer. A
simple embrace could’ve felt so sexually charged, but lying completely nude next to Landon felt more
like comfort, like I was wrapped in the coziest blanket of my life.
“I have news to share,” he said, making me look up from his chest. “I think it’s kind of cool.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“A few months back, I auditioned for a drama film with Kilt Entertainment. It was a leading role
and way out of my league.”
“No way. That’s a huge deal!” Kilt Entertainment was a huge production company known for
making Oscar-worthy films. They worked with the cream of the crop, and they had the Midas touch.
Everything they made turned into gold.
“Why didn’t you say anything before?” I asked. If it were me, I would’ve been bursting at the
seams to share that news.
“I didn’t want to bring it up before there was an actual chance I’d land the part. But well, lo and
behold…”
I sat up in the bed. “Shut up.” My heart thumped hard in my chest as I stared at Landon’s giddy
smirk and the sparkle in his eyes. “You got it?! You’re going to be the lead in a Kilt Entertainment
film?!”
“I guess I am. I’m not supposed to tell anyone yet, but I mean, you’re not just anyone. You’re the
one—the only one I really wanted to tell right away.”
“Your secrets are always safe with me, but holy crap. Landon, this is a big deal. This is massive.
Oh, my gosh.” I covered my mouth with my hands as my eyes welled up with emotions. There was no
one in this world who deserved something so big, something so massive to happen for him more than
Landon. “This is huge. This is one of those moments, the life-changing ones that turn your life upside
down. You are amazing.” I leaned in and kissed him. “You are so, so amazing.”
“Everything I have in this life is because of you.”
Did he hear it? Did he hear my heart skipping as those words rolled off his tongue?
He shifted in the bed and sat up a little. “Guess who’s the female lead?”
I raised a brow.
He smiled. “You’re going to like this. You’re going to love it.”
“Who?”
“Sarah Sims.”
My mouth hit the dang floor when he said her name. Sarah freaking Sims! Also known as one of
the most amazing actresses of this day and age. Sarah freaking Sims had the trifecta of talents. She
was an award-winning actor, director, and screenwriter. She’d been in the world of film since she
was five. Her father was Jack Sims, one of the most prolific screenwriters in the history of ever, and,
and, and! Sarah Sims was a holder of the greatest award in the whole world.
She was an EGOT winner. She’d received all four of my goals in life: an Emmy, Golden Globe,
an Oscar, and a Tony.
She was one of my biggest idols in the whole wide world, and Landon was going to be working
right beside her.
Wow, wow, wow.
“Tell her I love her,” I choked out, the hairs on my arms standing up from the idea of it all. “Tell
her I love her and aspire to be just like her, and think she is the most talented, beautiful, breathtakingly
talented woman ever.”
He laughed. “You said talented twice.”
“I know. She’s that good.”
He arched an eyebrow. “Do you have a girl crush on this woman? Should I be worried?”
“Only if you ever let me anywhere near her. I’m a pretty classy girl, but if I get around Sarah
freaking Sims, I can’t guarantee I won’t feel the need to dry-hump her leg.”
“I feel oddly disturbed and turned on all at once.”
“This is huge, Landon. Do you realize that? This is huge for you.”
He shrugged, very nonchalant about it all. He didn’t seem to realize his life was about to change
forever. A small knot of nerves formed in my gut as that realization truly settled.
His life was about to change forever. His life, which was already busy was going to become even
more insane. I couldn’t shake the small fear of wondering how I’d end up fitting into this new world
of his. We’d hardly had much time as it was, yet when Landon’s career took off—which it would—
how would we manage to figure out a way to make us work? He was moving full speed ahead, and I
was hardly moving inches. I was at a standstill with my dreams, and sometimes, I couldn’t see how
I’d ever be able to keep up with Landon’s.
It was almost as if he knew the worries floating in my mind because he pulled me closer to him
and wrapped me in his embrace.
“You’ll have to come out while we’re filming. Maybe you’ll be able to stay for a week or so. I
have money now, Shay. We can make trips a more frequent thing.”
“I can’t do that, Landon. I can’t have you paying for such big trips.”
“I want to,” he expressed. “I want you there with me. If I’m honest, I don’t know how much longer
I can go without seeing you on a somewhat regular basis, maybe even once a month. I just want to
make sure I’m giving you as much of me as possible, Shay. I want to make sure I’m good enough for
you. Also, I selfishly want to fall asleep with you in my arms more and more.”
My heart skipped a beat, feeling as if we were finally getting closer to the dream of us I’d been
hoping for. “Really?”
“Really. The money isn’t an issue. I want you around more. I need you around. I know you have
school and all, but we can work around your schedule, too. For the first time in a long time, I feel as
if everything’s getting better. The stars and the moon are aligning, and I want to look up at that sky
with you.”
I bit my bottom lip. “Can I meet Sarah Sims if I come visit you on set?”
He laughed. “Oh God no. You’ll leave me for her in a heartbeat, and I cannot take that type of
rejection.”
“Hmph. You’re probably right. Plus, I bet Sarah has magical butterflying skills.”
“I’m going to nail that butterfly position before I leave, dammit, and you’re going to forget Sarah
Sims even exists.”
I snickered. “Very unlikely about me forgetting she exists, but I encourage you to keep trying the
butterfly.”
“I’m not one to give up easily, fret not.”
“I’m so happy,” I said, running my hands through my hair. “I’m so happy you’re here, and I’m so
happy you’re achieving your dreams.” I beamed ear to ear and sighed. “I’m just so happy, Landon.”
“Someday soon, I’ll be acting in one of your creations,” he said, placing his lips against mine. It
was as if he saw the insecurities I had of my own dreams not coming to fruition and kissed them to
sleep. “You’re next, Shay. You’re up next, and the world will be better because of your words.”
He brushed his nose against mine, giving me Eskimo kisses before placing a kiss on my forehead.
“You know what I want to do right now?” he whispered. His hot breaths rolled against the nape of
my neck.
“What’s that?”
“I want to butterfly you again.”
The rest of the night was filled with making love, making jokes, and having fun.
It was so easy to smile whenever Landon was around me, and that night, he was in such a good
frame of mind. I loved watching him be happy, be healthy, be with me.
We laughed so hard that tears formed in our eyes and rolled down our cheeks from the ridiculous
adventures of Shay, Landon, and the Kama Sutra. I loved how safe I felt with him and how he held my
body as if he was worshiping gold. Never in my life had I known just being in someone’s arms could
make you feel so much like you’re at home. His skin against my skin, and my head resting against his
chest…home. This was home to me.
Our breaths weaved in and out in harmony as we closed our eyes that night. One breath in, one
breath out. Calm breaths that felt so at peace, so in harmony, so extremely right. It was hard being
away from Landon for such long periods of time, but the reunion was always worth it. This thing we
had was real, and it was ours.
 Feeling his chest rise and fall was one of my favorite sensations. I’d never felt so close to a
human in all my life.
One breath in, one breath out…
I closed my eyes to fall into slumber, knowing that when I dreamed of home that night, I’d dream
of his heartbeats.

ON OUR LAST NIGHT TOGETHER, I woke up in the middle of the night due to movements against the
comforter. Rubbing the tiredness from my eyes, I rose up on my elbows to find Landon sitting up on
the edge of the bed with his phone in his hands. His head was down and staring at a message.
“You okay?” I asked, yawning. He didn’t reply. The sky was still pitch black. The only light that
shone in my room was the light from the cell phone. How long had he been sitting there, staring at the
glow?
I moved over to him and placed my hand against his stiff back. “Lan, what is it?”
“My, um…” He sniffled and brushed his hand beneath his nose. “It’s my dad. He had a heart
attack.”
“Oh my gosh.” I sat up straighter. “I’m so sorry. Is he okay?”
“I don’t know. I woke up to go to the bathroom and saw a message on my phone from his assistant,
April. It was sent over four hours ago. He’s at St. Luke’s Hospital.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
He grimaced. “No. You don’t have to come with me. It’s late, and you should rest. I should get
over there, though, to see how he’s doing.”
“Landon, don’t be ridiculous. Come on, get dressed. I’ll drive.”
He did as I told him, and we hopped into the car. The whole ride there was silent, and Landon sat
with his hand wrapped around the heart necklace I’d given him as he stared out the passenger
window. I didn’t want to give him any words of encouragement because I knew anything would
probably seem bleak to him. I could tell his mind was spinning. I’d spent enough time with Landon to
know when his head was messing with him, based on his facial expressions. His brows were low and
hard, and his left foot tapped repeatedly against the floor mat of the car. His jawline was clenched,
too.
Every now and then, I’d reach over and give his knee a comforting squeeze, a simple reminder
that he wasn’t alone. I knew how sometimes his mind could make him feel that way, so it was my job
to slip in little reminders that it wasn’t the truth.
The sun was just beginning to rise when we pulled into the hospital. We hurried inside, and the
moment we turned the corner to the waiting room, someone called out to Landon. We turned around to
find a woman standing there in a peacoat and high heels. She had a small frame and looked a bit older
than us, perhaps in her thirties or so.
“April, what’s going on?” Landon asked.
April—his father’s assistant.
She appeared flustered and nervous, but I supposed hospitals had a way of making people feel
those things.
“He’s in recovery. It seemed to be a bad one this time, worse than the last. That was why I called
you.”
 “Worse than the last?” Landon asked, his brow knitted. “What do you mean worse than the last?”
April crossed her arms. “He had a mini heart attack a few months back. I was going to tell you,
but he made sure to tell me not to, saying it was his business and he didn’t want you to know. This
time was different. I was so scared when it happened that—”
“You were there when it happened?” Landon cut in.
April’s eyes widened with shock. I took a quicker look at her appearance and noticed that the hem
of her garment peeking out beneath her peacoat looked like satin—satin with a trim of lace.
April caught my stare and tugged on the bottom of her coat. “I, um, I was.”
Landon didn’t hesitate with his next question. “Are you screwing him?”
April shook her head. “That’s none of your business, Landon, and it’s highly inappropriate for you
to be asking.”
“Spare me the scolding, April. You’re like six years older than I am, and I don’t need a lecture
about what’s appropriate from a woman who’s screwing her boss.”
She parted her lips to argue but then paused when she realized she couldn’t lie about the situation.
“Mrs. Harrison, sorry to interrupt, but your husband is awake if you’d like to see him. He’s in
room 2033,” a nurse said, walking over to the three of us and throwing another curveball into the
situation.
Landon’s face paled as the words left the nurse’s mouth.
“Thank you,” April muttered, her tone brusque.
“What the hell does that mean?” Landon barked. “Why did she call you Mrs. Harrison?”
“I think we all know what marriage is, Landon.” She stood taller, but nowhere near tall enough to
meet Landon eye to eye. “Your father and I love each other. We have for a while, and after the divorce
was finalized, we were finally able to act on it.”
“Why do I think that’s bullshit, and you didn’t wait to act on it at all?” he murmured. “Screw it.
I’m not here to talk about whatever the hell circus you and my father are living. I’m here to make sure
he’s all right. So, if you will excuse me, I’m going to see my father.”
He took my hand into his and pulled me away from April and her revelations.
We headed to his father’s room, and when we reached the door, I paused my steps. “I’ll wait
here.”
“You can come in,” he offered.
“I think this is something you should do on your own with your father.”
“Please, Shay,” he said softly, voice low. “I need you in there with me.”
I couldn’t say no to that request. If he needed me to, I’d follow him to the end of the world.
“Okay.” I nodded, squeezing his hand in mine. “I’m here.”
 5

Landon

DAD WAS LYING in the hospital bed, looking drained as ever. I supposed looking as if you’d gone to
hell and came back battered and bruised was common after having a heart attack.
Shay came into the room with me and stood back in the corner, not wanting to get too involved
with my interaction with my father. At least she was there, though. Knowing she was in the same room
as me made it that much easier to breathe.
“Hey, Dad.” I grimaced as I approached his bedside.
He looked over to me and huffed before turning to face the window. There were machines
beeping around him, wires running all around. Oxygen tubes sat in his nose, and each breath he took
seemed to exhaust him.
“What are you doing here?” He exhaled as if the effort of those words was enough to shave three
years off his life.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. April messaged me and—”
“I told her not to.” He frowned deeply.
“I’m happy she did.”
Grumbling sounds came from him as he moved around slightly in the bed. “Who’s the girl?”
I glanced at a nervous-looking Shay in the corner. “She’s my girlfriend.” It was a term we’d never
used before, girlfriend or boyfriend, but I figured it was a given that Shay was mine, and I was hers.
We’d just never really needed labels to express that fact.
Dad eyed Shay up and down and shook his head. “You think you’re good enough to keep a girl
happy?”
Fuck you, Dad.
I cleared my throat and stuffed my hands into my pockets, not wanting to be a dick toward the dick
who’d had just had a heart attack.
“He is,” Shay shouted, her voice loud and stern. “He’s more than enough.”
“Wait until he crumples,” he muttered, shutting his eyes. “You can always count on that son of
mine to crumple and leave you with his mess.”
Shay stepped forward to give Dad a few choice words, but I held up a hand to stop her. It didn’t
matter what he thought anyway. He was just an old man with a cold heart. He’d never understood me,
and he never would.
Still, I hadn’t had a choice about showing up to check on him. Call it stupidity, but even if I didn’t
love my father, I still cared to know that he was all right.
“If you’re not here to tell me you’re back in school and coming to the firm, then leave,” he told
me. “I don’t want pity from the most pitiful.”
“I’m an actor, Dad, and I just landed a starring role in a huge film. I’m not going to be a lawyer. I
was never going to be a lawyer.”
“What is it with you that makes you so content with being mediocre?” he grumbled.
“He’s not mediocre,” Shay shot in, marching up to his bedside.
“Shay, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. It’s not fair, and it’s not right for him to talk to you like that. Mr. Harrison, your son
is talented beyond belief, and he is making something of himself. Just because he’s not growing into
what you think he should be doesn’t mean he’s not achieving greatness, and the moment he found out
about this, he put all his feelings aside and came rushing to see you because he cares for you that
much. It’s cruel for you to treat him this way when he showed up in your time of need.”
“Little girl, I don’t know who you think you are, but you are stepping into the wrong territory,”
Dad warned.
“As are you,” Shay replied, standing tall. If she was nervous, she didn’t reveal it. She didn’t
tremble a lick.
I cleared my throat. “Listen, you’ve been through a lot, so we’re going to get out of your hair. I’m
glad you’re okay, Dad. I wish you the best.”
“Don’t call me Dad. It’s clear you have no drive to come back to your roots; therefore, you are not
my son anymore. You are nothing to me. Don’t come back here. I never want to see you again.”
He turned away from me and stared out the window without offering another word.
Shay looked at him, baffled by my father’s coldness, but it was nothing new to me. The last time
I’d seen him, he had said he wouldn’t be surprised if I took my own life. I wasn’t shocked that he was
still harsh, even after a life-threatening issue.
My father’s heart had been damaged long before his heart attack.
We turned around to walk away, and my father spoke once more as we made our way out.
“He’s going to hurt you, and then you’ll be left a fool.”
The words were obviously directed toward Shay, a last-ditch effort to get in a dig at me.
I took Shay’s hand into mine, and I saw the fire still burning in her eyes indicating that she was
still ready to fight, but it wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth it.
As we left the room, April was standing there with worried eyes. “You didn’t stress him out, did
you? His heart has already been through so much. He doesn’t need any added stress.”
I didn’t say a word to her.
I was still replaying Dad’s digs at me inside my head.
Don’t let those remarks settle, Landon. Be better than him. Be stronger.
Shay gave April the dirtiest look and tilted her head with narrowed eyes. “I hope you never
change because it appears Landon’s father cannot handle people who experience personal growth.
Otherwise, be careful. He only holds on to things that agree with his jaded views.”
We walked off, leaving April standing there dazed and confused.
Whatever went on with my father was her problem to deal with.
As we stepped outside into the fresh air, the morning sun beamed against our skin. Shay was quick
to pull me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Landon. I had no clue what kind of monster your father was. I
can’t believe he was that cruel, even after what he just went through. You would think a near-death
experience would make him humbler.”
“My father does humility the same way he does love—he doesn’t.”
“Still, what he said to you was cruel.”
“Ah, if I had a dollar for every time someone said something cruel to me, I’d be rich enough not to
care,” I joked. I reached forward to open the passenger door to her car, and Shay placed her hand
upon my arm to halt me.
“Landon, you know those things he said aren’t true, right?”
“It’s all right, Shay. My dad just talks. That’s all.”
“Yeah, but please tell me that you know his words don’t hold any truth to them.”
I gave her a half-hearted smile. She frowned as she took both of my hands into hers and placed
them against my chest. Then she began repeating the words she’d said to me the night I first showed
her my scars. “You are smart. You are talented. You are handsome. You are good, Landon Harrison.
You are so good it makes me ache that anyone in this world might think differently.”
God. How did she do it? How did she help soothe my erratic thoughts?
“What are you thinking?” she asked me, staring up with those chocolate eyes. “What’s going
through your mind right this second?”
I swallowed hard, pushing a hand beneath my nose. “Why do I care so much for a man who
doesn’t even love me? Why do his comments always sting a little more?”
“Because you love him,” she answered. “Even when it hurts, you love him. That’s the problem
with love—you can’t shut it off just because it’s not reciprocated.”
“Do you still love your father? After everything he’s done to your family?”
“Pieces of him, yes.” She nodded. “Even when I don’t want to, there are pieces of that man that I
love, or memories, more so. Like how, when I was a little girl, he’d lie with me in the grass and we’d
name what shapes the clouds looked like. Or how whenever he’d come home after being away for a
long time, he’d come into my room, tuck me in, and kiss my forehead. Or how he’d help me with my
writing or acting and critique me. I love those pieces of him, the memories—but I also love myself
enough not to let him back in, to not let him close enough to affect me any more than he already has.
The love I have for him stays in those memories. They rest in the past, and I refuse to let them into my
future.”
“How’d you get so smart?”
She smiled, which always made me smile, too. “I’ve watched a lot of Dr. Phil with Mima.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Really, Landon, don’t let any of those things your father said settle, okay? I know it’s easier said
than done, but try not to.”
I pulled her into a side hug and kissed her forehead. “Will do. Now can we go get some
breakfast? I’m starving.”
She kept staring at me with narrowed eyes, almost trying to look past the words I was giving her
to find the dialogue running through my head.
Don’t look too closely, Chick. It’s not too nice right now.
I smiled and nudged her. “Food,” I pleaded. “Please?”
She shifted her heavy eyes and nodded. “Yes. Of course.”
We hopped into the car, and I turned on the music. It didn’t take long for Shay to start bopping
around and singing poorly, and I sang, too, because I knew she was worried about me and my
thoughts.
Even though I sang and smiled, my mind was still replaying Dad’s words in my head.
You’re not my son.
You can always count on that son of mine to crumple and leave you with his mess.
Those statements played on a loop in my head as I sang the words to some top forty song. That
was one of the things about anxiety and depression—every now and again, it came with masks, masks
to help shield your loved ones from your suffering because you knew how much it would hurt them,
masks to protect them from the pain you felt.
So, I put on my mask.
I pretended I was all right for her. I didn’t want her to worry. I didn’t want her to be concerned
that the mechanics of my mind were currently jammed up and fucking with me. It was working, too.
The longer we drove, the more at ease Shay became. She relaxed into her seat and stopped glancing
my way to make sure I was okay.
The problem with wearing the masks was that when you wore them for too long, they would begin
to crack. After the masks cracked, they eventually shattered, and when mine shattered, she’d be left
with my mess.
I’d take it off soon. I’d allow myself to breathe without faking as if I were okay, but not during my
time with Shay. During my time with her, I’d be okay. I’d be my happy self and not show her my scars.
Our actual time together was so short, and I didn’t want to spoil it with deep talks about my flawed
psyche.
She deserved a happy version of Landon, so that was what I’d give her.
Then I’d go back to Los Angeles and crumple in the rightful place: inside Dr. Smith’s office,
where crumpling was not only allowed, it was encouraged. “You have to knock down some fences to
get to greener pastures, Landon.” I was planning to knock them all down, too, because once I did the
work on me, I could focus even more attention on Shay and me being together. Until then, I just had to
keep unpacking my mind boxes one at a time, unloading them on the right people—not Shay.
We stopped for food, and I kept the mask on nicely.
When we were almost home, my phone rang, and April’s name popped up on the screen. A knot
formed in my gut, I turned down the radio, and Shay’s crappy-yet-intoxicating singing came to a halt.
“Hello?” I said, answering the call. April didn’t say anything at first. All I heard was the wailing
of her tears as she sobbed uncontrollably. What the hell? “What’s going on?” I asked.
“You!” she cried. “You did this. This is your fault,” she bellowed, her voice cracking as she fell
apart.
Wait, what?
She kept going on and on about how after we left, he suffered another massive heart attack and
went into cardiac arrest.
He was pronounced dead thirty minutes after I left the hospital.
The phone dropped from my hand and hit the floor mat.
“What is it?” Shay asked, glancing my way. “What’s going on?”
“It’s my father,” I choked out.
“Yeah? What about him? Is he all right? Should we go back?”
“No.” I shook my head as acid begun rising up my throat. “He’s dead.”
I HAD to call my mother to tell her the news about Dad, and when she found out, she wailed on the
other end of the line as if a piece of her soul had been stolen away, the same way April had cried.
Even after everything that man had put my mother through, she still found tears to mourn him.
I didn’t cry. I should’ve broken down, and should’ve fallen apart, but I didn’t.
I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel upset. I didn’t feel crushed.
I felt nothing.
Numbness raced through me, swallowing me whole.
Shay drove me back to her place, and I could see the worry in her eyes, but I couldn’t respond to
it. I couldn’t talk. Words seemed too exhausting.
She sat in front of me on her bed as I stared forward, not looking at anything in particular.
“How can I help you?” she asked, rubbing her hands up and down my thighs. “What can I do?”
I shook my head.
Nothing. She could do nothing.
Sometimes, there was nothing to do. Sometimes, all a person could do was sit.
So we sat.
We lay.
She slept.
I didn’t.
 6

Shay

HE HADN ’ T SPOKEN in over twenty-four hours.

When Landon’s mother called his phone to check on him, I answered because he hadn’t left the
bed. She was overseas and was scrambling to get a flight home, but wouldn’t be able to make it for
another twenty-four hours.
“What should we do?” Raine whispered as she, Hank, Eric, and I sat in the living room. “He has
to eat something. He hasn’t left that room since you two got back.”
“I know, but he won’t move. He won’t talk. He won’t do anything. I was surprised he even got up
to go use the bathroom,” I said.
“His father was an asshole,” Hank grumbled. “He treated Landon like shit.”
“True, but he still loved him,” I replied.
Eric frowned and scratched at the back of his neck. He was in school up in Wisconsin and had
driven down the second Raine informed him about what had happened. Greyson was dealing with
some of his own personal issues but would be on his way as soon as possible.
“This can’t be good for him, for his mind. You know how dark that place can get for Land. He’s
already been through so much shit, and he was getting better. He is getting better, but I feel like this is
going to throw a big wrench into his progress,” Eric said. “He’s come so far, but fuck. This is heavy. I
don’t know if he can carry the weight of it right now.”
“I’m fine.”
We all looked up to the hallway where Landon was now standing. His hands were stuffed in his
pockets, and his shoulders were rounded forward.
“You all don’t have to worry about this,” he commented, tapping on the side of his head. “I’m
fine.”
“Dude, you don’t have to be fine right now,” Hank told him. “Your father passed away, and that’s
big.”
“Like you said, Hank, he was an asshole and treated me like shit. I’m better off without him. Not
like he wanted me anyway.”
Those words pulled at my heart. I stood and walked over to him. “What can we do? How can we
help?”
“For starters, you can all stop moping around,” he said, brushing his hand beneath his nose. “I’m
fine. Eric, I know you drove a long way down here, but you didn’t have to. I already sent Grey a text
and told him to stay where he was. He’s dealing with his own tornado—he doesn’t need to come into
mine. I’m just going to nap for a bit. You can all go your own ways.”
He turned on his heels and headed back to my bedroom.
I looked back at our friends, and they all wore somber looks on their faces. “We’ll be right here,”
Eric said sternly. “We’re not leaving. Now go ahead—he gestured toward the hallway—
“go take care of our boy.”
I nodded in agreement and turned to walk toward my bedroom. Each step I took felt heavy. I
didn’t know how to give Landon what he needed because he wasn’t saying anything. He wasn’t
opening up. He wasn’t letting me—or anyone—in.
As I entered my room, I saw his body curled up in a ball. He hugged one of my pillows, and his
eyes were shut. He looked so fragile, so broken.
I crawled onto the bed and lay behind him. I wrapped my body around his and snuggled up against
him, feeling his chilled skin against my warmth.
“You don’t have to do that,” he commented.
“Do what?”
“Hold me.”
That was when I held on tighter. I knew when people say you don’t have to hold on to them, that’s
when you need to hold on the most. I’d done it for my mother on the nights she cried after she learned
about my father’s betrayal. I’d crawled into her bed, wrapped her in my embrace, and held on tight.
I did the same for Landon, thinking of Mima’s words as I did so.
Sé valiente. Sé fuerte. Sé amable. Y quédate.
Be brave. Be strong. Be kind. And stay.

LANDON WASN ’ T NOTIFIED of when his father’s funeral was taking place. April hadn’t replied to any
of his messages, so we had to track the information down on our own. When Landon, his mom, and I
showed up to the church where the funeral was being held, we were stopped almost immediately
when April saw us walking into the building.
“No,” she stated in her all-black outfit. Her eyes were puffy as if she hadn’t slept in days, and her
hair was pulled up into a perfectly crafted bun. “You can’t be here.”
Landon stuffed his hands into the pockets of his gray slacks and shrugged. “He was my father. I
think I have a right to be here more than you do.”
“That’s not how Ralph would’ve wanted it,” she disagreed.
Landon’s mother stepped forward, standing tall with her shoulders rolled back. “Yes, well, that’s
not a call for you to make.”
“You definitely shouldn’t be here,” April scolded, eyeing Landon’s mother up and down. “You’re
the last person he’d want here.”
“I was married to him for over twenty years. And you were, what? Screwing him for twenty
days?”
“Try seven years,” April spat out, the venom in her words stinging Lori. “And the only reason he
was able to put up with you in those last few years was because he had me to come to when he was
overwhelmed with you.”
“I knew it,” Lori murmured, her nostrils flaring.
A sinister smile curved April’s lips as if she felt victorious in finally voicing the truth of her affair
with Ralph, but I didn’t understand why she’d feel good about that. How could someone feel good
about being so evil?
“You’re disgusting,” Lori spat out.
“Yes, well, at least I’m not you,” April replied.
Landon stepped forward a fire burning in the back of his gaze. “Say one more nasty word toward
my mother, and I’ll make sure you pay for it.”
“Landon,” Lori said, her voice controlled as she put a hand in front of her son. “No.”
He growled slightly but took a step back at his mother’s request.
“I will leave, but at least let Landon pay his respects to his father,” Lori requested, keeping her
calm a lot better than I would’ve if I were in her situation.
“Like I said before, no. Neither of you are welcome here. It’s Landon’s fault his father passed
away anyway. He was the last one to speak to him and upset him to such an extreme.”
“Don’t ever put that kind of bullshit on my son. He was not the cause of what happened,” Lori
barked, raising her voice to a level that made everyone around us look our way. It was now time for
her eyes to blaze with anger. “I will rip your poor excuse for extensions out of your head if you ever
say such a thing again.”
“It’s true.” April pursed her lips. “Like Ralph always said, you two are toxic, and he wouldn’t
want you anywhere near him today. So, leave.”
There were a few seconds of pause as Lori and April stood nose to nose, breathing heavily.
Landon finally reached for his mother’s arm and gently tugged. “It’s fine, Mom. Let’s go. She’s right
—he wouldn’t want me here. To be honest, I don’t want to be here either.”
My chest ached for Landon because I knew that wasn’t true. I knew how much he cared for the
man who hadn’t loved him back the way he deserved. I knew how much he was hurting after his
father’s passing, especially since their last conversation hadn’t been a good one. I was sure he
wanted a chance to say better words to his father, a chance to give his truths, but he wasn’t going to be
able to do so.
Life wasn’t fair for a lot of people in this world, but I was certain it was even less fair for Landon
Harrison.
He had been doing so good, talking about a future—a future with me, a future for us—but I saw
the heaviness in his eyes over the passing days. I saw the way he was holding so much inside and not
saying a word. I saw his hurts even though he didn’t unleash them. He kept them locked up tight.
He hasn’t even cried, I thought to myself as we walked back to the car to leave.
That was the scariest part to me—the fact that Landon hadn’t shown any kind of emotion about his
father’s death. He hadn’t fallen apart. He hadn’t let any feelings out, and that terrified me. If he wasn’t
letting it out, he was keeping it all in.
And no good ever came from Landon and his heavy, heavy thoughts.

“I’ M GOING to stay at the hotel with my mom tonight,” Landon told me after we grabbed dinner
together that night. He hardly ate any of his food, the same way he’d barely touched his meals on the
previous days. I worried about him not eating enough, but there wasn’t much I could do. Mima had
even brought a few dishes for him to dig into, but he hadn’t touched those either.
That was a clear sign that things were off. Landon passed up a meal from Mima.
His statement was so straightforward and cold.
“Oh? It’s your last night, right? You fly out early?” I asked, trying not to sound too heartbroken
about it all.
“Yup.”
“Are you sure you can’t stay longer? I can take care of you. Just imagine…” I smiled, walking
over to him and placing my hands on his shoulders. “Breakfast in bed, massages, cuddles whenever
you need them, and even when you don’t.”
I worked my fingers into his shoulder blades, and he gave me a tired, forced smile. “I wish, but I
have to get back to work. My manager is already chewing my ass out for a few last-minute changes
we had to make.”
Disappointment swirled inside me, but I tried my best not to express it. He was going through a
lot. He didn’t need to feel guilty about me missing him.
“Okay, that’s fine.”
He gave me another smile, this one with a dash of a little more heart. “I wish I could stay tonight,
but after today, I think my mom could really use me.”
“I get it, I do. She needs you, and you need her. Go ahead.”
He pulled me in for an embrace, and I held on to him so tight. “Thank you for everything, Shay.
You always go above and beyond.”
I rested my head against his chest. “How’s your heart?”
He didn’t reply, just leaned in and kissed me on my forehead. “I should really get going. Don’t
worry about me, though.”
“You know I will.”
“Try not to.” He pulled back and leaned down, kissing my lips ever so gently. “I love you times
two.”
“I love you times two,” I echoed, my lips lingering against his. “Hey?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t let your mind wander too far from me. I’m here when you need me. Always.”
When we said our goodbyes and he climbed into his car to drive away, unease hit me as I
watched him round the corner. He was gone with a dazed mind and a heavy heart, and I didn’t have a
clue when he would find his way back to me. The other day, we had been talking about our future and
closing the gap between us, yet now I felt as if that gap was widening once more.
It broke my heart thinking Landon was moving so far away from me, both in distance and in heart.
 7

Landon

DR. S MITH DIDN ’ T PUT her feet up on the desk when I walked into her office that day. She didn’t toss
around a stress ball or smile her goofy smile. She didn’t ask me for three good things that had
happened in the past forty-eight hours, and I was thankful for that.
I didn’t have anything to give her.
She sat there, staring at me as if trying to get into my head to see how much damage had been done
by losing my father. The answer was a lot.
So much damn damage that I’d wanted to pretend wasn’t there.
“Land—”
“Empty,” I cut her off.
“What?”
“That’s what I feel. I feel empty. I don’t know if my meds are working anymore because I don’t
feel anything. I feel empty inside.”
She nodded. “A feeling of hopelessness is common after a death takes place.”
“No. That’s not what I said. I said I’m feeling empty, not hopeless.”
“Yes, I know, but sometimes those two things can look so much alike that you might confuse the
sentiments.”
“Don’t tell me what I’m confusing!” I snapped, my hands gripping the armrests. I shut my eyes,
feeling instant regret. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”
“No, that’s good. Snapping is good. You know why? Because if you snap, that means you can’t
feel empty. I think what you’re feeling is the opposite of emptiness, Landon. I think you’re feeling too
much. I think you’re feeling everything under the sun right now, and you are not being able to process
everything being thrown your way right this second. You’re in overload mode, which makes you feel
like you can’t do anything at all.”
“How do I fix it?” I whispered through gritted teeth. “How do I fix me?”
She sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. “By realizing you’re not broken—you’re grieving.”
I let those words settle in and shifted in my seat.
Was I doing that? Was I grieving for a man who hadn’t even wanted me when he was alive?
 No. Fuck him.
Fuck him for not wanting me, and fuck him for not caring, and fuck him for dying.
“It’s the meds,” I commented, clasping my fingers together.
“The medicine you’re on is fine.”
“I don’t know. Maybe we should try something else,” I grumbled, scratching at my neck.
“It’s not the medicine,” Dr. Smith stated once more.
“How do you know? You’re not in my body.”
“Before what happened with your father, how did you feel, Landon?”
I thought back to the days before my father’s heart attack. I thought about Shay and her smile, us
laughing, kissing, making love. I thought about how good it felt being with her, how easy it felt. I
thought about the acting opportunities I’d been given, how my dreams were coming true—how I had
fucking dreams. Me. I had dreams. In the past I’d only lived in nightmares.
For the past few weeks, I’d felt nothing but alive.
I lowered my head and stared at the carpeted floor. “This is grief?” I asked.
She nodded. “Yes. This is grief.”
Dammit.
I ‘d been hoping I could take a drug to fix this ache inside me.
Who knew how long it would take to fucking pass? I didn’t have the time or the energy to deal
with grief. So, I put it on hold, and I pushed it as far to the side as possible. I’d bury myself in my
work and the characters I was scheduled to play.
At least that way I could be someone else for a while, someone other than me.
I cleared my throat. “I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“Keep our meetings going. My schedule with work is getting pretty busy, and I don’t really have
the time to commit to therapy anymore.”
“What? Landon, no.” For the first time ever, Dr. Smith appeared worried. “Now more than ever is
the time to stick with this commitment. I see what’s happening. I can tell that you feel as if your world
is crumbling around you, but it’s not. You’ve made so much progress. Let’s not step backward. Let’s
keep unpacking these boxes.”
My mind pulled up one of the last comments Dad made toward me.
You can always count on that son of mine to crumple and leave you with his mess.
I didn’t want him to be right. I didn’t want to crumple and leave people with my messes. I didn’t
want to be the weak asshole that Dad claimed me to be. I didn’t want to be like Uncle Lance.
Lately, I couldn’t breathe, and I knew that meant I was seconds away from spiraling again. Down,
down, down, back to the darkness. But I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t have time for grief or another
run-of-the-mill bout of depression, and I knew if I kept unboxing shit with Dr. Smith, I’d fall even
deeper into the feelings I wanted to keep locked away.
I didn’t want to relive my trauma. I wanted to be better.
I thought I was getting better.
“This is for the best, Doc. Thank you for all you’ve done,” I said, standing up from my chair to
leave the room.
“Landon, wait. Please,” she begged, standing to her feet.
I turned to look at her and arched an eyebrow.
She sighed, and her eyes flashed with emotion. “You’re a good person who deserves a happy
ending. Don’t give up on that. Don’t lose this fight. If you push me away, confide in someone. Find
someone to keep that door open with. Because it’s easy to close yourself off from the world and make
it seem like you’re alone, but you’re not. Even on the days that feel so dark, there’s always someone
reaching out with an open hand.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
“And as always”—she gave me a broken smile—“my door’s always open.”
After leaving Dr. Smith’s office, I put on my mask, and I made the mistake of leaving it on for too
long. It became a part of me. Fake smiles, fake laughs, fake everything to hide the hurting that was
going on inside me. Luckily for me, I was an actor in Hollywood—the world of being fake. I’d fit
right in, and nobody would blink an eye thinking I was off. As far as they were concerned, I was
Landon Pace—the happy-go-lucky actor, but I knew the mask wouldn’t last forever because no matter
what, the masks always cracked.
And when it began to crack for me, it shattered into a million pieces.
August 1 st, 2005

Satan,

Hey, just thought I would get us back to our norm by sending you a letter even though I text you
every single day. Tracey is back for our junior year from studying abroad, and it feels like there’s a
bit of a disconnect between us. It might all be in my head, but I feel like everything I say, she snaps
at me or disagrees with me. It isn’t even big things, really. The other day, she hollered at me
because I drank the last of the milk in the carton and hadn’t had a chance to replace it. It’s the
little things that drive me nuts the most.
For example, if I say I love a sweater, she’ll tell me all the reasons it’s wrong for me. “It will
make your shoulders look bulky. The color will clash with your skin.” Always the negative.
Raine said things have always been like that between Tracey and me. I guess I never really
noticed until she was gone and then moved back in with us. Mom said people change with age, and
perhaps Tracey and I are just growing in different directions.
Just to be clear, I rocked that sweater, bulky shoulders and all.
How are you? How is Sarah Sims?! Did you tell her I love her? Did you ask for an autograph?
Did you ask her to marry me? Please say yes to all the above.
Were you still thinking about me coming to visit you? I can text you my availability. Weekend
getaways are always nice, too.
I miss you, Landon.
I can’t wait until we’re in the same time zone again.

-Chick

P.S. SweetTarts for my SweetHeart. You probably shouldn’t eat them, though—they’re from last
Valentine’s Day. Hank gave them to Raine, and she hadn’t thrown them out yet. So, unless you are
interested in seven-month-old candy, you should pass.
FROM: ShayGable@gmail.com
TO: Harrison.Landon@gmail.com
DATE: September 1 st, 2005, 4:23 PM
SUBJECT: How’s your heart?

Satan,

Hey, you. I sent you the notebook about a month ago and realized you might not even be home to
receive it. I forgot that your work schedule is so insane. I’m not sure when you’ll actually get back
home to check your mail.
In the notebook, I pretty much just gave you an update on life. From my point of view, it’s not too
exciting. I mainly wanted to check on you and see how you’re doing after losing your father. I hope
you’re taking care of yourself. You can reach out to me at any time. Day or night.
Anyway, this will be a short and sweet letter. Pretend I’m sending you Tootsie Rolls.
Because they are short and sweet.

-Chick

P.S. How’s your heart?

P.P.S. I know it’s silly, and I’m sure you’re okay, but if you’re not, please reach out. I love you and
am beginning to worry.
Shay: Hey, Landon. I just thought I’d text to see if you’re okay. It’s been a week since I emailed you,
so I figured I’d shoot you a text message. Is everything okay?

Shay: Hey you. It’s been over six weeks since I’ve heard from you. Please respond. I’m freaking out.

Shay: Six weeks and four days. Where are you? I don’t know how to get in contact.

Shay: Two months. I feel like you’re closing off on me, Landon, and that scares me. We were doing
so good for so long. I know you’re still struggling after what happened to your father, but please know
that you can talk to me. You can open up to me, just as you’ve always been able to do in the past. I’m
always here for you. Even if not in a romantic fashion, as a friend. You’re my best friend, Landon, and
to think about you hurting on your own makes my chest ache.
If you can’t talk to me, please let me know that you’re talking to someone. Please let me know that
you’re not drowning in your own mind. We need you here, Landon. Don’t let the depression pull you
under. You’re strong, and you’re not alone. Even if you feel like that some days. I love you times two.
Please text me back.

Shay: I watched an interview of you and saw the fakeness in your smile. I don’t know what’s going
on, Landon, but I can tell you’re hurting. You don’t have to be fake around me. If there is one person
in this world that you can be real with, it’s me. I’ve seen your scars and they don’t scare me. Come
back to me and fall apart. I’ll catch you. I’m here.
 8

Shay

ONE THURSDAY AFTERNOON IN NOVEMBER, I stopped by the mailbox after my class to see if there was
a letter from Landon. I checked way too often, even though I knew when the mail carrier delivered the
letters.
Still, nothing.
As disappointment settled in my chest from even more silence, I started walking toward the
townhouse and I paused when I saw a boy sitting on the front porch steps. My boy.
My heart leaped out of my chest as I hurried over to him. His shoulders were rounded forward,
and his head was lowered as he stared down at his shoes. His long, brown hair was covering his
face, wet and greasy looking.
“Landon…what are you doing here?” I asked, a million thoughts rocketing through my mind. What
did it matter why he was there? All that I knew was I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold
on so tight.
“I didn’t want to crumple like he said I would,” he murmured.
“What do you mean? Who said that?”
“My father. He said I’d crumple, and you’d be left to clean up my mess. I didn’t want that to be
what happened, but I didn’t really know where else to go.” He looked up to me with raw emotion
sitting in his stare. “Do you think I’m the reason he’s dead?” he asked me. Tears welled up in his eyes
and began crusading down his face. “Did I kill my father?”
I shot to his side and sat down beside him as I wrapped my arms around him. He smelled heavily
of whiskey and marijuana; two things I knew he hadn’t taken a part in in a very long time.
Oh, Landon.
Where have you gone, and how can I get you back?
“No, of course it wasn’t your fault. There is no possible way it was your fault.”
“Maybe he needed me to come work for him. Maybe he’d still be here if I gave him what he
wanted.”
“Landon, you know that’s not true. Your father was sick…it had nothing to do with you.”
“Then why does it feel like it’s my fault like Lance was my fault?”
 “Lance wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.” I saw it happening right before my eyes…
him slipping back into his old dark thoughts.
He sniffled, and rubbed his hand beneath his nose, choking on his words. “I’m sorry, Shay. I’m
fucked up,” he murmured. “I didn’t want you to see me like this but shit…” He ran his hand over his
mouth repeatedly as more tears fell from his eyes. His whole body began to tremble as he lost himself
on my front porch. Stoned, drunk, and broken.
“Come on,” I said, pulling him to his feet. I wrapped an arm around his waist and led him toward
the townhouse. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
“You shouldn’t have to deal with this shit,” he drunkenly whispered, stumbling back and forth as I
tried to keep him steady. “You shouldn’t have to deal with my fucking mess.”
“Shh,” I hushed him, knowing his mind was moving too fast to comprehend anything I would say
to him in his current state. “Let’s just take a shower, okay?”
He nodded in agreement.
As I led him through the living room, Tracey looked up from the couch. “What’s going on?” Her
eyes moved to Landon. “Is he drunk? It’s three in the afternoon,” she remarked. “On a Tuesday!”
“Not now, Tracey,” I said, walking toward the bathroom. The last thing I needed was her
judgements. We entered the bathroom and I closed the door behind us, locking it. Landon leaned
against the wall as I turned on the shower, making sure the water was warm enough.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Shay. I’m really sorry,” he kept repeating. I didn’t say anything back. I helped
him slide out of his clothes and helped him into the shower.
“Come with?” he asked.
I undressed, too, and stepped into the steaming shower with him. The water raced over us, and I
placed shampoo in my hands and began rubbing it in Landon’s hair. Then, soaped up his body as he
swayed side to side, still completely out of it. My mind was playing games with me as the situation
took hold, and I was having flashbacks to my past, feeling so much unease with it all.
“Mama, what are you doing?” I asked, walking past the bathroom where Dad was slumped
over in the shower. “Is Daddy okay?” He didn’t look okay. His eyes weren’t open, and he swayed
back and forth in the tub.
“He’s fine, Shay,” she said, hurrying me out of the bathroom. “Get back to bed. I’ll be there to
tuck you in soon.”
I tried to shake the memories away, not wanting them to settle too much, but the situation was so
fresh in my mind as I tended to Landon the same way Mom had my father.
An eerie feeling followed me as I led him to my room and lie him down on the bed. He kept
apologizing as he faded to sleep, and I wrapped my arms around his body, unable to get any rest of my
own. What had Landon been going through over the past few weeks? I’d seen him in the tabloids
looking happy as ever, and he was doing a few interviews, smiling cheek to cheek. But, that wasn’t
who I saw show up to my place that afternoon. The boy in front of me was broken, scarred, and
bleeding out in pain from the demons of his mind.
It was clear that the person he showcased to the world was all an act.
The boy who lay in my bed that night was the real Landon. The broken Landon.
The boy who lost his father and blamed himself.
When he woke up in the middle of the night, I was still awake.
He turned over to me and gave me a sloppy smile. “Hey.”
“Hey. You okay?” He gave me another smile, and I shook my head. “Only truths, no lies.”
His smile faded away and he brushed a finger beneath his nose. “No,” he confessed. “I’m not
okay.”
I placed my forehead to his and brushed my mouth against his lips. “Tell me what you need?”
“You,” he whispered, placing a hand against the nape of my neck. His tongue slid across my
bottom lip before he sucked it lightly. “I need you.”
So, that was what I gave him. I gave him me—all of me. He undressed me and owned my body,
swallowing me whole. My back arched from his touches and his trailing fingers, to him sucking and
nibbling at my nipples.
As Landon slid into me, I almost cried out from the pleasure of it all. Gosh, I missed him. I missed
his touch, his kisses, his warmth. But also, the way we made love felt different that night. Almost as if
a part of him was shut off, and he was moving in overdrive. As he pulled my hair and pinned me
down, it became clear to me that we weren’t making love that night. He was fucking me, raw, and
hard, and deep, and fast.
I moaned in desire, knowing the way he took control of my body was concerning, but, still, it felt
so good. I selfishly wanted him to use me until his pain went away. If loving me gave him a few
seconds away from the demons in his mind, I wanted to allow him to swallow me whole. If I could
make him feel good, I’d do whatever it took.
Because I loved him, and I knew of his struggles. Come morning we could talk. We could explore
his thoughts and make sure we were on the same page. I could listen to his problems and help him
through them all, letting him know he wasn’t alone.
The only problem with that was when I awakened the next morning, he was gone. Leaving me only
with a note left against his pillow saying he was sorry.

LANDON SEEMED to be working a lot, using that as an excuse to not deal with his emotions. It was easy
for him to shut himself off from his problems if he embodied a character, and I figured that was
exactly what he was doing: shutting off his feelings up until the time they became too much and he’d
end up on my doorstep.
Every few weeks, he’d find his way back to me, and he’d take another piece of me with him when
he left. He made love to me hard and deep, never speaking a word about the mess of his mind. Then
come morning, he’d be gone.
Months passed by without hearing from him at all, and worry began creeping into my stomach all
over again. The new year came and went without a word from him, Valentine’s danced by, and I
didn’t have a sweetheart to celebrate it with.
“He’s probably just busy with work,” Raine reasoned one night as she, Tracey, and I sat in the
dining room eating Chinese food and doing homework.
“It doesn’t take that much to send a freaking text message,” Tracey argued. “I think he’s playing
games.”
“Tracey!” Raine gasped, smacking her arm. “How could you even say that?”
“It’s not that far outside the realm of possibility. He’s working with the likes of Sarah Sims. She’s
only the most beautiful person alive. Could you blame him if he stepped out?”
“Of course, you could blame him,” Raine remarked. “But he won’t because he’s Landon, and he
loves Shay.”
“I’m just saying, the temptation will be there. It’s not even like they are a real couple. They hardly
even see each other, and when they do, he’s super emo. I could see why he’d want something that’s
right there in his face.”
“If you keep talking like this, I’m going to pull out your weave,” Raine threatened.
I hadn’t said a word because I didn’t even know what I was thinking. Mainly, all I knew was that I
was growing a bit embarrassed by the whole situation. I felt like the more time that passed, the more I
was resembling my own mother—standing by the window, waiting for a man to come back to me.
Then he’d come, take, and leave again.
The girls continued to talk about me as if I wasn’t there, and in some ways, I wasn’t. My mind
was far away from my studies, Chinese food, and my friends’ chatter.
“I mean, honestly,” Tracey said, shoving an egg roll into her mouth, “they hardly ever even talked
on the phone.”
“What does that matter? Some people don’t like talking on the phone,” Raine argued.
“But they are long distance. It’s weird, that’s all. It’s like you’re settling, Shay.”
“What the hell, Tracey? What crawled into your butt and left a parasite?” Raine remarked in
response to her harsh comments.
“All I’m saying is she deserves more than what he’s giving her, which is crumbs. It’s kind of
pathetic to watch. I couldn’t imagine wasting my time pining for a boy who didn’t think I was good
enough to even text back, and then he just comes to bang and dash. Maybe the fame went to his head,
and he figures he can have whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Either way, it’s crap. I mean, does
he even talk to you when he comes, or is it just sex?”
I wished I could say it wasn’t only sex, but that would’ve been a lie.
Tracey was right. I knew she and I had butted heads a few times throughout the years, but her
words were spot-on this time. I’d emailed and texted Landon numerous times, and I hadn’t received
one reply.
Not. A. Single. Reply.
But when he’d show up to my front porch, I’d foolishly let him back in—the same way Mom let
Dad in for so many years.
What was I doing?
Who was I becoming?
 9

Shay
Twenty-one years old

“ARE you sure you don’t want to come to the party tonight?” Tracey asked me one Saturday night in
April, tearing my attention away from my computer. “It is the spring fling, after all. Come on, Shay. I
can’t think of anything that would be better for you. Booze, dancing, boys.” She put an emphasis on
the word boys, and I was quick to pick up on it.
I sat at my desk with my legs folded like a pretzel. “I don’t think I’m going to make it tonight. I
have to study for a big exam coming up.”
“Orrr you could study Jason Hopps.” She smirked, walking over to nudge me in the arm. “You
know he’s been crazy about you forever. When are you going to give him a real shot?”
I smiled at my friend who’d been trying to play my fairy godmother by setting me up with Jason.
We’d met the previous year during our creative writing course. When we were paired together to
work on a short story, we developed a great friendship. Sure, I was aware that Jason had feelings for
me. He’d straight-out told me the previous year at a party, then six months later at another party, and
two months after that during yet another hang out, but I didn’t feel right returning the sentiment when
my heart wasn’t fully free for someone to take.
It still belonged to a broken boy who’d disappeared from my life.
Even though I hadn’t heard from him in so long. It had been three months since Landon had last
contacted me. After months of silence, I knew it was stupid that I still loved him. Even though I’d
been ghosted, I didn’t know how to shut it off, especially on that day of all days. His birthday. Landon
had always found his way to me on his birthday, be it in person or at least with a phone call.
“Jason and I are just friends,” I told her as I opened my laptop. “I don’t want to mess with that.”
Plus, even though I hadn’t heard from Landon in so long, I was still his—at least in my heart, I was.
“Why not?” she groaned, exhausted by me always pushing Jason away. “He’s perfect. He’s hot,
he’s smart, he smells like Christmas morning, and he loves his mother, but not in a creepy way where
he’ll need therapy. Plus, rumor has it his gold member is solid, thick gold. What more could you want
from a guy?!”
“I know Jason is amazing. Trust me, I know, but I just don’t see him that way.”
 “That’s because you’re not looking. Please don’t tell me that it’s because of Landon. Shay. He’s
gone, and you deserve the right to move on. You’re not still waiting for him, are you?”
“No, I’m not,” I lied, and she could tell it was a lie, too.
Tracey sighed, slapping her hand to her forehead. “Shay. You know I love you, but this is setting
women back five thousand years. I don’t get what kind of hold this guy has on you, but he’s not worth
it. I couldn’t care less if he’s some hot up-and-coming celebrity. That doesn’t give him the right to
treat you like trash.”
“Maybe Tracey is right, Shay,” Raine said, joining the conversation. That was shocking to me.
Raine had always been in Landon’s and my corner, so to hear her say those words felt like a dagger to
my heart.
“You guys don’t understand. It’s complicated with him,” I said, and I felt like an idiot as the
words escaped my lips.
“Love isn’t supposed to be this complicated, Shay. The way he treats you. The way he ignores you
for months at a time. That’s not love. That’s abuse,” Raine said. “I know he’s like a brother to me, but
wrong is wrong, and he’s doing you wrong.”
I clammed up after she said that. I felt my walls closing in as my friend spoke to me about how
Landon wasn’t a good thing for me, but she didn’t know. She didn’t understand the way our hearts
ticked whenever we were near each other. She didn’t understand why Landon’s and my connection
was bigger than a normal kind of love.
We were messy, and broken, and complex, and beautiful.
Besides, one day he’d finish finding himself, and he’d come back to me one hundred percent. He
had almost been there before his father passed away, so he’d be able to do it again. I knew he would.
He’d just hit a bump in the road, but he’d figure it out.
I blinked my eyes shut, listening to my own thoughts, ashamed of them and ashamed of myself.
What was I doing? How had I gotten here? How had I put myself in a position to sound so much
like the person my mother used to be? Waiting around for a man to love me fully, waiting for a man to
come back for me.
“Maybe I’ll come out tomorrow,” I offered, hoping that would give my friends a bit of hope.
They both sighed, and Raine went to retrieve her purse. “Okay. Text us later if you change your
mind.”
“Will do.”
The girls were right about everything, which was why I was counting on Landon to message me at
some point. The only reason I knew he was alive and well was because of my internet searches on
him. His career seemed to be doing all right still, but that didn’t help me any. I knew I couldn’t keep
the madness going because I was becoming a person I hardly recognized anymore. I was becoming a
girl I claimed I would never be. I was becoming desperate for a man to give me his love.
I waited with bated breath for Landon to reach out to me.
My self-esteem suffered more and more with each moment that passed. I needed answers from
him. I needed him to let me in, to tell me what we were—what we planned on becoming. I needed his
future, or I needed to let go of our past.
My heart couldn’t live in this game of limbo much longer. We needed to have the talk, and we had
to do it face to face. Or at least on a telephone call. Anything. I needed answers, and I prayed Landon
would be man enough to give them to me.
I spent the rest of the night waiting for that knock at my door. Waiting for that boy to be standing on
the other side. Waiting for him to be ready for me, all of me. Waiting for him to say that he wasn’t
going to leave again any time soon and was ready to open up to me emotionally.
It was almost one in the morning when I gave up the hope of Landon coming and knocking on my
door. I didn’t know why I’d waited for him for so long. I didn’t know why I allowed him to have such
control over me, such a strong pull on my heart, but when that knock arrived at two in the morning, I
opened the door and smiled when I saw that broken boy standing in front of me.
Broken man.
There was nothing boyish about Landon anymore. He’d physically changed over the course of the
past several months in more ways than I could’ve imagined. His arms were covered in tattoos, ink
hiding the scars of his past, different designs spiraling across his tan skin, but some things still
remained the same.
His dopey, crooked smile. His perfectly carved out dimple. His eyes full of passion and desire.
Now, there he stood, still so painfully broken.
Damaged.
Broken.
Disheveled.
And mine.
Sigh.
Not that much of mine.
“Hi,” he said on an exhalation, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
“Hi,” I replied, trying to tame my wild heartbeats. I hadn’t known you could miss someone so
much even when they were standing right in front of you. It was as if he was there physically, but the
Landon I was hoping to see was so far away from me.
I crossed my arms, holding on to myself so tight, nervous that if I let go of the strong hold, I’d
shatter into a million pieces right in front of the boy who controlled my heartbeats. “How’s your heart
tonight?”
He didn’t answer my question. He moved in swiftly and pulled me into his embrace. His lips
pressed against mine and he stole my kisses as if they were the life support keeping him alive that
night. He inhaled my existence, leaving me feeling weak and shaky. His hands moved up the back of
my shirt as he pressed his hardness against my thigh.
My body instantly fell into his touches, too. It betrayed my mind by allowing my legs to quiver in
desire. His kisses tasted of whiskey, and that was the first red flag. Sure, he was old enough to drink,
and sure, I wasn’t his mother and couldn’t scold him for partaking in alcohol, but the taste of the
liquor burned a piece of my soul.
His kisses were filled with passion, and I hardly had enough time to register what exactly was
happening. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side of the room. He pulled mine off
next and did the same.
“Land…wait…” I murmured breathlessly. He pinned me against the wall and began lapping his
tongue against my neck, rolling it around in small circles, sucking the skin and nibbling against me as
his hips rocked against mine.
“I want you so fucking bad,” he growled into my ear as he lifted one of my legs and placed it
around his waist. “I want all of you tonight, Shay…please… Can I have you? Can I taste you? Can I
swallow you whole tonight?”
“Yes.” I sighed the word out, feeling ashamed of my need to give him everything he wanted,
ashamed of my need to give him myself when he refused to do the same. My brain shut down, and my
wants took over. I kissed him back, harder as my hips pressed against his hardness.
 “You are my poison,” I whispered, pain in my breaths as my body pressed against his.
His lips rolled against my collarbone as he unbuckled my jeans. “You’re my remedy,” he swore
as his mouth pressed against mine.
Panic raced through me as I deepened my kiss against his lips. I swallowed him in, knowing the
way he loved me was killing me, knowing by tomorrow he’d be gone, off to a world that didn’t
include me. I wasn’t welcome in whatever universe he’d been creating over the past few months. I
wasn’t a part of the future he was building. I was merely a small corner of his past that he only visited
during his darkest days.
I was his shadows, stupidly praying for slivers of light to shine through me.
He called me his remedy, his safe haven, his freedom, but he was the opposite of that to me. He
was my weakness, my kryptonite, my gated cage. While I lifted him up, he weighed me down. It
confused me how love could feel so much like a war. While Landon was becoming victorious, I was
dying on the battlefield.
This isn’t love, I thought to myself.
This was an addiction, an infectious disease that was going to leave me raw and broken—
just like my grandfather had left Mima, just like my father had shattered my mother.
How had we gotten here? How had we gone from feeling everything mind, body, and soul, to only
feeling one another’s touches? How had we shifted into something that was solely physical?
He used to talk to me. He used to let me in. Now, whenever he came, it seemed he only craved my
body, not my mind, not my thoughts, not me. We were strictly physical, nothing more, nothing less. I
couldn’t even think of the last time he asked me how my heart was doing. If he had, I would’ve told
him of its erratic beats.
In the morning, he’d be gone, and I’d be left with the broken pieces of my heart that Landon left
behind. Why did I allow it to keep happening every single year? Why did I save myself for a man who
wasn’t willing to give me anything more than just one night? Who was this person I was becoming?
I’d grown up surrounded by unstable relationships. I’d watched my grandfather take and take from
my grandmother. I’d seen my father drain my mother dry. And still, somehow, I found myself in that
same position.
It was as if the women of my family were cursed with broken love, a love that hurt more than it
healed.
With every thrust inside of me, Landon took a piece of my soul. With every deep, passionate kiss,
he stole away a part of me. I was falling apart for a boy who wasn’t even going to be around to catch
my shattered pieces.
I couldn’t breathe as the panic in my chest began to rise every time his fingers brushed against my
skin, every time his tongue swept against my core, every time his hardness slid inside of me.
We lay in the bed having sex, and I was wise enough to no longer confuse it with making love.
Love didn’t feel this way. Love didn’t hurt. At least it wasn’t supposed to be painful.
I shut my eyes as tears began cascading down my cheeks. I turned my head to the side as Landon
pinned my hands above my head. My sniffles increased more and more, causing him to open his eyes
and look at me. He really looked at me. I figured that was the first time he’d looked my way since
arriving at my place.
His movements came to a halt as he hovered over my body. “You’re crying.”
“You’re hurting me.”
He slid himself out of me and sat up. He raised an eyebrow. “I can go slower.”
I shook my head and sat up as well. “No, you’re hurting me, Landon,” I said once more, this time
placing my hand over my chest. “You’re hurting me every time you come here and then disappear.” I
pulled the sheet over my exposed body as I uncovered more and more of my damaged heart. “Every
time you come, I feel whole for a split second. Then, you leave, and you take pieces of me with you. I
am falling apart waiting for the day you’ll say you’re ready for this, for me, for us, and I don’t just
mean my body. I mean my heart and my soul. Each day that passes, I feel more like a fool.”
He grasped the edge of the mattress and lowered his head. “Things have been crazy in Los
Angeles… I’ve been trying to work on myself, and it’s hard, Shay.”
“I get that, I do. But does that means you can’t even reach out and call me? Or update me on
anything? Nothing? All I get is you when you’re at your lowest?”
“Shay…”
“You make me feel like a whore,” I whispered, the words sliding off my tongue. “Something you
can use and then toss to the side when you’re done with it. You get to stand up and walk away with
nothing harmed.”
He grimaced and brushed his hand against the back of his neck as his bicep took form. “I don’t
mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you.”
“Just because you don’t mean to do it, doesn’t mean the hurt doesn’t exist.” I inched closer to him
and took his hands into mine. My heart was racing as I leaned in and placed my forehead against his.
“Tell me.” I sighed, closing my eyes. “Tell me you’re ready to let me back in emotionally. Tell me you
want me. Tell me you’ll stay. Tell me I’m not making a fool of myself waiting for a boy who is no
longer waiting for me. Tell me it’s our time.”
My heart beat wildly in my chest.
One beat, two beats, three beats, four…
Then, he crushed me.
“I can’t say that.”
“You can’t or you won’t?”
His silence was so achingly loud.
I dropped hold of his hands and moved a few inches away from him. His eyes were filled with
emotion, glassed over as if he were holding something inside of himself. As if he had so much to say,
but still, no words.
“I waited for you,” I whispered, shaking my head in disbelief. “I waited for you. I kept this thing
between us going for so long, because I love you, Landon, but clearly now this is just a sex thing for
you.”
“It’s not like that, Shay. I didn’t think it all through. The moment I saw you, I just wanted to be
near you, I wanted to hold you, and feel like everything was all right. You don’t know what it’s like
being in the limelight now while trying to figure out your own messed up brain. It’s been hard lately.”
“How so?”
Again, silence.
He lowered his head and didn’t say another word.
Geez. When had that happened? When had he stopped letting me in? This wasn’t who we’d been.
This wasn’t the love story we’d created. This was a completely different, twisted love that I didn’t
recognize anymore.
I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t hold him because he was broken. I couldn’t protect his heart
while giving him the freedom to crush mine. I couldn’t save him while surrendering myself.
I refused to be his sacrifice when he refused to let me in.
“You need to leave,” I whispered, the words burning as I pushed them off my lips.
 “Shay…” He sighed and ran his hands through his wild mane.
“Don’t say my name if no truths are coming after it.”
More silence.
He stood up and began getting dressed.
Tears burned at the back of my eyes as I studied his body, bent over to pull up his jeans. Yet, I
didn’t cry. I wouldn’t give him the gratification of seeing how he hurt me. I wouldn’t give him the
pleasure of knowing the effect he had on my soul.
I wouldn’t give him any more of my tears.
I’d already cried enough over the boy who wasn’t ready for me, who would obviously never be
ready for this, for us…for the love story we could’ve told.
“Say it’s over,” I said, standing tall even though my body wanted to crumple over.
“What?”
“I want you to say that we are over. I don’t want to make believe that you’re going to show up
here again. I don’t want to think there still might be a chance for us to work this out. So, say it. Say
it’s over. Say we’re done.”
The corner of his mouth twitched, and he hesitated for a split second. He didn’t even have enough
nerve to look me in the eyes. “We’re done, Shay, you and me. Whatever this is, it’s over.”
Even though I’d told him to give me those words, they still pierced me as they were spoken.
That was it. We were done. Landon and Shay were officially over.
Before he left, he looked at me. His blue eyes were so heavy and he looked drained to his core.
There was something there, something scary eating at his spirit, and all I wanted to do was hug him. I
wanted to pull him in close to me and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but I couldn’t.
We were over, and he was no longer mine to hold.
Besides, he wouldn’t have let me in.
“I love you,” he confessed, and his words stole my breaths away. “I love you so much, Shay, and
I’m so sorry I’m this messed up. I wish I could’ve been what you wanted, what you needed, what you
deserved, but I can’t do that. I hope you have all the best things in this world come to you. I hope you
get every wish you’ve ever wished for. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in this fucking
world, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I hurt you,” he said. Tears rolled down his cheeks as
he walked out of the front door. His shoulders were rounded forward, and his hands were stuffed
deeply into his pockets.
Oh, Landon.
My chest ached with regret, and worry, and love.
Didn’t he know it? Couldn’t he see? The only thing I’d ever wished for was for him to come back
to me. He was my dreams, my hopes, my wishes, and my prayers, and now he was leaving me, and I
was letting him go.
He left that night, and I lay in bed, unable to rest at all. The following days moved by slowly, and
the knot in my stomach didn’t disappear. I couldn’t shake him from my mind. I couldn’t focus on
school, on eating, on anything other than the empty part of my heart that was left after Landon walked
away.
There were so many moments where I felt as if I’d made a mistake, as if I was in the wrong to
push him away. I knew how his demons ate away at him each night. Who was I to try to rush his
healing? Besides, I’d told him to take his time. Even worse, I’d told him to not rush. Yet there I was,
with the voices of my own doubts and of others shouting inside my head, telling Landon to hurry up
and figure out how to love me and let me in.
 I’d made a mistake, a massive, harsh mistake that left me longing for the broken boy I loved.
I loved him.
I hadn’t even told him that before he left. When he’d told me he’d loved me, I hadn’t said I loved
him times two. That was the worst part—thinking he’d walked away without knowing I loved him
more than I’d ever loved another.

WHENEVER MY PHONE DINGED , I stupidly hoped it was Landon, writing me to explain things, writing
me to bring clarity to my very confused mind. When I didn’t see his name, I sighed.
I opened the message anyway, seeing that it was a group text between Tracey, Raine, and me.
Tracey: WTF?! What a fucking asshole. I told you this was a thing.
My heart started racing as I saw she’d attached a link to an article. I clicked it open and read the
headline over and over again.

NEW COUPLE ALERT: Oscar-Winning Actress Sarah Sims has been spotted with the new boy on
the block, up-and-coming actor Landon Pace.

WHAT ? No way. That wasn’t possible.

Clickbait. It had to be clickbait—there was no other option.
Sarah Sims was one of the most beautiful, breathtaking actresses in the industry at this time. She
did it all, and she had enough awards to prove that. She was everything I wished to be and everything
I was not. I was her biggest fan. He knew I was her biggest fan. He wouldn’t do that to me.
The article went on to explain how the two had been working on the promo for their film and had
been seen getting cozy outside the interviews. That couldn’t be. There was no way Landon would
hook up with a woman so soon after we’d parted ways. It hadn’t even been two weeks. There was no
way he’d do such a thing, no way he’d get close to someone else while cutting me out.
Then came the pictures.
Pictures of Landon and Sarah freaking Sims cuddled up. Pictures of them getting lunch together.
Photographs of her arms wrapped around him. Her lips kissing his cheeks. His smile.
His smile.
Oh my gosh, he never came to me with his smiles anymore, only his darkness. But with her, he
was beaming from ear to ear with excitement. There was so much light in his eyes that it made me
want to cry. And scream. And shatter.
Then the last photograph was their kiss.
Their. Kiss.
They. KISSED!
His lips against hers. Her lips against his.
They looked so perfect together, as if they were a puzzle with perfectly cut matching pieces, fitting
together in a way I only dreamed of fitting beside Landon.
I was going to vomit.
 Tracey: I told you that you were wasting your time with that loser.
There it was, the ‘I told you so’ Tracey had been waiting to give me for years now. Raine texted
me separately outside of the group text.
Raine: Are you okay?
Raine: I’m on my way back to our place.
That night, I sobbed into Raine’s arms, feeling humiliated, saddened, and furious. My core hurt as
I cried, my words inaudible between my hiccupping. She soothed me, rocking me back and forth in
her arms as I fell apart for a boy who’d betrayed me in the most painful way. Not once that night did
Raine scold me for crying over a boy like him. Not once did she say she’d told me so like Tracey had.
She simply held my broken pieces in her hands and told me to let my emotions out.
 10

Landon

YOU ’ RE HURTING ME .
I hadn’t stopped replaying those words in my heads since Shay spoke them.
They were on an endless loop in my mind. The one person I was never supposed to hurt, was in
pain because of me, and I knew I needed to fix it.
I came back to Illinois a few weeks after the smoke cleared from my personal hell. I wanted to
see Shay and explain everything to her. She deserved that, at least. She deserved a reason for why I
was the way I was, and how everything fell apart for me over the past few months.
“You damn idiot,” I muttered to myself. I should’ve just told her what was going on. I should’ve
let her in because I knew she’d probably be able to calm my wildness, but a part of me didn’t think I
deserved to be healed.
Even though I fought it every single day, my depression was beginning to cripple me again. After
being okay for so long, it was as if my father’s death acted as a slingshot, flung me into the air, and I
was stuck in the webs of despair, unable to break free. I tried to ignore it. I pretended it didn’t exist,
but that seemed to only make it worse. Sometimes you couldn’t run from depression—you had to face
it head on, and when I turned to look mine in the eyes, it almost killed me.
The only time I felt safe falling apart was when I was in Shay’s arms. She felt like my safe haven.
A place I could be both damaged and broken. She was my heaven and I was her hell.
I headed back to Shay’s to talk to her. When I parked the car, I walked up to her front door with a
pathetic bouquet made of Laffy Taffys and peanut butter M&M’s, along with our notebook. Right
before I was about to knock, I heard laughter from inside. I looked in the window and saw Shay
tossing her head back in chuckles, looking happy as ever, and beside her was some guy, laughing with
her. Some fucking guy with his hand against her thigh. Some fucking guy making her laugh. Who the
fuck was that guy?
My blood started to boil with anger at the sight of him touching her legs. Who the hell did he think
he was? I went to barge into a house when a voice stopped me.
“What are you doing here?”
I turned around to see Tracey standing there with her backpack on. She looked surprised to see
me.
I took a step away from the front door. “Hey, Tracey.”
“Don’t ‘Hey, Tracey’ me, Landon. What the hell are you doing here?” she barked, her eyes blazing
with rage. Her stare moved to the window where Shay and that fucking guy were still chatting it up.
“You need to leave, Landon. You need to leave her alone and let her move on from that bullshit you
did to her.”
“Tracey—”
“No. I mean it. You don’t know what she’s been through. You don’t know how many nights she’s
spent crying herself to sleep because you up and abandoned her. You don’t know how many times
Raine and I have had to console her over you. I mean, honestly, Landon. What the actual fuck?! She
went through fire and brimstone to take care of you, and this is how you repay her? All these years,
she stood behind you and supported you, and you decide it’s okay to crush her like this?”
I grimaced. “I know. I messed up.”
“You more than messed up. You ruined the best thing that happened to you. Now go.”
I glanced one more time toward Shay and that fucking guy, and then lowered my head. “I can’t
leave without explaining things to her.”
“She doesn’t need an explanation or your lame excuses. She needs to move on, and that’s what
she’s doing.”
“With that guy?” I huffed, annoyed, hurt, sad. Mostly sad. So fucking sad. My scarred heart was
bleeding out, and I didn’t know how to make it stop.
“Yes. Jason is great for her. They have a lot in common and have been friends for a long time,
too.”
“She’s never mentioned a Jason,” I said, jealousy simmering in the pit of my stomach.
“Probably because she was still waiting for you. But look at her now.” Tracey gestured toward
the window. “She’s no longer waiting. Let her go. She deserves more than you.”
She wasn’t wrong, but still. After all that we’d been through, I couldn’t walk away without telling
Shay how I felt. I couldn’t walk away without letting her know what hell I’d been through.
“Tracey, please. Just let me talk to her.”
“And tell her what? That you’ve been struggling? That you’ve lost your way? That you, once
again, let her down? Come on, Landon. This is what you do. You fall apart and expect her to wait
around to catch you. And you know she will, but that’s not fair. You really want to make her pick up
your broken pieces for the rest of her life? You want her to carry that burden? Give her a chance to
lose the dramatics of the two of you. Give her a chance to actually be happy.”
“You think that guy can make her happy?”
“I don’t know,” she honestly answered, “but he sure as hell won’t make her as sad as you have.”
I hated that she was right. I wasn’t stable and hadn’t been stable in a long fucking time. Shay had
been waiting for me to come back to her, fully ready to commit to her, to us, yet as always, I ended up
leaving her battered and bruised.
I hurt the people I loved.
My father was right, too. I knew he was just from seeing Shay moving on in the living room with
that fucking guy. He told me people wouldn’t care about my sob story forever, and it would have an
expiration date.
Time’s up.
“Can you tell her that I love her?” I asked, feeling like a damn fool for even thinking I deserved a
chance to talk to Shay.
 “No, I won’t. That won’t make this easier, Landon. You have to just ghost her. Disappear.”
“Just give her this notebook. Then maybe she can understand what was going on,” I damn near
pleaded, holding it out toward Tracey.
She huffed. “No, just drop it.”
She said drop it as if it was the easiest thing in the world to walk away from the love of my life.

I SAT across from Dr. Smith, feeling as if I hit the final stage of rock bottom. The part where all you
could do was stand and begin again.
I crossed my arms, feeling a bit like a shit for the way I abandoned our sessions a few months
back. “I was wondering if we could get things going again so I could get back on my feet. I, uh, I’ve
fallen off the path a bit, and I’m not sure how to stand on my own. Plus, I leaned on the wrong people
and hurt them along the way, and I don’t even want to do that again. I want to get better and learn to
lean on myself.”
She smiled and nodded. “I’m proud of you, you know.”
“For what?”
“Being brave enough to begin again. So where are we starting today? What box do you want to
unpack first? I’m certain there have been a lot of things that have happened to you over the past few
months. Let’s get a starting point.”
“Well…” I took in a deep breath and shook my head slightly. “We can start with the overdose.”
 11

Shay

ONCE UPON A TIME, I fell in love with a boy.

A beautiful, broken boy who had his own world of struggles.
Years ago, Landon Harrison had promised to come back to me after he found himself. Years ago,
he’d said he would find his way back to my heartbeats. The problem with making those kinds of
promises in your youth? There isn’t enough adhesive on the love story to make it truly stick.
We were both young, naïve, broken kids. What did we know about love? What did we know about
true feelings? What did we know about making things work?
In the storybooks, when a man made a promise to a woman, he always came back. He’d ride in
with a grand gesture, and he’d fix whatever mess he’d left her in. He’d confess how the past years of
his life had been filled with struggle and hardships, and he’d go on and on about how her love was
the only thing that made him able to breathe.
For a while, I thought that was what was going to happen. For the longest time, I sat around
waiting for the big gesture, waiting for Landon to come rushing in on a white horse, telling me all the
words I wanted to hear. He’d missed me. He’d fixed his broken heartbeats. He was ready for our
love story to receive the happily ever after.
But that never happened for me.
Years passed, and Landon never once looked back. I knew he’d found himself, too, because he
was all over the internet, on billboards, burning up the big screen. He was no longer Landon
Harrison, the boy I once loved, but he became Landon Pace, Hollywood’s golden boy. I saw his
smiles on Jimmy Fallon. I watched him grin ear to ear on red carpets. I watched him flourish into the
man I always knew he was capable of becoming. He blossomed and bloomed like peonies in the
spring, and he completely forgot I’d ever existed.
Landon became a megastar in Hollywood, and I had the privilege of watching him win time and
time again from a distance. He was the Brad Pitt of this day and age, and I was the creepy ex-
girlfriend stalking his Instagram, following stories on TMZ about who he was sleeping with, what
party he was attending, and which yacht he was taking out for his annual birthday bash.
He spent his birthday on a yacht with dozens of supermodels. If that wasn’t a blow to my ego, I
wasn’t certain what was. For a little while, those birthdays had been mine. His hands had rested
against mine.
He had been mine.
If only for a small moment in time.
Along with watching him succeed from a distance, I also watched how his relationships spread
like wildfire. Landon was a serial dater who made Leonardo DiCaprio look like a down-to-earth
family man. I was somewhat surprised he hadn’t found his way back to me, because he pretty much
found his way to every other single woman on the planet.
I mean, honestly—how could he go on and find himself and forget about ever, oh, I don’t know,
thanking the one girl who pushed him to do exactly that? How could he move on so quickly with
movie stars like Sarah Sims, and not even offer an apology? How could he go and never look back?
If not for me, he never would’ve been interested in acting in the first place. If not for me, he never
would’ve known what a script looked like. I opened those doors for him, and he walked right in
without looking back at me for a split second.
While he was off living in la-la land, I was receiving rejection letters left and right, struggling to
figure out a way to make my dreams come true. Then there was sweet ol’ Landon, eating steak with
the Rock, probably even calling him Dwayne like they had an actual friendship, while I was trying to
figure out how to not eat ramen noodles three times a week.
Life wasn’t fair.
He was living the dream I’d set out to achieve, sleeping around with EGOT winners, and I was
struggling to pay back my student loans for a creative arts degree I never used.
Each time he appeared on television, social media, or during the previews at the movie theater, a
part of my soul burned with pure rage. I went back to basics with my feelings toward Landon, back to
the days before our stupid high school bet ever took root, back to him being Satan, nothing more and
nothing less.
I once told a few coworkers at the coffee shop I worked at that Landon and I used to date, and
they laughed straight in my face.
“Sure, and I dated Rihanna.” My manager Brady chuckled. “Oh, Shay. You and your humor.”
I never brought it—or him—up again. I’d spent my early years being a complete idiot, thinking
there was a chance Landon was going to come back to me. I refused to do the same with my thirties.
My teen years and twenties had been a time for stupid love mistakes.
The rest of my life would be spent discovering self-love.
In the past, I believed in fairytales. I believed in true love conquering all, but now I was old
enough to know better. The only love story that mattered was the one I lived with myself. If I was in
love with me, it didn’t matter if some man was, too. My love had to be enough to keep me warm at
night. So, I started to fall in love again—with me, with my life, with my dreams.
I told myself day in and day out that I’d be ready if the time ever came for Landon and me to cross
paths again, but I knew it was impossible to be prepared for such a day. Not after what we’d shared.
Not after what we were. Our time together was a single leaf floating away in the breeze with no sense
of direction or destination, but our love was real even if it only existed for moments. First loves were
different. You never saw the flames coming before it was too late, and you were left scorched.
I didn’t believe you ever fell out of your first love. You simply allowed it to live in a small corner
of your heart, taking up prime real estate of your soul.
I knew after loving Landon, I wouldn’t be able to ever fully give my love away again. My heart
froze over after he left me.
 It would’ve taken a miracle for it to someday defrost, and I was no longer in the realm of
believing in miracles.
 12

Landon
Thirty-Two years old

“YOU BETTER WRAP up whatever you’re writing, because we’re about to pull up to the building,”
Willow said, glancing my way before returning her stare back to her cell phone.
I looked down to my notebook, and grimaced. The words weren’t flowing too easily that
afternoon.
Every single day, I wrote one single letter.
Hundreds of words jotted down on lined paper. Different ink colors, different strokes, different
ways of expressing the love.
Some of them were short while others went on for pages and pages. I shared parts of me in the
ruled notebooks, bleeding every feeling I’d ever felt through the ink of the pen. I’d been writing
letters for a few years now. I never thought I’d be the type to write love letters to individuals, but it
was something that became a staple of my life.
Each letter dripped in truth, something that was very lacking in my day-to-day life. It was no
secret that if not for Shay Gable, I never would’ve picked up a pen to express myself.
Now, it came to me as naturally as showering and brushing my teeth.
I’d never known words could heal until I picked up a pen and bled them out.
“Are you ready?” Willow asked, glancing my way for a split second before looking down at her
cell phone and typing away, probably dealing with the disaster that was my inbox. Willow had been
my assistant for the past few years, and without her skills, I never would’ve made it to an audition,
screening, or interview appointment. All in all, she ran my life from top to bottom.
We were sitting in a black SUV outside The Tonight Show, and I was trying my best to prepare
myself for the mayhem when I opened the door and climbed out of the vehicle. I’d been doing this
fame thing for over ten years now, and still, I wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to walking down the
street and hearing people scream my name. I wasn’t used to having people wait for me to arrive at
venues just for a chance to get a glimpse of me. I wasn’t used to people caring about my existence.
Well, about my made-up existence, at least.
They cared about my acting persona—Landon Pace, Hollywood’s golden boy.
 They couldn’t have cared less about the real Landon Harrison.
Still, I was thankful.
I’d had fans stand out in the most extreme weather conditions throughout the years just to snap a
quick photograph with me. If that wasn’t humbling, I didn’t know what was. It didn’t change the fact
that I had to work up the nerve to get out of the vehicle every fucking time because once I stepped
outside, the show was on. I’d smile, I’d be charming, and I’d be everything they dreamed me to be
and more. I’d give my fans my all, and then I’d go home and crash with my dog.
I took a deep breath, closing my notebook. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a cherry Jolly
Rancher and popped it into my mouth. “Ready.”
“Okay. I’ll make sure to snap some photographs of you interacting with the fans.” Willow inched
her body closer to the door and grabbed the handle. “Let’s go.”
The second she pushed it open, I released my breath and turned on the charm. I stepped out of the
SUV to the sound of shrieking and cheers—all for me. It wasn’t that my smile was fake. It was
genuine through and through, but I was tired. I’d been tired for so long that I wasn’t certain I’d ever
feel awake.
My career both healed me and drained me in so many ways.
Then I looked to my left and saw a little boy wearing a superhero costume, dressed up as one of
my characters, and I couldn’t help but feel happy. That was why I kept doing what I did. That was
why I showed up day in and day out—for the fans, both old and young, who kept showing up for me.
I snapped as many photographs and signed as many autographs as I could before Willow told
everyone I had to leave. She pulled me away into the building, and the moment the door closed behind
me, I relaxed my face.
“I don’t get why they’re so obsessed with you,” Willow commented, tapping away on her phone.
“It’s like they don’t know you take massive dumps after eating Chinese food.”
I chuckled. “I think they believe I poop out gold.”
“Based on the smells, it’s more likely you’re shitting out manure.” One thing I liked about my
assistant was the fact that she never blew smoke up my ass. She was as real as could be, and being in
the career I was in, finding genuine people was a gift.
After being led to my dressing room, I found my stylist waiting with my clothing options for the
interview that afternoon.
“You haven’t been sleeping,” Mom said, looking up from the cart of clothes she was rummaging
through. She walked over to me and pulled at my cheeks, examining my exhaustion. “We can cancel
the show tonight if you’re too exhausted.”
I laughed. “We aren’t canceling on Jimmy Fallon, Mom. I’m fine. I’ll sleep tonight.”
“You said that last night,” she argued.
I loved having my mother work for me, truly. Being able to make both of our dreams blend
together was beyond a blessing. She was so good at her job, too, so it wasn’t as if I was hiring her
solely because she was my mother. I believed in her skills and eye for details.
But sometimes, the overbearing mother in her had a heavier hand than the stylist.
“I just worry you’ve been pushing yourself too hard, Land. It’s been months of nonstop travel
doing promotions overseas, and then you start filming so soon. I can’t help but worry that you’re
going to burn yourself out.”
I was well into my thirties, and my mother was still babying me. I doubted that was going to
change any time soon. Plus, she was right. I felt myself coming up to my limit with being
overwhelmed. I was at my tipping point and needed to talk to my manager sooner than later about
getting a break.
When I went too long without breaks, my mind creeped back into its old habits. My therapist, Dr.
Smith, said a key to learning to live with my anxiety and depression, was to pick up on my triggers. If
I knew the mechanics of my head, I’d become more able to steer the ship to calmer seas. If I ignored
my triggers, I’d end up shipwrecked.
After years of trial and error, I was beginning to learn how to sail, but still, my boat rocked back
and forth due to harsh weather conditions every now and again. I was in need of a break, and perhaps
soon, I’d be able to get one.
I shrugged off her comments and nodded toward the racks. “What are we thinking for today?” I
asked, shifting the conversation.
Mom frowned at me, worry lingering in her eyes, but she allowed me to redirect the focus. “I was
thinking these velvet pants with a plain, fitted black top.”
“Velvet? It itches,” I commented.
“It makes the girls cheer,” she corrected. “And since you are promoting a romantic comedy this
time around, we are all about making the girls cheer for you. You’re a heartthrob to them, Landon.
You need to play up that role. Plus, the pants will make your booty pop.”
“Oh God. Please, never talk about my booty, Mother.”
“Why not?” She grinned cheek to cheek. “You did get your best assets from me, after all.”
“I’m going to pretend this conversation never happened.”
She took the hangers off the rack and handed them to me. “Just do as your mother says. Velvet
pants.”
I did as she said because mother knows best.
The interview was my fifth one of the day, and after it finished, I headed straight home for the
night. My favorite thing to do after a long day of interviews was to go home, flop down on my couch
with my dog, and overthink every stupid thing I might’ve said.
The way you said something during interviews could be completely misunderstood, making me
have the heaviest cases of anxiety. You could look like an asshole when you thought you were making
a goofy joke. You could look like a moron when you misunderstood something the host was asking
you.
I was blessed with an overactive mind. I thought too fucking much. Half the things that went
wrong in my head, no one else even noticed. But me? I broke down every second of every day,
because I didn’t know how to shut off that part of my brain.
I was sure that process of overthinking was super healthy and super helpful.
After a while, I shifted my thoughts to something else because finding the flaws in my
performances was painfully draining. Greyson had called me earlier that week to update me on the
whiskey launch party, which I was sponsoring for him, and it felt good to talk to him.
Over the past few months, Greyson had been through some of his own hellish wars, and it was
only recently that he began reaching out to me as opposed to me calling him day in and day out—all
because of a nanny named Eleanor.
Ever since she came back into Greyson’s life, he was becoming more and more of the person I
knew he was deep inside. He was waking up from the worst nightmare because that woman was
willing to be patient with his brokenness.
The last time I’d spoken with Greyson, he’d made sure to note that Shay would be coming to the
whiskey launch with Eleanor, seeing how they were cousins.
I would have liked to say I hadn’t thought about her over the past few years, but that would’ve
been a straight-up lie.
When I thought about the defining moments of my life, Shay was at the top of my list. She was the
first and pretty much only person who’d ever been able to wake me up from my deep slumber. Before
her, I’d struggled so much with who I was, with my worth, with why I had been brought into this
world. After a few months with her, she’d helped me see clearer. She’d opened my eyes to
possibilities and made me dream of a future, a future I’d once thought I’d never get to experience, a
future I almost missed out on living. I had left her side thinking someday I’d find myself, which would
lead me back to her arms. I’d thought with some practice, I’d figure out the broken pieces of me and
be enough of a man for her to love.
It turned out that shit wasn’t easy, and I wasn’t magnificent at self-discovery.
I failed time and time again, and when years passed by, I knew she was better off without the mess
I would’ve left upon her front door. I moved on, knowing she would be better if she did the same.
There were so many times I wanted to go back to her, but I knew I couldn’t show up to her with my
broken pieces, hoping she’d help heal them. I knew she was better off without the mess I would’ve
left upon her front doorstep.
It came down to me not being selfish. It came down to me not trying to lean on her in order to keep
me standing. It came down to me wanting more for Shay than I could’ve ever given her. She wanted
all of me, yet my heart worked in phases like the moon. It shifted every few weeks, sometimes feeling
completely full, other times looking like a crescent sliver.
Still, she crossed my mind every now and again. Now that Greyson had informed me she’d be in
attendance at the whiskey launch that coming weekend, she was making an appearance in my thoughts
much more regularly.
What was she like nowadays?
What did she do?
Were her eyes still as brown and full of hope as they were before?
Who did she love?
That question passed through me more than most—who did she love today, and who loved her
back?
Most of the women I spent my time with never really stuck with me. I was known for my speed-
dating persona because I never settled down, always moving on to the next. Most people probably
thought it was because I was this Hollywood superstar who didn’t have to settle down. They
probably thought I was only searching for sex but that was a lie.
I was searching for anything that had a small resemblance to the first girl who’d ever loved me—
the real me, the broken me, the scarred boy who didn’t know how to love himself.
I was looking for parts of Shay in every woman who crossed my path, but they never got close to
the way she sparked something intense throughout my entire being.
Rookie crawled into my lap and began snoring with his heavy breaths.
After my dog, Ham, passed away years ago, it took me a while to consider getting another
companion. Maybe individuals who weren’t dog people would’ve never understood the heartbreak
that happened when a person’s dog passed away, but to me it felt like losing a best friend. Ham had
stood by my side through the hardest periods of my life, both in my youth and in my career. Losing him
almost killed me, too.
I put off getting another dog for the longest time. I felt as if I was somehow betraying Ham for
moving on, but the moment I saw Rookie in the shelter, I knew he was the right one for me. He peed
on my shoes and everything. Ever since then, we’d been attached at the hip. He was a small toy
poodle—a very manly man dog, obviously—and he was treated like a king upon kings. The next day,
he and I would be headed back to Chicago for the whiskey launch party the following weekend. The
next day, I’d be in pretty much the same city and breathing the same air as Shay. A few days after that,
we’d be face to face.
I sat there in the silence of my New York penthouse, staring into the darkness as every single
memory of Shay Gable came rushing back to me. I played them on a loop because every memory was
worth reliving.
 13

Shay

MY GRANDMOTHER always joked that good men existed, it just so happened they all lived on the
movie screen.
Normally I loved our Sunday dinners, but lately they felt like love’s battlefield, and Mima was
shooting out bombs trying to dissect my current relationship.
Mom was late for dinner—again—and that left the conversation wide open for Mima to be her
nosy self, asking about my love life—or lack thereof. Sam and I had been dating for the past nine
months, and I was in a comfortable state of contentment with our situation, yet that didn’t seem enough
to please Mima.
Her crown roast sizzled as she sat it down on the dining room table. After that, she brought out the
mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. Leave it to Mima to cook a whole feast for a simple
Sunday dinner for three.
Steam rose from the meal, and the aromas of perfectly cooked foods filled the space as my
stomach rumbled in anticipation.
“I don’t understand why we haven’t met him if you two have been dating for so long,” she argued,
setting down a tossed salad. “You haven’t even given us a name.”
“I told you, Mima—I don’t want to bring him around if it’s not serious. Plus, it’s only been nine
months.”
“That’s long enough to know if you’re into someone. People have children in nine months’ time. If
they are able to bake up a whole human, you should be able to make up your mind about a man. If it is
not serious by now, it’s not going to be serious. Besides…” She scooped up a big spoonful of her
mashed potatoes—too much for me, but I’d definitely eat it all—and plopped it down on my plate. “I
don’t think he’s the one for you.”
I laughed. “How would you even know? I hardly talk about him.”
“Exactly. If someone’s the one for you, you can’t help but feel ecstatic about it. You want to talk
about them all the time. It spills out of you like lava, warming you from the tips of your toes to the
crown of your head—which makes me believe, this isn’t the one. There’s no passion behind it.”
“There doesn’t have to be passion. This isn’t a movie. It’s real life.”
 “Real life should be better than the movies.”
It was weird how Mima believed in love so much when love hadn’t been the greatest for herself.
Even after all the heartache she’d been through with my grandfather, she still believed in happily ever
afters.
I, on the other hand, struggled with the concept daily. I’d only been in that soul-crushing love once
in my life, and it had done exactly that—crushed my soul. I was completely okay with hovering in the
realm of liking someone instead of giving myself completely to them.
Not every romance had to be The Notebook.
Some could be a made-for-television kind of story. For example, those Hallmark movies where
two people fall in love in three days and no souls are crushed in the making of their connection.
Those stories had some appeal to them. They were easier. Fluffy and comfortable. Plus, if the couple
broke up after the end credits, it wasn’t as if anyone was shattered. The girl would probably go back
to working in New York City again, and the hero would start selling more trees on his father’s
Christmas tree lot until another big city girl crossed his path the next year.
“Maybe that stuff is just for the fairytales, Mima. Maybe all that heart skipping and flowery stuff
is just for the storybooks.”
“Oh, honey. You can’t believe that. You are, after all, the one who is going to break this family’s
love curse.”
Here we go again.
The Martinez family curse.
My grandmother was a firm believer that fairytales still existed in real life, even though she’d
never lived to see a truly healthy relationship within our family. Mima believed in knights in shining
armor, princesses, funny sidekicks, villains, and magical curses. My gosh, did she believe in those
curses. She was convinced our family had many generational curses that shadowed us all and kept us
all from achieving our greatest love story.
There is no amount of pressure like the pressure from a grandmother who is convinced you’re the
one brought into this world to break the generational family curse set upon your family decades
before. Mima was completely sure I was the one to end the Martinez love drought.
I didn’t want to believe in her crazy speeches, but I swore, they sometimes held a bit of truth. We
Martinez women had experienced a bit of bad luck in the romance department for ages.
I could hear my mother in my ear at all times. Every time I got let down by the opposite sex, I
heard her whisperings. “Never has there been good men in our family history, mi amor. We women
are cursed to love sons of bitches. My grandfather was a son of a bitch. Your grandfather was a
son of a bitch, your father was a son of a bitch. We’re better off alone.”
Then, I’d hear Mima and her hopefulness slipping in. “I pray to God each day that you are the
one to end this curse set upon us Martínez women. You are our savior.”
Again—no pressure.
Over the years, the three of us ladies had grown closer than before. We held each other up
whenever life tried to knock us down—which it had done over and over again. But, with the love of
my mother and grandmother, I knew we’d always make it through the darkest of days.
The three of us were like a low-budget version of Jane the Virgin—full of love, light, laughter,
and support. The Martínez women were built to survive, even if we were cursed by love. I was Jane,
the girl trying to create a writing career for myself, but I didn’t have a Michael or Rafael fighting over
me and my love.
Instead, I had a Sam. I doubted he was one who would go to war over me. I didn’t blame him—I
wouldn’t wield a sword over him, either. We weren’t that kind of relationship. We hadn’t needed to
go to war for our connection.
Before I could respond about the curse of the Martínez clan, Mom came rushing through the front
door, humming loudly and spinning in circles. “I’m in love, I’m in love, and I want the whole world
to know it!” she exclaimed.
Her words confused the heck out of me. My mom? In love?
What in the world…?
“See, that’s the kind of excitement you should be having about this mystery boy!” Mima
exclaimed.
Not very likely.
Mom looked so happy and light, grinning ear to ear. Any minute now she’d be Tom Cruise
jumping on Mima’s couch about her love affair.
“You know who made you excited?” Mima asked me.
Don’t say Landon Harrison. Don’t say Landon Harrison…
“Landon Harrison.” She beamed with a sparkle in her eyes. If there was anyone who Mima loved
almost as much as she loved me, it was Landon. Since day one, she’d always been his biggest fan. But
if there was anything Mima took seriously, it was her loyalty. When Landon and I went our separate
ways, she cut ties with him, too, in order to show her love and support for me. When it came to
choosing sides, my grandmother would always choose mine.
Still, that didn’t mean she didn’t occasionally bring up Landon, and remind me that he was a
wonderful boy.
“The last time I heard you sound excited about a relationship was when you were seeing that,
sweet, sweet boy. You should give him a call,” Mima offered.
“It’s been over a decade, Mima. I definitely don’t have his number,” I replied.
“That’s a shame.” She pouted. “You were so happy with him.”
I was a teenager—what did I know about true happiness?
“Speaking of happy…” I cleared my throat. “We should probably talk about Mom’s new love.” I
needed the attention to move on from me to someone else, and who better than the lovesick puppy that
was my mother? Maybe she was in charge of breaking the Martínez curse, not me.
“Yes. What is this love you are going on and on about?” Mima asked, making Mom a plate.
Mom plopped down in her chair, still grinning cheek to cheek. “I just rescued a puppy,” she
stated.
Well, that made more sense. It definitely was puppy love.
“I’m picking it up from the Humane Society tomorrow, and oh my gosh, I just adore the pup so
much. I mean look!” She pulled out her phone and passed around a picture of the most adorable dog
ever.
As Mima held the phone in her hand, she shook her head. “You mean to tell me you came spinning
into my apartment over a dog?”
“Not just a dog, Mama,” Mom squeaked. “The dog. Her name is Bella, and she’s just the most
adorable thing in the world.”
“Oh, great,” Mima groaned, rolling her eyes. “Another vagina in the family.”
I snickered a little under my breath.
“What is wrong with you ladies? When are you going to settle down and bring a man over for
dinner! I am getting sick of eating each week with you two dopeheads. And plus, I’m getting up there
in age and would like a granddaughter some day!”
 “What did you think I meant when I said I was in love?” Mom asked. “That I was bringing a guy
around?”
“Is that so crazy?” Mima asked.
“Um, a little. There is no way a guy is more exciting than a puppy. What could a guy give me that
a puppy couldn’t? Love, comfort, snuggles—”
“Orgasms,” Mima said, causing me to spit out my wine in shock.
“Mima!”
“What?! It’s true. You went out to get a puppy because you were probably getting sick of being
home alone, right Camila?”
“Well, yes.”
“You know what could make you feel even less alone at home? A big, strong man. Plus, he can put
his penis inside you, which is a win-win.”
Oh my gosh, my grandmother was talking about orgasms and penises inside my mother. This
conversation just took a very odd turn.
“Are we really talking about orgasms at Sunday dinner?” I asked, still baffled.
Mom’s phone dinged, and she eagerly went to respond. Her cheeks turned rosy, and she turned her
back away from us for a moment as she began typing back. “Sorry, it was the humane society. They
said I can pick up Bella tonight if I come when I’m done here!” she exclaimed.
“See? Don’t you miss that, Shannon Sofia?” Mima asked, gesturing toward my mother. “Even
though your mother is showcasing that excitement over a mutt, it’s still exciting. Something that makes
your heart race faster and faster.”
“No thanks. I’m not into heart attacks.”
Mima frowned. “When did you become so unromantic? You used to live for good love stories.
You still write love stories, but you’re telling me that you don’t believe in love anymore?”
“I can write love stories, and not believe in the concept, Mima. I doubt Melissa Mathison and
Steven Spielberg believed in E.T., but they did a great job creating that film. Besides, my relationship
is fine.”
“Fine,” Mima huffed, waving her hand toward me in dismissal. “No one wants to be fine in a
relationship. You want to be alive.”
“Maybe we should drop this conversation,” I offered. I didn’t want to talk about Sam anymore,
and luckily, Mom was quick to go on and on about Bella. Still, I kept thinking about Mima’s
comments about Sam and our lackluster romance. Sam and I might not have had massive fireworks
shooting from our hearts, but our little sparklers were just fine.
On the way out, Mima packed me up some leftovers, and placed her hands on my cheeks. “I hope
you know that my worry and concern for your romantic life comes from a place of love, Shannon
Sofia. I fear that if you keep down this road of hardness with your heart, that soon it will turn to
stone.”
I gave her a lazy smile, leaned in, and kissed her chin. “Don’t worry, Mima. This heart of mine is
still beating.”
Just not solely for the attention of men.
“Think about taking your boyfriend to that whiskey party Greyson East is throwing. It might be
good for you to reveal him to the world there.”
I shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”
My cousin, Eleanor, had recently invited me to join her at Greyson’s autumn whiskey launch. It
was supposed to be a huge event with red carpets, celebrities and ex-boyfriends.
 I thought back to the moment Eleanor informed me Landon was going to be at the event. I tried my
best to play it cool and pretend the butterfly of nerves weren’t swirling in my stomach. “That was a
long time ago. Ancient history,” I told her.
Eleanor laughed a little. “I remember saying the same thing about Greyson when I took this job.”
“So, are you finally admitting you have feelings for Grey?”
“No,” she quickly recanted. “All I’m saying is, even if it’s ancient history, it’s still history
nonetheless. I wanted to make sure you were okay with going if Landon was there.”
“Of course.” I nodded. “It’s fine. All my feelings for Landon died ages ago. Plus, we are both
adults. I think I can handle being in the same room as him. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m great. So good.
Fine.” I said fine one too many times, sounding like Ross from Friends when he found out Joey and
Rachel were dating.
I’m fiiiine.
Still, I’d been thinking about the party ever since I was invited. Thinking about Landon and what
I’d say to him—if I’d say anything. Maybe Mima was right. Maybe I should’ve taken Sam with me
and used him as a bit of a shield. I was just trying to understand why that idea made me so uneasy.
After dinner, I arrived at my apartment building with a desperate need for a bottle of wine, and a
bubble bath soak. After leaving the battlefield of love at Mima’s, I always ended up needing to
decompress. It began raining after I left and of course there was no umbrella to be found in my car.
As I hopped out of my car, I grabbed my purse and keys, then held my coat over my head as the
rain hammered down on me. I hopped from puddle to puddle, getting soaked as my body became
chilled from the deluge. As I rounded the corner of the building toward the front steps, I paused a
moment when I saw a poor, pathetic man sitting there getting soaked from head to toe with his head
bent down as he tried to shield himself from the rain with his hands. A terrible attempt at a shield, if I
did say so myself. His blond hair lay plastered to his forehead as he shivered in the cold.
He looked…pathetic.
Pathetically rich, that is.
I looked to his feet and saw designer Gucci shoes. Holding his pants in place was a sparkle of
gold from his matching Gucci belt. What could I say? I had an eye for expensive things I could never
afford.
“Did you get locked out?” I asked, feeling bad for the well-dressed schmuck who was probably
seconds away from catching pneumonia. “Or do you need me to knock on someone’s apartment door
once I get inside? Our buzzing machine has been on the fritz all week long and—”
My words died away as the strange, soaking wet man lifted his head to look at me. The world
became dizzying as those eyes locked with mine.
Those eyes.
Those devilishly delicious blue eyes.
My heartbeats came to a crashing halt as I stared into the eyes of the first and only man I’d ever
loved. Landon sat on the steps of my apartment building, soaked from head to toe, sending my mind
into a tailspin of emotions.
What is he doing here? Why is he here? How does he even know where here is?
Every inch of me began to shake—not from the harsh rainfall, but from the fact of his presence.
My lips parted and no words fell from my tongue.
Why did I feel sick? Why did I want to run? Why couldn’t I stop my heart from losing its mind?
After all the years that had passed, after all the work I’d done to break free of that man existing in my
mind, he still somehow controlled my heartbeats.
 What’s happening right now?
He stood to his feet and stuffed his hands into his obviously tailored pants, which were sticking to
his thighs like stockings.
His lips parted and his voice shook as only two words fell from between his lips. “Hey, Chick.”
Hey, Chick.
That was me—at least the me I used to be whenever he was near. I was his Chick, he was my
Satan, and we used to be so hopelessly in love with one another. Just like that, I was sent back in
time. I was seventeen again and completely confused about every facet of my life. I’d remembered the
first time we kissed. I’d remembered the first time we’d made love. I’d remembered the way our
bodies entwined. I’d remembered it all, and it came rushing back to me, knocking the air from my
lungs.
I spoke the only word I could muster as I wiped the raindrops from my face. “No.”

NO .
No, no, no, no.
That was the only word I’d managed to say to Landon as he sat there on the outside steps of the
entryway to my apartment.
My heart sat in my chest after the very short-lived interaction. My mind was still spinning from
the idea that he’d been sitting on those steps in the pouring rain. How long had he sat there waiting
before I had arrived, and why did I feel like my sweet, sweet friend Raine had something to do with
him learning where I lived?
Shay: You are officially on my shit list.
Raine: I was waiting for this text message to come through, but you can’t blame it on me. I’m
hormonal and eight months pregnant. When Landon asked about you, I couldn’t control my tongue.
Not shocking. Raine had never been able to control her tongue. Ever since we were kids, she’d
been sticking her nose in other people’s business. One of her most used phrases was, “I don’t want to
get involved, but—”
I knew her and her husband, Hank, had kept in touch with Landon throughout the years. It wasn’t
an unknown secret that he kept just about all of his friendships except me. But, Raine hardly ever
brought him up because she knew how hard it was for me to hear about Landon.
I supposed she didn’t think it would be a big deal to, oh I don’t know, give him my address so he
could stalk me a little bit on a rainy Sunday.
Raine: Forgive me, please.
Raine: If it makes it any better, you should know that I peed myself in line at Target today after I
bent over to pick up a Snickers bar. That’s right. I pissed myself in the checkout line of Target, and
then I broke down into tears, causing even more of a scene. Have pity on your awful friend.
I smiled at the text message. Oddly enough that did make me feel a little better.
Raine: Let me make it up to you—Brunch this Sunday, on me. Endless mimosas for you, and I’ll
just have to sit and watch you drink my favorite drink in the world. I’ll allow you to get shitfaced as I
try not to wet myself in another public place.
Shay: Deal.
I hurried into my bedroom and began running a bath, one I was planning on staying in until the
water ran cold and my fingers turned into prunes.
My phone dinged once more.
Raine: But he looked good, right? I thought he looked so good. Healthy. Happy. Sexy as all get
out.
Shay: I’m deleting your number until Sunday, and I fully expect you to name your child after me
after this incident.
Raine: But I’m having a boy.
Shay: Right. Make him suffer the way you’ve made me suffer.
I climbed into the steaming hot pool of water with a bottle of red wine, because when your
celebrity ex-boyfriend showed up to your door after a decade of silence, one had no need for a
wineglass. Straight from the bottle it was, like the classy lady I’d grown up to become.
After a few very large chugs from the bottle, I sat it down on the tiled bathroom floor. I leaned
back in the tub and tried my best to shake the thought of Landon away, but it seemed almost
impossible to do so.
Because Raine wasn’t wrong—Landon did look good. Too good. Sure, in the moment he hadn’t
looked like the happiest guy in the world sitting in the rain, but he had looked healthy. Sigh. And
handsome. He looked so painfully handsome standing there dripping wet with me on his mind.
What I hated most about him was how he aged so well, like the finest of wines. I’d wished he
would go from a swan to an ugly duckling over time, but, alas, Landon was beautiful. I hadn’t known
men could be beautiful until I watched him grow up from a young preteen with acne to the striking
adult he’d become. He became so damn handsome it was nauseating. Once when Eleanor and I were
wine drunk and watching Hallmark Christmas movies in July, we looked up the most expensive
bottles of wine in the world, and dammit if Landon wasn’t a 2010 Barolo Monfortino Riserva
Conterno.
I was truly hoping he’d become a $2.99 gas station bottle of Moscato.
It wasn’t one characteristic that made him beautiful, either. It was every single thing. He had so
many well-defined facial features, from his bright blue eyes, to the carved-out dimples in his cheeks,
his chiseled jawline, and his lips.
Oh, those full, kissable lips.
I began recalling the number of times those lips had been all over my body, how many times
they’d tasted me, explored me, owned me in every single way. How those lips and that man had taken
the two things from me that I could’ve never given to another man—my virginity and my heart.
Plus, his body was well built, too. My gosh, his body was ripped—probably a big thanks to the
action movie he’d finished filming a few months back. I hadn’t seen the movie. I hadn’t watched any
of his movies since we’d gone our separate ways, but you couldn’t be on social media without seeing
Landon and his nineteen million abs from that movie. His abs broke the internet more than Kim
Kardashian’s champagne ass toast.
Landon’s skin glowed, too, even when it was dripping from the rain. When we were kids, the sun
used to attack him and turn him into a ripe tomato, but nowadays, Landon seemed more sun-kissed
than burned. He had a coppery tone to him that probably made millions of women go mad.
And out of the millions of women in the world pining after him, he still ended up on my doorstep.
Don’t read too much into it, Shay.
Geez. How could I not? I was on his mind so much that he tracked me down in search of…what? I
still wasn’t sure what he had been looking for when he came to my door that night. A reunion? A flash
of emotion pouring out of one another? Me telling him I’d never stopped loving him after all this
time?
I didn’t give him any of what he’d wanted—not my time or my attention. I gave him nothing,
because nothing was what he deserved. I was no longer the girl who waited around for guys to make
time for me to fit into their lives.
I was too old for games outside of Sudoku, and I refused to allow Landon Harrison to play me
again.
 14

Shay

I WAITED until the morning of the whiskey launch party to build up enough nerve to ask Sam to come
with me. The past few nights, I’d been a bit of a recluse, working on my manuscripts. Sam always
said he understood when I went into artist mode and stayed in my writing cave. Truth was, the writing
cave was an excuse for me to skip out on reality for a short period of time.
Landon kept crossing my mind like a bad habit. I felt intoxicated by the memory of him standing in
the pouring rain on those steps. I couldn’t shake it away, no matter how hard I tried, and I really,
really tried.
I still wasn’t one hundred percent certain about asking Sam to attend the party with me, but I
figured it was the right thing to do, especially knowing Landon and I would be face to face within a
few hours.
I’d have been lying if I’d said listening to Mima go on and on about Sam not being right for me
didn’t bother me a bit. What bothered me even more was how I felt more from those few minutes near
Landon, than I had in the past nine months with Sam. There was a small hiccup in my throat where
those nerves built up, but I tried my best to shake them away.
We were fine, Sam and I, because there wasn’t really any room for drama. That was another
problem with passionate romances—the drama it entailed. Just standing near Landon for those few
minutes had struck up fireworks inside my soul, and they burned so intensely. He came in scorching
hot, leaving me with blisters.
Sam and I weren’t like that. We were easy. What was so wrong with being easy? He’d never end
up standing in front of my house in the pouring rain, and that was fine.
Sam wasn’t the bad boy. He was a gentleman. He took me on dates, opened doors, pulled out
chairs, and when he texted me, he used complete sentences.
For the first time in years, loneliness caught up to me and I gave Sam a chance.
I needed a good boy, and he seemed to fit that mode for me.
He was basic in all the right ways. There were no real surprises when it came to Sam, and I was
thankful for that. He’d never done drugs. He was a casual drinker. He loved his mother and called his
grandma every weekend. He had a healthy love for animals, and he’d taken part in the women’s march
the previous fall.
Sure, he had his nerdy quirks, but I liked that about him. I liked how he could talk about Star Trek
with such a gleam in his eyes. I liked our date nights at gaming bars. Even though I wasn’t a gamer by
any means, watching him get excited was enough to make my cold heart slowly beat.
Honestly, he seemed one hundred percent top notch…right up until I walked in on him banging
Princess Leia early that morning.
Well, not the actual Princess Leia, seeing how she was a fictional character. Plus, Sam didn’t
really have the kind of skills needed to nail an actual princess. The girl he was currently humping and
grinding wore a cosplay outfit, and I swore she screamed out, “Sam, you are my daddy,” in some kind
of nerdy, high-pitched, orgasmic screech.
Sam. You. Are. My. Daddy.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
“Are you kidding me?” I blurted out, standing in Sam’s bedroom while a woman’s clit sat against
his mouth. The way he maneuvered his face to glance toward me made acid rise up my throat, leaving
me seconds away from vomiting. He was face-deep in another girl’s vagina and he had the nerve to
give me guilty puppy dog eyes.
Puppy dog eyes and glistening lips.
My stomach clenched from the sight of it all. For a split second I considered how I’d look in an
orange jumpsuit. Truthfully, orange wasn’t my color. Was it anyone’s color? I couldn’t for the life of
me think of the last time I’d said, Oh, Heather! You’re really rocking that orange top, girl!
How many years would I spend in prison for the murder of two human beings?
Would the judge be more forgiving if I told him the Princess Leia story?
The woman’s eyes locked with mine, and I took a few steps backward when realization set in that
it was Tina—the woman who came into Ava’s Bakery and Coffee Shop every single day.
I served her coffee every morning, and we laughed and joked about life together. She was
adorkable in so many ways. If Sam were a female, he’d be Tina. She was so effortlessly charming as
she spoke about nerdy stuff I didn’t understand. When she talked, I could tell she was passionate
about it, and there was nothing I loved more than finding people who were passionate about things as
opposed to being passionate about people.
When she’d mentioned she ran a Dungeon and Dragons game night every week, I informed her that
my boyfriend—correction: ex-boyfriend—had been looking to join a group activity of that sort. I
almost begged her to let Sam join her group, only because I was getting sick of him trying to explain
to me that Dungeon and Dragons had nothing to do with whips and red rooms.
In a way, I had set them up.
Oh God.
This is my doing.
Sam is tickling her wood elf because of me.
I had sent him to her basement on a weekly basis after I made her a caramel latte each day.
I gave her free shortbread cookies more often than not, and she had the nerve to do this to me.
Well, you know what they say: If you give a whore a cookie, she’ll probably suck your boyfriend’s
dick.
Whipping around on my heels, I barged out of the room as Sam shouted my name.
I didn’t cry.
Crying over guys was something I’d promised myself I’d never do after too many tears in my past,
and truthfully, I hardly knew Sam well enough to give him my emotions. I reserved those for a select
few things: my family, my friends, and YouTube videos of corgis swimming.
Sam began to chase after me, so I quickened my pace through his house, barging straight out his
front door into the chilled air. Autumn had moved swiftly into Chicago, bringing about rainy days and
cooler mornings.
“Shay, wait, please!” Sam called after me.
I spun around to face him and was met with his half-naked self, standing on the street wearing
nothing but his glasses and a pair of sweatpants he must’ve swiped on his way out.
What stupid glasses. What a stupid face—a face I’d almost considered falling for at one point.
Maybe. With enough time, I could’ve fallen for that face. It was an okay sphere, something I could’ve
looked at…forever?
Ugh, why am I lying to myself?
“What is it, Sam?” I hollered, feeling a knot in my stomach. “What excuse could you possibly
have for what I just saw?”
“I, err…” He cringed a little, pinching the bridge of his nose. Guilt filled his gaze, but I didn’t
care. People only have guilt in their eyes after they do something crappy to another person. The
damage was already done. No takebacks. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“You didn’t mean to have sex with Tina? Or you didn’t mean to get caught?”
“I, well, it’s—”
“Say complicated and I’ll kick you between the legs,” I told him.
His body recoiled from those words and he took a step back. “I thought you’d be at work today.
You should have told me you were on your way over.”
Oh, all right then.
I understood now.
That was the error of my ways—not informing Sam I was heading to his house. If I had, he
could’ve kicked Princess Leia out sooner and been seen as the Prince Charming he was only
pretending to be.
Opening doors, calling his nonna, making pies for the underprivileged—good ol’ Sam, the saint of
all saints who just so happened to have an undomesticated penis.
I’d have been lying if I’d said the current situation didn’t affect me a small bit. I was a strong
woman, but still human after all. Things got to me. Even Sam and his betrayal were affecting my heart
—though, I’d admit, a lot less than it should’ve.
Sam grimaced. “Look, Shay, I think you’re a great girl, but—”
“No,” I cut in, shaking my head. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to break up with me while
you’re shirtless on the street because I caught you cheating. No, I’m breaking up with you, okay? So,
take yourself back inside and return to screwing your princess. You two are actually perfect for one
another. As far as you and I go? We’re done. So, just to be clear, I broke up with you. Not the other
way around. Okay?”
He shrugged. “Okay.”
Okay?
Gosh, why was he so all right with the break-up?
Of course he didn’t fight for me, because we weren’t fireworks in the sky. We were little
sparklers that fizzled out with no longevity.
There was no point for me to keep pushing him, to keep making digs at his actions. Truth was, we
hardly even knew one another. We weren’t ever going to be anything more than the past nine months.
We weren’t going to discover any more firsts.
 I wouldn’t meet his mom, and he wouldn’t meet mine.
He wouldn’t celebrate my birthday, and I wouldn’t give him Christmas gifts.
We were just a couple of almosts.
Come on, Shay. Chin up, head high, and walk away. You’ve known your mailman longer than
you’ve known this boy. There are canned goods in your pantry older than this relationship. Move
on.
I headed toward my car, not feeling too much about the whole situation or about Sam. I wished I
could’ve said I was surprised, but life had taught me all about men. It turned out all guys were the
same, no matter what. It could be a nerd, a jock, a scientist, or a monk. At the end of the day, they
were all alike because they all had dicks.
All a dick could do was dickish things, and us women had to deal with it.
But on the plus side, at least wine still existed.
As I headed to my car to leave, my phone dinged with a message from Eleanor.
Eleanor: Just a heads-up, I think Landon is bringing a woman tonight. Maybe reconsider having
mystery man on your arm?
Oh, great.
I was going to skip right over the wine and head straight for the vodka.

ANYONE WHO THOUGHT eleven A.M. was too early for vodka, probably never tried it. I shouldn’t have
cared that Landon was bringing a woman. He could’ve brought every lady on the planet on his arm,
and I should’ve been fine with that fact. But truthfully, I wasn’t. After seeing him the other night,
wounds that I thought were closed began to reopen again. Then with Sam’s betrayal, I felt even more
exposed.
I sat in my apartment, mindlessly swiping left and right on my cell phone like the pathetic woman I
had become. For the last year and a half, I’d banned myself from dating apps. After joining them
earlier in an attempt to get over Satan, I’d found there was a slippery slope that came with the
territory. The level of addiction I had to opening the applications was sickening.
Bumble? Tinder? Coffee Meets Bagel?
Didn’t matter—I was obsessed.
Not only was there the mindless swiping, there was also the whole dramatic phrase of deleting all
dating applications from your cell phone, because you were—quote unquote—over it, only to re-
download them a week later, because addiction was real, and who knew, maybe PimpDaddy69 was
truly my soul mate. Just because he wrote his bio in all caps and spelled princess with two dollar
symbols, didn’t mean he wasn’t my knight in $hining armor.
Maybe he needed the right girl to shape him into a good man.
Dating in your thirties felt a lot like fishing in a dirty goldfish bowl with murky water. Most of the
fish were floating upside down, and the ones who weren’t were running head first into the sides.
Which was exactly why I’d opted out of the dating apps world so long ago. I had found Sam only
because he walked into the bakery I worked at, and I swore if I were to date again, I’d have to cross
paths with the person in a real-world scenario.
Yet there I was, vodka-drunk at eleven in the morning, swiping right nonstop, because I was in
need of an instant fling, just for a few hours.
 I needed someone to have on my arm that night, because my ego had been bruised, and I couldn’t
show up emptyhanded, especially knowing my first love was going to be there with another woman.
To the rest of the world, he was Landon Pace, Hollywood’s golden boy, the next Brad Pitt. But to
me? To me he was just regular ol’ Landon Harrison, the boy who broke my heart and never looked
back.
I wasn’t looking forward to reconnecting with him, especially without Sam by my side, because
even though Landon infuriated me to extremes, he still had some kind of effect on me. I hated the idea
of being around him, because out of all the men I’d ever crossed paths with, he was the only one who
made my heart run wild. I hadn’t known it was possible for a man to make your skin crawl with
annoyance and tingle with desire at the same time.
I needed to put distance between us—or a human being at the very least. So, I kept drunkenly
swiping on my phone, looking for a one-event stand with anyone, including PimpDaddy69.
Every time a guy would message me with DTF, I’d reply with, DTMLJAPSIMS?—down to make
Landon jealous and pretend Shay is mentally stable?
Needless to say, I didn’t get too many hits, and as the hours kept passing, a hopeless feeling grew
in my gut. I’d just became single, I was going to be confronted with my ultimate-ex within a few
hours, and he’d have another woman on his arm.
 15

Landon

I HATED SOCIAL GATHERINGS .

Greyson’s whiskey launch was the first big event I attended since the Oscars, and I still wasn’t
ready for it. I felt as if it took me about ten months to recover from awards season. Being surrounded
by other celebrities was the most draining thing in the world, but I knew the publicity would be great
for Greyson and his company. Even if we were in a space filled with snakes.
About ninety-five percent of the people at the whiskey launch hated one another, though they
smiled as if they didn’t. A room filled with actors. That’s what it meant attending any social event
with the extremely wealthy, but these individuals were real fucking actors. They all received their
nourishment from LDG: lies, deceit, and gossip. About one-third of the crowd was probably heading
toward bankruptcy yet lying their asses off about it. Another third was cheating on their spouses, and
their mistresses were probably in the same room.
The last third were just really shitty humans.
Most conversations were pretty much women gossiping about crap that didn’t matter, and guys
talking about how their yacht was the biggest yacht out there. That conversation opener would always
launch another person to disagree, then they’d talk about their huge, throbbing yacht engines.
Easy, fellas. You’re all beautiful snowflakes.
I sipped on my whiskey and kept myself engaged enough so the tabloids wouldn’t run stories
about how anti-social I had become. Normally I wouldn’t have even bothered attending an event like
this, but since it was for Greyson, I knew I’d show up. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for my best
friend, especially after the trauma he and his two girls went through when they were in a car crash a
few months back.
Anything he’d ever needed, I’d do without question. I knew he’d do the same for me in a
heartbeat.
“To your left is Ralph Weldon. He worked as a producer on your film A Time Lapse. To his left is
his wife Sandra, who just gave birth to their second child a few months ago,” Willow whispered as
she leaned in toward me.
I smoothed my hands over my tailored Giorgio Armani suit. My eyes darted around the whiskey
function, taking in the familiar faces of people I had crossed paths with throughout the years. I never
forgot a face, but I was almost guaranteed to forget a name.
Thankfully Willow was always close by to lean in and whisper them to me. I wasn’t certain how I
got anything done without her, let alone greeted others. Her brain was a filing cabinet of information,
and she spat it out like Sherlock Holmes on a case.
If I asked her what I’d eaten a year ago to the date, she could go into full detail about what
seasonings were used in the dish. Okay, maybe she wasn’t that good, but pretty damn close.
We walked over to Sandra and Ralph to greet them, and I congratulated them on their new child. If
there was anything I was a master at, it was communicating with individuals in such a way that they
felt at home when they spoke to me. It came as part of the celebrity job tasks, wining and dining
individuals so you left a lasting impression. The goal was to have people so comfortable with you
that the men would walk away thinking they could grab a beer with you and the women would wonder
if a secret affair could take place.
Tacky, yet powerful. Being well received and liked in the world of acting was one of the best
characteristics a person could hold. You couldn’t only be talented, but you had to have a solid
personality to showcase said talent.
Plus, you’d leave an imprint on the individuals, and when casting directors would start their
search, you’d pop into their minds.
All of Hollywood was a game. All you had to do was know how to work the system. It took me a
few years to get my footing on how things went in la-la land, but once I learned, I mastered my skills.
I’d never let people in close enough to know the real me. Otherwise, I doubt I would’ve landed as
many roles as I had.
For example, if Ralph and Sandra knew I’d suffered from one of my panic attacks on the way to
the whiskey launch tonight, I doubt they would’ve found me as charming.
It’d been a while since I suffered from a panic attack, thanks to some good therapy sessions and
the coping mechanisms I’d learned over the years. Yet after the spontaneous night of barging into
Shay’s life uninvited and having her turn me away, my mind had gone into overload. I’d tried all the
tools in my mental health toolbelt, but unfortunately, that wasn’t how mental health worked all the
time. Sometimes, in the quiet of the night, I’d fall victim to my body giving into the panic overload.
It had happened that evening on the ride over to the event. Willow was in the SUV with me as our
driver headed to the venue. She knew what was happening, too, because I always closed myself off
completely. My hands gripped the sides of the seats, and I lowered my head between my thighs, trying
to control my breathing.
Three good things, I’d thought to myself.
That was one of the basic teachings I’d learned from my therapist.
When I was in a full-blown panic attack, I had to force myself to name three good things that
happened in the past forty-eight hours. They could be big or small, and they worked as reminders that
I was going to be okay.

1. I woke up this morning.

2. Rookie ate all his dog food, something he’s been rebelling against since I gave him some
human food the other night.
3. At least I was able to see Shay.
 Three good things, three things I would’ve probably taken for granted in the past. The last thing I
had definitely taken for granted.
Willow instructed the driver to take a few extra laps around the venue before dropping me off,
and luckily, I’d been able to compose myself.
Willow took me around to greet a few others, and I charmed, and wowed, and played the role I’d
learned to master. Empty conversations filled with no truths—it was what they wanted, so I fed them
exactly that.
My eyes moved up from a producer who was going on and on about how he’d had his dick sucked
by some intern a few nights ago—because that was normal cocktail conversation—and the moment
they landed on the front entrance, I felt the small spark that lived inside my heart start to reignite into
blasting flames.
“If you’ll excuse me, Paul,” I cut him off, taking a few steps away.
Willow was quick to accompany me. Her stare followed mine, and she tilted her head. “Well, of
course that’s Greyson, but I’m not certain who the other two are. Hmm…” She tapped her fingers
against her lips. “I can do some research and—”
“Shay,” I muttered, making her pause. “And her cousin Eleanor.”
“Shay,” Willow repeated. She arched an eyebrow. “You mean, like, Shay Shay. Like…the Shay?”
I nodded once, and that was enough information for Willow to know she was free to leave my
side. I’d talked about my first love to Willow a few times throughout the years of her working for me,
and she always called Shay my real-life Juliet, which was accurate. I was just never going to be her
Romeo.
I noticed Shay the moment she walked into the room. She was laughing freely with Eleanor and
Greyson, and when she tossed back the shots of whiskey, her whole body shivered in pleasure. That
body…
Christ, that body.
She wore a silk black dress that fit her like a glove, highlighting every curve. Her ass looked
amazing, as always, and the crimson color on her lips made my mind go crazy.
Without thought, I found myself floating in their direction. My fucking feet moved without my
brain’s permission, and I hadn’t figured out what I was going to say to her. Did I bring up the
awkward situation of me showing up to her place the other night? Did I keep it light? Did I pull her to
the side to talk about our past? About me leaving and never coming back? Did she even care
anymore? Christ. Too many thoughts in my head, not enough time to sort them out.
There was no guy on her arm, which made me feel that much more comfortable with my approach.
“Oh my gosh, Greyson! Those are amazing!” Shay beamed about my friend’s newest whiskeys.
Her hips rocked back and forth as the smooth liquor glided down her throat.
Damn, those hips definitely didn’t lie.
“Which is your favorite?” I blurted out, like a damn fool. I kept my eyes on Shay, not even
bothering to look at the other two, and her stare was locked with mine.
Eleanor leaned toward her cousin and whispered something or another. Shay was quick to shut
her slightly agape mouth.
I smoothed my hands over my suit. “Eleanor, it’s good to see you again. Shay, long time no see,” I
murmured. If you don’t count my stalking moment a few days ago. “You look as beautiful as I
remember.” That was the truest thing I’d ever said in my life. Shay had gone from a beautiful girl to a
breathtaking woman.
Her cheeks flushed with color. “Whatever, Landon. You look fine,” she said, waving her hand in a
slight dismissal.
I tried to push down the urgent need to pull her in for a hug, because what the fuck? Hugging her
wasn’t something that would’ve made sense. Even though my body wouldn’t have hated the idea of
being pressed against hers. I missed her hugs. Instead, I stood tall. “I see you still have that fiery
personality.”
“And I see you still haven’t grown into your ears,” she shot back, this time with a slight smile.
Her smiles, too.
I missed her hugs and smile.
I stood there, uncertain what to say after all these years, because all I truly felt was
uncomfortable.
So fucking uncomfortable and awkward.
Greyson and Eleanor must’ve caught on with the awkwardness of the whole situation, because the
two of them were quick to excuse themselves. When a waiter walked past with a tray of shot samples,
Shay and I both reached for them, and tossed it back.
Smooth as sin.
I stuffed my hands into my slacks and smiled like a goddamn fool. “You really think I haven’t
grown into my ears? People magazine voted me as Sexiest Ears Alive last year.” I tried to ease the
tension, but leave it to me to make it even more odd.
She didn’t laugh, but she smiled sweetly. Damn, it had been so long since I heard her laugh. I
couldn’t help but wonder what it sounded like.
I cleared my throat. “I was hoping we’d be able to talk before tonight gets wilder.”
“Talk? Talk about what?”
Everything under the goddamn moon.
“Well, first and foremost, I wanted to apologize for dropping by your place the other night.
Greyson mentioned you were coming to the party, and I said I’d love to talk to you beforehand. Raine
gave me your address, too. I didn’t think it through, and I’m sorry for that.”
“It was a bit of a surprise, but no worries. Sorry I turned you away so fast. It was a weird night.”
“No, I get it. That night, I was honestly just hoping to talk about us.”
“Us?”
I rolled my shoulders back and stood taller. “I know this is probably awkward, but I wanted to
make sure we were good.”
She cocked an eyebrow, baffled by my words.
I’d try again.
“When Grey told me you were coming tonight, I wanted to make sure you and I were okay. I—err
—I know we didn’t end on the best terms”—she huffed loudly at my words, but I continued—“but I
wanted to make sure we were okay being in the same room together.”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay with being in the same room as you? We’re both adults now, Landon.
We don’t need to be the extremely angst-filled children that we were for so long.” She smiled and it
felt genuine.
I lowered my brow. “Right. Of course. I just wanted to…”
Talk to you. I wanted to see you and talk to you and be near you after all those years of not,
because being with you was the last time I felt like I was at home.
Shit.
I was insane.
I blinked. “Okay, well. Good. I’m glad we can be on good terms.”
 “Of course. No harm no foul.” She said it so nonchalantly as if we hadn’t had such a heavy history
with one another. “It’s clear that Eleanor and Grey are growing pretty close, so we’ll probably be in
the same vicinity from time to time. So, perhaps it’s best we go back to the way we were.”
Her words lit a fire in my heart. The way we were when we were in love…the way we were
when we used to hold one another through the darkness. It might’ve taken some time to build up to
what we were, but I’d do the work. I’d show her that I wasn’t the same boy I used to be all those
years before. I’d prove to her that I was better. I did the work to get right with my mind, and I knew
deep down inside I could be the man she always wanted. The man she deserved. I wasn’t that same
broken boy of my past. Sure, I still had scars, but the cuts weren’t as deep.
“Yes,” I greedily said. “I’d like that a lot.”
“You know…” She shrugged. “Like we were before we ever made that silly bet in high school.
Just sarcastic and light. Nothing more, nothing less.”
If that wasn’t a knife through my fucking chest.
I fidgeted with my hands, unsure what to do with them. “Right. Yes. Of course. Sarcastic and light.
I like that.”
“Yes,” she agreed. “Me too. Easy.”
“So…” I lowered my brows to study her. “We’re cool?”
She smiled so bright I swore my mind tried to take snapshots of her face so I could remember her
forever. “Cooler than a cucumber.”
“Cooler than the flip side of a pillow,” I added in. What? Shut the hell up, Landon. You’re being
awkward.
“Yeah, something like that.”
Before I could say anything else, Willow showed up, tapped me on the shoulder, and leaned in
toward me. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but you’re supposed to do a welcome toast in five minutes. They
are asking for you up front.”
Shay’s eyes danced over Willow, and then she looked at me. She tensed up and took a few steps
backward. She frowned as she looked Willow’s way, and a knot formed in my gut as I realized what
it probably looked like.
“Shay—” I started.
“We’ll catch up later. Go ahead.” She gave me a tiny smile. “Go be Mr. Hollywood.”
She walked away before I could reply. I knew I’d have to get a chance to find her to talk more
later on. I couldn’t be in the same room after all these years and not want to be near her. I wanted to
greedily take up as much of her time and energy as possible, because I missed her. I missed her, and
her smile, and her laugh, and her heartbeats.
Fuck. This was harder than I thought it’d be.
I knew she wanted to keep things light and airy, but I wanted to have a chance to talk on a deeper
level. To take some time to remember the two people we used to be.
But first, I had to be Landon Pace, because the people were waiting. As always, no matter how
much I dreaded it somedays, the show had to go on.
At least I could rest a little easier, because Shay and I were as cool as a cucumber.
 16

Landon

I’ D BEEN TRYING to get near Shay so we could talk on a deeper level, but we’d always be intermixed
with groups of people. Plus, it almost seemed as if she’d go out of her way to avoid looking at me.
We could be interacting with the same individuals, but she never looked my way. On top of that,
whenever I’d say anything, she’d laugh with the crowd, and perhaps I was going crazy, but I swore
she’d turn away and roll her eyes at every single thing that I said. I kid you not, at one point I thought I
saw her make a gagging gesture.
A little while later, when I was able to track her down, I found her sneaking into a closed-off
room with a security guard standing outside. She flashed him a pass that Greyson had given her and
went inside.
I followed her toward the back room with my VIP pass in my pocket and showed it to the security
guard. “Do you think you can make sure no one comes in here for a bit?” I asked, wanting to have a
chance to have a real heart-to-heart with Shay for the first time.
The security guard cheesed ear to ear. “Hell yeah, she’s hot.”
“No, it’s not like that. I just want to talk to her in private.”
“Right.” He gave me a wink-wink and nudge-nudge. “Of course, Mr. Pace. Whatever you need.”
I thanked him, and he closed the door behind me as I walked inside.
“Hey,” I said, clearing my throat.
Shay’s back was to me, and she jumped a bit out of fright when I spoke. She turned to look at me,
and for a split second I swore she frowned before turning her lips up into an easy smile.
“Hello,” she replied. “Following me?”
“A little.”
I stuffed my hands into my pockets and nodded. “So, earlier you said we were good, right?”
“Yup, yup! All is well.”
“I get the feeling that you don’t mean that.”
She released a dry chuckle and moved to the table with the bottles of whiskey, where she poured
herself a glass, tossing in two ice cubes before chugging it. “Why wouldn’t I mean it? We’re good,
Landon. We’re great.”
 The way she said the world great with such emphasis made it clear as day that we weren’t great
at all. “Then why have you been rolling your eyes at me all night?”
“You’re delusional. I haven’t been rolling my eyes at you all night.”
“Yes, you have. Even Greyson noticed it.”
She shook her head. “I hate to break it to you, but you’re wrong. It’s all in your head, and I’m sure
you just put those thoughts in Greyson’s too. I told you, we’re good.”
“Yes, right. Cool as a cucumber, right?”
“Exactly,” she said, turning away from me slightly and giving the biggest eyeroll yet.
“See! That! Right there! Shay what the fuck is that?!”
“Oh my gosh, Landon.” She groaned. “Let it go.”
“I can’t, Shay. I can’t, because it’s clear that you’re irritated by me right now.”
She sighed and placed her glass down on the table. She tossed her hands in the air. “Okay, Landon
what do you want? Obviously, you’re not okay with us keeping it simple, so what do you want from
me? You want me to cry like a pathetic little girl, because you broke my heart all those years ago?
You want me to fall apart and grovel at your expensive shoes and beg for you to love me again?” she
barked, all the coolest of her cucumber completely gone. “Well, too bad, because I left you in my
past, and I’m happy now, okay? I’m happy.”
My brows lowered. “I’m glad you’re happy, Shay.”
“No, you’re not,” she countered. Her brown eyes looked up to my blues, and she shook her head.
“I bet you were hoping I wouldn’t be happy,” she murmured, her eyes glassy. I wasn’t sure if the
glassiness came from the whiskey or from her emotions. Either way, there was nothing sarcastic and
light about the situation in front of me.
“I would never want you to be unhappy, Shay.”
“Then why did you leave?” she snapped. The words came out so raw I almost thought I’d
imagined them, but the pained expression in her eyes told me I’d heard her correctly. I parted my lips
to reply, but she shook her head. “Don’t answer that. I didn’t mean that. I don’t want to know.”
“I can, Shay. I can try to explain, at least.”
“No. I refuse to be how we were before, dramatic and heavy. Nothing heavy.”
I took a few steps toward her. “We can be heavy for a minute. There’s a lot of history between
us.”
“Yes, exactly. History—past tense. Besides, I’m over it. I’m over you. Everything’s fine.”
I frowned, finally seeing the reactions coming from her that I thought would appear. I slid my
hands into my pockets and took a step forward. The closer I grew to her, the more tense she became.
“Dammit, Landon, will you stop walking toward me?”
“I can’t help it, Shay. I just want to be near you after not for so long.”
“And whose fault was that?”
“Mine,” I admitted. “Everything that went wrong with us was because of me, and I want to make
up for that.”
“Stop saying that kind of crap,” she ordered. “You can’t just show up and start saying that kind of
stuff, because you’ll make me say something, too.”
“Like what?” I asked. I needed to know. I needed to know what was on her mind, and where her
thoughts for me were residing. “What would you say?”
She had to be feeling it. She had to be feeling the strong connection between us, the magnetic pull
that we’d always had whenever we were near one another. Never in my life had I felt a link as strong
as the one I’d had with Shay.
 The words that left her mouth weren’t what I was expecting to hear. I didn’t know what I was
looking for, or more so hoping for, but what she gave me felt like a knife through the heart.
“I hate you, Landon.”
 17

Shay

WHAT . A. Freaking. Jerk.

What nerve Landon had walking up to me, looking all dapper, rich, and famous, like he hadn’t
stomped on my heart and left me to die all those years ago. What nerve he had to keep following me
that night, to keep trying to reconnect with me after all those years had passed.
I’d imagined what it would be like running into Landon a million times in the past. I’d played out
scenarios of how I’d react. I’d gone through every version of it, too. There were three top set-ups I’d
settled on the most.

1. Instant love. I see him, forgive him for everything he did and ignore the fact that he
disappeared, broke my heart, and left me for Sarah freaking Sims.
2. Unleash the rage of a million demons. I snap like a childish psychopath and definitely don’t
act my age or display any form of class.
3. Be like Michelle Obama. When he goes low, I go high. I appear above it all. I smile, I nod, I
agree, and I let him know we are civil and fine. Fiiine. I comment on how we were so young
when we were dating, we moved on, and I wish him well.

Let’s be honest, I didn’t wish him well.

There was a good period of time when I wished him massive diarrhea during a red carpet event. I
wished he’d trip on the steps before accepting his many Oscars. I wished he’d go bald at thirty. There
were many things I wished for Landon, but I definitely didn’t wish him well.
Between the three choices, number three was the most grown-up version. Also, I thought that
version didn’t provoke any emotions good or bad from me, which made it appear as if he had no
effect on me whatsoever. That was exactly what I wanted, too. I wanted him to think I felt nothing
good or bad. I kept it classy. Meghan Markle would’ve been so proud of me.
But then, I started drinking, and the alcohol made my emotions skyrocket to a new height, giving
me more rage than stillness.
“I hate you,” I repeated as he stood in front of me.
 Four words left my lips, leaving me standing there with a very stunned Landon.
His face dropped, and my stomach rolled as I repeated the words. “I hate you so much it makes
me want to scream. I hate how you just showed up at my place after all this time, with no rhyme and
no reason. I hate that you walked in as if we could just be the people we were before and fall back
into some normal conversation. And mostly I hate you because it was the only way I was able to stop
the aching in my chest from the pain you caused me.”
“Shay—”
“Don’t.” I shook my head, feeling the whiskey coursing through my system. “Don’t do that. Don’t
say my name like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like it still belongs on your tongue. I worked hard to get over you, Landon. I worked hard to get
over the hurt you caused me, the heartache you created. So, excuse me if I don’t feel as if we can have
anything more than friendly conversation. Excuse me if I was trying really hard to keep things casual
with sarcasm and lightness, but I’m drunk now, and emotional, and I can’t really be near you like this,
because my mind doesn’t know how to be drunk and near you. My mind is betraying me and making
me think I want to talk to you, get some answers… hold you, hug you, ask how you’ve been, and I
can’t do that. I can’t open that door, because I hate you. I have to hate you, Landon,” I said, my voice
low and shaky.
“Why?”
“Because if I don’t, you’ll be able to break me all over again.”
“Shay,” he pleaded, moving in closer. I kept backing up until I bumped into a wall, and he boxed
me in. The heat of his body pooled around mine, and I tried to ignore the thumping of my heart
pounding against my chest.
There it was—the fireworks, the angst, the indescribable feeling Landon always unleashed in me.
The yin and yang emotions he’d been able to build up inside of me confused me so much. I wanted to
push him away while pulling him in closer. I wanted to slap him and let my fingers linger against his
skin. I wanted to kiss him. Gosh, I wanted to kiss his full lips that were only inches away from me,
breathing their hot breaths against me, his Cupid’s bow so perfectly shaped, so perfectly full, so
perfectly…
No.
“Hear me out, Shay. I’m not that same boy I was when I left you all those years ago. I’ve done a
lot of work on myself. I’ve finally figured out a lot of my mind’s triggers, and I know how to get
around them. I found me, Shay. Fully, completely, I found myself.”
“I know that,” I agreed. “But you never came back. ‘When you find you, come back to me.’
Remember? Or did fame make you forget?”
He lowered his head. “I remember, but if you let me explain.”
“I don’t care,” I lied, because I had to lie. It was the only way I could keep from allowing myself
to completely melt into him. The truth was, I did care. A big part of me loved hearing that he’d figured
it out, that he’d found his way, that he was okay. A bigger part of me craved the answers I’d never
received from him on why he never came back.
But another part was still aching from the way he’d broken me. On his way to self-discovery, he
took a sledgehammer to my heart, and now he stood over me as if he was expecting me to give him my
all.
There was no way I’d do that again.
I wasn’t that same, naïve, full of hope girl that I once was, and I wouldn’t make that same mistake
twice. I’d given him my all once, and he had treated it like trash, something to be tossed out because
someone better came along.
“I’ve changed too, Landon. I’m not that same girl you knew.”
“I know,” he agreed. “I can tell. You’re stronger. Wiser.”
“Your compliments do nothing for me.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true.” He ran a hand over his face and then placed one
hand against the wall on each side of me. “Do you really hate me?” he asked, his voice low and
controlled.
“Yes,” I said. I blinked my eyes shut. “No.” I sighed. “But that doesn’t mean I want to be your
friend.”
“Trust me, I’m not asking you to be my friend, Chick.”
“Then what are you asking?”
“I don’t know,” he confessed as he raked his hands through his hair. “It’s weird being around you
after all this time, and I can’t act sarcastic and light with you. Not after all we’d been through.”
“You don’t even know me anymore, Landon. We were kids back then, who knew nothing about
life. You don’t know a damn thing about me, or if I’m something you’d be interested in.”
“I’d like to get to know you again.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“Yes, I would.”
I huffed, growing annoyed by his words. So, what? He got to pick and choose when he came back
into my life? Now I’d managed to fit into his schedule?
The whiskey swirled inside me, and my heart was trying its hardest to escape my chest because it
didn’t want to feel so much. I’d worked hard at shutting off my emotions a long time ago when it came
to men. Leave it to Landon to walk in and effortlessly flip that switch.
He moved in closer and my hands landed against his chest and lightly shoved him. “Screw you,
Landon.”
“There it is. Now we’re getting to the real emotions,” he said, stepping in again. “Tell me what
you’re feeling, Shay.”
I shoved him again. “Screw you for right now.” Shove. “Screw you for the years of silence.”
Shove. “And screw you for making it impossible for me to trust again.” I kept listing off all the
emotions shooting through me as I shoved him over and over again. Tears burning at the back of my
eyes as I lay my hands against his chest.
Shove. Shove. Shove. Pull.
Pull?
I pulled him closer. I pulled at his suit, bringing him in toward my chest. I pulled him inches away
from me. Centimeters. Millimeters. The air in the space between us became harder to breath as he
stared down at me with such intent in his eyes. I should’ve shoved him again. I should’ve pushed him
away. And yet instead, I yanked his expensive tie toward me and pulled him into the deepest kiss of
my life. I kissed him with my love and then with my hatred. My hands wrapped around his neck as he
placed his hands behind my back, kissing me as if he was relying on my lips for his next breath of
oxygen. His hands fell beneath my ass, and he lifted me into the air as I wrapped my legs around his
waist. He pressed me against the wall, his hardness pushing against the fabric of my dress. I dropped
a hand down and hiked the dress up my thighs, allowing him to thrust his hips forward, showing me
his want, his need, everything I’d been missing over the years.
“Shay,” he growled against my lips.
 “Don’t talk,” I ordered as my hands moved to his belt buckle, scrambling to get it undone before I
came back to Earth and realized the massive mistake I was partaking in. I’d regret this in the morning
when the whiskey faded and reality set in, but in the heat of the moment, feeling him pressed up
against my thigh, feeling his throbbing need, wanting to remember what it felt like having him so deep
inside me, I gave in.
Whiskey and memories won that night, as I ordered for my once hero turned villain to take me
right then and there.
A pool of heat filled my stomach as his hands wrapped around my thong and he ripped it off. His
eyes were dilated and his touches were controlled as I slid his pants down to his ankles. He locked
eyes with me and waited for a second as his hardness rubbed against my core, almost if asking
permission to enter.
I nodded once, and in he came, pushing himself so deep inside me, I almost cried out from the
unbelievable pleasure. Landon slid in and out of me repeatedly, bringing me to the edge repeatedly.
“Oh my gosh,” I whispered, laying my head on his shoulder and moaning into him to muffle the
sound. “Yes, yes, please, Landon. Harder…please…fuck me like you mean it,” I begged.
“Damn, Shay,” he growled, rocking his hardness in even more. “You can’t say that kind of thing
unless you want me to come.”
I looked into his eyes, leaned in, and bit his bottom lip. “I said fuck me like you mean it.”
That was when I saw the flash of madness unleash from him, and he began pounding into me,
wild, untamed, and unleashed.
And it felt so good.
So freaking good I couldn’t hold in my orgasm much longer. As I released myself against him, he
moaned from me tightening around his cock. “Shay, I’m going to…” His words faltered as his thrusts
intensified, pounding more and more, and then he let go, giving me all of him the same way I’d given
him myself.
Once we finished, he slid out of me and lowered me to the ground. A chill filled the room, and all
the heat that had been there moments ago faded away.
I pulled down my dress and came back to reality.
He parted his lips but no words came out, and that was absolutely perfect.
There wasn’t anything left to say. At least in my mind there wasn’t.
“I should go,” I said, gathering my things and trying to tame the wildness of my hair and my heart.
My heart that I didn’t know still knew how to beat.
My heart that was stupidity beating for him.
Stop it, heart.
Turn back off.
“Wait, we should talk,” he said.
“I think we’ve done enough already.”
I headed toward the door, and he reluctantly followed after me.
As we walked out of the room, the security guy guarding the room looked both Landon and me up
and down with a devilish smirk on his face. He proceeded to hold his hand up to Landon with his
chest puffed out with pride.
“Hell yeah! I knew you’d nail it down. She’s hot, man,” he exclaimed to Landon, as if Landon had
done some kind of good deed for the Dicks Across America movement by getting in my pants.
My chest tightened a bit at the whole interaction. Was that the whole reason he walked into that
room with me? To get laid? For an old time bang? To see if his past tasted as good as his present
days? Did he mention it to that security guy before entering the room? Was I just a game to him? Did I
give him exactly what he came for?
A fury of anger settled in my gut.
Landon didn’t high-five the guy, but he kept following me. “Shay, wait, we should talk,” he called
out.
I tried to push back the emotions building up inside me, because I felt like crying, and I wouldn’t
cry over something as stupid as sleeping with Landon. Even though during the sex, it felt like the
greatest memory of us—of who we used to be. It felt as if we were meant to be together, as if our
bodies moved as one and he understood exactly what it took to take me to that next level. It felt like I
was his, and he was mine again.
If only for a few moments in time.
But none of that was true. I wasn’t his, and he wasn’t mine. I was just another lay for him.
“I think words aren’t really needed,” I replied, shaking my head. “I hope it was a good lay for
you. Way to nail it down,” I mocked.
He reached for my arm and spun me around to face him. He moved in closely, breathing heavily.
For a second, I saw pain in his expression. Those beautiful blue eyes that I once loved so much
pierced straight into me. “You know it’s not like that.”
“I know nothing about what it’s like with you, Landon. I don’t know you. Let me go.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” I spat his way, my anger and embarrassment building more and more each passing
second. “It seemed so easy for you to do before.”
Those words stung him as he dropped my hand and stumbled back a few steps. Good. It was about
time he felt a sliver of what he left me feeling all those years before.
“I never meant to hurt you,” he whispered, his voice cracking on the word ‘you.’
“Just because you don’t mean to hurt someone doesn’t erase the fact that you did. Just keep your
distance, Landon. You’ve done it for so long. Let’s not break that trend.”
“Shay—”
Before he could finish, two supermodel women walked over to us and were smiling ear to ear
with their pearly whites and long, tan legs in shoes that were probably too expensive for me to even
look at.
“Landon, hey! It’s been so long. We should go grab a drink at the bar,” one of the women said.
“Yeah, and then maybe we can find an after party to crash,” the other replied, twirling her hair
around her finger, looking at Landon as if she was going to eat him all up.
He’d already had his next two courses laid out in front of him. Dinner and dessert. I was simply
the appetizer, unworthy of being his main course meal.
I was going to vomit.
They stepped in front of me as if I were invisible, and that was exactly what I began to feel.
Invisible.
I felt so insanely invisible.
“Sorry, ladies, right now isn’t a good time. I was actually having a conversation with—”
“No one,” I cut in. I gave the two women a smile, and they eyed me up and down with dismissal
looks. “He’s all yours, ladies.”
I walked off, feeling as if I’d just been slammed into a wall with a semi-truck. My body ached not
only from the soreness of how Landon rocked my body, but also from the pain of how he rocked my
soul.
 He wasn’t supposed to be able to do that anymore. I’d spent the past years trying to delete every
part of him from my entire being. But it turned out first loves were unable to fully erase from a
person’s psyche. A part of Landon would always live in my heart. From his kiss alone, he unlocked
that corner of my heartbeats, and then proceeded to break it all over again.
I stopped drinking for the remainder of the night, and, regrettably, Landon stayed on my mind.
 18

Shay

THE WORST PART of sleeping with your ex-boyfriend who was a celebrity? You couldn’t just wallow
in self-pity for your bad mistake. You were forced to see him everywhere you went. On billboards, in
movie trailers, in the check-out line at the grocery store. The check-out line was the worst place to
see him, too. Because on those magazine covers, Landon was never alone. There was always some
drop-dead model or actress attached to his arm. He always looked dapper as ever, smiling ear to ear.
“Wait, so you slept with him?” Raine asked, completely baffled by the story I’d just told her about
my interaction with Landon as I pushed the grocery cart through the store. Raine rubbed her hands
over her ever-growing stomach and stared wide-eyed at the reveal of my time at the whiskey party.
I’d been helping her go grocery shopping for the past few weeks, seeing how she was eight
months pregnant, and ready to pop any day. She couldn’t reach the lower shelves, and struggled to
pick up some items, so I went along. Hank traveled a lot for work, so he hadn’t been around the past
few weeks. Hank told her that they could have the groceries delivered, but Raine was against that
idea. “I refuse to be bedridden and get fat. I need to get out. But Shay, come with me so you can
get the pickle jars for me.”
“Yes. I accidentally had sex with him.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Accidentally? How is that even a thing? Did you accidentally take off
your underwear and accidentally sit on his penis?”
“He actually ripped my underwear off.” I frowned. “They were my favorite pair, too.”
“If I were you, I’d bill him for the pair. And overcharge him, too. He has the money to cover it.
But really, Shay. How?”
“Well, he bombarded me and began going on and on about things of the past. And I don’t know, I
just snapped. I went off telling him how I hated him and shoved him repeatedly as I felt so much rage
in my chest, and the next thing I knew, I was kissing him aggressively and taking off his clothes.”
“Ohh,” she breathed out. “Hate sex. That’s hot.”
“That’s not hot. It was so humiliating afterward. The security guard outside went to high-five
Landon, as if it was something he did on the normal. I felt ridiculous.”
“Well, you shouldn’t. Plus, I know how those women come on to Landon. They probably cornered
him.”
“When did you get on his side?” I asked, somewhat still hurting from the events of the whiskey
party.
She held her hands up. “Nope. Switzerland here. I’m just saying, I’ve watched how those models
attacked him throughout the years.”
“Oh yes. Poor Landon, the man who has supermodels hammering all over him. Boo-freaking-
hoo.”
“I’m sorry, Shay. I know it’s not easy. Even though you two happened so long ago, it doesn’t
change the fact that what you had was real. I really thought the two of you were destined for forever.”
I hated that I believed that, too. That Landon was my endgame. My happily ever after. My forever.
What a stupid girl I had been back then.
“It’s okay,” I lied. “I’m okay.”
I’m fiiine.
“Not to be nosy, but I’m going to be nosy…how was it?”
“The sex?” I asked, thinking back to the wild exchange. I still received chills thinking about the
way Landon owned my body in that room a few nights ago. The way his kisses tasted like sin and
burned more than the whiskey. The way he slid in and out of me, thrusting his hardness against my
core, fucking me as if he’d been waiting to show me how much I’d been on his mind all those years
we’d missed. He fucked me as if apologizing for the scars he left me with. Just recalling the night was
almost enough to get me hot and bothered all over again. It was the best sex that I’d ever had, and I
hated that fact. I hated that I’d never been so turned on in my life. I hated that he took me to new
heights that I didn’t even know sex could travel to. I hated how much I loved the way he made me
feel.
I hated that I wanted to feel him inside me again. The other night in bed, I’d awakened hot and
bothered, and I knew it was because Landon had slid into my dreams. I ended up pulling out my
vibrator, and using it in the middle of the night, stupidly thinking about him as I got myself off.
Afterward, I felt dirty, ashamed, and really good, too.
What was wrong with me?
I cleared my throat. “It was fine.”
Raine’s mouth dropped open. “That good, huh?”
I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face. “The best I’d ever had.”
“Gah, that’s insane. I always imagined what hate sex had to be like. Passionate, powerful, intense.
I remember I tried to get Hank to be pissed at me once, just so we could experience hate sex, but he
wasn’t having any part of it. He just loves to screw me while telling me how perfect I am. It’s really
annoying.”
I smiled. “Yes, it must be awful being worshipped like a goddess,” I mocked.
“So annoying,” she joked. Then, she brought the topic back to Landon, of course. “Doesn’t he look
good, though?”
“He looks like a troll.”
“Liar,” she said, rubbing her lower back with one hand as she reached for a box of Oreo’s cereal.
Yes—Oreo’s had cereal, and recently Raine was going through a box once every three days. “He
looks good. Healthy. Each time I see him, he looks better than the last. Like a fine wine.”
“Like a stupid two-thousand-and-ten bottle of Barolo Monfortino Riserva Conterno,” I grumbled.
Raine arched an eyebrow at me. I shook my head. “Never mind.”
But it was true. Landon was made like a god.
 “Well, lucky for you, you’re hot and amazing, so I’m sure he’s kicking himself in the ass for letting
you slip away. You’re the one that got away for him,” she told me as we walked toward the check-out
lane. “I just know it. Losing you is his biggest regret.”
“Has he ever said that to you?”
“He didn’t have to say it. I could see it in his eyes when he asked about you.”
I tried to push that thought away and not let it settle. That was when I saw the magazines. Landon’s
face was plastered all over them with him posing with different women from the whiskey party a few
days ago. He was smiling, and dancing, and taking shots. They called him the playboy of the century
—stating how Landon was a serial dater who made Leonardo DiCaprio look like a down-to-earth
family man. The pictures on the cover from the party showcased him with dozens of different women.
It was as if he was living a freaking Mambo Number 5 song. He’d found Angelina, Pamela, Sandra,
and Rita, and as he continued, the girls were getting prettier.
I picked up one of the magazines, and began flipping through it, a bit terrified I would’ve caught a
photograph of me beside Landon, too. The more I flipped, the more my stomach dropped.
Nothing.
Not one photograph of me with Landon was captured, almost as if I’d never existed. That corner
of my heart that still belonged to him? It felt foolish and ashamed that I had the nerve to even let
Landon in for the small amount of time that we had.
All those freaking girls.
I wasn’t bitter about it at all.
Nope. Not even a little.
Okay. Fine. Just call me dark roast, baby, because bitterness was officially my first, middle, and
last name.
Raine took notice of me eyeing the rest of the magazines. She moved in and turned them all
backward in the stands. “These things are trash,” she muttered, making me smile. It was probably a
sad looking smile, though.
“Super trash.”
“Are you okay, Shay?” she asked, frowning. It must’ve been clear that I was shaken up from
seeing those magazines.
I nodded. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m just happy there wasn’t any photographic proof of my night with
Landon. Now I can go on pretending it never happened.”
Unfortunately, I was simply one of the many women in Landon’s life who had been played
—again.
When I got home that afternoon, I tried to keep myself busy, even though my mind was looking for
a million reasons to think about Landon. I avoided social media for the past forty-eight hours to avoid
seeing Landon’s face plastered all over the internet with photographs from the party.
Temptation was the devil. There were so many times in the past forty-eight hours that I wanted to
type his name into a Google search, just to read the most recent articles about him.
But I wouldn’t, because that would be opening myself up for more pain and hurt.
I didn’t have time to hurt over that man, I did enough of that in my past.
I busied myself with writing. Creating fictional worlds was my favorite thing in the world to do
when my reality felt too heavy. I loved writing love stories, because it took me away from the fact that
I didn’t believe in true love anymore. At least in my stories, true love was a real thing. And in those
stories? True love always won.
 19

Landon

“I NEED A BREAK, Joey. A sabbatical or something from all of this world,” I told my manager as I
paced my penthouse. A few days had passed, and I was supposed to be back in New York, but I
hadn’t made the jump to leave Chicago yet.
I’d been overthinking everything that went down with Shay, and I had to find a way to apologize
to her for our last interaction. I wanted to talk to her to try to get on the same page, and to tell her how
never in a million years did I want her to feel as if she were just another woman I was looking to
bang. I saw it in her eyes the minute those two women walked up to us. I knew she thought she was
nothing but a side piece.
When in reality, she was everything and more.
I couldn’t stop overanalyzing every second I’d spent with Shay that day. My mind kept replaying
the ways I’d screwed up. I shouldn’t have slept with her. Did I want to? Absolutely. Was it a mistake?
Guaranteed.
Not because it wasn’t good—because it was. It was better than good. The last time I’d felt
something so passionate, raw, and real was when I was with her.
It was no surprise the sex was unbelievable, but truthfully it ended up doing more damage than
good. I hurt her. I fucking hurt her again, and I was a damn asshole for doing so.
Dr. Smith would’ve told me to stop thinking about what happened and focus on what came next.
The problem was, I didn’t know what came next when it came to Shay.
After seeing all the tabloids that made me look a little too close with certain women at the
whiskey party, I was sure Shay wanted nothing to do with me ever again. It blew my mind how those
magazines could take a perfectly innocent situation and make it appear as if some kind of scandal was
happening. How did those people sleep at night?
Probably on their silk sheets with a smile on their faces.
“What do you mean a sabbatical? We don’t have time for a vacation.”
“I didn’t say I wanted a vacation. I said I needed one.” A key to working on my mental health was
realizing my triggers. I’d become pretty good at realizing when my thoughts were beginning to run
away from me. Dr. Smith taught me that if I learned to catch those thoughts early on, then it made it
easier to slow them down. If I caught them too late it were as if I was running at full speed ahead, and
by the time I came to the realization that I was falling apart, it’d be too late and I’d crash.
Joey narrowed his eyes and leaned back against my kitchen island. “Your mind going wonky
again?”
“I feel out of sorts. I’ve been going nonstop for a while now, and I don’t want to burn out. If I keep
at this pace, burning out is the only option. Which will lead to an even bigger, and scarier break.”
He frowned as he ran his hand over his face. “It’s that bad, huh?”
I nodded. “Heading in that direction. It’s been a while since I’ve done something good for my
soul.”
“You just won an Oscar! If that’s not good for your soul, I don’t know what is.”
“No, I mean giving back. Helping in communities. I want to go to a few underprivileged areas and
really dig in on helping with the topic of mental health.”
I’d been telling Joey this for years now, and he always rolled it off his back, thinking I was just
being dramatic. “Just write a hefty check to some organization, and get back to work,” he’d always
tell me. “They need your money, not your appearance.”
But that didn’t seem like enough for me.
I was one of the lucky bastards who had enough money to get me the best care in the world. There
were so many people who didn’t have that same privilege—especially the youth. I wanted to look
them in the eye and tell them my story. I wanted to remind them that just because they struggled, they
weren’t alone. I wanted to create an open dialogue around mental health and give back both with
money and my time.
Joey had an issue with that idea, because in his mind time was money and if something wasn’t
bringing us money, then we didn’t have time for it.
“We don’t have time for that right now, Landon. It’s your primetime!”
“It’s been my primetime for the past ten years.”
“Exactly, which is why you shouldn’t let your mind slip. Think of everything you have. You have
everything that everyone ever dreamed of. You’re fucking rich, you’re talented, and you could have
any girl you’d ever wanted.”
Not any girl—that was a fact.
He continued. “I just don’t get what you have to be sad about. You’re Landon Pace, baby!”
“Harrison,” I corrected. “Landon Pace is a made-up persona. That’s not who I am.”
“Yes, but that’s who made you something.”
I grimaced at his words. As if my acting career was what made me matter, other than the fact that I
was a living, breathing human. I didn’t argue with him, because I was tired and I knew Joey wouldn’t
see things from my point of view. He believed that money brought happiness and couldn’t for the life
of himself understand what the hell I had to be sad about.
He must’ve picked up on the energy of the room and he gave me a halfway grin. “Listen, how
about this. Take the month off. We’ll do that, then film Ether here in Chicago, and then I’ll work it in
for you to get some more time off.”
“I’ll need six months to get started with what I want to do,” I told him, and I swore he cringed as
if he’d been told someone was going to cut off his big toe.
“We can work on the amount of time when we get there. Until then, take the month to get your head
in check. I’ll handle everything else coming up. You just worry about keeping yourself together.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks, Joey.”
“Anything for my star. It looks like the whiskey party was a success. You posed with all the right
girls.”
“I posed with every girl.” Except the one I wanted.
“I know. Which is right. Sex appeal sells. That’s why your career took off from the jump—
remember the Calvin Klein ad?”
How could I forget the Calvin Klein ad?
“I’ve sold enough sex appeal over the years. Now, we should think about letting the movies speak
for themselves.”
He must’ve picked up on the context clues that I wasn’t interested in more talk about work or the
narrative I was supposed to push at gatherings. The mysterious playboy who never settled down,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. “I’ll get out of your hair, but if you need anything,
hit me up. Night, Landon.”
“Night.”
He let himself out, and I was left alone again with my dog.
It felt as if I was finally able to breathe, now that there weren’t people expecting anything from
me. I used to hate being alone, but the longer I lived in the celebrity world, the more I craved my
solitude.
In the past, being alone meant living with my heavy thoughts, and sometimes that was still true.
Depression wasn’t something that went away with fame, success, and money. It still lived within me,
and I was still fighting the battle daily to not slip too far away from the truths of who I really was.
Dr. Smith had me do breathing exercises on the regular, and she was the reason I got into yoga
many years back. Little things like that helped my troubled mind learn how to slow down a little. It
didn’t always work, and sometimes I still stumbled and would spend nights awake, unable to curve
the anxiety in my chest. But I was better than before, because I refused to give up on myself ever
again.
That night, I performed my breathing exercises and thought about my three good things.

1. A month off.
2. Shay
3. Shay

I knew I wasn’t supposed to name the same thing twice, but I couldn’t help it. For the first time in
a long time, I felt as if someone saw me for who I really was—not some celebrity god or bullshit like
that. She saw the real me, and even though she didn’t really appreciate what she was presented, it felt
nice to be seen. If I saw her again, which somehow, I’d planned to do during my down time, I’d show
her more of me, and hope that someday she’d let me back in. Because even after all these years, being
around her still felt like home. A messed-up home in need of many repairs, but still—home.

“S O , WHAT IS YOUR PLAN ?” Dr. Smith asked me over our FaceTime. “Where do you go from here now
that you and Shay reconnected?”
We’d been talking for the past hour about the height of my anxiety and working through it.
Unpacking the boxes of my stress one at a time.
 “There’s nothing I can do,” I said. “She hates me.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I could see it in her eyes. She looked beyond hurt after those two women walked up to us.”
“Being hurt by you and hating you aren’t the same thing. Do you think there’s any chance you can
make this right?”
“I have no clue how to, plus with the way the media presented me at the whiskey party, I’m sure
Shay wants nothing to do with me.”
“But that’s not you, Landon. Not the real you, at least. It’s a made-up persona that is based on
fiction. So, perhaps you now have a chance to get a redo with Shay. You said you have a month off,
right? Perhaps now is the time to try to show her who you really are. What you’re all about.”
“She won’t let me in that easy.”
“I never said it would be easy,” Dr. Smith argued. “Nothing of importance ever comes easily, but
it will be worth it. You know why?”
“Enlighten me.”
“Because this is the first time in years, I’ve heard you speak about something with a light in your
eyes. A spark. The last time I saw you have that spark was because of the same girl. Don’t miss out on
a second chance at happiness, Landon. Most people don’t get them, and even if it doesn’t work out, at
least you know you gave it your all.”
“How do I prove to her that I’m not the same messed up kid I used to be?”
“Easy.” She smiled through the phone, then tossed her legs onto her desk. “Show her the man you
are today. Your past doesn’t get to define you forever. You’ve done the work to improve your world.
Now, you get to reap the rewards of your hard work. All you have to do is be brave to go for the
things that scare you the most. The bravest people in the world live with fear—they just let their drive
drown out fear’s sounds.”
“I don’t know how to even connect with her nowadays.”
“Think back. What was your favorite way of communication with Shay when you were younger?”
Dr. Smith asked.
I knew exactly what she was getting at, and even though there was a big chance it wouldn’t work,
I knew I had to try.
After I hung up with Dr. Smith, I pulled out a notebook, sat at the dining room table, and began
speaking to Shay the only way I knew how to—with my truths.
 20

Shay

“HOW DID you get so good at this?” Karla asked as she read over a few of my manuscripts with a
look of awe in her eyes. I wished I could’ve had agents look at my words with such amusement the
same way that fourteen-year-old girl stared at them.
Karla was Greyson’s oldest daughter. She’d been through a lot of emotional and physical trauma
after a massive car crash that took her mother’s life, and left Karla battered and bruised. She walked
with a heavy limp due to the accident, and her face and arms had scars all over. She dressed in all
black and wore her hair over her face to hide a few of the scars, but I was trying my best to convince
her that her scars were beautiful.
We’d met a few weeks ago when Greyson invited me to join the girls and Eleanor for a baseball
game. Karla and I clicked, which seemed like a big deal, because Greyson said his daughter had been
anti-social for a long time running. Ever since the accident, Karla lost a lot of her friends. They
mocked her for her appearance and called her Hunchback—due to her posture.
I remembered high school being cruel when I was there, but I couldn’t have imagined being in
school with today’s technology. The things Karla had told me people had said and sent to her via
social media made my skin crawl.
How did we develop into a world where children had no morals? When did they become so
cruel?
Once Karla learned I was a writer, she asked if I could look over some of her stories. “You don’t
have to, because I’m sure you’re busy, and wouldn’t want to waste your time with my stupid work,”
she said, putting herself down—something I was certain she learned to do from others. “I don’t want
to waste your time.”
I hated how low her self-confidence was, and I wanted to help her build it up as much as
possible, even if it was through her written word.
Plus, I enjoyed her company. She was a good kid with a damaged heart, who just needed to be
told she was enough.
I once knew a broken boy with his own set of scars who’d needed to be told of his worth, too.
What could I say? I had a type.
 I smiled as Karla’s eyes moved back and forth over my manuscript. “I’ll never be this good.”
“No,” I corrected, taking the papers from her grip. “You’ll be better. You’re already better. So,
let’s get back to work on your manuscript. We can plot out some of the major scenes and go from
there.”
She nodded with a frown, almost as if she was afraid to dive deeper into her story. I placed a
comforting hand against hers. “You know you’re good enough, Karla, right? You are a beautiful girl
with beautiful stories living inside of you. You’re allowed to let those stories out.”
She lowered her head. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Do what?”
“Call me beautiful. I know it’s not true, and that you’re trying to be nice, but you don’t have to
lie.”
I placed my finger beneath her chin and rose her stare to lock with mine. “You are beautiful,
Karla. Every single piece of you, and the parts that you think are ugly, are truly the most stunning
parts.”
She huffed. “Tell that to the boys at school.”
“Lucky for us, the boys at school do not get to define what beautiful is. We do.”
She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head toward me, as if she was trying to figure me out. “How
did you get so confident?”
“Easy.” I shrugged. “I stopped saying mean things to myself.”
“I can’t even think of a mean thing you’d ever say to yourself. I mean, look at you. You’re perfect.
If I looked like you, I’d have every guy in the world wanting to look my way.”
Oh, Karla.
To be so young and boy crazy again.
“You don’t need boys to look at you to be worthy.”
“Says the woman who probably has every man looking at her.”
“Just because they look doesn’t mean they will respect you. Trust me. I’ve been burned enough
times by men to know that just because they think you’re beautiful, doesn’t mean they’ll value you.”
Karla snickered, shaking her head. “You’re not going to win this battle, Shay. You’re the prom
queen, and I’m the school freak. That’s just how it is for some people.”
Before I could reply, Karla’s phone went off. I saw the words ‘Uncle Landon’ flash across the
screen before she scrambled to answer it.
My stomach knotted up from seeing his name on her screen. I knew Landon had been close with
Greyson’s two girls, especially after the accident, but seeing the word ‘uncle’ next to his name made
it clear that he was a lot closer to the girls than I’d even known.
“Hi, Uncle Landon. What’s up?” Karla asked, holding the phone against her ear. She turned her
back slightly toward me, but I didn’t miss the small smile that spread across her lips as she spoke to
him. “Yeah, I know.” Her smile deepened. “Yeah, I know.” Then, she laughed.
She laughed! The broken girl with such low self-esteem laughed at the words Landon was giving
her through their call. That made my heart warm up. Even though I had my opinions on Landon, it
made me happy that he was able to make Karla smile and laugh, because I knew she did both things
so sparsely.
“Okay, okay!” Karla laughed, shaking her head. “Fine. I’ll say it, but only because you’re being
annoying about it. I love you, too. There. Happy?”
She kept smiling, and the grin must’ve been infectious, because a smile landed against my lips,
too.
 Karla cocked an eyebrow. “Wait, what?” She stood to her feet. “Really?!”
I stood, too, confused by her sudden movements.
“Okay, yeah. Okay, bye.” Karla hung up the phone, and that smile stayed planted against her lips.
She looked my way and combed her hair over her face. “Um, sorry, Shay. Is it okay if we cut today’s
lesson short? My uncle, Landon, is in town for a lot longer than he thought, and he wanted to take me
out on a date.”
The doorbell rang as her words settled into my mind. She began limping out of her room with her
shoulders rounded forward and her eyes staring at the wooden panels. She always walked with her
eyes glued to the floor as if she was too afraid to look up.
I followed behind her, trying to control my heartbeats that were currently losing their mind inside
my chest.
As Karla opened the front door, she crashed her body into Landon’s who pulled her into the
tightest embrace. He bent down to hold the young girl against him and whispered something into her
ear that made her laugh again.
That laugh.
What a beautiful sound.
As she pulled away from him, he combed her hair behind her ears so he could see her face. The
way he looked at her as if he only saw perfection as opposed to her scars made every piece of
resentment I held for him momentarily melt away.
Then, he spoke the words that sent my soul into a tailspin.
“How’s your heart, Karla?” he said, his voice low and controlled with such tenderness and care.
She shrugged her left shoulder before letting it heavily drop down. “Still beating.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as the familiar saying left his lips. I blinked away the emotion the best
I could before swallowing hard and clearing my throat.
The two looked over to me, and the shock that rocketed through Landon’s eyes from seeing me
made me feel as if I was invading a very private moment. Then, his eyes softened as if he was
pleased to see me there.
I stuffed my hands into my jeans pockets and awkwardly swayed back and forth.
“Oh, Uncle Landon, this is Shay! She’s Eleanor’s cousin, and is teaching me how to be a writer.”
“You’re already a writer.” I smiled to the girl who hadn’t lost her grin since Landon arrived.
“But I want to be great like you,” she commented. She turned back to Landon. “She’s an amazing
screenwriter, Uncle Landon! You should be in one of her movies. She’s the best.”
“I believe it,” he said, his stare still on me. He blinked a few times and parted his lips as if he had
something more to say, but then he turned to Karla. “Maybe you should go get your coat and shoes so
we can head out for the day.”
“Okay,” Karla agreed, starting back off toward her bedroom. “Shay, maybe we can make up for
the stuff we missed today and meet twice next week? If you have time. I don’t want to take up too
much of your time.”
“My time is yours.” I smiled. “I love our time together, Karla. You let me know when you’re free,
and I’ll make it fit into my schedule.”
She thanked me again before heading off to get ready for her date with Landon.
I stood frozen in the foyer as Landon stuffed his hands into his pockets.
“Hey,” he whispered.
“Hello,” I replied, trying to keep myself cool and calm. Cool as a cucumber.
Luckily, I wasn’t drunk off whiskey with this interaction.
 He stepped toward me and raked one of his hands through his messy hair. His hair, along with his
appearance wasn’t as perfect as it was at the whiskey party. He looked like your everyday person—a
really attractive everyday person—but still. He looked more like Landon Harrison and less like his
actor persona.
“I was hoping to talk to you again at the whiskey party, but everything kind of went crazy toward
the end.”
“I know.” I nodded. “I saw the magazines about the events that took place after you and I had
our…situation.”
He grimaced. “That was all smoke and mirrors.”
“And models,” I added. “One must not forget the models.”
“Listen, I’m in town for a bit longer than I thought. Maybe we can meet up for coffee.”
“I don’t like coffee.”
“You used to like coffee.”
“People change.”
“Okay. Maybe tea.”
“It gives me gas.”
He shook his head. “Tea doesn’t give people gas.”
“What are you? The tea police? Mainly what I’m saying is, I don’t want to see you, Landon. The
other night was a one-time thing. A mistake of the highest proportions. We were drunk, and made a
mistake, and now we’re allowed to just leave it in the past.”
“I don’t want to leave it in the past.”
“Yes, well, it isn’t like we are ever going to have a future. So, again. Let’s keep it easy, okay? If
we happen to cross paths again, then we engage on a very simple level. We are adults, now, Landon.
We don’t have to be the angst-filled children that we once were. I know I said some things at that
party that were heavy, but I was honestly wasted. I didn’t mean any of it.”
“Really?” he asked, his brows lowered. “You meant none of it?”
“Not a word.”
“Even the part where you said you hated me?”
I snickered a little and rubbed my hand against my neck. “Of course, I don’t hate you, Landon. I
reserve my hatred for people I actually know.”
A flash of despair past through his eyes as he nodded slowly. “That makes sense. Okay, well.
Maybe we’ll cross paths and can exchange a few easy words.”
“Yes, of course. If we just so happen to cross paths, we’ll do exactly that.”
He blinked a few times as if trying to push away the moment of sadness in his stare. “Sounds
good. And Shay? Thank you for what you’re doing for Karla. She needs someone in her life that
believes in her. Thank you for helping her. You’re good for her.”
“She’s a good kid. She’s just a little broken, but she’ll find her way.”
He gently laughed and brushed his hand against the back of his neck. “We’re all a little broken and
trying to find our way, I suppose.”
I wanted to smile at him, but he still looked a little sad. Nothing like he appeared in the
magazines.
“She adores you,” I commented, wanting to give him an olive branch. “She really looks up to you.
When you called, she lit up, and it was the first time I actually heard her laugh.”
“Like you said, she’s a good kid. She’s a great kid who was dealt a shitty hand at life. I’m just
trying my best to remind her that this world has a place for her and that she belongs here. I know her,
though. I know how her thoughts can get very heavy and dark. I worry about her every single day.”
“Well, if there is anyone who can help her out of the darkness, it’s a man who found his way out of
his own.”
“You think I found my way out of the dark?” he asked with a low, smoky tone. His words shot
straight through my chest.
Of course, he’d found his way out of the darkness. For years I’d watched his light and happiness
unfold against my computer screen.
“Are you ready, Uncle Landon?” Karla asked as she emerged from her bedroom. She came right
before I could respond to Landon’s comment, which was a good thing.
I hadn’t a clue what I would’ve even said in reply.
The two both said goodbye to me as we walked to our cars to leave. As they drove away, I took a
few seconds to sit in my car as the engine roared. I took those few seconds to remind myself to
breathe.
 21

Landon

“S O , you think she’s pretty amazing, huh?” I asked Karla as we sat eating a steak dinner together at
one of the most expensive restaurants in Chicago. I called the day before to have the whole place to
ourselves. Whenever I took Karla on her dates, I always made sure the restaurant was unoccupied
with people, because once she mentioned how self-conscious she was with the fact that people stared
at her as if she were a monster.
I hated people and their goddamn judgmental stares. Sometimes, I’d even heard them make verbal
gasps. Other times, children would react out loud to Karla’s scars. “What’s wrong with her face,
Mama? She looks scary.”
I hated those comments more than words, especially since I knew how words could seep into a
person’s soul and embed themselves into their entire existence.
I’d lived that life before.
I still lived that life on certain occasions. I didn’t want that for Karla. I knew the struggle of
demons at such a young age—I wouldn’t wish that hardness on anyone, let alone Karla.
She was such a happy girl before the accident. You couldn’t find a time when Karla wasn’t
dancing around and singing, much like her little sister Lorelai. There was a light in her that I thought
could’ve never been demolished, but after the car crash and losing her mother, Karla’s light had
almost completely disappeared.
It wasn’t completely gone, though, which made me happy.
I still saw a small twinkle in her eyes as she talked about her stories and Shay. I wasn’t surprised
by that at all. Shay was a spark of light in my dark world, too.
“She’s more than amazing, Uncle Landon. She’s just so…cool!” Karla sighed, speaking about
Shay. “She writes better than anyone I’d ever read before. And no offense, but her screenplays are
better than any movie you’ve ever been in. Like way better.”
I chuckled. “No need to bruise my ego.”
“It’s not your fault that you’re in some mediocre movies sometimes, Uncle Landon. Your acting is
always great, but the words you say sometimes are trash,” she said matter-of-factly as she cut into her
steak.
 I couldn’t help but smirk at the comment. “I can’t argue with that.”
“If I can be half the screenwriter that Shay is, I’d be happy. You don’t understand—she’s the
best.”
I could’ve sat and listened to Karla go on and on about the greatness that was Shay Gable, and I
would’ve never grown tired of it. I was certain every word she spoke about Shay was true, too. It all
matched up with the girl I used to know.
But, my dinner dates with Karla weren’t for anyone other than the two of us. It was a chance to me
to check in on her body, mind, and spirit.
“Enough about Shay,” I said, stuffing a forkful of Brussels sprouts into my mouth. “Let’s talk about
you.”
Karla grew more somber and her smile faded away. “Do we have to?”
“You know the rules, Karla. I buy you an overpriced steak, and you let me into that beautiful head
of yours.”
She shifted around in her seat. “I’m okay. My therapist is really nosy, though.”
“Or she’s just trying to help you.”
“She can’t get me a new face, so I doubt she can help me much.”
I frowned, knowing that her scars were a big issue with her confidence. I couldn’t even fault her
for being uncomfortable with them, because I had my scars, too, that I spent my childhood hiding.
Then, I went ahead and had them covered with tattoos up and down my arms.
“Your face is perfect.”
“Tell that to everyone at school,” she huffed. “People fucking suck.”
I would’ve scolded her for swearing, but I wasn’t her father, I was the cool uncle. Besides, she
was right. People did fucking suck.
“Have you thought about transferring schools like your dad mentioned?” She’d been having her
fair share of bullying going on at her school. She even went through a large amount of time when she
was skipping school, but once Greyson found out, he made sure to have Eleanor walk Karla directly
to her classroom in the mornings.
“No way.” She shook her head. “That would just be a new set of assholes for me to meet. At least
I know the jerks at my school. I know what lame comments they’ll throw my way, which makes it
okay. They aren’t very clever, so they can’t hurt me too much.”
I frowned, picking up on the fact that they hurt her still.
“Besides, Brian started talking to me again,” she said, a slight curve to her lips. “I mean, he
doesn’t say much in front of other people, but when we are alone, he checks in on me.”
“Why doesn’t he say anything to you in front of people?”
“Because, he can’t risk his popularity in front of our friends.” She paused and frowned. “I mean
his friends.”
They used to be her friends, until they turned cold on her after the accident.
Also, fuck Brian for being a little shit and only being Karla’s friend in hiding. She deserved more
than that. She deserved the fucking world, but instead she was left dealing with high school and
bullies, which annoyed me to no end because people fucking sucked.
“Don’t let anyone make you into their secret, Karla. If he can’t be your friend in public, then he
doesn’t deserve you.”
She shrugged. “He’s the only friend I got. I don’t really have a say in what I get when I look like
this.”
“You definitely have a say in that. Plus, he’s not your only friend. I’m your friend.”
 She rolled her eyes. “No offense, Uncle Landon, but having a forty-year-old friend isn’t really
what I’m looking for.”
“Forty? I’m not forty.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “Then why do you look so old?”
Leave it to a fourteen-year-old to keep you humble. “Do you want to do three good things?” I
asked, speaking of the exercise I’d learned from my own therapist. I’d passed it on to Karla, because
I wanted her to remember that even on the worst days, there were at least three good things that
happened.
She cocked an eyebrow. “Do I have to do it in order to get dessert?”
I gave her a knowing smile. Damn right she had to do it in order to receive dessert.
She sighed and combed her fingers through the hair hanging in front of her face. “Fine. One, I got
to work with Shay. Two, I got to see you. Three, Brian smiled at me in the hallway.”
Fuck Brian and fuck his smiles.
I didn’t say that, though. I could tell Karla’s little naïve heart was more interested in that boy than
she should’ve been, and if I said anything, it might’ve made her close me out a bit on her life. I
needed her to remain open, because I knew what it felt like to close out the world.
Also, me mentally cussing out a fourteen-year-old kid probably wasn’t the most grown-up thing to
do. But what could I say? I loved Karla too much, and anyone who disrespected her heart would’ve
had to deal with me.
“And three memories?” I asked.
She groaned, but she nodded. “Mom’s smile, the way she’d dance so badly as Dad put on the
Mariah Carey Christmas album, and the way she cried tears from laughing while we watched
YouTube videos of hamsters eating burritos.”
Three great choices.
I always had Karla name three memories she held of her mother, Nicole, in order to not forget
about the good times. I’d recently began doing the same with her about my uncle, Lance. I’d never did
it before, and it was oddly healing speaking about the good memories instead of focusing on the fact
that our loved ones were no longer around.
“Oh!” She beamed, shooting her stare up to me. “Can I tell you the idea that Shay gave me for my
story?”
The way she lit up made me light up, too. “Of course. Tell me everything.”
She began going on and on about the script, and I saw the happiness she’d been receiving from
working with Shay. Shay was giving Karla reasons to smile, and the next time I saw her, I was more
than prepared to thank her. Shay had a natural way of making individual’s lives better. I was thankful
she was there for Karla in the middle of her storm.

“HOW IS SHE DOING ?” Greyson asked after I dropped Karla off at his house. He was running around
with Lorelai in the backyard when we pulled up, acting like the old, fun-loving Greyson I always
knew.
Currently, we were sitting in his office, sipping on a glass of the finest whiskey as he debriefed
me on Karla’s current headspace.
“She’s good. She’s still working through a lot, but she’ll get there, Grey. I know you worry about
her, but she’s okay.”
He grimaced. “She still holds me at a distance. I know I deserve it after everything I put her
through, but she’s closed-off with me to certain levels. I’m thankful for you checking in on her. She
needs a safe haven.”
“She’s just processing a lot, Grey. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” I knew he would be regardless
of what I said. “Plus, I’m always here for you and the girls. You’re my family, and I’d do anything for
you. Always. But, please know that you’re her real safe haven. I’m just a temporary shelter until she
finds her way home, and she will, Grey. I promise. Just keep knocking on that door of hers. She’ll let
you back in soon enough.”
He leaned back in his chair and swirled the whiskey in his glass. “The other day, the girls and I
were watching a movie. I made a stupid Dad joke, and Karla smirked at it for a split second.”
“See?! That’s progress. Just keep being the dorky, unfunny human that I know you to be and you’ll
be back in her good graces sooner than later!”
“Thanks for everything, Landon. You’ve always been there for me through thick and thin, and that
means the world to me.”
“That’s what best friends are for. How are things going with Eleanor?” I asked. His face turned a
deeper shade of red and he downed his drink. “Things are good.”
“Like, good-good or good-good?”
“Good-good, I think, but I’m taking it slow. I have to, otherwise I might ruin whatever shot we
have. One day at a time.”
“I’m happy for you, Grey. You deserve to be happy.”
“I could say the same about you. How are things with Shay?”
I laughed. “What things with Shay? After the whiskey party, we hadn’t spoken a word until today,
when I came to get Karla. It was as awkward and uncomfortable as you could’ve imagined.”
“Well, you did stalk her and show up to her place in the pouring rain like a psychopath.”
I groaned. “Do you have to remind me of my stupid mistakes?”
“Yup. It comes with the best friend territory. I get to remind you of stupid shit.”
I would’ve cussed him out if I wasn’t so happy that he was getting back to his old self and being
playful. “Whatever. All I know is that I messed things up with Shay, and I need to let it go.”
“Do you want to let it go?”
I didn’t answer him.
He leaned forward, clasped his hands together, and rested them against his desk as he looked my
way. “Eleanor said she thinks Shay’s really interested in reconnecting with you, but she’s too afraid to
let those walls down.”
“Yeah. I don’t even think I deserve to get those walls taken down honestly.”
“She’s just processing a lot, Landon. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he mocked tongue-in-cheek as
he gave me the same words I’d given him earlier. “Just keep knocking on her door. She’ll come
around and let you in soon enough.”
Maybe that was true for his and Karla’s relationship, but it wasn’t the same for Shay and me. I
wouldn’t have been surprised if she never let me in again. Truth was, I didn’t deserve to be back in
her life. Not when I was the one who walked away in the first place.
This wasn’t some kind of fairy tale storybook. I wasn’t Shay’s Prince Charming, and our story
probably wouldn’t end with a happily ever after.
But that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try to win her over again, even if that meant simply
becoming her friend.
 “She’s working at a bakery style coffee shop called Ava’s,” Greyson mentioned. “But you didn’t
hear that from me. Just say Raine told you.”
Duly noted.
 22

Shay

THERE WERE three things in life I knew to be absolutely true:

1. One could never eat too many croissants.

2. Rainy days were meant for oversized sweaters and oversized books.
3. Landon liked his coffee with one sugar and two creamers.

I only knew the last fact because he stood right there at the counter of Ava’s, ordering his coffee
with a croissant on the side. “Two creams, one sugar.”
“I think it’s funny that you work in a place with coffee, even though you said you hated the stuff the
other day,” he commented. “Though, it kind of makes sense, seeing how you work around the stuff all
day.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked, feeling flustered as he stood in front of me, wearing a
perfectly fitted peacoat and black jeans.
“I’m crossing paths with you.” He said all this with the goofiest smile, and I wanted to smack the
smile from his face, but then again, Landon looked good with a smile.
No, screw that smile.
“Who told you I worked here?”
“Greyson might’ve let it slip by mistake.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out cash to pay
for his coffee. “I figured maybe we could have an easy talk during your break.”
“I don’t get a break for an hour.”
“That’s fine by me. I’ll wait.”
“Don’t bother. I don’t want to talk to you.”
“But you said if you saw me again, we’d have an easy conversation.”
“I said if we crossed paths, which means in an organic fashion. There is nothing organic about
you figuring out where I work and just showing up.”
“You didn’t make the organic part clear,” he mentioned. “Besides, I’m not big on organic things.
Give me the bad stuff, and I’m all over it.” He lifted his coffee cup and nodded my direction. “I’m
going to sit in that back corner until you change your mind.”
“You’re going to be sitting for a while, so make sure to buy something else later on. There’s
nothing worse than a person who sits in the coffee shop for hours and hours and only orders a one
dollar coffee.”
“Don’t worry.” He lifted a daily paper from the stack beside him and tucked it under his arm. “I
have an endless addiction to coffee.”
As he spoke, people snapped pictures of him, reminding me once again that to me he was simply
Landon, but to the rest of the world he was a star.
“Do you ever get sick of that?” I asked, nodding toward the individuals holding their cameras out.
“It’s a gift and a curse. I know I wouldn’t be able to live the life I do without them, but also I wish
there was a way I could do what I love and still be anonymous.”
“Voice acting for the win.”
“I would’ve made a badass Shrek.” He nodded toward me. “Do you ever get sick of that?”
“Of what?”
“Pretending like you don’t want to at least have the conversation we should be having about us?”
Oh yeah. It’s a gift and a curse.
“There is no us.”
“Come on, Chick,” he said, his voice low and controlled. “Just an easy conversation.”
Butterflies. A swarm of stupid butterflies that didn’t belong anywhere near my stomach. Why did I
have butterflies from him calling me Chick?
“Go away, Landon.”
“As you wish.”
But he didn’t leave leave. He did exactly what he’d said he would do. He went and sat at a table
and he began studying his newspaper as cameras ‘sneakily’ snapped photographs of him. It was so
odd seeing the fame side of his life. It’s strange seeing people you grew up with in a different type of
light.
I went back to work trying to shake off the idea of Landon sitting in the back of the shop. Wasn’t
he a famous actor? Didn’t he have something better to be doing with his time?
Just when I was able to push him out of my head, someone I currently despised even more than
him walked into the shop.
“Shay, hey. How are you?” Tina asked as she stood next in line like a freaking psychopath. Her
eyes were filled with emotion, and she looked kind of pathetic.
The only thing that separated us was the tray of croissants and bagels.
She combed her hair behind her ears and glanced down to the ground before looking back to me.
“I just wanted to come in here to apologize for the things that happened between Sam and me. We
never expected you to find out.”
Then, she stopped speaking.
That was it.
Was that what counted as an apology in this day and age? A non-apology was now what people
were calling apologies? She simply said they never expected me to find out, not that she was sorry for
her bad decisions. She hadn’t said she was upset about the flawed choices she made, just that she was
simply disappointed I’d found out about their sexcapades.
Tina shifted in her shoes. “I mean, let’s be honest, you can see why I’m the right choice for him.
Sam and I make sense in so many ways, ways you never connected with him.”
What in the hell was happening right now? Was the woman who’d cheated with my boyfriend
actually telling me all the reasons she was right for him and I was wrong?
I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of Tina standing in front of me and saying those
words.
I loved women.
I loved women so much more than I loved men. I went out of my way to celebrate females, to
cheer them on, to make them understand the power in their existence, and see themselves as the
queens they were. I fought for our rights, I pushed for feminine self-discovery, and I was an advocate,
a cheerleader for any woman who’d been scorned by the opposite sex. I. Loved. Women.
I knew it sounded odd, but in some ways I was more disappointed in Tina for her actions than
Sam. Maybe I was so jaded that I figured Sam would end up being a letdown anyway, but Tina? Tina
was supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. She was supposed to have my back the same way I had
hers. Yet here she was now, telling me how I wasn’t right for my ex-boyfriend and therefore she felt
okay screwing his Jar Jar Binks brains out.
“If you think about it, maybe the universe brought me to this coffee shop all those months ago just
so you could connect me with Sam. If it weren’t for you, we would’ve never met one another,” she
said with a smile.
With a goddamn smile like a freaking psychopath! What was she going to do next? Start skinning
cats as she sipped her coffee?
That was when it happened. That was when the logical part of my brain shut down.
As we stood there, face to face, I lost myself. It was as if I had an out-of-body experience. I held a
drink in my hand as Tina spoke my way. She kept moving her mouth and repeatedly kept explaining
why she and Sam were meant to be. She kept moving her hands in such rapid movements, and the next
thing I knew, the latte in my hand was soaking into her T-shirt.
At some point my hand jerked the drink toward her face, covering her head to toe. It was an iced
latte—obviously. I wasn’t a complete psychopath like her, just a semi-nutjob at best.
Tina stood there frozen as everyone in the shop turned our way and stared, including Landon. Oh
crap. He was still there, seeing me in the limelight of average joes.
Tina’s mouth was agape in shock, and I would’ve bet my stare mimicked hers.
“Shay, what the hell?!” Brady asked, hurrying out from the back room, holding bags of coffee
grounds in his grip. He was my manager, so it was clear this wasn’t going to go over swimmingly.
Tina finally breathed out as her body shook, and then she hurried out of the shop, dripping latte
across the floor the whole way out.
Brady pulled out a mop, cleaned up the mess, called me to the back room, and proceeded to tell
me I was fired.
“What?” I gasped. I mean, yes, throwing iced lattes at customers does fall under the employees
behaving badly category, but she slept with my boyfriend. There had to be some kind of corporate
policy to let that slide on the employee’s first offense.
“You threw a latte in her face, Shay! We can’t just let that slide,” he explained, pinching the
bridge of his nose.
“It was an iced latte,” I commented, as if that made a difference. “Please, Brady, I need this job
right now. I can’t afford to lose it.”
“Yeah, I get that, Shay, I do, but you made a choice, and I cannot stand by and let that kind of
behavior go without drastic consequences.”
“Then suspend me from my lunch breaks. Take the latte out of my check. Just don’t fire me.”
Brady frowned, and I knew he wasn’t having an easy time with the decision at all. He was the
complete opposite of confrontational, and if he could have, he would’ve rather buried his head in the
sand than fire me. “I’m sorry, Shay. It’s just out of my hands now. Please don’t make this harder than it
has to be.”
I parted my lips to speak, but no words came from my mouth. He was right—I’d thrown a drink
into a woman’s face, and there was no getting around that fact. Truth was I deserved to be fired; I just
wished Brady could’ve overlooked it all.
I took off my apron, grabbed my purse, and headed out toward the front of the shop to leave. As I
began walking, Landon gathered up his things and hurried after me.
“Shay, wait up. What the hell was that about?” he asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I muttered, still walking toward the bus stop.
“Yeah, but are you all right? Did you just get fired for that? Also, why did you throw a drink in
that girl’s f—"
“Landon,” I barked, whipping around in my sneakers to face him.
“Yes?”
My eyes watered over and my chest burned a little as he stared my way. I didn’t say a word, and I
didn’t have to, because he already knew. He knew I was cracking, knew I was slipping into a moment
of pain, because he knew me, even after all the time that had passed.
How was that possible?
He stepped toward me and wrapped me in his arms as I began to sob into his T-shirt. “You’re
okay, Chick. You’re okay, I got you,” he soothed, smoothing his hands over my hair.
In the past week, I had caught my boyfriend cheating, slept with my ex-boyfriend, thrown an iced
latte in a woman’s face, and lost my job. If that wasn’t a terrible weekly recap, I didn’t know what
was.
He cleared his throat, lowered his mouth to my ear, and whispered, “We should probably move
from here.” I went to raise my head from his chest, but he held me in place. What the heck? “Stay
down.”
“Why?”
“There’s a bit of paparazzi surrounding us right now, and I doubt you want your face all over the
magazines tomorrow. Let’s go.”
“Go? Go where?”
“Any place but here. Trust me. I got you. Just stay close and keep your head down. We have to get
to my car around the corner, then we’ll be good to go.”
As Landon led me over, he wrapped his jacket around my body, keeping my face covered. The
moment I got into his car, he instructed me to duck down until he drove off.
Was this what it meant being in the limelight? Never being able to break down in public without
someone being there to snap a picture of you for the cover of some tacky tabloid?
As we began driving off, I realized I was sitting in the car with a man I was working hard to keep
from reentering my heart, going God knows where.
“You can take me back. I’m sure it’s calmed down,” I told him.
“They like to hang around the place for a bit after a celebrity sighting takes place. We should wait
about an hour or so.”
“We?” I questioned. “No offense, but I don’t really have the energy to hang out with you for an
hour. You can take me to my place.”
“Are you sure you want to be alone?”
No, of course not.
 Nobody wants to be alone. Some people just end up that way.
“I’ll be fine,” I answered as I went digging in my purse for my keys, but I paused as I realized
they were still in my apron pocket, back at the coffee shop.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I need my house keys. I left them at the bakery. I have to go back
sooner than later.”
“Later than sooner is better,” he disagreed. “Trust me, I can take you to my place. We can stay
there until things settle down. I swear, I won’t even try to talk to you.”
“Fine, but no talking once we get there.”
“Not a word.”
I shifted around in my seat and clasped my hands together. “I have wanted to ask you something
since the whiskey party…”
“Anything. Go for it.”
“Are you clean?” I blurted out, turning his way. “I mean, like…have you been tested in a while?
I’m on the pill, so there’s no worries for an unexpected pregnancy tabloid scandal, but I do know your
reputation of being a manwhore. If you’re not clean and I need to get tested, let me know and I will. It
was a stupid mistake on my part. I would’ve never slept with you without a condom if I wasn’t
drinking. I mean, I probably wouldn’t have slept with you at all if I weren’t drinking.”
He frowned for a split second before pushing the grimace expression away. “I’m clean. I was
tested a few months ago and haven’t slept with anyone since then. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not
a manwhore.”
“That’s not what TMZ says.”
His jaw clenched and his hands gripped the steering wheel so hard I wouldn’t have been
surprised if it snapped in half. “You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.”
“So, what am I supposed to believe? You?”
“There was a time that you would’ve.”
“That was also a time when I was young and naïve.”
His eyes glanced my way before moving back to the road. “You resent me.”
I did. I resented him for years for the way he ended things. I resented the pain he caused me. I
resented the way he made me shut off my heart from the world, and I resented him for coming back out
of nowhere, and making it start to beat again.
“Maybe we should just ride in silence, too,” I murmured, turning my back slightly to him and
peering out of the window.
We pulled up to a five-star hotel and used a private entryway to get to the penthouse. Never in my
life had I stepped foot inside of a penthouse, and Landon’s did not disappoint. It was beyond beautiful
and lavish. The second we walked in, I swooned at the view. All the furniture was cream colored,
and accents of blues and sea green filled the space. The décor was spot on, and it felt as if you’d
walked directly into a Pottery Barn ad.
All you needed was a dog sitting on a rug to make it PB approved.
Just that second, a dog came trotting out of a back room, wagging his short tail back and forth with
his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
“Hey, Rookie,” Landon said to his faithful companion. He bent down to pet the dog, Rookie, but
instead his pup kept on trotting on over my way, wagging that tail and nudging me in the leg.
I couldn’t help but smile as I lowered myself down to pet his belly.
“Hey there, cutie. How are you doing?” I asked, giving him the best cuddles.
“I was just ditched by my dog for a woman.”
 “You can’t help it that he has good taste.”
Landon gave me a crooked smile as he took off his coat and walked to the kitchen area. “Do you
want a drink?”
I grimaced. “I think I’m going to hold off on drinking for the next few days. The thought of alcohol
makes me want to gag.”
He laughed. “I mostly meant coffee or tea.”
Oh. Of course, because it was only ten in the morning. “If you have coffee, I won’t fight against
it.”
“I thought you hated coffee.”
“I’m a complicated woman.”
He made me a cup the exact way I always loved it—with more creamer than coffee—and he even
placed two cookies on a plate to go with it.
“Thank you,” I said, picking up the coffee and treats and moving over to the sofa to sit and drink.
Rookie hurried over to my side and cuddled up closely.
“If he bothers you, you can shove him away.”
I’d never be the girl who pushed a dog away.
I smiled at Rookie as he laid his head down and fell asleep.
Landon brewed himself his own cup of coffee then moved over to the dining room table. He
pulled out a notebook and began writing nonstop upon the sheets.
I couldn’t help but wonder what it was he was scribbling, but I knew better than to ask. I had told
him to not talk to me, and it would’ve been rude to break my own rule.
He was scribbling so quickly, moving page to page as the words poured out of him. Every now
and again, his lips would curve up, and once he finished one sheet, he’d fold it like a letter, and put it
to the side.
The more letters he crafted, the more my anxiety began to build. Was that how he’d looked when
he’d written his words to me in the notebooks from the past? Had he smiled a little and put in such
thought?
“It broke my heart, you know,” I said.
He looked up to me with a bewildered look in his eyes. “What did?”
“When you stopped writing me the letters and never came back.”
He lowered his arm to the table and placed his pen down.
I knew I shouldn’t have been speaking about the past, because it had a way of opening old scars
I’d worked hard to close, but I couldn’t help it as I watched him craft letters, the same type he used to
make for me. “It hurt me so much when I saw you happy and healthy on television. I know it’s stupid,
but it did.”
“It’s not stupid,” he disagreed.
I tried to smile but couldn’t force my mouth to turn up. “Who are you writing to?”
Where do your love letters go today?
His lips parted to tell me, but I held my hand up to halt him.
What am I doing?
I didn’t want to know that, partly because it was none of my business, mainly because it would
hurt too much to know who they were all for. I glanced down at my phone to check the time. “I think I
can head out now.”
“I’ll drive you back to the coffee shop.”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll take an Uber. It’s probably safer than having you go back over there.” I stood
and gave Rookie one last snuggle before heading to the front door. “Thanks for the coffee.”
Landon got to his feet and headed toward me. He held the door open, and as I stepped past him,
his hand landed on my forearm, stopping me. “Shay, wait.”
“What is it?”
He moved a step closer to me, hovering over my body as chills raced through me from his small
touch. “A few days back when we made love—”
“Had sex,” I corrected, trying to tame the wildness that was shooting through me.
“Yes. A few days ago when we had sex…did you feel it, too?”
My eyes locked with his. “Feel what?”
He lowered his voice and his hot breaths brushed against my skin. “Everything. Shay…not a day
has gone by that I haven’t thought about you. You are the first woman—the only woman—who ever
awakened every sleeping part of me. You were a defining moment of my life.”
“Then why did you disappear?” I whispered, feeling the ache in my chest growing more and
more. I felt my emotions building up, which was exactly why I knew I had to leave. I couldn’t fall
apart over him anymore. I was supposed to be past it. I was supposed to be free of his chains. I was
supposed to be fine. “Forget it, really. This isn’t an easy conversation. This is heavy, and I can’t do
heavy with you anymore. Sorry, Landon. I can’t.”
I didn’t look back at him as I pushed myself out of his penthouse. I hurried down the hallway and
tried my best to keep the tears burning in my eyes at bay, but deep down inside I knew the answer to
his question when he asked me if I felt anything at the whiskey party. I knew the truth I was trying my
hardest to ignore.
I had felt it all.
I’d felt everything the night we fell together, and for a moment in time, it had felt so good.
 23

Shay

“I MUST ADMIT , it’s a little clever,” Raine said as we sat in front of her computer monitor, strolling
through article after article. “They’re calling you Coffee Girl, and the headlines are true gems.
‘Coffee Girl—A Whole Latte Crazy’,” she said, giggling as it rolled off her tongue.
“That’s not funny, Raine.” I groaned, slouching over in my chair. How was this even happening?
Just yesterday, I’d lost my job, and lucky for me, Mr. Hollywood was there, which brought about a ton
of people with camera phones snapping videos and pictures of him inside of the bakery. They made it
right on time to capture me throwing a latte—correction: iced latte—into Tina’s face, and now I was
the girl all over social media, throwing a drink into the face of a seemingly sweet customer.
Isn’t life grand?
“Oh look! You have a collection of memes on Twitter! Oh gosh, Shay. You’re a meme!” Raine
exclaimed, taking it all in stride a lot better than I was. Then again, it wasn’t her face looking like a
complete madwoman all across the internet.
“This is humiliating,” I groaned, pulling my shirt over my face to hide my shame. I couldn’t
believe this was happening. The angles that they got of me that day were awful, too. It appeared that I
had resting bitch face, which was the complete opposite of who I was. I was a happy girl! It just so
happened that they caught me during a not-so-happy moment.
This was all Landon’s fault.
If he wouldn’t have showed up, wanting to have an easy conversation, I would’ve been able to
have a completely normal iced latte face toss moment, without bystanders capturing it on camera.
What was even worse about the whole situation? The headlines were running with a story that I
threw the drink because we were fighting over Landon.
Could you believe that? They painted him as the guy all girls were fighting over, when the reality
of the situation was, we were fighting over Jar Jar freaking Binks!
The anger that simmered inside me was far too strong. There I was yet again, being completely
embarrassed due to Landon and his fame. Only this time I wasn’t invisible in front of two models.
This time, the whole world was seeing me.
“I wished they would’ve grabbed some of the pictures from the whiskey party of me instead of
these. At least in those, I looked hot.”
“You look hot here, too,” Raine remarked. “Come on, Shay. Don’t let this get to you too much. The
internet will be on to the next dramatic moment in a few minutes. This will be swept under the rug in
a heartbeat.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I am. So, come on, chin up. What’s on your agenda today? Other than avoiding the internet at all
costs.”
I lowered my shirt and sighed. “Well, job searching once again. I found a few barista positions
I’m going to go try to grab. Plus, I’m going to shoot for some waitstaff positions.” I felt somewhat
ashamed even saying those words. I was a woman in her thirties with a master’s degree in fine arts,
searching for waitstaff jobs.
Raine must’ve picked up on my unease. She placed a comforting hand on my knee. “You can do it,
Shay. I know things look a little bleak right now, but the ship can’t always be sitting out at sea. You’ll
start moving toward the shore soon enough. Keep your head up.”
I smiled and thanked my friend for the words of encouragement. To be honest, I needed it. Losing
my job couldn’t have come at a worse time, seeing how bills were already tight. I didn’t really have
time for a break in my pay, and I was currently beating myself up for allowing my emotions to get the
better part of me.
“I’m okay.” I smiled at my friend, not wanting her to worry too much.
“No, you’re not, but I know you will be. Now come on to the kitchen. I’ll make us a pot of
coffee.” She paused and gave me a wicked grin. “On second thought, let’s make it tea.”
She stood from her chair and began waddling away toward the kitchen. Once we arrived in there,
I reached for the tea mugs, as Raine cradled her stomach in her arms. She seemed winded from the
small walk and cringed as if the baby was fussing.
“Is he kicking around?” I asked, smiling to my friend.
“More like playing the freaking drums. I’m telling you, don’t get pregnant. Everyone on Instagram
makes this shit look cute, but they don’t post pictures of themselves peeing in Target lines and having
hairy vaginas because they can’t bend over. The other day Hank shaved for me, because he’s Hank
and perfect, but I think he shaved a lightning bolt down there, because when the baby is born he wants
to say, ‘You’re a wizard, Harry,’ because he’s a freaking lunatic. I tried to tell him that a shaved
lightning bolt in Lily Potter’s pubes isn’t what made her son a freaking wizard, but he was like,
‘Babe, you just have to believe me. Your vagina is magical.’ I hate him so much sometimes.”
I laughed. “That’s a very Hank thing to do.”
“I can’t stand that man,” she grumbled as she walked over to her tea cabinet and pulled it open. I
swore, she had more tea than anyone should’ve ever had. I wasn’t even sure that Raine liked tea, to
be honest. She’d binged The Crown a few months back, and ever since then, she’d picked up about
two packs each week. You would’ve thought she was British—until you heard her hideous British
accent.
After she heated up the water, she leaned against the countertop, taking deep breaths as she rubbed
her stomach. “Do you think we can talk about the big elephant in the room?” she asked, raising an
eyebrow at me.
I sighed. “You mean the fact that Landon showed up to my job and has been so persistent about
talking to me, and the fact that the more he shows up, the more I want to talk to him to get answers to
questions that don’t really matter, because I’m over him, and I’m not an emotional teenager anymore
who needs to know why she wasn’t good enough to come back for, and the fact that I shouldn’t look
back, but should only look forward, even though I can’t stop thinking about the night we’d slept
together, and ever since then I’ve been having sex dreams about him, and secretly wanting to sleep
with him while sober in order to see if the sex was just whiskey-drunk good or if it was good-good,
but I know that’s a terrible idea, because if I slept with him again, I’d be opening a door that shouldn’t
be opened, but I mean, isn’t it already open seeing how we’d already banged? I mean, people just
have sex, right? It doesn’t have to mean anything other than banging. There don’t really have to be
feelings involved, because I don’t think I really do feelings on that level anymore, so I don’t know.
That’s it. That’s all I have to say.”
Raine’s mouth hung open as her eyes widened in shock. “Holy crap, that was the longest run-on
sentence I’d ever heard. Honestly, I don’t think you even blinked once or took a breath.”
“I know, but I just wanted to get the elephant in the room out of the way, because I’m pretty sure
you’ve been able to tell what was on my mind ever since it happened. So, there. It’s all on the table
now.”
Raine blinked repeatedly, still appearing stunned.
“What?” I asked.
Her eyes moved across the room and she pointed. “I was talking about the huge fucking stuffed
elephant Hank ordered from Amazon the other day. He’s been buying stuffed animals as if we are
having a freaking zookeeper.”
Oh.
She meant that elephant.
Right, of course.
“I guess this took an awkward left turn,” I awkwardly laughed.
“Awkward left turn? Shay, you just did a figure eight in the air with that comment. You’ve been
thinking about sleeping with Landon?”
I rubbed my hands over my face. “I actually can’t stop thinking about sleeping with Landon, which
is driving me crazy. I shouldn’t be feeling any of this, because my logical mind knows better.”
“You can’t always listen to your mind. Sometimes you have to let your heart lead the way,” Raine
said, shrugging her shoulders. “Landon isn’t the same boy he was all those years ago, and even the
person he was back then wasn’t awful. He was just lost.”
“Do you know why he never came back?” I asked, feeling a tad bit stupid for even asking. Raine
and I never talked about how Landon moved on without me. I asked her to never mention his name
again after he moved on so publicly with Sarah Sims all those years ago. Seeing him with her crushed
me, and I didn’t have the energy to talk about him. But lately, that question had been sitting heavily on
my mind.
Raine grew somber, something that didn’t happen often. “I do, but it’s not really my place to say.”
I laughed. “Come on, Raine. You can’t keep a secret if your life depended on it.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m a regular blabbering Amy, but this is different, Shay. If you hear the reasons
why, then they need to come from Landon’s mouth.”
I lowered my head, somewhat confused by her words. “Were the reasons good?”
She nodded. “Yes. I know you probably resent him a lot, too, but I’m telling you, Shay. Landon
has gone through a lot of wars throughout the years, but he’s done a lot of work to better himself. If
you let him back into your life, even if it is just to bang him, please don’t hold his past mistakes
against him. Or shit that you read in the tabloids. If you want to know who he is today, then ask him
straight out. That’s where the truth is.”
I took in her comments, unsure how to even react to them.
 “Besides,” she shrugged, “I’ve always been a fan of Team Lay since high school.”
“Team Lay?”
“You know, Team Lay. It’s when you put the names Landon and Shay together.” She poked her
tongue in her cheek. “Which actually makes sense why you want to bang him. Your names together is
Lay. You were meant to bang one another.”
“Oh gosh, shush.”
“I’m just saying, Shay. It’s your destiny.” She cringed once more as she sat her hands on her
stomach, and she closed her eyes really tight. “We might have to put off on the tea for a while.”
“Why is that?”
“Um, because I’m pretty sure my water just broke.”

“IT ’ S TOO SOON , it’s too soon,” Raine cried as we drove to the hospital. I was shooting down the
roads, trying my best to not fly through any stop signs or red lights. One of my hands was on the
steering wheel while the other was gripped tightly in Raine’s hand as she sat in full blown panic
mode.
“Don’t worry, Raine. Everything’s okay. Everything’s going to be fine. We’re good, we’re okay.
You’re okay. The baby’s okay,” I repeatedly said, hoping to God I wasn’t lying to my friend. The truth
was, I was nervous for her. She was thirty-four weeks pregnant and was still supposed to have weeks
before her water broke.
“Hank’s not answering. I’ve called so many times, and he’s not answering,” she sobbed, holding
her hands against her stomach. “And he’s hours away on a job. How am I supposed to do this, Shay?
He’s so far away and what if something goes wrong before he gets here? What if—”
Tears streamed down her face as worry filled her up inside. I wanted to wrap her into my arms
and take away her anxiety, but I knew I couldn’t do that. Truthfully the only people who could were
the doctors and Hank. My main mission was to get her to that hospital before anything could go
worse.
The moment we made it to the hospital, Raine was rushed into a room, and she requested that I
keep trying to call Hank. I sat in the lobby dialing his number repeatedly, hoping that he’d answer or
at least listen to one of the hundreds of voice messages I’d left him.
When he finally did answer, he told me he was on his way back home, trying to get there as soon
as possible.
The doctors came out to tell me that they were going to help Raine get into labor.
“Isn’t it too early?” I asked them, nerves rocketing through my system.
“It is earlier than we’d like, but with her being thirty-four weeks, there should be less
complications than if she were delivering earlier. Our biggest concern is that the baby will be at risk
for an infection, but she is requesting you in her room to be by her side if that’s possible.”
“Of course.”
I headed back to my friend’s hospital room, and was by her side as soon as possible, holding her
hand.
“Did you hear from Hank?” she asked, tears still sitting in the back of her eyes.
“Yes. He’s on his way back now. It will be a few hours, but he’s going to try to get back as soon
as he can.”
 “They are going to induce me,” she said, wiping her hands over her eyes. “I’m so scared, Shay.”
“I know, honey, but trust me, these doctors know what they’re doing. This is going to all work out,
and before you know it, you’re going to have a beautiful baby in your hands to hold. Everything is
okay,” I soothed her, feeling more confident about saying those words after hearing the doctor
reassure me that Raine was in good hands. Plus, I sent out a text message to my mother, Eleanor, and
Mima to say a few prayers for Raine, too. I figured a few extra prayers could never hurt.
After the doctors started the process of inducing Raine, things moved a lot slower than I would’ve
thought. Hours passed of me holding Raine’s hands, and luckily the passing time made it easier for my
friend to breathe through her anxiety.
As the doctor was checking Raine’s cervix, the hospital door opened, and in walked a person
with a bouquet of flowers in his hands.
“Holy shit!” he shouted, seeing Raine’s legs spread wide open.
Raine glanced to the door and proceeded to flip out. “Oh my gosh, Landon! What the hell are you
doing here?! Don’t you fucking dare look at my lightning bolt vagina!” she shouted.
“What the hell is a lightning bolt vagina?!” he yelled, turning his face away from Raine and
shielding his eyes with the flowers.
“Something you shouldn’t be seeing!” she exclaimed.
“Okay, okay, I’m out, I’m out!” he replied, rushing out of the room.
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the whole interaction as it unfolded. Landon scurried away like a
cockroach in the light.
“Jesus Christ. The last thing a woman wants is someone she considers a brother to see her puss in
boots,” Raine sighed, slamming her hand against her forehead. At least her humor was coming back.
“I honestly don’t know who that was worse for—you or him.”
“Did he have flowers?”
“I think he did.”
“I bet Hank called him to come check on me, the asshole.” She turned to look at me. “Do you think
you can make sure he’s good and not scarred for life? I mean, I know my husband loves my
downstairs, but it’s not for everyone.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you’re not trying to push Team Lay together?”
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Trust me, Shay. The only thing I’m trying to push right now is this
asshole out of my vagina. I just want to make sure Landon’s good.”
“Okay, I can do that. Just make sure you don’t have the baby while I’m gone.”
The doctor looked up toward me and smiled. “Don’t worry. That baby isn’t coming too soon.”
Raine blew out a heavy breath. “Son of a bitch. When Hank gets here, I’m going to kill him for
putting this thing inside of me.”
I leaned in and kissed Raine’s forehead. “Sweetie, maybe we shouldn’t talk about killing your
husband in front of the doctor.”
“I’ve heard a lot worse things from wives before. Your friend is being quite tame,” the doctor
expressed.
I had a feeling he was telling the truth, but before I could ask any more questions, I went to check
and make sure Landon wasn’t scarred for life.
 24

Landon

I SAW Raine’s lightning bolt.

I didn’t even know what that meant, but it was messing with my head, because Raine was like a
sister to me, and the last thing I’d ever wanted to see was my sister’s damn lightning bolt.
Hank rang me, knowing I was in town for a few more days, and asked me to go check in on Raine
to make sure she was all right until he arrived back in town. Obviously, I came without question
because when your family was in need of you, you showed up as soon as you could.
He gave me her room number and everything, but I didn’t expect to walk in on my friend’s legs
opened wide as a doctor did some weird shit to her.
“You okay?” a voice asked me, making me look up from the roses in my hands.
Shay stood in front of me with a small smile against her lips. “Define okay,” I joked as I lay the
flowers in the chair on my left, and Shay sat in the chair on my right.
She crossed her legs beside me and played with the collar of her shirt, as if she was debating
putting it between her lips. An old nervous habit of hers that I missed.
“Is she doing all right?” I asked about Raine. “I know she’s probably freaking out because Hank
isn’t here, but outside of that, is she okay?”
She dropped her hands to her lap and turned to face me. “Yeah, I think she’s coming around to
being better than she was earlier. The baby is coming earlier than expected, but the doctors are taking
really great care of Raine, which makes it less scary. Plus, so much time has passed that Raine’s
anxiety has faded a bit. So, all in all, she’s okay. Her and Hank are just going to be parents a lot
sooner than they thought.”
“It’s so wild to me that they are going to have a kid.”
“They are the dream couple,” she said. “I used to wish for their kind of love story.”
“Used to?”
“Yup. I’m not sure my life is cut out for that kind of true love, but I’m happy to know two people
who did receive it.”
“What do you mean your life isn’t cut out for true love?”
She shrugged as she hugged her knees into her chest. “I don’t really believe in love. At least not
for me. I feel as if Raine and Hank are a once in a lifetime kind of love story. That stuff doesn’t
happen for most people.”
“But it could happen,” I argued.
“It’s highly unlikely, but it’s fine. At least I’m able to see that strong kind of love from a distance
with Hank and Raine.”
I frowned. “You don’t believe in true love for yourself?”
“Oh no.” She shook her head. “I believe in love. It just doesn’t seem to believe in me.”
“Did you love your last boyfriend?”
She laughed. “Sam? Oh no. I know I tossed an iced latte into a woman’s face and all, but I don’t
think any love was involved in that situation. I hardly knew him.”
“Well, who was the last person you loved?”
She grew somber, rested her chin against her tucked in knees, and tilted her head toward me. “Oh,
come on Landon,” she whispered, her voice low and controlled. “I think we know the answer to that.”
Before I could reply, a person came shooting through the hospital doors. He flew to the
receptionist counter in a flurry. “Hello, I’m here to see my wife, Raine Jacobs, and—”
“Hank,” I called out.
He turned to face me and sighed with relief. Then, he saw Shay and hurried over. “What’s going
on? Is she okay? Will people not let you guys into her room? Is she alone? Oh my gosh, she’s alone.
Did something go wrong? What went wrong? What’s going on?”
He raked his hands through his hair nonstop in full freak-out mode.
Shay stood to her feet and placed a calming hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, Hank. She’s okay.
Everything’s moving along well. She’s in her room now and a doctor was just finishing up checking in
on her. She just asked me to come out and make sure Landon was all right.”
“What does that mean? Why wouldn’t you be all right?”
“Because I saw your wife’s lightning bolt.”
“I don’t know what that means, but it sounds weird.”
“Trust me, it is, but for now, go see your wife. She’s going to be happy to see you.”
“Or, she might kill you. It’s honestly up in the air right now,” Shay joked.
Hank hurried away in a fluster, probably beyond nervous about becoming a father. I knew he’d be
great, though. Some people were born to be parents, and Hank Jacobs was one of those individuals.
As time moved on, Hank informed Shay and I that the baby would probably take a little bit longer
to make an appearance in the world, so Shay and I could head home to get some rest.
It was pitch-black when Shay and I left the hospital. As we walked to our cars, Shay reached hers
first, and I went to say good night, but she cut in first.
“So, I’ve been thinking,” she started. She rubbed her hands together and bit her bottom lip. “About
us.”
Us.
Yes.
I liked the sound of that.
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I mean, the other day you asked me if I felt anything after we hooked up, and the truth was
yes. It felt…” She released a weighted breath from between her lips and shook her head back and
forth. “Really, really good.”
“Like the best sex of my life.”
“Exactly.” She nodded and her cheeks blushed over a bit, but she kept going. “Which is why I was
thinking, maybe we can do that again.”
“Do what again?”
“You know…” She combed her hands through her hair. “The whole banging thing. It’s been a long
time since I’ve felt something like that. I don’t want anything serious between us, obviously, but I
wouldn’t be against feeling that again.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “Are you asking me to be your fuck buddy?”
“What? No. That sounds inappropriate and wrong. It’s more like a fuck acquaintance,” she said,
making me laugh.
“That sounds so much better.”
“If you’re not interested—”
“Wait, what? Are you kidding? Of course, I’m interested. I’m just thrown off, that’s all. I honestly
expected that to be the last thing you’d say to me, seeing how you rushed out of my place that
afternoon, seemingly uninterested in reconnecting with me.”
“I know. I’m a complicated girl, but this thing between us doesn’t have to be complicated. There
just have to be a few rules in place before we start.”
“Rules? Like what?”
“For starters…it’s strictly physical. Nothing more, nothing less.”
I gave her a small smile. “Perhaps we can amend that rule down the line.”
“There will be no amendments.”
I fought back the frown that wanted to leave my lips. “Okay fine. What are the other rules?”
“It’s casual. If you’re in town, we can make it happen. If you’re not, we leave it alone.”
“Okay, sounds good. What else?”
“We don’t tell people about us. It’s a very private thing. Simply between the two of us. Also, we
don’t talk about our past. We simply focus on the present. We don’t go deep.”
I smirked. “Trust me, I’m going to go deep.”
She laughed, and I loved the sound so much more than I should’ve. “Lastly, I’m the only person
you’re sleeping with when you’re sleeping with me, and vice versa. If you sleep with someone else
during the down time, you have to tell me.”
“I won’t be sleeping with anyone else. I don’t want to sleep with anyone else.”
Her lips flashed with a small smile before she held her hand out toward me. “Then we have a
deal? We can be fuck acquaintances?”
I laughed at the term but held my hand out in her direction. “I think I can adhere to your
guidelines.”
We shook on it.
“This is good, because that means I can stop with the dreams I’ve been having,” she said, making
me cock another eyebrow.
“You’ve been having dreams about me?”
She bit her bottom lip and hid the grin that was trying to push itself out. “We don’t have to talk
about that.”
“Oh, but I really want to talk about that.”
She opened her car door and slid inside. “Too bad. Not going to happen.”
“So, when do we get started on this little arrangement?”
“There’s no time like the present. I would give you my address, but it appears you already know
where I live. So, if you happen to show up there in about thirty minutes, I wouldn’t fight letting you in.
Eleanor won’t be home tonight. She’s staying by Greyson’s. Oh!” She held a hand up. “That’s another
rule. No sleepovers ever.”
“I’ll race you there,” I joked, shoving my hands into my coat pockets.
“Good, and Landon?”
“Yes?”
“Bring your a-game. I don’t want the whiskey party to be the best sex I’ve ever had. I want better
each and every time.”
“Don’t worry, Chick. I’m bringing my a-game, along with some extra credit. There’s so much I
want to show you.”
I loved how shy she grew every now and then. She combed her hair behind her ears, and pulled
the door shut. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.”
Yes, she’d be seeing me soon, and I’d be tasting every piece of her.
Dr. Smith probably would’ve advised me against having a strictly sexual relationship with Shay.
He would’ve brought up all the reasons it would be a mistake down the line, but luckily Dr. Smith
didn’t have to know. There was no way I was going to pass up a way of connecting with Shay—even
if it was strictly physical.
Maybe down the line, that could change.
Maybe down the line, she’d think about letting me back into her heart and allowing me to stay for
a while.
 25

Shay

“J AMESON LANDON J ACOBS ,” Raine revealed twelve hours after Landon and I left the hospital.
Landon and I spent the night together doing anything but sleeping, and he wasn’t kidding about
bringing his a-game and extra credit along with him.
Landon rocked my world in every single direction possible, leaving me with sore legs and
blushing cheeks.
We’d only left my apartment when we received a text from Hank that Raine had delivered their
son. We headed over to the hospital right away to meet the bundle of joy.
Jameson was in the NICU, due to him entering the world early, but he was doing really well. The
four of us stood in his closed-off area and stared down at him as if he were the one brought into the
world to save humanity. He was perfect in every single way.
They named him Jameson, because Raine’s parents named her after the town she was born in. To
keep that tradition going, the two new parents named their son after the liquor he was conceived with.
Always keeping it classy.
“Landon?” Landon questioned, raising an eyebrow to our friends.
“Yes. We wanted to name him after his godfather. If you’re interested in that role at least,” Raine
said. “If not, let me know because I think I still have time to change his name,” she joked.
Landon smiled and looked down at Jameson. “It would be my honor.”
Hank turned to me and nudged me in the arm. “You best believe that his middle name would’ve
been Shay if he was a girl.”
I smiled. “I call dibs on the next little rascal.”
“That will be a long, long time away,” Raine sighed. She looked exhausted, but I assumed that
was what happened when you gave birth. I was pretty sure she’d be exhausted for the next eighteen
years. “But of course, you are the godmother. You have no say in turning down that role. It’s yours, so
deal with it.”
“I wouldn’t turn it down if my life depended on it.”
“Do you want to hold him?” Hank asked Landon.
“Can I?” A big smile fell against Landon’s lips, and I accidentally let a smile slip from my lips
just from seeing his.
I couldn’t help it, though. He looked so overwhelmingly happy.
“Of course, here.” Hank lifted his baby up into his arms and placed him into Landon’s. There was
something so genuine about the way Landon stared down at Jameson. It was the same way he stared at
Karla—as if he were looking at the brightest star in the world.
“You’ll never know a day of loneliness,” Landon whispered, placing his lips against Jameson’s
forehead.
In that moment, Jameson opened his crystal blue eyes for the first time since we’d arrived, and it
officially became the most beautiful moment in the history of ever.
There was something so wonderful about seeing a large man hold a tiny child in his arms.
The beautiful moment was ruined seconds later when Raine scrunched up her nose and made a
face. “Is it just me or does it smell like nasty sex in here?” she questioned. Then, her eyes moved
between Landon and me. A small smirk fell against her lips and she looked pleased as my cheeks
heated up more and more. “Oh. Never mind.”
I wasn’t certain whose face was redder in that moment—Landon’s or mine.

THE NEXT FEW days were hard for me.

It turned out the crazed coffee girl fiasco hadn’t settled down over the past week, and I was lucky
enough to go into the new year with people still tagging me online in their tacky humor.
Yup, that was right. The internet was so good at their stalking skills, they’d found out exactly who
I was, and where I lived. That was scarier than one would think. I found coffee beans spread across
the porch of my apartment building, along with a slew of iced latte cups. I was sure it was done by
immature kids and was supposed to be seen as some kind of joke, but it didn’t make me laugh.
I ended up staying a few nights at Mima’s place.
I was left with such a feeling of unease with people knowing who I was and thinking they had the
right to access me whenever they pleased.
That was why I always thought I’d want to go into screenwriting over acting. There seemed to be
a bit of mystery that came with being a writer. You were in the shadows instead of the limelight, and I
truly loved that idea. It turned out that I wasn’t made for the limelight, and the small fifteen minutes of
fame I’d been getting couldn’t have passed any sooner.
I had three job interviews under my belt, and I was feeling pretty hopeless going into the fourth
one that week. Each position brought up the fact that I’d been an internet meme and concluded that it
wouldn’t be a good fit. They couldn’t work with unstable employees. One employer even went as far
to say that I should’ve had more pride than to be fighting over Landon Pace. “He sleeps with
everyone, sweetheart. Not worth losing a job.”
Last time I checked, I was applying for a job, not to be scolded for fake news.
As I sat in the fourth interview at a cute coffee shop called, Beans & Things, I was pretty relieved
when fifteen minutes had passed during the interview, and the manager hadn’t brought up my dramatic
claim to fame.
“It looks like you have quite a few years in the barista career,” Matt exclaimed, scanning my
resume. “Is this a passion of yours?”
Serving coffee to people? No. Not a passion. But paying my rent was a passion, so I did what
most people did during interviews—I lied. “Oh, yes. I love interacting with individuals on a daily
basis. Plus, I know that people are much happier with a great cup of joe in their hands, and I like
being able to give them that joy. Nothing feels better than seeing a smile on their face as they walk
away with their order made perfectly. Plus, I’m fast, too. I can make drinks in my sleep, and I can
memorize your specialties in a heartbeat. This would be an amazing opportunity to work for your
business.”
Matt smiled, pleased by my answer. “Good, good. I’m glad to hear it. Now, there’s just one last
thing. A test, if you will.”
I nodded. “Sure, okay.”
He looked up to the counter where an employee was standing, and he called him over.
The employee walked over with a smirk on his face and an iced latte in his hand.
Oh, no.
He sat it down on the table, and Matt turned to look my way. “So, let’s say a customer walks into
the store, and you’re having a bad day. Say there’s an iced latte in front of you. What do you do with
said iced latte?”
My stomach dropped and my face heated up as Matt and the employee both began laughing at me.
I felt tears burning at the back of my eyes as they laughed straight in my face, as if I weren’t a human
anymore, yet just a stupid meme that was giving them a kick that afternoon.
I gathered my things, and stood to my feet, without offering them another word. When I made it to
my car, I sat inside and drove away.
As I drove, I let the tears began to fall.
At least there was no paparazzi around to capture my pain this time around.
Landon was in town for a few more days, and when I texted him to see if I could come over to
forget about my so-called-life for a while, he’d invited me over. In the past, when I felt any form of
anxiety, I’d go for a run to help me relax. Yet, there was nothing better than having Landon undress
me, and roam his hands all over my body. Each time he thrusted into me my mind went elsewhere, far
away from my current problems. I lost myself in him, the same way he’d used to lose himself in me
when we were younger.
An eye for an eye.
Weeks passed with our arrangement. He’d find himself in the neighborhood much more than he
should’ve, but I didn’t argue it. If he was going to fly into town for a random fling, then I was all
about it.
Each kiss felt like comfort, each orgasm rocked my world, and each day I kept reminding myself
that it was strictly physical. I wouldn’t become attached to him again like I used to be.
It was purely sex.
It was really great, mind-blowing, make you curl your toes, kind of sex. But still, just sex.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Even if that small corner of my naïve heart wanted it to be something more.
 26

Shay

“DO you think we can take a break from talking about character arcs to talk about something different,
Shay?” Karla asked, breaking me away from our current lesson plan. We’d been going on and on
about what makes a character stand out in a manuscript, and ways to make each character realistic. A
few of Karla’s characters were a little too perfect, so we were working to break them down.
Even heroes had their own set of flaws.
“Of course. What’s on your mind?”
“Well.” Her cheeks heated up and she shrugged her shoulders. “It’s kind about boys.”
“Ohh.” I swooned. “Tell me more.”
“There’s this boy at school named Brian. He’s so hot. Like, so hot. He used to be my best friend,
but after the accident, we’d stopped talking for a while. Recently he started talking to me again, and I
want to tell him I like him, but I don’t know how to do it. Plus, I doubt he’ll like me back in that way.
He’s pretty popular still, and I’m…well…not.”
I smiled at her as she sat there with rosy cheeks from her nerves. “On a scale of one to ten, how
much do you like him?”
“Like a hundred.” She giggled. It was so nice seeing this side of Karla. A side that wasn’t so
serious and heavy. A normal teenage crush.
“And he’s nice to you?”
“Oh yeah. He’s pretty much the only person at school who makes me not feel invisible.”
“That’s important. You want to be with a person who sees you and loves what he sees.”
“The other day, a few kids were bullying me, and Brian heard about it. Later that day, I found a
piece of candy in my locker with a note that said, ‘I’m sorry people are dicks. Here’s a Snickers.’”
She grinned cheek to cheek. “I knew it was from Brian, too. He’s nice like that.”
I smiled, thinking back to my high school days when I used to find gifts in my locker. Banana Laffy
Taffys.
A flurry of butterflies shot through my stomach from the memory, but I did my best to push them
away and focus solely on Karla’s situation. “Well, here’s the thing, Karla. Sometimes in life, you have
to take a leap of faith. If you want to tell this boy you like him, then don’t be afraid to do so. Be brave
and put yourself out there. If he isn’t interested that’s his loss. You’re a diamond, and he’d be lucky
enough to get close to watch you shine.”
She lowered her head and combed her hair behind her ear. When she looked up to me, she was
smiling and showcasing her beautiful scars. “Thanks, Shay.”
“Of course.”
“I think I might love him,” she confessed, fiddling with her fingers. “I don’t know for sure, but I
think I do.”
“Well, that’s even more reason to tell him how you feel.”
“How did you tell your boyfriend you liked him?”
I laughed. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“What?!” Her eyes bugged out of her eyes. “But you’re hot!”
“I appreciate the compliment, but still, I’m as single as they come.”
“Probably because you’re waiting for the right person. That’s why Uncle Landon doesn’t have a
girlfriend. He said he’s waiting for the right person to come back into his life. He said he used to love
a girl a long time ago, but it didn’t work out.”
My heart flipped, kicked, and screamed in my chest.
I tried my best to ignore it.
“Oh? Is that so?” I asked.
“Yeah. He’s never had a real girlfriend since then. My mom used to call him a manwhore and said
she worried that one day his penis would stop working.”
I snickered.
Luckily, said penis was still going strong.
“What about you? Have you ever been in love?” Karla asked, staring at me with those same eyes
as her father’s.
I sat back in my chair and took a breath. “Once. A long time ago.”
“What did it feel like?” Her eyes gleamed with wonderment, as if she were searching for clues to
see if what she felt for Brian was real love.
My hand massaged my left shoulder blade as I gathered my thoughts about what it felt like to be in
love all those years before. “It felt like ecstasy. Like I was floating through the world, and I wasn’t
afraid to fall because I was convinced there was going to be someone there to catch me. It felt
healing. I felt happy. So, so happy every time he crossed my mind. Sometimes, I’d be sitting in class
and I’d totally zone out on what the teacher was talking about, because I was thinking about him and
the next time I’d be able to see him.”
She sighed. “That’s what I feel when I’m around Brian. I think about him all the time, too.
Sometimes, I write my first name with his last name in my notebooks. I love him.”
“You’re a lucky girl, then.”
“That’s not lucky. I don’t know if he loves me back.”
“That’s okay, though. Anyone who experiences love in this lifetime is one of the lucky ones.”
She began picking at her fingernails. “A few of my old friends have been texting me about a party
coming up. They said Brian would be there, so I was thinking about going and maybe telling him
there.”
“I think that’s a great idea, Karla. And remember, no matter what happens after that, at least you
were brave enough to put yourself out there. If you’re ever given the chance to choose between being
afraid or being brave, please, Karla, be brave.”
She nodded and murmured the words to herself. “Be brave…” She smiled toward me, and I was
thankful that she no longer tried to hide her scars from me. Watching that young girl heal was healing
for my own soul. There was nothing more beautiful than watching someone find their way in life.
Karla deserved the world, and I hoped she wouldn’t stop trying until all of her wishes and dreams
came true.
“Okay,” she sighed, rubbing her hand against her cheek. “Now back to my characters.”

THE WEEKS PASSED BY, and my job search continued. I tried my best not to get disappointed, but to be
honest, I was starting to feel disheartened. A person could only be told ‘no’ so many times before it
started affecting their spirits.
Luckily, after yet another rejection, Landon was in town, so I was able to use him to clear my
head. He’d be in town for forty-eight hours. Twenty-four of those hours would checking in on
Greyson’s family, and he left the other twenty-four opened for me.
After yet another round of amazing sex with Landon, I excused myself to go take a quick shower
before we’d go at it again for yet another round of our sexcapades.
When I stepped out of the shower, wrapped in my towel, I discovered Landon holding one of my
scripts in his hand.
“What are you doing?” I exclaimed, snatching the paper from his grip. “That’s private.”
“That’s fucking amazing,” he breathed out. “Karla was right. You are beyond talented. I knew you
were good when we were younger, but Shay, those words are masterpieces.”
I felt my cheeks begin to heat up from his words, and I tried my best to push my emotions to the
side. “They’re okay.”
He laughed. “I think you’re just humble. You need to get some of these made into movies.”
“Easier said than done. Not everyone just magically has a career fall into their lap.”
“Touché. But if you give me a chance, I can show your script to someone. I can get it in the right
hands.”
I shook my head. “You’ve been saying that ever since we were young, but I still want to do it on
my own.” The last thing I wanted was for people to say Crazy Coffee Girl only got her rise to fame
because of a boy. I wanted to do it on my own merit.
I moved over to the bed with my towel still wrapped around my body.
“Okay, but if you ever change your mind, the offer stands.” He continued to rummage through the
scripts on my desk. “It’s just ironic,” he told me, placing the papers down on my desk before he
crawled back into bed to hover his body over mine. He pinned his hands over my shoulders, placed
his legs on the outskirts of mine, and studied my face. I hated when he did that. I hated when he stared
at me with such gentleness in his eyes. I hated the way he took me in and noted the curves of my face.
I hated how his eyes danced across my whole body, looking in awe at me. He studied the
imperfections of my skin. The extra pounds I’d gained over the years. Then, he’d bend down and kiss
every part that I deemed unworthy. Every part that made me doubt myself.
He’d kiss every inch of me and call me beautiful.
I hated how his words and touches made my cold heart flip.
“What’s ironic?” I whispered as he untied the towel from my body and moved it to the side of the
room. His lips grazed against my hipbones, creating chills down my spine.
“How you write love stories, yet you don’t believe in love.”
 I cocked an eyebrow. “I believe in love.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do”—I pushed myself up a bit on my elbows and locked eyes with him—“Like I said
before, I believe in love. It just doesn’t believe in me.”
Landon’s blue eyes softened, and he leaned back on his thighs, looking me up and down. “Then
why do you write about it?”
I swallowed hard, feeling more vulnerable than I’d allowed myself to feel around a man in a very
long time. If they saw you as gentle, they’d use your softness as a weakness. If they heard your voice
crack, they’d deem you fragile.
And then that heart of yours?
They’d shatter it.
I sat up more and wrapped my arms around his neck. “We don’t do this, Land,” I whispered,
brushing my lips against his.
His tongue slowly moved across my bottom lip before he gently bit it. “We don’t do what?”
“Conversate.”
He shut his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine. “We could, Shay. You could let me in.”
“I tried that once.” I shrugged. “It didn’t really work out for me.”
He grimaced. “I broke your heart all those years ago.”
“It doesn’t matter. We were stupid kids. That wasn’t real love. It was fiction.”
“Don’t underplay what we had, Shay. Don’t do that. That was the realistic thing I’d ever felt in my
whole life.”
Then why wasn’t I enough?
My chest tightened and I felt my emotions beginning to swirl as Landon was working his way into
my heart. A heart that I worked hard to keep closed-off from men—from him especially.
Stop it, heart, I ordered. Don’t you dare skip for the man who shattered you to pieces.
I reached down to his hardness and began stroking it as he shut his eyes. Then, I flipped him over
to his back and I leaned forward and began sucking it, loving the moans that escaped his lips. My
tongue ran up and down his shaft as he grew stiffer and stiffer in my hold. I loved that. I loved feeling
how my touch brought him pleasure. I loved seeing how his body reacted to me. I loved…
No, Shay.
No feelings needed.
It’s just sex.
I looked up to those blue, dilated eyes that looked ravished. He loved it, too. He loved when I
looked up at him with his hardness in my mouth, pleasing him. He loved that connection, and I
secretly craved it, too. In those moments, it almost felt as if we were one. As if the energy racing
through his veins was what was used to fuel my soul. We created sparks of life with just our touch.
He stared at me as if he had every plan to devour every single part of me. I slowly thumbed my
clit as he watched me. He pulled me up and flipped me onto the mattress, putting the control back in
his hands. He became wilder when he craved me, and I needed that. I needed the wildness of Landon,
not the calm. The calm made me think, the wild made me feel.
All I wanted was to feel him, to taste him, to fuck him.
It was nothing personal.
It couldn’t be.
I wouldn’t allow it.
“You want me to let you in?” I whispered, as his lips sucked against my neck.
 “Yes,” he hissed against my skin.
“Okay then.” I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him into me as he pressed his throbbing cock
against my opening. “Come on in.”
He slid into me hard, determined to fuck me harder than we’d fucked before, and I allowed him to
stay a while.
 27

Landon

I THOUGHT that the interactions with Shay were going well, up until I talked to Raine and learned Shay
had lost her job weeks prior because of me. She hadn’t been able to find a new form of employment,
either, which made me feel damn awful.
I was such an asshole.
Shay’s face had been broadcast all across the internet all because of me showing up at her place
of employment. The paparazzi wouldn’t have even been there if it weren’t for me, and due to that, she
hadn’t been able to land another job.
I knew better than to walk into establishments without being highly incognito, but was I wrong for
wanting to have one moment in my life not feeling as if I was caged to the tasks of celebrity?
I wanted a chance to see Shay and be normal with her again. To try to build up a friendship with
her after messing up so many years before. I was an idiot going to her place of employment, and now
she was jobless and a fucking internet meme.
She didn’t even tell me about her struggles, because we didn’t talk on that level. She didn’t let me
in.
I never wanted that for her. I knew what it felt like to be mocked online and bullied by trolls. Shay
didn’t deserve that. She was in a vulnerable position, and I was certain anyone would’ve reacted the
way she had with what that woman was saying to her. But, sadly, their breakdowns weren’t caught on
film.
I wracked my brain over and over, trying to figure out what I could’ve done to make this right. I
needed a way to fix the mess that Shay was slugging through, and the only thing that came to mind was
going back to the basics.
Back to the woman who taught Shay and I both so much about life.
“Sorry, we’re closing up for the night,” a sweet voice said as I pushed open the door to Harmony,
a yoga studio in downtown Chicago. It was a stunning studio, and the peace I felt walking inside was
overwhelming. Calming jazz music played over the speakers, and essential oils filled the space.
Lavender, I assumed.
“Maybe you can find about five minutes to talk to an old friend?” I said, making the older woman
turn around and look my way.
Shay’s grandmother, Maria, smiled ear to ear as she saw me. “Well, I’ll be…if it isn’t a blast
from the past.”
She didn’t hesitate to pull me into a tight embrace, and even though I stood almost a foot over her,
I melted into her arms, squeezing her back. “It’s good to see you, Maria.”
“You too, Landon.” She pulled back and slapped my chest. “But also, I’m mad at you. Just
disappearing all those years ago.”
She went straight in with no pause for a reunion.
“I know. I’m sorry. Those years were really tough for me.”
“Still, that wasn’t an excuse to just up and disappear. Even though I was very upset with you for
what you did to my granddaughter, I still worried. You know you were always like family to me.”
“And you were to me. I wish I had a better excuse for my actions, but I don’t. I went through a
dark phase in my life, Maria. I lost my way.”
“But you made it through that rough patch, yes?”
“I did. It took a lot of time, work, and therapy, but I did. There are still some hard days, with dark
thoughts, but I fight against them.”
“I always knew you’d make it to the other side of the darkness.”
“You believed in me when I couldn’t see a way, that’s for sure.”
She eyed me up and down and then a small, gentle smile fell against her lips as she placed a
comforting hand against my cheek. “How’s your heart?”
Three words. Three simple words and instantly I was that teenage boy who was so lost, standing
in front of a woman who’d so often helped me find my way. I slid my hands into my pockets and
cleared my throat. “Still beating.”
“Let me make us some tea,” she said, walking to the back room. “You can go wait in the studio,
we can sit, and breathe, and catch up.”
I did as she said.
Maria’s yoga studio was a true treat. It was spacious and felt exactly as the name would have one
assume it would feel—harmonious. I pulled down two of the yoga mats that were hanging against the
wall and lay them down on the wooden floor. When Maria came back, she held two cups of tea in her
hands, still wearing that smile of hers. She handed me a cup, and then took a seat on one of the mats. I
did the same.
It amazed me how youthful Maria still looked after all the years that had passed. Based on looks
alone, she could’ve been the same age that I left her at years before. I assumed yoga had been good to
her. Plus, she had a way of living a peaceful life—never letting negativity touch her too much.
“Even though it’s nice to see you, Landon, why do I get the idea that you’re here due to my
granddaughter?”
“You’ve always been pretty good at reading me.”
“What can I say? I’m a well-read woman.”
I smiled a little and took a sip of the tea. The warmth of the cup felt amazing against the palms of
my hands. “I need to make right of a situation. I mean, obviously there’s a lot of things I need to make
right when it comes to Shay. But the most recent is this whole coffee-gate fiasco. If it weren’t for me,
she wouldn’t have lost her job, and now the internet is losing its mind and mocking her nonstop. It’s
my fault the paparazzi was there. I should’ve never gone into that shop knowing how they follow me
around.”
“Did you tell her to throw the drink into that woman’s face?”
 “No, but—”
“Then it’s not your fault.”
“No, it is. Those people took videos of her because I was there.”
Maria arched an eyebrow. “Did you tell those people to follow you and take those videos?”
“Well, no.”
“Then it’s not your fault. I understand why you might think you are to blame for what happened in
that coffee shop, Landon, but this time the blame does not fall on you. It’s not your burden to carry.”
I rubbed the back of my neck and frowned. “For a split second on Christmas, it felt like Shay was
almost going to let me back in. I mean, obviously not in the same format as before, but we were
friendly with one another. Almost playful, and I screwed that up.”
“If at first you don’t succeed…” she murmured, grinning my way.
Try, try again.
Which was exactly what I planned to do.
I placed my cup of tea down on my yoga mat, reached into my back pocket, and pulled out my
wallet. “I’m filming in town over the next few months, and one of my costars is in need of a new
assistant while hers is on maternity leave. I passed on Shay’s name and thought it could be helpful
with getting her a new job. My costar is more than willing to help out. She needs to meet her this
week, though, since we start shooting. I need your help passing on the information to Shay. She won’t
accept it if she thinks it came from me. Not after what happened.”
Maria sipped her tea before setting it down and taking the piece of paper with a number on it.
“You really care about her still, don’t you?”
“I don’t think I ever stopped caring. I don’t think I ever will.”
“Well, I will do my best to get her to go in for an interview. I’ll be honest, though, my
granddaughter can be a bit stubborn sometimes.” She smiled wide. “She gets that from me.”
“As long as you try, that will be good enough for me. I can’t imagine not trying to fix this issue.
Even though you said it isn’t my fault, I still feel responsible.”
She reached across to me and took my hand into hers and patted. “I’ll make sure she gives it a go,
as long as you make two promises to me.”
“And what’s that?”
“Since you’re here in town for a while, you must come take a few yoga classes with me. Once a
week. I know you’re a hot shot actor, but if you can’t make time to slow down and breathe for an hour
a week, then you don’t really have time to do anything else. Deal?”
“Deal. And what’s the other promise?”
“You come by for Sunday dinner, like the good ol’ days. I’ll make your favorite.”
“Lasagna?”
“Lasagna,” she echoed. “I’ll even bake homemade bread.”
“Well, you had me at lasagna, and sealed the deal with the fresh baked bread.”
We go on to talk about life, and catch up for a little bit longer, before we both hug one more time
to say our goodbyes for the evening.
We walked out of the studio, and Maria locked up the door. I waited to walk her to her car. When
we approached it, I opened the door for her, and she slid inside. “Thank you, Landon.”
“Of course.” I held my hand on the door and hesitated. “Maria?”
“Yes?”
“Why have you been so kind to me? After what I’d done all those years ago, disappearing and
breaking Shay’s heart. Why are you being so welcoming?”
 She placed her key in the ignition and her car roared to life. “Because I know you’ve probably
beat yourself up enough for what happened, but lucky for all of us, you’re still here, and I get the
feeling you’re going to spend the rest of your life trying to make up for those mishaps.”
“Thank you. For everything.”
“Of course. Just don’t disappear again. This time I’ll track you down and beat your behind.”
 28

Shay

“WHAT DO you mean someone dropped this off at your studio?” I asked Mima as I gave her a
bewildered look. She called me over to come help her move a dresser, but when I arrived, she’d
already changed her mind about moving it, but she made us some coffee and cut me a slice of the
pound cake she made the day before.
“I mean exactly that. Someone came by the studio and put up the sign. It’s not uncommon for
people to hang up posters in my studio. It happens weekly. I kept this one for myself, because it
seemed like a perfect fit for you.”
“This is all it said? An email address?”
“Well, no. There was a bigger flyer, but I didn’t bother bringing it. It’s for a personal assistant job
on a movie set.”
“A movie for who?” I asked. “And who would I be assisting?”
Mima wave her hand in a dismissal fashion. “Shannon Sofia, you need to learn to just go with the
universe sometimes.”
I laughed. “I don’t even know what that means, Mima. You hand me a random email address, with
no name attached to it, and I’m supposed to email them to get in contact?”
“Yes. Exactly.”
What in the heck was going on?
“This smells fishy,” I said, narrowing my eyes.
“That’s just because I had tuna for lunch. Now go on, email the person and see what comes from
it. Just imagine working on a set, surrounded by movie stars. You’ve always wanted to be in the film
industry. I can’t in my life see how this couldn’t be a good thing.”
“Well, it sounds more like some kind of porno film, seeing how it’s so vague.”
“Yes, well,” Mima cut me another slice of pound cake and placed it on my plate, “Porn stars need
assistants, too.”
“Mima!” I gasped.
“What? It’s true. Now do your grandmother the favor and email that person. Who knows? This
might be the beginning of something special, Shay. You have to open your doors to new possibilities.
When God gives you an olive branch, take it.”
“I don’t know…”
She pointed a stern finger at me. “That’s why you need to start going to church with me again.
You’re losing faith. Just believe in this for the next forty-eight hours, all right? And if nothing comes
of it, nothing comes. But don’t disrespect God’s blessings.”
“Okay, I’ll email them. Will that make you happy?”
“The happiest.”

I WAS glad to learn that the job interview wasn’t for a porn studio. After a few emails back and forth
with Lane, the current assistant of the actress I’d be working for, I was a bit stunned that she was so
quick to give me the information for the shoot. I was instructed to go to the shooting location and meet
Lane there so she could take me to the interview.
Christ. I was on a studio set.
Not even a broken-down porn set, but a real life, real movie making set.
It was unbelievable.
There was a lot of hustle and bustle around me. It appeared as if everyone was running around in
circles, getting tasks done. From the outside looking in, it appeared as if it were a train wreck, but
shockingly enough, everyone moved as if they knew exactly when to get out of the way, and when to
step in. An organized chaos.
“Shay?” a voice called.
I turned to see a very pregnant looking woman walking toward me. She looked stunning from head
to toe, and wore high heels, even though it looked as if they were killing her feet.
I smiled. “Yes, that’s me.”
She held a hand out and I shook it. “I’m Lane. I’m so glad you’re here. I want to get you in to meet
Sarah as soon as possible before she has to start her morning shoot. She’s in hair and makeup in her
trailer, so we can hop over there and get things going.”
I felt my cheeks heat. “This is all so insane.”
Lane gave me a kind smile while placing her hands on her hips. “First time on a set?”
“Yes.”
“I could tell. I still see the stars in your eyes. Don’t worry, you get used to it. Just move around as
if you belong and no one will think differently—they are too busy minding their own business.”
We began walking toward the actor trailers, and my stomach was in full knots the closer we grew.
“I know it’s probably odd to hold an interview in a trailer, but Sarah likes to have a chance to
really get to know someone and feel their energy and all that jazz.” She leaned into me and lowered
her voice. “She’s recently watching a video on crystals and went full blown hippie mode on me over
the past two years. Don’t be freaked out if she asks you to hold one of her stones. It’s just you know,
famous people doing weird famous stuff.”
I chuckled. “I’ll hold anything she hands my way.”
“Good to know. Otherwise, my advice? Just be yourself. Sarah will probably have a million
questions for you. She really likes to get a good idea of who she’s working with.”
“That’s fine. I’m an open book. Or, an open script, I should say. Nothing to hide here.”
“Wonderful. Besides, if you had something to hide, Sarah would find it. Okay, here we are,” Lane
said, stopping in front of a trailer. I stared at the name against the door, and I am instantly sent back in
time.
Sarah. Freaking. Sims.
The woman Landon dated after he finished dragging my heart through the mud.
Also, my favorite actress of all time.
I was going to vomit.
“Wait. I’m interviewing with Sarah Sims?” I choked out, my heart in my throat. “Like the Sarah
Sims?”
Lane nodded. “Yes. Sorry, I thought I’d mentioned that earlier.”
“You definitely didn’t mention that earlier.”
“I hope that isn’t a problem?”
I shook my head, trying to regain my composure. “No, of course not. I just didn’t expect it to be
her, that’s all.”
Lane’s worried expression dissipated as she nodded. “Oh, yes. Well, when we bring in PAs for
actors, we try to keep the name of the individual under wraps. It keeps fanatics away.”
“Right, of course.”
“Wait here and let me check if Sarah is ready.” I stood still outside of the trailer as Lane hurried
inside. When she popped her head back in, she waved me over. “Come on in, Shay.”
I walked up the steps of the trailer, and to my surprise, it was much bigger than I assumed from the
outside looking in. There was a large sofa, small kitchen with a mini fridge, and a dining room table.
Toward the back of the trailer was an area for hair and makeup, which was where Sarah currently
was standing.
“Oh my gosh, you must be Shay!” she exclaimed, standing up with rollers still in her hair as her
small frame was wrapped in a robe. “Get in here,” she said, waving me in for a hug.
I wrapped my arms around her, and even though it was the weirdest moment of my life, it was
truly exciting, too.
“It’s nice to meet you,” she said, pulling back to give me a once-over. “What’s your zodiac sign?”
she asked.
“Uh, um, Aquarius,” I said, being thrown off by her question.
“Oh yes, I get that vibe from you. You are definitely an Aquarius. It feels good to be around your
energy. I’m a Gemini, so it makes sense why it feels this good.”
I smiled, not having a dang clue in the world what she was going on about. “Yeah, totally.”
She placed her hands against my cheeks and stared at me for five minutes too long, and I tried my
best to not be completely thrown off by the odd exchange. But honestly, how could I not be? It was…
weird. To say the least.
“Can you do something for me?” she asked, finally dropping her hold against my face.
“Sure, of course.”
“Can you hold my balls?”
Uh, come again?
“Excuse me?” I hoped I had a decent poker face, because having Sarah Freaking Sims ask me to
hold her balls felt extremely awkward.
“Well, my crystals. I like to call them my balls, seeing how I like to rub them more than a pair of
actual balls.” She winked.
I relaxed a little more. Sure, Sarah was odd, but at the same time she was kind of charming. In a
very weird way.
 She walked over to her table, grabbed her balls, and came back to me. I held my hands out and
she placed them in my hands, wrapping my fingers around her cryst—err—balls.
She stepped back, clasping her hands together, grinning at me as if she were a proud mama
watching her kid’s graduation.
“How does it feel?” she questioned, her eyes wide with intrigue.
“Um,” I hesitated, completely unaware of how I was supposed to answer that.
She waved her hand at me. “There is no wrong answer. Go on. Just first thing that pops into your
mind.”
“Well, they are…warm.”
“Yes.” She sighed, pleased by my answer. “My balls are warm.”
Good Lord, was I being Punk’d? Was Ashton Kutcher about to pop out of the trailer bathroom?
“What else, Shay?”
“Smooth. They are smooth.”
“Soo freaking smooth,” she moaned, way too into this than she should’ve been. “Now hum to
them.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“You know, hum. Close your eyes and hum. Then lightly blow on my balls.”
That awkward moment when you found out that one of your idols was a freaking psychopath.
But alas, I was in need of a job, and if that meant humming to two balls, then by all means was I
going to hum my heart out.
I shut my eyes and right as I was about to push my lips together to hum out a tune, chuckling
erupted in the room.
I opened my eyes and raised an eyebrow as Sarah, her hair designer, and her makeup artist all
stood there laughing at me.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, just a joke. We don’t hum at the stones. That would be silly. I just wanted to
see how far you’d be willing to go with my crazy requests.”
I breathed out a breath of air. “Oh, well, okay.” Obviously, I’d go as far as blowing on her balls.
That was the level of desperate I was sitting at.
“I think we are going to have fun working together,” Sarah remarked, taking the stones from my
hands. “And it’s clear that you have a lot of dedication, so I think we’ll get along just fine. Have a
seat, and I’ll give you the list of tasks that Lane typed up for you.”
“I’m sorry, are we not…interviewing for the position?”
“Interviewing? Oh no, honey, you’ve already been hired.” She cocked an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, I
thought I made that clear. It wasn’t much of a question that you’d be hired, since your name was given
to us by one of my favorite people.”
“I’m sorry, given to you?”
“Yes. You came with the highest referral. Honestly, with your background in being a barista, and
your coffee girl latte crazy fiasco, I was even more excited to work with you. I mean, if I had a dollar
for every time a terrible story about me went viral, I’d be rich.” She paused. “—Er. I’d be richer.
Anyway, I really trust you, seeing how Landon spoke so highly.”
My stomach dropped. “Did you say Landon?”
“Yes. He said you were an old friend, and honestly, I’ll do anything to get in his good graces.”
She took a seat at the table and patted the chair beside her. “Plus, since you have history with him, I
figured you could give me some insider information?”
“What do you mean?” My mind was still spinning from the idea that Landon was the one who
lined up the job for me. Why would he do that?
“Well, you know,” she licked her lips then bit her bottom one. “It’s no secret that Landon is a
dreamboat. I’ve been trying for years to hook up with him, but it never really worked out.”
“What? I thought you two dated years ago. Back when your film came out?” I asked, trying to keep
my question as calm as ever, even though my heart was pounding against my chest, trying to leap out
of my body.
Sarah waved a hand at me. “Oh, I wish. That was just some promo mumbo jumbo because Landon
got himself into a bit of a dramatic pickle back then. But you probably know all about that, being such
an important part of his life.”
I sat up in my chair, confused as ever. “Yes, of course. Right.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I tried with him back then, but he wasn’t having it. He was too hung up on
some high school sweetheart or something. I swore, he’d sit on set every single day, writing her love
letters in a notebook like a love-sick fool. I’d never seen anything like it.”
He wrote me letters?
The emotions sitting at the back of my eyes was intense, and I did my best trying to blink it all
away.
“He wrote letters on set?” I asked, my voice cracking, but Sarah was too much in her own la-la
land to even notice.
“I swore, he filled notebook after notebook for that girl. I’m surprised they didn’t end up together.
If someone was that obsessed with me, I’d marry them in a heartbeat.”
“Did he ever say what happened between them?”
“No. Just that she was better off without him and his baggage.”
There were so many missing pieces to the puzzle of Landon and my past, I wasn’t even sure what
to think of it all.
“Thankfully, it didn’t work out for the two of them. Leaves more of a chance for me to reconnect
with him. The production company wants to push that narrative again this time around—the ‘old
lovers rekindle their flame’ which is fine by me. Only this time, I don’t want it to be a fake love story.
I want Landon to really fall for me, and it’s going to be so much easier with your help.”
“My help?”
“Yes! Of course. It seems you two must be close, so perhaps you can give me pointers on Landon.
Help me get to know some of what he’s into. His likes, his dislikes.”
“I don’t know…” I started. “Maybe that should be something you do—grow the connection
yourself.”
“I would, but I don’t have much time with my schedule.”
“We haven’t really connected in a while,” I confessed. “I can’t really say much about what he’s
into and whatnot.”
“That’s fine. You have time to learn.” She took my hands into hers and squeezed them. “I think this
is going to be magical. Don’t you?”
“You can say that much,” I huffed, pushing out a smile.
“Okay, now come on. Let’s hold the balls again.”
 29

Landon

“YOU USED Mima to get to me?!” a voice barked as I stood outside of my trailer flipping through my
script. I looked up to see Shay storming my way. The closer she grew, the more I noticed her nose
flaring and the crinkles that sat deep in her forehead. “Are you kidding me, Landon?”
“I figured you wouldn’t take the position if I handed it to you, but I wanted to help after everything
I did. I felt really shitty for the way you lost your job because of me showing up to your place of
employment. Everything spiraled so fast, that I didn’t want to be the cause of you being stuck without
a job.”
She sighed. “I would’ve lost the job with or without you there.”
“Yes, but you wouldn’t have been mocked across the internet because of it. It would’ve been
swept under the rug, but because of me and who I am, people were there to capture a really shitty
situation. I needed to do something to right that, Shay. I needed to fix that.”
Her brows lowered. “By making me work with your ex-girlfriend?”
I shook my head. “Sarah was never my girlfriend. I know how it was showcased way back then,
but that was all business. We never had a connection on that level.”
“Why would you make it appear as you did?”
That felt like a loaded question, and I wasn’t sure how to even tackle it without my mind wanting
to spiral out of control. I tried my best not to think back to that period of my life when things went to
complete shit.
Shay frowned, seeing the reservation I had on answering the question. She shifted around in her
shoes. “Sarah’s a lot…odder than I thought.”
I laughed, a breath of relief running through me. “Did she ask you to hold her balls?”
“Her big, smooth balls,” she bellowed. “And she also told me each one was over four thousand
dollars. You know your life is okay if you can spend four thousand dollars on a crystal.”
“It’s no secret that Sarah is pretty well off.”
The sun beamed against her as she faced me, and she shielded it with her hand, narrowing her
eyes. “I think this is the first time it’s actually setting in for me that you’re a true-blue actor.”
I chuckled. “You mean running from the paparazzi wasn’t enough to prove it?”
 “Don’t get me wrong that was insane, but actually seeing you on a set with your name on a
trailer… I don’t know. This makes it more real to me.”
I nodded. “Who would’ve thought that a fucked-up kid like me would’ve ever made it here?”
“Me,” she softly said, a slight curve to her lips. “I would’ve thought it.”
The energy between us intensified from her words, and all I wanted to do was step forward and
wrap my arms around her and never fucking let go.
I held off on doing such a thing. She still had her walls up with me. I didn’t want to keep trying to
knock them down without her permission.
“You deserve to be here more than I do,” I said, meaning it, too.
“Yeah, but as it turns out I am here because of you. And for the record, I would’ve taken the job if
you’d given me the opportunity. I would’ve been super stubborn about it—but I would’ve given in
after a while.”
“Good to know.”
She shook her head a little in disbelief. “You truly used my grandmother to do your dirty work,
unbelievable.”
“She was oddly easy to convince.”
“Not shocking,” Shay mentioned. “She always had a soft place in her heart for you.”
“I can’t say that about a lot of people,” I joked.
“I can say it at least about two,” she replied.
Was that…?
Was that a glimmer of light in her eyes? Did she reveal that there was still a soft place in her heart
for me? Why did I feel like crying and leaping for joy like a damn fool?
Keep it cool, Landon. Act natural.
“Okay, well, I better get back to Sarah. She’s going to walk me through a meditation of sorts. But,
before I go, I have to ask you something really important.”
I took in a breath. “Shoot.”
Shay gave me a slight grin. “How many crystals do you have?”
I brushed my thumb against the tip of my nose. “Oh, you know, only about three or four dozen.
Nothing too crazy.”
She laughed.
God, she laughed, and I wanted to bottle up the sound and release it on my saddest of days
because I was certain that her laugh would always make me smile, even at my lowest.
“I owe you, Landon,” she said, walking backward.
“For what?”
She looked around, wide-eyed and completely in awe of her surroundings. Her hands fell against
her chest as she locked her stare with mine and stole my breath away. “Making this dream come true.”
Anytime, brown eyes.
Anytime.
“But just to be clear, this doesn’t mean I don’t still hate you, because I do,” she said, with a
sparkle in her eyes.
“Of course. I hate you, too.”
She smiled, because she knew it was a lie.
I could never hate her, even if I tried.
“I WISHED I had a guy who was so into me that he’d get me a job on a set of a major motion feature,”
Willow remarked as we sat in my trailer later that afternoon.
She was typing nonstop, probably updating my social media, as I bit into the sandwich she’d
brought for me. “It’s not that big of a deal,” I said, shrugging it off. “She deserved it.”
“And you deserve her.” Willow smiled, looking up from her phone. “I’ve worked for you for a
very long time, Landon, and never in my life have I seen you look at anyone the way you look at Shay.
Why don’t you give it another go with her?”
I laughed. As if it were that easy. “You know the story, Willow. Shay and my story didn’t end on
the best of terms.”
“Maybe that wasn’t the ending,” she disagreed. “Maybe that was just the middle. Why would the
universe bring you back together if you weren’t meant to finish your story?”
A torch of fire raced through me. “You’ve been hanging around Sarah and her hippie-dippie
persona too much with your talk about the universe bringing people together.”
“All I’m saying is, if I had something that made me as happy as she appears to make you, I
wouldn’t let it go.” She walked over and snatched my pickle from the sandwich container. “People
don’t get second chances at love, Landon. Don’t blow yours.”

THE FOLLOWING S UNDAY, I headed over to Maria’s for dinner, fully prepared to have my mind blown
by her lasagna. I missed her homecooked meals so much, but not as much as I missed our Sundays
together. For a long part of my life, those Sunday dinners saved me from falling too deep into my
depression. Maria hadn’t known how much of a lifeline she’d been for me during my darkest days.
“Is it just me, or does it smell like heaven in here?” I remarked as Maria opened her apartment
door for me. I held a bottle of red wine in my grip and held it out to her. “I’m sure you already had a
drink picked out, but I figured it would be rude to not show up with a bottle.”
“Oh, this looks fancy. It will go great with everything. Thank you. Now come in, come in, make
yourself at home.”
I did as she said, taking off my shoes as I walked inside.
Maria’s home felt so welcoming, just like the woman who lived inside of it.
“Shay and Camila should be on their way soon enough,” she explained. “One or both are always
running behind.”
“Did you tell them I was joining you all?”
“I figured it would be a nice surprise,” she said, heading back to the kitchen to finish preparing
the meal.
Oh boy. I wasn’t sure how either of the two were going to take to me joining their dinner party. It
was no secret that Camila wasn’t my biggest fan when I was a teenager, and I was certain she’d hated
me even more after things went south with Shay. I wouldn’t hold it against her if she hated me
completely.
Then there was Shay. Sure, we’d spent the past few days on set together, but I wasn’t certain we
were to the point of having Sunday dinners with one another. She was letting me in a little at a time,
and I didn’t feel right crashing into her world too much. I wanted to work my way back in, but I didn’t
want to seem desperate—even though I was. I wanted her back in my life to the extreme, but I also
knew I didn’t want to scare her off at all.
“I put out a photo album on the living room table if you want to give it a flip through it to see some
adorable photographs of Shay while I finish setting the table.”
Don’t mind if I do.
I hurried to the couch and picked up the album. As I began flipping through it, the widest smile in
the world fell to my lips as I studied a young Shay, riding a pony. She looked absolutely terrified by
the whole situation, which made the picture that much better. The next one was an awful elementary
school photograph with her hair in two messy pigtails. I couldn’t help but snicker at the sight of it.
Even though it was a bad, bad picture, it was so perfect.
She was an adorable kid.
I used to wonder what she looked like as a child, and wonder what our kids would look like if we
had any.
As I flipped through the photos, the doorbell rang, and Maria hurried to let the new arrivals in.
My head was down as I heard a voice piercing through the air.
“OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THIS PLACE! IT’S SO QUAINT!” the woman expressed, her voice
rocking through the apartment.
The moment I heard the sound, I knew exactly who it was coming from. What I didn’t know was
why that voice was in Maria’s home.
I stood from the couch and turned around to see Sarah standing there, wide-eyed and bushytailed.
Shay walked in after her, and confusion swirled in my stomach as I took in the situation.
The moment the two women looked up in my direction, shock hit both of them.
“Oh my gosh, Landon, what are you doing here?” Sarah gleamed, shooting over to give me a hug.
I hugged her quick and dropped my embrace quickly. “Maria invited me over for dinner a few
days ago.”
“Really?” Shay asked, eyeing her grandmother. “That’s funny, she hadn’t mentioned it to me.”
“The same way you didn’t mention you were bringing a friend,” Maria shot back at her
granddaughter before giving her a kiss on the cheek. “But the more the merrier I always say.”
“I hope it’s all right?” Sarah asked. “I was supposed to fly out to New York, but my flight was
canceled due to the weather, so I would’ve been stuck in the hotel for the evening. Shay was going on
about how she always spent Sunday’s at your house, and the way she went on and on about your
cooking just made me want to invite myself over.” She eyed me up and down. “It’s even better now
that there’s a surprise guest.”
Shay’s phone went off, and she was quick to answer the message that came through. “It seems
Mom is running late. Bella chewed through her favorite pair of shoes, so she said they’d be late.”
“And she thought a dog would be better than a man,” Maria remarked, making me raise an
eyebrow, but I wouldn’t question the question. That seemed right up there on the ‘none of my damn
business’ category.
“Well, we’ll set a spot at the table once she and Bella show up,” Maria said. “For now, let’s all
go sit to eat before the food gets cold.”
We all did as she said, and as she went around the room serving each one of us, she smiled
toward Sarah. “So, Sarah. You’re an actor, too?”
“Yes. I’ve been in the business since I was four years old. I come from a family of artists. We’ve
all been in the film world, dating back to my great-great grandfather. Oh,” Sarah held her hand up in
front of Maria right before she was about to put the food on her plate. “I’m sorry, is there pasta in
that?”
Maria raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking if there’s pasta in lasagna?”
“Yes, sorry. I should’ve mentioned I’m working on being low carb. I can’t have noodles of any
kind.” She smiled brightly at Maria. “Do you have any pieces that are a bit less noodle-y?”
The blank stare Maria gave to Sarah almost made me burst out in laughter. Shay had to turn away
to hide her chuckles.
Maria was her calm, sweet self and said, “I can pick the noodles out for you.”
What a waste of a perfectly great piece of lasagna.
As we all began to eat, the conversation took a minute to take off. It would’ve been better if Sarah
wasn’t there, but it felt as if there was a roadblock keeping me from connecting with Maria and Shay.
It was a shame, because I was truly looking forward to the chance to reconnect.
Instead, we were listening to Sarah go on and on about crystals and how it was so important to
charge them out in the moonlight, or something along those lines. If I were honest, I’d zoned out when
she began telling the differences between quartz crystals.
“Anyway, I’m interested to know more about my costar as a teenager,” Sarah said, nudging me
with her arm and breaking me out of my thoughts. Thoughts that had been solely on Shay. She looked
over to Shay with wonderment. “What was he like in high school?”
I snickered, grabbing yet another slice of lasagna. “You don’t want to be bored with those details.
Trust me.”
“Oh, but I do. I love learning more about my costars. Years before, you were so wrapped up with
your girlfriend at the time—even post breakup—that I didn’t get a chance to really get to know you.
I’d love to now. So come on, Shay.” She closed her hands together and gleamed. “Do share the
stories.”
Shay laughed uncomfortably and shifted around in her chair. “Do you want to know before when I
hated him or after?”
Sarah’s eyes widened with excitement. “Oh my gosh! You two hated each other before you
became friends? Tell me, tell me!”
“Well, there’s not much to tell. Landon and I butted heads for a million reasons,” she said.
“Mainly because he thought I was someone I wasn’t, and I thought the same about him. Then,
overtime, we became…” her words faded off and she glanced down at the fork in her hands, swirling
it in her pasta. She rose her head toward Sarah. “You want to know who he was as a kid?”
Sarah nodded greedily.
“Landon was a jerk. A big fat, freaking jerk. He treated people awfully and me even worse. He’d
walk into school with this bad boy persona and would act like he didn’t care about anything or
anyone—except for his core four friends.”
“Ohh.” Sarah swooned. “A bad boy. Me likey. Go on.”
“And just when you thought the bad boy couldn’t get better…” Shay locked eyes with me and the
smallest smile fell against her lips. “He does. He opens up and truthfully is this kind, giving person
who’d just had his walls up—for good reason. And once you knocked them down, he’d come rushing
into your life with so much love and care that you hardly knew what to do with it. Landon as a
teenager was complex. Broken, but somehow whole. Angry, yet so unbelievably gentle. And one of
the best people I’d ever known in my life. Landon was the kind of boy any girl could’ve fallen head
over heels with. I knew one girl who did exactly that. And rumor has it, that she never fully
recovered.”
Her words pierced me and I wanted to both hug her so tight and kiss her so hard. There was so
much emotion floating back and forth between us that I was certain the whole damn room could tell
about the powerful connection we once shared.
All except Sarah, who seemed to have it go all over her head. “Wow. He sounded amazing. I
would’ve loved to know you as a youth,” she said, leaning into me and touching my inner upper thigh.
Like wayyy upper and wayyy inner.
What the actual fuck?
My eyes landed on her hand and I gave her a half-smile as I took my hand on top of hers and
relocated her grip to the table. “I wasn’t that great.”
I looked across the room and noticed Shay noticing the grip that Sarah had against my leg before
she shyly looked away.
Don’t think too much into that.
The room grew quiet, and the air thick with questions about what to say.
“So,” Maria took charge, cleared her throat and stood to her feet. “Who’s ready for dessert?”
Just then, the front door opened, and Camila came barging into the room. “Sorry we’re late!” she
exclaimed, the biggest grin on her face known to mankind.
I waited to see her dog, Bella, trotting in behind her, but instead a full-grown man walked in with
two bottles of wine and a huge grin on his face.
Everyone’s eyes were wide as we all stared at the stranger.
“Who are you?” Maria asked, looking at the man.
He gave her the friendliest smile, and hurried over to her side. He placed the bottles of wine on
the table and pulled Maria into a hug. “Oh my gosh, you must be Camila’s mother. Though, that’s
shocking, seeing as how you look old enough to be her sister.”
Maria seemed a bit confused by the whole interaction, but her cheeks flustered a bit with color
from the compliment. “Well, thank you. But again, who are you?”
“Oh, right.” He stood tall and smoothed out his suit. “I’m David.”
“David,” Shay said, echoing his name.
“Yes, his name is David,” Camila said, grinning wider than I’d ever seen her grin. “He’s my
fiancé.”
 30

Shay

WHAT IN THE actual hell was going on? A stranger currently stood tall in Mima’s dining room—David
apparently—and was claiming to be my mother’s fiancé.
I cocked an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, what?”
“He’s my fiancé,” Mom said, confident as ever. As if she didn’t hear how ridiculously ludicrous
the words leaving her mouth were. My mother didn’t have a fiancé. Heck, my mother didn’t even have
a boyfriend. My mother was the freaking CEO of WWLTHMC—Women Who Love to Hate Men
Club. She didn’t date men, she passionately hated them.
The odd pairing moved in toward everyone and cuddled against each other. My mother’s body
was against a man.
Again—what in the actual hell was going on?
“Uh, I can tell that this seems like a private matter, so perhaps Sarah and I should get going,”
Landon said, standing from his seat.
“Probably a good idea,” Mima agreed.
“Oh, Landon! Can you give me a drive back to my place? I rode with Shay, and obviously she’s
too busy to take me,” Sarah commented as she rubbed his arm up and down. I almost rolled my eyes
right in her face, but I held it in.
Besides, I was still stuck on the fact that a man named David was standing in my grandmother’s
house.
“Of course,” Landon agreed. The two said their goodbyes to everyone and hurried away, leaving
the four of us to talk.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know other people were going to be here,” Mom commented. “If I did, we
would’ve brought more wine.”
“What do you mean you’re engaged!” Mima shouted, ignoring Mom’s words.
Mom’s face turned a nice shade of red as David took her hand into his. “I didn’t know how to tell
you guys, but we’ve been dating for a while.”
“How long is a while?” I asked.
“Three months,” Mom replied.
 “Three months?!” I gasped. “And you didn’t even tell us you were dating someone?!”
“Okay, miss nine-months-pregnant relationship that no one knew about for the longest, I doubt you
have much say on the subject,” Mima cut in, pointing me out for my flawed comment.
Touché, touché.
“But how did you meet?” Mima asked, taking a seat at the table. She gestured for the two to do the
same, and they did.
“Well, when I went to pick up Bella three months ago, there seemed to be some confusion on the
paperwork. It seemed that David was also promised my sweet Bella. He showed up at the same time
as I did, and of course I was furious. I mean, you know how much I loved Bella the minute I saw her.”
“Yes, it was a little too much if you asked me,” Mima added in. “But continue.”
“Yes, well, David was just as passionate about the situation. So, we came to an agreement that we
would co-parent Bella.”
Oh, for the love of God. Is this real life?
“And one night, when it was my turn to drop Bella off, I realized Camila had a terrible cold. I’m a
doctor and—”
“A doctor?!” Mima beamed, her eyes growing wider with joy. “Go on!”
David bashfully continued. “Yes, well, I’m a doctor, and I was trying to help prescribe her
something to make her feel better. But you know Camila. She’s a bit hard to give advice. Especially
when said advice is coming from a man. But, I insisted. We bickered back and forth for a while, and
she finally told me that she was a nurse and she could take care of herself. I told her just because she
could take care of herself, didn’t mean she had to. Long story short, it turned out we worked at the
same hospital, we fell in love over debates and bad coffee from vending machines, I asked her to
marry me, she said yes, and here we are! Meeting the family!” He turned to me with the biggest smile.
“By the way, Shay, hi. It’s so nice to meet you. Camila has gone on and on about how amazing you
are.”
I gave him the blankest of stares known to mankind.
“Well, this is so exciting! Let’s open up the wine to celebrate!” Mima said, as if she didn’t just
hear the most horrifying story of her life.
“Wait, no. You two aren’t really engaged. What’s going on for real? Mom, you wouldn’t just
marry someone you don’t know.”
“You’re right. I wouldn’t. But I do know David. I feel like I’ve known him all my life.”
“That’s ridiculous and childish,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief. “I’m sorry, but I’m not
going to play along with this.”
“Shannon Sofia, watch your tone,” Mima ordered.
“I’m sorry, Mima, but this is insane. You’re making a mistake, Mom. A massive mistake. It’s clear
that he’s trying to get something from you. He wouldn’t just want to marry you.”
The moment the words left my mouth, I tasted the bitterness of them. Mom’s eyes watered over.
“And why’s that, Shay? Because I’m not good enough?” she asked.
“No. Stop. That came out wrong. What I meant was, no one should get engaged that soon. You
need more time to see how he’ll let you down.”
“Shay.” Mima sighed. “Not every man is the devil.”
“Yes, but they can all hurt you the same way the devil can.”
“When did you become this way, Shay? When did you become so cold?” Mom asked, leaving me
baffled.
“Are you kidding, Mom? Everything I’ve learned about hating men, I’d learned from you.”
 What was I saying?
How were those words falling from my mouth?
When did I become so cruel?
The tears sitting at the back of Mom’s eyes began rolling down her cheeks, and David was quick
to soothe her. Mima was staring at me with shock in her eyes.
“You know what, Shannon Sofia, maybe you should go if you are going to have that attitude. This
is a joyous occasion, and I won’t let you ruin this for your mother.”
I hadn’t known what to say, because Mima was right. I should’ve left, because nothing about me
was feeling joyful in that moment. I felt confused. Betrayed.
Mom spent years expressing how men were evil. How could she just up and change her mind one
day, and act as if it was normal?
I gathered my things, and left my grandmother’s apartment, murmuring an apology on my way out.
“Shay, wait!” a voice called after me as I was walking down the hallway.
I turned to see David chasing after me. A knot formed in my stomach as he approached me, and I
pulled my purse closer to my chest.
“Yes?”
He rubbed his hand against his full salt-and-pepper colored beard and sighed. “I know you don’t
trust me. You have every reason to be wary. You don’t know me from Dick or Jane, and I get that. I am
a complete stranger to you, but I promise on everything that I am that I love your mother. I love her so
much in ways that I didn’t know love could exist, and I will spend forever proving to both her and
you that my love is true.”
I wished I could believe him, but I still hadn’t a clue who he was, other than a man my mother met
three months prior. “I’m sorry, this is just too much for me. You have no clue what my family has been
through.”
“I know. I only know the things Camila has shared with me about your father, and your
grandfather, and I know that there is a lot of trauma there. But I swear, I’m not them. I’ll work to
prove it to you, but I want you to know that I’m okay with you not trusting me right off the bat. Trust is
earned, not given. So, take as much time as you need.”
I didn’t say another word to him, because I didn’t know what to speak. My mind was running a
million miles an hour and didn’t seem to be planning on slowing down any time soon.
I left my grandmother’s with heavy guilt sitting on my chest for making my mother cry. I couldn’t
give her my blessing, though. Not when she was falling in love with a complete stranger.
The next day, I did my best to shake Mom’s and David’s engagement news from my mind. Lucky
for me, Sarah kept me busy at work.
“I need you to run lines with him,” Sarah instructed me after she finished getting ready in hair and
makeup. She’d just spent the past hour going on and on about how her body was beyond bloated due
to Mima’s epic Sunday dinner. I hoped I never lived a life where carbohydrates weren’t allowed.
If it came down to it, I’d rather die fat, with a smile, and a Twix candy bar in my mouth.
Any other way seemed too torturous. What was I supposed to do? Die with a salad? What would
my tombstone read? Here lies Shay Gable. She lived her life under one thousand calories and never
enjoyed a Snickers.
What a sad, sad life lived.
“What do you mean run lines with him?” I asked, sitting at her table.
“You know—run lines,” she echoed, as if I were deaf or straight up dumb. “He asked me to do so
with him the other day, but I’m too busy. I have a reiki master coming in to give me a session, but he
needs someone to run lines with him.”
“Can’t his assistant Willow do it?”
“Yes, she can,” Sarah agreed, but she gave me a devilish grin. “But it should be you who does it.
That why you can get me some more information on him. Like his new favorite hobbies or foods. I
want to plan something for him, but I need more dirt.”
“To be honest, I don’t really feel comfortable doing all of this, Sarah.”
The last thing I’d ever wanted to do was help hook Landon up with another woman.
For a split second, I swore I saw flames flash in Sarah’s eyes, before she returned to her normal,
sweet—yet odd—self.
She took in a few breaths and released them slowly. “Shay. I know this might not be the most
normal job position for you, but this is part of what it entails, all right?” She walked over to me and
handed me the script. “Please do the job without complaints. We get along so well,” she chimed,
smiling ear to ear, but I could tell she was forcing it. “I wouldn’t want any of that to change. Okay?”
It sounded more like a threat than anything else.
I swallowed hard and took the screenplay from her. “Okay.”
She went back to her bubbly personality and clapped her hands together. “Oh, wonderful! I’m
glad we’re all on the same page. I’m glad I was about to make myself clear.”
“Crystal.” I smiled through gritted teeth. I knew if I didn’t take that script, I probably would’ve
been out a job by the end of the day. And my bills would’ve been so pissed off at me.
I headed over to Landon’s trailer, and knocked twice before Willow opened the door with a wide
smile.
“Oh, hey, Shay. What’s up?” She grinned. Willow had been my saving grace over the past few
days, coming off as a bit of a mentor around the set. It was clear she’d been working in the industry
for a long time, based solely on how she moved as if she belonged.
I was still tripping over my feet, trying to act normal even though I felt like a clown with
oversized shoes on at all times.
“Hey. Sarah said she was supposed to run lines with Landon, but she couldn’t make it over. So,
she sent me to do it.”
Willow paused for a second, with a confused brow, but then she smiled again. “For sure, come on
in. I was just going to head out for a while to go find some breakfast.” She hopped out of the trailer
and made way for me to enter.
I walked up the steps of the trailer and was pleased when Landon’s space was the complete
opposite of Sarah’s. There weren’t major signs of hippie mojo going around. Just calming music and
a television on ESPN.
I could handle that.
Landon looked up from the couch, where he was comfortably seated scribbling down in a
notebook, and he stood to his feet. “Shay. Hey.”
My fingers raked through my hair as butterflies settled into the pit of my stomach. “Hey. Sorry to
bother you, but Sarah said you needed to run lines with her? But she’s too busy right now so, she sent
me to do it with you.” He raised a curious brow, and I smiled. “I know it doesn’t make much sense,
but I’m learning to just go with Sarah’s requests.”
“That’s probably a smart thing to do. She can be quite a handful if someone goes against her.”
“Something I’m learning daily.”
“Come in, take a seat. There’s only a few scenes I have to go over, but your help would be great.”
I did as he said and began flipping through the script. Holding someone’s actual script in my
hands felt very surreal to me. I was holding another’s dreams against my fingertips, and secretly
someday hoping that I’d do the same with my own on a set.
Landon didn’t pick up his script, but instructed me to go to page thirty-three, as if he knew each
scene and page number by heart. It didn’t surprise me because when we were in Romeo and Juliet
together, he was off script in a matter of days.
I flipped through to the location he recited, and the moment he began the screen, I was fully
enamored by his persona.
Landon was a fantastic actor as a teenager, but as a grown man? He owned every word that came
through his lips. He never overacted or underacted in a scene. He delivered the words with
conviction and prose, and when he was meant to fall apart due to the words, he fell apart in such a
way that it brought tears to my eyes.
Landon Harrison was meant to be an actor. He excelled at it, and it was a gift to watch his
performance in the trailer that late morning. It felt like a secret gift that I wanted to keep solely for
myself, but soon enough he’d find his way to the set, and everyone else would be able to take in the
excellence that was him.
“You were amazing,” I bellowed, my breaths catching in my chest.
He frowned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I feel as if I can do better.”
“Says the perfectionist.”
“What can I say? I learned it from you. I remember how hard you used to be on yourself back in
high school when you were acting.”
I laughed. “That’s because I didn’t have anywhere near the talent that you did. I swear, you have
more talent in your pinky than I do in my whole body.”
“Liar,” he said so sincerely that it sent chills up and down my spine.
I shifted my feet around. “This script is beautifully written, though. I got chills reading the words.
It’s powerful.”
His eyes widened with intrigue. “Your words are more powerful. You should really let me pass
on one of your scripts,” he offered for the millionth time.
“Once again, hard pass. I want to try to do this on my own first, and it feels like I’m moving in the
right direction.”
He nodded. “I’m proud of you, Chick.”
“Nothing has happened,” I said.
“Not yet.” He smiled. “But it will be soon enough. I just know it.”
His belief in me set my mind for a spin. I shifted around against the couch cushion and cleared my
throat. “Well, I should let you get back to whatever it was you were writing. I need to go check to
make sure Sarah’s taken care of and—”
“Hang out with me,” he cut in.
“What?”
He blinked a few times and shook his head back and forth. “I don’t mean right now, obviously. I
have to be on set in a few minutes anyway, but I’d like to hang out with you. Outside of work. I just
want to…” His words faltered off, and he shrugged his shoulders. “Hang out with me, Shay.”
I wasn’t really certain what to say to his question, so I said the only thing that came to mind.
“Okay.”
His eyes widened as if he was surprised by my agreement. He brushed his hands through his hair
and then cringed from doing so. I was sure his hair person took a good time to get his waves just right.
Thank God this movie no longer had him as a blond. He looked best with his deep brown locks.
 “Great, okay, good. I’m taking a yoga class at your grandmother’s studio this afternoon. Maybe
you can join me there and we can grab a late dinner after?”
“One step at a time, Landon. How about yoga and we’ll go from there,” I offered.
He nodded, seemingly okay with that plan. “I’ll take whatever you give me.”
A knock fell against the trailer door before Willow popped her head in. “Hey, sorry to interrupt
but they are calling for you on set, Landon. Sarah is already out there.”
“Which means, I’m not where I’m supposed to be,” I joked, standing to my feet. “Job well done,
Landon,” I said, holding my hand out for a shake.
What the heck?
Did I really offer him my hand to shake?
What an awkward person I’d become.
He shook my hand with a smile, though, and thanked me for helping him out.
All three of us headed toward the set, and I couldn’t ignore the attack of the butterflies in my
stomach as Landon walked beside me. Once we made it to set, Willow and I hung back as Landon
went ahead and fully became his character as he stepped on stage. The way he transformed his body
was unlike anything I’d seen. How he rounded his shoulders, how he curved his back and fiddled
with his fingers. He was no longer Landon, but he was now Larry Price—the broken hermit crab who
was too afraid to live.
Watching Landon perform made tears rush to my eyes. He was so good at what he did, completely
in the right field of profession for his life.
When he’d mess up, though, he’d step offstage and take a breath. Each time, he’d reach into his
pocket and hold something into his hand and take a few breaths with his eyes closed.
“What is that?” I asked Willow, staring at Landon with wonderment. “What is it that he holds in
his hand?”
“Oh, it’s his tradition. He’s been doing it for as long as I can remember. Whenever he needs to
center himself and breathe, he pulls out that chain necklace and holds it in his hand while taking a few
breaths.”
“Is it some kind of special necklace?”
“Well,” she smiled up at me before going back to her phone, “I’m pretty sure it’s your heart.”
Her words stilled me.
My heart.
The heart necklace I’d had given him all those years before was what he used to calm his wild
soul.
The actual heart of mine? The one that sat in my chest and had spent the past few years being
completely shut off from the world? Without much warning, it slowly began to beat again.
And that afternoon, when it beat? It was beating for him.

LANDON WAS … FLEXIBLE.

Holy crap. He was flexible in ways I didn’t know people could bend.
I’d taken my fair share of yoga classes at my grandmother’s studio, but I had to admit, I wasn’t a
perfectionist at it. Yet, the way Landon was able to bend like a pretzel and hold poses as if it were
effortless to him blew my mind.
 “Why do I get the idea that this wasn’t your first rodeo?” I joked, dripping in sweat after the class.
The women of the group were all gawking at Landon, and I’d admit I couldn’t blame them.
I was gawking, too.
“My therapist had me start a few years back. She figured yoga could be a good way to release
some built-up energy,” he explained, grabbing a rag and wiping away the sweat from his face.
“And it helps?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Plus, it’s something I love. I don’t get a lot of moments to slow down in my
career, so this feels good. It’s nice to take a break from the hustle and bustle of my life. It’s been a
while since I’d been about to take up yoga, though, so I was happy when Maria mentioned taking
classes here.”
“I’m glad it works for you.” And boy, was it fun to watch.
“Since I can’t take you out to dinner, do you think I can walk you to your car?”
“I won’t pass you up on that offer.”
We gathered our things and headed out into the cold night. Each breath I took could be seen when I
exhaled it into the chilled air. We began walking around the corner to my car as I tried to keep from
freezing my butt off. “So, you’re doing well,” I mentioned. “With your heart and mind?”
“Yeah. I know way back then I struggled a lot with finding my footing, but I was lucky enough to
have the income to get the help I really needed.”
“That’s really good, Landon. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”
“I know. It took a lot of work, and I still struggle with it, I won’t lie. But I’m in a better place than
I’d ever been before. Which is why I’m feeling antsy for this movie to wrap so I can get back to
helping others.”
“Helping others?”
“I want to take a year break from acting and travel the US to help kids in underprivileged areas
and talk about mental health. I don’t want to just give them money, but I want to be there with them to
tell my story. To hear theirs. There is such a stigma over mental health, and I remember being terrified
of it in my youth. It felt like a death sentence, but it wasn’t. It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t
the end of my life—it was just a piece of it. I want to help these kids learn the same.
“They haven’t been given the same opportunities as I have to better my health, though. There isn’t
much time or money that goes into the world of mental health in many urban areas. Therefore, I want
to immerse myself in that world to see how I can give back and help.”
I paused my steps and looked at him in amazement. “Don’t do that, Landon,” I whispered, shaking
my head.
“Do what?”
“Make yourself a redeemable character in our storybook.”
He gave me a halfway smile. “I just want to do good, Shay. I figured if I’m in this world, I might
as well use my time to make it a little bit better.”
“The world needs more people like you.”
“I never expected to hear you say that, after everything that went down between us.”
I chuckled. “Trust me, I didn’t expect it either. But I mean it. You’re doing a lot of good for this
world. We’re lucky to have you here.”
He frowned for a split second and looked down at the ground. “There were a lot of times when I
thought I wouldn’t have made it this far.”
“How lucky are we all that you did?”
He brushed his hand against the back of his neck and looked up. “I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
 The words were so painfully truthful as they fell from his lips, and the way he stared at me made
me want to cry into his arms to forgive him.
“We don’t have to talk about that right now.”
“But we should at some point. We should talk about what happened. I’m in a place where I’m
ready and willing to try to explain to you what went down with me all those years ago. If you’re
willing to hear me, I’ll show you my scars.”
I nodded slowly. “Of course.”
We’d approached my car and I began digging around in my purse to search for my keys. “Well,
this was fun. Maybe we can do it next week, too,” I offered.
“I’d love that.”
I kept looking in my bag.
“Shay?”
“Yes?”
He stood there with his hands stuffed deep into his pockets and he tilted his head toward me.
“How’s your heart?”
Those words knocked the air out of me. My hand fell from my purse, and I moved in closer to
him. I took his hands into mine and placed them against my chest, against my heart, against my soul.
“Still beating.”
He lightly squeezed my hands into his and looked down at our embrace. “I know I probably have
no right to say this, and I’ll probably kick myself for putting myself out there like this, but I have to do
it. If there is ever a moment where you begin to believe in second chances,” he said, his voice low
and controlled. “Please give one to me.”
Before I could reply, a camera flashed in both of our faces.
Flash.
Followed by another.
Flash, flash!
Just like that, the gentle moment was ruined, because in the world we lived in, Landon wasn’t
allowed to have stolen moments away from the limelight.
 31

Shay

LANDON HAD FLOWN out for some charity event in California, and we’d hadn’t been able to talk since
he’d opened up and asked me to give him another chance.
My mind hadn’t stopped swirling since he said that. I didn’t know how to handle those words
coming from his mouth. To me, a second chance at love meant a second chance at heartbreak. I wasn’t
sure I was ready for that. The last time my heart was crushed, it took forever for me to put the pieces
back together, and I swore it never beat the same again.
All my thoughts on that subject were put on hold when I received a phone call from Eleanor early
one morning, and she was sobbing into the phone receiver.
“Ellie, what’s going on?” I asked, panic falling into my chest as I sat up in bed. My cousin’s cries
were heavy, and just from hearing the sound, I felt as if I were going to fall apart, too. “What is it?
What’s wrong?”
“It’s Karla,” she pushed out, her words coarse and rough.
That made me sit up even more. “What about her? What happened?”
“There was an accident. She went to a party last night, and people were bullying her to an
extreme. They dumped trash all over her and rubbed fish guts across her body.”
“Oh my gosh. Is she okay?” What in the hell…?
My chest ached with panic as Eleanor told me what was done to Karla. At a party…the party I’d
told her she should’ve gone to. Guilt shot through me as I listened to Eleanor fall apart.
“No, she’s not okay. I stayed with Greyson that night to comfort him, because he was breaking
down over what happened, and the next morning, Karla found me in his bed. She went off, about how
he was betraying her mother, and oh my gosh, Shay,” she cried, unable to continue her words.
“Breathe, Ellie. Please, breathe. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not, though. Nothing is going to be okay,” she said, sounding more and more wrecked with
every passing second. “She ran away, and Greyson found her at her mother’s gravestone. S-she had a
bottle of pills with her, Shay. She was going to overdose.”
Oh my gosh.
I couldn’t breathe.
 The tears officially began falling down my cheeks.
The first thing that came to mind was Landon.
I had to call Landon, because even though we weren’t who we used to be, I still remembered how
heavy situations affected his soul. Especially when it came to things like a person overdosing and
trying to take their life.
I scrambled to dial his phone number, and when he answered, he knew exactly what I was calling
about.
“Hey. Grey already called me. I’m heading to the airport right now to get home,” he said. I could
hear the panic in his voice, the fear sitting in his throat.
“Okay. If you need anything…” I started.
“Thanks,” he replied. “Are you all right?” he asked.
The question made more tears fall from my eyes. “No. Are you?”
“Not at all.”
 32

Landon

BY THE TIME I arrived in Chicago, Greyson already had Karla in an inpatient mental health clinic. I
had a taxi take me directly from the airport to the clinic and when I arrived, Shay was sitting in the
waiting room, right beside Greyson.
I hurried over to them and didn’t say a word at all. I simply pulled Greyson into a tight embrace
and refused to let go any time soon.
“Fuck, Grey,” I muttered, feeling my emotions heightening as I held on to my friend.
“I know,” he agreed, pulling away from me. He pinched the bridge of his nose before wiping the
tears that began to fall down his cheeks. “I’ve never been so scared in my life. Landon, if she
would’ve taken those pills…” he started.
I shook my head. “She didn’t. She didn’t, Greyson. She’s okay.”
“She’s not okay.” He sniffled and wiped his hand beneath his nose. “She’s so fucking far from
okay.”
I didn’t know what to say, because he was right. Karla wasn’t all right, and she wouldn’t be for a
long time. I knew those struggles, and the heaviness of the thoughts that came with thoughts of suicide.
I knew how it overtook a person and could’ve swallowed them whole.
I’d been there before. I’d lived that life, and it took a lot of time and soul-searching for me to
crawl out of that cave of despair.
“Mr. East?” a woman called out. “You can come back now. The exam is over, and your daughter
asked for you to be with her for the next steps.”
Greyson hurried away. I raced my hands through my hair and took a deep breath before turning to
Shay. “Hi.”
She stood to her feet. “Hi.”
Then, she bombarded me with a hug. She hugged me. Her arms wrapped tightly around my body in
a warm embrace. I couldn’t recall the last time Shay hugged me. Hell, it’d been years. Sure, lately our
bodies had been falling together, but never in the form of a hug.
 I welcomed the embrace.
I needed it, because I felt as if I was seconds away from falling apart.
I cleared my throat as we pulled apart from one another. “How’s your heart?” I pushed out.
She smiled the saddest smile in the world as her brown eyes pierced straight into my soul.
“How’s your heart?” she countered.
A few tears fell from my eyes, and I quickly pushed them away. I forced a smile. “Still beating.”
Not as strongly as it should’ve, but it was still going strong, because Karla was still in this world
with us. We hadn’t lost her, and that felt like the smallest of victories.
We sat down in the waiting room, quiet as time ticked on, but everything around us felt still.
We didn’t exchange words, because there wasn’t much that could’ve been said. I was glad she sat
beside me, though, because I needed someone near me. I needed the ever-so-often touch she’d
delivered to my shoulder, or my knee to remind me that I wasn’t alone, even though my mind was
trying to tell me a different story.
Maybe my heaviness rubbed off on Karla.
Perhaps this is my fault.
Those were some of the lies shooting through my head. Those were the demons I was certainly
trying to slay. Every time the thoughts began to grow too big, I’d find Shay’s hand against my shoulder
blade, and the weight of the world began to dissolve.
I tapped my foot repeatedly against the tiled floor as my mind spiraled down a long staircase of
memories.
“It’s hard to be here,” I quietly confessed.
Shay tilted her head in my direction and frowned. “Because of your uncle?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Because of me.”
Her eyes narrowed with confusion as she looked my way.
A few hours later, Greyson came out and gave me a lopsided smile. He looked exhausted, as if
he’d been hit with a semi-truck. “Hey, Karla is asking to see you,” he told me.
I nodded and looked back to Shay. “Are you coming, too?”
She shook her head. “No. I actually doubt she wants to see me, seeing how I’m connected to
Eleanor, and that was a big issue. I don’t want to be a trigger for her.”
“Oh.” I tilted my head. “Then why are you here?”
She gave me a tight smile and I knew exactly what her answer was without her even saying it.
She was there because of me.
I think in that moment I fell in love with her all over again.
Truth was, I probably never stopped loving her to begin with.
As I headed back to see Karla, my gut tightened as I walked down the long hallways. The height
of my anxiety was through the roof, but I knew I had to be strong, because that little girl needed me to
be there for her. I wouldn’t show my weaknesses as I sat beside her.
The clinic had private rooms set up for each of the patients. As I passed by a few of the rooms, I
saw decorations against their walls, showcasing their lives. The more decorations, the longer amount
of time the individuals had been at the clinic.
I remembered during my time in an inpatient clinic, my walls were emptied at first. Then, each
day that passed, I filled the walls with letters.
Letters I’d written for Shay.
I’d spent three months in the clinic, and when I got out, I took down all of my words, and hoped to
one day give them to her to showcase how she’d helped me through the darkness, even though she
hadn’t even known I was drowning.
By the time I was better, Shay had already moved on, and she was never able to read the words
I’d created solely for her.
I stood in the doorway of Karla’s room, and stared at the blank walls, hoping she wouldn’t have
to fill them up to the brim before finding her way home.
There was a twin-sized bed, a table with two chairs, and a desk. Everything looked so dull and
lifeless. On that small bed sat Karla and her beautiful darkness.
It took me a long time to realize that darkness could be beautiful, too. So many beautiful things
lived in the shadows, and it was our duty to be kind enough to them and to remind them that they, too,
belonged.
She looked up to me and tried to muscle up a smile but failed. “Hey, Uncle Landon.”
“Hey, sport. Can I come in?”
She nodded.
I stepped into the room and went straight in her direction. I sat down on the bed and wrapped my
arms around her. She hugged me back. She hugged me so tight. So very tight. Almost as if she was
thankful to still be around to hug. To feel. To exist.
I was so damn happy for that, too.
I was so happy I was hugging that little girl in my arms that evening.
“I’m sorry,” she sniffled, pulling away.
“For what?”
“For being stupid and thinking about taking those pills.” She shook her head back and forth. “I
wasn’t going to do it, Uncle Landon. I swear, I wasn’t.”
I rubbed my hand against her back. “You know what I am to you, Karla?”
“What’s that?”
“A safe place. You don’t have to say what you think people expect you to with me. You don’t have
to lie to try to protect my feelings. Okay? I’m your safe place. You can trust me. No lies here. Only
truths.”
The curve to her back intensified as she rolled her shoulders forward. “I’ve thought about it
before,” she quietly confessed. “I’ve thought about it a lot since the accident.”
That truth hurt my heart more than anything in the world, but I patiently listened to her share her
darkness with me.
“I think I’m depressed,” she whispered, almost as if she was ashamed to admit it.
“Tell me what that’s like for you.”
“Every day is hard. Even the good days feel hard, and I don’t know how to stop my heart from
hurting. Everyone around me is so happy all the time lately, too. Lorelai is the happiest kid in the
world. Dad is moving on with Eleanor. Everyone is getting better after the accident, except for me.
Everyone is healing, but me. It pisses me off, too. It makes me so angry that everyone is happy except
for me. That’s all I want. I want to be happy, Uncle Landon.”
I wrapped my arms around her again and pulled her into my side. I needed her to feel my
presence, to remind her that she wasn’t alone that night.
“You’ll get there, Karla, I swear. I know it sounds corny as shit, but these things take time. When
your mind is heavy, you have to go through a lot of tests and trials to figure out what works for you,
and what doesn’t. Sometimes, it’s meditation, other times it’s medication. There’s no one way road to
depression, Karla. You have to find out what works for you, you have to learn your triggers. I promise
you, just because you deal with depression, doesn’t mean it’s a death sentence.”
 “I don’t want to die,” she swore, and I believed her, too. I saw it in her eyes. Perhaps that was her
biggest truth—the fact that she wanted to live.
“I know, and we are going to do everything in our power to make sure we figure out what works
best for you.”
She nodded slowly, taking in all my words. “How do you know so much about depression? You
have everything. I doubt you’ve ever been sad a day in your life.”
I laughed a little. “You have no clue how ironic that comment is.”
“What? I mean it. I bet you’ve never even cried before from being sad.”
“I cried today, when I heard about you. I’ve cried plenty of times due to my sadness. Look.” I
rolled up my sleeves of my shirt and took her hand into mine. I ran her fingers across my tattoos,
across my scarred skin where the imprints of my past still existed. “Do you feel that?”
“Yeah, what is that?”
“My past sadness. I used to do self-harm, because I was trying to figure out my own depression.”
Her eye widened. “You used to hurt yourself?!”
“I did. I was searching for a way to feel something. To feel anything. It took me a while to learn
what worked for me, but trust me when I say, I have a lot more happy days than bad ones nowadays. I
find reasons to smile every single day, and one of those reasons is because of you, Karla. This world
is better because you are here, and you’re going to make a difference in the most magical way. I just
need you to keep fighting, knowing that you have a strong team in your corner, okay?”
“I will. I promise. Mom wouldn’t want me to give up,” she said.
“You’re right, she wouldn’t. I know she’s looking down on you right now with pride because she
sees how strong you’re being through all of this.”
She smiled and that made me smile, too.
“I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself too much as a kid. I would’ve missed you too much if you
weren’t around. I’m really happy you’re still here, Uncle Landon.”
My heart melted at those words. “I’m really happy that you’re still here, too.”

AFTER I SAID goodnight to Karla, I promised to stop by the next morning to see her. Greyson stayed
the night with his daughter to make sure she knew she wasn’t alone. The two of them had a long road
of healing ahead of them, but I was happy that it seemed they were finally walking on the same path
beside one another.
I walked into the waiting area to find Shay still sitting there.
She smiled up to me and stood to her feet. “How is she?”
“Alive and starting the path to healing.”
“Good. I’m glad. I hate that she has to go through this.”
“Me too, but sometimes you have to walk through the darkness for a while before you’re able to
reach the light. She’ll get there. I’ll make sure she does.”
“And what about you? What about your light?”
“I’m seeing a little more of it each day.”
“Good.” She nodded once. “That’s so good.” She shifted around in her shoes before glancing up
at me again. “Do you want a ride to your hotel?”
“That would be great. If you could drop me off there, that would be perfect.”
 We drove in silence, and every now and again Shay would glance my way. I saw the worry in her
eyes as she looked at me. As if she was worried that I was living too much in my head—which I was.
I was just too exhausted to put on a mask and act as if I were all right. Besides, I didn’t want to wear
masks around Shay anymore.
She walked me to my hotel room, and I thanked her for everything.
“You shouldn’t be alone tonight,” she commented, leaning against the doorframe.
“I’ll be okay. Besides, we have rules, right? No sleepovers,” I joked, trying to laugh off the
heaviness sitting on my chest.
Shay stuffed her hands into her jeans pockets and slightly swayed back and forth. “Landon…” she
whispered, her voice low and tamed. “If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay. If you tell me to go, I’ll stay
even longer.”
That was enough to make me nod slowly and step aside so she could walk into the hotel room.
She closed the door behind her and looked at me with such care.
“What can I do?” she asked.
I hadn’t known. She couldn’t erase what happened to Karla. She couldn’t go back in time and
change history. She couldn’t stop the troubled thoughts soaring through my head.
But she could do one thing, and perhaps that was what I needed most right in that moment.
“Can I hold you?” I softly spoke, lowering my head.
I needed her close to me that night. I needed to wrap her in my embrace and hold on tight so I
would be reminded of the fact that I wasn’t alone.
She placed her arms around me and pulled me closer. She melted into my arms, as if all she was
ever meant to do was rest against my body. When I told her she could let go, that was when she held
on tighter.
I was so fucking grateful for that woman’s embrace.
 33

Shay

“I’ M FINE, really, Shay. It’s funny, the only thought going through my head right now is that I’m
exhausted. I really want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep,” Landon said, rubbing his tired eyes.
I’d spent the past three hours with my arms wrapped around him, and if I were honest, I wasn’t ready
to let him go.
I narrowed my eyes at him, uncertain of what to believe. Because for the most part, he seemed all
right. He seemed as if he was handling everything perfectly well. Then again, I also knew Landon. I
knew how he hid her hurts from the outside world. How he tried his best to be strong, even when all
he wanted to do was fall apart. I knew how his cracked heart beat crookedly.
So, the last thing I wanted was for me to go back to my place and leave him to fall apart all on his
own. If he was going to fall apart, I wanted to be there to catch him.
“I’ll stay the night with you,” I whispered.
“What? No. I’m fine, really, Shay. There’s nothing to worry about. I’m good.”
He kept lying, and I kept at him.
“Please, Landon, let me stay tonight. Just until morning, and then you can kick me out. Cross my
heart and hope to die.”
He stared at me with his shoulders back, showcasing his strength, but in those blue eyes of his, I
saw his pain. It came in flashes, and he oftentimes tried to blink it away. His heart was broken for
Karla, and I wasn’t sure how it would ever heal if he kept everything inside.
The truth was, the pain hurt less when you let it out. Then it wouldn’t have time to simmer too
long and burn you.
“I’m okay,” he whispered, this time his voice a little shakier than before.
“Yes, I know, but still,” I took his hands into mine, “Let me stay.”
He took in a deep inhale and nodded slowly. His forehead pressed against mine and he closed his
eyes. “Can you lay with me until I fall asleep? I don’t want to talk, but if you can lay beside me, that
would be great.”
“Yes, of course.”
“Promise?”
 “Promise.”
He led me to the bed and offered me one of his T-shirts and a pair of shorts. It was way too big
for me, but somehow it seemed to fit perfectly against my skin.
He lay down in the bed and I allowed him to wrap his arms around me. Even though I was there to
make him feel better, somehow, I ended up being the one who felt safe. In his arms, I felt it happening.
I felt my cold heart start to defrost, all because of the man I once loved.
The room was filled with silence, even though neither of us were sleeping. I knew his mind was
running fast, and I didn’t want to blink just in case he needed me to remind him to breathe.
I didn’t know how long we’d stayed in that position, pressed against one another, quiet as night. I
didn’t know how long his mind kept spinning. I didn’t know how his thoughts were being tamed. But
the moment I heard his breathing calm, and realized he was sleeping, I too, faded into a slumber.

THE NEXT FEW DAYS , I’d made it my responsibility to check in on Landon and make sure he was
keeping his head above the water.
Shay: How’s your heart today?
Landon: Somehow still beating.
Shay: Do you need company?
Landon: It’s okay. I’m sure you’re busy.
Shay: Too bad, I’m already at your hotel door, so you might as well let me in.
As he opened it, he smiled wide. “Not going to lie, I’m pretty happy you’re here.”
Me too, Landon. Me too.
We headed into his hotel room. Landon shut the door behind me as I took off my shoes. “I was
planning to order takeout, sit on your couch and do nothing. If you’re down for that, I’ll make sure to
order enough food for two.”
“That sounds perfect,” he said.
I raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to watch Friends?”
“Hell yeah, I want to watch Friends.” He grinned ear to ear and headed to the couch to take a
seat. I grabbed my phone to order dinner and sat down beside him. We ended up ordering more
Chinese food than we could’ve ever possibly eaten, and as he watched Friends, I watched him.
It felt like the olden days. When we’d eat junk food and watch Friends and forget that the world
outside of us was crumbling for a little while. We’d laugh, and snuggle, and hold onto each other in
order to keep our broken puzzles together.
As we sat there, Landon didn’t look like one of the world’s best actors. He looked like a regular
human being, enjoying his time with me.
I pulled my knees into my chest and hugged them. “What happened to you, Landon?”
“What do you mean?”
“All those years ago… What happened to you? Why did you disappear?” He lowered his head
and flinched a small bit. Obviously nervous about the question. “You don’t have to answer.”
“Yes, I do. Even though it’s still sometimes hard to bring up, I want you to know. It matters to me
that you know the truth even though it’s hard to speak about.”
I shut off the television, moved in closer to him, and took his hands into mine. “I’m not going
anywhere regardless of what you say. I’m here. I’m listening.”
 He swallowed, his Adam’s apple moving against his throat, and he began speaking. “After my
father passed away, I lost my way, but I tried to pretend I was fine. I didn’t want to worry people
anymore. My father’s words kept playing over and over again in my head, that I’d let people down.
That there was a time limit for those people who cared about my issues. That I was weak and would
end up alone. So, I tried to push away my depression instead of facing it.”
He turned to face me and gave me a broken smile as he continued. “I thought if I kept working
nonstop, I’d be okay. I figured if I stopped going to therapy and stopped dragging up my past, I’d be
fine. I could focus on work and nothing else. I could put on a mask, appear happy to the world, and
avoid dealing with the darkness inside me.”
Oh, Landon…
I knew that had to be it, but still it broke me as it happened.
“I, um, I became so good at pretending I was happy that I stopped taking my medicine. I assumed I
didn’t need it and could keep the act going strong. But…it turned out I couldn’t. I remember being at a
party one of the cast members was throwing. It was a stupid thing, really. All the actors were much
more seasoned than me, and they were reading mean tweets that were posted about them, having a
good laugh.
“Then it came my time to read my mean tweets, which I’d need looked into, and fuck…” He took
a deep breath and rubbed his fingers against mine. “That was hard. Not only was I dealing with my
father’s criticism, but now I had strangers around the world telling me how I wasn’t good enough, and
I allowed it to crush me. ‘Landon Pace is a wannabe actor and can’t deliver a line to save his life.’
‘The world would be better if Landon Pace wasn’t on this earth because that movie was a bomb.’
‘Landon Pace is a piece of shit who no one would miss if he died.’ The list went on and on, and I
couldn’t handle it, not without my meds, or my real people who cared about me. I went home with
dark, dark thoughts. Darker than I’d ever had. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed, after
having my stomach pumped.”
“Oh my gosh, Landon.” My hands shot to my chest as he unfolded the story I wasn’t ready to hear.
“You overdosed?”
He nodded. “Not on purpose, but yeah. I’d come home with my mind moving a million miles per
hour, and I took my depression pills to try to slow down my thoughts. It didn’t help that I was drunk
off my ass.”
“I would’ve never thought… Every time I saw you on the internet, you looked so happy.”
“The joys of acting,” he joked. “No one can tell when you’re really happy or just playing a role.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “We were already so far into post-production with my film with
Sarah, and they didn’t want the overdose scandal to get out. So, they redirected the narrative and
made it appear as if Sarah and I were a couple. After those pictures, I checked into an inpatient psych
center like the one Karla’s at, and got back on track with my meds. I started seeing Dr. Smith again,
too. It was the worst period of my life, and I had to fight like hell to come back from it, but I did.”
A heavy pit of confusion settled in the bottom of my stomach. “Why didn’t you come back to me?
Why did you push me away? I would’ve understood. You could’ve explained it all to me.”
His blues looked up at me with a gentleness I hadn’t seen before. He tilted his head and shrugged.
“You deserved to be happy. When I showed up to explain things, I knew I was too late. You were
laughing with some guy, and I was still pretty messed up in the head. I knew if I saw you, there
wouldn’t be a lot of laughing for a while. There would be a lot of pain, of struggle with you trying to
hold me up while I fell apart, and I didn’t want that for you. I didn’t want to be your burden anymore.”
Some guy?
 My mind started racing back to my college years, trying to pinpoint what guy he was talking about.
The only guy who came to mind was Jason, and we were never anything more than friends even
though he wanted more. He’d come over a few times to see if we could make something work, but
nothing ever developed into more than friendship.
“Landon.” I moved in closer to him, taking his hands into mine. My forehead rested against his as
his breaths brushed against my skin. “I would’ve taken our hard days over happy days with any other
person in this world.”
“I know. That’s why I had to walk away. You would’ve given up your happiness to swim in my
darkness, and I didn’t want that for you. I wanted to be able to give you the happy days more than the
sad, so I had to walk away. I had to get right with my mind and learn how to lean on myself than lean
on you. But do understand…even though I had a lot of bad days, the worst day of my life was when I
had to walk away from you.”
Our hands clasped together, and I closed my eyes as his words embedded themselves into my
heart and soul. I moved in even closer to the point that I was in his lap, and his hands were wrapped
around me.
Our lips brushed against one another as my heart began pounding wildly within my chest. “Tell me
your biggest truth, and I’ll tell you mine.” I sighed against his mouth, gentle kisses rolling against him.
“I never stopped missing you,” he confessed, his hands making small circles against my lower
back. “I never stopped dreaming about you,” he whispered as his mouth moved to my neck. “I never
stopped wanting you,” he promised. “And I never stopped loving you.”
“I love you, too, Landon,” I confessed, feeling so raw, exposed, and protected in his arms. “More
than words, I love you. I tried to bury it. I tried to delete it from my heart, but that heart? It still beats
for you. It always has, and it always will.”
“Give me another chance to prove to you that I’m man enough to care for your heartbeats?” His
voice was timid and low as he locked eyes with me.
“Yes, but please…” I took a deep inhalation. “Go slow.”
Later that night, he led me to my bedroom. He undressed my body as I undressed his, and we lay
naked and exposed to one another. Our truths displayed with every touch we shared. As he thrust into
me that night, I felt it. I felt his warmth, his promises, and his love, and I hoped to the heavens above
that he felt mine, too.
 34

Shay

ONE THURSDAY MORNING , Greyson called and asked me to come visit Karla. I was a bit surprised
when the call came through, because I was certain Karla wouldn’t want anything to do with me due to
my connection with Eleanor. I headed to the clinic as soon as the call came through.
My nerves were through the roof as I walked down the hallway toward Karla’s room. When I
looked into her space, I smiled as I saw her sitting at the desk with her notebook and pen, scribbling
away.
I hadn’t known what she was writing, but I was happy to see her pouring words onto the page. No
matter what, written word had a way to heal broken souls.
“Hey, you,” I said, making Karla look up from her notebook.
Her eyes widened with joy, and she came limping in my direction. “Hi.”
She stood in front of me for a moment, rubbing her hand up and down her arm as she stared at the
floor.
I smiled. “Well, are you going to hug me or what?”
A breath pushed through her lips as if she was waiting for permission to give me a warm
embrace. She wrapped her arms around me and held on tight.
“I thought you hated me,” she whispered.
“What? Why in the world would I hate you?”
“Because I broke my dad and Eleanor up. I didn’t mean to, really. I’m just…trying to figure out
everything. I can’t understand how my dad could be happy with someone else after losing my mother.
I mean, I really like Eleanor. She’s a good person. I’m just…I feel like I was betrayed,” she
confessed.
I thought back to my own mother, and the betrayal I felt when she announced she was engaged to
David. Instant guilt hit me, because I knew Eleanor and Greyson had a true connection. Maybe my
mother and David did, too.
I just couldn’t see it until I looked at someone else’s storybook and saw the similarities to mine.
“If there’s anything I know about life, it’s the fact that love is complicated,” I explained, taking a
seat at Karla’s table. “I’m still trying to figure out how it works myself, but if it’s true love, you’ll all
figure it out. I swear.”
“I’ve been writing a lot lately,” she told me. “It’s been helping me figure out what’s going on in
my head. And I think I’m kind of getting it. I’m thinking of myself as a character like in my books. I’m
the heroine, who has a lot of character arcs to me. I have flaws, but I’m trying to see how they make
me beautiful.”
I smiled. “I think that’s beautiful, Karla.”
“Maybe you can read my story when I finish it?”
“I’d be honored. I’m proud of you for doing the hard work. For digging deep and looking inside
yourself for answers.”
She nodded. “Uncle Landon has been helping me a lot with that. He said the end goal is
happiness, and that’s all I want. I want to be happy again.”
“And you will be. I promise. I can’t wait to see you soar.”
“I’ve been making lists of things that make me happy. Like songs, and movies, and stuff. I think
that’s helping me.”
“That’s a really good idea. I think I might do the same thing for myself.”
Perhaps it was time for me to study my own character arcs, because no matter how old one was,
there was always room for growth.
After I finished my time with Karla, I headed straight over to my mom’s house. When she opened
the door, she had a frown on her face, obviously still upset for my childish behavior.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I told her, shaking my head. “I’m just so scared of love. I don’t know how it
works, or how it moves, or how to stop heartbreak from coming. I reacted so poorly to hearing the
news about David, and I am so sorry about that.”
Her frown slowly began to turn around. “I did sort of spring it on you,” she confessed. “I could
have prepared you and Mima for it a little more.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I reacted so poorly. I know what Dad put you through all those
years ago, and I never want you to hurt like that again.”
“I know. Believe me, I’ve spent so much time living in that world of anger that I’ve struggled with
letting people back in. I don’t trust men—I still don’t as a whole and that’s something I’ll need to do
some work on. But I do trust David. Shay…if you knew how he treated me, you’d never doubt his
love. Your father’s love caged me, while David’s sets me free. I’m so happy,” she exclaimed, placing
her hand against her chest. Her eyes welled up, but this time it was from her joy. My mom was…
happy.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen her so happy. The happiness was pouring out of her
soul. It landed in her eyes and sat against her lips.
“Can you tell me more about him?” I asked.
“Of course. I’ll need my maid of honor to know all the details, after all.”
“I’m your maid of honor?”
“Oh, come on, Shay.” She shook her head in disbelief. “As if I’d ever choose another.”

THINGS WERE FINALLY FEELING as if they were coming back together around me, and I was so
unbelievably thankful for that. Karla and I were going to work on getting back into our writing
meetings. I asked Eleanor if it was okay if I did so, and she begged me to continue my work with
Karla. She cared so much from a distance. I was certain that soon enough, she’d find her way back
into Greyson’s world.
Some things were simply meant to be.
All was grand up until I showed up for work to a very unhappy actress.
“What the hell is this?!” Sarah barked as I showed up to work. I walked into her trailer, and
something about her crystals must’ve been off, because her energy was beyond erratic.
“What’s what?” I asked, confused as ever.
She stormed up to me with curlers in her hair and her makeup half done, with straight up crazy
eyes.
“This,” she hissed, holding her phone in my face, showing me the photographs of Landon and me
almost kissing in front of the yoga studio.
I’d seen the photographs already, and there was only one thing I could think. “Well, at least I’m
not throwing an iced latte,” I joked.
Sarah didn’t find it very funny. “I told you to get close to him, so you could report back to me with
information, Shay. Then I see this! How could you? I trusted you.”
“To be fair, I told you I wasn’t very comfortable doing that for you. I didn’t want to get involved.”
“Yes, well, it looks like you wiggled your way straight into his good graces. I’m going to have to
let you go.”
Wait, what?
“Are you serious? Because of some tabloid magazine? We weren’t even going to kiss.”
Sarah shrugged and waved me off as if I were nothing. “Yes, well, you should’ve thought about
that before betraying me.”
“I didn’t betray you,” I grumbled. “I just didn’t do exactly what you wanted me to do. Besides,
I’m not Cyrano de Bergerac. I’m not going to push you into the arms of someone I care about.”
“So, it’s true?” she asked. “You do care about him?”
Of course, I cared. How could I not? He was my Satan, and I was his Chick.
I’d always care for him, even if we never received our happily ever after. The last thing I wanted
to do was push him straight into the arms of a lowkey crazy person.
“None of that matters.”
“You’re right, because you don’t matter. Do you really think you have a chance with Landon when
I’m in the picture? You’re nothing in the grand scheme of things. You’re as replaceable as a pair of
shoes. Sure, maybe you came around and reminded Landon of his past, but you’re not his future, and
you never will be.”
I narrowed my eyes at the grown woman standing in front of me, completely baffled by her
actions. “Oh, give me a fucking break, Monica,” I groaned.
Sarah arched an eyebrow. “Who the hell is Monica?”
“You. You’re Monica. You’re the high school girl who thinks you can bully people into acting a
certain way because you think you have power. But you know what? I’m not intimidated by you. When
I was younger, and I thought you and Landon really had a connection, sure. I felt lesser than. But now
that I actually know you, I am completely convinced that you’re nothing to be afraid of. So, go ahead.
Fire me. But at the end of the day, I’m still going to win, because I refused to let a woman who carries
around rocks to call me worthless. And news flash! I got the same damn stones from Amazon for nine
bucks!”
 35

Landon

IT LOOKED like my weekly trip to Maria’s yoga studio was a no-go after the cameras caught Shay and
I together the previous week. The minute I walked around the corner and saw the line of people
standing outside the building, I knew word had gotten out about my appearance there the week prior.
Business was booming for Maria, which was excellent.
I just hated that once again something special that I truly enjoyed was being taken away by fame. I
couldn’t even go breathe in peace.
“You’re really good at drawing a crowd,” a voice said. I turned to see Shay standing there, and
she smiled at first, but then it faltered to a frown. “Are you okay?”
I shrugged. “I just wanted to have something that was mine for a little while. Maria’s classes were
that for me.”
She moved in closer and the corner of her mouth twitched slightly. “I can’t imagine how annoying
it must be—having people follow you all the time. My coffee latte drama had finally faded away, and
that was hell. I couldn’t imagine having that kind of attention on me at all times.”
“It can be a bit much.” Truthfully, it was becoming more and more of a bother ever since Shay
came back into my life. There were so many things I wanted to do with her. I wanted to take her out to
dinner and be able to sit across from her and have a friendly conversation. I wanted to walk into a
coffee shop and not have to worry about people pulling out a camera and filming our interactions.
“Do you ever wish you never got into acting?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I mean, I do love what I do, the films. But even more, I love having the means to
give back to people. Because of what I do, because of this career, I’m able to help people who might
not have been able to help themselves, and in a way, that makes all this madness worth it. Even if
sometimes it can be a bit draining.”
She looked up toward the packed studio. People were lined up outside, obviously not dressed for
a peaceful yoga stretching.
“Want to take a walk with me?” she offered. “To get away from this world for a bit of time?”
“I’d like that more than anything.”
She gave me a smile, and I gave her mine as we began walking in the opposite direction of the
crowd.
“So, I was hoping I could talk to you tonight anyway. I wanted to talk to you during shooting today,
but there was always someone around. Still, I figured I should give you a heads-up. It’s about Sarah.”
“Yeah? What about her?”
“Well.” Shay sighed and tilted her head toward me. “She’s kind of batshit crazy.”
I laughed out loud. “That’s the complete opposite of what I expected you to say to me.”
“I’m sorry, but she is. I know she’s been my idol for the past forever years, and I know I thought
her performance of Lucy Knight was spot on and I know I raved on and on about how she played that
psychopath character in such a realistic way, but now it’s all making sense to me. She was typecast in
that role. She is a psychopath.”
“Well, I could’ve told you that.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’m glad you knew. She snapped on me today and fired me because
of the photographs the paparazzi took of us last week.”
“Wait, what? She fired you?”
“Yeah. It’s okay, really. I’ll find something else, and if worse comes to worse, I can pick up some
classes at Mima’s studio.”
“But you loved being on set. You deserve to be on set.”
“I’ll get back to it somehow. It might just take a few years of trying.”
The whole situation was bullshit. Sarah crossed a line letting Shay go, and I was determined to
make it known to her how she was in the wrong.
“I’m so sorry, Shay. Truly.”
“It’s okay. I’m just glad you knew about her. I wouldn’t want you to end up with a girl like her.”
“What kind of girl would you want me to end up with?” I asked.
She paused her steps and looked up at me. My heart was wild and my mind untamed as she parted
her lips to answer. “You should probably end up with a girl like me.”
“And how exactly do I end up with a girl like you?”
She stepped in closer to me and bit her bottom lip. “I think you have to kiss me right here and right
now.”
That was the easiest request I’d ever fulfilled.

MINE.
Shay finally said the words that she was mine, and I couldn’t have been more fucking happy if I
tried. We’d spent the following nights together, wrapped in one another’s arms. Each day at work, I
avoided Sarah the best I could. I hadn’t shit to say to the coldhearted actress who’d decided to throw
a hissy fit when she couldn’t get her way.
When she came into my trailer one afternoon, I almost had Willow throw her out, but instead I
refrained. We had to keep it professional, seeing how we’d put so much time and energy into the
movie.
“Hey, Landon. I wanted to stop by and make sure you and me were good. I know there seemed to
be some tension between us since I had to let Shay go, but I was hoping we’d be able to work through
it.”
“No,” I flatly replied.
 “What?”
“I said no. What you did to her was wrong, and I won’t forgive you for it. Shay is the most
important person in my life, and I refuse to let someone like you get in between us. So, I’m saying no,
Sarah. I don’t want to work through this drama with you. You showed your true colors, and we’ll
leave it at that.”
“Those aren’t my true colors,” she said, shaking her head. “There must’ve been a bit of confusion
between Shay and me. If she wants her job back, she can have it. I never meant to cause her any
trouble,” she backtracked, making me want to roll my eyes so fucking bad.
She looked down at the table, where a script was sitting, and her eyes darted across the page. “Is
this Shay’s?” she asked, lifting the manuscript into her hands. “I didn’t know she was into
screenwriting.”
“That’s because you never bothered to ask her.”
She began flipping through the manuscript, and I hurried to my feet and snatched it from her hands.
“That’s none of your business.”
“Come on, Landon. If she’s looking to get a real career started, I can help her. I’ll do it as a favor
to you. My dad is the biggest screenwriter in the world. I’m sure I can get Shay a mentoring job
beneath him.”
That sounded way too good to be true, and I knew to refuse Sarah’s offer. I knew she wasn’t a
woman I could trust.
“She’s going to do it on her own, without your help,” I told her. Sure, I’d taken the script from
Shay’s after finding out she lost her job with the purpose of trying to get it into the right hands of
individuals. As time moved on throughout the day, I realized that would’ve been a mistake. She’d
asked me plenty of times to not share her work, and that was what I’d planned to do. Respect her
wishes. I only wished there was a way I could help her, but I knew it was something she needed to do
on her own. They were her dreams—I was simply the lucky bastard who’d be lucky enough to watch
them come to fruition.
“You’re making a mistake,” Sarah warned. “You and I could be the next power couple if you gave
me a real shot.”
“There’s nothing powerful about two people who weren’t meant for each other.”
“How do you know we aren’t meant for each other?”
Because my heart belongs to someone else.
It always has, and always will.
“I’m in love with her, Sarah. There’s no getting around that.”
She huffed, and those true colors of hers began to appear again. “How could you love someone
like her?” she hissed with disgust written all over her face.
“The real question is how could someone like her love a man like me. Regardless, I think it’s time
you leave my trailer.”
“You have a lot of nerve,” she scolded.
“Yeah, I do. Now leave before I have you removed.”
“Never in my life have I’ve been so disrespected!” she whined like a five-year-old who didn’t
get a lollipop.
“Yeah, well,” I shrugged as I walked over to my door and opened it for her to leave. “There’s a
first time for everything.”
 36

Shay

I SAT in Raine’s recliner with baby Jameson in my arms staring at the television screen. Recently,
things began to look up for me. I’d applied for a teaching job at a university to teach screenwriting as
an adjunct professor, and I’d been called back for a second interview. If it weren’t for Karla, I
would’ve never considered teaching, but it turned out I had a passion for educating people on the
written word. Sure, it wasn’t Hollywood, but it felt like a huge opportunity for me to receive.
I wanted to celebrate the news with Landon, but he was off in New York City doing promo with
the devil herself, Sarah, for their upcoming film. Raine and Hank invited me over for some morning
cocktails—and I think secretly so I could hold Jameson and allow them to get a break.
I hadn’t minded at all—Jameson was a little saint.
The television was turned on to Good Morning America, and we all excitedly sat planted around
the screen, waiting to watch Landon’s interview.
When he appeared on the screen, my heart began racing faster just from the sight of him. I was
beating myself up for missing so many of his appearances throughout the years. Now, I couldn’t
imagine missing one of his interviews.
He looked so handsome sitting on the stage and right around his neck was my heart necklace. I’d
finally began wearing my heart necklace again, too. It felt about time to bring it out from collecting
dusk.
“Yes, filming this movie has been a thrill for me,” Landon expressed. “Working with Sarah was a
dream come true,” he exclaimed, and I laughed at the comment. He made me well aware of the
bullshit lies he had to say on camera thanks to the production company.
I could see how he turned up his acting persona when he was on camera. He stood a little taller,
and smiled wider, but those eyes? They were still his, and I could see the real Landon whenever I
looked into them.
“Yes,” Sarah agreed, placing her hand against his knee.
“That bitch,” Raine blurted out.
I couldn’t agree more.
Landon patted her hand playfully and removed it from his leg and went on with the conversation
as if Sarah wasn’t a factor at all.
That’s my boy.
“So, it seems you two enjoy working together,” the interviewer asked. “This is the second time
you’ve worked together after all, right?”
“Yes—” Landon started to answer, but Sarah cut him off.
“It’s been beyond amazing, and I’m excited to share with you that we are going to be working
together on another film this year called, Easton. It’s a beautiful film, written by Shay Gable, about
two lovers who’d went through the biggest of storms with one another,” Sarah said, making my mouth
drop open.
She went on and on about the screenplay, spoiling the whole plot without a care in the world. The
whole plot to my script.
What in the world? How did she know about my story? She’d spoiled the whole thing with a
smile on her face on national television, and I saw the shock that sat in Landon’s eyes.
“What just happened? It looks like Landon’s about to have a panic attack. He normally has a
better poker face,” Raine remarked. She turned to see me and raised an eyebrow after seeing my
expression. “Seriously. What’s going on?”
“That’s my story,” I choked out.
“Wait, what? That’s your plot?” Hank asked, stunned.
“Yes. I’ve been working on that for the longest time. It was the story my agent has been shopping
around. It’s my best piece yet. And Sarah fucking Sims just spoiled it to the world.”
“Holy fucking shit,” Raine breathed out. “What a bitch!”
I couldn’t breathe. I handed Jameson over to his mother, because I couldn’t freaking breathe.
The only way Sarah could’ve known anything about my script was if Landon told her, and I
couldn’t figure out why he’d do that. Why would he take something so important to me and ruin it?
That script was my baby, my star, and he handed it over to another woman. A woman who fired me.
I left Raine’s house and hurried home. I tore my place apart, searching for my words. Searching
for my manuscript that should’ve been sitting in the stack with the others. But it was gone.
He took it away from me without my permission, and every single part of my heart that was
beginning to open up once more for Landon and his love shut instantly.

“I CAN EXPLAIN ,” Landon said as he stood at my apartment door a day later. I hadn’t even known why
I opened the door for him. I figured he’d find his way to me after the interview took place, but I
couldn’t for the life of me imagine what kind of excuse he was going to try to feed me.
My eyes were swollen from spending the previous night crying into my pillow. I knew there was
no way he could come back from what he’d done, from the way he’d betrayed me and my words.
Still, I wanted to see what he was going to say.
“Go ahead. Try.”
He stuffed his hands into his pockets and rounded his shoulders forward. “Sarah must’ve stolen
the script from my trailer while I was doing a scene. It was the only way she could’ve gotten it. After
I told her to piss off the other day, she must’ve felt as if she needed to get revenge on me or
something. So, she took something from me in order to hurt you.”
“I knew that already,” I said.
 He looked up to me with hope in his eyes. “You did?”
“Yes. After working with Sarah for a while, I learned what kind of person she was. I’m not
surprised by that at all. What I am surprised at is the fact that you had my script in the first place.”
His mouth parted to speak, but no words came out.
I nodded. “Exactly. You betrayed me.”
“No, Shay. It’s not like that. I wanted to try to help you after you got fired, but—”
“You didn’t believe I could figure something out on my own. I get it.”
“That’s not it at all. Of course, I believed you could find something. That’s why I changed my
mind and decided to not show anyone your work. I took the script without thinking it through, and I
made a huge mistake.”
“You took something that was mine without my permission. I can’t trust you anymore, Landon.
I’ve dealt with enough liars in my life. I can’t do it again with you.”
“Shay…please…”
“You should go,” I said, placing my hands against the door. I began closing it, closing him out of
my life, because it was the only thing I could think to do. This was my own fault, truly. I let someone
back into my life who’d hurt me in the past. I didn’t understand why I’d expected some different kind
of results.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
“Please, Shay. We can figure this out. I know there’s a way we can work around this. We’ve been
through so much together. We can’t let this break us,” he pleaded, his eyes filled with emotions.
“Exactly, Landon. We’ve been through so much, and I’m tired. I don’t want to do this game where
every few years I get disappointed and hurt. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“But I love you,” he whispered, his voice soaked in pain. “I love you so fucking much, Shay. And
we were so close. We were so damn close to our forever.”
“Maybe forever was just a dream. Not something that would ever be our reality.”
“You don’t mean that. I know you, and you know me. You know we’re supposed to be together.
We’ve been through fucking wars, Shay. Don’t let this put an end to us. Don’t close me out.”
I had to close him out. It was the only way we’d put an end to the painful story that we’d been
living for way too long. It started when we were teenagers, and it grew too big. It was now time to
close our novel. It was time to write our final words.
“I’m sorry, Landon. This is it. We’re over.”
I shut my door and listened to him hammer on it from the other side, but I couldn’t reopen it. I
couldn’t let him back in, no matter how much my heart longed for his love.

“YOU’ RE AFRAID OF LOVE,” Mima explained at Sunday dinner after hearing about the fallout between
Landon and me. She was so concrete in her statement, as if she didn’t see the flaws of her words.
I shook my head, shocked by my grandmother’s comment. Did she not hear how Landon betrayed
me? How he took my work without my permission and allowed it to fall into the wrong hands?
What did that have to do with me being afraid of love?
“That has nothing to do with this issue,” I said. “My love for Landon has nothing to do with me
breaking things off with him. He betrayed me.”
Just like every other man in my life. That was what men did—they let women down.
 “No. He made a mistake, and you are using that mistake as a reason to run. Truth is, you would’ve
found any slip-up he made and used it as an excuse to run the other way, because you are afraid of
love.”
“I’m not afraid of love,’ I said through gritted teeth. A knot sat in the pit of my stomach as those
words floated in my head.
“Sweetheart, she’s right,” Mom agreed, reaching out to take my hand into hers. “I see so much of
me in you and I blame myself for that. You don’t trust men. You have this idea that no matter what,
they will always let you down, and I know I instilled that into your system. I helped build that fear,
and I am so sorry for that, because it’s not true. Not all men are evil.”
“But they all let us down,” I whispered, allowing that deep embedded truth to slip from between
my lips.
“That’s not true,” Mima said. “Do men mess up from time to time? Of course, but so do women.
We are humans—perfectly imperfect. We make mistakes. We go right when we should’ve gone left.
We fall into bad habits. We sometimes hurt the ones we love the most. We try and we fail, but we also
learn from our mistakes and try to do the right thing moving forward. I know Landon and I know you. I
know how you both love one another with a love that is bigger than this world. Don’t run from that
love out of fear, mi amor. Don’t let fear drive you forever. If you do, you’ll end up living in a story
that you weren’t meant to be a part of. Don’t throw away your story before you reach your happily
ever after.”
“Maybe I don’t get the happy ending,” I said, lowering my head. “Maybe Mom was the one meant
to break the family curse, not me.”
“No. It’s both of us,” Mom said, still holding my hand. “We get the happy ending. Just because
you’re sitting in the middle of your story with Landon, doesn’t mean the rest of your pages are
doomed. The ending is going to be worth it, Shay. No happily ever after was ever made from a
perfectly knit story. See this one through. Don’t give up on him just yet.”
I heard their words, I listened to their encouragement, too, but the fear of it all was too loud in my
head to drown out.
They were right. I was afraid of love. I was terrified of being hurt time and time again, and I
didn’t know how to get past my greatest fear.
 37

Landon

“F RANKLY, I’ M WORRIED ABOUT YOU,” Karla said as she sat across from me during our dinner date.
She had a very stern look of worry in her stare as she cut into her steak.
Months passed since Shay pushed me away. She turned her heart cold once more, and I wasn’t
certain that she was ever going to let me try to defrost it again.
“I’m doing good, kiddo,” I said, trying my best to hide my sadness with a grin. Truthfully, my heart
was shattered into a million pieces. Each day was hard, but I kept moving forward the best I could. I
was living on autopilot, taking it day by day. Trying my hardest to not fall apart and spiral into a place
that I couldn’t come back from.
“You’re not doing good,” Karla disagreed. “You are miserable, and I can’t keep seeing you like
this. Which is why I brought in reinforcements.”
I arched an eyebrow. “What? What are you talking about?”
She pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number. “Hey, yes. We’re ready. Come on in.” When
she hung up the phone, she gave me a sloppy grin. “Don’t worry, Uncle Landon. This is for the best.”
Before she could explain herself anymore, the door to the restaurant opened, and a group of
people walked inside.
Greyson, Eleanor, Camila, Maria, Raine, and Hank all gathered around the table. They each
pulled up a chair and sat down.
“What’s going on right now?” I asked, confused as ever.
“We’re having a love intervention,” Camila said, clasping her hands together. “Because we think
it’s about time you get off your butt and do something about winning my daughter’s heart back.”
“What? No. There’s no way I can get back into her good graces. Not after what I’ve done.”
“You mean trying to get her script into the right hands because you cared that much about her
succeeding at her dreams? You mean that mistake?” Maria asked.
“Well, yeah. That’s the one. That piled with all the other stuff of our past is just too much.”
“Bullshit,” Greyson said.
“Yeah, bullshit!” Karla repeated.
“Language, Karla,” Greyson scolded.
 “Sorry, Dad,” she replied.
“Regardless, they are right. Your excuses are weak, just like hers are. You two are just too afraid
of getting the happily ever after you both worked your butts off to receive,” Maria explained. “And
frankly, we are all sick and tired of waiting around for you both to get off your bums and to do
something about it. So, now we’re getting involved.”
“How? I don’t know how I can fix this. I can’t come up with the right words to make this all
okay.”
“You’re right. You can’t come up with new words to give Shay. They might seem too empty, but
what you can do is give her your old words,” Raine offered. “You never stopped writing her in those
notebooks, Landon. You have years of your feelings written down for her to receive. Now’s the time
to pull those out and give them to her. She needs to see those words more than ever.”
I still wasn’t certain. I’d spent the past months pushing myself into Shay’s life. The least I could
do was give her the space she wanted.
“For the love of all good things, can you stop overthinking everything for five minutes and just
take a leap?” Camila barked out, tossing her hands in the air. “I know I wasn’t your biggest fan when
you were younger, Landon, but I was wrong for holding so much against you. I overlooked your love
for my daughter because of my past hurts, and I fear I’ve made her heart hard based on how I spoke
about love around her. She’s afraid of love, Landon. She doesn’t know how to let it back in after
being hurt so many times, but if there is one person who can find a way to break through to her, it’s
you. Your love and your words can heal my daughter’s broken heart. It might take some time, but I
already know that you’re willing to put in the work. So, do it.”
I sighed, feeling a small wave of hope rush into me as the people who loved both Shay and I sat
around the table, pushing for our love story to finally get our happily ever after.
“Do you know what Shay told me once?” Karla asked. “She said, if you’re ever given the chance
to choose between being afraid or being brave, be brave. So, this is your chance, Uncle Landon. This
is your chance to be brave. It’s what Shay would’ve wanted you to do.”
Be brave.
“Yes,” Maria agreed. “Sé valiente. Sé fuerte. Sé amable. Y quédate.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “You’ll have to dumb that one down for me, Maria.”
Camila laughed, and took my hand into hers. “Be brave. Be strong. Be kind. And stay. Now’s the
time to fight for your love, Landon. So, go ahead. Be brave.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “So, where do we begin?”
Raine smiled wide and clasped her hands together. “Okay. So, the plan starts with you kind of,
sort of being an asshole to Shay on Christmas. Like you were in the good ol’ days. Before you two
ever made a silly bet.”
Well, then.
I didn’t see that coming.
“We need you to shake her up a little. Push her in a way she doesn’t see coming,” Raine
explained. “Shay is working hard to keep you at a distance, and if you came to her with nice words,
she’d push them away without thought. So, you have to get under her skin. If you treat her as if you’re
a jerk, she’ll be so confused that she’ll have to react. Her blood will begin to boil, and she’ll be
forced to interact with you. There’s no way she won’t stand up for herself if you treat her like a
monster, and then that’s when you sweep in with part two of this plan.”
“She’s right,” Camila agreed. “Be rude to her.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “Wait. So, you want me to be a jerk to your daughter?”
 “Not only do I want you to do it, I need you to do it. Go ahead, Landon—use those acting skills.
Treat my daughter like shit.”
“Can I say shit, too, Dad?” Karla asked Greyson.
“No, you cannot say shit,” Greyson replied.
I smiled a little and clasped my hands together. “Okay, so what’s part two of this plan?”
“Ohh.” Raine swooned, clapping her hands together. “You’re going to love this part, guaranteed.”
 38

Shay

I’ D SPENT the past few months focusing on the teaching job I’d landed. Each day that passed, I tried
my best not to think about Landon. I’d tried not to recall how much I’d missed him, but I couldn’t stop
him from crossing my mind.
He showed up each day unwelcomed in my thoughts, and like the foolish woman I was, I let the
thoughts linger.
I missed him so much that I still cried every-so-often over him being gone.
I thought I’d be able to turn off my feelings for him like I had when I was younger, but it wasn’t
that easy this time around.
I was having the hardest time truly letting him go. Maybe because falling for him as an adult felt
different. It felt easier in a way. Right up until the point I saw a flash of concern and pushed him away.
I was doing just fine until I began receiving the oddest text messages from Landon before the
holiday.
Landon: I’m daydreaming about you sitting on my face. Thinking of me, too?
What?
What in the hell was that?
Did he accidentally text the wrong girl?
That made my stomach flip in the worst possible way.
I ignored it.
The next day, another message came through from Landon.
Landon: DTF?
Landon: I’ve been dreaming about swimming between your thighs.
A few more days passed.
Landon: Shay, if we can’t be in love, we might as well be fuck acquaintances again. No strings
attached—unless you want me to tie you up.
Clearly, Landon had lost his freaking mind.
I did my best to ignore his messages, but every time one came through, I wanted to throw my
phone across the room.
 When Christmas morning came around, I tried my best to put my best foot forward. I knew I’d be
crossing paths with Landon, and I definitely wasn’t looking forward to it after his crazy messages.
I pulled myself up that morning and headed over to Eleanor’s and Greyson’s for brunch.
It was so odd to say that—Eleanor’s and Greyson’s, as if they were one unit. Eleanor moved in
with him and his two girls not that long ago.
Within the past few months, Greyson and Eleanor had finally made their love story official, and I
was invited to their place Christmas morning to celebrate the holiday with them. I showed up early to
help Eleanor cook and clean for the brunch she was preparing.
Everything was fine and dandy up until I heard the front door open, and Greyson’s youngest
daughter, Lorelai, who was about seven years old, squealed in delight. “Uncle Landon!”
I glanced over my shoulder toward the living room where Landon had just entered the space with
gifts galore in his hands. Every single part of me froze as I looked on to him standing only a room
distance apart from me.
Part of me wanted to crash into him and fall back together.
I wanted to wrap him into my embrace, and pretend our breakup never even happened.
Instead, I stood still.
“Happy Holidays!” He juggled the gifts in one hand, and hugged Lorelai with the other. She was
an adorable little girl, bubbly and full of life. If you ever wanted to hear the most epic stories ever,
you had Lorelai tell them to you—she’d never skip a detail. I swore a story about a simple trip to the
supermarket could last for over an hour, and the way Lorelai told it, there were probably aliens and
unicorns dancing down aisle nine next to the peanut butter and jams. Greyson had a household of
creative minds on his hands.
I scrubbed a dish as I studied Landon’s interaction with his niece-by-love-not-genetics.
Lorelai quickly began digging at the pockets of Landon’s slacks, looking for something quite
intently.
Landon laughed, and the sound sent chills up and down my spine. He looked so good, and healthy,
too. Almost as if he wasn’t as heartbroken as I’d been. Maybe he wasn’t. Perhaps I felt more for him
than he’d felt for me. I wanted to be petty and hate on his happiness, but truthfully, all I ever wanted
was for that man to find himself a happily ever after.
“Okay, okay, okay, let me put these down,” he insisted, moving toward the Christmas tree as he set
down the stack of gifts in his hands. He stood back up straight, reached into his pocket and pulled out
a piece of candy to hand to his niece.
A banana Laffy Taffy.
I tried to ignore the storm of butterflies that attacked my stomach as I witnessed the exchange.
He was carrying candy around in his pockets. He carried Laffy Taffys in his pockets—banana
Laffy Taffys. Still a complete and utter favorite of mine. Memories came rushing back at me as I
thought about when we were in high school, and he filled my locker with all the banana flavored
candy along with peonies. The memory sent a wave of warmth through me. It was one of my favorite
memories of us. I considered that the beginning stage of the Landon and Shay story. Back then, I had
no clue where it was going to take us. I never imagined we’d end up the way that we had.
“If you stare any harder, you might lose your eyesight,” a voice said from over my shoulder,
making me almost drop the plate in my hands.
“What? I wasn’t staring,” I lied as I turned toward Eleanor. “I was seeing who was here, that’s
all.”
She gave me a knowing smile but didn’t dig deeper into the subject.
 I placed the plate down and went back to the rest of the dishes in front of me, trying to shake the
butterflies provoked by seeing Landon working as the candy man.
After I finished up the last of the dishes, I walked through the house to get to the bathroom. On my
way, I passed Karla’s room.
I noticed Landon standing in her bedroom, holding her in a tight embrace. He was whispering
things into her ear, and whatever he was saying seemed to be exactly what Karla needed to hear.
Tears were rolling down her cheeks, but a smile sat against her lips as she kept nodding to his words.
“Okay,” she whispered, “I know, Uncle Landon.”
When he finished speaking to her, he pulled back and gave her the most genuine, heartwarming
smile in the universe. I wished I hadn’t seen it—the way he gave such a broken girl so much comfort.
It made me want to find comfort in his embrace, too, for my broken pieces.
Landon took his thumbs to her face and wiped away her falling tears. “I love you, Karla, and I’m
so glad you’re here.”
I didn’t know if they meant here at Christmas, or here as in alive, but either way, that heart of
mine? Pitter-patter, patter pit.
“I love you too, Uncle Landon, and I’m so glad you’re here.”
Every time the girls called him Uncle Landon, I thought my heart was going to explode from
warmth. The way he loved those girls and the way they smiled when he came into a room?
It was enough to heat the iciest parts of my heart.
Landon’s eyes looked up toward the door, catching me eavesdropping on his sweet moment with
Karla.
At first, he looked surprised, then his lips curved up into the sexiest smile and he nodded once,
parted his lips, and mouthed, “Hi, Chick.”
I shot away toward the bathroom, feeling embarrassed for intruding on their intimate moment.
The second I reached the bathroom, I shut the door, hurried over to the sink, and splashed water
against my face. My whole body felt off, and I wasn’t sure how to handle the flurry of emotions
rushing through me. Landon looked so good, healthy, and happy. I couldn’t stop thinking about walking
over to him and taking him into my arms for a small embrace. What was wrong with me?
Maybe the holiday blues.
More likely the heartbreak blues.
I gently slapped my hands against my cheeks and proceeded to give myself a pep talk. “Okay, pull
yourself together, Shay. It is only Landon after all. There’s nothing to overthink here. You’re a strong,
independent woman who can be in the same room as your ex. You’re both adults and you have been
living a life of your own for a few months now. You can be cordial and kind without allowing any
romantic thoughts to pop in your head. You. Got. This,” I said.
“Yes,” a voice commented on the other side of the door. “You. Got. This.”
I flung the door open to see Landon standing there with such a smug smirk on his face. “What are
you doing?!” I asked. “Don’t you know it’s rude to eavesdrop on someone?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Are you really giving me a scolding about eavesdropping as if you
weren’t doing the same to Karla and me mere seconds ago? Or as if you weren’t eye-fucking me when
I first walked in and was saying hi to Lorelai?”
He noticed me noticing him?
How humiliating.
Also, wait, what? Did he just say I was eye-fucking him?
“I wasn’t eye-fucking you,” I whisper-shouted, feeling my cheeks heating up from embarrassment.
 “Trust me, Chick, I know when I’m being eye-fucked. But don’t worry.” He took a step closer to
me, sending a wave of electricity through my body. “I was eye-fucking you, too.”
He was acting cocky as ever, as if we hadn’t just broken up a few months back. As if we hadn’t
loved each other. He was acting like a complete…cocky asshole.
“Can we stop saying eye-fuck? Also, you should really try to stop calling me Chick. We’re in our
thirties now, Landon. It’s a bit childish.”
“Would you rather me call you honey or darling?”
“You tried both of those in high school. Neither of them worked.”
“Then what should I call you?”
“How about we go with Shay?”
“Okay, Chick. I’ll see what I can do.”
What the hell?
He smiled a wicked grin, as if he knew something I’d yet to discover.
“You can call me Shannon, if you want to keep it professional,” I offered, trying to ignore the
hiccup that was sitting in my throat.
He took a step closer to me. I watched his eyes dance across my body, moving up and down every
inch, following to my lips, which he fixated on for what felt like hours, even if it was only mere
seconds.
“What in the world makes you think I want to be anywhere near professional with you, Shay
Gable?”
Oh, sweet Caroline, he was eye-fucking me. I felt the pool of heat in my stomach starting to build
and the trembling of my thighs as Landon proceeded to eye-fuck me right there in Greyson’s hallway,
underneath the mistletoe.
I took a step back, trying to interrupt the awkward yet delicious interaction between us. I guessed
he could see how he made me feel, based on the redness of my cheeks.
His smile deepened, pleased by how flustered he left me.
He took a step back, and I took another two.
“Merry Christmas, Shay,” he whispered, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a banana Laffy
Taffy.
I huffed and puffed and blew my nerves down as I snatched the candy from his grip. “Whatever,
Landon. Merry Christmas.”
I hurried back into the kitchen to help Eleanor prepare food. She raised an eyebrow my way. “Are
you okay?”
“Fine. Everything’s peachy,” I grumbled to myself, thinking about how odd Landon was acting.
“You know what, I’m not peachy. You know what I hate most in this world?”
“What’s that?”
“Landon Harrison.” She laughed as if she didn’t believe me, because of course it was ridiculous,
but I couldn’t get the unease out of my chest, so I kept going on. “I mean, can you believe that? When I
showed up today, he had the nerve to say, ‘Merry Christmas,’ to me. Can you believe that asshole?” I
spat out.
By asshole I meant I loved him.
She laughed. “How rude.”
“Exactly! It’s like he’s trying to play some mind games.”
“Or, he just meant Merry Christmas.”
I huffed and puffed. Maybe I was overthinking everything.
 At least that was what I thought until he popped his head into the kitchen. “Need any help in here,
ladies?” he asked.
“You cook?” I countered.
“Yeah, sometimes.”
“Why do I find that hard to believe?”
“I don’t know, but if you give me a few minutes, I’m sure I can bring some nice sausage into your
life.” He winked my way.
He.
Winked.
My stomach rolled from his words. It was so out of character for him, and I hadn’t a clue what
was going on. He was reminding me of the old Landon that I used to hate so much.
“You’re disgusting,” I bellowed, freaking confused by the person speaking to me. That wasn’t the
man I loved. Not at all.
“I’m just saying, it will probably be the best meat you’ll had in a while. And if memory serves me
right, which it does, you kind of already told me how much you loved my sausage.”
“Shut up, Landon,” I hissed as my cheeks heated up. “You’re so cocky.”
“I know, right?”
“Oh, fuck off, Landon,” I breathed out, completely flustered and embarrassed by the way he was
talking.
The rest of the morning continued with the crude remarks, and odd looks from Landon, leaving me
feeling completely uneased. It felt as if I stepped into the Twilight Zone and had no way of getting out.
When it was time for brunch, Eleanor asked me to go gather everyone up. “The guys are in Grey’s
office. Just go on in and tell them to come.”
I agreed and hurried in their direction. As I went to open the closed door, I paused as I heard
voices talking. “All I’m saying is, I could get Shay to fall in love with me all over again if I wanted
to, but I don’t. I have better things to do with my time,” Landon remarked, sending a dagger straight
through my heart.
“I doubt it, man. I bet you couldn’t do it. She’s over you,” Hank added to the conversation.
“I’m with Hank,” Greyson remarked. “She’s not going to come back to you.”
“Let’s put money on it,” Landon said. “Two thousand dollars says I can make Shay fall in love
with me again in the next three months.”
“Whoa, whoa. Not everyone has a whiskey company or is a famous actor. Some of us are poor.
I’ll bet fifty bucks. Nothing higher,” Hank added in, and I was beyond pissed off now.
They were truly betting on me as if we were back in high school. There was no way I was going
to have any part of this again.
I barged into the room, ready to snap on the guys for their childish behavior, but I paused my steps
when I walked inside and saw papers scattered all across the office space. Pieces of papers hung
from the ceiling like stars filling the sky. Papers covered the floors and the bookshelves. Hundreds
and hundreds of pages across the room.
I looked up at the three guys, who were cheesing too hard.
“What’s going on?” I asked, looking at them with their cheeky smiles.
“I think we’ll leave that for Landon to answer,” Greyson said as he and Hank hurried out of the
room, shutting the door behind them.
My heart was pounding in my chest as if it was seconds away from leaping out of my body. “What
is all of this?”
 “It’s us,” he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He walked toward me and nodded toward
the ceiling. “Well, at least it’s me speaking to you. There’s over three thousand pieces of paper. Three
thousand letters that I’d written to you. Three thousand pages of my love for you.”
I picked up a piece of paper from the ground, completely confused by what he was talking about.
My eyes skated across the words as tears began to form in my eyes.

January 8 th, 2007

Chick,

Tonight is a hard one. I haven’t been able to sleep. I wanted to call you, but I doubt you
still have my number. I wanted to hold you, but I knew I no longer had that right. My mind’s
been heavy lately, and the only way I’d been able to slow it down is when I think of you.
I think of your smile. Your laugh. Your dimple. Your kindness.
Every time I’m overwhelmed, I think of your heartbeats.
It always calms the war inside my soul.
I miss you.
I think I always will.
Raine told me you’re happy lately. In turn, so am I.

-Satan

I picked up more letters, my eyes shooting across the pages as if I were an addict in need of my
next fix.

February 3 rd, 2010

Happy birthday, Chick. I hope it’s one in a million.

-Satan

And another.

July 12 th, 2014

Chick,

I know it’s stupid that I still write these letters, but after all this time, it’s become a routine.
It keeps my head clear, and my therapist says anything that keeps my mind on track is
something worth keeping around. So, I keep crafting my words for you. Only ever for you.
Last night I wanted to dream of your eyes.
I hate that they are fading from my memory.
 -Satan

And another…

August 23 rd, 2018,

Chick,

Last night you told me you hated me at the whiskey party.

I hated that I wanted to tell you that I still loved you. That you still felt like home to me.
That the happiest time of my life, was when I was in your arms. I can’t blame you for hating
me. I’d hate me too for what I’ve done.
But my love for you is still there sitting strong within my chest.
I love you times two. I don’t think that will ever change.

-Satan

“You…you wrote me every day for the past decade?” I choked out, shock racing through my
system as I stood in the middle of Landon’s mind. Words he created solely for me.
“Yes. I knew there came a point when I should’ve stopped, but I couldn’t. I felt as if I stopped
writing my letters, I’d officially lose you, and I never wanted that. I never wanted to let you go.”
I walked over to him, treading through his stories, and took his hands into mine. I placed them
against my chest and shook my head. “My heart doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. I’m afraid of
loving you, because that means I can lose you again, Landon, and that terrifies me.”
“I know. I know how much it scares you, because it scares me, too. I’m terrified that I’m going to
mess this up. I’m terrified that I’m going to ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me due to my
slips into depression, or my struggles with sometimes making mistakes. The idea of losing you all
over again is too much for me, though. We can be scared, but still stay. We can be afraid, and still
honor our love. Still fight for this, because this is it, Shay. There’s never going to be anything or
anyone else for you. You’re my story. You’re my final page. You’re my final word.”
I took a deep inhalation and released it slowly. “What if I take too long to figure out how to stop
being afraid?”
“Remember what you said to me when we were younger? How you told me to take my time and to
go slow? I need you to do that for yourself, but I’ll be right here waiting, ready to pick you up if you
start to fall. I promise to go slow with you, to take the time to relish in our love, to not speed through
it and miss the beautiful moments—your laugh, your smile, your heartbeats. I promise to move quietly
though our love story, taking in every breath with care and passion. I promise you all over this, all of
me. I promise you that I’ll sé valiente, sé fuerte, sé amable, y quédate.” The moment those words fell
from his tongue, the tears began rolling down my cheeks.
I kissed him.
It was so gentle and small that I wasn’t even sure that it qualified as a kiss, but my lips brushed
against his as time stood still.
“This time’s forever?” I whispered against his lips.
 “This time’s forever. I couldn’t imagine spending another day without you by my side. I love you,
Shay. More than words, I love you, and I am going to spend the rest of my life making up for all the
memories we missed out on creating. This,” he said, pulling me in closer to his chest. “You, me, and
us. This is only the beginning of our beautiful story, and I cannot wait to see what else we write
against our pages.”
“This is going to be the best story I’ve ever written.”
He rested his forehead against mine, holding me as if he had no plans of ever letting me go. “I
love you times two,” he said, kissing me gently.
“I love you times two,” I echoed.
And times three, times four, times infinity.
 EPILOGUE

Shay
Two years later

“HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP ?” Mom asked as she peeked her head into my fitting room.
My heart raced as I stared into the mirror. The dress that lie against my body was everything I’d
ever dreamed of. It was the first wedding gown I’d tried on, and I knew instantly it was the dress for
me. Still, Raine and Eleanor pushed for me to try on a few more options.
“You never go with your first option, because there’s always something better around the
corner,” Raine explained. “Plus, this is the first day I’ve had away from Jameson in the past two
years, so I need you to take longer so I can get drunk on the free champagne.”
After the seventh dress, and Raine had found herself a nice champagne buzz, I’d returned to the
original dress that I’d instantly fell in love with.
Sometimes in life, the first option was always the best one.
That went for the dress, and for the man I would be marrying in a few months.
Over the past two years, Landon and I put in the work to make our love story grow. We’d learned
more about each other’s highs and lows. Even though I didn’t personally suffer from depression like
Landon, I did have days, weeks, and months where I’d feel completely off. I’d go through waves of
self-doubt and whenever those days came, Landon stood by my side. It took a long time to build up
my trust in our relationship. I suffered from so many old beliefs that polluted my mind, and fear
sometimes leaked into my heart making me believe that things were too good to true. That someday,
Landon would realize that he was better off without me. That I wasn’t enough.
On those days, weeks, and months, Landon moved in closer to me. His love became a weapon
toward my self-doubts, and he slayed them by reminding me of our truths. That our love was strong.
That our love was real. That no matter the storms, the sun would always shine on our story.
When he asked me to marry him, it was the easiest yes of my life.
“I think this is it.” I turned to my mother with tears in my eyes. “This is the dress I want to marry
Landon in.”
Her eyes beamed. “It’s perfect. Simply perfect.”
Over the past years, I’d never seen my mother happier. David did as he promised and went above
and beyond to show the amount of love he had for Mom. They’d been happily married for over a year
now, and never in my life did I know love could be so whole.
It turned out not all men were evil—some wanted nothing but happiness for the loves of their
lives. That was one of the best truths I’d ever learned.
Mima popped her head into the fitting room and her eyes swelled up with tears as she looked my
way. “My gosh, that’s it, isn’t it? I knew it the first time I saw you in it.”
“Yes. This is the one.” I nodded as I ran my fingers against the beautiful cream fabric. It was a
princess gown, covered in lace and crystals throughout the dress.
Mima walked toward me with a large envelope in her hands and held it out to me. “I was
instructed to give this to you once you’ve made your final choice. Come on, Camila. Let’s give her
some time alone with the package.”
The two left the fitting room, and I ripped the package open.
Inside was a notebook with a few pieces of candy in the bottom of the package.
Banana Laffy Taffys.
My lips curved into a grin as I opened the notebook and began reading the words against the page.

Chick,

Today is the day the woman of my dreams has found the dress of hers dreams. You’ve
discovered the dress you’ll wear when you walk down the aisle to give me my happily ever
after. I never believed in love stories before you entered my life. I didn’t believe in romance
or happy endings, or anything with an ounce of life.
You changed all of that for me. You brought me into a new realm of beliefs. You’ve made
me a believer in true love, and I cannot thank you enough for that.
I wanted to share a few words with you about how you’ve changed my life for the better,
how without you, there is no home.
You’re the definition of strength and love. Not only love for others, but for yourself. It’s
been an honor to watch how you’ve grown into the strong woman that you are today. You
fight for your happiness in all aspects of your life, and you inspire me to be better. You push
me to chase my dreams without concerns of the opinions of others. You calm the storm
inside my head. When I am in the depths of a warzone, you still my mind.
You are my soulmate, my heartbeats, my fairy tale love, and I cannot say enough how
much you’ve shaped me into a better person.
When you walk down the aisle toward me in that beautiful gown, know that I am
promising you my forever. I am promising you my ups and downs. I am promising you I’ll
put in the work to make you happy. To make myself happy. To make us happy.
There was a point in my life where I never thought I’d make it to my thirties. I’d lived
with a cloud of darkness hovering over me that I thought would never clear, then you came
into my life and shone your life on me. You brought me to a place where I’d learned to make
peace with my demons, not by enabling me, but by pushing me to want more for myself. To
give myself the best chance at life.
You’ve saved me.
Day in and day out, you save my life.
I love you times two. From now until forever. I cannot wait for you to be my wife.
 Here’s to our story. Our struggles, our light.
Thank you for the beautiful words you’ve given me throughout the years.
I am the man I am today, because of your love.

-Satan

P.S. You look so beautiful today. Don’t worry, I’m not around the corner sneaking a peek. I
just know that no matter what’s on your body, you always glow. I hope you can feel my love
today from a distance. I’m sending it in waves.

My lips curved up into the biggest smile as my heart pounded against my chest. Once upon a time,
I fell in love with a boy. A beautiful, broken boy who had his own world of struggles. He fought his
demons. He went to battle each day and came back stronger than before, and he was mine.
All his bumps, all his bruises, and all his battle scars were mine, and I loved every single one.

Landon
Six years later

“AND THE WINNER for best screenplay goes to”—the announcer took his time opening the envelope as
my hand stayed wrapped tightly in Shay’s grip—“Steven Kane for Beyond.”
The room cheered loudly for Steven as he walked up the steps of the stage to accept his Oscar for
the night. Shay and I applauded for him as he delivered his speech. The guy even cried, which was
expected. He’d been up for ten Oscars in the past and had never won one in his life.
Still, I felt as if my wife had been robbed from the award.
Shay had been nominated for her first ever Oscar, and she’d taken the loss the way she’d taken
every moment in her life: with grace and humility. She clapped for Steven with a true genuine smile
against her lips, and that was the reason I loved her the most: because she knew how to be happy for
others. She understood that Steven’s success didn’t deem her as a failure. She knew that no matter
what, she was good enough—with or without others telling her so.
She never took me up on my offer to pass on her name in order to get her work seen to the world,
though, oddly enough, Sarah Sims helped her out on that front. All those years ago after Sarah blasted
Shay’s story on Good Morning America, a few agents reached out to Shay, asking her if she was in
need of representation. It was funny how the universe worked—what seemed like the end of Shay’s
dreams coming true was truly just the beginning.
From there, she worked hard with her new agent, Maggie Estate, to reach her goals. The first time
we’d watched her film in the movie theater, I cried like a fucking baby because I was so proud of her.
She was the definition of perseverance. Throughout the years, Shay had been told ‘no’ dozens of
times, but she never gave up on her dreams because her belief in herself was bigger than any other
person’s ‘no’.
“Someday, someone will have to say ‘yes’,” she’d always say. “So, now’s not the time to quit.”
I loved that about her—her willingness to never give up on anything. Thankfully she never gave
up on me. Even through our darkest days, she still kept a part of her heart open for our love.
I was never as good as she was at not drowning in self-doubts, but she taught me how to breathe
through the hard times. She taught me that every second was a chance to begin again. Whenever I fell,
I’d remember that I could stand up and begin again. When I fell, Shay was there reaching out toward
me with her love, helping me back to my feet.
I’d wished I could’ve said I cured myself of my depression, but that wasn’t the case. I did,
however, learn to honor my darkness. To not push it to the side, and to have truthful conversations
with my despair. I’d allowed myself to feel what I had to feel sometimes to work through my issues.
Day in and day out, I’d unpacked my boxes, and the beautiful thing about unpacking was that I was
able to make room for the beautiful things coming into my world.
Three things to be exact.
Three good things.

1. Shannon Sofia Harrison

2. Ava Maria Harrison
3. Lance James Harrison

The three loves of my life.

When Shay and I learned that we were having twins, we were overjoyed. Ava and Lance both
turned five last weekend, and they were the happiest children known to mankind. They were just like
their mother—the lighthouse that led me home each night.
After the award show, Shay and I decided to skip out on Vanity Fair’s Oscars Party. There was
our own celebration waiting for us back at home.
When we arrived at our Los Angeles home, a smile creeped on my face as Shay’s eyes widened
with joy.
“You didn’t,” she breathed out, stunned.
“I did.”
Standing on the front porch were all of our loved ones, holding up a sign that said, “You’re our
winning lady.” Everyone flew out for the big event. All of our friends and families showed up to
cheer on our leading lady.
Tears formed in Shay’s eyes as our little ones held handmade Oscars in their hands.
When we stepped out of the car, they rushed to their mother and wrapped their arms around her.
“Here’s your real Oscars, Mama,” Ava said, handing the crafts over to her. “The ones on TV looked
really fake.”
“Yeah, Mama. You get two here, unlike on that stupid show,” Lance said, handing his over, too.
Tears rolled down her face and she kissed the cheeks of our children. “These are the best awards
I’ve ever won.”
We hugged everyone who’d showed up that night and popped bottles of champagne in honor of
Shay’s huge accomplishment. The night went on and on with laughter, joy, and love. As I looked
around my home, I realized that everything I’d ever dreamed of had come true. It wasn’t about fame,
money, or success. It was about family, love, and happiness. I had all three of those things
overflowing into my life. I was the luckiest man alive—scars and all.
As the night faded to a close, everyone agreed to meet up the next day for a big brunch
celebration.
 Shay headed off to our room to take a shower and get ready for bed as I took on the task of putting
the little ones to bed.
“Can you read another?” Lance yawned as he lay in bed.
“Yeah, Daddy, another,” Ava said, echoing Lance’s yawn. Even though they could’ve easily had
their own bedrooms, the twins were convinced they wanted to share a room until they were one
hundred and four. We’d see how they felt about that when the teenage years came swinging by.
I walked over to them and kissed each of their foreheads. “Not tonight. We’ve already read four
books, and it’s way past your bedtime.”
They both pouted, but I wasn’t going to give in. The night before, I ended up reading them six
books. Shay called me a pushover. I agreed times a million. It wasn’t a surprised that the kids loved
stories so much, seeing how their mother was one of the most amazing storytellers of all time.
Almost, good enough for an Oscar.
Again, if you asked me, she was robbed.
I turned off the kids’ bedroom light and headed to my room to fall into bed with a very exhausted
wife.
She was already half asleep as I crawled into bed beside her. I kissed her forehead as I pulled her
body against mine. She melted into me as if her heartbeats were made to solely fit against mine.
“I’m so happy,” she whispered, brushing her lips against mine.
“Me too.” So damn happy.
She yawned and snuggled in closer. Her eyes were closed as sleepiness began to pull her in for
the remainder of the night, but her lips parted as she softly asked me the most important question of
my life. “How’s your heart?”
“Completely full,” I replied.
That heart of mine? That damaged, battered, and bruised heart that sat inside of my chest? It
would forever and always be beating for her.

THE END .
 ELEANOR & GREY

If you enjoyed the Landon & Shay duet, check out Eleanor & Grey’s story here:
Buy on Amazon (FREE with Kindle Unlimited)
 THE ELEMENTS SERIES BY BRITTAINY C. CHERRY
ALL STANDALONE NOVELS WITH NO INTERCONNECTED CHARACTERS! ENJOY TODAY!

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed Eleanor & Grey, then you will fall in love with the men of the Element Series! You can download
the complete Elements Series Collection for free in Kindle Unlimited here: The Complete Elements Series
Or, each of the titles are available separately (All standalones and free in Kindle Unlimited):
The Air He Breathes

The Fire Between High & Lo

The Silent Waters

The Gravity of Us
 ALSO BY BRITTAINY C. CHERRY

Art & Soul

Our Totally, Ridiculous, Made-Up Christmas Relationship

The Space in Between

Loving Mr. Daniels

Behind the Bars

Disgrace
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First and foremost, I want to thank Virginia Tesi Carey for going above and beyond to help me with
the creation of this novel. She stood by me through the ups and downs, and I quite honestly couldn’t
have done it without her help and support.
This book is for my family, who always has my back no matter what. They are everything good in
this world, and I know I wouldn’t be able to do what I love without their support. Throughout my own
anxiety, they have stood by my side and lifted my spirits. I love you all so much.
To the man I love more than words: Thank you for holding me up whenever I’m close to
drowning. I love you times two.
Thank you to Hang Le for yet another amazing set of covers. I am blown away by you.
This book is for the editors and proofreaders who always show up when I need them Caitlin,
Ellie, Jenny, and Virginia: you have no clue how often you save my life. Thank you.
Thank you to every reader and blogger who help me day in and day out with sharing my stories
with the world. Writing Landon and Shay was such a tough thing to do, because it made me look deep
into the world of depression, and it almost swallowed me whole. I wanted to give up because the
book felt too heavy, too real, too much, but I believed someone out there needed these words. Even if
that person was myself.
Thank you for reading. I hope your hearts are full. I hope they are still beating. And I hope you
know that this world is better because you are here.
Until next time.
-BCherry
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Brittainy C. Cherry is an Amazon #1 Bestselling Author who has always been in love with words. She graduated from Carroll University
with a Bachelor’s degree in Theatre Arts and a minor in Creative Writing. Brittainy lives in Brookfield, Wisconsin. When she’s not
running a million errands and crafting stories, she’s probably playing with her adorable pets or traveling to new places.

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