i’m strong on the surface (not all the way through)

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/46043536.

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: Major Character Death
Category: M/M
Fandom: Merlin (TV)
Relationship: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Character: Merlin (Merlin), Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Additional Tags: BAMF Merlin (Merlin), Idiots in Love, Protective Arthur Pendragon
(Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Feels,
Hopeful Ending, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Episode: s05e12-13
The Diamond of the Day (Merlin), Canon Divergence - Episode: s05e13
The Diamond of the Day (Merlin), beta’d by the phenomenal merthur
queen fluffypotatey, thank u miss fluff ilysm, happy glompfest!!, Inspired
by Music, Inspired by a Linkin Park Song, Song: Leave Out All The Rest
(Linkin Park), Mild Language, BC ITS ME KSKWKW i curse, POV
Merlin (Merlin)
Language: English
Collections: Merthur Glompfest 2023
Stats: Published: 2023-05-04 Words: 1,781 Chapters: 1/1

i’m strong on the surface (not all the way through)

by bellamyblakru

Summary

what if arthur wasn't the one to get stabbed that day... what if it was merlin, instead?

Notes

(I PUT MCD JUST IN CASE SOMEONE YELLS AT ME. BUT. CAN SOMEONE WHO
IS IMMORTAL RLLY DIE??? A PART TWO MAYBE? we'll see how this goes)

also!! to the glompee, i hope i did your prompt justice. linkin park is my all time favorite
band, so this was something personal to me, too. thank you for giving me the opportunity to
use my two loves together ♥️

See the end of the work for more notes

when my time comes / forget the wrong that i’ve done / help me leave behind some / reasons to be
missed / don’t resent me / and when you're feeling empty / keep me in your memory / leave out all
the rest
Merlin had to look his king in the eyes—those damn eyes that reminded him of a summer sky, of
love, of belonging—and tell him he could not join him, tell him that he had to be somewhere that
was more important than at the king’s side, somewhere he couldn’t follow.

His king called him a coward—and that was the truth, wasn’t it? Too afraid to speak, to tell him
everything of who he was and how he felt, but hearing that from the one person who he never, ever
wanted to let down did some damage.

So, when Merlin jumped in front of Mordred’s blade forged in dragon fire, the pain felt little in the
face of that drowning disgust he felt at himself for leaving.

“What-“ he heard Arthur breathe behind him, the sword protruding out his chest cleanly through
his back.

Mordred’s eyes and hands betrayed him, a flicker of surprise and moment of a small regret, long
enough so that Merlin could get the upper hand. Without looking at Arthur, Merlin summoned
Excalibur to his hand and aimed it at the knight’s heart.

The relief that flooded Mordred’s face was more painful to watch than the life leaving his body,
but Merlin’s regrets for this loss were already deeply formed and long lost to time.

A scream of anguish distracted them away from the lifeless knight to a disheveled Morgana, who’s
loud tears were filled with violent blood and an acute fear. Her voice sounded as if she had been
screaming for weeks without reprieve.

“Emrys,” she hissed, stalking closer to the scene, “you are going to pay for what you have done.”

Merlin sighed. “I’d like to see you try.”

As expected, her next bout of explosive magic was aimed at Arthur, who looked dumbstruck
beside him, so Merlin simply stepped right, lifting a relaxed hand to deflect the hit. Again, a gasp
from Arthur, but Merlin had no time to face him now. With a small flick of his wrist, a golden
shield erupted into life covering his golden king as he walked away.

He called Aithusa away from the chaos, called Kilgharrah to their aid, as he swiped his hands as if
he was fighting an annoying fly, batting away Morgana’s lame attempts of magic.

Bloodshed and bodies were scattered across the field, the grime and death making every step fill
with agony toward her. He blamed himself for the carnage here.

His tears were slowly falling by the time they faced one another. This was never going to end
happily, was it? he thought, the blood from the hole in his chest sticking uncomfortably to his
tunic.

Destiny was never going to let them be content, to live in a world where Arthur and Merlin could
coexist with both freedom and love.

“Emrys,” she barked, the sweat pouring down her face.

Normally, Merlin would feel like this could be a fair fight between them, but ever since he got his
powers back, he felt… different. More sure, maybe, that his powers were not like hers, not like
anyone or anything else in this world.

The trees responded to his calls, the ground, the sky, the air, the very existence of everything
around them clung to his breath, waiting to be heard.
“It ends today, Morgana,” Merlin said, his voice cracking with the thunder above.

Still, she sent useless spells his way, but Merlin waited until she was too spent to keep going,
waited until her face fell in realization.

He walked closer now, her eyes roaming his face for any sign as to what happened to him. “I blame
myself for what happened to you, Morgana. If it means anything, I am sorry.”

Her face crinkled into disgust, “I don’t want nor need an apology from you.”

“No, I didn’t think you would, but that doesn’t change the fact that I needed you to hear it.”

He moved faster than she could respond, the sword finding and cutting through her heart within a
moment’s breath.

“A normal blade won’t kill me,” she cackled weakly.

Merlin thrusted his hand up, the action making her color drain faster. “It’s a good thing this is no
normal blade.”

As Morgana’s smile faded, her eyes rolling back, Merlin watched, and waited, until there was no
more life left, until there was no more threat of violence from her ever again.

After taking Excalibur, Merlin turned around to assess the fight to find that there was no more
sword movement. Apparently, Morgana’s men fled the second Merlin overpowered her, leaving
Camelot’s army moaning and shouting for survivors.

Like always, Merlin’s eyes quickly found Arthur’s. His king stood where he left him, his eyes
empty as they stared at the warlock. Merlin could only walk to him. To the one person who meant
more to him than himself, than the very world itself. Arthur barely blinked as Merlin fell to his
knees in front of him, the sound of the impact not registering to either man.

Merlin didn’t look up as Arthur spoke with a deadly calm to the air above him.

“You have magic.”

Not a question.

“Yes.”

A small intake of breath was the only indication that Arthur heard him.

“How long?”

A small pause. “Since I was born.”

“That’s impossible,” Arthur stumbled back a step away from the electric tension between them.
“You- I- No,” he shook his head vehemently, “I would know.”

Merlin could only glimpse at his king, but he couldn’t maintain the glance long enough before
looking back down at his bloodied clothes.

“I use it only for you, Arthur. Only you.”

“So,” Arthur choked, “everything’s been a lie? You were using me this whole time, and for what?
To bring magic back? To take over? Since the beginning, nothing between us…whatever it was, it
wasn’t real?”

Merlin gasped out, his tears blurring his vision, his air supply coming in too short, too quickly.

“It was-“

“Bullshit!” Arthur interrupted with a yell, pulling his sword away from the warlock. But the burst
of energy died before he could do anything with it, and he soon fell awkwardly to his knees in front
of Merlin.

“Bullshit,” Arthur repeated quietly, the ache of it piercing the warlock.

It was too much for him. Merlin’s torso gave up the little strength it was holding onto as he
collapsed to the side.

A few moments of blissful silence followed his fall, but when he managed to open his eyes again,
he was somehow cradled in Arthur’s lap, the king’s face looking more terrified than he had ever
seen him, his lips moving in words Merlin couldn’t hear.

“Merlin? Merlin, come on, wake up. Merlin, you can’t die yet, you can’t die until I say you can.”

A burning laugh escaped Merlin’s lips. “When have I ever listened to you?”

Arthur gave a watery smile, “True.”

Those sky blue eyes searched Merlin’s face, searched the wound that was now covered with a
thick layer of dirt and soot.

Merlin couldn’t help but ask: “Weren’t you about to kill me?”

Arthur frowned. “I can’t kill you if you’re hurt. And you can’t tell me anything if you’re already
dead.”

“Ever the pragmatic prat, aren’t you, my lord?” Merlin smiled.

His king couldn’t reply as a coughing fit took over Merlin’s body, the force of it rattling through
his chest, the blood spilling out of his mouth at the reverberations.

“Merlin? Merlin-“

It was weird to hear desperation from Arthur, Merlin thought. This man was always so calm in the
face of danger, so what had him so panicked now?

“Arthur?” Merlin forced his eyes back open as he felt Arthur’s tears hit his face. “Why are you
crying?”

“I’m not,” he said softly. “I have something in my eyes.”

Laughing lightly, Merlin nodded in understanding. He soon sobered up when Arthur began
whispering useless promises in his ears.

Oh. It finally hit him. He was dying, wasn’t he? And this time, he probably wasn’t coming back
from it. It was a sword bathed in dragon fire—something meant to kill even the strongest magic
users.

Was that why Arthur was crying?

 “Don’t you despise me?”

Arthur’s breath caught, “I guess not. But that doesn’t mean you can die on me, you know. Gaius is
coming soon, don’t worry. He will help you. I know he will.”

Again, that weird sensation in Merlin’s chest had him looking for those eyes he thought would hate
him forever after today.

The air cradled him in its softness, the sky whispering his name, and Merlin knew suddenly what
he had to do. Without warning, Merlin reached up and held both sides of Arthur’s face, wiping
away the tears that fell. Merlin couldn’t speak anymore, but he could show his king.

His lips found Arthur’s, and through it, his magic poured out. It showed him everything that they
went through, everything Merlin did in the darkness, every bad decision and mistake, every victory
and surprise, every action and thought that he had hidden away for over a decade. It was a parallel
story to Arthur’s life, one filled with similar ups and downs and challenges that a king would
encounter.

By the end, Arthur’s forehead rested on Merlin’s, their labored breathing mixing in the space
between them.

“All this time,” he mumbled. “All this time you went through this alone.”

Merlin smiled through the tears, “Never alone.”

Arthur’s eyes fluttered open. “You can’t leave me. Not now, not ever. We aren’t done yet. You
have to help me bring magic back, to keep Camelot safe.”

“You don’t need me anymore,” Merlin replied softly, holding a weak hand against Arthur’s cheek.

Arthur covered his hand with his own, kissing the warlock’s palm. “Yeah, well, I want you.”

And wasn’t that enough? That was all Merlin ever wanted to hear. That he was loved for
everything he was, that he was enough to the man that held his heart so tightly.

“Arthur,” he cried. “I’ll find you in our next life.”

“Merlin, please-“ his king pleaded, the words coming in from far away. “Please, don’t leave me
behind.”

“I love you,” Merlin said into the distance growing between them, his voice barely audible to
himself.

And although he didn’t hear Arthur’s answer as the darkness claimed him for the last time, he
knew, in his heart and soul, that his king said it back to him.

End Notes

hi yall!! i hope you enjoyed ♥️lemme know if you would like a second part where merlin
comes back LMFAO

you can come yell at me on tumblr @bellamyblakru thank u for reading!!

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