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Joke A Day's Nasty Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.
com
Nasty Jokes (Volume 1)

Ray Owens
www.jokeaday.com
Joke A Day's Nasty Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com
This Chinese guy walks into a bar. There's a black bartender tending bar. The Chinese
guy says, "Ahh, give me a jigger, nigger."
Naturally, this pisses off the black man something terrible. "Yo, asshole, I didn't
appreciate that. How'd you like it if I wuz da customah and I came in here and said
something derogatory to yer yeller ass? How would YOU feel, Jack?"
The Chinese guy thinks for a moment, says, "Hokay. Sounds like deal to me." He grabs
the black man's rag from his hand, *jumps* over the bar, and says, "Now, you go outside,
come back in, say something stupid, and we'll see how I feel."
The black guy walks out from behind the bar, out the door, lets the door close. Three
seconds later, he struts back thru the same door, walks up the counter, and addresses the
Chinese guy. "Yo, Chink, give me a drink."
The Chinese guy says, "Ahh, so sorry, we don't serve niggers here."
A man takes his girl out. On the way home he stops five miles out of town and tells her
he wants to fuck her. She refuses to put out so he . . . puts her out. She walks back.
The next night they go back out again. This time, though, he has the presence of mind to
go out of town *15* miles before he stops the car and again tells her he wants to fuck her.
She declines. Once again, she's put out of the car, and treks 15 long miles back home.
Third night (you see a pattern here?) they're out. 30 miles away from home he stops the
car. "I wanna fuck you."
But this time she gives in. Rather enthusiastically, to tell you the truth.
After the humping and pumping, he asks her why she gave in finally.
She replies, "Look, for a friend, I'd walk five miles. I'd even walk fifteen miles. But
there's no way on earth I'd walk thirty miles EVEN to save a *friend* of mine from a
case of Herpes!"
A white guy and a black guy were having a footrace through a tunnel. Which one won?
The white guy, of course. The black guy had to stop to spray paint
"MOTHERFUCKER" on the wall.
Amanpreet died and was sent on up to heaven. As he approached the pearly gates, Saint
Peter approached him to welcome him in. Amanpreet politely told him "Thank you very
much, Saint Peter. As you may be aware, I am a Muslim, and would really appreciate
being greeted by Mohammed."
Saint Peter replied, "Certainly, if that's your wish. Take the staircase on your left and go
up".
Approaching the top of the staircase, Amanpreet was met by Buddha, waiting to
welcome him into Heaven. Once again Amanpreet explained to him that he was a
Muslim and wanted to be greeted by Mohammed. Buddha directed him up another
staircase, where this time he was met by Moses.
Amanpreet, slightly exasperated, offered his thanks to Moses and a little more
vehemently, asked that he be greeted by Mohammed. Moses pointed to a golden
escalator, and told him to take it up to the top floor where he would find Mohammed.
Arriving at the top floor, Amanpreet found himself being led to a table, where this time,
Jesus himself was waiting to greet him. Amanpreet was angry by now, and had had
enough. "Thank you very much, Jesus. I mean no offense to you or anyone else, but I
AM A MUSLIM, AND I DEMAND TO SEE THE GREAT PROPHET
MUHAMMED!!!"
"You want to see Mohammed?" asked Jesus with a puzzled expression.
"YES! Very much so!" replied Amanpreet.
"OK. Fine. No problem." replied Jesus. "By the way, how do you take your coffee?"
This time it was Amanpreet who was puzzled. "Uh, black, no sugar. Why?"
Jesus stands up from the table and snaps his fingers. "YO! MOHAMMED! Over here.
Two coffees. Black. No Sugar."
Little Johnny's younger brother, Little Timmy, was opening up his Christmas present on
Christmas morning. Inside was a big red fire truck, complete with sirens, a ringing bell, a
moving ladder, and firemen that could be positioned all over the truck.
"Hey, Johnny, look what Santa brought ME!!! My fire truck is WAY cooler than
anything Santa brought YOU!"
Little Johnny replied, "Yeah, but I don't have cancer."
Two necrophiles work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one: "You should
have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after
she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, she had a clitoris just like a
pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?"
"No, says the first, "sour."
On a bright sunny day, two elderly men were enjoying the weather on a bench in the
park. They discussed local politics and fed a couple pigeons.
A beautiful young lady approached and sat down on the bench across from them. The
elderly men, who always enjoyed fine beauty couldn't help noticing her, nor could they
help to notice that she sat on the bench with her legs uncrossed which allowed a perfect
view straight up her skirt.
"You suppose that's panties?" The first elderly man said to the other in a hushed voice.
"No way! That there girl ain't wear no panties. That has to be her muff!" The second
responded back.
They sat back and contemplated the situation. For the next 10 minutes they quietly
bantered back and forth on the determination of if it was her panties or her muff. They
simply could not agree.
A young boy came walking by and the elderly men called him over.
"Listen son, depending on who is wrong here, we will pay you $10.00 to walk a little
closer to that lady over there and find out if what we are seeing is her panties or her
muff." The elderly man said to the boy.
"$10.00? Sure!" The boy said.
He walked a little closer to the lady, began to chuckle, turned back to the men and
quietly informed them that they both owed him $10.00.
"What do you mean!" Responded the second elderly man.
"Well, sirs, the boy responded, it's not your panties you're seeing, and it's not her muff
you're seeing."
"Well than what is it???" Responded both men.
"Well, um. It's flies."
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Mattea has all of his men
accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks
down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his
ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.
Chief Mattea says, "What the hell is going on?"
Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation!"
Olson says, "I did, Chief. That's how this shit got started."
Q. What kind of car does a black man drive? A. A stolen one.

Russell told me that he was so poor when growing up that if he didn't wake up on
Christmas morning with a hard on, he wouldn't have anything to play with. He said he
told his dad, one year, that he wanted a watch. "So, he let me."
Authorities announced today that they will be exhuming the body of Jon Benet
Ramsey...
Her mother wants to change her outfit.
A gay couple, Dirk and Lewis, are taking a stroll along the board walk in San Fran, when
they both suddenly spot a bottle lying in the sand. Dirk picks it up and Lewis jokingly
says to rub it, and see if a genie comes out. So Lewis rubs the bottle, and low and
behold out pops a genie! The genie thanks them for freeing him and offers them each
one wish. Dirk immediately wishes for fabulous wealth. The genie wiggles his nose and
a credit card appears in Dirk's wallet. Lewis, unsure of what to wish for, decides to save
his wish for an emergency, and the genie states that Lewis need only to think of his
wish, and it shall be granted.
Later that night, Dirk and Lewis are celebrating their luck in a way that only two men in
love can, Lewis is bent over the bed with Dirk pounding him from behind, when
suddenly the door to their apartment bursts open and three angry, hairy rednecks stomp
into the room, two armed with shotguns, the other with a noose. Dirk looks down to his
Lewis and says:
"I think now would be a good time for you to use that wish!"
Lewis replies:
"I think I just did, I wished you were hung like a nigger..."
Two black men, Leroy and Theo, were fishing down by the dam. Theo fell in and was
swept away by the current towards the other side of the river where he was able to climb
out. When he did, Leroy shouted across to him, "Man, are you okay?"
Theo replied, "I think so," as he checked himself over. Just then, he realized his skin
was white. Assuming this was caused by the river, he urged Leroy to jump in and
swim across as well. Leroy did and he, too, came out on the other side lily-livered white.
"This is amazing!! I've got to go get my wife." said Leroy. And he did. He threw her
in the river and told her to swim across. After chewing his ass out upon survival, she
noticed her skin was white as well. "Honey, this is incredible. We've got to get the
kids!" she said. So, they did. And they threw them into the water with the instructions
to swim across. But, the current was strong - too strong in fact. And the children were
being sucked under the surface. Leroy's wife panicked and screamed, "Leroy, you've
got to do something. The kids are going to drowned!!" To which Leroy replied, "Aw,
Fuck them niggers."
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like
something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all
around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and
checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and
then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you . . ."
Q. What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A. You can't gargle sand!
Posted in alt.sex.bestiality:
I have had a fascination for animal sex and I have decided that I would like to fuck my
cat. Can anybody tell me how to go about fucking a cat?
Reply posted a day later:
You must make sure the cat can't bite or scratch you. Put a bag over the cat's head and
loosely tie it on. Now with the cat's teeth covered slip little leather booties over its paws.
Gently tie the back legs together and then tie them to the forelegs. Now throw the cat
into the neighbors yard with the big German Sheppard and Voila! You've fucked your
cat!
What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
Leukemia.
Little Johnny went up to his Dad and asked, "Hey, Dad, can I have twenty bucks for a
blow job?"
His Dad responded. "I don't know son, are you any good?"
A Muslim and a Christian were debating their religions in a friendly manner.
After the Christian had went on for twenty minutes about how great his God was and
how Jesus died on the cross for their sins, yadda yadda, the Muslim said three things that
made the Christian immediately go out and buy a copy of the Quran. What did the
Muslim say?
1) No one in our religion died between a couple of thieves.
2) We don't have psychotic people blowing shit up in Muhammed's name. (Like an

abortion clinic)
3) When we pray, it doesn't put us in the perfect position to suck cock.
Bill wanted to know if I'd heard about the Irish gay couple.
You know, Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald? (Read it out loud, ok?)
Mike calls into the office to notify his boss that he's calling in sick that day. The boss
wasn't in so he leaves a message on his voice mail.
Later in the morning, Glen, Mike's boss, checks his voice mail and hears the message.
Much to Glen's surprise, Mike didn't sound sick at all. In fact he sounded in pretty good
spirits.
So with a degree of suspicion he decides to personally call Mike at home and confront
him about it.
He dials the number and after a few rings, Mike picks up the phone and cheerily
answers, "Hello!"
"Mike, this is Glen. I got your message that you were calling in sick today. You don't
sound very sick."
And Mike replies, "Glen, I'm busy fucking my sister. How sick is that?"
The Cubans have called for a work-stoppage to protest this entire Gonzales matter. How
are we supposed to be able to tell?? I mean, don't you need, like, jobs to go on strike??
Looking for a little variety in his sex life, the husband bought a computer and started
exploring the Internet. He stumbled onto IRC chat and next thing ya know, he was
heavily into NetSex. Well, one late-nite session was going really hot and heavy, but for
some reason the one partner stopping typing.
Thinking that his hot lil' number had been disconnected, the man typed: "Are you still
there ?"
The reply appeared back on his screen: "Wait a minute, my Mommy just came into the
room."
John went to a bar, and having a little itch he was wanting soothed, started hitting on
Marcia. The evening progressed and soon John realized Marcia was as horny as he was.
They ended up getting a hotel room. They strip butt naked, get in the bed and he slides
his tool inside. John tells Marcia, "Oh honey, I know we didn't get much foreplay before
we started. You seem a wee bit dry to me."
Marcia gets up and goes to the bathroom. She returns shortly and they proceed to go at it
again. John slides in and says, "OOOHHH Baby! That's more like it! All nice and
warm and juiced up, ready for Johnny's toy. Did you use some Vaseline?"
"No" she replied, "I just picked out the scabs."
One day Flight 234 ascends for take off. As they reach a comfortable altitude. A little
boy notices that he and his mom are the only black people on the plane.
About an hour into the flight, the plane begins to malfunction. The pilot says the only
way they will land safely is to get rid of excess weight. So they throw all the luggage off
the plane. 45 min later the pilot announces that the plane is still having problems and
they will begin to throw people from the plane.
The stewardess says that they are going to start in alphabetical order. "Will all the
African-Americans please stand up?"
Nobody stands up.
She then says "Will all the blacks please stand up? Still nobody stands up.
The stewardess starts to fidget and says "Will all the colored people please stand up",
Once again, no one stands.
The little boy looks at his mother and says "Mom, shouldn't we have stood up by now?"
The mother says, "No baby, today we gone be Niggers!"
What's the difference between a good fuck and a good shit?
You don't have to hug your shit for 20 minutes afterwards.
Harry answers the phone. It's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but your wife was in a serious car accident. I
have bad news and good news. The bad news is she's lost all use of both arms. And both
legs. She'll never be able to walk again or talk. She'll be a complete vegetable or the
rest of her life. She'll never be able to eat on her own or go to the bathroom again."
"My God! What's the good news?"
"I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."
What's even better than winning a Gold Medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being a fucking retard in the first place.
Craig, a little white guy, is sent to Folsom Prison for tax evasion. They put him in the
cell with Leroy The Honky Hater.
Leroy says, "Yo. New Meat. We gonna be cellmates now, so I figger we should be
'married'. You wanna be da wife or da husband?"
"Uhhh, I think I want to be the husband."
"Yeah, dat's fine. C'mon over here and suck your wife's dick."
Brooke wants to know if I know the difference between a black man and a large pizza.
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Two black trench coats: $220. Two shotguns: $300. Ammunition: $75.
The look on your friends' faces when you shoot 'em in the head: PRICELESS
Mark wanted to ask me if I knew what INRI means. He says if you go to church, you'll
see Jesus on the cross and INRI is behind his head on the cross. Mark thinks is means,
"I'm Nailed Right In."
Two Necrophiliacs are sitting on a cemetery bench.
One turns to the other and says, "Hey, you still with the same girl?"
The other necro replies, "No, the rotten cunt split on me."
These two guys were having a contest to see who could gross the other out.
The first guy tilted his head back, opened his mouth, and put a chaw of chewing tobacco
inside it. Next, he took a rotten egg, put it in his mouth, and used his teeth to mix the
two together. He didn't swallow, rather, he opened his mouth again, took a handful of
shit and put that in there. He crunched it all around and when it had the consistency of
baby-shit, he turned to a wall and [[[SPLAT]]] spit it all over a white wall behind him.
"There, top THAT."
The second guy walks over the wall, and the smell makes him vomit all over the wall.
After he gets done retching, he slowly stands upright, places his lips against the same
wall, and [[[SUCKS]]] it all up.
A few years ago the Pope was on tour in South Africa and was taking a trip down the
Zambezi River when to his horror he saw a black man in the water being attacked by a
crocodile. Before he could do anything two white men jumped out of the bushes, beat the
crocodile over the head with mallets and dragged them both up onto the river bank.
The Pope was amazed and went up to the two men and congratulated them. "The
Church applauds you for your actions gentlemen - it's people like you who bring hope to
the people of Apartheid, God bless you both."
As he wandered off, one of the white men looked to the other and said "who the fuck
was that???"
"I dunno," said the other, "but whoever he is he knows fuck all about crocodile fishing..."
Heath wants to know if I know the purpose of balls on a gay boy: mud flaps.
There's this guy that has this fetish for old women. He often finds himself visiting
retirement communities, trying to pick up on the latest (or the oldest) catch of the day.
So he get's lucky one day, and finally talks this spinster into a good old fashion romp in
the sheets. During foreplay, they're both really getting into it. He takes her flabby
boob in one hand, then raises it to his mouth, and proceeds to suck on her tit.
He's surprised to find warm liquid come out of the nipple, and into his mouth. Although
caught off guard, it really turns him on, so he keeps sucking. After a few moments, he
asks, "Say, aren't you a little too old to be lactating?" And she replies, "I sure am,
sonny, but I'm not too old to have cancer!"
Doc and I were talking and he said, "What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a
Chinese?" His answer: A car thief who can't drive.
Now, that's nasty enough, so I asked, in return, if he knew how to get rid of niggers. He
replied that he didn't. So I said, "You mate 'em with the Chinese. Then you get
'Chiggers' -- and you can spray for them."
A queer, a black man and a white man were walking down the beach one day when they
came across a genie lamp in the sand. As you might expect they picked it up, rubbed it
and out popped the genie.
The genie said that he would grant each man (and the queer) one wish.
The queer immediately wished for a huge island where all queers in the world would be
magically transported to and live in peace, free from homophobic discrimination forever.
*POOF* The queer was gone.
The black man decided the island idea sounded pretty good so he wished for an island
where all the blacks in the world would be magically transported to so that they also may
live free from discrimination forever. *POOF* He was gone.
The genie then looked at the white man and asked what his wish was. The white man
thought for a second and asked, "So are all the queers and blacks REALLY gone
forever?
"Yes", replied the genie.
"Well then, gimme a Michelob Light, because it doesn't get any better than this".
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says
to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold
and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle,
guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel
so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile
mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been
months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
David starts us off by telling us these two fags were walking by a funeral home. One
turns to the other and says, "Wanna go inside and suck down a couple of cold ones?"
At one end of a tiny, out of the way bar is Rastus -- a huge black man. Rastus stands a
good 6'5" and weighs in at a muscular 350 pounds. He's sitting there nursing a beer.
Brucie walks in. Though well dressed, it's as obvious as the nose on your face that he's
light in the loafers. As queer as a $3 bill. He sits down at the opposite end of the bar and
starts to imbibe a little liquid courage.
After about 4 beers, Brucie gets off his stool and heads over to Rastus. He sits down next
to him. "Hey, big fella," Brucie lisps, "How about a blow-job?"
Well, Rastus picks Brucie up by his neck and tosses him all the way across the bar.
Walks over, before Brucie gets up, and kicks Brucie right in the face. He beats the fruit
madly, lifts him up by his collar, and throws Brucie out in the parking lot.
He dusts his hands off and heads back to his stool.

The bartender quickly comes over and gives Rastus another beer. "Man," the bartender
says, "I've never seen you that mad, Rastus. What did he say to you?"
Rastus slams down the beer and says, "Hell, I dunno, something about a *job*."
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To SUCK MY DICK.
And, how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to SUCK MY DICK.
What do you say to a feminist with no arms and legs?
Nice TITS, BITCH.
RAR tells us about the three women, a German, Jew, and Polish who all gave birth to
seven pound baby boys at the same time.
The nurses (obviously Polish) got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which
baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion, the father of the
German baby said HE'd settle the problem.
The father lined the babies up in a row. He clicked his heel, thrust his right arm into the
air and said, "Heil Hitler!"
The German baby snapped to attention.
The Jewish baby shit.
And the Polish baby played in the shit.

Jerome asks: What's the most worthless son of a bitch in the world?
A seven foot nigger with 2 inches of cock that can't play basketball.
A woman walks into the doctor's office with a huge boil on her ass. The doctor squeezes
it, pushes it, and then examines the hard white pus core.
"This is too big a job for me," the doctor says, and refers her to Gus The Pus Sucker.
(Told you it was going to be gross.)
Gus examines the woman's ass with the bulging red, inflamed, festering, infected with
pus boil and says, "No problem!" He puts his lips to the sore and starts to suck the pus
and core right out of the boil.
About halfway through the woman passes an enormous fart -- smelling of rotten eggs and
putrid animal flesh.
Gus fans the air and says, "You know, lady, it's folks like you that make this job fucking
disgusting."
A Gay man tells his lover that he is dying of AIDS and wants his ashes spread all over
San Francisco. Finally, his lover dies and for days he walks around San Francisco with
his urn crying.
A straight guy walks up to him and asking him what's wrong.
The man explains it to him and asks if he will spread his ashes for him. The guy agrees.
Climbing the tallest building in San Francisco the man opens the urn and as he pours out
the ashes he quotes, "Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust if you would have been straight you
would have still been with us."
What is this? C:ENTER:###
It's how a gay man has sex. You pronounce it like this:
See colon. Enter colon. Pound. Pound. Pound.
Two Fags are walking down the street when another guy starts walking towards them on
the opposite side of the street. The first fag says, "See that guy? He's a REAL good
fuck!"
The second fag says back to the first, "Really? No shit?"
And the first responds, "No, not much anyway."
Steve tells us that this Jewish girl goes up to her father and says, "Hey, Pop, can I borrow
$50?"
"$40??? What do you need $30 for?" So he pulls out a $20 bill and says, "Give me $10
change."
This huge nigger walks into a bar and hollers, "I'm the baddest muthafucka in the NFL. I
made a million fucking dollars last year, I drink the finest whiskey, and I ONLY FUCK
WHITE WOMEN. NOW WHO THE FUCK IS GONNA BUY ME A DRINK???"
This guy walks nervously up to him and says, "I'll buy you one." He does and scampers
away.
Not long after the brother is thirsty again. "I'm the baddest muthafucka in the NFL. I
made a million fucking dollars last year, I drink the finest whiskey, and I ONLY FUCK
WHITE WOMEN. NOW WHO THE FUCK IS GONNA BUY ME A DRINK???"
Another fella goes over, cues the barkeep, and talks to the black guy for awhile. They
shake hands, and he goes away.
It doesn't take long (since jokes like this go in "threes"), for the coon to again shout out,
"I'm the baddest muthafucka in the NFL. I made a million fucking dollars last year, I
drink the finest whiskey, and I ONLY FUCK WHITE WOMEN. NOW WHO THE
FUCK IS GONNA BUY ME A DRINK???"
Third fella walks up. Little bitty runt of a fella, but he lays a few dollars on the bar and
starts to chat with the black man. A little bit into the conversation and the black man body
slams the little fella. Drop kicks him right into the corner of the bar.
The other two guys who'd bought the black guy a drink go running over to help. "Jesus,
man, what did you say to that guy?"
He shook his head groggily. "Man, all I said was, 'if I made a million dollars a year, I
wouldn't fuck niggers, either.'"
A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
TG asks, "Why do you wrap a hamster with electrician's tape?"
So it won't explode when you fuck it.

Steven Spielberg has a talent for making memorable movies, merchandisers have a
knack for turning those movies into products for the kiddies to buy, buy, buy, and
Hollywood executives will do just about anything (no, make that anything) to squeeze
every last nickel out of a picture.
So I dread what must soon be arriving on the toy store shelves, just in time for the
holidays:
The Schindler's List E-Z-Bake Action Figures (lightbulb not included).
A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl
takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the
guy sees a half-full bucket of jizm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life.
A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth.
She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned
bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing jizz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a
bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
Here's a visual joke for ya. Hold up your palm, put it to your mouth, and make biting
gestures. What is that?
It's Jesus, biting his nails.

When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his
limo. Recalling his visit to India, He started giving her a hard time about the sanitary
conditions there.
"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere."
Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead
was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out.
Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that
man!"
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then
returned to the car.
"Sir, I can't shoot that man, he's the Indian ambassador."
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. The brother says to the bartender, "I'd
like a beer. Give my friend here a gin & tonic."
The bartender says, "We don't serve no gorillas in here."
So the two of 'em stomp out of the bar. "I'll fix those bastards," he thought.
He take the gorilla home, shaves off all of her hair, gives her a nice wig, some lipstick, a
red dress, stockings -- the works. Back to the bar.
"Yeah? What'll it be, buddy?"
"Give me a beer and a gin & tonic for my girlfriend here."
No problem this time. The bartender serves the drinks then he heads down to the other
end of the bar.
When he gets to the end of the bar, the bartender motions towards the black guy and the
shaved gorilla then whispers to a buddy of his, "You know what drives me crazy? It
seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a nigger."
Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from feminists.
Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one night.
Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the head. The Scotsman takes the lone
urinal, and the Jew says that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall. The
usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew says "Damn!"
"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.
"Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a dime into the toilet."
The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad sight.
They both shake their heads in despair. Then the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and
drops a quarter into the toilet.
"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.
And the Scotsman sez, "Och, I'm not gonna stick my hand in there for a dime!"
It's occurred to me in the last few days, after listening to and seeing all of the Keebler
commercials, just why there's never any female elves pictured. Then it came to me:
They're all fudge-packers.

An Amish boy is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. All of a sudden, his Father storms
in, grabs him, and drags him out into the pasture.
In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. The father points to the sheep and says, "Thou
hast had sex with Yon sheep!"
The boy kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly
beast."
Saddened the Father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this . . . there will be
REAL trouble if I taste it again!!!"
A longhaired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-
looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said,
"Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."
Two Poles walk into the post office and the first thing that catches their eye is a bunch of
"Wanted" posters, in particular a shot of a mean-looking black guy beneath a banner that
says "Wanted for Rape."
"You know," said one Pole to his friend, "them niggers get all the good jobs."
Why Beer is Better Than Retarded People
Beer doesn't drool.

Beer stains wash out easier than drool.
Beer will wait patiently in the car while you play (football, etc.)
Beer is never late.
You don't have to limit yourself to bisyllabic words in discourse with beer.
Beer doesn't cry if you forget it.
Beer doesn't vote.
Beer never answers your phone.
Beer doesn't work your crossword puzzles in ink.
Beer doesn't demand to watch cartoons.
Beer won't ask loud, embarrassing questions in public.
If the head's too big on your beer you can blow it off.
If the head's too small on your beer you can get another.
Beer doesn't have to be sterilized.
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across
the road in front of her.
Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her
and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she
exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.
She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as
she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard
sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with
his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over
some cowboy sodomizing an animal. Then, I come in here....and see this old man in the
corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his
age, do ya?"
Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay,
Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How
many wings does the rooster have?"
Johnny replied, "It has two."
Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"
Johnny replied, "It has two."
Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster
had?"
Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."
So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big
black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster.
How many teeth does the cat have?"
Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does
the cat have?"
Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come
you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?"
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. One
day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks on the door.
Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what can I do for you?"
"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."
A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Italian," she wailed.
"How do you know it was an Italian? The detective asked.
"I had to help him," the girl replied.
Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window
"ARABS NOT WELCOME".
A couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a
sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do.
Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give him the
sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him."
But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch.
Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!"
The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a
reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening.
Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friend do come, charge them
tenfold!"
The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even
tip generously.
The next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."
A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. As they walk
hand-in-hand, his lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need
to take a piss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests that she go behind a hedge. She nods
in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of
tight nylon knickers rolling down voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the
foliage and touches her leg. He quickly moves his hand up her thigh until suddenly, and
with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging
between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex!"
"No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."
A guy wanders into a diner looking for a bite to eat. He sits at the counter, next to
another guy sitting there reading the paper. The guy orders up and eats his meal.
Upon finishing, he's still pretty hungry. He notices the gent reading the paper has a bowl
of chili in front of him, which he apparently hasn't touched and which is growing cold.
"Say pal - you gonna eat that?" he asks.
"Nope - help yourself" the paper reading dude replies.
"Thanks!" The guy chows down, and just as he's reaching the bottom of the bowl he
finds a dead mouse laying under the chili. He immediately chucks it all back up and
directly into the bowl.
His neighbor looks at him sympathetically and says;
"Same thing happened to me."
Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex?
A: They can't teach their pussies to spit.

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their
fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so
lick that!"
Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with
the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up.
Having no way of knowing which was the gather, the two mates chipped in and sent her
out of town to have the little bastard.
Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of
them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.
The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good news and
some bad news," the mate said on the telephone.
"Well, give me the good news first," replied the other.
"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply.
"And the bad news?"
"Mine died," said his mate.
What's the definition of gross?
When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs your tongue.
Q What does a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?
A The dishes if she knows what's good for her
Q Why do women have arms?
A Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a toilet clean?
One day, Ray was sitting in a bar in Chicago. A black man came up to him and asked
"Do you like riddles?" Ray replied, "boy, I sure do".
So the black man asked, "my mother and father had a baby, it wasn't my brother and it
wasn't my sister, who was it?"
Ray sat there and scratched his head and for the life of him, couldn't figure it out. Ray
said, "I give up, who was it?".
The black man replied, "it was me you dummy!"
Ray couldn't wait until he returned back to Ohio to try this riddle out on his friends.
One evening, Ray, Bob and Bill were sitting down having a beer, when Ray said, "Hey
guys, I've got a riddle for you. My mother and father had a baby, it wasn't my brother
and it wasn't my sister, who was it?"
Bob blurted out, "it was you, dummy!"
Ray replied, "no you idiot, it was some nigger in Chicago!"
Do you know what Hitler would have invented had the Third Reich lasted a few months
longer?
A self-cleaning oven.
Ronald keeps the fires burning a little hotter in hell with this mathematical problem
He asks, "do you know what this formula stands for?"
SB/SS-P+9=ANOW
"Soul Brother over Soul Sister minus the pill PLUS nine months equals 'another nigger
on welfare.'"
Why do women have foreheads?
So we men have a place to kiss after we come in their mouth
After Moses and God were finished with their talk up on Mt. Sinai, Moses finished with
this one last question.
"OK let me get this straight, the Arabs get all that oil, we have to cut the ends of our
dicks off, right?"
"That's right."
"And WE'RE the 'chosen people'?"
Did you here the new song released last week "Around The Block In Eighty Days."
It's played by the Cerebral Palsy Marching Band.

An white American, a white Canadian and a black Nigerian are sitting in a hospital in
Toronto. Their wives are giving birth at the same time.
After a while, the doctor comes and announces that they have a son, all three of them,
and that everything went well., except for a little problem in all the confusion with three
women giving birth at the same time, the babies got mixed up, and the mothers are still
unconscious.
So he asks them to look at the babies and pick one. "And," he says, "because we're in
Canada I'll ask the Canadian gentlemen to take the first pick".
The Canadian takes a baby in his arms and walks out into the hall, where his family is
sitting. They immediately see that he is carrying a black baby.
After he explains what happened, they all shout "You idiot! You picked the Nigerian
baby! Didn't you see it's black?"
"Of course I did", the man replies, "but this is the only way to be sure we don't go home
with an American".
It is the first day of kindergarten. The teacher Mr. Smith decides to ask the children a
few simple questions to test their intelligence.
First he says to Susie what sound does a cow make. She answers "moo."
He turns to Billy and says what sound does a chicken make. He answers, "cluck, cluck."
Then he turns to little Hakeem and asks what sound does a pig make. Hakeem stands up
and says, "O.K. all you niggers, get out of the car and keep your hands where I can see
them."
"My grandfather died in Auschwitz's camps."
"No shit? Mine died in the camps, too."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Mine died in the gas chambers. How did yours die?"
"Mine fell from the watchtower."
A family of ducks and a family of skunks were crossing the road when a truck comes
along and kills all of 'em except one baby duck and one baby skunk.
The two survivors shrug and continue on across the road.
Before they reach the other side, though, the duck sits down and starts to cry. The skunk
waddles back over and asks, "why are you crying?" The duck sobs, "my whole family
has been killed and no one told me what I am."
The skunk says, "Don't worry. I'll tell you." He looks the duck over and says, "Look,
you have feathers. A bill. You're yellow. You've got webbed feet. You're a 'duck'."
"Thank you, thank you!" The duck says and then picks himself up and starts strutting
across the road. "I'm a duck, I'm a duck . . ." he stops and notices the skunk hasn't
moved. So the duck waddles back to the skunk. "What's wrong?"
"Well, I'm in the same boat you were. I don't know what I am."
"Huh. Well, ok, here, let me take a good look," the duck says. "You're half white."
"Uh huh."
"Half black."
"Uh huh."
"And you smell bad. I know -- you're Puerto Rican!"
A guy's jogging through the San Francisco park when he veers off the "beaten path" to
take a leak. He accidently steps into quicksand and rapidly sinks to his waist. He can't
get himself out.
So he calls to another guy who's jogging. "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
The other jogger says, "I'll help you -- for a blow job!"
"Fuck no! Goddamned fags!" The jogger shrugs and goes on his little merry way.
A few moments later, the sinking jogger is still going down, and another male jogger
comes up. Again, the man in the quicksand asks for some help. "For a blow job!" the
other jogger says.
"Fuck you -- no!! Goddamned fags!"
By this time, he's almost up to his neck in the quicksand. A third male jogger comes by.
The man in the quicksand says, "Look, hey, if you help me out of here, sigh, I'll give you
a blow-job."
The new jogger walks over. He stops in front of the other guy. Then he takes his foot
and puts it on the guy's head and pushes him down under the quicksand. "Goddamned
fags."
James has a "true story" I was in a book store, looking at a book about slaves, when this
fat redneck beside me looks at it and says "I always wanted one of those"
What's the definition of gross?
Turning your grandmother upside down and using her as chip dip!
Diana wants us to know why God invented women. It's to carry the sperm from the bed
to the bathroom.
What do you call a white man surrounded by one black guy? Lawyer.
What do you call a white man surrounded by two black guys? Victim.
What do you call a white man surrounded by five black guys? Coach.
What do you call a white man surrounded by ten black guys? Quarterback.
What do you call a white man surrounded by a hundred black guys? Warden.
Fred defines ARKANSAS RELATIVE HUMIDITY. That's the sweat dripping off your
cousin's balls as he screws you.
A man, dying from thirst, is crawls through the desert. He reached a little bar surrounded
by cars. He crawls in the front door and over to the bar. He chokes out, "Water!"
The bartender looks disinterestedly at the man. "You got money?"
"No! I need water!"
"Fuck you. No money. No water."
The dying man looks around and spots the spittoon. "Guess I'll have to drink that."
Bartender tells him, "Go 'head. I don't give a shit."
So the parched man starts sucking down the contents of the spittoon.
Customers start to watch the man suck down the green-black contents of the spittoon.
They start to retch and then start rushing out the door in droves.
"Hey, hey!" the bartender says, "I'm only kidding, man! Stop drinking that shit!"
But the man won't. He keeps chugging it down.
By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. "C'mon, guy, stop
drinking that!" The man keeps chugging.
As the last customer departs the bar, the dying man, stops, licks his lips, and wipes his
mouth off.
"Hey, asshole, why'd you keep drinking? I told you I was just kidding."
"I couldn't stop," said the guy.
"Why not?"
"Because it was all one long string."
Take a dollar bill. Hold it under your chin trapping it to your chest.
What are you?
Christopher Reeves at a titty bar.
Q Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death?
A Because he's in a wheelchair.
They have Puerto Rican pride parades in New York sometimes. They're usually held on
Sundays, but why? It's not like they work during the week.
At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before
the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could
write out the answer.
After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among
the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.
He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been
fucked before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."
The new groom had been assured by his fiancee that she was a virgin. Given the state of
modern morals, however, he didn't completely trust her; so he devised a little quiz for
their wedding night.
Pulling down his pajamas, he asked, "Honey do you know what this is?"
"A wee-wee, "she answered coyly.
Delighted by her naivete, the cracker corrected her gently, "No sweetheart, it's a cock."
"Uh-uh. It's a wee-wee," insisted the bride, shaking her head.
Slightly annoyed, he took her to task. "It's time for you to learn a few things, dear. Now,
this is a cock."
"No way, "she retorted. "A cock is long and round and black."
Steve relates the true story that after wrapping up filming "The Bodyguard" Whitney
Houston had had a few drinks. She approached Kevin Costner (who'd also had a few)
and said, "you know, I've always wanted to get you in bed. You think we could? Just
once?"
Costner said, "Sure, I've been thinking about it, too. We could do it just once."
So they go back to his trailer on the set, where they undress and proceed to fuck each
other's brains out. After they finished, Whitney says, "Man, that was GREAT! You
think we could do that again?"
Costner says, "Sure, sure, but let rest a bit. Look, while I rest, would you hold my cock
with your hands?"
She did and after awhile it got hard again, so he climbed on top and banged away for
some time. At the end, lying in each other's arms, she says, "I can't believe how great it
is. Can we *please* do it again?" Costner tells her that'd be fine, but, once again, while
he rested, could she just hold his cock.
A little while later he was pumping away, Whitney was screaming, and they exploded in
orgasms. "Good God! Kevin, I've never been fucked like that! I can't wait to do it again,
but I've got to ask why do you want me to hold your cock when you rest?"
"Oh, that. Well, the last time I fucked a nigger she stole my wallet."
Chris says that 60 years ago when 100 white men chased one black man, they called it the
Ku Klux Klan.
Today they call it the PGA Tour.
10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE

WON'T ADMIT
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Anything below 45 degrees is cold. You should be wearing a jacket and long pants.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. Yes, Black folks do tan!
6. There's a very thin line between being a legitimately cool white person and being an
insulting wanna-be gangster.
7. Thomas Jefferson did father Sally Hemmings' children.
8. Bob Hope has never been funny.

9. In his prime, Joe Louis would have beat the snot out of Rocky Marciano. (So would
Muhammad Ali)
10. Making money does not make you a man.
10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS WHITE PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE

WON'T ADMIT
1. O.J. did it.
2. Gold plating does not make everything better.
3. Just because you have ten fingers does not mean you have to wear ten rings.
4. Tupac is dead.
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Spandex and miniskirts are not for everyone.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. Larry Bird wasn't just "white hype"; he could play.
9. Your sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Making babies does not make you a man.
Hell, if I'd have known it would come to this, I'd have picked my own damned cotton!!!
Q. Why can't you get a good blowjob in India?
A. All those cocksuckers are over here in America.
Jew walking down the road spots a guy leaning against a tree who looks familiar. Says to
the guy 'Don't I know you from somewhere?'
Guy replies 'That is quite possible'
Jew say 'Just stick your arm out like this'. Guy stretches his arm out to the side.
"H'm. Just stick your other arm out like this." Guy stretches his other arm out to the
side.
"H'm. Now hang you head over to the side." Guy alows his head to flop to the side.
Jew quickly produces hammer and nails. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!!!
"GOTCHA AGAIN".
Q What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?
A It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Joke A Day
Joke A Day has been sending out jokes daily via email since 1996. We currently have
over 400,000 readers in 152 countries. Nope, we don't know how we do it, either.
If you're not an asshole, drop by and see us at www.jokeaday.com. You can get a free
subscription to Joke A Day by sending a blank email to join@jokeaday.com. Return the
confirmation letter and you'll be set to float like a Butterball and sting when you pee.
If you are an asshole, write us a pissy little letter and we'll make fun of you six ways to
Sunday, insult your parentage, call your sexuality into question, and say nasty things
about you, thus living up to our motto: "Making Fun of Morons Since 1863."
(Whether you're an asshole or not, you'll have to visit the site to figure out that whole "if
you got started in 1996, how've you been making fun of morons since 1863?" thing.)
If you enjoyed this e-book, check out our entire collection of joke books on Amazon.com
or anywhere else e-books can be found.
If you didn't enjoy this book, well, check the rest of our entire collection of joke books on
Amazon.com or anywhere else e-books can be found. Keep buying the damned things
until you find one you like. If you buy them all and you didn't like a single one, man, will
we ever use you as fodder for that whole "Making Fun of Morons" thing. We'll have your
cash and frankly, that's what we're really interested in.
In addition to these little e-book things, we even took the time to put a collection of jokes,
letters, and a bunch other stuff in books that are on paper. Yeah, paper. You might have
heard something about it. "If You Beat Your Fish It Will Die," and "This Taste Funny to
You?"
Thank You
A big round of applause to the proofreaders who helped make sure I didn't look any more
stupid than I had to:
Dreamy Drea, Jimmy the Mudcat, Daph the Memory Maker, and MaryEllen -- BadAss
Mentor and Co-Defendant.
A whopping big-ass, making their panties wet kiss (from the person of their choice) to
Teddy Bear Renne and Marla the Super Proofer for their above and beyond efforts in
dotting the "i"'s, crossing the "t"'s, and making sure I didn't leave anything
And a huge "Thanks a Zillion" to these wonderful people who believed enough in this
little e-book project that they donated buckets of cash that I spent at Kentucky Fried
Chicken and Mabel's Whore House. ("Mabel's: Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear --
Where the Customer Comes First!")
Perry (you stud you!), MaryEllen (you sexpot you!), Michael (you studly fireman you!),
Dennis, (you Bandito you!), Teresa (you Gem you!), Peacebug (you Harmonizer you!),
and bringing it up with her damned cute rear, Sandi!
Joke A Day, Inc.
Published by Joke A Day, Inc.,

a rinky-dink outfit started in 1996 with the dumbass
idea that no one had ever sent a joke via email before.
Jeez.
Should have gone into porn.
If you received this book without a cover, well, dammit,

you were supposed to. It's an "e-book," for crying out loud.
If you received this "e-book" through some guy named "Raoul," then
I'm sure I didn't get paid for it. Shame on you. I've got kids to feed
and one big-ass alimony payment to make.
Copyright  2002 by Joke A Day, Inc. -- Ray Owens
All rights reserved. All pigs fed and ready to fly.
Published in the United States of America, somewhere in Ohio,

on the 2nd floor bedroom / office of a very heavily
mortgaged house. Which is another reason if you got this
book from Raoul you should be horsewhipped.
If you paid for this book, visit us on the web at
http://www.jokeaday.com/
If you stole this book, visit us on the web at
http://www.eatshitanddieyoucheapbastard.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Owens, Ray
Joke A Day's Nasty Jokes (Volume 1) / Ray Owens
ISBN 0-9659152-8-X
First Edition: November 2002

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Joke A Day's Nasty Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.

Nasty Jokes (Volume 1)

"You want to see Mohammed?" asked Jesus with a puzzled expression.

"YES! Very much so!" replied Amanpreet.

Little Johnny replied, "Yeah, but I don't have cancer."

"What," the other asks, "green?"

"No, says the first, "sour."

"$10.00? Sure!" The boy said.

"What do you mean!" Responded the second elderly man.

"Well than what is it???" Responded both men.

"Well, um. It's flies."

Chief Mattea says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

Q. What kind of car does a black man drive? A. A stolen one.

Her mother wants to change her outfit.

Q. What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

A. You can't gargle sand!

Reply posted a day later:

A Muslim and a Christian were debating their religions in a friendly manner.

1) No one in our religion died between a couple of thieves.

2) We don't have psychotic people blowing shit up in Muhammed's name. (Like an

3) When we pray, it doesn't put us in the perfect position to suck cock.

"No" she replied, "I just picked out the scabs."

Nobody stands up.

The mother says, "No baby, today we gone be Niggers!"

What's the difference between a good fuck and a good shit?

You don't have to hug your shit for 20 minutes afterwards.

Harry answers the phone. It's an Emergency Room doctor.

"My God! What's the good news?"

"I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."

Not being a fucking retard in the first place.

"Uhhh, I think I want to be the husband."

The pizza can feed a family of four.

Two Necrophiliacs are sitting on a cemetery bench.

"There, top THAT."

"Yes", replied the genie.

He dusts his hands off and heads back to his stool.

Why did the feminist cross the road?

And, how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to SUCK MY DICK.

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and legs?

Nice TITS, BITCH.

The German baby snapped to attention.

The Jewish baby shit.

And the Polish baby played in the shit.

A straight guy walks up to him and asking him what's wrong.

What is this? C:ENTER:###

See colon. Enter colon. Pound. Pound. Pound.

The second fag says back to the first, "Really? No shit?"

And the first responds, "No, not much anyway."

The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

TG asks, "Why do you wrap a hamster with electrician's tape?"

So it won't explode when you fuck it.

The Schindler's List E-Z-Bake Action Figures (lightbulb not included).

A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing jizz, huh?"

It's Jesus, biting his nails.

"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere."

"Sir, I can't shoot that man, he's the Indian ambassador."

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.