“My name is growing all the time, and I've lived a very long, long time; so my name is like

a story”
– Treebeard
J. R. R. Tolkein, The Two Towers

What’s in a Name?

The act of choosing a name is a pivotal time in a transgender person’s life. The method varies

from person to person, some find the choice trivial, like picking what to eat, or choosing what to wear.

Others, however, undergo a more rigorous process of choosing. Some choose multiple names, like my

beautiful friend Julianna Solana. While others choose simpler names such as my friends Tons and

Maya. Some trans people even keep the names that were given to them at birth like my friend Jolly. For

me, it was easy to find a name that I liked, but for a long time, this new name, my real name, felt weird

to use. For the purpose of this essay, the name I was given at birth is Gabrielle. Now, my name is

Anton. Neither of these names are ones that I use in real life, but what is a name really? At first, calling

myself Anton felt alien, I did not feel like I was “Anton”. But, as time passed I grew more comfortable

with it. I’ve been using the name Anton for around three years now, and I’ve found that, in the same

way that a mother does not feel alive when her son is away at war, I do not feel alive as Gabrielle,

instead I live, most truly and fully as Anton.

My Name is Anton

In 2020, after graduating highschool and having time to ruminate on my identity, I decided to

change my name. I chose my real name, “Anton” around February of 2020 and I started fully using the
June of that year when college started. When I began to use this name, it felt weird to introduce myself.

It felt alien to say that Anton, and even stranger to hear other people say it in reference to me.

Introducing myself in classes always caused a certain tinge of excitement, as if I was deceiving the new

people I met. There were also times that I felt a bit embarrassed to reintroduce myself to old friends as

Anton, as if I was forcing them to be in on a bit that I was doing. I also rarely corrected people when

they called me Gabrielle, feeling awkward about them forgetting my new name but luckily I had

friends who would always correct each other or themselves if they slipped up. This was a point where I

felt like I wasn’t Gabrielle anymore, but I wasn’t Anton either. During this transitory period, a lot of

the time I felt doubt. Why did I even change my name? Maybe I should’ve just been content with being

called Gabrielle? I loved the name Anton but the name still felt foreign and unlike me. As time went by,

I became more confident. Each new instance where I introduced myself, and each time someone else

called me by my real name I became more Anton and less Gabrielle. This experience of transitory

alienation isn’t unique to me; it is common for many transgender people. If you asked me what it was

like to change my name, I would probably recount what I just wrote down to you. I would say, My

name is Anton, I changed my name when I was 18, I felt disconnected from my real name for a long, long

time, and as time passed I began to fully live my life as Anton.

I Am Anton

The first person I remember that called me by my real name was Jolly. I confided in them when

I was worried that nobody would take me seriously, worried that the name didn’t fit me, worried that

the name was too odd. They were confident that I would figure out what felt right, and reassured me
that only I had the power to truly live as myself. I then realized that the changing of my name was more

than just being introduced and called by a different arrangement of letters. When one uses a nickname,

there is also a “change” in your name, it could be similar to your original name, or something

completely different. On paper, this is the exact same thing, but the experience was completely

different. To change your nickname between friend groups could be likened to putting on different

“masks” for different people, performing an arbitrary shift in what you are called, but you are still the

same person. But when I changed my name from Gabrielle to Anton, I took off my mask. My new

name was an indicator, or window to my true identity. Rather than saying “My name is Anton” I say,

“I am Anton” because that is who I am. The name “Anton” is mine to use and mine to change if ever I

feel the need to. When others talk about me, and say my name, they do not think about what my name

means, when I started using it, or where I got my name from. Instead, they think of me, my

mannerisms, memories they have with me, things I’ve said, how I look. I am Anton because of all the

tangible and intangible things that I have placed into the name. In the future, when I have changed, the

name “Anton” will change with me, it will carry the new me. It will carry my new memories, new

mannerisms, new things that I will say and do. What makes this experience mine and this name mine is

because I have chosen it and because it will be a window into my identity even as it changes. It is

unique because I am Anton, because I already was the person who is Anton even before I knew my

name.