The Webs We Weave

(Script from Pitch)

By Molly Cooper
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

A door creaks open to reveal ALEX (17) a pretty girl dressed

to the nines with long black hair. She appears calm,
collected, and poised as she creeps into the room, stopping
in front of the dresser.

CHARLIE (16), a lanky teen with bookish looks and perfect

"messy" black hair, sneaks into the room after her, but in a
more cartoonish and spy-like fashion, somersaulting across
the room and accidentally rolling into the nightstand
knocking over a couple bottles of pills.

Alex shoots him a hateful look.

ALEX
Charlie, why don't you slip into
something more comfortable, like a
coma. Preferably before you let Mom
and Dad know that we're in here.

Charlie stands, rubbing his arm in pain.

CHARLIE
Hey, you better be nicer to me Alex or
you’ll be walking to the party.

Alex rolls her eyes and motions for him to join her next to
the dresser.

Charlie hastily shoves the spilled pills into bottles without

much rhyme or reason. We see Charlie unintentionally mixing
both Valium and Tylenol into the same bottle. Once Charlie
finishes putting away the pills he walks over beside her.

With one hand on the dresser drawer, Alex glances over at

Charlie. He gives her a reassuring nod of approval. She
slowly opens the drawer and digs through the various items.

After a moment of searching, she pulls out a note that reads:

"Better luck next time Jailbirds" and is signed with a
crudely drawn winking face. Alex groans and hands the note to
Charlie.

CHARLIE
How did Mom kno-

Alex slaps his arm in annoyance.

 2.

ALEX
(Interrupting)
Probably cause last time we did this
you put the keys back in the wrong
drawer.

CHARLIE
No way you're blaming me when you-

There's a loud creak of floorboards and footsteps begin to

slowly approach the room. The kids share a panicked look.

Alex quickly shuts the drawer and hides under the bed.
Charlie bolts into the master bathroom shower, just as their
MOTHER (late 40's) enters. She is pale and plain, and her
long black hair is pulled back revealing tired, bloodshot
eyes. She's dressed in mismatched ladies business attire, and
heavily worn, dull heels.

MOTHER
Ugh... What a long day. My head is
killing me.

She closes the door behind her, crosses the room, sits on the
edge of the bed, and kicks off her shoes with a nervous Alex
onlooking from below. She takes one of the "Tylenol" pills
from the bottle and then shuts the lights off laying in bed
to sleep.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MIDNIGHT

There is light snoring coming from the bed. The two kids
hurry out of their hiding spots.

ALEX
(Whispering)
I thought she'd never fall asleep!

CHARLIE
(Whispering)
Me either. Screw the party, let's get
the hell out of here.

ALEX
(Whispering)
I can’t miss this party Char. Josh
Simmons is there and I'm sure by now
Stacy is all over him.

Charlie rolls his eyes.

 3.

CHARLIE
(Whispering)
Yeah, it was one thing when the room
was empty, but you're not paying me
enough to help you search in this
risky condition. I'm out of here.

Charlie walks over to the door and just as he is about to

grab the handle he suddenly jumps back.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Oh shit!

Alex shushes him. The Mother stirs on the bed but then
continues to snore.

ALEX
(Whispering)
What?

CHARLIE
(Whispering)
There’s… There’s… A spider on the
door.

Alex examines the door. There is in fact a giant wolf spider

on the door. If one was to look closely they would see an egg
sac on it back, but Alex only gives it a quick glance.

ALEX
(Whispering)
Okay? So? Just kill it and shut up
before you wake Mom and get us caught.

CHARLIE
(Whispering)
I’m not getting anywhere near that
thing. It’s huge! Can you kill it?

ALEX
(Whispering)
Hell no.

CHARLIE
(Whispering)
Why not?

ALEX
(Whispering)
Because... we live in an unjust
society that discriminates and is
 4.

oppressive towards women and literally

the only thing us girls have over men
is that they have to open jars and
kill spiders for us. So it’s time for
you repay me for your patriarchal
penis privileges and kill that damn
spider!

Silence. Charlie has an: uncertain if what she said makes

sense or if it's the dumbest thing he's ever heard, look on
his face.

CHARLIE
(Whispering)
Well, I’m a feminist, so I insist that
you do the honors.

Alex crosses her arms defiantly and shakes her head. Charlie
sighs and inches toward the spider making pained noises. The
Mother stirs again. Alex puts her hand on his shoulder
stopping him.

ALEX
(Whispering)
Fine, I'll do it. Hand me your shoe.

CHARLIE
(Whispering)
Why my shoe?

ALEX
(Whispering)
Are you expecting me to skewer that
thing? I can’t kill it with a
stiletto.

Charlie hands Alex his shoe. Alex inches towards the spider
holding the shoe above her head.

ALEX
(Whispering)
Okay, nice spider. If you could just
stay still and let me kill you that
would be awesome. You know, death’s
not so bad. I’ve heard heaven is
lovely this time of year.

Suddenly she jumps back ramming into Charlie.

ALEX
Oh my god it’s moving, it’s gonna
 5.

attack!

Charlie pushes her forward back towards the spider and

shushes her. Alex regains her composure and raises the shoe
above her head again about to kill it.

CHARLIE
(Whispering)
You don’t think spiders actually go to
heaven do you?

Alex freezes, distracted and confused but what he just said.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I mean, I guess they do keep the world
population from being overrun by other
bugs so it would make sense if they go
to heaven… But Heaven wouldn’t really
feel like paradise if it was filled
with creepy spiders.

Alex shoots Charlie a glare.

ALEX
(Whispering)
Charlie, if you don't shut up I'm
gonna kill you next so you can find
out.

ALEX attempts to hit the spider again but the shoe goes
flying completely missing the spider. The spider begins to
move menacingly.

ALEX
(Screaming)
Okay fine, you can live!

The two kids jump back, scrambling away from the door.

In response to the chaos, the Mother stirs again.

MOTHER
Hello?

Alex and Charlie share a panicked look and disperse back into
their respective hiding spots: Alex under the bed and Charlie
in the master bathroom shower.

The Mother sits up, rubbing her eyes, dazed.

 6.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
Honey, is that you?

The Mother stands, legs like jelly, and almost falls.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
Wow. That extra strength Tylenol is
might've been a little too strong.

She stumbles over to the master bathroom and turns on the

light. Once the room is illuminated the silhouette of Charlie
hiding behind the shower curtain becomes visible.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
Oh, there you are darling. Are you
about to take a shower?

INT. SHOWER - NIGHT

A panicked Charlie watches in horror as his Mother's hand

reaches in and turns the shower knob.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
How about I join you?

The water turns on splashing all over Charlie soaking his

clothes. Charlie makes a distressed "mm-mm" sound.

The Mother smiles.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
Oh, I know what this is all about.

The Mother runs back out into the bedroom and returns holding
a blue Viagra pill from the nightstand.

She reaches her hand back into the shower to hand him the
pill. Charlie's eyes fill with disgust and he reluctantly
grabs the pill.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
Now that's more like it.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Alex watches from under the bed in horror as her Mother

begins to slowly undress. She shuffles around under the bed
and she finds a small cigar box. She opens it and finds the
parents car keys.
 7.

ALEX
(Whispering)
No way!

She gives a silent fist pump.

ALEX (CONT'D)
Josh Simmon's party here I come.

Alex is about to make a break for the door when suddenly and
man, her FATHER, appears in the doorway. He is an oversized
man, balding, with drowsy eyes.

FATHER
Oh my god Barbara, how could you?

The Mother, who is now stripped down to her undergarments and

seconds away from entering the shower, looks over to the
Father and then back to the silhouette in the shower
confused.

MOTHER
Honey? But I thought you were-

The Father takes a step into the room distraught.

FATHER
(Interrupting)
I know things haven't been perfect
recently, and it's been especially
hard on you having to pick up extra
hours at work while I'm going back to
school but I thought the marriage
counseling was actually working!

MOTHER
What's going on? Is... Is this some
kind of new role play type thing?

The Father's despair morphs into a scowl.

FATHER
Are you seriously asking to ménage à
trois right now to cover up me
catching you in the act? What is wrong
with you? And who the hell is the
bastard? Is it your yoga teacher?
Paulo? I knew that downward dog shit
was code for something.

The enraged Father grabs a nearby chair and storms towards

 8.

Charlie and the Mother.

Alex looks between the door and the unfolding nightmare in

the bathroom weighing her options.

ALEX
(Whispering)
Dammit Charlie!

Alex reluctantly presses the "panic button" on the keys and a

car alarm starts loudly going off outside.

The Dad freezes.

Silence.

Everyone holds their breath.

The distraught Father drops the chair.

FATHER
No! Not Sheila. I may be losing my
wife tonight but I am not losing my
baby too.

The Father runs out of the room. The Mother still in a daze
and confused stumbles after him.

MOTHER
Wait, honey! I know I've been a bit
under the weather today but I've still
got it. Let's not waste one of our
sextasy pills!

The Mother exits the room and closes the door behind her.
Alex scrambles out from under the bed and Charlie exits the
shower.

CHARLIE
No amount of therapy will ever be
enough.

Charlie shutters chucking the blue pill across the room.

ALEX
Hey, you owe me. All that was a
perfect distraction and I was this
close to leaving you here while I went
to Josh's party. But there's no way I
can go, Dad's definitely not gonna let
his midlife crisis porsche out of his
 9.

sight now.

CHARLIE
Well thanks for your sacrifice Alex.
I'm forever in your debt.

Charlie and Alex, about to leave the room, see the spider is
still on the door.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Actually, I think I know the perfect
way to start making it up to you.
After all that, this should be a piece
of cake.

Charlie slams his bare palm down onto the spider crushing it.
Both share a smile at each other.

Charlie looks back at his hand and his face twists in horror
as thousands of baby spiders emerge from beneath it. The kids
scream.