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Obsessed with
Perfection: How to
Overcome Toxic
Perfectionism in a
Highly Competitive
World
Written by Kristi Tackett-Newburg, Ph.D., LIMHP, CPC
on November 16, 2019

We’ve all experienced it at some point: the

desire to be perfect.

After all, we’re living in a fiercely competitive

society. One where productivity is
glamorized and internet influencers
dominateall in all, an excellent breeding
ground for perfectionism.

Everywhere you look, there are pressures to

be perfectto have the ideal body, a brilliant
mind, the best grades, the coolest job, even
a perfectly curated Instagram feed. We
mistakenly believe that beingperfectwill
ensure admiration, acceptance, and
validation of our self-worth.

The truth is, there’s no such thing as

perfectiononly the illusion of perfection. And
chasing an illusion will get you nowhere fast.
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Expectations Vs. Personal

Standards
As young children, we learn about
expectations from the influential people in
our livesparents, teachers, religious leaders,
and even our peers. Expectations often get a
bad rapthink unrealistic expectations from
overly controlling or demanding parents.
However,healthy expectationshelp shape
our personal standardsthus, play a critical
role in determining the quality of virtually
every area of our lives.

If you dont set baseline standards

for what youll accept in your life,
youll find it easy to slip into
behaviors and attitudes and a
quality of life thats far below what
you deserve. ~Tony Robbins

Personal standards are nothing more than a

set of behaviors that are based on
expectations you have of yourself in various
situations. Psychology teaches us that we
tend to get what we expecta phenomenon
known as a self-fulfilling prophecy.A self-
fulfilling prophecy is a belief or expectation
that leads us to behave in ways (often
subconsciously) that align with that belief,
which, in turn, cause our expected outcome.

This line of thinking suggests that by having

high standards, you are far more likely to
achieve the kinds of things you want in life. If
you have high personal standards, you will
strive for excellence. If you have low
personal standards, you will likely not put in
the time, energy, or resources needed to
achieve your goals.

But what if you expect nothing short of

perfection?

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Are You a High Achiever

or a Perfectionist?
Perfectionists are everywhere, often
disguised as high achievers.

On the surface, it’s tough to tell the

difference. High achievers and perfectionists
both have extraordinarily high standards and
a need to perform well. However, there is a
glaring distinction between the two.

High achievers are driven by a relentless

pursuit of excellence, while perfectionists
are driven by arelentless pursuit of
flawlessness.

Shame and vulnerability researcher, Bren

Brownhighlights this important difference in
her book, The Gifts of Imperfection:

Somewhere along the way, we

adopt this dangerous and
debilitating belief system: I am what
I accomplish and how well I
accomplish it.Please. Perform.
Perfect. Healthy striving is self-
focusedHow can I improve?
Perfectionism is other-focusedWhat
will they think? (Brown, 2010, p. 84).

The Dark Side of Perfectionism

If you peer inside the mind of a perfectionist,

you won’t find a healthy desire to achieve
somethinga job, relationship, project, or a
certain grade. Instead, you will find a bleak,
obsessive desire to perfect the selfto be
flawlessas a way to seek temporary
emotional relief from dark, painful feelings.
You could even argue that true
perfectionists aren’t really trying to be
perfect at all. They are avoiding not being
good enoughand this fearmakes them
hyper-critical of everything they do. To the
perfectionist, Failure = Worthlessness.

High achievers, on the other hand, are

driven by a strong need to achieve or
accomplish something meaningful. Perhaps
the biggest difference is that high achievers
operate with considerable resiliency. Driven
by a growth mindset, high achievers see
failures astemporary setbacksthat they might
overcome with greater effort. They welcome
constructive criticism, viewing it as an
opportunity for self-reflection and growth.
For them, high personal standards are
motivatingnot debilitating.
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Perfectionism is a New
Epidemic
Clinical psychologists, Dr. Paul Hewitt and
Dr. Gordon Flett, have spent over two
decades studying perfectionism. Based on
their research, they identify three distinct
forms of perfectionism: self-oriented (a
desire to be perfect), socially prescribed (a
desire to live up to others’ expectations), and
other-oriented (holding others to unrealistic
standards).

The drive to be perfect in body, mind, and

career may be taking a toll on young
people’s mental health.A recent study
published by the American Psychological
Association found a clear upward trend for
all three types of perfectionism. The study
analyzed data from over 40,000 American,
Canadian, and British college students. The
results found that college students today are
harder on themselves (self-oriented
perfectionism), more demanding of others
(other-oriented perfectionism), and report
higher levels of social pressure to be perfect
(socially prescribed perfectionism) than
previous generations.

Perfectionism and Mental

Health

Perfectionism has been linked to a host of

mental health problems including
depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and
suicidal ideation. Socially prescribed
perfectionism, in particular, has been
associated with an increased risk of both
suicidal ideation and suicide attempts.
Socially prescribed perfectionists operate
under the perception that others expect
them to be perfect and will be highly critical
of them if they fail to meet their expectations.
Because perfection is impossible,
perfectionists believe they are constantly
letting everybody else down. Given that
recent generations of college students are
reporting higher levels of socially prescribed
perfectionisma 32% increase from previous
generationsit is critical that we understand
and recognize the early signs of
perfectionism.

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Top 10 Signs You May Be

Suffering From Toxic
Perfectionism

1. You have an all-or-nothing

mindset.

Dichotomous, or “All-or-Nothing” thinking

refers to the tendency to evaluate one’s
personal qualities in extreme, black-or-white
categories. Common among perfectionists,
this type of thinking leaves little room for
error. Basically, if something isn’t perfect,
then it’s perceived as a failure.

Challenge It:Learn how to reframe your

thinking. Start by keeping a thought journal.
Whenever you notice anegative thought,
write it down in your journal. Pay attention to
how that thought makes you feel. Try to find
evidence that challenges your negative
thought. Replace your original thought with
an alternative or balanced thought. More of a
tech person? Search for “CBT” or “Thought
Diary” in your App store. There are several
good free apps out there.

2. You have constant self-doubt.

Perfectionists experience enormous self-

doubtespecially when it comes to their own
performance. Even if they receive
outstanding feedback, they will worry
they’ve tanked. Because a perfectionist’s
sense of self-worth hinges on the
expectations of others, they will obsessively
ruminate over everything. For example, they
will worry about whether they phrased their
email the exact right way, whether their
friends really had a good time last night, or
whether their boss actually liked the report
they submitted.

Challenge It:Practice self-compassion. Begin

by noticing your own suffering, especially
when it’s caused by self-judgment or self-
criticism. Once you notice your suffering,
don’t judge yourself for it. Remember,
imperfection is part of our shared human
experience. Our imperfections make us
unique.

3. Your self-worth depends on

what you accomplish and how
others respond.

Perfectionists base their self-worth on what

they’ve been able to achieve. They strongly
desire the approval of others and will
regularly play the comparison game. For
example, you believe that someone who
attends an ivy league school is better than
someone who attends a state college. Or
you may view someone with 300 Instagram
followers as less valuable than someone
with two million followers. The list can go on
and on.

Challenge It:Start treating yourself like you

would a loved one. Make a list of all the
things you love or appreciate about yourself
that have nothing to do with
achievement.Give yourself encouragement
and celebrate your better moments. Review
your list on a regular basis.

4. Fear of failure leads you to

procrastinate or abandon
projects.

Perfectionists continuously worry that they

won’t meet their own (or other people’s)
standards. Expectations of negative
consequences cause anticipatory anxiety,
which then leads to avoidance.
Perfectionism and procrastination go hand in
hand. Postponing difficult tasksor
abandoning them altogetherallows you to
avoid failing.

The Challenge:Adopt a “done is better than

perfect” mindset. Break projects down into
small, manageable steps. Take frequent
breaksespecially if you find yourself
becoming overwhelmed.

5. You cannot accept and

celebrate any successes.

Even if you complete your goal, you still

believe you could and should have done a
better job. Perfectionists don’t acknowledge
their wins to the extent of feeling joy or
satisfied over a job well done. Instead, they
find any and all flaws in how they executed
the project. For the perfectionist, there is
always something wrong, even when they
achieve the outcome they wanted.

Challenge It:Fight the urge to minimize your

accomplishments. Reflect on your success
by practicinggratitude. Take time to nurture
yourself by engaging in your favorite self-
care practices.

6. You avoid taking on

challenges that may expose your
weaknesses.

Perfectionists like to stick with what they

know to avoid making mistakes. When faced
with new challenges, they fear they won’t be
smart enough or capable of learning
something new. As a result, they avoid
taking risks and end up stifling their
creativityall to stay inside their own comfort
zone.

Challenge It: Start with small risks that are

not as anxiety-provoking. Over time, each
small step will decrease your fear, increase
your confidence, andstretch your comfort
level. For bigger challenges, take the time to
visualize the challengefrom beginning to
end. Imagine any roadblocks and how you
will overcome them.

7. You always put up a front,

insisting everything is perfect.

Many perfectionists have an outward need

to appear perfect and will avoid any chance
to reveal imperfectionsespecially in public
situations. Driven by a deep-rooted fear of
vulnerability, perfectionists hide their
perceived imperfections as ameans of
securing the approval of others.

Challenge It: Practice self-acceptance and

self-love by engaging in regular mindfulness
exercises. This will help you build self-
awareness so you can more easily identify
when you are experiencing unpleasant
emotions like shame, vulnerability or fear.
Remember that emotions are a normal and
necessary part of the human experience. We
all experience them.

8. The word “Should” is part of

your everyday vocabulary.

For most perfectionists, the word “should” is

a prominent fixture in their daily internal
dialogue. Statements like, “I should be the
best at everything I do” or “I shouldnt make
mistakes” will leave you feeling anxious or
depressed and often lead to avoidant
behaviors.

Challenge It:Learn to separate feelings from

facts. Just because something feels a certain
way doesn’t mean that it’s a reality. Instead
of telling yourself, “I shouldn’t be
feeling/thinking _____,” take a step back
and say, “I notice I’m feeling/thinking _____.
I wonder why that’s happening now?”

9. You get defensive when

receiving feedback.

Perfectionists have excessively high

standards and don’t allow for any mistakes.
So when they receive constructive feedback,
they have a tendency to engage in mental
filteringhearing and focusing only on the
“negative” feedback. Mental filtering can
make you feel as though you are being
verbally attacked, thus causing you to feel
defensive.

Challenge It: Make an effort to maintain an

open mind while receiving feedback. If you
find yourself feeling defensive, assume
positive intent from the person giving the
feedback. If you are unsure of their
intentions, ask questions to deconstruct the
feedback so you understand where it’s
coming from.

10. You frequently feel

overwhelmed with stress.

Perfectionism can be a massive contributor

to your personal stress, which can wreak
havoc on your body. Chronic stress has
been linked to insomnia, fatigue, anxiety,
depression and even cardiovascular disease.

Challenge It:Learn to let go and release the

stress associated with perfectionism. Begin
by increase your level of self-awareness
using mindfulness exercises. Learning to be
mindful will help you become more aware of
your perfectionistic tendenciesallowing you
to face your intrusive thoughts without
reacting to them.

Psych Central does not review the content that

appears in our blog network
(blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All
opinions expressed herein are exclusively those
of the author alone, and do not reflect the views
of the editorial staff or management of Psych
Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All
rights reserved.

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