I've been having a very difficult time lately. It has nothing to do with the people here.

The lack of
excitement. The lack of adventure. None of that. For me it's much more serious than that. It's about life.
Literally my presence on this earth and the grander scheme of things. It sounds like something stupid to
get into because it will make me seem (more) like some sort of crazy person but it's something that has
dominated my whole life and now is coming back around to my present conscious. No matter how hard I
try to escape it there is one undeniable fact about me. I am going to die.

No matter how hard I try not to think about it it just keeps hovering around the front of my mind. I have
wanted to write this piece for a while but really sitting down and talking about it makes me so
uncomfortable I haven't been able to do it. I just turned on this special on the Bahrain World Trade
Center I for some reason have on my computer and within one minute of the video starting it starts
talking about how the world is heating up and all this shit and my heart just skipped a beat the moment I
heard it and I got all flustered again. I just can't escape this.

Now this may seem like a random thing to bring up with you guys but my mortality is something I've
been struggling with all my life. Up until I was about 20 years old I really didn't think I was ever going to
die. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense. It's not like I didn't see death around me. It's not like I didn't
get that. But somehow I guess my ego was just so big that I really felt like some kind of chosen one. It's
just something my mind couldn't wrap around.

Well maybe that's not totally true. I guess I understood the idea of death when I was younger, in my
early teen years but at the same time it seemed everyone around me had religion and it seemed to me
that there had to be a God of some sorts and I just had to figure out which one it was and how the
whole thing worked. It was a main reason for me trying to kill myself when I was 12 years old. I just had
to know what happened when I died. I wanted to see God. I wanted to get answers. I was over dealing
with the world I was living in and the people who I didn't think appreciated me the way I wanted them
to and I wanted to take control of the situation.

Thankfully I was too incompetent or too physically strong to kill myself. The bottle of sleeping pills I
swallowed the night before didn't take. When I woke up the next morning and my mom was telling me it
was time for school my body was in rough shape but it was still running. I kept passing out and I felt very
off. I had to come clean about what had happened. A couple days in intensive care and a couple weeks
in the psych ward of Children's Memorial Hospital and I was back in school.

I could detail more of that whole experience but it's not the point of this story. It's a side point that I've
never been able to come to terms with "life" as it has been given to me and that has taken me all over
the place. In my later teen years I still believed there was a God but I found him to be a horrible asshole
and I felt like he and I were kind of in a one on one duel. Kind of like Lieutenant Dan during the
thunderstorm in Forrest Gump. I was mad with rage and ready to fight.

As I have grown older though and really started to piece things around me the further and further away
I have gotten in the belief that there is something or someone out there that created the world as we
know it and is waiting for me on the other side of my time on earth. It just doesn't make any sense to
me. I have tried to think about it from every angle and it just makes me more and more upset.
Religion. I mean seriously, what the fuck is all that?! When I was a kid the big thing was Christianity and
Jesus. I thought pretty much everyone believed in that and that meant there had to be some truth to it.
How could so many people be so wrong?

But there are so many things that push me away from Christianity. I mean it just doesn't make any
sense. Adam and Eve and then all of mankind came later. Noah and the Ark. All the crazy stories. Even if
you get out of the outrageousness of the Old Testament. Jesus is born and heals the sick and feeds the
hungry. The son of God. Dies for my sins? I mean, fuck man, I hate to be such a conspiracy theorist in
such an ancient time but if this dude is walking around doing all this shit why would anyone try to kill
him? How is he not the undoubtable son of God? How does every person in the world not believe in him
or the foundation of Christianity for that matter?

You know where Jesus was born? Bethlehem. You know where that is? Palestine! Do you know where
nobody believes in Jesus? Palestine! I will admit right now that I don't know anything about the religious
majorities really anywhere outside of the Vatican City but it is my understanding that most of the Middle
East is Muslim. How could the area where Jesus was born and lived and died not be the most dedicated
to his religion? That just doesn't sit with me.

And it's not just Christianity. It's all religions. Humanity is thousands of years old. I'd say like 4-5
thousand years old. Christianity has been around for 2,000 years. Before that it was the Gods of the Sun
and the Sea, and the Harvest, and the Underworld, and War, and every other god damn thing you could
think of. Then that went out of style. Even if we agree that Muslim, Christianity, and Hindu are the
biggest religions in the world right now, there are so many variations of all of them it's fuckin insane.
They can't agree on anything. They're all so god damn violent too.

Even over the past 50 years so much changes. I remember listening to early George Carlin CDs. He
would talk about how Catholics couldn't eat meat on certain days or some shit. I can't even remember
what day it was because it was just said in passing. I haven't really heard of that anywhere else. These
strict old religions are still evolving now? HOW CONVENIENT!!!

It just makes so much more sense to think that religion was created years ago. It explains so much more
of the world around us. Why extreme weather happens. Why tragedy strikes somewhere. It helps so
much more to think it's all part of a grander plan. And of course it brings comfort in death. And what's
more important to that?

Heaven. Heaven. Fuck man. Just saying it. Heaven. It just makes you sigh just thinking about it. It just
sounds so amazing. But what the fuck could that possibly be? I mean what the fuck? Are we really all up
there living on a cloud? All the good little boys and girls. I find it funny thinking about it right now
because it's the same side story to Christmas. I mean, what more of a human ego thing than Heaven. If
you are a good person then you will live forever next to God in his house. I mean, what would that look
like?

Trying to make sense of how Heaven would operate just makes me more crazy. I mean, heaven is
supposed to be the greatest place one can fathom. But the things I like to do more than anything else is
have sex (preferably with a gorgeous woman but I'll compromise with my left hand when necessary) and
watch sports and TV. I mean. Is that what I do in heaven? Is there a cloud that's the Chicago Cubs cloud
and we all go watch the Cubbies together? Come to think of it if there's a Chicago club fan club we're
probably all suffering in Hell. Scratch that. Seriously though, if there is a heaven would I qualify? Would I
be happy there? I don't fucking get it.

Seriously though. How would that work? And that obviously means you'd lose connection to the world
as we know it because otherwise there'd be some sort of thing that would have happened where we
could look at and say we were "touched by an angel" or some shit like that. And for that matter, fuck an
angel. If there really is a God who created mankind and loves us so, why doesn't he come back. I mean
it's all said in the song in "Jesus Christ Superstar."

Every time I look at you

I don't understand
Why you let the things you did
Get so out of hand
You'd have managed better
If you'd had it planned
Now why'd you choose such a backward time
And such a strange land?
If you'd come today
You could have reached the whole nation
Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication

I mean seriously. The whole world could be at peace if we were given some sort of direction. Why would
God or Jesus or whatever come then and not now? Didn't it help at all or did it just complicate fucking
everything?!

And if there is a God then why the separation of (for lack of a better word) talent? I'm not talking about
why some people are geniuses and some average Joes. Why some can play in the NFL and some are fat
bastards. Why some have huge dongs and others do not. Why some are born into wealth and some into
poverty. I'm talking about the ones who got dealt the real unfair deck of cards. The ones that are blind.
Mentally disabled. Physically disabled. Etc. How the fuck is that fair?

I honestly believe that the other ones I mentioned before are all a wash. Even if you're born super smart
or average, rich or poor, any of that shit. I believe some how your life averages out. Somehow we're all
built to find our own middle ground peace in the world. But for the latter group I mean fuck dude. That's
fuckin bullshit. Now don't take this high and mighty stance that you have someone who you love who
has been through that and you live them more than anything and they're no worse than anyone else
you know. Fuck that. I don't believe you wouldn't give them a healthy life if you could. And there's
nothing wrong with that. But the question remains, how is that fair that others get such better
advantages than others?
I don't know man. I just don't fucking know. It's just something I can't stop thinking about right now. I'm
almost 30. My Dad is almost 60. My Dad's dad is almost 90. My mother's dad died when he was in his
early 60s. To me when you reach your 60s you're in death's window. Now obviously you can live much
longer than that but if you die in your 60s it's not the shock that it is each decade before that. It is
becoming a reality that I could lose the most important person to me in the world (my father) at any
time. It is also becoming a reality that my life could already be halfway over (if not more).

What if that's it? I mean seriously though? WHAT IF THAT IS FUCKING IT?!?!? That is the question that
has sent me into panic attacks in the past and many close calls recently. THAT'S IT. THE LIGHTS GO OUT.
GAME OVER. You live your life here and then you are nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. What the fuck is
that?! Eternal Nothing?! Fuck. Eternal SOMETHING scares me enough as it is but eternal NOTHING. I just
can't grasp it and it rattles me to the absolute fucking core. I mean even if there was a heaven and it was
all well and good. Would I want to do that forever?

Even if I found a genie and had a wish to live forever on Earth would I want that? What if science
advanced and I could keep my brain functioning in a bowl or something and I could.... I don't know.
Fuck. That wouldn't work. Fuck man. There has to be something after this. There fuckin has to be! How
could life be so unfair?! The only thing more unfair than having nothing after life is having no life at all. I
mean I understand that I'm blessed to be given the life that I have but then after that I mean.... Fuck.
What the fuck am I going to do?!

I don't know man. I just don't know. Those of you who know me know that I'm a big fan of movies and
machismo and I've always wanted to be that guy who dies either on the battle field or of old age or
whatever the fuck that it is such a stoic moment of courage and strength. The face of fearlessness. I fear
I'll never get to that point.

The only way I would get to that point would be if I found a proof to myself that there is a God and
something else out there. Somehow I see a ghost or get some message from beyond or some shit like
that. I fear otherwise I'm going to be that guy who dies crying and screaming and scared out of his mind
and screaming at the top of his lungs that it's unfair and why, WHY?!? Fuck. That's going to be me I
fuckin know it.

I guess that's why nothing else in the world really scares me. Even things that risk death. Those things
don't scare me. I mean, I've never been in a gunfight or something like that so that's not really what I'm
referring to but I'm talking about the big risk taking stuff. The skydiving, the driving recklessly. All that
shit. At the end of the day I want to make the most of the life I have. I want to see and do it all. It's just
that at the end of the day when I'm laying on my bed thinking about the bigger picture it's when my
mind starts chasing itself in circles like I am now and I end up freaked out like a little child.

I don't know man. Even if a person lived 500 years. That would still be too short. There has to be some
sort of afterlife. At the same time obviously 500 years is way better than the 75 year average most
people get. This is why I am shocked that stem cell research is illegal. This seems the key to unlocking
the human life complex and we are refusing to try to decode it due to the resistance by rich, powerful,
and influential religious groups. How can people let this happen?! This could be the only chance we get!
I realized something about 5 years ago when I was on the train to work. There was a time when I was
open to the idea that my life could have been some sort of "Truman Show." That everyone around me
were just extras in the performance that is the life of DCHAV. I mean there is so much shit that happens
in my life it has to be the case. NO ONE'S life could be THIS busy! Now I'll say I might get into more
mischief than most others but at the end of the day when I was looking around on that train thinking all
the crazy thoughts that I run through I just realized for the first time that EVERYONE around me was
dealing with all of the same shit that I was. That the millions of people in the city were doing the same.
That the hundreds of millions of people in America were doing the same. That the Billions of people in
the world were doing the same. There's just so much shit going on out there.

Where does that leave me? I honestly don't know. I know my father believes in the hard worked and
balanced life based around family but I don't know if I can go into that right now. I know the money
thing doesn't matter to me. As long as I'm not in poverty I'm ok. At the end of the day I honestly don't
want to work that hard. I know tons of people with tons of money. I don't envy their lives at all. There is
very little they have done that I haven't. They might have some cooler toys but at the end of the day
that's all they are. Fuck that shit.

If this is really the only chance I have on this world I'm going to spend it on adventure. I don't really feel
like I have any other choice. Even if it's not the only life I have to live I need to search for that Holy Grail.
I need to find the answers. I need to figure this out. I've had talks about this subject with other people
and aside from the totally pathetic comments I get like "just don't think about that" other advice I get is
to just live the greatest life possible and "try to be remembered." This is something that matters to me
less and less.

I mean obviously I need to be honest. Or I guess I don't. I mean, you know I have my own website and
am a huge attention whore and want to be famous and known and loved and all that good stuff. But at
the end of the day none of that matters if after my 30-100 years on this world my light goes out like a
broken computer and I don't feel anything after that. I don't care if I die with statues of myself all over
the place or published books or unforgettable movies. That's why it's really an all or nothing dilemma.
THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!! I am open to the idea that I can learn something from someone
else and that's what I want to do most. I want to figure this out. I want to solve this problem.

Fuck. It's getting late. I mean. Not that late. It's passing 10pm right now. I used to stay up until 2am
every night back in Chicago. But that was when I had shit to do. I mean I have a lot of movies and TV
shows to watch around here but at the same time... I don't know. It's just like here there is nothing else
going on for me. I can't read because I can't focus on it. Not like I'd want to anyways. I just feel when I'm
here at night I'm the loneliest guy in the world. I know I have family and friends who love me and think
about me and communicate with me but with this living nightmare I'm having I just am constantly
miserable. SIGH. I don't know man.

I guess I'll just keep going forward like I always do. One day at a time. Hoping that one of these days I'll
have my EUREKA moment and solve this puzzle. I'm going to wait a few days before posting this in case I
remember something I wanted to add but didn't before. In the mean time I'll end this piece with the
prayer I make every night.

Dear God, Please forgive me for all of my sins as I know that I am a sinner and I fail every day. God.
Please. PLEASE if you're out there. Show me something. Please. God, I am so scared and lost not
knowing what happens at the end of this life. It paralyzes me. Please show me something to let me
know that I am living the life that I was given the way I am supposed to. If I knew I was doing the right
thing I could become one of your strongest prophets. If you can't then please give me the courage to go
on without it. God please protect me and my family and my friends from harm. Give them the lives that
they want. God, help me to find some sort of direction in my life. Everyone around me seems to think
that I'm not focusing on the right things but I feel that I can only follow what my heart tells me to be
right. And speaking of my heart. Please show me to someone who I can love. I feel so alone and the only
time I feel that I'm not is in the past when I've been in love. Please God. Help me. Amen.

I will admit that it can stray a bit from this as my mind wanders when I make a specific prayer for
something or someone but the foundation is pretty consistent. I don't know where that leaves me. I
guess I'm going to keep having to fight the battle. My mind is at its worst at night. Here's hoping I can fall
asleep quickly and wake up to the safety of the morning. It sounds easier than it is for me. We'll see how
it goes. Good night. Thanks for taking the time to read this.