Author__Zulaika________ Reviewer___Gabie Garzon__________

The goals of peer review are 1) to help improve your peer's paper by pointing out strengths
and weaknesses that may not be apparent to the author, and 2) to help improve editing
skills.

INSTRUCTIONS
Read the two drafts you selected twice, once to get an overview of the paper, and a second
time to provide constructive criticism for the author to use when revising his/her paper.
Answer the questions below.

Hi Zulaika, first and foremost, I want to commend you for your first draft and think some of the
phrases that you wrote are exceptional. You have a great first draft. I chose yours because I thought
yours had great qualities and I could pinpoint things you could alter rather than having to rewrite your
entire essay. Now, time for the peer review, which I must say is uncomfortable to do.

ORGANIZATION

1. Were the basic sections (Introduction, Conclusion, Bibliography, etc.) adequate? If not,
what is missing?

In the case of your introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, I can suggest a few
things to better your essay.  
1. The first recommendation is to divide up your paragraphs, creating smaller
paragraphs from the existing paragraphs. 
a. For example, your first body paragraph is one page long, which you
could divide into at least three separate paragraphs.
b. Anytime you switch to a different subject, this can be a new
paragraph. 
2. In addition, I would recommend creating a new conclusion paragraph that
does not offer any new information/ideas.  
a. A conclusion restates what has been previously mentioned in the
essay.  

Did the writer use topic and transition sentences well to clarify the sections of the text?
Explain.

Moving on to the next topic, transitional sentences. I see several great transitional
sentences, however, they are not used to introduce or conclude a paragraph. I really
appreciated your word choice and phrases, however. 
1. In your first body paragraph, I believe your second sentence fits perfectly for
a transitional sentence.  
2. Another sentence that I think would fit perfectly that does not begin a new
paragraph is within your final paragraph. Specifically, 
 i.  "An emblem of Chinese power and strength in a physical
manifestation (**insert comma*). the Great Wall holds immense
significance.” (Good Word Choice!). 
3. A sentence that I see that could be used for a conclusive sentence is;
i. "As time continued (*insert comma*) and dynasties fell and
raised (*insert comma*) the techniques and materials used to build
the wall changed." 
a. The sentence that is immediately after this
one could also be used as the transitional sentence to
a new consecutive paragraph.  
b. This new paragraph could consist of the
materials/methods used to build China’s Great
Wall. 
***You could always highlight topics by colors so that it is easier to reorganize too.) 

2. Was the material ordered in a way that was logical, clear, easy to follow? Explain.

Although you have great topics/facts, they are not organized. I would put similar
topics into their own paragraph, and certain sentences grouped together.  This
next example relates to military/original purpose. I would recommend keeping
military/purpose grouped together and separated from economic value,
structure, methods of construction, etc. I highlighted what I thought should be
in the same paragraph.
1. “The wall was intended for protection against the fearful scourge of men,
who swept down from the north and west, just as cousins, the Turks, harried
the frontiers of the Greek Empire. Their tactics were a swoop, a dash, and a
retreat; they had neither time nor skill for sieges. Hence a forty-foot wall was
a real obstacle; even if they scaled it, they could not get their horses over”
(Hart 1910). Outside of military uses, the Great Wall of China also created
jobs for the people of China.” 
i. ***This last sentence would be a good transition
sentence to the next paragraph of economic value. 
Then seven to eight sentences later, as the second sentence of a new body paragraph: 
2. “Although sections of the Great Wall of China that were built in a time
before the Ming Dynasty have disappeared, the sections built during the
Ming Dynasty are in good condition. Over time the Great Wall lost its value in
military defense since military power has progressed through technology.” 
This is followed by the structural qualities, methods of construction, current condition, and is
the first sentence to the final paragraph: 
3. “The Great Wall of China became known as the largest military structure
during the last of its construction during the Ming Dynasty Today, it can be
argued as one of the most infamous and recognizable symbols representing
the rich history of China. As one of the largest man-made structures on Earth,
the Great Wall of China deserves to be one of the wonders of the world. The
Wall has played a significant role in the development of China. An emblem of
 Chinese power and strength in a physical manifestation the Great Wall holds
immense significance.” 

 CITATIONS
4. Did the writer cite sources adequately and appropriately? Note any incorrect formatting.

I only saw one significant citation error. 

  There is no in-text citation for the information in your last paragraph. 
Formatting (less significant) Citation Errors 
  Remember to begin a quotation by capitalizing the first letter of the first word.
((Like you did for the last quote you used from Hart.)) 
  Not using a block paragraph for quotes that are longer than three sentences. 

5. Were all the citations in the text listed in the Bibliography section? Note any discrepancies.

I did not see any discrepancies in your Works Cited page. You wrote it in
alphabetical order, used a hanging indent, and cited the images properly. Good
job!

GRAMMAR AND STYLE

6. Were there any grammatical or spelling problems?

In the case of grammatical errors, I previously mentioned a few places, but I would recommend using
Grammarly; it is free and incredibly useful. You did good on spelling, as I did not find any misspelled
words. The only thing I noticed was some places you could add commas. Reading it aloud or having
someone else read it to you helps identify where it makes sense to take a pause (comma) before
continuing the sentence. Here is another example of grammatical errors that I noticed: 

1. "As the wonders of the world are addressed (*insert comma*) the Great Wall of
China is in the front of the line of discussion (insert comma) and for good reason." 
i.  **if you agreed, you could also rephrase this sentence and use

"discussed" rather than "addressed."  

ii. **and then follow it with the “front of the line" instead of
“front of the line of discussion.”
i. ** EXAMPLE,
“As the wonders of the world are discussed, the Great Wall of China is in the
front of the line, and for good reason” 
2. “Wonders of the world are structures which (***that) are commonly regarded
as the most magnificent and wonderful in the world. (Switch with a comma) Among
these wonders is the Great Wall of China.” 
7. Was the writer’s writing style clear? Were the paragraphs and sentences cohesive?

Throughout your entire essay, there was only one sentence that I did not understand. There were
multiple phrases that you wrote that I consciously thought were well-written. In the case of the single
confusing sentence, it was.
 "Their tactics were a swoop, a dash, and a retreat; they had neither time nor
skill for sieges." 
o You could explain this more and add some sentences that introduce
this phrase; however, I do like the word choice.  ((It’s still a good
sentence!) But what is swooping/dashing? Who is
swooping/dashing/retreating? Why? Where? When? Is it the Turks or the
Chinese? 

Redundant sentences 
 “The primary purpose of the wall was to protect. According to Owen
Lattimore, “the Great Wall of China developed out of an earlier system of
walled frontiers to which relatively little attention has been paid” (1937). The
wall was built by millions of workers over the course of hundreds of years and
throughout multiple dynasties and emperors. The Great Wall was meant to
keep out invaders specifically to keep out the Mongols from being able to
invade China. The wall was meant to initially act as a barrier that protected
the people of China from enemy invaders. “The wall was intended for
protection against the fearful scourge of men…”
 I would recommend only saying that it was meant for protection
once and,
 using only one quote from a different source. I think the facts are
good and would try and rephrase your sentences so that you’re not
saying the same things over and over.))
 “As time continued and dynasties fell and raised the techniques and
materials used to build the wall changed. As times modernized the techniques,
systems, and materials used to build the wall advanced with them.”
 ((You only need one of these sentences.))
 ***Really like the flow of the first sentence!!

CONTENT

8. Did the writer adequately address the paper topic? Explain,

You addressed all required topics, but it would be great if you elaborated a little on the
following. 
 Visual components.
  what is the color of the ram styled bricks versus the marble or granite?  
  How it is different? (Specific height, length, size, etc.)   
 Where did they get the materials to build it? 
 Details surrounding the barracks, beacon towers, garrisons, etc.
 How many of each feature?
 What do they look like?
 How did they operate? 
 How did it look in the past?
 What about it has visually changed?
 Finally, I would add the exact dates that the wall's completion occurred and the
dates of the dynasties you mentioned. 

9. Did the writer follow directions? Explain.

As the assignment requires, you created a good thesis, touched on the historical/cultural values, and
economic values, structure, and tried to incorporate photos. You have a great first draft, you
adequately addressed the properties that you believe make the Great Wall a world wonder and
followed the directions.

10. Did the writer comprehensively cover appropriate materials available from the standard
sources (e.g. web sources, online library resources, books, articles, etc.)? If no, what's
missing?

I believe your sources are credible, but as you mentioned in your discussion post, you need
a variety of primary and secondary sources.  
1. A simple but effective primary source is writing the visual
components; a photograph of the Great Wall is a primary source. 
2.  Another primary source that is easy to find is from travel blogs or
tourist websites. They often provide maps, the site's layout,
geographical properties, photos, and other miscellaneous information
that can be beneficial in this project.
 They are considered a primary source because they have been
to the location.  They are not a primary source for historical
information, just visual elements, such as structure, color, size,
etc.  
3. A final source that I can point you to is the UNESCO World Heritage
Website.  In the UNESCO’s World Heritage website, they have
general information photos, publications, and legal documents that
are resourceful and informative.  
 Here is a link if you are interested, you can explore links of the
description, maps, gallery, etc. Also, check out the 1987
document. It has a detailed description of the entire
wall. https://whc.unesco.org/en/list/438/documents/
11. Did the writer make some contribution of thought to the paper, or merely summarize data
or publications? Explain.

You have several poetic phrases that flow melodically and do not sound like you are regurgitating
facts that you have read.

12. Other comments or feedback.

One question I have for you is why are using GoogleDocs? Do you have the Microsoft Word
platform? Another useful application is OpenOffice.

I believe with a little revision and restructuring; you are going to excel in this assignment. You have
a great first draft and I hope I did not sound too negative. Of course, decide which advice that you
want to take. Do not feel compelled to change or add everything I mentioned. Hopefully, you find
this helpful and I wish you good luck!