Notion Press

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First Published by Notion Press 2017

Copyright © Latha 2017
All Rights Reserved.

eISBN 978-1-948352-17-8

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Dedicated to the society that brought me up.

– Latha
If you don’t laugh during sex at least once, you are having
sex with the wrong person.

– Extramadness.com

It takes more than sex to build a great marriage, but is it

nearly impossible to build a great marriage without it!

– Davewilliams.org

If sex isn’t an important part of your marriage, you can’t

beef if your wife or husband does this unimportant thing
with somebody else every once in a while, if you have no
interest in it.

– Dan Savage
 Contents

Acknowledgements
Prologue

Chapter 1 The Basic Necessities of Life

Chapter 2 The Dirty Word
Chapter 3 Women and Society
Chapter 4 Union of Mind and Body
Chapter 5 Secrecy, Suppression and Education
Chapter 6 The Toilet Seat
Chapter 7 Repercussions of Treating Sex as a Taboo or a Dirty Word
Chapter 8 Sex as an Expression of Love
Chapter 9 Extramarital Affairs
Chapter 10 Going Beyond Trust
Chapter 11 Friendship as the Basis
Chapter 12 Desperation
Chapter 13 Masturbation
Chapter 14 Wet Chats
Chapter 15 The Institution Called Marriage
Chapter 16 Marriage and Family
Chapter 17 Possessiveness
Chapter 18 Complementing Each Other
Chapter 19 Driving Away Inhibitions
Chapter 20 Male Ego
Chapter 21 Health and Sex Education
Chapter 22 Food and Sex
Chapter 23 Loss of Interest in Sex in Women
Chapter 24 Value Systems
Chapter 25 Rules for a Good Relationship
Chapter 26 A Glimpse into Married Life
Chapter 27 Child’s Play
Chapter 28 Myths about Love and Sex
Chapter 29 A Conformist View
Chapter 30 Need of the Hour and Hope for the Future
 Acknowledgements

I owe my thanks to all the people I have met in my life and all the people
who have played a part in my life. These are the people who have
inspired me into writing this book, directly or unintentionally.

I owe my thanks to all my dear friends and relatives and a few strangers too.
Some of my friends enthusiastically supported me. In fact, some of my friends
have been eager to know when my book would be published and how long I
would keep it under wraps. And then, some people were not in favour of me
writing this book. (Sex is a tabooed topic in this country and writing about it
is not considered a very noteworthy accomplishment, though ironically we
hail from the land of Vatsyayana and Khajuraho temples!) But, on my
insistence, they agreed to share their experiences and feelings with me.

I have consciously not mentioned any names in the book.

I will fail in my duty if I do not talk about Chandru, the designer of this
book’s cover and the pages. Chandru sat with me for many hours, making an
earnest effort to understand the book, so that the design he created did justice
to my work. Thank you, Chandru! Your understanding gave me a lot of energy
and confidence.

Thanks to my sister Pavithra, the first reader of my manuscript. Thanks for

pointing out the repetitions and redundancies, which I am quite known for.

And of course, I must thank my grown up children who, in spite of knowing

that in a society like ours whatever I wrote would have an impact on the way
they would be looked at, gave me the go-ahead for this book. They told me
sweetly, “You are sharing your views and we do not want to stand in the
way.”

Lastly, I certainly owe my thanks to you for having picked up this book to
read.
 Prologue

We don’t think too much about sex; we’re merely thinking

about it in the wrong way.

– Alain de Botton

T his book is not aimed at giving solutions to having good sex or an

enjoyable life. It is also not a research-based text on sex. It is an
attempt at a critical analysis of the way sex is perceived and practised and
the social stigma attached to the very word.

The subject of sex has always been an intriguing one for me. I am sure it is so
for many of us. Well, it is obvious because anything with a taboo attached to
it creates interest in us. Anything that is forbidden and suppressed builds our
curiosity and urges us to know more about it and experience more of it.

Many people have written on sex. In fact, I have read a few books on the
subject. These books either talk about the physical act of sex or they deal
with sex in a physiological, philosophical or psychological manner. I would
encourage you to first read the books of the latter kind, as it is not possible to
enjoy lasting pleasure without understanding the depth of the emotions
connected with sex.

So, what am I trying to do here in this book? I am just trying to analyse sex in
a very simple way—from what I have perceived from my experiences,
observed from my surroundings, and heard from others. In my opinion,
simple basic things like love and sex have been clothed in complexity,
creating havoc in our lives and society.
Like most of us, I too grew up in a family where sex was never discussed. I
have never seen any physical intimacy between my mother and father or any
of the married couples among relatives, neighbours or friends. My first brush
with sex incidentally coincided with the first ever movie I watched in my
life. A neighbour uncle, older than my father, took his youngest son (who was
ten years old), my brother (nine years) and me (eight years) to a Tamil movie
featuring Lord Murugan {a deity worshipped mostly by Tamilians, fondly
called ThamizhKadavul (Tamil god)}. During the interval, I felt like peeing.
Uncle made me wait till the movie started after the interval and then took me
to the men’s toilet. Once I finished, uncle pulled out his penis and asked me
to hold it tightly for a while. I could not think straight; I did not know how to
respond. I just obediently did what he asked me to do and came out. Though I
felt awkward about it, I was not actually bothered, from whatever I can
remember now. However, I stopped going to his house after that.

Then there was another incident. There was another neighbour who was
studying in law college. He was living alone. My brother and I used to call
him anna (brother). One day, he fell ill. My parents gave me some food to be
delivered to him. When I went to his room, anna pulled me on to his bed
forcefully. Despite my protests, he squeezed my tiny breasts so hard that they
startedpaining. He held my palm tight around his penis and pulled it up,
down, up, down. The sticky liquid that rushed on to my palm from his penis
that day still stinks in my memory.

I am not going to narrate every incident of molestation that happened to me at

an age when I had not even heard the word ‘sex.’ As I grew up to be a young
woman, I started understanding that children of both sexes (male and female)
and women of all ages (from babies to the old and withered) were subjected
to molestation, rape and torture in the hands of people who were respected at
largeand had a good reputation in society.
After going through a few incidents of molestation by so-called ‘respectable’
uncles who came home and by a few stray people in public places, I
experienced a major heartbreak at the age of fourteen. I had to go through the
same horror with my father. This went on for almost two years till I ran away
from home only to be brought back home the same evening and beaten up.

I noticed an irony in all these incidents (hope you noticed it too). Someone
who was so religious and god-fearing took me to a movie about a deity and
did something dirty to me. A person whom I addressed as anna (we have all
been told from childhood that a brother is someone who is protective of us
and we must always respect him) ejaculated forcefully using my hand. And
lastly, my father who was the reason for my very existence on earth, who was
supposed to protect me at all times, tried filthy things with me.

Even now, I find people coming to me for sex, citing so many reasons. I find
most of the reasons very stupid, but their intentions are very clear—they want
a ‘yes’ from me.

Many of them approach me under the pretext of ‘love’ though what they want
is my acceptance to sleep with them. Some of them say that they do not enjoy
sex with their wives, either because their wives are not interested in sex or
they do not get along well with their wives. While I call the former people
‘hypocrites,’ the latter people clearly puzzle me. Are women supposed to
take pity on these ‘deprived’ men and do a charitable deed for them?

Very rarely do I come across men who tell me directly that they would like to
have sex with me as that is what they want. Irrespective of whether I accept
the invitation or not, I would certainly appreciate these men for their
straightforwardness.

It also surprises me that, while a man’s ego does not allow him to accept a
‘no’ from a woman, in the pursuit of saving his ego with his persistence, he
does not seem to mind losing his self-respect.
A few of my male friends have told me that there are some women who are
like the men I have talked about in the previous paragraphs. I guess that is
true. The urge and desperation is equal in both the genders. I have read
newspaper articles about the molestation of teenage boys by so-called
‘aunties,’ who are assumed to be good neighbours or caring relatives.

Because I am a woman and because this book is a result of my experiences, it

may seem like I am blaming the other gender. No. That is not my intention.
My intention is to analyse the causes and effects of maintaining secrecy
around sex, looking at it as a tabooed topic to discuss, and regarding
premarital sex as a sin.

I have always wondered what we are boasting about when we talk about our
“rich culture?” We talk about monogamy, we talk about family values, we
talk a lot about the sentiments of fathers and mothers, and we talk on and on
about gods who are countless in number. Then why is there so much
desperation and resultant perversion among people seeking sex? Where is the
problem? Why is there so much hypocrisy in society? There is a deep-rooted
issue, which needs to be sorted out.

This book is the result of my shocks, surprises, disgust, love and questions. I
have tried to get answers from my own perceptions and from discussions and
debates with my friends. The answers have been compiled in the form of this
book.

Before I get on with the main chapters of the book, I would like to make it
very clear that whatever has been written does not in any way single out an
individual or a particular gender. This book is based on the people I have
met, the men and women I have come across in my life. I am not saying there
are no exceptions, I am just saying there is no rule either.

However, the fact remains that ours is a male-dominated society and women
have been the suppressed lot for many generations. Despite this fact, as far as
possible, I have tried to analyse everything from the perspective of both the
genders. I have also included excerpts from my discussions with a few
people, both men and women. I request you to read this book without any
bias towards any particular gender.

Why this title?

You may wonder why this book is called The Toilet Seat and what the toilet
seat has got to do with sex? It has got a lot to do with sex, and you will
certainly discover the connection as you go on.
 CHAPTER 1

The Basic Necessities of Life

W e are always told that the basic necessities of life are three in
number: food, clothing and shelter. I would say they are four in
number: food, sex, shelter and clothing, in the order in which they have been
written. In fact, if we think beyond this, we will realise that the necessities of
an early man would have been only food, sex and maybe shelter. The need
for food and sex is created by our instincts; even animals, whose lives are
guided by their instincts, crave for food and sex. The requirement for shelter
in the early man could have been driven by climatic conditions and the need
to safeguard one’s life. Clothing is a mark of civilisation and it would not
have been a basic necessity for the early man.

Even people who go without food do not deprive themselves of sex; such is
the force of sexual energy. The early man must have been eating anything and
everything to survive and would have had sex with anyone and everyone for
the sake of pleasure. Only after enjoying this pleasure, he would have even
known that sex is the way to reproduce. He would have perhaps experienced
the pleasures of sex much earlier than the taste of food.

We have come far from the jungle days into the world of civilisation. We
have researched widely on food. Today, food just is not a means for survival.
Food is also about satisfying our taste buds. In the process of doing so, food
helps us survive. Shelter and clothing too have evolved over the ages.

However, we have pushed sex into a dark room, locked it up tightly and built
an electric fence around it. We call it a ‘sin’ when two individuals have sex
without the approval of the so-called society, which is actually a non-entity
in the whole equation. Sex is kept under wraps, though it reaches a
sanctimonious status once society gives its approval in the name of
‘marriage.’

When the taste of the food we consume has taken such a dominant place in
our lives, I wonder why the pleasure of sex is being treated differently. This
differential treatment has resulted in sex occupying a predominant place in
the minds of people, causing perversion in thoughts and actions.
 CHAPTER 2

The Dirty Word

I f my parents had not had sex, I would not be here today talking about
this ‘dirty’ word. You too would not be reading this book without the
act of sex. If sex is dirty, then why are we taught to respect our parents who
had sex in the process of having us?

When everything that has stemmed out of sex is considered sacred, how
come sex is a DIRTY word? I am unable to understand this.

Sex has given the world people. It has taught us about sharing, without which
humanity cannot survive in a human being. Children and pets would not have
come into the world without sex.

Sex is not dirty by itself. Sex becomes dirty when it is forced upon another
person through emotional or physical threats. This may happen in sex trade,
this may happen at large, and this may also happen in the so-called sacred
institution called marriage. Elements such as water, fire and air are the
essence of life. By themselves, they are pure in nature. They cannot lose their
purity on their own. But we can contaminate them and call them ‘impure.’
Human beings have taken upon themselves to contaminate everything that is
pure in nature, everything that makes his/her world go around, everything that
supports his/her existence, everything that adds beauty to his/her
surroundings, everything that adds life to his or her living, and sex is no
exception!

Sex has been made dirty by man because of the secrecy surrounding it,
because of the suppression and restrictions imposed by social norms, and
because of the inequality meted out to women by society and surroundings.
Man is mostly on top and it is therefore easy for him to crush the woman
below him. Of course, in some places, the woman too has the power to crush
a man and strip him off his dignity, wealth and what not! I can say one thing
for sure. It is a general notion that ‘good’ and ‘decent’ people do not talk
about sex openly and only the ‘dirty’ people talk about sex.

I had a friend. We used to talk about so many issues—both general and

personal in nature. Whenever I wanted to pour out my heart, I could count on
him to just sit and listen to me.

Most of the time, people misunderstand this. When we pour out our problems
to others, they think that we expect them to sort out our issues. Not at all!
Sometimes, we just want to share our feelings or problems at a particular
point in time. We are not always looking for solutions from others. When we
share our feelings with others, we feel relieved and light and we become
more energetic and level-headed to face the problem or resolve it on our
own. This friend was one such person for me with whom I could share
anything. However, one day, somehow the topic of discussion steered
towards sex. Soon we started sharing our views on it.

That night, my friend called me and asked me, “Will you have sex with me?”
I did not understand what went wrong. He told me that he had never seen me
in “that sense” till then, but when we had discussed the subject of sex openly,
he could not help imagining having sex with me. He said he had called me
because he could not think of anything else but that and had become very
desperate to have sex with me. When I told him that sex was just one of the
subjects of our discussion and that I was not interested in having sex with
him, he asked me many questions, including “why not?” I told him that sex
had to be a mutual want and a spontaneous desire. I refused firmly because I
did not feel like it. So, he broke his friendship with me. Firstly, he was angry
with me, because it was me who had planted the seed in his head by talking
about sex so openly. And secondly, from then on, it became impossible for
him to look at me only as a friend. I have no hard feelings towards him, but I
feel sad that just a discussion on this topic had sounded the death-knell of a
good friendship. This is what the way we look at sex does to all of us.

Love and sex are natural feelings that arise in us without anyone inducing
them voluntarily. So, why should people feel hurt and humiliated when the
other person refuses to reciprocate these feelings? When we want to have sex
with someone and if that person does not want to do so, why should we get
angry or hurt? Why should we take it personally? I cannot force myself to
love someone or enjoy sex with the person. Sex and love are like people’s
tastes in food; they are different from person to person. Can we question this
basic truth?

There is always a confusion between love and sex. The physical arousal to
have sex is sometimes misunderstood as love. Sometimes we use the term
‘love’ to make others have sex with us. Then there is the fear factor that
prevents us from expressing ourselves clearly. Even if we genuinely like
someone and want to spend the rest of our life with that someone, we do not
know how to approach the other person, and we are scared of being
misunderstood.

Ours is a country where people like Vatsyayana lived and wrote the
Kamasutra, sculptures depicting sexual postures were carved, temples like
Khajuraho were built, and several scriptures about sex were written. But
today we seem so closeted. We have lost the open culture, become unnatural,
and come far, far away from nature.
If sex is taught and talked about openly, we will definitely be able to reduce
the number of rapes, molestation and bad touches and save our future
generations from physical and mental torture. The openness can strengthen
the relationship between sexual partners, make sex more enjoyable, and help
healthier friendships blossom between people of the opposite sexes. Then
sex will no longer be considered a ‘dirty’ word.
 CHAPTER 3

Women and Society

T hough things are changing slowly, our society is still a male-

dominated one and there are different rules for women and men,
especially when it comes to subjects like sex.

While it is okay for men to talk about sex openly, women cannot. In fact,
women do not take the liberty of talking about it openly. When they do decide
to talk about it and come out in the open with their views and perceptions,
society considers them immoral.

A woman who discusses sex openly (just the basic stuff and not even the
deeper details) is least expected to say ‘no’ to the advances of a man. The
general perception is that if a woman talks about sex to a man or in front of a
man, she would be ‘okay’ to sleep with anyone and everyone. People do not
seem to understand the difference between talking about sex and sexy talk. A
woman’s attitude towards sex is determined by whether she talks about it or
does not talk about it. If she talks about sex, she is labelled as ‘that kind’ of a
woman. And if ‘that kind’ of a woman says ‘no’ to a man, it hits his ego very
badly.

I do not understand this hypocrisy. When I talk about food, I do not find a
queue of men standing in front of my house with their plates, assuming that I
am offering them food. However, when I talk about sex, they (they do not
think or assume) decide that I am inviting them to sleep with me.

If a woman refuses to sleep with a man, all the absurd questions are put
forward to her. “Then why did you talk about it so openly?” the woman is
asked. “I am sure you do not think it is wrong to sleep with other men. Then
why do you not want to sleep with me?” If the woman doesn’t buckle under
pressure and continues to refuse, the man’s ego gets deeply affected and the
woman is blamed for her openness.

Why should a woman talking about sex openly be perceived as someone who
would be okay to sleep with anyone and everyone? This may be because
women in our society have been told to ‘behave’ themselves. So, a woman
who disobeys this rule and talks about it freely is seen as someone who will
freely sleep with anyone.

Our society also assumes that women do not approach men for sex. This is
also one of the reasons for a man to keep thrusting his wish to have sex with
her even after her clear NO. When asked why, the answer is very simple.
Which woman will say YES the first time itself even if she wants to? If we
keep putting pressure, one day she would give in making it appear she is
doing it for your sake!

Though this stance sounds absurd, may be it is a fact because in our society, a
woman is not supposed to accept a proposal easily as that would make her
look like an immoral woman.

Even if she is willing to have sex with people she likes, why should anyone
assume that she would be willing to sleep with anyone and everyone who
approaches her? And why should a man’s ego get hit when a woman turns his
request down? What does love, sex or physical attraction mean to these
people? And what do people try to achieve by forcing someone to have sex
with them? I can keep adding several questions here. In fact, these questions
have paved the way for this book’s foundation.

Objectification of Women
Objectifying women is a very normal and acceptable thing in our society.
Both men and women do this. Though a few of us see it as a despicable act,
many women do not seem to mind it. I see this as a deep-rooted
psychological manifestation of the way we bring up our girl children.

In most Indian families, the boys are dressed up casually in jeans, shorts and
T-shirts. “You look like a prince to me, no matter what you wear,” is the
general compliment from mothers and fathers. Whereas, a lot of effort is
taken to dress up girls. Girls are dressed up in traditional clothes, fancy
bindis, flowers and accessories, and made to feel like princesses. The
daughter of the family is told that her Prince Charming would appear one fine
day and take her away once she grows up to be a beautiful woman.

This may seem to be a very casual act for parents and onlookers. However,
deep down, we are planting a seed in the mind of the young girl that she
should always dress up well enough to attract the attention of others. She is
unconsciously told that unless she dresses up well she is not beautiful. Thus,
the girl does not feel confident of herself without the external beautifying
elements. This is how we bring her up. We always associate beauty with
women. We unwittingly ingrain the belief that a woman’s core objective in
life is to appear beautiful to others. As the girl steps into adolescence, her
focus is only on beautifying herself, without which she does not feel
confident about herself. She believes that only beautiful girls attract good-
looking and smart men.

The need to look good in the eyes of others, especially men, only grows
through the years and does not go down. I am no exception to this. So, the
journey of objectification, especially selfobjectification, begins here.

In a male-dominated society, where a few religions even believe that women

are created for men, objectification of women does not come as a surprise at
all. In fact, when a woman raises an objection about this, she is looked down
as an alien.

Once, on a relaxed Sunday evening, I was sitting and reading a book. I heard
a beep on my WhatsApp. I took my eyes off the page I was reading and took
my mobile to look into what had been sent. There was a picture of two big
boobs painted in different colours. They were made to look like a gift
wrapped with a ribbon knot. To my shock, it was forwarded by a friend of
mine whom I had always respected.

I became wild looking at it. And I sent the friend a message. “How can you
send such a thing? I never expected this from you. I am really hurt.” His
response shocked me no end. He seemed to be surprised with my reaction.
He replied very irritatingly, “What is wrong with you? Why do you have to
react so strongly? I found it amusing and so I sent it to you. I don’t see any
reason for you to react like this. Maybe age is catching up with you, and you
have lost your sense of humour and are becoming very sensitive.”

His response clearly puzzled me. Can objectifying a woman’s body part be
seen as a joke? Every day, we come across derogatory remarks and actions
by people around us. They act or say things in a very casual, matter-of-fact
manner. The jokes that are forwarded in WhatsApp and the messages posted
on Facebook are received without anyone raising a brow or batting an
eyelid. When I object to such jokes, people wonder what is wrong with me.

If we analyse the work of Indian writers, especially poets, we can see that
they have always described a woman as a flower, the moon, the earth and so
on. A woman is generally not talked of as a human being and is always
compared with objects, whereas a man is always a man, a human being. Even
the holy books of most religions talk about women as if they were created for
men’s use.

However, women in our society do not seem to think deeply about these
issues. These comparisons seem harmless when we look at them
superficially. But they have unconsciously planted the seed that women are
always for men. As a result, when it comes to sex, she becomes only an
object in the eyes of the man. And the woman does not seem to have any
qualms about accepting this. She does not voice out her true emotion or
feeling.
 CHAPTER 4

Union of Mind and Body

Sex is emotion in motion.

– Mae West

F or some people, sex is the union of bodies. For most people, it is

nothing but a quick process of ejaculation. In my opinion,
masturbation is a much better indulgence than loveless sex.

About 90 per cent of people do not think that sex is the union of the body and
the mind. When people understand this, there is no way they will take the
other person for granted, which is generally the case. But who cares about
love? I am sure ‘fast sex’ culture existed much before the fast food culture
came into the scene. In fact, though we call pizzas and burgers ‘fast food,’ we
spend more time at these so-called fast food joints than in our beds with the
people we have sex with. That is why sex has degraded to a large extent.

“Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they’re
not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay
together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it
the next, or – such is the pleasure they experience – they may never finish
it. No eleven minutes for them, ” says Paulo Coelho in his book Eleven
Minutes.
Sex has become just a physical act, and our society does not in any way help
people understand that it is not so. By keeping sex in the dark and not
allowing people to learn it the proper way, society believes that, as long as
people are ejaculating and producing a kid or two, people are having sex and
enjoying it too. This is merely an illusion.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience. It is at the root of life and

has to be understood fully to experience it. But there are stories where
even very great men have fallen for sex from great heights to the shallows.
True sex never fails as it is a bondage between two souls that have come
together. Basically, it is not the sex that gives pleasure, but the true
partner gives it. Therefore, sex can be termed as an art in itself, a kind of
act that is good when properly enacted, but to enjoy it thoroughly, it also
needs the cooperation of the mind as well a clear heart and soul. Sex is not
just an act of pleasure but the feeling of togetherness, being so close to
another person and being comfortable in the partner. If love can be termed
as a result of chemistry between two people, sex is nothing but an act of
biology between them.

–Author unknown
 CHAPTER 5

Secrecy, Suppression and Education

H ow many of us are ready to discuss sex in an open forum? I am not

talking about friends getting together and describing a woman’s
body or women getting together and talking about what they did with their
husbands or boyfriends. I mean a healthy discussion on the nature of sex as
such and how it impacts our life and the sutras of it.

Our great ancestors have really enjoyed sex, and they did not seem to have
felt any shame about it. But through the years, sex has turned out to be a dirty
word and has become a thing of secrecy and taboo, ultimately boiling down
to suppressing the minds and actions of people.

Parents, teachers and other responsible elders should definitely teach

youngsters about sex as soon as they reach adolescence. Won’t they not learn
it on their own when the time comes? This is the question that is generally
asked. But let me tell you that youngsters learn it the wrong way from the
outside world. ‘When the time comes’ is a very vague phrase. How do we
know when the time strikes?

We teach youngsters about so many things. We do not allow them to inquire

and learn by themselves. We teach them about everything in life but sex. We
not only leave the topic of sex aside, but we also ensure they do not learn
anything about it till they get married. As soon as a child attains puberty
(there is scientific proof that even a male child attains puberty at a certain
age and has a menstruation cycle, just like a woman, though it is not
obvious), the sexual energy automatically starts flowing within. In the
absence of an open talk with parents, children become quite confused about
the physical changes in their body. This results in mental instability. When
sex is seen as a dirty word and is shrouded in secrecy, youngsters become
curious about it and start exploring it the wrong way.

There are reports of teenage boys raping small girls. There are boys who get
molested by grown-up men and women and in some cases the boys become
excited about it and it becomes even an obsession with them. These incidents
are not even reported as no one talks about it. There are so many adolescents
who fall prey to the unexplored world of sex and lose their vision of the
future. The built-up sexual energy and curiosity in them urge them to get
physically close to someone. Some youngsters even think they are in love.
Complications and complexities become the order of their lives.

Keeping youngsters away from the knowledge of sex pushes them to

experiment and explore on their own. Adults do not seem to be aware of this.
Or perhaps they intentionally turn a blind eye to this. Youngsters are taken for
granted and are expected to be virgins (here, virginity holds good for both the
genders) till they get married, when they can legally have sex with their
spouse.

Has anyone been concerned about how a young man or a young woman copes
with his or her feelings of sex without knowing anything about it?

While some youngsters deal with their feelings by secretly exploring the
world of sex, a few obedient kids do not learn about it even in secret. If you
think this is good, it is not. In fact, I would say this is more dangerous than
the former. Many marriages are ruined on day one itself because of
ignorance, though the partners carry on living together just for the sake of
society, because they think that is how marriage is supposed to be and
everyone must be going through the same problem.

In most cases, youngsters learn about sex from movies or videos. What they
see is what they learn. What youngsters do not realise is the actors in the
videos are just acting and are not exactly involved in mutual sharing of love
and sex. So, the youngsters do not know if a particular act actually produces
excitement or not. The video shows people taking each other for granted and
seemingly enjoying the act. These videos do not show the expressions of love
and attachment between two people. So, youngsters conclude wrongfully that
sex need not be an expression of love and it is meant only for carnal
pleasure.

The tragedy arises from the fact that there is not even basic level sex
education in the schools and colleges of our country. Our system doesn’t
mandate that a man or a woman to be eligible to become a wife or a husband
or for that matter even to have sex. Every human being born on earth
automatically becomes eligible for the title of a husband, wife, mother or
father. Life has taken a backstage in our lives. But we still keep running the
show deceiving the viewers (the people in the so-called society) as well as
ourselves.

How many schools, colleges or even homes for that matter impart the lessons
of life to their children? How many elders have asked the so-called
‘eligible’ bachelor if he is indeed eligible for marriage? Eligibility in our
society only means the money a man brings into the family. When it comes to
a woman, even that is not mandatory. Ever since the day a child starts going
to school, society starts advising him or her about the value of education and
the means to earn a living. At no stage is the child taught how to earn his or
her ‘life.’ Life is not given priority in our living. We all lost our lives when
we came out of our innocence. Now, life has to be earned. We have no
choice! Living is different from existing. We all exist and do not live because
we always follow the path that others in society expect us to follow, and that
is how we are brought up by our elders, thus killing our instincts to live our
life on our own terms.

How many men and women are clear about the responsibilities they have to
take up when they take in another life into their lives? Do we ever teach
youngsters how to nurture the newly found relationship in their lives? The
answer is a big NO! Have any of us advised youngsters to read a good book
on sex before getting married? Do we gift couples an educative book on sex
so that they become responsible husbands and wives? When one of the
underlying reasons for marriage is safe sex, why are we so hesitant to talk
and learn about it? Why do we not think sex requires proper education and
learning?

When we talk of ‘safe sex,’ we tend to think only in terms of the physical
problems that arise out of unsafe sex. Safe sex also refers to the mental
problems that may arise because of not bothering about the likes and dislikes
of the partner and failing to understand whether the partner is really enjoying
sex and is satisfied with the outcome. Only if these things are taken into
account, will the partner look forward to coming to bed again. Otherwise,
one has to deal with mentally ill partners. We either choose to ignore the
facts, or we are not bothered by them. How stable will the relationship be
under such circumstances?

So many women cry after their first sexual experience because of the
brutality shown by the sex-starved male. Do you know how many men get
frustrated because of the attitude of the woman who thinks sex is an act of
barbarism? How many men care to look at the face of the woman to check if
she is enjoying what he is doing to her? How many people are able to make
the other person feel loved and respected when they share their bodies with
each other?
Sex is about sharing, but unfortunately, we have learnt that it is about taking.
We often feel that if we are enjoying it, there ends the matter. It’s all over!
The woman’s body cannot only bear children, it can also bear the man’s
attitude. In many cases, the man is active, and the woman settles for being a
passive partner. Depending on her personality, the woman either uses sex to
her advantage or cries silently within herself when she is forced into a
corner.
 CHAPTER 6

The Toilet Seat

Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory

substitute for masturbation.

– Karl Kraus,
an Australian journalist

I would like to change just one word in the above sentence. I would like
to replace ‘sometimes’ with ‘mostly.’

In our society, parents have all the rights to beat their children, under the
pretext of being concerned about their wellbeing and teaching them a lesson.
But the underlying truth is parents are physically and financially more
powerful than their children. The poor child is dependent on the parents and
cannot hit them back. Parents take advantage of this and crush their children’s
self-esteem. The same thing happens in sex. A man is physically more
powerful than a woman. Nature has bestowed the woman with an open hole
into which the man inserts his organ, whether she wants it or not. A woman,
even if she wishes to do so, cannot rape a man. The man’s organ cannot be
forced into the woman’s hole, unless the man wishes for it. Even if the man is
okay with passive sex, unless he gets aroused, a woman cannot force herself
upon a man.
At least the child has a ray of hope that one day he or she would grow up and
become more powerful than his or her parents. But a woman who is
subjected to torture by her man does not even have this hope. This gives a
man an edge over a woman. Many women, after marriage and children, live
as if they cannot pick up the pieces and walk ahead. How many women can
move on with their lives? If every woman starts doing this, I think at least 50
per cent of marriages would break.

Someone said that sex is a crime because it is always done in the dark. As it
is done in the dark, you can avoid looking into the eyes of the partner. So, this
makes it easy to commit the crime under the illusion that he or she is enjoying
the act. The natural instinct of any living being has become a crime today,
because of the way we treat it, not because of its original nature.

For many men, the woman is not a partner in bed, but is a toilet seat in the
washroom. The man is in a dire state of emergency and urgency to get his
semen out, and he needs a place to eject it. So, he assumes that his wife or
girlfriend is waiting for him to use her like a toilet seat. The woman is like
the toilet seat on which the man sits to eject his semen.

This may seem a tad harsh on the men; they actually do not think of the
woman as a toilet seat and eject into it. But the comparison is unavoidable as
the man is under the illusion that ejection is what sex is all about. The man
thinks the woman is enjoying the act as much as he is. And of course, there
are men who feel they are superior to women and women are created for
their use. This is the thought that leads to rape or forceful sex, either within
the institution of marriage or at large.

I pity the women and the men too! They know very little. If there is an exam
on sex, they will be utter failures. Who taught them about sex? Who assessed
them? By virtue of being born a man or a woman, he or she automatically
becomes a lover or a husband/wife. When it comes to marriage or sex,
everyone seems to enjoy a 100 per cent reservation/quota. There is no
eligibility or mandatory requirement.

And on top of it, women are expected to keep quiet and accept the man as he
is. Is this not a part of the unwritten marital agreement? If a woman voices
her dissatisfaction, the man’s ego gets hurt. He either calls her a bitch or
stops having sex with her. How can an egoistic mind even think of improving
itself? The ego stunts his growth, and there is no scope for learning.

Let me now shift gears and talk about the woman who is being used as a
toilet seat. If a particular man is the first person the woman is having sex
with, she is under the impression that this is what sex is all about and
wonders why people give so much importance to it. Out of love and not
wanting to hurt the man, she allows herself to be used as a toilet seat.
Fortunately, this phrase does not cross her mind. As time passes, the woman
feels utterly bored of the mechanical act of sex. When she crosses the
threshold of tolerance, she feigns headaches and tiredness and uses old age
and children as reasons to get out of the mundane task.

It would not be fair on my part if I do not talk about the woman who harasses
the man in bed, either by being indifferent or by refusing to sleep with him
for silly reasons. I would say the real reason is the woman does not think of
sex as mutual enjoyment. She acts as though she is doing the man a favour or
is doing a charitable act by agreeing to sleep with him. The woman may act
as though she does not enjoy sex and only the man needs it. She may also be
angry with the man and punish him due to her anger. All this happens because
basically the woman does not enjoy the act, as this act does not involve love.
It has also been ingrained into the woman’s mind that women do not need sex
as much as a man needs and that is the way nature has made them.

Believe me, I am not talking about a random event out of the blue. In the name
of sex and physical relationships, there are dirty things happening in many
families. Once my friend told me about the manner in which her husband used
to have sex with her. After a tired day’s work, she would go to sleep. Her
husband would come and lie next to her, pull up her saree from below, insert
himself inside her, get relieved, and then turn back and sleep. And that was
it!

Awakened by his touch, she would just lie on her side, her back facing her
husband, with tears in her eyes. When I asked her why she did not stand up
for her rights, she said they lived in a single bedroom house with her two
grown-up sons. “If I refuse sex and this guy starts shouting, how do I face my
kids?” she said.

When a man needs to be just a man for him to have the rights to have extra-
marital affairs and one-night stands, a woman always is made to feel guilty if
she thinks beyond having this mundane procedure with her husband. When
she gets an opportunity and musters her guts to go ahead and sleep with
another man, she always tries to justify her acts either to herself or to the
society.

Sex is as essential as food. While food can be cooked and enjoyed alone, sex
needs the involvement of two people. If there is no involvement from both the
parties, there can be no enjoyment for either of them. Sex is neither a deed of
charity nor a weapon of anger. It is amutual want arising out of love and a
desire to be physically close to each other.

I have heard about men who do not touch any part of their partner’s body.
The man just inserts his organ into the vagina, does a few pushups and comes
out energised. I have also heard of men who press the woman’s boobs for a
few seconds or minutes and then inserts himself into her vagina and comes
out, as if that is all the woman needs to attain her orgasm. A few ‘concerned’
men, who think they know that a woman has to be satisfied before he finishes
his ‘job,’ rubs her vagina for a few seconds. When he hears her ‘aahs’ and
‘oohs’ a few times, he decides she has attained her orgasm or assumes he has
done his duty and pushes himself into her and ejaculates.

Recently, I was surprised to hear this from a man who has been married for
fifteen years and has had a few extramarital affairs.

He believes the process of releasing liquid after arousal is a woman’s

orgasm! After everything is over, he asks her if she enjoyed herself. How
would a woman who lovesher man have the heart to say ‘no?’ She would
have definitely enjoyed being with him intimately and getting aroused, but at
the end of it, she is always left with an incomplete feeling. The man gets what
he wanted, but she wants more. How long can a woman keep sacrificing her
pleasures?

It appears to me that sex is being handled like a mechanical process to result

in a byproduct, the byproduct being a child. Is it enough if a child is born out
of sex? Are people having sex merely as a reproducing mechanism? How
will a person who does not care for his or her partner’s happiness and
involvement during sex going to enjoy bringing up the product? Is this why
human beings bring up children like lifeless, brainless products? Is this why
parents do not allow their children to think on their own or decide the life of
their choice? Is life not about living at all? Strange are the ways of men and
women!

Recently, I had a chat with a few married women. A few of them were newly
married, and a few of them had been married several years ago. I was
shocked to hear that they had never been kissed by their husbands—not
before sex, not during sex or after sex. They all uniformly said that sex for
them was all about allowing their husbands to squeeze their breasts (and
most of the times painfully), widening their legs to give the men easy access
to their vagina, and waiting patiently for a few minutes to get over with it.
After the act, the husbands just turned aside and started snoring, whereas the
women had to get up, wash themselves, come back to bed and stay wide
awake. This is what marriage has done to them; this is what they get for all
that they do for the men they are married to.

Some of them very innocently told me, “I think we need to wait for our next
birth to know or enjoy sex, if at all we believe your words that it is an
enjoyable act.”

And there are men who believe the longer they take to ejaculate after getting
into the vagina, the more fun the woman has. When the man does not even do
what is required to make her attain her orgasm and, for that matter, does not
even show that he cares about her enjoyment, what is the point in being
inside for a long time? The woman only gets frustrated. In fact, she would be
happy if the process ended fast.

It is indeed pathetic that even the men who boast of having had many affairs
or proclaim to be the best in bed (I do not know how they came to such a
conclusion!) do not have a convincing answer as to what they do in bed and
how they know if the woman is happy or not.

During sex, there is no respect for a woman’s feelings, likes and dislikes.
There is no respect for her body, even among the so-called educated,
knowledgeable persons. When questioned about this, the simple answer is,
“Nature has made us like this, you cannot blame us.”

Not only in our society, across the universe, women seem to suffer men of
this type. I am reproducing the words I read in Nancy Friday’s book My
Secret Garden (Women’s Sexual Fantasies) . This is a compilation of letters
and calls she received from women on their sexual fantasies. The excerpt is
from one of those women:

“I think you’re going to find that all men are really going to get upset about
this book of yours. So many of them still think that women are for their
enjoyment only. Some won’t admit that women (if handled properly) have
strong sexual desires and feelings, just as they do. Most men that I ran into
before marriage didn’t even know what foreplay was. If it becomes more
open and publicly known that foreplay is usually necessary to get the ball
rolling for the woman, I’ll bet there’ll be a lot more sexually satisfied
women than there are now. I had sex with thirty or so men before my husband
and never had an orgasm; I always got the ones who jumped on, then jumped
off and took me home, and of course I told them they were fantastic lovers
and all that but I felt nothing but frustration.”

And there are men who casually remark that women are not too interested in
sex and they only enjoy taking care of their husbands and kids. These men
believe women derive pleasure from giving. Such men’s views (on woman’s
needs) are based on what they feel they can do for women and not based on
what women want from men and life in general.

What are women for men like these if not toilet seats?

It is unfortunate that even when a man is keen to give his partner the kind of
pleasure he derives from sex, he does not know how to give it to his woman.
Sometimes, he does not have the patience to understand if the woman has
really achieved an orgasm or not.

The hard facts:

Unfortunately, many women aren’t getting the orgasms they want. Last year,
Cosmopolitan magazine published a huge and exhaustive survey, which came
up with the following results.

• Two-thirds of women aged 18–40 years said they have faked orgasm.
• 72 per cent said they had been with a guy who climaxed but the guy
didn’t even try to return the favour.
 • 38 per cent said they weren’t getting enough clitoral stimulation.
• 50 per cent said, “I often feel like I’m almost there, but I can’t quite get
over the edge.”
The most important thing for men to realise these days is that most women
want orgasms .

A couple of generations ago, many women weren’t bothered about not getting
an orgasm. Probably many of them didn’t even know what an orgasm was.

According to doctors, it was “normal” for a large percentage of women to

have no experience of an orgasm.

Indeed, as late as the 1970s, there were a few general physicians who
maintained that the female orgasm didn’t exist and it was simply a myth made
up by the media.

All this has changed now. Today, according to medical opinion, every
woman should be able to have orgasms, if she wants to do so.

Results from a research carried out in the UK in 2014 suggest that a majority
of women are capable of multiple orgasms, if they wish to have them.

– Dr. David Delvin

7 December 2015
www.netdoctor.co.uk

Feigning an Orgasm
Why do many women feign an orgasm?

The first reason is love. The woman loves her partner so much that she does
not want to hurt the man’s ego by letting him know that he has not been able
to make her achieve an orgasm. Ironically, in our society, a male always
attaches his manliness to his ability to give pleasure to his woman. His ego
gets hurt when he is told that his woman has not achieved pleasure. So, a
woman feigning an orgasm fans his ego.

Secondly, by feigning an orgasm, a woman saves herself from the

embarrassment of having to talk about it. Remember, she has been taught not
to talk about sex openly.

Thirdly, if a man finds out if he is not able to satisfy his partner, he starts
wondering if the woman would search for another partner. So, feigning is a
safer option.

And then there are women who feign an orgasm so that the man is done with
his act fast. Thus, she saves herself from the torture of putting up with
whatever the man is doing.

In some cases, when the man comes to know that his wife is not getting the
‘required satisfaction,’ the woman fears the man may go in search of another
partner. For the fear of losing him to another woman, the woman fakes an
orgasm. She cannot tell the man bluntly that he has not been satisfying her.

But isn’t it surprising that the feigning goes unnoticed through the years? Is
this possible at all? Can a partner not know when someone feigns an orgasm
or happiness? I think he would know it surely. Maybe feigning (the woman
feigning orgasm and the man feigning ignorance) has become a mutually
convenient habit for both of them for various reasons.

Alain de Botton, in his book How to Think More about Sex, says,
“Erections and lubrication simply cannot be effected by willpower and are
therefore particularly true and honest indices of interest. In a world in
which fake enthusiasms are rife, in which it is often hard to tell whether
people really like us or whether they are being kind to us merely out of a
sense of duty, the wet vagina and the stiff penis function as unambiguous
agents of sincerity .” Insightful, indeed!

Most women prefer to keep quiet about the truth and fake fulfilment. The
reasons could be: (1) Lack of awareness that she too is capable of getting an
orgasm. Believe me, I was once upon a time a living example of this. I was
unaware for the most part of my twenties about the orgasm! I always used to
wonder, after every session of intercourse, what that big deal about sex was.
I wondered what people got out of this ‘mundane’ procedure.

I often thought that a woman’s body was perhaps just meant for reproduction,
while the man’s body was made for enjoyment and this was the reason why
men were after sex more than women. (2) Talking about sex has always been
prohibited in our society. Thus, there exists an inhibition to talk about it. (3)
Being too emotional in nature, the woman does not want to let the man know
the truth, lest his ego gets hurt. Believe me, most men are egoistic about this,
as most of them live under the illusion that they are the masters of ‘handling’
women in bed!
 CHAPTER 7

Repercussions of Treating Sex as a

Taboo or a Dirty Word

Obsession
It is the basic psychology of the human mind to be obsessed with something
that it is not able to get or know. The curious mind will never keep quiet until
it learns what has been withheld from it. If the mind does not learn this and
the body is not nurtured with the requisite needs, the mind becomes obsessed.
When a child is still in the stage of having liquids or soft food, it often tries
to grab what the adults are eating in front of it. We as adults know the food is
not good for the child and it cannot digest it. So, we explain to the child that
the food is very spicy and try to make it understand through some animated
actions. This is much more difficult than talking to adolescents about sex.

So, if talking about sex to teenagers is easier than convincing a small child,
then why don’t we engage in the easier act? Why do adults refrain from
talking to teenagers about the biological changes happening in their bodies
and the implications on their social, physical and psychological wellbeing?
In fact, there is nothing wrong in even getting them a good book on this so that
they understand the changes they go through. But how many parents do this?
We keep saying sex is bad, we keep suppressing the facts, we keep looking at
sex as though it is a crime and talking about it is dirty. The more we suppress
the facts, the more obsessed teenagers are going to get. With technological
advancements, teenagers have all the access to information. The problem is
they tend to land on the wrong information. They just find out that sex is a
pleasurable act. They don’t learn anything else. So, every girl a boy comes
across becomes an object of sex in his mind. Every girl tries to attract the
boy with her physical features. This is where the problem starts. When two
people of the opposite sex (yes, it could be people of the same sex too) get
attracted to each other physically or get into an exploratory mode, they
misunderstand their feelings as ‘love.’

This is one of the most common repercussions of suppression of knowledge

on sex. How long will this attraction towards each other last? Most
relationships break after a point in time, sometimes after creating great
physical or emotional damage. Unfortunately, if the man and woman go
through with the relationship and get into wedlock, they go through a loveless
marriage. I would like to repeat here that whatever I say need not hold good
for everyone, but I think it holds good for a majority of people.

Whether people indulge in sex or not, sex has taken a predominant place in
the mind.

Extremity of love should lead to sex. Love should happen first, and then it
should result in sex. However, in our society, sex happens first. Even our
marriage system seems to advocate this. In arranged marriages, the sex
happens before love. Sometimes, love may not happen at all. And in the so-
called love marriages, physical attraction is presumed to be love. By
suppressing the knowledge on sex, we have demeaned the meaning of love.

The Approach
Because of the belief that sex is connected only to the body, people often do
not connect with the mind and the heart of their partner, whenever they
indulge in sex. Sex becomes just a physical act that is done for the pleasure
of the body. How long will this relationship sustain itself on this flimsy
ground? Till we get attracted to another body? Till we get an opportunity to
have sex with someone else?

When the required connection does not happen, we are not bothered about the
pleasure that the partner should get. We do not respect the other person’s
possession—that is their body. We do not know how enjoyable sex can be for
both the mind and the body when the connection happens. Even if we are
bothered about the other person’s enjoyment, we do not know what makes the
other person happy. And on top of it all, we are in a state of urgency to
relieve ourselves of the built-up tension in our nerves.

Even people who understand the importance of foreplay do it more as a

mechanical process, thinking it would arouse a woman. They don’t
understand that foreplay is an act that should bring out his love, passion and
respect for the person whose body he/ she is dealing with. When we are in a
sad mood or are mourning, someone holding our hand or putting their hands
across our shoulders gives us warmth and strength, more than what 100
words of compassion can achieve. Words are mere words, whereas the touch
of a person can clearly transmit energy. People should know that everything
cannot be faked. There are some truths that can never be hidden.

How long can a weak relationship survive? What does your partner look
forward to when he or she sees you again and has sex with you again? When
there is no connection, what can one expect? One can only expect the worst
result from a bad approach. When we have not made any efforts to bring in
the fire in the first place, how can we expect to keep the fire on?
We crave for something, but we do not attain fulfilment in it. So naturally, we
get obsessed with it. When we are obsessed, where do we find fulfilment?
Even after marriage and having sex every day, we still crave for more,
perhaps from someone else, with the hope that our needs will be fulfilled.
But most of us are conditioned by social norms, and we choose to live with
what we have. We are resigned to the fact that we are married to someone,
and this is what we will get from him or her. After some time, we lose
interest in sex and try to stay away from it as far as possible, feigning
headache and what not! Internally we starve, but outwardly we behave as if
sex is not required at all.

Some bold people (though others may call them weak) try to get satisfaction
elsewhere. But there is no certainty that the newly found relationship will be
satisfactory. If the new relationship is not satisfactory, people then carry the
burden of guilt and the weight of another loveless relationship. The lucky
ones may find joy in the new relationship, but they are constantly in the fear
of being caught.

Let me not unfairly assume that everyone is entering into an extramarital

affair for sex. It is quite possible for people to fall in love outside their
marriage. Let me deal with this later.

Needless to say, obsession in the long term causes perversion.

Manifestation of Perversion
(Here I am not talking about serious crimes like rape, gang rape, child rape
and murder, which are rampant in our sick world.)

1. I am sure many of you would have noticed that some men do not look
into the eyes while talking to a woman. Their eyes are always fixed on
the woman’s breasts. I do not know if they realise that this causes a lot
of embarrassment for the woman and hinders her normal conversation.
 Every time they are forced to talk or interact with this particular man,
it causes a huge problem to the woman. These men may not mean any
harm, but they still lose their credibility as decent men who respect
women.
2. Whenever a woman is raped or becomes a victim of molestation, some
people (both men and women) tend to blame the woman for dressing
‘provocatively’ or being out late in the night. There are some men who
actually try to rationalise the act of the rapist. This is a dangerous kind
of perversion and seems to suggest that they would have committed the
crime themselves if they had had the guts to do it. These kinds of
people perhaps rape women in their minds day in and day out.
3. There are perverted men who brush against a woman’s nipples with
their hands or their back with their protruding penis, using crowded
places as a cover, making the woman cringe. These people are so sex-
starved that they actually take a big risk of the woman shouting at them
in public.
4. Then there are sex-starved ‘uncles’ and ‘aunts’ who are afraid of
having an extramarital affair. They wait for an opportunity to grope the
private parts of any adolescent/ child they come in contact with.
5. There are people who peep into others’ privacy. They like to look at
nude people or see someone having sex.
6. There are some people who watch porn movies, not as a pastime but
as an addiction.
7. In a conservative society like ours, people who are sex-starved always
find convenient ways to exploit the innocence and vulnerability of
children and adolescents. They also take advantage of other’s lonely
situation to quench their thirst for sex.
8. Wet chats, not just between close people but also with anyone and
everyone, without even knowing whether the person at the other end is
a man or a woman, is another form of perversion.
 CHAPTER 8

Sex as an Expression of Love

T he main reason why physical attraction gets misunderstood as love

is because sex is often a manifestation of love. Sex is a result of
overflowing love, it is the peak expression of love. For example, a woman
loves her child from the day it is conceived in her womb. Sometimes, she
showers her love on her child delicately and sometimes with full force of
energy in the form of hugs and kisses. This delicate or forceful energy comes
from the intensity with which the love flows. Sex is also an outcome of
overflowing love from the heart and the intensity manifests itself in the way
we act during a particular time. When the intensity keeps growing (this is
quite natural because of the basic fact that we are biologically connected), it
ends in sex. This is why sex is called ‘love making’ and not ‘lust making.’
Love transforms itself into physical intimacy and that is why is it is ‘love in
the making.’

Allen de Botton very clearly says the need for sex arises more out of an
emotional/psychological need rather than the arousal of our bodies.

Once we cross childhood, we lose the closeness of people around us. We

miss the comfort of our parents’ hands and their warm touch. We also lose
the openness of our nudity and start covering the parts of our body. A secrecy
sets into our mind. We are taught to behave, and we are not what we seem
from the outside.

“But deep inside, we never quite forget the needs with which we were born:
to be accepted as we are, without regard to our deeds; to be loved through
the medium of our body; to be enclosed in another’s arms; to occasion
delight with the smell of our skin – all of these needs inspiring our
relentless and passionately idealistic quest for someone to kiss and sleep
with, ” says Allen de Botton.

However, we are taught differently. We beg for sex, though we clothe our
words with love. The intention is sex, but the medium used is love.

It is a tragedy that we all have to learn that sex is an expression of love

(some of us do not realise this till the end our lives!). After so many years of
existing in this universe, we still have to be taught that sex is a manifestation
of love.

When a child is born, it becomes one with the universe. It is naturally

blessed with a lot of energy, love and warmth to spread around it. We all
think the child needs love from us. Contrary to this belief, the child only
needs care from us. The child comes into this world as a personification of
love, nothing else could have been the intention of the Almighty whether we
call him ‘god’ or ‘nature.’ A personification of love need not be taught to
love. However, over the ages, as we grow up, we become corrupted, and we
need to be taught about love and reminded to love. A tree need not be taught
how to spread its shade. Do we teach a fish how to swim? So, why should
man be taught to love?

We all know how temple elephants are tamed? When they are young, one of
their legs is chained to a pillar. Whenever the elephant tries to move, the
chain pulls it back, and the elephant keeps failing in its attempt to move. By
the time the elephant becomes big and strong enough to pull off the chain and
walk free, it stops making any effort to move, as it has been ingrained from
childhood that it cannot move. This is what we have done to our children too.

Small children, especially infants, smile at others spontaneously, even if the

child is not known to them. But do adults smile instantly when they meet
strangers? No. This is because the child is full of love and warmth and it
spreads the love and warmth effortlessly to everyone and everything around
it. It is the power of love in the child that attracts others involuntarily.

It stays like this for some time, till the child starts learning things from its
surroundings. Then it slowly gets rid of its love and warmth and transforms
into a creature that craves for love rather than being someone who spreads
love.

We all admire the kid that throws a bright smile at us, but when the same
bright smile comes from an adult, we label him or her as ‘insane.’ Insanity
actually sets in when we forget to smile at a stranger, when we forget that
love is the common thread that keeps the world going.

Why are we talking about the child and the adult here, that too on a subject
like sex? Yes, I do understand that this appears like a digression from the
main subject, but actually, it is not. Our childhood and the way we observe
and learn things decide how we look at sex and love when we become an
adult. This isn’t just a strong connection, in fact, it is the root.

In the process of growing up, we have lost some sense, here and there. When
a child is born, it brings freshness, joy, energy and, most importantly, love to
the whole family. We enjoy the moments of our children as if they are our
own achievements, instead of being thankful for the wealth and happiness
they bring in. Living under the illusion that bringing a child into the world is
a big achievement, we boast to the world that we have become mothers and
fathers. We fail to realise that it is a moment to be thankful, for the child has
brought in so much happiness into our tiny world called ‘family.’ But we
want to scale the heights of achievement by grooming them into ‘good’ kids.

Who is a good kid in the eyes of the people at home and in the world? A kid
that loves its parents and siblings, a kid that respects its elders, a kid that
listens to elders, a kid that is obedient and gets a good name among the
neighbours and friends? This is how we define a good kid. What are we
doing? Have we ever sat for a moment and thought about this?

Who are we to teach the kid to love others, when it has come to the world as
an embodiment of love? Who are we to teach children to respect others when
they are so full of joy, energy, self-respect and self-pride? Look at the
coconut tree, the palm tree or any other tree for that matter. See how proud
they look! Observe how well the plants and trees take care of their
environment? Did any of us teach them anything? Have we seen any animal
demanding love and respect from its off-springs? They only feed them and
protect them from intruders till they grow up.

Only we human beings, with our sixth sense, seem to have lost our senses
beyond redemption. Who are we to teach others about love and respect? Do
any of us know why we are teaching all these things to our kids? We lost the
love and respect we had for ourselves when we came out of our innocence,
thanks to our parents! And we are doing it to our children.

The child is an embodiment of love. But adults colour its thoughts with a
materialistic view of love. Thus, the child’s natural wealth of love and
respect starts depleting unconsciously. The child then gets ready to use love
and respect for others as a shield to combat in the field of life. Who wins and
who loses here? What is the result? The child becomes a puppet in the
world. Yes, once children lose their brains and hearts, who are they? They
are mere puppets.
Unfortunately, children are treated like mere puppets in the hands of the
people who bring them up by giving food, shelter and clothing, as they are the
basic necessities of life. In exchange for what parents give their children,
they take away their children’s self-love and demand respect from them. It is
a kind of trade-off. I would be a hypocrite if I fail to acknowledge that I am
as guilty of this as the others.

Self-love and self-respect are the most basic virtues of a human being. Self-
love brings self-respect effortlessly along with it. It is a tragedy (in fact,
tragedy is an understatement) that we have all been taught to love and respect
others by completely washing away love and respect for ourselves. This is
the reason we look for love and respect from others. In fact, we are begging
for love and respect. We also force others to love and respect us.

Some people may not want to get this deep and look at a child as a
personification of love (as they may brush it aside as a philosophical view).
So, let us look at it differently. How many of us as parents, teachers, friends
and neighbours teach a child to love and respect itself? It is not just sex that
is a taboo in our society. Even self-love and self-respect are a big no-no.
‘Self-love’ has been assumed to mean ‘selfishness,’ and ‘self-respect’ has
been equated with ‘ego.’ These are definitely different things, but how many
of us realise this?

How can a person whose wealth has been looted completely be expected to
do charity to others? There has to be some logic in what we expect, right?
My love and respect for the self vanish when I am forced to do things that
show how obedient I am. Every soul is as free as the air around it. But when
we try to squeeze it into a shape or pattern, the soul loses itself. This is
precisely the reason why some people go in search of the self at a later stage
in life, when they discover the futility of living. But how can we search for
ourselves in such a large universe? How can we find something we lost
when were innocent children?
Only a loveless heart becomes a self-centred heart. We know we do not have
love in our hearts. So, we think the other person too does not have it. Under
these circumstances, there arises a need to safeguard one’s interests. So, we
become self-centred. When I do not respect myself, I assume the other person
too does not respect me. So, in order to show the other person that I have to
be respected, I become egoistic. This is only an illusion caused by the lack of
self-love and self-respect.

As parents, teachers and elders, we need to live a life of love and respect.
Children observe this intuitively and naturally love and respect others. Love
and respect need not be taught to them in so many words. If children see their
parents loving and respecting each other, they will obviously love every man
and woman they come across. We know that actions speak louder than words.
I would say action is enough, the rest will fall in place automatically.

Love and respect can never be taught and need not be taught. Just as a rose
brings along with it fragrance when it blooms, every child brings with it love
when it is born.

If a man or woman is brought up in an environment where love and respect

are naturalbehaviour of people, he or she sees sex as an expression of love.
Such a person gives importance to love. And when he or she is deeply in
love with someone, his or her feelings naturally culminate in physical
intimacy. But when the other person does not want to get physical, the heart,
which is full of love and respect for itself, will not demean itself to the extent
of forcing its desires upon others. Such a heart can only make love, it cannot
demand sex, because true love transcends beyond sex.

The heart that is in love looks at life as a beautiful and enjoyable experience.
The heart that is in love respects his or her partner. It sees sex as a natural
flow of energy. This heart knows that sex is not a sin but is as beautiful as
love itself. So, when two people are full of love for each other and give each
other a pleasure that is beyond description, the act of sex becomes a virtue
and is never a sin.
 CHAPTER 9

Extramarital Affairs

W hen sex is not seen in the right perspective in the first place,
how can extramarital affairs be tolerated?

Let us look at first things first. Human beings by nature are not monogamous.
The restriction of sex between a man and a woman was brought in to bring
discipline in our social lives.

When we say that human beings are not monogamous, there is no reason to
wonder why people have extramarital affairs. However, we do not have the
understanding or empathy to comprehend the reasons why a person has an
extramarital affair. We have been conditioned to think that one person can
love and have sex with only one person. If his or her number goes beyond
one, that person is treated as a criminal.

Most of us look at things as just black or white and turn a blind eye to the
possibility of grey areas. But the truth is extramarital affairs have been in
existence since the time the institution of marriage came into force. What
once was the privilege of the men alone has now spread its wings and caught
up with the women too. Just because we want to believe that our society is
conservative, it does not mean that men and women do not indulge in
extramarital affairs. We may try to live in denial, but the truth is these affairs
exist. We are just not open about them.

Let us try to understand the reasons why people get into extramarital affairs.

1. A loveless marriage
2. An unsatisfactory sexual relationship
3. Tendency of the man or woman to explore
4. A genuine love/attraction springing between two people who are not
married to each other
5. Monotony
Let us deal with this case by case.

A loveless marriage
All of us agree that love cannot be forced on anyone. Love is a spontaneous
feeling that arises on its own. There could be several hundred reasons for
love to spring, but force is never the reason. But we expect a woman to love
her husband and a man to love his wife as soon as they get married. What if
love does not happen between them or the love is not sustainable?

We tend to forget that nothing is permanent in this world. We are here today,
but we do not know where we will be tomorrow. We are also not sure
whether we will be in this world at all! It is a widely accepted concept that
change is the only constant thing in this world. Love too is prone to changes.

Hats off to the people who are in love with a person till the end of their
lives! This could be because of the conditioning of the mind, which
unconsciously believes that one person can truly and genuinely love another
person forever. I dare not say that this is not possible. However, it is also a
fact that, sometimes (in fact, most of the times, but many people will not
accept this, at least not outwardly!), due to reasons unknown, love vanishes
from a relationship. Even if love does not vanish completely, the sex appeal
diminishes due to various pressures—health conditions, monotony and in
some cases doubts on the fidelity of the partner.

Marriage is an oath taken by two people to love each other till the end. This
in itself is an irony. The oath itself is meaningless because no one can be
forced to love another person. Love does not conform to social norms. It
takes its own time and course. Keeping two bodies tied in a knot without
love in their hearts will lead to a vegetative existence of both the bodies.
One of the persons may try to pull the knot too hard and may fume within
when the knot does not come undone. This can give rise to hatred or
indifference. In some cases, a loveless relationship merely exists due to
tolerance and compromise, qualities we boast of, without realising that the
presence of too much of these qualities can make our lives miserable.

Philosophically speaking, if you are in love, you must not expect anything in
return. Love is a natural flow and it is not fair to expect this flow in return.
However, for practical purposes, we have all learnt a different kind of love.
This love arises out of our needs. Whoever fills this need unconsciously
becomes an object of our love.

We as human beings not just need to be loved, we also have the need to love
someone. The need for love can be in any shape or form, it can be tangible or
intangible. It is not just a material or social need. We may feel light spending
time with a particular person. We may like something in the other person. Or
the other person may make us feel good about ourselves. This leads us to
think that we love that person because we derive a kind of happiness or
completeness when we are with this person. We call this ‘love.’

Naturally, when someone is unable to continue giving happiness or

satisfaction to us, he/she slowly or suddenly ceases to be the object of our
love.

Also, love is expressed more through touch rather than the words we speak.
When this need is not taken care of properly, there is every chance that the
love may start diminishing. (Here, let us not forget that marriage is an
institution formed for the convenience of people and one must keep working
on it for marriage to be successful).

How many people even realise that when there is a deep union of two minds,
even a tight hug or a brushing kiss can be sexually more satisfying than
intercourse itself? If two minds are not in union, nothing can give any
pleasure to anyone.

A loveless marriage can lead to people searching for love outside marriage.
This is only a natural course of action, but will society accept this as natural?
No way!

If you can’t make your marriage work, get out of it. Live your life and let the
other person also live. Don’t use children as an excuse to stay in the
marriage. Don’t say the child needs both parents. You are setting a bad
example of what a marriage and a family should be to your children.
Children living with a harmonious couple is the best thing that can happen for
them. But it is better for them to live with one caring and loving parent rather
than living with two parents who are being hypocrites and teaching hypocrisy
as the way of life to their kids.

An unsatisfactory sexual relationship

Let us accept the fact that the basis for marriage is companionship and this
includes sharing the pleasures of the body as well. While I strongly believe
that love should lead to sex, I also strongly believe that when sex is not a
mutual enjoyment, indifference sets in slowly, in spite of two people being in
love with each other. This is because sex is one of the basic needs of people.
Physical closeness helps retain emotional closeness to a large extent.

A man can be loving, understanding and genuinely nice, but what if he turns
out to be a disaster in bed? Similarly, a woman can be caring and loving, but
what happens if she refuses to give him company in bed? There is something
wrong here. Either from the husband or the wife or from both of them.

How many of us sit and discuss what we like and do not like while having
sex? While we do not have inhibitions while having sex, we have been
brought up not to discuss it openly. This inhibition exists even between a
husband and wife, who are supposed to share a close relationship. While a
woman may not like to do something in bed, she may be doing it just to
please her husband, as that is what he wants. The husband may not even be
aware that his wife is doing it just to keep him happy, though she hates it
more and more, by the day.

There are some women who are told not to exhibit a craving for sex. She
pretends to be a passive partner, while her husband enjoys more and more
from her and expects her to participate more actively in the act. But her well-
trained brain may refuse to participate. After a while, the man starts losing
interest in her and starts starving himself. Open, heart-to-heart discussions on
these matters can help. However, in most cases, our minds tell us not to do
so.

A major problem for many women in an unsatisfactory sexual relationship is

the fact that she starts getting fully aroused only when the man ejaculates. By
the time she is full of energy, the man has spent all his force. So, he
withdraws himself and even goes to sleep. The poor woman is left wanting.
Left to herself, she would have probably enjoyed a peaceful sleep at least.
After arousing her completely, just when she is ready to satisfy her craving,
the man leaves her in the lurch, without even a warm hug. Think of the
woman’s plight in this situation. See how loathsome it could get for a woman
with a man like this. I am sure that, from my own experiences and from the
experiences of the women I have talked to, this is the case with most of the
partners.

Being a woman, I was shocked to learn that the reverse also happens. When I
was talking about this book to one of my male friends, he confided this to me
in private. His wife did not give in to any of his advances to have sex. She
would act as though sex was a detestable act and make him feel bad.
However, once in a while, the woman made an advance and made him do
things for her. And once she achieved her orgasm, she would just walk out of
bed.

All along I had been under the assumption that such things happened only to a
woman and the man always got his way, without bothering about the woman’s
need. So, when I heard the reverse from my friend, I felt bad for my
ignorance and blatant assumption. When I shared this ‘revelation’ to another
man, he too confided that he had been living like this for many years. He said
that every time his wife came near him, he nursed a hope that his physical
needs would be taken care of. But it always ended badly.

Of course, one of these two men is no longer in the marriage. The other man
has children, and so he continues to be married. He says he has no other
choice, other than looking at other women to appease his physical needs.

Can things get worse than this?

A person who respects social norms will withstand this hypocrisy for a few
years. But later on, he or she will start feigning health problems in order to
avoid his or her spouse in the bed.

Though solutions and remedies can be reached within the marriage, they are
normally sought outside. This is of course because of the suppression of
knowledge on sex and the taboo attached to sex that keeps couples from
discussing their issues.

He or she who values his or her needs may try to get it elsewhere. Again, he
or she may or may not be fortunate to get a person who cares for his or her
physical enjoyment. If he or she is not lucky enough, it could spell disaster
again.

I once had a conversation with a man who had been married for more than
five years. This conversation made me understand that even if a husband is
genuinely concerned about his wife’s enjoyment, she does not want to talk
about it openly. He said, “Every time I ask her whether what I am doing is to
her liking or not and if she would like me to do to something else that would
make her happy, she says there is nothing that she looks for and she is
enjoying my actions. Sometimes, I feel she is happy. But, most of the times, I
get the feeling that she is just tolerating me. In the end, she says she enjoyed
the act. Even after all these years, I am yet not sure of what she likes and
does not like. If she really enjoys what I am doing, then why does she say
‘no’ to my advances most of the times?”

I told him, “Make her talk. Make her understand that her enjoyment matters to
you. Make her realise that he too cannot enjoy sex completely with doubts in
his mind.”

After all, they are married to each other and are bound to spend the rest of
their lives with each other. When everything else is fine between them, why
should sex create a problem between them? While the man realises it could
create a rift between them, the woman does not seem to think so. Such is her
upbringing.

Tendency of the man or woman to explore

People are different. Just because someone has laid some rules and many
people follow them, it does not make everyone the same. Right? Everyone is
unique. Many people may be obedient in mind and action. Some people may
be obedient in action, though not in their mind. And there are people who
wish to live their one life completely, by following their mind with their
actions.

There are people who live in their place of birth forever. Some live in a city
for the most part of their work life. And some people live life to the fullest in
that place. There are also adventurous people who like to visit new places,
have new experiences, live in different weather conditions, meet people of
different cultures, explore different cuisines, etc. Similarly, there are people
who like to explore different kinds of relationships too. There are men and
women who want to discover many kinds of sexual joy with different people.
They could be married or single. Their marital status does not define them.
Their actions do.

Whoever said that a married man cannot get attracted to women other than his
wife and a married woman does not feel attraction outside her marriage? Our
social conditioning has made our minds think so. It is not the fault of the
people who follow their hearts. At least, they are not being hypocrites. Are
you shocked by this? Surprised?

Well, let us analyse this. Can marriage guarantee a spouse’s love forever?
Love is from the heart and not from the brain. The institution of marriage was
conceived thousands of years ago by a super brain to discipline people’s
lives. How can a feeling like love, which is a spontaneous flow from the
heart, be restrained into this institution? A physical body can be restrained,
but can a mind or a heart be restrained?

We are not just offspring-producing machines. We are naturally attracted to

people belonging to the opposite sex, though not to everyone. We are
attracted to people whom we perceive as good-looking or good-hearted. We
vibe well with those who have the same mental frequency as us. Attraction
has many more reasons, in fact.

Attraction towards another person creates an emotion in our hearts. I strongly

believe that 99 per cent of people have experienced this attraction and
emotion towards at least one person in their life other than their spouse.

There are people who think this is not right as they have a wife or a
girlfriend and they should not cheat on them. So, they try to banish such
emotions from their hearts. And there are some others who live with the
emotion, but they do not act upon them, again for the same reasons as cited
earlier. And there are others who are afraid of being caught, afraid of
rejection and afraid of losing things in their life. So, they do not act on their
feelings.

And there are people who are adventurous by nature and want to explore
everything in life. They plunge into it and take calculated risks. Some are
smart enough to get into a new relationship without getting into any problems.
However, this is not for everyone. Depending on the circumstances, we have
to understand if the person is worth taking a risk for. Just like in business
plans, we should always think of the worst. We must go ahead only if we are
bold enough to face the worst.

If a person wants to explore sex, he/she perhaps finds it easier to do so with

a stranger whom they would probably not meet again. He or she feels shy
opening up to one’s own spouse for the fear of being looked down upon as an
eccentric or weird person.

I am not advocating that everyone should explore love outside marriage. I am

only saying there are different perspectives in life and different ways of
looking at things. Just because a person is adventurous, he cannot be termed a
‘bad’ person. As long as he fulfills his responsibilities towards his people at
home, is still genuinely taking care of others’ needs and does whatever he
can to keep his people happy, without sacrificing his happiness, I do not see
what the problem is.

A genuine love springing between two people who are not

married to each other
A loving heart will keep falling in love throughout its life. There is no one
love for such a heart. But haven’t you heard many dialogues in the contrary in
the movies? The hero says to his lady love, “I have only one heart and only
you can occupy it. There is no place for anyone else in it.” I pity this person!
He has such a small heart that he cannot accommodate more than one person
inside it. And he claims he has love for her in that small heart! I naturally
come to the conclusion that his love is also small. How can a small heart,
which can hold only one person, ever hold love in a large quantity?
Impossible, is it not?

Love keeps happening. Love keeps blooming. A person can love as many
people as his or her heart can hold. A person can fall in love as many times
as the opportunities arise, with as many people he comes across.

If someone is trying to build a wall around his heart, so that no one else
besides you can come inside, please remember that you are arrested within
his heart. (The vice versa also holds true.) After a point of time, the man’s
love for you will die for want of breath. Is this what you want?

Our ancestors have devised a way to discipline us by propagating monogamy

in marriage. Marriage is an institution that has its own value. It gives you lot
of convenience. You create a family, you take care of your people, and they
take care of you in return. The man gives his wife what she wants, and she
gives him what he wants. Your parents give you what you want when you are
growing, and you give them what they want when they are ageing. This is for
convenience. So, love is not always the basis of marriage. Convenience is
the primary basis of marriage.

We may have one or two kids. We love them with all our heart. But don’t our
hearts reach out to the children of our relatives and friends too? Many
children get attached to me the way they are attached to their mothers. This is
love. Love is spontaneous. Its nature is not to get bound by legal bondages.
Law or social norms cannot force someone to love another person. Norms
can only enforce certain physical or financial duties and obligations.

When we get married, we take up the responsibility of caring for our spouses
and family. We respect our family and support them, financially and
physically. But love happens on its own. It may or may not happen in a
marriage. Even if it happens, there is every chance that either of the couple
may meet someone they like and fall in love with them.

I had a colleague in one of the companies I worked for. I had met his wife on
a few occasions. And I saw her love for her husband in her eyes. That is
something rare to see. I have seen that in very few people, and that too before
they got married. But this colleague and his wife had been married for almost
twenty years. I could still see the love glowing in their eyes whenever they
looked at each other. It was as though their courting period had never ended!

One day, I had the opportunity to talk to my colleague alone. I told him what I
saw in his eyes and his wife’s eyes. I also told him that I was really happy
for him. I am an open person, and people generally talk to me about their
personal matters without any inhibition. When he told me proudly that he was
the reason for her everlasting love for him, I responded with a typical reply,
“Yeah of course! It also has to depend on you, naturally.” However, I was
surprised at what he said next. “She has an affair with one of her far relatives
who lives in the West. Once in a while, she visits him and spends time with
him, and I take care of the kids when she is away.” I said, “Wow! Then I
should look up to you more than her. But normally men do not accept all this.
How are you so cool about it?” His response is what I really want to share
here.

“Look, she loves me, and she has always loved me. She takes great care of
my mom who is old, my kids and me. She has all that a man can look for in a
woman. But I know she also loves him a lot. I have also seen that her love
for him has not diminished her love for me in any way. Meeting him once in a
while and spending time with him gives her happiness. That happiness
spreads automatically when she is at home. Because I do not talk about it and
embarrass her, she loves me more every day. You may say that guilt makes
her love me more each day. She may take more care of me because of guilt,
but guilt cannot result in love.

And you say that you see her love for me in her eyes. Is that not sufficient for
me to live a happy life with her? We have two kids, and both of us are able to
shower a lot of love on them. Love cannot be measured. Her responsibilities
towards me as a wife is more than the responsibilities she has for this other
person, because we have created a family together and we support each other
to keep the family intact. But love need not be and cannot be measured. That
is the way I look at it. She has the freedom to do what she wants, and she has
the heart to love me as well as him. I do not see anything wrong in this.”

“But will this not make you think that you can also be with anyone you want,
because she has her own way? Will she be okay if you do the same thing?” I
asked him.

“First of all, I do not have anyone so close, like she has him. But there is no
need for me to scout for someone just because she has someone else. Then
love is not what I have understood it to be. Two, we have a great time
whenever we are together. We do not discuss this. Whether she has him or
not does not have anything to do with what I am doing. Let me see if I fall in
love with someone, someday. But I am not sure that would happen. And even
if that happens, I do not know whether I would tell her or not. Nothing
matters as long as we are happy together and are happy in our individual
lives, as long as we are responsible to each other and to the rest of the family
members.”

I felt I learnt a lot from this discussion. This gave me a clear understanding of
love. If everyone can think like him, families will be a much better place to
live in. How beautiful life would be for people with clear understanding and
loving hearts?

But what do we hear day in and day out? What do we read in the
newspapers? Cheated husband strangles wife. Cheated wife burns
husband’s lover.

Where is love here? There is only sex. It is only the body that seems to
bother everyone. It is not the emotion, itis not love, it is not the responsibility
one shoulders for the family, it is only the body that gets all the importance.
Everyone wants the body to be pure and untouched by anyone else.

Who cares if the woman is a pain in the neck or the man is a drunkard and
beats up his wife and children every day? As long as one does not have sex
with another person, he is the perfect person. He is Ram’s avatar . However,
even Ram seemed to have a problem with his wife’s chastity with regard to
her body.

Monotony
Even among couples who have loving, healthy and enjoyable sex, there is a
big chance of monotony setting in after a few years of being together. The
same touch and the same response feel monotonous, resulting in a
lackadaisical attitude towards each other, though many people may not accept
this openly. The excitement quotient vanishes gradually.
Just think of this situation. In the beginning of a marriage or courtship,
everything about the other person intrigues us. We want to know more about
the person, we want to see more of him or her. We are curious about the way
the other person speaks, thinks, dresses and undresses. Everything is new to
us. So, every minute of our time with the other person becomes interesting
and enjoyable.

Consciously or unconsciously, we take a lot of efforts to impress the other

person with an outward show of affection, appreciation, gifts and surprises.
But all this diminishes in the course of time, making us take each other for
granted.

After a few years, we become so used to each other that nothing is new to us.
We know how the other person would respond in any situation. We have seen
and felt each other’s body. Every part of it. There is nothing new to look
forward to. Unconsciously, we start losing interest in the other person.

The arrival of children too adds to this lack of interest. We have more
responsibilities to shoulder. Our life becomes so serious all the time, with
more and more work to do, inside and outside the house. As the children
grow older, our concerns for their lives start growing.

We need a lot of enthusiasm, lightheartedness and a certain kind of wild

indiscipline to have enjoyable sex. But when we are shuttling between our
various duties and responsibilities, a serious life pattern sets in. Sportive sex
becomes an unachievable goal.

Naturally, when we meet someone new and find something in them that fits
our interests, we tend to get attracted to them.

Besides these there could be one-time meetings where there could be a

sudden mutual attraction that may lead to sex between them if the situation is
favourable. These just stay as memories like good times shared but no further
steps would be taken to meet again!

Summing up
Whoever finds pleasure outside for whatever reason, he or she should
always remember to manage things at home properly. After all, family is their
responsibility. One has no right to hurt family or deprive them of our time or
love. The basic rule should be this: I need my happiness, and I am finding it
outside, but my people at home also need happiness, so, I must keep them
happy.

What do we do when we are stressed out in our workplace or we are not

happy with something? What do we do when we find ourselves with low
energy levels? Generally, most of us take it out on the people around us,
those who are close to us. Though the reason for our depression is something
or someone else, the impact of it is on our close people. I am sure most of us
would have experienced this phase at least temporarily. Then we would have
regretted our behaviour later.

For example, let us assume that I have not have been able to complete some
work in office to my superior’s satisfaction or even my own satisfaction.
Then I walk out of office in a frustrated state of mind. I come home, and my
kids jump on me with a lot of energy and love, as they are seeing me after
many hours of separation. Instead of feeling good about it and reciprocating
their enthusiasm, I feel irritated. At that particular moment, because of my
state of being, I see the kids as a nuisance and tell them curtly to leave me
alone and play somewhere else. This state of being can last for one or two
days, or it can be a prolonged one if we do not like our work and are forced
to work for the sake of money, without which we cannot take care of the
family, and if not for the money, we would have quit a long time ago.
What do we learn from the above incident? Most of us have not learnt to live
in the present. So, what happened today in office and what will happen
tomorrow is what concerns us. The future seems so pathetic that we fail to
live in the current moment.

Many of us may be in this kind of a situation. Taking up the responsibility of

the family is our choice. The way we live is our own choice. The work we
do is also our choice. But at times, everything seems to be a burden or a
depressing factor for us. So, our happiness, which is the ultimate aim of our
life, is not attained. We then start seeing our loved ones, who are dependent
on our earnings, as unnecessary burdens in our lives. When we start thinking
like this, can we ever give them happiness and care? When we do not find
happiness in ourselves, when we do not find love for our own self, is it
possible for us to give love and care to the people around us?

Yes, some of us do think of the plight of the people around us and act as
though we are not affected by anything. We continue to strive to keep our
loved ones happy and we continue to shower love on them. However, can
this be a permanent phenomenon? At some point or the other, we will be
forced to vent out our frustration on someone else. Or we let the frustration
build inside us, and we start becoming indifferent to our surroundings. We
are neither happy nor do we spread happiness around us.

Money and work are not the only things in life that make one happy or
unhappy. There are several other things in life, small or big, that determine
one’s happiness. Love is one such important factor. Time is another.

We are all conditioned to think that love happens only once, especially when
it concerns falling in love with a person of the opposite sex. What I do not
understand here this: love is just love, so how can there be varieties of love?
Just because we tend to get physically intimate with the opposite sex, do we
believe this kind of love is different from love in general? In order to bring
in discipline in life, we have been conditioned to think that love can happen
only once and only with one person. If change is the only constant in life, why
can’t we accept the fact that a person with a loving heart can keep falling in
love with many people, over and over again?

What if a person finds some attractive quality in a person who is not one’s
spouse? What if the other person also finds something attractive in him/her?
This is quite natural. Let us go beyond our conditioning and think about it.
These things happen to almost everyone. Only a few of us will live naturally,
going beyond social conditioning. To understand and accept this, one has to
understand the concept of marriage and family in a more practical sense.
 CHAPTER 10

Going Beyond Trust

I have seen people who doubt their spouses, and I have also heard
people say “I trust him/her completely.” While the former appears
‘bad’ and the latter sounds ‘good,’ I would say nothing is ideal in life. In a
relationship, people should go beyond trust. I really mean this.

When someone has doubts about his or her partner, the love in the
relationship ends. The husband and wife continue to be in the relationship
only for the sake of society and other compulsions and conveniences.

When I trust someone, I believe that he or she will not do something to break
that trust. In saying so, I reveal an underlying distrust. What I am saying is he
may do it, there are chances that he will do it, but he will not do it. So, some
kind of an analysis is going on inside my mind. Let us suppose that one fine
day someone reliable says that he or she saw my spouse doing something
unworthy of my trust. Unconsciously, I start analysing if he could have really
done this. Then I come to a conclusion that, given the circumstances, he could
have or could not have done something to breach my trust. This is not a good
basis for a relationship. The relationship will not be strong enough to sustain
over a long period of time.
To sustain a relationship, one has to go beyond trust. When a husband tells
his wife that he would be late as he has a meeting in office, the matter ends
right there. The wife must accept this at face value. That is all that matters.
Let us assume that someone is sitting next to the wife when her husband calls
to tell her that he would be late. This person asks the woman if her husband
indeed has work in office or is going out with someone else.

A suspicious wife would say, “Who knows? He is capable of it.” In this

case, we realise that the wife has always looked at her husband with
suspicious eyes. Where does the love for him go in such cases?

But the trusting person would say, “Not at all, he is not that kind of a person,
I know him.” In this case, the wife thinks her husband would not do anything
to hurt her and she has faith in him. Underneath this faith, there is always an
iota of distrust because a person can change any time. A trustworthy person
can become untrustworthy when presented with circumstances and
opportunities. This is actually more dangerous than the previous case.
Because in the former instance, the wife can handle the truth when it comes
out, but in the latter case, the woman will suffer a heartbreak.

The person who goes beyond trust would say, “Why should I even think about
these things? He has told me that he would be late and that is all I need to
know. I need this information to decide whether I should cook for him or not,
or if I have to wait for him before I go out.” There ends the matter. The wife
is happy to go on with her life. She does not analyse anything. She does not
waste her time and energy on needless thoughts. She is the woman who loves
her man completely. People may say this is indifference. It is definitely not
that. Only if she is not bothered about his safety or health, can you call it
indifference. She has been assured that her husband is safe and will be eating
his dinner in office. This is love. This can only be love.
 CHAPTER 11

Friendship as the Basis

I recently read a quote by Ella Wheeler Wilcox. “All love that has not
friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand.”

Long ago, my friend told me this. “Friendship is like a mansion, and it has
room for everything.”

The former quote proves the point that friendship is above any relationship.
The latter poses this question: Why can we not look at any relationship born
out of love as friendship?

The beautiful thing about friendship is that we do not try to possess our
friend. We respect him or her as an individual and do not treat him or her like
our possession. But this is not how it is in a husband-wife relationship. My
friend has many friends, some known to me and some unknown to me, but I
am not bothered about this. Whenever I think of him or whenever I see him, I
know that I am his friend and he loves me, and I love him. He having ten or
hundred other friends does not make me think that he is no longer my friend
or that his love for me has vanished or reduced. I do not think that there is
something wrong in our relationship. I do not think that just because he has
found many friends, it means he is ditching me or he is going far away from
me. I don’t, even for a second, wonder if he has lost interest in me, if there is
something lacking in me, or our friendship is over.

When such thoughts do not arise in friendship, why do they emerge in the
relationship called marriage? Such thoughts have the ability to destroy the
relationship completely. But we still proclaim that the relationship is based
on love and friendship.

Friendship is a natural feeling. But all other relationships have rules and
regulations, which often get confused with our natural feelings.

Also, there are no demands in friendship. I call a friend and ask him if he is
free for a movie and he says “no” citing some reason. I do not even analyse
the reason. I simply say, “That’s okay, probably some other day. Let me know
when you are free and we will go.”

When you tell a friend that you do not have time to see him, he says, “You
have no time to see me today. Fine. It’s okay with me. We will meet some
other time.”

A friend says, “Oh, you want to see me today? Tell me when and where you
want me?” Or he says, “Oh, you are out of town and your father isn’t well?
Don’t worry, I will take him to the doctor and take care of him. And don’t
worry about the money, we will look into it when you are back.” A friend
also says, “I don’t agree with whatever you are doing, but I will still stand by
you.”

There is no feeling of being ditched, and the friend who turned down the
movie feels no guilt. Period. But all hell breaks loose if the same situation
happens between a husband and a wife. This is because we do not exercise
control over a friend.
A friend is a friend and nothing else. You can talk anything with a friend and
get away with it. A friend gives you a suggestion, but he (or she) does not
expect you to adhere to it. He argues with you, but doesn’t fight. He doesn’t
say, “I am ‘this’ to you and so you have to abide by my rules and
regulations.” He doesn’t assume authority over you.

My friend introduces me to his new friend. At first sight or after a few

meetings, I decide I do not like him. I tell my friend directly that I do not like
his new friend and he should not expect me to hang out with him. I will never
say, “I do not like him, so leave his friendship.”

Think of the same scenario between a man and a woman who are in a
relationship. Either the new relationship has to go or the old one will vanish!

It is important to nurture friendship in every relationship, not just in the

relationship between a husband and a wife. Imagine if there is friendship
between a father and his children and a mother and her children, and among
siblings and in-laws. Won’t our lives be simple?

Years may have rolled by without two friends talking to each other and
seeing each other. But does it have an effect on the friendship? Yes, it does.
The friendship would have grown stronger. Friendship doesn’t imprison you,
it frees you. It doesn’t force anything on you. It doesn’t even insist that you
have to be a friend always and doesn’t say that friends are exclusive to each
other and one cannot have other friends.

Whatever be the relationship, be it parent-child, teacher-student, husband-

wife, or the bond between siblings, let the foundation be friendship. If you
really love someone, allow them some space when they want it, cuddle them
when they want you near them. You don’t have to always stand with them.
You have to stand by them like a true friend, that is more important than
anything else.
Let friendship be the basis for every relationship and see what wonders it
does for your relationship.
 CHAPTER 12

Desperation

T here have been a few incidents that made me analyse the factors that
made people plunge into desperation.

Why is there desperation among people? Why do people keep pressurising

others to have sex with them when the other person is not interested? There is
nothing wrong in getting interested in someone. But when you get a ‘no’ for
an answer, should you not leave it at that and continue with friendship?

Sex always seems to be in the minds of people. This makes them desperate to
have sex at any point in time. Some people try to camouflage their
desperation for sex with the word ‘love.’ When some people say “I love
you,” you can take it from me that all they mean is “I want to have sex with
you.” The moment they realise that you are not willing to have sex with them,
you can rest assured that their ‘love’ for you will vanish. People who are
persistent may keep talking to you about their ‘love,’ in a desperate attempt
to make you fall for them and sleep with them.

Desperation causes all kinds of perversions, including molestation and rape,

irrespective of the kind of relationship between two people. Desperation
makes a person lose all his/her dignity in the pursuit of appeasing his/her
hunger. He/she becomes a beggar in the disguise of a lover.
There is no denying the fact that perversion causes all kinds of horrible acts
in society, such as rape of girls and women (starting from the newborn baby
to old women), molestation of boys and girls, and groping the private parts of
girls and women (again from the newborn to older women). whenever an
opportunity arises. Sometimes even mothers and fathers force their own
children into physical acts, by threatening them emotionally or physically.

When the root is completely damaged, what is the point in spraying medicine
over the leaves of the tree?

Why are people so desperate for sex? What makes them behave in a
disgusting manner?

The universe is filled with men and women of all kinds. Both the genders
exist to complement each other. Men and women live together at home and
work together at the workplace. Men and women interact in other places too.
But society, in the name of discipline and protection, often tries to keep boys
and girls away from each other. Why should there be separate schools and
colleges for girls and boys? Why are there separate queues for men and
women wherever they go? Why are we as a society creating so many barriers
between men and women? These barriers and restrictions make boys and
girls curious to know more. The curiosity to know more about the opposite
sex makes them indulge in stealthy acts. If society allows them to live
naturally and mingle with each other, such things will not happen. Friendship
will blossom between men and women and they will start respecting each
other’s space. The more secrecy is created, the more distance is drawn
between them and the more curious and desperate they become to know what
is hidden and forbidden.

Instead, society must leave boys and girls, men and women to be on their
own to explore. There is absolutely no need for guidance or restrictions. No
genuine obedience can happen, unless people are told why it is so. About 99
per cent of parents do not allow their children free access to sex education.
They also do not talk to their children about sex and explain everything to
them. Remember, today’s youngsters are tomorrow’s elders.

When youngsters do not understand the basics of sex and do not know what
could create a strong foundation for a good relationship, they falter. They
then face deprivation and become desperate.

Though marriage gives us easy and socially approved access to sex, we have
no clue what sex is all about. Most of us do not feel complete when it comes
to sex. There is always a craving for more. This is because there is no
fulfilment in our sexual relationships. This is because we do not understand it
completely. As I quoted in the beginning, in my prologue, we think so much
about sex, but we think about it in the wrong way.
 CHAPTER 13

Masturbation

L ouis C.K. said this of masturbation, “It’s easy, fun, and no one gets
hurt.”

Every person has to take some time out to be with himself (or herself) alone.
That is when he learns more about himself, and that is when his creativity
blossoms. This is 100 per cent true. A person who loves to be with himself,
who takes the time out to travel within him, is the person who can love others
and respect others as separate individuals.

Many great thinkers have said that ‘solitude’ is not a void. Solitude is not
loneliness, itis just being alone with oneself. Being alone is not a negative
thing, nothing can be more positive than the ability to be alone.

I would say the same thing for masturbation, though in a different sense.
Everyone should learn to attain an orgasm with oneself, at least now and
then. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact, it is the right thing to do. It is
good for us to be with our own self sometimes. It is good to enjoy orgasm
with the self at times. This solves a lot of problems and does a lot of good
things to relationships.

When a teenage boy or girl learns to masturbate and get an orgasm, he or she
does not get too desperate to explore sexual activities with one another at a
young age, before they are old enough and responsible enough to handle the
consequences of their actions. The pent-up sexual energy finds a way to
release itself without the need for another person’s help. When youngsters
learn masturbation the proper way, they learn to be self-reliant during times
of need. They also learn that they need not go behind the opposite sex
desperately. They learn to wait for the right time when they feel fit enough to
take care of the outcomes of their acts.

I’m a promoter of masturbation. Don’t sleep around…learn

yourself first! Guys do it, but girls don’t. They should.

– Taylor Momsen

Myth: Masturbation is injurious to health

(http://www.rediff.com/getahead/2008/aug/04sex.htm )

A common myth that confronts sexologists and relationship counsellors is the

belief that masturbation is injurious to health. Dr. Prakash Nanalal Kothari,
a Mumbai-based sexologist, says, “Some patients believe that excessive
masturbation leads to impotence, tuberculosis and homosexuality. ”
According to Dr. Kothari, this is completely untrue. “Masturbation is as
normal as sexual intercourse,” he explains. “What happens to the penis when
it is inside the vagina during sexual intercourse is the same as what happens
when it is inside the folded palm during masturbation.”

“If you have a good grounding in English, it will be easier to pick up friends.
Similarly, if you have experience with masturbation, it will be easier when
the time comes for intercourse.”

Furthermore, Dr. Kothari emphasises, “There is nothing like excessive

masturbation, which results in the weakening of the genitals. The tongue does
not grow weak in one who is talkative. Neither does it become strong if one
observes silence!”
Unfortunately, masturbation is generally resorted to out of desperation when
one does not have a partner to satisfy him or her. When it is done at a point of
desperation, it creates a lonely feeling, and sometimes even a sense of shame
sets in. Remember, whatever is made possible by nature cannot be a thing of
shame. If you still have doubts, you can check with a sexologist.

If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made

our arms shorter.

– George Carli

Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

– Woody Allen

Just like solitude gives you time for introspection, masturbation gives you
time to explore your body. It lets you know which part of your body gives
you the tickle and which part of your body, when touched, rubbed or
squeezed, gives you ecstasy. This will help in leading your partner to the
right place and action and in turn give you a high when you are with him or
her.

When people believe that everything is possible within them and understand
that there is nothing wrong in doing things with one’s own self, there will be
fewer perversions in society. When people understand that there is no need to
be ashamed of masturbation and it is a natural way of appeasing one’s sexual
need, there will be fewer instances of rape, groping or molestation. I am not
saying masturbation will completely get rid of all perversions, but I am sure
the change in mindset (about masturbation) will definitely bring down
desperation and the resultant perversions.

When you know and love your body well, sex with the opposite gender
becomes more pleasurable. It will happen out of love and not desperation.
Sex between a man and a woman will then be a natural feeling of
togetherness, support and sharing of love, rather than just a physical act to
relieve oneself.

When you learn to enjoy solitude, you will look for people you can share
your time with, people who will enrich your life. You will not be desperate
to be with anyone. You will not seek out company just because you are
lonely. You will know that your state of being alone is worth more than
wasting your time with unwanted people. When you learn to be alone with
your own body, you will not be desperate to get into bed with anyone and
everyone you meet. You will choose the person you love to share your
enjoyable moments with.

I can cook and eat what I cook. But when I cook for someone and see him or
her enjoy my food, that gives me more pleasure. Only love can achieve this.
And this is possible only when I love myself. When I masturbate, I learn to
love myself. I will not be in a great hurry to get into bed with anyone. And
when I do have someone to share my love with, I will be in a position to
appreciate the warmth the other body brings to my side. I will relish the love
that is showered and cherish the moments till the next time we are together.

Proper education on sex, starting with masturbation, will help develop a

healthy outlook on sex and love. The more self-reliant people are, the more
careful they will be in selecting their partners, because they know that, in the
absence of a partner, they can still enjoy solitude and they need not get
desperate to be in a relationship. When there is no desperation, your heart
and brain work better and be in sync with each other.

Among all types of sexual activity, masturbation is, however,

the one in which the female most frequently reaches orgasm.

– Alfred Charles Kinsey in his book

Sexual Behavior in the Human Female.
 CHAPTER 14

Wet Chats

H ow desperate do people become that they indulge in phone sex and

chat sex with strangers! What more proof is required to show that
sex is not considered an expression of love? If a person is given an
opportunity to learn that sex is the basic necessity of life and it is an
expression of love at its extreme, he or she will not deteriorate to this level.

Instead of letting sex manifest as a spontaneous overflow of love, instead of

being with a person and sharing everything with him or her, we focus our
attention on getting aroused and reaching the peak of physical satisfaction.
Instead of getting to know the other person, liking him or her and falling in
love naturally, we become obsessed with sex. We do not want to experience
the magic of touch that love brings with it. We do not wait for love to
overflow in us. We just want to plunge into the act of sex. We hear and read
sex in everything.

How can we expect a man (or a woman for that matter) to enter wedlock and
look at his wife (or husband) as a person who is to be loved and respected?
While sex is considered sacrosanct on one level, on the other hand, it has
also deteriorated to a great extent.
I received this message on WhatsApp! This message shows our obsession
with sex cannot stoop lower than this. (Of course, I do not vouch for its
authenticity.)

De Drauzio Varella (Nobel prize winner for medicine) says, “In the actual
world, we invest five times more in medicine for masculine virility and
women’s silicones than in Alzheimer. In a few years, we will have old
women with big boobs and old men with straight penis …but nobody will
remember what it’s for.”

The wife wants something, and the husband wants something else. They
assume they give each other a ‘lot.’ Maybe they do give each other a lot, but
what they fail to understand is they do not give what the other person wants.
They only give what they assume the other person wants. There is a huge gap
between what is expected and what is given. It is not just to do with physical
needs; it has a lot to do with emotional needs too.
 CHAPTER 15

The Institution Called Marriage

A s a youngster, I was made to believe that marriage was an

institution that brought discipline to people and that family was a
support system that helped you live life without hassles.

As I grew older, got married and started interacting with other married
people and learning from others, I saw a lot of ugliness in this institution
called marriage. I do not see any connection between a man and a woman
who are married to each other. Marriage can connect people only legally and
physically. There is no connection between the hearts. That can happen only
if there is love.

There are marriages that are arranged by the elders at home. And there are
marriages we call ‘love marriage.’ But both of them end up ugly. Why does
this happen?

We say love is blind. Well, love can never be blind. It is the core of our
being. Recently, I read an article that said that in India, 90 per cent of
marriages are still arranged and the divorce rate in these marriages is only 5
per cent. What is there to boast about in this statistic? Does only the number
of legal divorces count for determining the success of marriage? There are
many people living separately without legal divorces. They may have valid
reasons for this. They may feel there is no need for a legal divorce, as long
as they are leading a peaceful life. There may be people who do not want to
go through the pains of getting in and out of the court for a divorce. Maybe
they find the alternative an easier option.

There are also people living together under the same roof without any
connection or bonding. They may be doing so because of their children,
financial reasons, other conveniences or social conditioning. To the outside
world, they are a legal couple. But how many of them are true to their heart
and say they are loving couples? What is there to be proud about these kinds
of marriages?

If the fate of arranged marriages is this, the so-called ‘love’ marriages too
are a disaster. At least in arranged marriages, people cannot assume mutual
compatibility; people know beforehand that they may have to compromise a
lot and put in a lot of efforts to understand each other. But people who marry
due to ‘love’ get into the institution of marriage under the illusion that they
have understood each other well and they are made for each other. They do
not realise that everything is hunky-dory during the courtship period. It is
only when people start living together that they come to know the other side
of each other, the side that we do not like. When responsibilities of marriage
have to be shouldered, people realise how much they are willing to take up.
Over time, they realise whether they want to do their duties to perfection or
simply shirk them.

We tend to take ownership of the person we have married, and we expect him
or her behave the way we want them to. How many people’s expectations are
met? When expectations are not met, frustration sets in. Petty fights and
differences crop up when expectations are not matched. But in love
marriages too, people tend to stick on for various reasons and do not want to
get out. One of the reasons could be ego. People do not want to show others
that they have failed. Some people feel they have got into the marriage
willingly and they have to stay on till the end. Some people may be scared of
the reaction of their parents who may put on a ‘we told you so’ stance. Many
people in love marriages do not have the support of their family. They do not
have anyone to turn to for counselling.

Marriages can be called ‘successful’ if, after many years of marriage, the
couple still love the company of each other, still continue to have mutually
enjoyable sex, and love and care for each other in the same way they did
during the early years. Couples who are in a successful marriage must be
able to say from the bottom of their heart that their marriage “rocks” when
someone asks them how their married life is.

There are people who say, “What is the point in cribbing about the partner?
Even if I had married someone else, life would have been the same. I would
have probably had the same problems and reasons for indifference.” Why do
they say this? Is it to prove a point that marriage is a necessary evil? Should
we lose our life in order to fulfil the expectations of society? We call
marriage an evil. So, why embrace evil so fiercely?

Why is it so necessary to get married if it is going to cost our freedom, peace

and happiness? Is marriage only for sex and children? We know that marriage
was created by society for people to have safe sex, have a sense of
ownership and procreate. But is that it?

On the brighter side, we can look at marriage as a companionship for a

lifetime. When we are married, we have someone to turn to in times of need.
Marriage is a convenience. We take up different responsibilities and
complement each other in bringing happiness and peace into each other’s
life. Marriage enables you to enjoy the joys of parenting together. But if there
is no companionship in a marriage, what is the point of being in the
relationship?
Let us first deal with arranged marriages—the most advocated and favoured
system in Indian society.

In our society, a single person can live his or her life on his or her own till a
certain age. When this age is crossed, he or she is expected to get married to
fulfil the need for sex. So, two people unknown to each other take an oath to
stand by each other till the end of their lives.

Marriage facilitates sex. So, in arranged marriage, the need for sex forms the
basis of marriage. Along with sex, there are other comforts too—the comfort
of a home, someone to cook for you, and someone to take care of your needs.
So, ultimately, people get into a trade in the name of marriage. It is a kind of
barter where people tell each other “I give you these and you give me these.”
Sometimes, the terms and conditions are discussed beforehand and
sometimes they are unspoken and taken for granted.

Let us look into the following scenarios.

1. Love happens at first sight, blossoms and grows as the days go by. The
couple lives happily ever after. (This probability is very less.)
2. Love happens over a period of time and grows stronger every day.
(Again, the probability of this is less, though it is slightly more than
scenario 1.)
3. Love happens either at first sight or after some time, but it vanishes
after a point of time. But the couple sticks together for the sake of
children, family and law. (This is quite possible, and its probability
may be more than the first two cases.)
4. Love does not happen at all. (The probability of this is the highest.)
From my discussions with men and women past their middle age, I can
authoritatively state that most of them do not have an enjoyable time in bed.
Most of the men crib that their wives have lost interest in sex and it has been
quite a few years since they had a good time together in bed. After a few
months or years of nagging, men do not seem to have a choice. So, they
assume their wives have become old and that women who are past the
middle age lose their appetite for sex. Women also find this assumption
convenient, though the fact is most of the women (some of them may not be
aware of this) are just bored of the way sex is handled by their men. Night
after night, for years, the men have not cared to make sex enjoyable for their
women.

I am reminded of the famous philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti here. He said,

“A husband never relates with his wife and a wife never relates with her
husband. They only relate with the image they have created of the wife or the
husband, and this applies to almost all our relationships and not just the
spouses.” What he says holds good 100 per cent when it comes to sexual
relationships.

The man does not pause to think for a moment if there is any problem in the
way he is handling sex and why his wife does not show interest in sex. You
cannot blame the man alone, because all along he has been thinking that his
wife is enjoying the act, whereas in reality, his wife has just been tolerating
him thinking it is her duty to keep him happy, out of love for him and not
wanting to hurt him by saying the truth. So, for the husband, who does not
really know if his wife is enjoying or not, her refusal to sleep with him
makes him think that she has become old and no longer enjoys sex.

What he should actually be doing is changing his thinking and his ways. He
must learn to care for his wife’s enjoyment. He would have learnt this long
ago had his wife talked to him openly about it in the beginning itself. But the
problem is, in the garb of patnivratham (wifely duties), she has been having
sex with her man mechanically, without knowing the other ways of having sex
and without enjoying it any point in time. She has been living under the
assumption that she is duty-bound as a wife to give her husband enjoyment
and make him happy.

Many men beyond the age of fifty start getting desperate for sex in our
society. Thus begin the horrible acts of brushing against women, standing too
close to them in buses, and trying to molest innocent kids. These men are
frustrated about the lack of sex at home and are scared of having an
extramarital affair at their age. So, they become perverted after a while and
get into cowardly acts like the ones mentioned above. Sex is always in their
mind and they are unable to control themselves when the slightest opportunity
arises to appease their urge.

I came up with the title of this book as a result of this persistent thought in my
head that many men do not consider their wives as partners in bed but treat
them like toilet seats in the washroom, where they sit on and get rid of their
faeces. Of course, men get highly insulted when I tell them this. But the truth
is these are the people who have been using their wives like toilet seats for
several years, in the name of sex. The men should be happy that the term
‘toilet seat’ never occurred in the minds of their wives. Then they would
have not tolerated the men for so many years.
 CHAPTER 16

Marriage and Family

L et us understand that all relationships are need-based. Marriage too

is need-based. Marriage is for one’s convenience and comfort. We
are all brought up by our parents. They are a great support to us while we are
growing. As we grow and they age, we become their supporting factors in
life. As we start supporting them, we start thinking of our old age and we
assume that, just like we are there for our parents, our children too will take
care of us during our old age. So, we think about having children. This is the
greater purpose of marriage. When our parents become old and are nearing
the end of their lives, we start worrying about our old age too. We think that
if we are not married and do not have a family of our own, our lives would
become uncertain. We fear we would be left alone in the world. If we are
already married and have a family, we feel we have achieved the purpose of
our life. Attachments and responsibilities in the name of spouse and children
give us a sense of accomplishment. While the death of our parents gives us a
fleeting moment of sadness, we realise we have other things to attend to and
move on.

Let me differ here a bit. I do not think that every man’s (or woman’s) purpose
in life is to get married and have children. I believe every individual has a
unique purpose in his or her own life even without all these. Having said
this, there is no denying that the cycle of marriage and family has been
created for the sake of a convenient and comfortable life (whether you want
to get into it or not is a different matter).

To create a family, a man needs a woman and a woman needs a man. When
you get married, there is someone at home when you get home, there is
someone to take care of your needs, there is someone who knows what you
want and is willing to do that for you. There is someone who is available to
spend your happy and sad moments with. Most importantly, there is someone
readily available to go to, to release your sexual energy and get fulfilment.
Fine, marriage is a great concept and it has worked well in the eyes of the
onlookers, all through these years. However, does it really work well for
everyone? Sometimes, it does. But many of the times, it does not!

But then, like everything else in life, we have been taught to accept marriage
as it is. We are always told that life is like that and we have to compromise,
adjust and just be (not live). We have all been taught to pretend for the sake
of society, the harmony at home and the children we have created and meet
societal norms. This is how most couples celebrate their silver jubilee and
golden jubilee years.

Now think of this situation.

A man comes home tired after a hard day’s work. The wife too has had a
tough day at home. In the evening, the wife serves food and the man eats it.
The man does not think of the toil that has gone behind his food. The woman
too does not think of his toil behind affording the food. He does not
appreciate her food, because he thinks it is her ‘duty’ to cook and serve food
to him. She too does not appreciate the hard work the man has done in office,
because she thinks earning is the man’s ‘duty.’

The husband and wife have their food, they talk about how the children are
faring in class and what they could become once they grow up. I wonder why
the child has to ‘become’ something. He or she has already taken the human
form, is there anything else the child has to ‘become?’ Oh no, the child
should continue our legacy, right? I missed that! I am sorry!

Then what happens? It is time for them to go to bed thinking of what breakfast
to make or what work to begin in office the next morning. If they want to
relax for a while before going to sleep, they make love. Or they may
postpone it to Saturday night so that they do not have to think of office or
cooking on Sunday. During the week, the wife may have a physical urge, but
she knows that her husband is tired and has to go to office in the morning. So,
she decides against ‘disturbing’ him. A man may need it too, but he does not
have enough time. But he still has to satisfy his need.

Please believe me when I tell you this that the bedroom scene in most of the
Indian households is not like what you see in the movies, with loving eyes,
kissing foreheads and all that. Here it is all about quickly removing clothes
(sometimes not even that) and getting into the act straight. The wife may be
thinking, “Oh shit, why can’t he do it fast and finish it off soon, so that I can
sleep early?” Then the man hurriedly does a few push-ups on top of the
woman in an urge to relieve himself. And there ends the matter. The man
turns aside and sleeps, due to exhaustion, while the woman, who is now
completely aroused, fumes within, as she looks at her husband who is
peacefully asleep. She will have a few sleepless hours before she finally
dozes off. And the next morning, the husband expects his wife to make him
breakfast with love!

When life becomes so monotonous and predictable, the sanctity of marriage

is lost. Yes, I do agree that we still want to get married and have children.
There can be many reasons for this. One very important reason is that this is
what is expected of us by our parents and society. Two, we are all
conditioned to believe that marriage is a necessary evil and only this
completes our life. Getting a wife or husband and becoming fathers and
mothers have become priorities in our lives. Living the one life given to us is
not as important as completing our life cycle with the things that others
expect us to attain. The other important reason for marriage and family is
peer pressure. People think that if they stay single, they will get alienated
from the crowd. The crowd can consist of fools and hypocrites, but we still
think it is important to be one among the crowd!

At this stage in life, I strongly believe that if we want a happy life, we have
to bring in changes in the way marriage and family are perceived. If this
happens, we can be happy in a marriage and bring happiness and love into
the family.

What changes should we bring in?

Marriage is not a business in which we sign a contract and abide by the terms
and conditions. Business deals with products and services, but marriage
involves people and their feelings. One has to be very clear about this. Love
is a spontaneous feeling, it cannot be confined within an agreement sheet.

In a marriage, I promise someone that I will take care of his or her needs
forever, giving allowances for health and wealth issues. Fortunately, if I stay
healthy and wealthy till I die, I can keep up my promise. But how can I
promise someone that I will love him or her forever? What comes
spontaneously can also vanish spontaneously. Right?

We cannot stay in a business forever if it is making losses continuously. In

business, the outcome of profit or loss decides whether we stick to the
business or not. The aim of a business is to make money. But the aim of
marriage is to make a family; and this family involves people. So, it is not
always easy to get out of marriage. Under these circumstances, we can make
some allowances in a marriage that will keep us together.
In a marriage, we have to decide whether we need a particular person in our
life or not. Sometimes, we have a strong need for a person, but we want him
or her to change according to our ways of thinking and acting. We have to
understand that marriage consists of two individuals who have come together
for companionship and to bring comfort to each and other. Marriage does not
mean ownership with complete rights.

Traditionally, we have been told that one should not seek love outside
marriage. This conditioning has to go. If my partner has to be happy, I have to
be happy at home. And vice versa. But how long can I put on a happy face,
when someone at home is sporting a long one?

The atmosphere at home has to be happy, and making sure it stays so is in my

hands. If my partner has found new love outside marriage, I have to let him
enjoy that love. That love will keep him happy. Do not jump in and ask me
what is wrong with me and why my partner has to fall in love with someone
else? This questioning is absurd. There need not be anything wrong with me
for my husband to fall in love with someone else. It only shows that he has a
loving heart and it is only natural for him to love one more person. So, if you
come to know that your man is in love with someone else, just brush it aside
and be what you are with him. Do not put him into an embarrassing situation
by asking him questions that make him feel guilty of what he is doing. Just
ignore and observe the transformation at home. Allow him to find happiness
in whatever he is doing and whoever he is with. He will come back home a
happy person. He will be in a better state of mind to spread happiness around
him. The same thing holds good for the husband too. This may seem a hard
thing to do initially, but it will bring the desired effect of HAPPINESS.

Do not try to measure love, do not try to compare. Just love. Your husband’s
‘affair’ may go on for some time. After a while it may stop. Or it may not.
Whatever happens, be unaffected by it. He is still your husband. As long as
he still cares for you and takes care of you and your family, just be happy. Do
not think that just because he loves someone else, he no longer loves you.
This is absurd again.

When the second child is born, we do not stop loving our first kid, do we?
Love is not something that is stored in a limited quantity in our hearts. Love
is not something that can be divided and given out. It is not that when we give
out love, the love in us depletes. The more we love, the more capable we
become of loving others. Love is the only thing that does not diminish over
use. In fact, the power of love is such that the more we love the more it
grows in our heart. And the less we love, it becomes lesser and lesser in our
hearts, and one day it vanishes. Love is the only thing that does not have a
boundary. We can love anything and everything.

If you react badly to your husband’s newfound love, you are forcing him to
make a choice. He could either leave you or the other woman. If he chooses
you, he could live with you like a walking vegetable. If you love him truly
and you want him in your life, you will not force him to make any of the
above choices. Allow him to LIVE and you will also LIVE. The vice versa
also holds good.

Superficial things like marriage, the sentiments that go with it, the mangal
sutra , and the bindi get more respect than human beings and their feelings. I
have seen women crying over their husband’s dead body not for the fact that
the husband has left them and gone, but for the fact that he has taken away
with him their right to being a sumangali , a respected position in our
society. It is not the love for her husband that makes the woman cry over his
death, but it is self-pity that is at play here. This is the making of our society.
We live for the sake of society. We want society to respect us. We give more
importance to superficial things than living the life of our choice. Remember,
if you lose a life of happiness, you become lifeless. Then society won’t even
bother to remember you.
When you do not respect the fellow human being, why bother giving respect
to lifeless things? This is akin to making a mockery of the whole system.

If your marriage is a success, talk about it. Let people around you learn how
to make a marriage work. And even if your marriage is a failure, talk about
it. Let people around you know why a marriage fails.
 CHAPTER 17

Possessiveness

H aven’t we all felt proud calling someone ‘mine.’ A boy tells his
girl “you are mine” with a lot of possessives

and the girl feels proud of it. What is there to be proud of? How can
someone become ours? Even the children we give birth to are not ours. They
are separate individuals. However, in the name of love, we always try to
possess the other person. By being possessive, we try to ensure the other
person is stuck with us for life.

Just ponder over these quotes.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from
itself, Love possesses not nor would it be possessed: For
love is sufficient unto love.

– Kahlil Gibran,
The Prophet

If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love.

– Thich Nhat Hanh,

Peace Is Every Step: The Path of
 Mindfulness in Everyday Life

Mine. The language of love is like that, possessive. That

should be the first warning that it’s not going to encourage
anyone’s betterment.

– Holly Black,
Black Heart

Only lifeless objects can be possessed. When the object of our love is
another life, it needs space and air to grow and blossom.

Osho narrates a small story to make us understand how possessiveness is

evil and destroys the object of our attachment. He refuses to call this love, as
possessiveness kills love and the object to which we are attached.

A nun was searching for enlightenment. She made a wooden statue of the
Buddha and covered it with a gold leaf. It was very pretty, and she carried it
with her wherever she went.

Years passed, and the nun was still carrying the Buddha. She settled down in
a small country temple where there were many statues of the Buddha, each
with its own shrine.

The nun burned incense before her golden Buddha every day. But she did not
want the fragrance to stray on to other statues. So, she devised a funnel
through which the smoke would ascend to her shrine alone. This blackened
the nose of the golden statue and made it ugly.

This is what happens to relationships when possessiveness starts to set in.

Ugliness sets in and ruins the relationship.

If we do not love ourselves, we cannot love anyone else. If we love

ourselves, we will not want to spoil our peace. If we do not want to spoil
our peace, we must go beyond distrust, doubts and possessiveness.

For a doubting eye, even water appears to be a mirage. Many a times, your
doubts appear true because of the strength of your doubts. So, let go of doubts
and distrust. Don’t try to possess anyone. Just be ‘one’ with the person you
love. Love is beautiful. So, why would anyone want to run away from that
beauty?

Most of the times, our possessiveness concerns the body of the person we
say we love. No one’s mind or heart is visible to our naked eyes. We
concentrate on the other person physically. Remember that, in all our efforts
to possess the other person, we can only possess his or her body and not him
or her as a person. The more the body is chained, the more the heart longs for
freedom and the mind starts working on achieving this freedom. In the
process, we lose the person in entirety.

The more we try to possess someone, the more we get possessed by our own
malevolent thoughts.

Most of the problems occur when we try to possess people as though they are
goods bought by us. For heaven’s sake, remember that everyone is an
individual and no one can be a mirror of us. Others cannot reflect our
opinions and thoughts. Even a newborn baby is an individual once the
umbilical cord is cut. Let us give that respect to each other. Nothing can be
achieved by force but everything can be accomplished with love.

Love is giving freedom and allowing others to live their life. Do not try to
cling on to others. Remember, there is something called ‘death,’ which can
never be escaped. We are all going to die one day. So, let us love ourselves
and others in this one life.

Are we really loving ourselves? Are we doing things that make us happy?
What if the relationship dies? You must learn to love the person still, even if
you think the relationship is going to die. Maybe this love will act as a
healing medicine and keep the relationship alive. Maybe it could be the
somras that keeps the relationship alive till you die! Who knows? But your
possessiveness will only ruin the relationship further and make it ugly. The
marriage may still exist, but the relationship will die soon and the people
involved in the relationship will die a slow death.
 CHAPTER 18

Complementing Each Other

I often wonder about the differences between a man and a woman. I often
think of the differences created by nature and their causes, the
differences created by human beings and their origin, and the effects of all
these on the lives of human beings.

Life is such a beautiful thing arising from the fusion of a woman and a
man.The union of the male and female species creates generation after
generation of human beings and other species. This union creates joy and
wealth in the universe of nature. It is such a lovely feeling to have a tiny
creation of any species in one’s hand—the innocent creature born out of the
efforts of two people.

What is more beautiful is the process that goes into bringing a life into this
world. It is so interesting and gives a lot of pleasure to the two people
involved in it. We owe our thanks to Mother Nature for having made it
possible. Otherwise, you and I wouldn’t be here today.

This lovely act of making love, which brings a lovely creation into the
world, is called ‘sex.’ But in fact, the word ‘sex’ actually also denotes the
gender of a particular species, to indicate whether it is a male or a female,
and this depends on the formation, structure and reproductive function of a
particular species. So, I don’t understand why the attraction between two
sexes is also named ‘sex!’ I also don’t understand why people so
sanctimoniously rebuke such a natural act and why people have attached a
taboo to it (although it is advocated in a marriage!).

Nature has created man and woman in such a way that they are
interdependent for their living. This interdependence starts even before birth.
The fusion of the male and female is required to even conceive a foetus.
Irrespective of the gender of the child born, the act of reproduction requires
both the genders. A woman has got a certain function, and the man has a
certain function. One cannot do without the other. Such is the amazing way of
nature.

By making two human beings of different form and function come together,
nature has amazingly ensured that the man and woman work in unison
towards the growth of their own species and also in taking care of each other.
Nature makes the male infuse life into the female’s egg to produce either a
male or a female child. Whatever lacks in a man is found in a woman and
whatever lacks in a woman is found in a man. A man and a woman are
designed in such a way that one complements the other for a fulfilled life.

Family is one of the beautiful concepts instituted by human beings. When I

see loving spouses and happy children, I appreciate the person or persons
who thought of the concept of a family. As long as marriage and family serve
their purpose of providing comfort, convenience, company and protection for
those who want them, the two institutions are really big boons.

However, in the name of marriage and family, how many people are living
the life they really love to live? Why is marriage looked at like a
compulsion, a necessary part of everyone’s life? From what it was meant to
do originally, marriage has today dwindled to a farce that produces
hypocrites and hypocritical ways of living in society.
When people joke that marriage is a necessary evil, I don’t find it funny.
Marriage is quite a serious issue. A person spends more time with his or her
spouse than his or her parents. In our society, marriage happens at the age of
25–30 years. Then he or she spends his or her life with the spouse. How
many people, at the time of getting married, are prepared for starting a
family? How many people are clear of the kind of responsibilities they are
taking and the kind of roles they need to play with respect to their spouse,
children and in-laws? Do they realise that their relationship with parents and
siblings is going to change with the arrival of new relationships?

When a child turns three, he or she is put in school, whether the child wants
to go to school or not. When the child finishes schooling, he or she is forced
to study engineering (no one cares if the child doesn’t know the difference
between mechanical engineering and electrical engineering or the difference
between software and hardware). Parents think they are doing everything for
the good of their children. Youngsters are expected to be practical and throw
their dreams away. When the youngsters attain a marriageable age, parents
put pressure on them to get married (no one cares if the person has the mental
maturity to take up the responsibility called family).

All of us go through the above situations. You may have also gone through
them. At three, you didn’t know what to do with your life. So, you obeyed
your parents and went to school. In college too, you listened to your parents
and did engineering, though you wanted to study journalism. This too is
totally understandable, because you were still dependent on your parents for
your existence. (If you had been smart and passionate, you would have
finished engineering and then pursued journalism!). You didn’t want to let
down your parents, who wanted you to go along with others so that you
wouldn’t lose your way and be left alone. But it didn’t stop here. You let
yourself be strung along like a puppet in the hands of your parents even after
college, when you were old enough to decide what to do in life.
When you are old enough to take up the responsibility of a family, aren’t you
expected to know what awaits you? Some people know what awaits them
and take the plunge because they think they are ready for it. There are people
who decide that marriage is not their cup of tea and prefer to live alone.
These people are far and few in between and they have the guts to stay
different. Hats off to these guys! But most people opt for marriage just to go
with the crowd and follow the norms of society. They don’t want to be alone.
They fear being alone at old age. Many people succumb to peer pressure and
fall into the institution of marriage. Some people get into marriage just
because they are tired of people asking them why they are not married yet.
Some people do not want to give room for the rumour mill to gossip that he
or she has some kind of disease or dhosham for staying single. Are these the
right reasons to get married?

How many married people are really happy together? How many relish each
other’s company over a long period of time? At least 90 per cent of
marriages are failures within a few years of marriage, though a small
percentage of people get out of it boldly.

What is a successful marriage according to you? If existing under the same

roof for years is a sign of a successful marriage, I have my doubts on your
definition of success itself. If you say the wife cooking for the husband and
the husband earning for the family and they sleeping together is ‘love,’ I am
appalled by your idea of love. If you say two people being together and
taking care of the kids is a successful marriage, you are sadly mistaking
‘parenting’ for ‘marriage.’

Why are people being such hypocrites? Everybody says marriage is a

commitment and whether you like it or not, once you commit yourself to it,
you have to stick to it. Yes, I agree that marriage is a commitment. But what
kind of a commitment is it? Is it a commitment to abide by the spouse’s rules
and regulations, take care of the spouse’s needs and sleep with the spouse
whenever he/ she wants to? Is it a commitment to bear children? Is it about
showing the world outside that you are the ‘ideal’ couple? Is this why people
get married? I am not gender-biased and I have seen both men and women
having their own way in families.

How many people think of marriage as a commitment of the following?

• First and foremost, to treat the other person as an equal human being.
• Understand that the other person has his/her own mind and heart and
navel (I read somewhere that the source of life energy comes from the
navel and not from the heart.)
• Know that the other person has the right to ‘live’ as much as he/she
does.
• Believe that the other person is entitled to as much freedom as he/she
would like to have.
• Know that the other person has a right to voice out his/ her thoughts
and views and they have to be heard too.
• Appreciate the fact that a decision taken on behalf of the family has to
be acceptable by both.
• Understand that the woman who sits at home and takes care of the
family contributes more to the family than the man who goes out and
earns money.
• Understand that the man who goes out to earn money for the family
sheds all his ego and goes through all kinds of mental and physical
hardships to keep the family in good stead.
• Know that the other person is an individual and needs some time and
space for himself/herself to do what he/ she likes to do.
 • Understand that the other person too has his/her dreams and ambitions
and support in nurturing them.
• Above all, understand that a husband or wife’s role is not just about
cooking, earning, sleeping together and parenting, but about both of
them playing all the roles, as the situation demands, and being with
each other for the rest of the life.
In my view, a husband and a wife need to be friends all the time, throughout
life, and complement each other at all times. According to me, friendship is
the basis on which any good relationship is built. If you see any successful
couple, you will notice that they share a very good friendship between them.
They may not have thought about the term ‘friendship’ as such, but they are
naturally like good friends.

But friendship seldom seems to have a role in the relationships in our

society. Parents expect their children to listen to them, because parents think
they have the duty and responsibility to take care of their children. So, the
parents expect the children to listen to them, for the sake of their wellbeing.
Parents are not bothered whether their children have the capacity to think,
however grown-up they are. They are expected to listen to their parents, as
the parents have given life to the children, struggled to bring them up, and are
older than them. Likewise, the husband (in most of the cases) is elder to the
wife. So, the man expects certain duties to be performed by his wife,
irrespective of the fact whether the man fulfils his responsibilities or not.

Just like a wife has certain duties forced on her, she too expects her husband
to protect her and take care of her needs, as though she isn’t capable of taking
care of herself (this is a self-created dependence). This relationship is more
of a commercial relationship, if you ask me. This may not be practical in all
households.
In the name of ‘love,’ we imprison others. We try to bind others and try to
possess and boss over them. Marriage thus becomes a bondage. It is a block
you are stuck with, you are unable to move it out of the way. The moment you
try to suppress someone, the affected person finds it hard to breathe freely.
The consequence? If the person is courageous enough, he or she fights it out,
comes out, takes a deep breath and starts living his or her life. If the person
lacks courage, he or she gets suffocated and loses his or her life in the
process. He or she is dead for all purposes. Most people prefer to co-exist
with dead minds, hearts and navels and forget to live. And these people talk
of love. How can love live in a dead heart?
 CHAPTER 19

Driving Away Inhibitions

W hen partners do not openly communicate with each other about

their likes and dislikes, it can give rise to a lot of
misunderstanding between them. This can ultimately lead to a lot of
dissatisfaction. One may feel unfit for sex or look at the partner as being
sexually inadequate. How do we address this problem? It is taken for granted
that people learn to have sex once they find a partner. Yes, they will learn,
but how does one learn what the other person likes or dislikes?

It is like learning to cook or sing. What is the point if whatever I cook is not
to the taste of my partner? What if what I sing sounds like Greek or Latin to
my partner and I force him to listen to it? He will only be waiting to walk out
one day. What is needed here is clear communication without inhibition. Is
this dish to your liking? Do you like the song I sing? Don’t we ask such
things to people? Don’t we find out what the other person likes and act
accordingly? So, why is this communication lacking when it comes to sharing
sex? Is open communication not a great way to bond and keep the fire for
each other glowing?

Again, the problem is with considering sex a dirty word. We do not want it to
become a subject of communication, even with our partner. The act of having
sex is fine for us. We are prepared to do it once we get into bed with our
partner. However, we are not prepared to discuss the act, especially with the
partner. In fact, we may not find it difficult to discuss it with our friends, but
we are not comfortable doing so with our partner. We look at sex as a secret
and talk about it with a close friend, but we do not talk openly about it to our
partner, as it is seen as a shameful topic.

I may have by chance seen some elders having sex, but I have never heard
them talk about sex. Why can’t we accept that sex is an integral part of life,
especially so between life partners? Why can’t we get rid of the taboo
attached to it and talk about it openly with our children? Why can’t we teach
them about hormonal changes and how to deal with them? Why can’t we tell
them that sex is a natural act rather than hide or camouflage it? If we had
been taught about sex by our parents, we would find it easy to talk about it
with our partner and have a better sexual relationship.

Are we blind to the problems created by our unnatural treatment of sex?

What are we afraid of? Are we scared we will erode our value system?
Value systems have to be tweaked here and there to suit the current
environment. We cannot argue that our ancestors spent a lot of time and
energy manufacturing a typewriter and if we respect our ancestors, we must
stick to typewriters and ban the computers. Can we? But that is what we are
doing in the name of preserving traditions passed on by our ancestors. We all
have a mind. We need not close our eyes and walk along the same path that
our forefathers walked on. If we do so, we are depriving ourselves and our
future generation of their rights to think and walk along their own path. If
there is no transformation, there is no growth in any sphere, including matters
of sex.

Sex that brings two people together can also be the reason that separates two
people, if it is not handled properly.
I was recently watching a late-night question-answer session on sex. First of
all, I do not understand why these shows have to be telecast only at night. Is
it such a dark thing? It is after all an education. It is a kind of knowledge that
every person has to acquire, as it is the core of any human being. If the
argument is that the show is meant for adults and not children, well, in most
of the households these days it is the children who go to sleep late rather than
the adults.

However, let me come to the subject the doctor talked about in this particular
show. He said that statistics show that nearly 35 per cent of women
worldwide do not get orgasm. The percentage is much more in India. He
went on to explain why it is so. Most men do not try to arouse the woman or
they are not bothered about making her reach an orgasm. The man just uses
the woman for his ejaculation, and the act of sex ends here. I cannot but agree
with him completely, from my own experiences and from the experiences of a
few women known to me. A few men are not even aware that a woman can
reach an orgasm. A few women live with a feeling that there is something
wrong with them physically as they are not able to achieve an orgasm and are
afraid to talk about it to their partners, lest the men may think they are not fit
enough or they lose interest in them. Some women do not want to hurt the
male ego and let the men assume that the woman is blaming their incapability.

I wonder if men are really ignorant or they are pretending to be unaware.

Whatever is the case, the truth remains that many women’s vagina is used as
a toilet seat to get the men’s semen out. I will even go on to say that, even in
cases of oral sex, the woman’s mouth is used to aid the man’s ejaculation and
he does not bother to do the same for her mostly.

A few tips to make sex pleasurable for both partners:

1. Women need to shed their inhibition and conditioning, at least

gradually. They must speak up.
 2. Men need to find out their partner’s turn-ons, and be patient at that.
3. Both partners have to realise that equal participation brings out the
best and they need to work towards it.
4. Both partners should communicate properly, patiently, with
understanding and effort.
Men have to remember that sex is to be shared and not just snatched from the
woman. Only if he remembers this can he win the woman’s interest. Or else
soon he may have to hear her complain about headaches, to start with. As the
years roll by, the woman will start using age as an excuse to get out of sex.
She may say that she is no longer young, energetic and interested in sex. This
will give the man a heartache for sure.

I have talked to at least ten men, who were past their fifties, who told me that
their wives were no longer interested in sex as their children were grown-up
and they were past the age when they were interested in sex.

The woman will have to remember that if she does not speak out and get her
partner to understand her needs, she has to put up with being treated like a
toilet seat and she would die without experiencing the beauty of shared sex
and the ecstasy and relaxation it gives the mind and the body.

After all, we all have just one life to live. Is it worth denying ourselves the
pleasure for which we got a life partner?

Even the god says, “Seek and thou shall receive!” Even the god, who knows
what we want, will not give us anything without us asking for it. So, how can
you expect your partner, who is after all a mortal like you and me, to give
without you asking? Perhaps he does not know what you want. Let him know
what you want and he will give it you.
 CHAPTER 20

Male Ego

S omehow, the male ego is always associated with sex. When a

woman refuses to have sex with a man, his ego is hit. When a woman
shows her dissatisfaction over the sex she has had with him, even if she tells
him so in a polite manner, the male ego gets hurt.

When a man can proudly proclaim that he cannot cook (which is a necessity
for survival, be it a man or a woman), why can’t he accept a shortcoming in
his sexual prowess? Why does he behave as if he has been hit below the belt
when a woman tries to make him understand that he is not satisfying her in
sex? Why does the man behave as if the sole intention of the woman was to
hurt his male ego? Why does he react badly?

I got inducted into cooking only after my wedding. My husband brought me a

cook book. I followed it to the T and tried to do my best. Slowly, I started
preparing tasty food. Soon my husband and others started liking my cooking.
Is this not what a man or a woman is supposed to do when their partner
comments that they could be better in bed? Do not take this as an insult. Find
ways to make yourself better in bed and satisfy your partner.

Why should sex be associated with manliness and ego? Sex is something that
both partners should enjoy. A woman has a part to play and the man too has a
part to play in it. Only when both play their parts properly, can they enjoy
being together and coming together. If I am not doing something properly, I
need to know what I am not doing well. I want to know what gives my
partner pleasure. Similarly, I too have certain needs. And if I tell my partner
that, I want him to listen to me patiently and give me that pleasure.

Why should such a normal thing be allowed to hit a person’s ego? Why can’t
men (or women for that matter) change their ways to suit the needs of their
partner, so that they get more from their partner the next time they are
together? When the man is willing to understand a woman’s needs and show
that he cares for her pleasure, the woman will be willing to do more. This
will definitely bring them both closer, not just physically but otherwise too.
Won’t this make the whole act playful and passionate, rather than sex being
just a series of push-ups and ejaculation?

What is your problem, man? You say that it is difficult to understand women.
But you guys have always puzzled me when it comes to sex.
 CHAPTER 21

Health and Sex Education

E very boy and a girl should know what they are getting into before
getting into the physical act of sex. How many of us are bothered
about our children learning the nuances of sex before they even get a chance
to get into the act? Sex should be taught to everyone as a science of the body,
as a biological need. Everyone should be taught about the chemical and
emotional reactions that go with it. We need an open culture with respect to
teaching sex. This will do a lot of good for youngsters to maintain a healthy
balance between emotional and physical needs.

If you are still obsessed with our age-old traditions and find it difficult to
talk such things openly with your children, you can look at other options. Get
your children a reliable sex health book when they are in their teens. This
will give them a clear understanding of what sex is and the knowledge will
make them think before getting into the act prematurely. If you find it hard to
give the books directly to your children, leave them in the vicinity of your
children, without them knowing that you have left the books on purpose.

Every teenager gets intrigued by the word ‘sex.’ So, he (or she) is bound to
pick it up stealthily (unless he or she is open enough to taking it in front of
your eyes). Rest assured that he will quietly tiptoe into his room and start
reading the book. This could be a great way to prepare the teenager for a
healthy sexual relationship when the time comes.

Sex is all over the world. It is with every creature born on this universe. Sex
is what makes the world go around. So, what is the point in trying to hide it
from young people and leaving them so ignorant, sometimes till they die?

Let teenagers equip themselves with the right knowledge so that they cement
their relationship in a proper way, when everything falls in place.

The union of two people cannot be a miracle for long. The longevity of
relationships cannot remain a mystery forever. The two people involved in
the relationship have to work hard to make the union work. For that, they
definitely need knowledge and efforts. Ironically, our marriage system
always assumes that the union is a miracle and it would definitely happen
even between two complete strangers, and they will live together till the end
of their lives. This assumption has always been a mystery to me.

Marriages are not made in heaven. The angels do not take care of the partners
till their end. Marriages are definitely made on earth, and they definitely need
the understanding of each other’s needs for people to be together. Let us not
get carried away by fantasies or old tales. We need not always treat what our
elders have said as the golden mantra for life. We need to use our brains and
not let it rust inside us.
 CHAPTER 22

Food and Sex

Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to

allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint
or false modesty as the other.

– Marquis de Sade

Would you like to eat plain rice, idly or bread without any toppings or side
dish? Won’t you expect some salt and spice to go with it? Or at least
something sweet? Can you eat it even once without cribbing about it?

Sex is like food. They both serve as matters of sensual pleasure and they also
satisfy our hunger. We are not ready to deprive ourselves of tasty food, even
though we know that plain rice is enough to fill our stomach. Similarly, why
should we be deprived of taste and pleasure when it comes to sex? What is
the need to do so?

When such a small organ like the tongue can long for a lot of satisfaction,
why should the body not demand pleasure and sensual desire? But when it
comes to sex, what do we do? We deprive ourselves and our partner too. Can
you watch your partner consume plain rice without offering him or her
something to go along with it? That seems quite pathetic, doesn’t it?
When we decide the menu for the preparation of food, don’t we take into
account the family members’ preferences and make food that they relish?
Why do we do so? Isn’t it to satisfy others and keep them happy, as we
believe this is what makes family a successful institution? Should the same
logic not be applied in the case of sex too? Won’t this make the marriage a
success? Won’t this keep the relationship intact?

If all the man wants is a hole to relieve himself, he may as well consider the
toilet seat, instead of troubling the woman. The woman is better off satisfying
herself with masturbation rather than be used as a toilet seat.
 CHAPTER 23

Loss of Interest in Sex in Women

T hough sex is a basic physical need, it has to start from the mind for
one to enjoy it completely. Sex is the fusion of the mind and the
body, which gives us complete joy. However, in our society, sex is looked at
as a mere physical act. The mind gets dissolved in the acid called the ‘final
act’ and only the body remains in focus.

During the courting period, a woman is made to believe that her man sees
beauty in her in many ways. She is told that her eyes are beautiful and
attractive. The attraction starts from the eyes. She enjoys the way he looks at
her. She is told that she has a beautiful body. Even an accidental brushing of
hands sends an electric shock throughout her body. Given the constraints in
our society, all that the woman gets are a few touches from her man, here and
there, and if she is lucky, all over her body. These things get registered in her
mind and her body reacts to them. She longs for closeness and completeness
with her man.

However, once the man has intercourse with his woman, he immediately gets
to know that the final act is what gives him the utmost pleasure. He realises
that this is where his body gets peak enjoyment and he ejaculates. So, every
time he gets together with his woman, his concentration is on the intercourse.
He becomes so self-centred, knowingly or unknowingly, and believes that’s
where the woman too gets her peak enjoyment. He forgets all about her
beautiful eyes and the electric shocks going through her beautiful body, as he
is keen only on intercourse. This is why, in our conservative society, where
most of the intercourse happens only after marriage, the woman starts losing
interest in sex.

The woman is deprived of the small pleasures of electric waves passing

through her body. She misses the warmth in the eyes of her man. All she gets
is the man’s insertion in her hole for a minute or two. By the time this is done
and she is aroused, he is done with her. How do you expect the woman to
have interest in sex any longer?

What I do not understand here is this. If the man needs just the woman’s
vagina for enjoyment, why should he look for women with the perfect shape?
If he is not going to enjoy her in full, what part of her structure is going to
play a big role in having sex with the woman? These are just arousal factors
for him. Once he is aroused, the man becomes blind to the woman’s needs.
He does not see her as an individual who is looking forward to his touch and
his appreciation in his eyes. Men tend to forget that these are the arousal
factors for a woman. How long does the man expect his woman to show
interest in him and sex? How long does he think she will be happy about
sleeping with him?
 CHAPTER 24

Value Systems

T his phrase has never failed to puzzle me. What could be more
valuable than our life and happiness? What are these value systems
and who created them? If we start analysing this, we will definitely realise
that certain values get dropped over a period of time, and new values get
added now and then. Again, these value systems are different in different
parts of the world. If change is the only constant in this world, why are we
reluctant to let go of some of our values, especially if the values we drop add
value to our lives and the new values enhance the quality of our lives?

Society creates a lot of drama around these value systems, which are not
permanent.

I have a friend who is an uneducated, village-bred person. She got married to

someone from the city. After her wedding, she moved to the city. To my shock
and surprise, she told me that she found some of the city dwellers to be more
narrow-minded than the people from her village. To support her finding, she
narrated the story of two families she came across.

A girl in her teens fell in love with a boy from a different caste. Fearing the
wrath of the elders, she ran away with him to the city. After a few months, the
boy ditched her and fled to some other place. Not knowing what to do, she
went back to her village to ask for her parents’ forgiveness. Of course, they
shouted at her and beat her up. But they took her back. After a month, she
found out that she was pregnant and it was past the safe time for an abortion.
Her parents did not know what to do. So, the whole village gathered and
decided that they would find a solution to this. What kind of a solution did
they think of? They wondered if someone would come forward to marry her
and take care of her and her child as his own child. Seeing her plight, a boy
came forward and married her. They are living together happily till date.

No one made a secret of her pregnancy. The entire village knew whom the
girl had eloped with and whose child it was. But the villagers did not care
about this. Their only thought was the wellbeing of the girl and her child.
They did not blame fate and let her life be ruined, just because she committed
a mistake. No one said the girl deserved her punishment. The whole village
did not try to abandon her. And a boy came forward to marry her and accept
her child as his own, without bothering about the people around him, who
were aware that it was not his child.

Then there was another story. A couple had four children, and they were in
utter poverty. The husband tried his best to earn, but he was not smart enough
to do so. He found it very difficult to manage a living. So, his wife started
doing some work. Both of them struggled to run the family somehow. All of a
sudden, the man lost his job, and he could not get another one easily. Seeing
the plight of his wife struggling to make both ends meet, he committed
suicide.

A month after his death, the people of the village asked the unmarried
younger brother of the dead man if he was prepared to take care of his elder
brother’s wife and children. The brother said “yes.” From then on, he started
living with his brother’s wife and children. Today, after so many years, their
daughters are married, they have built a house, and they are living together
peacefully.
In the village, people do not think only about the financial wellbeing and
moral support that a marriage can give, but they also think about the need to
appease one’s sexual urge. If the women are left alone, what would they do?
How would they manage without a man in their life? This is one of the main
reasons for the villagers to take such decisions.

What do we call this? Humanity? “I have never heard of such things

happening in the city,” said my friend. They may happen, but it is not the
norm. Parents or elders of a household in the city do not take such decisions.
They are generally taken by the affected person, who is then criticised by
friends and relatives. On the contrary, look at the respect the villagers give a
deserted woman. But in the city, we do not give enough respect for a
divorced or widowed woman.

If a woman has sex before marriage, she tends to hide it from others, because
she feels it would ruin the honour of her family. Parents too hide it from
everyone and quickly get their girls married off, under societal pressure.
They hide their daughter’s ‘past’ from the bridegroom and his family. Then
the parents and the girl live with a ‘guilty’ feeling throughout their lives.
Even though he doesn’t know that instead of just getting past that and living a
peaceful life with him, she feels she has cheated him and so she lives a life
of eternal gratefulness to him.

While I do respect our ancestors for having introduced some discipline in

life, as otherwise, we would all be living like barbarians (though I have not
done great research on this), I believe values have been twisted and tweaked,
here and there, now and then, to suit people who had control over others, for
their selfish benefits.
 CHAPTER 25

Rules for a Good Relationship

I understand that I may come across as someone who advocates free sex
and affairs outside the marriage without any guilt or care. No, definitely
not. If a man and a woman love each other and share great sex, they need not
look at anyone else. This is the ideal way to live. However, this is not what
happens ideally with every relationship.

However, there are certain rules to be followed. When I say rules, they need
not be laid rules. They are unwritten rules that prescribe heartfelt care for the
other person. This will strengthen the relationship between the man and the
woman. The resultant sex will be an exchange of love and bring pleasure for
both of them, and not just one person. Sex will no longer be a mechanical
process.

1. Please do not ignore this rule as something trivial. This plays a major
role in a woman’s estimation of a man. This rule categorically applies
in situations where the participants are not expecting to become
parents. Whatever is the kind of relationship, whether husband and
wife, lovers, an extramarital affair, the people involved should use
contraceptives during sex. I have heard, and I do not know how far this
is correct, that many men do not like to wear a condom as it does not
give complete pleasure to them. So, many men avoid using this, though
 we know this is more hygienic. While I empathise with the man, should
he not think of the plight of the woman, who is under constant fear of
getting pregnant? If during the act, she gets a sudden fear that she may
become pregnant, how can she enjoy it completely? When her mind is
struck with fear, will she be completely alive at the moment to enjoy
being with her man? The wholesome participation of two people is a
must and not optional for a longstanding relationship. The man who
does not care for this inconvenient feeling of a woman will be seen as
a self-centredperson, and he may soon lose the respect of the woman.
2. If a woman’s periods are delayed, she is mentally stressed about it,
because she is scared that she may be pregnant. The man must not
negate this feeling, as if he is not part of what she is going through. The
man must lend his woman his ears and give her encouraging words or
suggestions. If need be, he must also accompany the woman to the
doctor. He must be genuine in whatever he does. Just because it does
not affect the man physically, if he does not show concern, the woman
will only be forced to think that the man sees her only for her body and
is not bothered about her otherwise.
3. The man and woman must both learn to understand the other person’s
constraint. Allow him/her the space required. It is very important to
understand and accept the other person’s nature and not try to mould
the other person according to our preferences.
4. While love and care are important, respecting the other person is the
basic requirement for any relationship to strengthen each day. This
adds a feel-good factor to the relationship and makes one look forward
to having a longstanding bond.
5. In a married relationship, please do not take the other person for
granted under all circumstances. Some allowances are okay, but not all
the time.
6. Before making sexual advances, ensure that the person is not down
with some other issue. Sometimes, it may happen that he or she is
desperate to get close to his or her partner mentally and emotionally to
gain strength or feel reassured in the knowledge that there is someone
for him/her in times of need. He or she may just want to sit and talk
about something of importance. Let us not always assume that
everything will be okay if you try to change their mood by making a
sexual advance, thinking that sex could be a good diversion. Beware, it
could worsen the situation, and there is every chance of you getting
branded as an insensitive person who is only bothered about appeasing
his or her sexual want.
7. Getting into live-in relationships is becoming very common today
among youngsters. However, this calls for a great deal of maturity from
both the sides. First and foremost, both man and woman should keep in
mind that the design of the relationship is such that there is no sense of
permanency attached to it. There is no point crying about it and
sweating over the loss when it comes to it. Both people should have
the maturity not to blame the other person when they decide to walk
out, even if it leaves a deep pain in our hearts. Emotions are emotions,
and we may not have control over them, but we can control how we
respond to them.
8. If we are in an extramarital relationship, we need to be extra careful as
to how we handle the relationship. Mostly extramarital affairs happen
as a filler for some void created by the marriage. Let us stick to being
just the filler. Let us not try to possess the other person or overpower
him or her. We should have a complete understanding of the other
person’s roles and responsibilities towards his/her family. One great
rule is that we should know when to be in touch with him or her and
when to stay away. Just one message at the wrong time could land
 people in trouble and create havoc in the other person’s family. If we
really love someone, it is not worth ruining his or her marriage.
9. Never try to control or keep an eye on everything that the other person
is into. This holds good for all kinds of relationships. Live your life,
find your own personal pleasures, spend time with yourself, your
friends or relatives, instead of clinging to one person all the time.
Clinging or being overbearing will ruin the relationship.
10. Last, but not the least, go beyond trust. Love people and allow them to
be what they are. This will, without any effort, keep the relationship
alive till we are alive.
 CHAPTER 26

A Glimpse into Married Life

I once visited a seventy-year-old woman known to me, after I heard that

she had fallen down when she was taking a walk one evening.

The woman had arthritis and had been advised to take a walk every day for
about ten to fifteen minutes. Her husband, who was unlike her, was quite hale
and healthy and made it a point to take her out for a walk every day.

During my earlier visits to their home, I had seen her husband taking good
care of her. She seemed to be suffering from all old age-related ailments, like
diabetes, high blood pressure and arthritis. I had seen him many times with a
glass of water in one hand and her tablets in the other, coaxing her to take her
tablets on time. Everyone who knew the couple believed they were made for
each other. There were even women among her family and friends who were
jealous of her.

Both the husband and wife treated me like their own daughter, maybe because
of the fact that her daughter was my very good friend and I had been a regular
visitor to their place since my childhood days.

As I was in in the process of writing this book, I managed to bring up the

topic of sex and marriage to get their views. I told them about a couple who
was regretting their marriage though they had been very recently married.
Then, all of a sudden, I asked them a question. “Marriage is fine, it is a
convenient concept, but what if the couple are not able to share enjoyable sex
with each other. What will they do as they are stuck with each other for the
rest of their lifetime?”

The woman immediately blurted out, despite her pain and her inability to talk
properly. “Whatever happened to me, that’s what will happen to everyone in
that case.” Her face showed all her pent-up feelings of not having been able
to enjoy good sex in her life. I was seriously taken aback. At this age, if
someone could complain about this, that too in front of her husband, I
wondered how much she would have been mentally and physically affected,
because of starvation of sex.

After a while, when the husband went into the kitchen to make coffee for us,
she told me, “You think he is bothered about my pain or something? As a
matter of fact, he took me to the doctor, got me the injections and medicines,
but never once did he ask me in these three days how I was feeling and if my
pain has subsided or anything.

There is absolutely no involvement. And the whole world is jealous of me

for having got such a husband, whereas I know what I have been going
through. He has never been interested in anything that I was interested in,
leave alone sex. When I watch a music programme on TV, he says it is noisy.
He expects me to switch off the TV. Or else he retreats into the bedroom
feigning sleep. We are the only two people living here. But he does not spend
even ten minutes sitting and talking to me. He is with his books or he is
sleeping or he is doing some household work. I have no one to talk to. Yes, I
get my medicines in hand on time, yes, he gives me all the material comforts
and takes care of me well. But I feel lonely. Do you know that I have never
been able to cook anything that I have wanted? Till date, I have cooked only
what he likes to eat.”
I said, “I am sure uncle would not have objected to your cooking what you
like as long as he gets what he wants.”

“Yes true, but I cannot keep cooking what he likes and what I like every time.
As it is, I spend most of my time only in the kitchen. I have sacrificed so
much for him to keep him happy. For the outside world, everything may seem
rosy in my life, but only I know what is happening inside.”

I have given this couple’s example as glimpse into the so-called successful
marriages.

Who is at fault and where is the problem? And how many people exist like
this in our society? Thousands, maybe lakhs, or even millions?

Is our life so cheap to be wasted like this? Do we want to end up regretting

our life in our deathbed?. Unless we live a complete life, I am sure we
cannot welcome death with both hands outstretched with the satisfaction of
having ‘lived’ our life.
 CHAPTER 27

Child’s Play

I n many homes, we have seen children getting together and ‘cooking.’

We may have also done this ourselves when we were children.
Children don’t even know how food is cooked. They only know a few
ingredients like rice, dal, wheat or vegetables that go into cooking. They
gather all these in small quantities and start ‘cooking’ in their small toy
utensils. They get so engrossed in ‘cooking’ that they don’t even pay heed to
what their parents are saying. Children are not bothered about the result, but
they are happy ‘cooking’ the whole day. At the end of it, they are completely
exhausted. Given a chance, they would do it again and again with vigour and
enjoyment.

Sex has to be like a child’s play. Just imagine if sex can be played like this
with all the happiness, energy and involvement that you can muster? Then can
sex ever lead to boredom? We would love to play it again and again. But
alas! We all take sex too seriously, because we are bothered about the end
result—the orgasm, and in most cases only one person’s orgasm.

The end result is relaxation of the body and the quenching of the body’s thirst.
We are all only obsessed about the end result and we forget the process. The
process is not enjoyed.
Beautiful sex is one in which we forget that one is a male and the other is a
female. Just like kids who are not bothered about who is a boy or who is a
girl and what each other’s roles are, sex too has to be enjoyed in a complete
state of bliss, without bothering about gender and roles. Just like all children
sit and cook together, sex too must be a fun act where everyone does
everything.

We must play in such a way that it gives pleasure to the soul and that pleasure
transcends into the body as well. Have we ever thought of sex giving
pleasure and comfort to the soul? We are with someone with whom we have
no shame and secrets. A body that clothes itself in front of others, making
sure the private parts are not seen or touched by others, gets freedom during
sex. It becomes shameless and takes pleasure in seeing and touching another
shameless person’s body. We become one in that sense. This nakedness is the
personification of the soul’s nakedness.
 CHAPTER 28

Myths about Love and Sex

Let me debunk some of the myths surrounding love and sex.

1. Love comes out of social standing, looks and beauty.

We are often confronted by these questions: What is not there in me
that you cannot love me? Am I not good-looking? Am I not educated?
Am I not earning well? What have you found in him/her that is not
there in me?
Love is beyond all this. One cannot explain in so many words why we
get attracted to a particular person.
This myth creates jealousy. When a person we love does not love us,
we may even go to the extent of killing him or her. Remember that no
one is inferior or superior in the matters of love. It is just the energy
that happens or does not happen naturally.
2. A great sexual act in bed can be emotionally satisfying. No, sex with
great emotions can only be sexually and emotionally satisfying.
3. Women after menopause lose interest in sex because of body
conditions. No, an understanding, energetic partner can always keep
the woman interested in sex if she is healthy.
 When a man or a woman has another partner, their love for his or her
4. spouse has vanished. No, this is only an assumption. Just leave him/her
without asking any embarrassing questions. Just believe that your
partner loves you more than anyone else in the world.
5. If someone is not possessive, then he or she does not love us and is
being indifferent to us. No, we can only possess lifeless things. What
is full of life can love only when allowed full freedom.
6. Only a man gets aroused by certain parts of a woman’s body. Well,
certain parts of a man’s body, when exposed, arouse the woman too.
You see, it is all in the mind and both the genders have minds.
 CHAPTER 29

A Conformist View

H aving talked about sex and the way it has become a perversion
because of the suppression of knowledge and sharing some liberal
views on marriage and sex, let me finally come to the conformist view of sex
within marriage and how a marriage can work well, with satisfactory
exchange of sex.

Marriage and sex within marriage is a beautiful, thought-out concept. But

somewhere, we have missed out the basics required to make the concept
work for both people involved in a marriage.

We acquire many friends through our journey and there are lifelong
friendships too. How does this work? Probably no one thinks about it deeply.
Friendship is made out of choice. Unintentionally, two people get attracted to
each other. If we give it a thought, we will realise that there is a common
thread connecting two friends. The common thread would be their common
interests. It may be very small things, but only the small things, which give
small, intermittent pleasures, keep our life interesting. It could be an interest
in a particular sport, music, movies, travelling and so many other things.
These interests act as a bridge between friends. They may not have thought
about it, but that’s how it happens.
Let us take our parents or siblings whom we grow up with. Though we have
all been living close to each other under the same roof, we are all not the
same. Our interests are not the same, our viewpoints are not the same. There
are many differences between us. Fortunately, sometimes, the interests are the
same and that’s when friendship blooms between the people at home.

The moment children start becoming independent, the gap with their parents
slowly sets in. Even under the same roof, the children and parents are doing
different things. Life keeps moving like this. The children love spending time
with their friends rather than the parents. Parents are there for their
convenience. This is not to blame anyone, this is quite natural. How long can
a mom or dad sit with children who have different interests in life and vice
versa? There may be love between them, but love alone cannot make life
interesting.

I wonder how many people look for common interests in a marriage, whether
it is an arranged marriage or a love marriage. Generally, physical attraction,
societal status, family background, education, etc., are looked for. This is not
wrong. However, along with this, one must also look for common interests,
but we fail to do so.

Any relationship will be interesting till the time we explore each other
completely. It could take a few months for some and it could be a few years
for others, but one fine day, when we know everything about the other person,
the interest vanishes and there comes a time when both people are taken for
granted. There are people who make efforts at keeping their life interesting,
to make their marriage work. This effort would include compromises, which
means doing things that we would not like to do normally. But how long can
one keep doing things that he/she does not want to do for the sake of keeping
the other person happy? Then comes monotony. We go to office, we keep the
house clean, we take care of the children, and we plan for their future. Are
we not losing our lives in the process?
Think of this situation. The husband is crazy about rock music and the wife
loves to listen to melodious songs in a peaceful atmosphere. When the
husband switches on his favourite music, the whole house reverberates with
rock music. What does the woman do? She just waits for her husband to go
out for a while so that she can listen to melodies in peace. Or it can happen
other way around. The dominant person enjoys his/her life, while the
submissive one waits for his/her opportunity.

Let us assume the husband prefers to confine himself to a comfortable air-

conditioned room to take a break from his routine. What if the wife wants to
walk amidst nature? The man has to take a break alone and the woman too
has to take hers alone. This slowly results in a breakup in the relationship.

If the husband and the wife cannot be together during a break and spend
joyful moments together, what is the point of marriage, which expects two
people to be partners for life? In the eyes of the society, theirs may be a
successful marriage as long as they are under the same roof, but their lives
are a failure.

When two people have common interests (six out of ten matches at least),
there is no need to make efforts to keep the relationship interesting. When
they are together, they can do these common things together. They can hold
each other’s hands and take a walk amidst nature. They can switch on rock
music and dance to the tune. They can explore a Chinese restaurant that has
opened up newly in their locality. The other four things can be done when
one is alone and when the partner is not available to give company. This is
real partnership, not waiting for the other person to move out so that we can
be left alone and enjoy what we want to enjoy!

Enjoyment from sex depends on how good we are at making the other person
enjoy it. Or else, the common interest of sex will serve no purpose in keeping
people together. Potato can be a favourite vegetable for both people. But if
one likes it fried and the other likes it boiled, there could be a problem. The
solution could be to fry potatoes some days and boil them on other days. Sex
too is like that. The couple must be able to give in to each other’s interest and
preference. So, at the end of the day, the common interest of sex cannot be
taken for granted, hoping it will keep the relationship interesting and make
both people happy all the time.

Sex is very important and can keep two people together, but how long can
two people keep having sex? Spending quality time, not just with the kids,
but also with the spouse matters a lot. The time spent can be called ‘quality’
time only if both people enjoy doing certain things together, without making a
conscious effort to keep the other person happy. It would naturally bring in
happiness, as both people are doing what they like, with the person they like.

How many of us think of all these things before taking a call on whom to
marry? Even after marriage, we can acquire each other’s interests. These are
like ‘acquired tastes.’ Try to understand what makes something so interesting
for the partner. See if that is something that can be learnt. Maybe over a
period of time, you will start finding it interesting, after all! Be a little
flexible in your thoughts. Don’t think you do not know something and
therefore you cannot enjoy it. Do not feel that just because your spouse likes
something, you will give him or her company during that particular activity.
How long can you do this? Not forever! Think of the years ahead of you.
Make a little effort to acquire an interest in the activity, so that both of you
will have something in common to spend time on. This will keep you
together.

If it is only sex that unites people, it is definitely a pathetic marriage, how

much ever both of you are interested in it. What will happen during the rest of
the time when you are not having sex?
Life partnership is not about just taking care of each other by earning,
managing the house and nurturing the kids. The relationship between the
husband and wife should also be nurtured. It has to be nurtured without much
of an effort, without having to feel that one is compromising or sacrificing.
Only then the relationship can survive. Otherwise, only the institution called
‘marriage’ will survive, the relationship will suffer.

As far as common knowledge goes, we all have been given one life. Let us
make the most of it while we are still alive, without having to wait for the
next life, which may or may not happen. Even if it happens, we will not know
what we will be born as and whether there is any certainty of a ‘life’ in that
life too.
 CHAPTER 30

Need of the Hour and Hope for the

Future

O f late, due to widely reported cases of child molestation and rapes,

people have become sensitive to the aspects of good and bad
touches. There is an increasing awareness of what is acceptable and what is
not and boys and girls are being taught about this. This is a good beginning in
terms of safeguarding the interests of children and women. As long as we
have not been able to eradicate offences, we must keep creating defences. We
must also create an awareness among parents and other elders to teach and
demonstrate to young boys the need to respect women at home and at large.
And sex has to necessarily be taken out of its closet and has to form part of
healthy conversations that we do have with our kids, so that myths are
addressed and their doubts cleared.

If this transition happens in our hitherto male-dominated, women-objectifying

society, we can hope to see positive changes in the way sex is perceived and
handled. Maybe a day will come when we need not be bothered about
defensive mechanisms. This is the day when a man and a woman, when they
are in bed together, will enjoy a great union of the mind and the body. That
day, we would become oblivious of gender differences in the pure pleasure
of our soul.
Here I quote one of the women who had responded to Nancy Friday’s call
for women to share their sexual fantasies, for her book The Secret Garden .

“I don’t pretend to know what makes people work, but I’d be willing to bet
that if more people were more open and let themselves go during sex, their
brains as well as their bodies, the world would be a better place. I doubt if
so many people would be so aggressive and power-crazy if they found a
suitable sex partner who would accept all of them. If people could free
themselves of deep-rooted sex guilt, they’d spend more time becoming good
lovers and wouldn’t have so much time for revenge and wars. Good sex
makes my husband and me very mellow. Who would think of hating and
fighting and plotting to get someone else if they’d just been very sexually
satisfied, no matter what means they employed to reach that happy goal? Not
many, I’ll bet.”

Sex has become so complicated. It is a subject that needs to be talked about

in length, as it is a part and parcel of every individual’s life. We need more
dialogues and debates around it to make it simple (or maybe even make it
more complicated!)

I do not expect everyone who has read this book to agree with all the points I
have made. The views expressed in this book are, like what Wordsworth
called his poetry, “the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings” of mine.

If this book triggers one or two minds to ponder over at least one or two of
the points raised, I would be happy and be rest assured that I have achieved
my purpose of writing this book.

Wish you an enjoyable journey through your life.

Thank you once again for having picked up The Toilet Seat .

Love,
Latha
 About the Author

Latha, who was born and brought up in Chennai, Tamil Nadu, has been
writing poetry since the age of twenty, giving vent to her pent-up emotions.

She has always been questioning the validity of many of our social norms and
the hypocrisies hidden under the garb of tradition and culture—in her family
and in society at large, where she witnessed the stealthy and shocking acts of
people, which made her realise that appearances are often deceptive.

Driven by the urge to talk her mind out, Latha started publishing a monthly
magazine titled The Way Forward, which she used as a medium to voice out
her views on subjects like religion and education. However, the magazine
could not be continued after seven issues.

The Toilet Seat is her first attempt at writing a book.

For Feedback on the book: thetoiletseat@outlook.com

https://www.facebook.com/latha.balasubramanian