René van Stijn – 10 Oct 2022 – 2 Book Points

The Mask of Masculinity – Lewis Howes

A critical and practical analysis based on my learnings from the book and a comparison to other authors.

Thana A. J. Bos
Team Academy Amsterdam

When I learned about the book Lewis Howes was writing about masculinity, I was instantly intrigued.
In his podcast; ‘The School of Greatness’, Howes interviews highly accomplished people to share
their stories of success. What always stands out to me from his episodes is how he interviews his
guests and carries himself. To me, he is the epidemy of someone who walks the fine line between
having a student mindset and being confident in himself. When I learned about the book he wrote
about ‘Masks of Masculinity’, I was intrigued. I felt like this was my opportunity to learn more about
Lewis’s story and how he got to where he is today. The goal I had in mind while reading this book
was to become more confident in my masculinity. Instead of portraying some fake kind of
confidence, I wanted to learn about how I could build strong relationships by opening up more. All
my life, I have been a relatively closed-of person. I was therefore expecting ‘The Mask of Masculinity’
to give me some answers to why I am this way and some potential strategies for dealing with it.

Keywords: masculinity, confidence, relationships, success

Summary
‘The Mask of Masculinity’ (Howes, 2017) introduces the nine ‘masks’ men wear to prove their worth as a man. It is an
exploration into the coping strategies many men use to deal with the weight that they and society put on their shoulders.
As a result of these masks, many men live lives void of deep connections and meaning. Lewis makes the case that what it
means to be ‘a real man’ does not have to be defined by mainstream culture. Masculinity should not be something we need
to prove to the world; it should be about pursuing one’s dreams and having an impact by uplifting instead hurting others.
The nine masks’ men wear are: the stoic mask, the athlete mask, the material mask, the sexual mask, the aggressive mask,
the joker mask, the invincible mask, the know-it-all mask, and the alpha mask. By understanding and learning about these
masks, readers can create awareness about the coping mechanisms that prevent them from becoming who they want to be.
Removing these masks is part of a shift from “How can I gain the most for myself” to “How can I serve those around me”.
Instead of using superficial markers of success to cover up insecurities, it is about having the courage to be vulnerable at
times. Moreover, it allows one to be authentic and focus on leaving earth a better place than they found it. Lastly, Howes
makes the case that on one’s deathbed, what matters is the relationships we had and our capacity to love and be loved.

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Comparing & Contradicting
One of my favourite quotes that is relevant to ‘The Masks of Masculinity’ comes from Henry Devid Thoreau who states:
“Most men live lives of quiet desperation”. It cuts right to the core of what Howes (2017) explores in his book. From an
early age, boys are thought that they are expected to live up to a very rigid expectation of what it means to be a man. For
many, these lives end up being deeply meaningless. In our day and age, much of this starts when people start getting into
the ‘rate race’. As Dave Ramsey states: “We buy things we do not need with money we do not have to impress people we
do not like”. This starts a deeply unfulfilling perpetuating cycle which leaves men without control and hopeless. All to prove
their worth as a man to those around them. Even though we might not even like these people. The key to breaking this cycle
is to take responsibility for your life based on what you genuinely want instead of what society wants for you. This
opportunity usually takes place when you are young, and you do not have many responsibilities.

Moreover, we now live in a time where ‘toxic masculinity’ is becoming the new catchphrase. Howes (2017) seems to be
playing into this narrative. Although I recognize the utility of removing the ‘masks’ men wear, there is also a case to be
made that these masks are what make men virtuous. For example, a harmless man is not a good man; a good man is a
dangerous man who has it under control (Peterson, 2018). This fine balance is crucial to consider when Howes (2017)
discusses taking off the ‘aggressive mask’ for example. To be harmless is not a virtue. Perhaps we should not aim to remove
our ‘masks’, but start using the virtues they point at more positively.

Although Howes’ (2017) message might be powerful for highly masculine men, it might not be suited for most modern-
day men. Judging from the success Jordan Peterson (Peterson, 2018) is having with a more male-empowering message
there seems to be a high cultural appetite for the opposite massage. One which encourages men to become more dangerous,
grow mental fortitude, and take risks. While Howes (2017) seems to have a generally negative perception of societal norms,
Peterson (2018) seems to encourage their enforcement. This difference might be the result of a difference in perspective.
Howes is a highly successful masculine figure, while Peterson and his audience are generally not. In general, one must first
understand and master the ‘rules’ to break them effectively (Manson, 2016). It seems wise to not throw out the proverbial
baby with the bathwater but to first understand the utility of traditional masculine norms. In the end, it all comes down to
balance; to become an integrated human being, one must use different tools depending on the context.

As for the cause of the tension many boys feel between who they are and who they ought to be, Howes (2017) attributes
most of this to harsh socialization. Although this is certainly true, personal differences also play a key role in this dynamic.
Contrary to Howes (2017), Maté (2022) takes a more holistic approach when it comes to understanding and dealing with
coping mechanisms. Understood in the light of Maté’s work, the nine masks are reactions to not only societal norms but
also to early life experiences. These, in turn, shape our personalities (Zhao & Seibert, 2006) and have a lasting impact on
how we deal with the norms put onto us by society. ‘The Masks of Masculinity’ can be seen more as an exploration of the
various coping mechanisms men often resort to while ‘The Myth of Normal’ (Maté, 2022) takes a more individual
approach. What both Howes and Maté agree on is that reconnecting with our emotions is a major step to living a good life.
The repression of natural emotions is what causes many modern-day illnesses (Maté, 2022). The key to taking off ones
specific ‘masks’ is to first understand where they came from and what utility they have.

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What I have Learned
Most importantly, ‘The Mast of Masculinity’ has created awareness around the masks I wear and how these impact my
day-to-day life. These coping strategies play a significant role in the difficulty I have in truly connecting with the people
around me. The masks I recognize most in myself are the stoic, athlete, and know-it-all masks. The tricky thing is that these
masks have also helped me to get to where I am right now. What is more, wearing them often gets rewarded by those around
us. However, what got me to where I am now obviously will not necessarily get me to where I want to go next. Problems
arise when my self-worth becomes wrapped up in winning and wanting to be someone that I am not. What I have learned
is that it is not necessary to go ‘all in’ and be completely vulnerable; it depends on the context of the situation and the people
I am around. As a result of learning about the nine masks men wear, I am more aware of these coping mechanisms.
Moreover, my view of masculinity has changed to one that is more about giving than taking. Sometimes, this requires taking
off your masks. Especially when around those that are closest to us.

‘The Mast of Masculinity’ has given me various insights into the masks I wear and how they impact my life. As stated, the
masks I recognize myself wearing are the stoic, athlete, and know-it-all masks. From an incredibly early age, I had the drive
to be athletically superior. However, after reaching several of my athletic and physical goals, I have learned that it is not
about outperforming others but about improving myself. Challenging myself physically is something I regard as extremely
important because it prepares me to face other difficulties in my life. What I learned to be key is to recognize why I am
driven towards a specific athletic goal or pursuit. Besides, the stoic and know-it-all masks manifest themselves as never
asking for help and being almost ‘cold’ in my communication. I tend to strongly separate my personal and professional life,
even though I know that they could benefit from each other. As a result of these masks, I find it difficult to connect with
people on a deep level. I learned that these coping mechanisms are likely a result of my upbringing. From a young age, I
learned that it is important to be independent of others. To this day, this is one of my biggest goals. However, I now
recognize that this strategy will not bring me any fulfilment in the long term. Life is about relationships.

My Opinion
Learning about the nine masks of masculinity seems to me to be extremely useful in recognizing the coping mechanisms
one is using. However, I do not believe that this book should be taken as a prescription to solve the issues many men face.
Since Howes has extremely specific life circumstances that have shaped his view of the world, his advice might not apply to
everyone. Many men nowadays would likely profit more from implementing the positive elements of these ‘masks’ into
their lives and personalities. For example, developing yourself personally by becoming more mentally tough, developing
your physique, and learning to make money seem to be extremely valuable to me. However, where I do agree with Howes
is that these things become a problem when one starts to attach their manhood to these things. Understanding this risk and
the pressures societal norms put on us is useful, but the key is to find balance. Moreover, much of the context discussed in
the book seems to be most applicable to the United States. My experience of masculinity and the norms society places on
boys is by no means as extreme as that of Howes. It is therefore important to understand both the author and the context
in which the book was written. In conclusion, ‘The Mask of Masculinity’ is a great read for men who want to get a better
understanding of how their coping mechanisms shape them, but it should not be taken as a prescription.

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Application of Knowledge
As stated, I learned a lot from the book, but my life experience has been vastly different from that of Lewis. Instead of being
the star athlete growing up, I was more insecure about my athletic abilities. However, as a young boy, you are thought that
athleticism, money, and being the alpha makes you attractive as a man. This drove me to overcompensate. For me, it was
always about living up to the expectations I thought I had to live up to. However, as I aged, I realized that I did not want my
life to be dictated by what other people wanted from me. I see the knowledge gained from this book as a proverbial failsafe;
something I can fall back on if I notice that I am overcompensating for something.

Most importantly, I am actively learning to apply the positive aspects of the nine masks to my everyday life. By using them
to encourage and empower, I believe that these masks will serve me well. Moreover, I am taking Howes up on his advice of
finding taking off some of the masks I might wear around people I trust. For me, this is around my family and specific
friends. It is my goal to not let these coping mechanisms prevent me from connecting with those around me or asking for
help when needed. Practically, I am now starting to ask people for help and input more often.

Conclusion
Overall, ‘The Mask of Masculinity’ introduces the coping mechanisms men use to prove their worth as a man as a reaction
to societal norms around masculinity. Learning about these masks is a great starting point for diving into what is holding
one back from living a fulfilling life. What makes these ‘masks’ hurtful is when they prevent one from forming strong
relationships. As Howes states, these relationships are the foundation for a life of fulfilment. Taking off these masks does
not mean that one must give up masculinity; it means seeing masculinity in a different light. Instead of masculinity being
about competing and winning, it should be about serving the community and leaving earth a better place than we found it.
In short, men can learn to take off their masks and be more of a man, not less.

References
Howes, L. (2017). The Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live
Their Fullest Lives. New York, NY: Rodale Books.

Manson, M. (2016). The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Harper.

Maté, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture. New York City: Avery.

Peterson, J. (2018). 12 Rules For Life. Toronto: Random House Canada.

Zhao, H., & Seibert, E. (2006). The Big Five personality dimensions and entrepreneurial status: A meta-analytical review.
Journal of Applied Psychology, 259–271.