AL. Was this a Korean deli? MARK This was a kosher from Jensalem deli. “Oh we don’t carry thas sir,” he says to me. “Hive some tongue.” AL. Mmm, MARK. 1 just got into 2 cab, the guy says he doesnt go to ‘56th Street! He offers to take me to Newark instead! AL. Mahim, MARK. Looking at me AL. Mark. Setde down, MARK. "Oh T don't go ther, si.” AL. Settle down, Take a breath MARK. Do you know what this is? AL. Sure, MARK. What is it? What's happening to me? AL. Don't panic. You're ina Philadelphia, MARK. I'm in a what? AL. You're in a Philadelphia, That's all MARK Bat I'm in — At Nes: Physically you are in New York. But metaphyscally Yyou are in a Philadelphia. MARK. I've never heard of this! AL. You see, inside of what we know as reality there are {hese pockets, these black holes called Philadelphias, If you fall into one, you run up against exactly the kinda shit that's been happening to you all day. MARK.” Why? tke T'm au alien oF something! AL. Because in a Philadelphia, no matter what you aik for, you can't get it. You ask for something, they're not gonna have it. You want to do something, it ain't gonna get done ou want to go somewhere, you can’t get there from here MARK. "Good God. So this is very setious. AL. Just remember, Marcus. This is a condition named for {he town that invented the chase seak Something that nobody in his right mind would willingly ask for, MARK And I thought I was just having a very bad day AL. Sure. Millions of people have spent entire lifetines fide 2 Philadelphia and never even knew it. Look atthe city of Philadelphia itself. Hopelessly trapped forever inside a nPhiladelphia. And do they know i MARK. Well what can T do? Should I just kill myself now and get it over with? AL. You try & kill yourself in a Philadelphia, you're only ‘gonna get hurt, babe. MARK.” So what do I do? AL. Best thing you can do is wait it out. Someday the great commic train wil whisk you outa the City of Brotherly Love and off to someplace happier. MARK. Youve pretty goddamn mellow today. “AL. Yeah well Everybody has to be someplace. (Waitress en- ts) WAITRESS. Is your name Allen Chase? AL. tis indeed. WAITRESS. There was a phone call for you. Your boss? AL. Okay, WAITRESS. He says you're fired, AL. Cool! Thanks. (Waisass exit.) So anyway, you have this problem .. MARK. ‘Did she just say you got fied? “AL. Yeah. I wonder what happened to my pig’ fet . MARK. Al — You loved your job! AL. Hey. No sweat MARK. How can you be so calm? . “AL. Easy. You'e in a Philadelphia? woke up in a Los An~ geles, And life is beautifull You know Susie packed up and left me this moming. MARK. Susie left you? AL. And franlly, Seareu, T don’t give @ shit. Tsay, go and God bless and nay your dating pool be Olympicsized. MARK. But your job? The garment district is your fet AL. So I'll tum it into a movie script and sell it to Para ‘mount. Toss in some sex, add 2 litle emotional blak bala, pitch it to Jack and Dusty, you got a buddy movie with a gure ment backgrourd. Not relevant enough? We'll throw in the hole in the ozone, make it E.C. MARK. EG? "AL, Environmentally correct. Have you heard about this Bhhole in the ozone? MARK. Sure Ab: , Mateus I love this concept. 1 ambrac this orone. Sure, some people are gonna get hurt in the process, meaning ‘everybody else'll tan a lite faster, MARK. (Quit hoor) So this is @ Los Angeles AL. Well. Everybody has to be someplace MARK. Wow. AL, You want my advice? Enjy your Philadlpia Sit back and ‘order yourself a beer and a burger and chill out for a whale MARK, But I can't order anything. Life is great for you out SHEEE om Your cosmic beach, but whatever Jak for, Tll get 4 cheese steak or something. AL, No. There's a very simple rule of thumb in a Philadet AL; if you can't get what you atk for, ask for the opposite and you'll gt what you want You want the Dasy Nese eee the Times You want pastami, alk for onus MARK on AL: | Works great with women. What is more opposite than the opposite sex? MARK. Ubhuh AL, So. Would you like a Bude MARKT sure coud we a Ae gh ®: SOP: (Vey delierte) Do you wan. « Budd MARK. "(Ali dab) Not don wot Bud dete ‘ters and ges othe cals bord) AL, Good. Now there's the wtest Order yourself a But od a burger. But do not ai for a Bud ands barges Waitress! AL. | Don't call her. She won't come, MARK. On, Abe oeuT® Jn a Philadelphia, so just figure, fuck her MARK. Fuck her AL. You don’t need that waitress, MARK. Fuck that waitress. AL. And everything to do with her. ”MARK, Ho, waioess? FUCK YOU! (Waits turns to him.) WAITRESS. "Can T help you, sr? AL. That's how you get service in a Philadelphia, WAITRESS. Can T help you? MARK. Uh — no thanks. WAITRESS, Okay, whatll you have? (Takes out her pad.) AL. Exceilent MARK. Well — how about some OJ. WAITRESS. Sony. Squeezer’s broken. MARK. A glase of mill? WAITRESS. © Cow's dry. MARK. Egg nog? WAITRESS, Just ran out MARK. Cuppa coffee? WAITRESS. Oh we don't have that, siz. (Mark and Al ex ‘hange @ lok, and nod. The Waitess has spoken the magic words.) MARK. Got any ale? WAITRESS, Nope. MARK Stout? WAITRESS, Nope. MARK Porter? WAITRESS. Just beer. MARK That's oo bad, How about a Heineken? WAITRESS, Heineken? Try again. MARK. Rolling Rock? WAITRESS. Outa stock. MARK. Schlitz? WAITRESS. Nix MARK. Beck’? WAITRESS, Next. MARK. Sapporo? WAITRESS. Tomorrow. MARK Lone Star? WAITRESS. Hardyhar. MARK. Bud Lite? WAITRESS. Just plain Bud is all we got. MARK. No ihanks. WAITRESS, (Calls) Gimme a Bud! (To Mart) Anything to eat? 0MARK Nope, WAITRESS." Name it MARK Pork ctops. WATTRESS. | (Wries doun,) Hamburger WAITRESS. Weil done. MARK. "Baked potato, WAITRESS. Fries... AL _Enalent. You sure you've never done this before? TORE fM® SPE 80 much of my ie asking for the wrong une without knowing it, doing it on purpose comes can AL.” T hear you MARK, T could've saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd screwed up on purpose all those years. Maybe I was in Philadelphia all along and never knew it! IE santot might've Been in a Balimore. They're practically the same. (Waitnssentes, with « glas of ber and a plete) TAAITRESS, | Okay. Here's your Bud. (St that in fromt of (Mark) And one cheese steak. (She sets that in front of A, ang Starts to go) AL. Excuse me, Hey. Wait a minute. What is tha? WAITRESS. It's a cheese steak eo prrNeag! ordered cream of kidney and wo pairs of feet. WAITRESS. Oh we don’t have thas sir AL. 1 beg your pardon? WATTRESS. We don’t have that, sr. (Small pause) pao) You son of a bitch! Pm in your Philadelphia! Tm sorry, Al Ae yc2O4 brought me into your Fucking Phitadephia! MARK. I didn’t know it was contagious. Deve 8 Ged, please don’t let me be in a Philadelphia! Don’t let me be ina — Shouldn't you ask for the opposite? 1 mean, since abyou're in a Philad — ‘AL. Don’t you tell me about life in 2 Philadelphia MARK. Maybe you're not really — ‘AL. T taught you everything you know about Philly, asshole. Don't tell me how to actin a Philadelphia! MARK. But maybe you'e not really in a Philadelphia! AL. Do you see the cheese on that steak? What do I need for proof? The fucking Litty Ball? Waitress, bring me a glass of water. WAITRESS. Water? Don't have that, sr AL. (To Mark) "We don't have wate” —? What, you think we're in a sudden drought or something? (Suddenly realizes) Holy shit, T just lost my job..t Susie left met T goua make some phone calls! (To Waitress) ‘Scuse me, where's the pay phone? WAITRESS. Sorry, we don’t have a pay ph — AL. OF course you don't have a pay phone, of course you don’t! Oh shit, let me oura here! (Esis:) MARK. I don’t know. Its not that bad in a Philadelphia, WAITRESS. Could be vorse. I've been in a Cleveland all week. MARK. Cleveland. What's that like? WAITRESS, "Its like death, without the advantages. MARK. Really. Care to sand? : WAITRESS. Don’t mind if I do. (She sis.) MARK. I hope you won't reveal your name. WAITRESS. » Sharon, MARK. (Holds out his hand.) Good-bye. WAITRESS. Hello. (Tie shake) MARK. (Indicating the chase steak) Want to starve? WAITRESS. Thanks! (She picks up the chase stack and starts, ating) MARK. Yeah, everybody has to be someplace .. (Laans arose the table with 2 smile) So BLACKOUT cyPROPERTY LIST Pad (WAITRESS) Pencil (WAITRESS) Giaos of beer (WAITRESS) ‘Plate with cheese steak (WAITRESS) 8sVARIATIONS ON THE DEATH OF TROTSKYThis play is for Fred Sanders, ‘fire apprecaton of the smi pusibilities of mountain-climbers’ axesSuRRt of ALL IN THE TIMING a Primary Stages (Casey Ghulds, Artisic Director), in New York City, in December, Theatre (Steve Kaplan, Arise Di. Feat in New York Cig, in January, 1091, It wat directed by Jyon McConnell Buzas; the set design was by Vaugha faterson; the costume design was by Sharon Lynch; the light: ing design was by Pat Dignan and the stage manager Seo Kathryn Maloney. The cast was as follows: TROTSKY ccsonsne vnnmeeDaniel Hagen, MRS. TROTSKY, nnn NOR Mae Ly RAMON, at Steven Rodrigue Ae later Punch Line performances, the part of Mrs. Trotsky was played by Alison Martin. 37THE CHARACTERS Ma aeaY Zi Tea revolutionary in fll Nourish; bushy de 24 onte: smal glasses dark hea suit and ack suing tie thee, MROTSKY — grandmotherly and sweet; arkletength des, high-butten shoes and shaw! ZAMON — young and handsome; sombrero, seraoe, huara ches and guitar THE SETTING ‘Trotsy's study. noah cawered with books and papers. A miror hanging on {Pe wal. A chair behind the desk and another besiie Se oor, ef. Lowered windows upstage, tcigh which ‘an glimpse lush tropical fronds and greenery, “A large wall calendar announces that today is August 21, 1940, iVARIATIONS ON THE DEATH OF TROTSKY Wp om Trysting at is dk, writing foul Pl ot sn ein VARIATION ONE OTS te tr ge Fern ge co tn gia ee ae ge ene cs ise Boe i on ay tae lS a oa bral Wong Lac Se aa) oe a ea ct toa nore arpa ma Sa CoS ST. Sots Trotsky "Senge sa rat a uy | ay tas ae a a ren Ban 89TROTSKY. And we have a Spanish gardener named. Ramon — ? MRS. TROTSKY. Mercader. Ye. TROTSKY. Hmm... There aren't any oder Trotsky’s living in Goyoacan, are there? MRS. TROTSKY. I don’t think so. Not under that name. TROTSKY, What is the date today? MRS. TROTSKY. (Looks at the calendar) August 2st, 1940. TROTSKY. Aha! Then I'm safe! That article says it hap- pened on the 20th, which means i€ wouldve happened yest day. MRS. TROTSKY. But Leon TROTSKY. And I'd be dead today, with a mountain- climber’s axe in my skull MRS. TROTSKY. Um — Leon ‘TROTSKY. Will the capitalist press newer get things righ? (He resumes writing.) MRS. TROTSKY. But Leon .. isn't that the handle of a ‘mountainclimber's axe, sticking out of your skull? (Trashy laks into @ mirror) TROTSKY. "It certainly does look like ore... And you know, Ramon was in here yesterday, telling me about his mountain. climbing wip. And now I think of i, he vas carmying a moun- tainclimber's axe. I can't remember if he had et when he left the room... Did Ramon report to work today? (Trotsy die, falling fact forward onto his deck. A bell ving.) VARIATION TWO Trothy resumes writing. TROTSKY. “No one is safe. Force must be wed..! And the revolution of the proletariat against oppression must go on forever and forever." MRS. TROTSKY. Leon TROTSKY. “And forever!” 90MRS. TROTSKY. Leon, I was jst reading the encyclopedia, TROTSKY. Is it the Britannica? MRS. TROTSKY. Listen to this. TROTSKY. | (To audiencr) The universe 38 viewed by the viciors. MRS. TROTSKY. “On August 204s, 1940, 4 Spanish Conan plat named Ramon Mercader smashed a mountain-cimber's axe into Trotsky’ skull in Coyoacan, a suburb of Mexico City ‘Trowsly died the next day." TROTSKY. (Impationt) Yes? And? MRS. TROTSKY. 1 think that there's a mountain-climbor's axe in your ovm skull right now. TROTSKY. | knew tat! When I was shaving this morning, T noticed handle sticking out of the back of my head, Fao & Moment I thought it was an ice pick $0 at frst I was wor. ried, MRS. TROTSKY. No, it’s not an ice pick. TROTSKY. Don’t even say the wordt You know my recurring nightmare. MRS. TROTSKY, Yes, dear. TROTSKY. About the ice pick that buries ite in my sh MRS. TROTSKY. » Yes, TROTSKY. That is why I have forbidden any of the servants to allow ice picks into the house MRS. TROTSKY. But Leon — TROTSKY. No one may be seen with an ice pick in this house. Bxpecially not Spanish Communists, MRS. TROTSKY. "But Leon — TROTSKY. We'll do without ice, We'll drink our liquor neat and our Coca-Cola warm. Who cares if this is Coyoacan in ‘August, — Not a bad song title, that. “Coyoacan im August” Falk well et Hee, but we just won'e pick atk Lee will be allowed into the house in biocks, but may not be picked or chipped under any circumstances — at least, not with ice Picks. Tce-cube trays will also be allowed, if they've been in ented yet. 'l bet this article doesn’ say anything about an icecule tray in my skull, does it? MRS. TROTSKY. No .. TROTSKY. Does ig oyMRS. TROTSKY. _No. ‘TROTSKY. HA! I've outsmarted destiny! (To audimce) Which is only a capitalist explanation for the status quol MRS. TROTSKY. Leon TROTSKY. Alto — look at this. Helis up « skull) Do you kaow what thi i? MRS. TROTSKY. No. ‘TROTSKY. T's a skull MRS. TROTSKY. Well T knew that, but — TROTSKY. 1 bought this skull. Town this skull So what does that make this? (Pause) MRS. TROTSKY and TROTSKY. (Togeth,) Trotsiy's skull. TROTSKY. If some Spanish-Communistposingava-gardener wants to bury anything in my skull, be ica... (He i about 1 say “ie fick”). yowknowwhat or anything else — this will be: here as'a decoy. He'll sce the skull, recognize it a8 my skull, Dury something in it, and he'll go his way and Tll go mine. 1s that ingenious? MRS. TROTSKY. Up to a point. TROTSKY. Fity more years of Trowsky! MRS. TROTSKY. I have some bad news for you, Leon. (Shows him the entry in the englpedia,) TROTSKY, A mountainclimber's axe..? Ingenicus! (Trotsky dies. Ball) : VARIATION THREE He looks ap at her TROTSKY. Funny. 1 always thought it was an ice pick. MRS. TROTSKY. A mountain-limber’s axe! A mountain. dlimters axe! CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR SKULL? (Trotshy dies. Bll)VARIATION FouR Trot begins to pace TROTSKY. This is very bad news, This is serions MRS. TROTSKY. What is serious, Leon? TROTSRY. L have @ mowntainclimber axe buried in my shu! MRS. TROTSKY, Smashed. Actually. It says Mercndter “smashed” the axe into your skul, not “buried” TROTSKY. All right, all right. What am I going to do? TROTSKY "So much for the usefulness of that encyclopedia, Al ight, then, have until midnight at the latese MRS TROTSKY. What should I tell the cook about supper? TROTSKY. Well she can forget the soup course. (Trtty a 10 the flor and dies} MRS. TROTSKY. ‘Nyet, nye, nyt! (Bel) VARIATION FIVE TROTSKY. But this man is a gardener, MRS. TROTSKY. Yes. TROTSKY. Atleast he's been posing as a gardener. MRS. TROTSKY. Yes. TROTSKY. Doesn't that make him a member of the prole tariae? MRS. TROTSKY. Td say 20, TROTSKY, Then what's he doing smashing a mountain« limber's axe into my skull? MES TROTSKY. T'don't know. Have you been oppreningTROTSKY. Why would Ramon have done thie to me? (He holds up the skull, Hamlet ike.) MRS. TROTSKY. | Maybe he's a iterlist. ‘TROTSKY. A what? MRS. TROTSKY. A literalist. Maybe Ramon ran into Manvel yesterday. You know — Manuel? The head gardener? TROTSKY. 1 know who Manuel is. MRS. TROTSKY. T know you know who Manuel is. TROTSKY. (As Ralph Kranden,) One of these days, Mrs. Trotsky MRS. TROTSKY. Maybe Ramon asked him, “Will Mr. ‘Trotsky have time to look at the nasturtiums today?” And maybe Manuel said, “I don’t know — ate Mr. Troshy.” HA HA HA HA HA HAL ‘TROTSKY. Very funny. MRS. TROTSKY. Or maybe he was just hotto-trotshy. ‘TROTSKY. Oh very, very funny — MRS. TROTSKY. Or maybe he just wanted 10 .. pick your rain! HOO HOO HEE HEE HAA HAA! TROTSKY. Stop itl Sip itt (He die) MRS. TROTSKY. HA HA HA HA HA HA! (Bell) VARIATION srx . ‘TROTSKY. Call Ramon in here, MRS. TROTSKY. Ramon! TROTSKY. You'd beter get him quickly. I have a mountain- limber's axe buried in my skull MRS. TROTSKY. Ramon! Come quickly! (Ramon enter) ‘TROTSKY. Good morning, Ramon, RAMON. Good morning, Sefior. (They shaky hands) TROTSKY. Have a seat, plese. (To Mes. Trshy) You see — wwe have very good employer-employee relations here. (To Ramon.) Ramon, did you bury this mountainclimber's axe in ry skull? RAMON, I did not bury it sir. I smashed it into your skull, TROTSKY. Excuse me?RAMON, You see? You can sill see the handle. ere ROTSRY. Its tru, Leon. The axe is not entirely out of sight. sate SAME, CARROL say “butied,* we can only say “smashed,” or pethaps “jammed” — TROTSKY. All right, allright. But why did you do this? RAMON. I think 1 read about it in an encyclopedia, RAUSKY. | (To audience) The power of the printed word! RAMON: | wanted to use an ice pick but Were weren't any around the houre, ‘ie ihat You smashed this axe into the skull of a major bie Siulint T'was a major politcal theorist!" Why id you do aor Rieti politcal disafection? Aniicounterreolutionary backs RAMON. Actually — it was love, Senos Pre odROTSKY. “It’s true, Leon. (She and Ramon join hands) im oul tomy you had to find out about i this wor ‘TROTSKY. No, RAMON.» Sit TROTSKY. Oh God! What a fool I've been! (He dis. Rell) VARIATION SEVEN TROTSKY. | Why did you realy do this, Ramon? RAMON, | You will never know, Sefor Trotly, TROTSKY. This isa nighuaseret RAMON. | But luckily for you — your night will soon be ‘ver. (Troy dis, Bell)VARIATION EIGHT TROTSKY. All right, Ramon. Thank you. You may go. (Ramon starts out Stops) RAMON. Seftor Trotsky — TROTSKY, Yer? RAMON. Do you think you will have time to look at the: snasturtiums today? They are really very beautiful TROTSKY. I don’t think so, Ramon. But I'l uy. RAMON. Thank you, Sefior. Hasta la vista. Or should I say, buenas noches. (Exits) TROTSKY. Well. All right then. The 21st of August, 1940. The day I'm going to die. Interesting. And to think that I've gone over so many 2s’ of August in my life, like a man walking over his own grave «. MRS. TROTSKY. It's been wonderfil being married to you, Leon. TROTSKY. ‘Thank you, Mrs. Trotsky MRS. TROTSKY. ‘Though it was a burden at times, being: married to major historical figure. TROTSKY. I'm sorry I was away from home #0 often, tend- ing the revolution MRS. TROTSKY. "I understand. TROTSKY. And I'm sorry T couldn't have been more in touch with my feelings. MRS. TROTSKY. (Gentle protst) No .. please ‘TROTSKY. And that I often had auch trouble expressing my MRS. TROTSKY. Oh, I haven't been everything I should have been. TROTSKY, Well is a litle late for egrets, with mountain- limber's axe buried in one’s skull. MRS. TROTSKY. Smashed, actualy TROTSKY. So it wasn't old age, oF cancer, or even the ice pick that I feared for years, It was an axe wielded by a Span- {sh Communist posing as a gardener. MRS. TROTSKY. You couldn't really have guessed that, Leon.TROTSKY. So even an assssin can make the flowers grov. ‘The gardener was false, and yet the garden that he tended rat eal. How was Ito know he wat my killer when T passed hhim every day? How was Ito know that the man tending the ‘aiurtiums would keep me from secing what the weather yl be like tomorrow? How was I to know Td never get 10 see Casablanca, which wouldn't be made untill 1942 and which T would have despised anyway? How was T to know I'd never get to know about the bomb, or the 80,000 dead at Hiroshima? OF rockand-roll, or Gorbachev, or the state of Israel? How wat I supposed to know I'd be erated from the history books of my own land..? MRS "TROTSKY." But reinstated, a least partially, someday. TROTSKY. Sometime, for everyone, there's a room that you {0 into, and it’s the room that you never leave. {9 out of a room and it's the lat room that you'll eer lewe, (He loks around.) This is my last room. MRS. TROTSKY. But you aren’t even here, Leon, TROTSKY, This desk, these books, that calendar MRS. TROTSKY. You're not even here, my love. TROTSKY, The sunshine coming through the blinds MRS. TROTSKY. That was yesterday. You're in a hospital, TROTSKY. The flowers in the garden, You, standing there . MRS. TROTSKY. This is yesterday you're seeing, TROTSKY. What does chat entry sy? Read! ft again, MRS. TROTSKY. “On August 20th, 1940, a Spanish Commu nist named Ramon Mercader smashed a mountain-climber’s %¢ into Trotky’s skull in Coyoacan, a suburb of Mexico City ‘Trotiky died the next day." TROTSKY. It gives you a little hope about the world, doesn't i That a man could have a mountainclimber's axe ‘smasied into his skull, and yet live on for one whole. day.3 (He turns to the window.) Maybe I'll go look at the nasturtiums \(Troty dis. The garden outside begins to glow. Light fade) orPROPERTY LIST Mountain-limber's axe (worn by Trosky) Pen (TROTSKY) Paper (TROTSKY) Inkstand Skull Books and newspapers, for top of dest Large encyclopedia volume (MRS, TROTSKY) Hooteldeskaryle bell, to be rung off sage“rowan Philip Glass Buys a Loaf of Bread