Helena

Can you hear me?

Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide

-Helena, My Chemical Romance

Almost a year has passed since your departure and everyone is walking the path of vice. It seems
that when someone important leaves the earthly plane, mortals cry for a month and continue with
their monotonous lives, but in my case, an absurd and damned feeling gets stuck in my throat
when I remember that fateful day.

Everything happened so quickly and the speed with which we boarded the plane did not give me
permission to assimilate what was going on. The first thing I did when I got to your house was hug
your son. It was the first time I had seen him genuinely cry. How do you react to a giant sobbing?

Everyone was shedding tears, but my eyes remained calm and chill. Do not blame me for my
coldness, since I was a child I was taught that men do not cry, but now I realize such stupidity. And
when I saw your body in that box I couldn't help but hide a tear of hatred and anger. I felt a failure
in my emotions, a mistake that should not happen.

Behind a serious look and a big body there is another me. One that really came out when he was
with you and we laughed about nonsense stuff. Today I remember your memory and far from
crying, a mischievous smile is drawn on my face when we remember our adventures. We laughed
at wises and politicians, idiotic neighbors and clumsy waiters. I remember You getting really
anxious with Soap operas, but somehow you were still there, waiting for a miracle from television.

You left a blaze of hearts asking for you. That 5-year-old girl will not be able to have the privilege
of having grown up with you, and that breaks my soul. And what about the ability to make friends
that you had? Everyone in the neighborhood asked about Evelia, and when they saw the big car
leaving, they could not do anything about it.

And what can I say about you?

You gave me a rusty typewriter, but because of my desire to do something with my free time, I
was able to repair it and give it a useful life. You taught me to have courage in life and face the
authorities and the rules (no matter how absurd they were). You told me a thousand times not to
be an arrogant asshole and a thousand times I disobeyed you, but I learned my lesson through the
hard way. You taught me to be rebellious motherfucker and walk with my back straight.

But the finger that moves the universe has other plans….

You won't see me graduate. You won't see me get married. You will not meet my children, nor will
you see Daniela finish elementary school. You won't see Adonis grow up. You won't see many
events that you once dreamed of, but at least I was able to kiss your forehead before leaving.
We apologize for not being able to fulfill your wish: return to your homeland. If you saw how
damaged your home is, full of death, blood and war, perhaps you would understand (but that is no
excuse).

19 fucking years and I could never say it to your face. I could never say that you were the only
person (besides my damaged father) that I had genuine love for when I was a lonely child. I could
never tell you how many laughs you caused me and how delicious you cooked. I could never tell
you the damage that your son's illness caused me for fear that you would feel guilty. I will never
feel again the serenity that watching you read caused me. I will never be able to take you back to
Coyoacán for an ice cream.

I could never tell you I love you, grandma….