FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

THE OFFICIAL SEASON REVIEW 2003/2004

2003/04
ROLL OF HONOUR SVFFL League Champion: James King UEFFLA Champions League Winner: Tom Bollen SVFFL Cup Winner: Lyn Redmond SVFFL Top NonAuction Team Prize: Alex Hood Wooden Spoon: The Hall 2nd Team

AN UNBELIEVABLE CLIMAX TO THE LEAGUE SEASON!

As we entered the final weekend of the 2003/04 season only one thing was decided in the Stroud Valleys Fantasy Football League The Wooden Spoon!
Only once in living memory have we experienced such an exciting end to a Stroud Valleys Fantasy Season. In 2001 the league was won by Tom Bollen on goals scored, when the season finished with two teams on equal points. The team that were level with him was of course managed by James King, and again this season either team could have won the league at the final hurdle. James will feel that this year he got his revenge for 2001. With 37 games played of a long season Frankly My Dear I Dont Riverdance managed by James were five points behind Thierrys Terriers managed by Tom. With most of the betting money stacked on the Terriers, Jamess team put on a solid performance scoring ten points, through two clean sheets and two assists. At this stage Toms team looked strong, having scored six points. Then it started to go wrong as the Middlesbrough defence collapsed, and Quedrue lost 4 points for Tom. As the final minutes were played out James was three points clear at the top, but with an inferior goals scored column, he knew that one last minute goal could change anything. The goal that Tom needed did not materialise and James won the highly coveted SVFFL for a record fourth time. Also decided on the final day of the league season was the Prize for Top NonAuction team. As our league has expanded it has become increasingly difficult for all managers to attend the auction. Over the past few years a process of an e-mail auction has been devised to allow all managers to compete, regardless of where they are on the planet. These teams have often finished near the bottom (Bevo, wooden spoon, 2002) and so this prize was devised to increase the competition throughout the league. For the entire second half of the season Pants and Damo fought it out for the 10 prize. Going into the last match Damo led by one point, but would it be enough? continued on page 2
SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 1

CONTENTS
Unbelievable Climax p1-2 SVFFL News p3-4 League in Numbers p5-9 Interview with the Champion p1011 Interview with NonAuction Winner p12 UEFFLA Champions League p13-14 Champions League Winner Interview p15 SVFFL Cup p16

AN UNBELIEVABLE CLIMAX. Continued

Pants team knew they needed a big score, but in some extremely tight matches they were unable to increase their points total and scored a massive 0 points. As Goddamn Useless Wasters, managed by Pants, trudged off the pitch they were informed of the results from other matches. In an unlikely twist, Fantasy Football is Dead, Long Live the Revolution, managed by Damo, had collapsed under the pressure from their deluded fans. In a final performance marred by defensive errors they had somehow scored minus three points, handing the crown of Top Non-Auction Team to the Pantsman. Impeys Angels, Damos second team, finished bottom, so the wooden spoon is in the post to Australia. Their points score of 104 was less than Thierry Henry alone. Credit must be given though for their achievement of breaking the 100point barrier three times in one season. Praise must also go to Deeps third place, his best finish in the SVFFL. Congratulations to all the new managers this year thirteen teams definitely makes the competition tougher and more entertaining. The Stroud Valleys Fantasy Football League will keep on heading onwards and upwards. Dont miss out next year!

SVFFL 2003/04 Final League Table

Team 1 Frankly My Dear 2 Thierry's Terriers 3 Bish Bash Bosh 4 Sporting Club Biscuits 5 F.C. Lovely Stuff 6 Lyn's Team 8 Long Live The Revolution 9 AFC Tiger Killers 10 Bayer Eggers 11 Up Pompino 12 Nicely Packaged Fanjitas 13 Impey's Angels (Hall II)
SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

Manager Points James Tom Deep Jelf Bevo Lyn Damo Matt Heather Paul Doctor Clair 350 347 336 330 327 306 262 260 232 210 205 150 104
2

SVFFL Cup Winner Interview p17 Interview with the Chairman p18 FFL Report from Australia p19 Team Reviews p20-21 Chairmans Awards p22 Application Form p23

7 Goddamn Useless Wasters Pants

FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE NEWS

Damo in spoon dodging scandal
Suspicions raised at the beginning of the season that Damian Hall entered a second team in another name to reduce his chances of winning the dreaded Wooden Spoon have now been confirmed. Damo, restricted to the e-mail auction because of his work abroad, submitted a rubbish second team in the name of his girlfriend so that his own team would not finish bottom. Damian Hall, pictured above in shock when confronted with the news that he had been found out, denied the rumours throughout the season. However, in an exclusive article for this very review, he describes himself as the sole Oceanic representative of the prestigious Stroud Valleys And Surrounding Areas Fantasy Football League. This proves that Clair was never involved and by executive decision, the Wooden Spoon goes to the Damian Hall second team, Impeys Angels. It is in the post. Read Damos exclusive self-condemning article on page 19

FFL Keeper escapes death

Up Pompino goalkeeper Brad Friedel had a lucky escape from death earlier this week. Following his poor form during the season, scoring 2 points, and his failure to save a single penalty in the SVFFL Cup semi-final shoot-out he decided to take his own life and throw himself down in front of a number 36 bus, in Peckham, pictured above. Fortunately for both himself and his Stroud Valleys FFL manager Paul Calv Ruskin, the bus slipped underneath him.

Ruud van Nistelrooy given cheat warning by SVFFL committee

The Stroud Valleys Fantasy Football League committee has given Bish Bash Bosh top scorer Ruud van Nistelrooy a warning into his future conduct. Following his repeated attempts to manipulate FFL referees the committee has warned that any simulation offences by the striker next season will result in a ban. Deep Josen, manager of third placed team Bish Bash Bosh has constantly put pressure on referees to award free-kicks and penalties for alleged fouls on his number 10, but following extensive use of video evidence, including the recent photo shown here, the league has decided that there is no place for cheating in the SVFFL

Managers protest over lack of SV Fantasy Euro 2004

SVFFL managers have been protesting about the lack of a fantasy Euro 2004 tournament. James King, current SVFFL champion and winner of the SVFEuro2000 said Im very disappointed that this has not materialised. This has reduced the entertainment value of what promised to be a great festival of football. SVFFL Chairman Tom Bollen, relaxing on his holiday in the Caribbean after a long and tiring season has said This does not fall under the remit of my job as it is clearly a European matter. Tim Bevan chairman of UEFFLA, the Union of European Fantasy Football League Associations, organised this seasons Champions League competition. Mr. Bevan, pictured right, has been unavailable for comment. 3

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE NEWS

Award winning manager attacked by Spanish vampire
Alex Hood, known to us all as the Pantsman, is in a critical condition after being attacked by a Spanish vampire on his post season holiday. Pants, interviewed on page 12 after finishing the season as the highest placed manager who didnt attend the auction, was celebrating his success in Northern Spain but was unaware of a gathering of the cult of Los Vampirinos the Spanish female blood-suckers who like nothing more than the blood of English fantasy league managers

SVFFL Managers underachieve at World Gurning Championships

SVFFL managers Jason Jelf and Damian Hall both entered this years World Gurning Championships at Egremont in the Lake District. The competition, which is believed to have started in 1267, was this year won by Gordon Mattinson, pictured left. Gurners are judged on the before-and-after effect, as they transform their faces, pulling them into different positions. Say youre oogly in the first place, and ya pull a gurn, an ya doont look much different, explains tournament organiser Alan Clements, then ya got no chance. Just because youre oogly doesnt mean to say that ya win it. Because gurnin means the Art of Pullin Faces, not oogliness, thus ruling former Chairman Tim Bevan out of the event. Jason Jelf, pictured right, failed to get through the first round, but in general amateurs rarely make much of an impact. They dont really know what gurnins about says former Champion Peter Jackman. Theyve gotta try and learn and look up the rules of gurning. Gold medal gurners train like Olympic champions, experimenting with different faces until they hit on a suitably ugly mug. An Australian stands out for having one of the weirdest gurns in recent memory. He used his eyes and could actually turn one one way and one the other way, Clements recalls. This did not convince the judges though, he was moving his eyes and showin his teeth basically, but didnt do a lot with his face. This seemed to mirror the performance of our Aussiebased manager, Damian Hall, who, although looking stupid (pictured left) did not even attempt to pull a stupid face and was instantly disqualified. 4

Replacement SVFFL Cup

In 2002 Tom Bollen won the SVFFL Cup competition. He was presented with the Cup on Clapham Common whilst extremely drunk and the Cup never made it home, somehow being lost when darkness descended upon a small kick-about. Unfortunately Pickles is dead and there were no other dogs willing to find the trophy. Tom has now provided the league with a replacement Cup that was presented to Deep during the course of the season for his 03 win (see left). Lyns Team won the SVFFL Cup this season and the trophy will be presented shortly. Read a report on the SVFFL Cup campaign on page 16 and Lyns interview on page 17

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

THE LEAGUE IN NUMBERS

Best Team : Frankly My Dear I Dont Riverdance (James) Best Player : Thierry Henry (Tom 110 points) Worst Team : Impeys Angels (Damo II) Worst Player : Taylor (Lyn (-10) points)
Best Team of the Season

Worst Team of the Season

Cudicini (James) Bridge (Bevo) Terry (Deep) Malbranque (Deep) Boa Morte (Pants) Henry (Tom) Bellamy (Doctor) Bernabia (Deep) Kleberson (Jelf) Taylor (Lyn) Kiely (Lyn) The best team would have scored a total of 609 points, enough to win the SVFFL any year. It would have cost 101.6m. However, without Henry it would have been affordable at 65.6m leaving 4.4m. This would have left enough to buy Forssell and given a score of 558 points, again enough to win any year in history. The worst team would have scored 8 points and cost 48.8m!
SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 5

A. Cole (Lyn) Campbell (James) Pires (Jelf) Saha (Pants) Solskjaer (Deep) Ba (Clair) Ehiogu (Doctor) Toure (Heather) Giggs (Bevo)

Hriedersso n (Matt)

Impey (Clair)

Weekly position chart

0 1 2 3
15-S ep 22-S ep 29-S ep 06-O ct 13-O ct 20-O ct 27-O ct 03-N ov 10-N ov 17-N ov 24-N ov 01-D ec 08-D ec 15-D ec 22-D ec 29-D ec 05-J an 12-J an 19-J an 26-J an 02-F eb 09-F eb 16-F eb 23-F eb 01-M ar 08-M ar 15-M ar 22-M ar 29-M ar 05-A pr 12-A pr 19-A pr 26-A pr 03-M ay 10-M ay 17-M ay

James Bevo Lyn Tom Jelf Deep Matt Heather Paul Doctor Clair Damo Pants

League Position

4 5 6 7 8 9

10 11 12 13 14

No. of players in Teams Of The Week

Matt - 26 Heather - 15 Deep - 43 James - 40 Bevo - 44 Pants - 17 Clair - 7 Damo - 19 Lyn - 35 Doctor - 10 Jelf - 34 Tom - 45 Paul - 17
SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 6

Most appearances in Team Of The Week

18 16

14

12

10

0 van Nistelrooy Malbranque Ferdinand Boa Morte Queudrue Svensson G. Neville Taylor Hyypia Campbell Anelka Terry A. Cole Howard Berger Cudicini Forssell Gallas Saha Scholes Henry Giggs Upson Pires Lampard Shearer Samuel Bridge Robert Duff

Most Expensive Team vs. Cheapest Team

This makes for some interesting reading and gives a perfect example that the laws affecting the transfer market are pretty random. Thierry Henry, the most expensive ever signing in SVFFL history, cost 36m and was also the top scoring player. Pires at 14.5m was the most expensive and highest scoring midfielder. However only these two and Giggs make it into both the most expensive team and the best team. The most expensive team, at a cost of 163m would have only scored 260 points, which would have put them in joint 8th place with Damo in the bottom half of the table, below the top nonauction team. The cheapest team of the season would have cost only 22.4m and would have finished with 173 points, in 12th place, above both Doctor and Clair/Hall II.

Friedel 10m Harte 17.2m Pires 14.5m Woodgate Ferdinand 10m 10m Smertin 10.8m Henry 36m Scholes 10.6m RVN 23m Riise 10.4m Giggs 10.5m

Ferdinand Sheringham 2.9m 3m Boa Morte G. Silva 2m 1.9m Sun Jihai Stefanovic 1.7m 1.8m Keane 1.9m Upson 1.8m Barry 2m Bonnissel 1.8m

Hislop 1.6m
7

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

Points / million

Points / million

Points / million 20 18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 0

10

12

14

16

18

18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 0

Howard

Dudek Lauren

Cudicini Delaney Le Saux

Bonnissel

Bridge

Henchoz Lundekvam

Johnson

W. Brown Campbell Parker Robert Scholes Diouf K. Davies Shearer

Terry Hyypia Jenas Mendieta

Malbranque Benarbia

Lampard

Zenden

Okocha

Bish Bash Bosh - Deep

Frankly My Dear I Don't Riverdance - James

F.C. Lovely Stuff - Bevo

Giggs

Riise Ferdinand Gronkjaer Sheringham

Owen L. Ferdinand Unsworth Thompson

van Nistelrooy Solskjaer

Wiltord

Points / million

Points / million
10

Points / million
20 18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 0

-6

-4

Kiely

A. Cole

Silvestre

Points per million spent

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 0
6 8

O'Shea

Taylor

Duff

Lyn's Team - Lyn

Ljungberg

Thierry's Terriers - Tom

Sporting Club Biscuits - Jelf

Kewell

Jensen

Beattie

Anelka

-2

Lehmann Melchiot Finnan Desailly Svensson Pires Dunn Gerrard Kleberson McBride Viduka

Sorensen

Queudrue
Hughes

Gallas Upson Juninho Euell Rae Solano Henry

G. Neville McManaman Mutu

Crespo Davies

Hislop

Goddamn Useless Wasters - Pants

25
Points / million

FFLIDLLTR - Damo
8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0
Telfer Cunningham Izzet Hasselbaink Roy Keane Andy Cole Murphy Clapham Mellberg Scowcroft Sinclair Given Keown Stone Radzinski Bellamy

20 15 10 5 0
Greening Boa Morte Naysmith Kenna Jones Thome J. Cole Dodd Saha Heskey Traore

AFC Tiger Killers - Matt

25 20
12 10

Points / million

Bayer Eggers - Heather

Points / million

Points / million

8 6 4 2 0

15 10 5 0
Taylor Hreidarsson

Tarnat Hitzlsperger

van der Sar

Toure

Smith

Samuel

-5

Up Pompino - Paul
16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 0 -2 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 -1 -2

Stefanovic Gilberto Silva Roy Keane

Emerton

Forssell

O'Brien

Reyes

Cygan

Nolan

Sun Jihai

Kanoute

Bernard

Geremi

Neill

-2

Nicely Packaged Fanjitas - Doctor

Points / million

Mills Southgate

Points / million

Schwarzer

Schemmel

Woodgate

Mutu Robbie Keane Gravesen

P. Neville

Berkovic Anderton

Babayaro

Pennant

WrightPhillips

Ehiogu

Hendrie

Im pey's Angels - Clair 5 4

Points / million

Dugarry

3 2 1 0
Rufus Harte Barthez Bramble

-2

Quashie

Impey

Smicer

Smertin

Angel

-1

Maccarone

The best value player was Boa Morte, on Pants team, who scored 21.5 points per 1m. Boa Morte was also the only player to be in both the best and cheapest teams of the season. The only other player who scored over 20 points was Forssell for Matts team. Five other players scored over 15 points per 1m spent Gallas, Lampard, Svenson, Cudicini and Euell, respectively for Tom, Bevo, Jelf, James and Tom again. The worst value players mirror the worst team of the season, having scored minus points. Player of the season Thierry Henry only scored just over 3 points per 1m spent, while Ruud van Nistelrooy came in at less than 3/1m. Former FFL golden boy Ian Harte scored less than a quarter of a point per 1m and goalkeeper Paul Jones scored a miserable 0.1 point per 1m. 9

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

Ba

Rooney

Stubbs

Friedel

Vieira

Barry

Dyer

Phillips

Riggott

Savage

Parlour

Hibbert

Veron

Purse

Defoe

Berger

INTERVIEW WITH THE CHAMPION

JAMESS SVFFL KINGDOM

James King this year won the Stroud Valleys Fantasy Football League for a record fourth time. We congratulated James and spoke to him about his triumph
End of Season Review: Hello Mr. King, how does it feel to have won the SVFFL for a record fourth time? James King: It feels good, like I knew that it would. It feels good, I knew that it would. So good. So good and I beat you EoSR: How does this victory compare with your last three? Is this any more special? JK: They have all been special and no one has felt better than the others. Each season must be looked at on its individual merits. This season? It was a great achievement. The league has expanded, perhaps even more than we envisaged back in 1995. The competition is much more fierce and the structure much tighter. Its become a veritable pressure cooker with the introduction and evolution of the Internet. Each week, each performance is subject to rigorous scrutiny. Put a foot wrong and its there for all to see. Everyones an expert, doesnt seem to matter if you have dined on the fajita of success or not. Every Tom, Dick and Jelf has a view on how you could be doing your job better.

James studies his player statistics mid-auction

EoSR: In every one of the last five seasons either you or Tom has won the league. Do you feel that it has become a two-horse race? JK: To say yes smacks with arrogance, but you cant argue with the stats. When I find my seat in the pre-season auction, Im very aware of the threat posed by each member of the league, but I cant pretend my eyes dont oft stray to Bollen. Hes a determined man and he sometimes doesnt get the credit he deserves. Perhaps if his name was Tomasso Bolognaise he would get more plaudits. The chasing pack in the last 5 years has also had a familiar feel; Tim Bevans always there or there about. He always gets the boys going and dont underestimate the steady improvement of Gurdeep Josens managerial credentials. Damien Hall could be a sleeping giant, but someones gunna need a big alarm clock. The emergence of a fresh new talent in Lyn Redmond has also been noted. She has single handedly flown the flag for the potential success of the SVFFL female. EoSR: Going into the last game of the season you were in second place and needed a big points score to win the title. How confident were you of success? JK: Truth is I wasnt. I knew I had a chance, but the top of the table had changed hands almost weekly. My Mum and girlfriend were in the crowd that day and that support was important to me. Its no secret that I have a very different philosophy to Bollen. Hes all about attack, whereas I tend to play a more patient and disciplined game. On a day where we needed to out score the Terriers for the Championship the odds were perhaps in the oppositions favour. Not least when Thierry scored. However, when all was said and done our approach paid dividend. My defence was strong, where as Bollens conceded heavily. Scholesy and Robert both nicked an assist and Carlo and Wes got me clean sheets. Thats Blockbusters EoSR: Who do you feel was your most important signing at the beginning of the season? JK: Ive never looked at individual starlets, but rather players who fulfill a criterion of how I feel our team needs to play. First priority is always a strong foundation in defence. In Cudicini, Campbell and Ferdinand I felt I had achieved that. Rios suspension rocked the team and was a bitter pill to swallow. He would have continued to make a huge contribution as Sol did. Possibly the Championship could have been settled a bit earlier, but Ive grown used to final day drama. Riise was my record signing and I was chuffed I could continue that relationship, but to be fair and hed be the first to admit, he had a stinker. Robert and the boy Scholesy deserve special mention. Shearer? Well what can you say about the man? Hes used his experience. SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 10

EoSR: How do you think the disappointment of that disallowed goal will affect your star centre back, Sol Campbell? JK: It wont. For him its all about being the best centre back in the country and he is. I was probably more gutted as an England fan. He deserved that goal, but ultimately he was the best centre back in the tournament, thats what hell take away with him. EoSR: Will you be offering new contracts to any of your players? JK: You think Im publishing that? Youll find out the answer late August. EoSR: Do you plan any surprise signings this summer? JK: If Thierry wants to jump ship, Ive got a life raft waiting, but my feeling is, he and Mr. Bollen have a relationship that may well last for a good few years yet. EoSR: Over the years you have emerged as the most successful manager in SVFFL history. What is the secret to your success? JK: A good manger is only as good as the players he works with. Ive always been able to get the right men in and maintain good relationships with those who have done well and take them into the next campaign with me. However, before selecting your squad, you must first have a firm philosophy. I defend my success with the mantra; defence is the best form of defence TM. Im also aware of the words of Berkhamsted other famous son, Grahame Greene; Success is just delayed failure. Ask Damo. EoSR: With your success in the league how do you explain your first round loss to surprise Cup winner Lyn Redmond? JK: An early exit is always disappointing, but the league is the bread and butter. Everything else is just window dressing. We lost to one of the best teams in the league and Lyn deserved to go on to win the cup. EoSR: Your team also featured dismally in the inaugural Stroud Valleys Champions League, finishing in bottom place. What have you learnt from this, and is this something you wish to improve on next year? JK: We are always looking to improve and conquering Europe would be a great achievement, but not at the expense of the league. The league will remain our focus. EoSR: Do you believe that you can become the first manager ever to retain the title? JK: Of course. I always believe it is possible, but the league will continue to grow and therefore be even more difficult to dominate. It is possible and I believe someone will achieve it and of course next season we are the only team in with a chance. I hope it can be us.

James appears disinterested at the transfer auction

EoSR: Finally Mr. King, congratulations on your success how do you plan to celebrate? JK: I will celebrate when I have achieved all I want to achieve, so its straight back to the training ground and watching old videos of Ian Harte free kicks. I may buy a new calculator before the next auction. Happy days. For a chance to stop James make history by retaining the Stroud Valleys Fantasy Football League for the first time ever do not miss the 2004/2005 auction on August 28/29 at Bollen Mansions, 19 Woodleigh Gardens, Streatham Hill - time to be confirmed on www.stroudvallezffl.mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk. Please see the last page of this review for an entry form. James King is currently the bookies favourite for the 2004/05 title at a best price of 3/1. SVFFL odds available at all leading high street betting shops. James King appears courtesy of Berkhamsted 24 Hour Garage, King Size Rizla and Lovely Burgers. To buy Kings new hardback Hall, my part in his downfall Penguin, 14.99 go to www.amazon.co.uk SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 11

INTERVIEW WITH THE NON-AUCTION WINNER

Pants finishing seventh in the league, above all the other teams entered via the e-mail auction, winning this prize in its first year
End of Season Review: Hello Pants, how does it feel to have won the SVFFL prize for the highest placed non-auction team? Pants: Fucking great!! I wanted it really bad, and I put so much time and effort into it that its just a fantastic feeling to have blown away the competition and brought home the bacon. EoSR: What was your secret to beating 97 winner Damian Hall to the prize? Pants: Well I realized early on that the best strategy was going to be to try and score more points than him. Fortunately his transfers show he didnt share my belief. EoSR: In every one of the last five seasons either James or Tom has won the league. Do you feel that it has become a two-horse race, or will the title race be more open next year? Pants: Id say more of a two pig race. But anyway these things are Cyclical. If the rest of us could be bothered to put in the effort and work out plans rather than just turning up and bidding on a whim then it would soon be changing at the top EoSR: Next season do you plan on attending the auction, or do you think that your game plan is better suited to the e-mail auction? Pants: I would certainly like to attend the auction, however the lottery nature of the non-auction event gives me a better chance of glory. But what the hell, Im gonna go to the auction and bid all my cash on Thierry Henry! EoSR: You didnt make any transfers during the January window, but your top striker Louis Saha moved from Fulham to ManUre. Do you think that this was the key to your success? Pants: Yes well I looked around but to be honest I was happy with my squad, I didnt see the need for any panic dealings, unlike a certain balding pseudo journo. Or was it that I couldnt be arsed? Either that or I just forgot. Well I prefer A, and whose gonna call me a liar as I stand here with the trophy sat atop my head? As for Saha to ManU I dont think it made a blind bit of difference. He scored goals before, and he scored goals after, and Im told that scoring goals is a definite advantage in a striker, although my other striker Emile Heskey kept saying that heading the ball aimlessly onwards is what its all about. EoSR: Going into the last game of the season you were behind Damo and needed a big points score to clinch the prize. How confident were you of success? Pants: No it was all part of my plan. I had deliberately positioned myself behind Damo so that I could give him the mother of all rogerings. And while he cried for his mummy my team roared past to clinch victory a spectacular double climax! Nice EoSR: Will you be offering new contracts to any of your players? Pants: To be honest the only reason I know who they are is you have listed them at the top. They can all fuck off as far as Im concerned, godamn useless wasters EoSR: Two years ago you had a strong cup run and made it to the final. How disappointed were you to be thrashed by Heather (16-2) in the first round this year? Pants: Oh god I loved it! She really laid it on, I could barely sit for days. Normally a session like that costs upwards of 150! She even wore the leather and everything! Fantastic. EoSR: You decided not to compete in the inaugural Stroud Valleys Champions League this year. What was your reason, and do you plan to take Europe by storm next year? Pants: Well I thought about it and decided that for fucks sake lifes far too short (like James), and I struggle to keep up with the demands of managing my non-auction team, to try to get my head round Europe as well was just a bridge too far. Plus it was a joke, and a lottery and a right waste of time whose stupid idea was it anyway? EoSR: What was your favourite moment of last years football season? Pants: Hmm there were many, but I guess it has to be Arsenal winning the parallel real league at shite hart lane. Strangely I wasnt too excited about the prospect in the build up, but when it came to it I was really pleased. In 2nd place was when I was in the front row of the east stand at Highbury when the ball came flying towards me, I brought it down on my toe, flicked it over my head and back heeled it to Ashley who whistled and said nice one mate then offered to swap places and EoSR: Thank you Mr Pantsman. Keep on dreaming. let me play instead. That was nice. SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 12

UEFFLA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Tim Bevan, chairman of the Union of European Fantasy Football League Associations, reports on the inaugural SVFFL / UEFFLA Champions League
Last season saw the gazebo of European footballing marquees arrive on SVFFL shores, the European Champions League. In an attempt to do what it says on the tin FFL Review reviewed the whole god damn awful freak show.
The Stroud Vallez FFL has a great tradition of creating cup competitions in the back of a fag packet type mould. Who can forget the Gawd Luv Er and FFL cups, both introduced during the success laden years of Chairman Bevo. This season, following the lean uninspiring one under the tutelage of chairman Jelf, was no different as the two great minds of the modern FFL administrative era - Bevan and Bollen - fused creative juices to introduce prestige where there was once dearth, hope where once despair. Not since the days of the great innovators Rimt and Millichip has the game witnessed such invention as that achieved by the introduction of European competition to our humble league. Its a marriage to raise the eyebrows of any respectable European royal household snorted one commentator. In fact it even raised a few eyebrows in competing Fantasy Football Leagues, with one such stable - who jokingly refer to themselves as official even setting up a competing online European Champions League competition. As Bevan states there was a lot of interest when we went live, certain players wanted to get in on the action....for legal reasons I cant go into further detail. The ex-chairman cutting himself short for fear of prejudicing what now seems like the inevitable court battle that threatens to unravel the whole European adventure in the coming months. However, despite the initial optimism some camps were less enthusiastic and looking to bring about action from an entirely different angle. The Euro-phobic members within SVFFL, speaking in what they claimed was one voice, derided the whole concept of European football. Their claim being that it would only serve to erode the high standards and quality of football with which the league had set itself and become renowned for. They were right, but only in as much as they spoke with one voice. On hearing the protest a source within the Leagues HQ was reported to have heard one of the top brass describe the detractor as, the type of person who would owe a dog fuck money. Going on to add before the laughter could subside that, if he asked him for ten pence to call a friend, hed give him twenty and tell him to call them all. Official channels were however quick with a more measured and appropriate response. A press release on behalf of Bevan, wreaking of coded banter, philosophised that time has taught and history will show that the league, far from being dead is very much alive and the flames of revolution that once promised longevity have been doused by the hands of a world order, wrestled from the old by the new. The dousing was there for all to see as the detractors formed an orderly queue and received the biggest slice of humble pie since Phil Neville unveiled his able-bodied girlfriend to the world. With the ink on the plans still wet and the whiff of hypocrisy emanating from some team sheets the real action and controversy could begin. As the inaugural SVFFL European Champions league kicked off. With no auction and no budget there were cries that this new competing format offered little challenge to managerial and tactical know how. But as the organizers pointed out from inside a giant fudge, weve gone in blind on this one and it is very much a piloting year. SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 13

Position Team 1 Pauls Team 2 Bayer Eggers 3 FFIDLLTR FC (Its Welsh for something) 4 Thierrys Terroni 5 FC Johnny Foreigner 6 FC Euro Stars 7 I hate football FC 8 FC Can You Kick It? 9 FC Ciao Bella Post group stage standings

Manager Total Score Calv 103 Heather 99 Damo 98 Tom 97 Bevo 91 Deep 88 Clair 83 Kinger 53 Jelf 51

Despite this there were still opportunities for the more astute managers to test their mettle, particularly when you consider with hindsight the early exit of some of the more fancied teams. There were more than just a few galacticos who failed to live up to their billing. In fact, the only consolation for the managers of those teams hardest hit was that most of their competitors were equally as wounded.

In the early stages Damo, Bevo and Tom set the pace but by the end of the group phase Pauls First phase top scorers 17 Team were on top (see table above) with 103 points and surprisingly Mikel Silvestre with 17 Silvestre points was his, and a few others top scorer. In conclusion 12 points separated the top five and Henry 17 both Jelf and Kinger appeared to be out of the running despite having what on paper looked 16 like Tino Perezs wet dream of a team. It just goes to show that a collection of star players Van Nistelrooy without the team ethos is nothing more than a group of overpaid, undisciplined leaderless Cafu 16 bunch of Shirleys. Juninho 14 With the group stage out of the way and the corporate moneymen happy the real football could begin. Yet the last sixteen knockout phase saw yet more heavy weight casualties, as Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Silvestre and Ryan Giggs all gave up and went home before you could say Rock of Gibraltar. This asked serious questions of some managers, most of whom were unable to answer. It was only those who had diversified team selection that looked set to survive the cull going into the final stages. With the likes of John Terry, Gallas and Juninho (the other one) providing a surprising source of points for some managers. Going into the quarterfinals the table and the outcome of the competition was beginning to take shape with Heather, Tom, Paul and former dissenter Hall all challenging for the title. Position 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Team Bayer Eggers Thierrys Terroni Pauls Team FFIDLLTR FC (Its Welsh for something) FC Johny Foreigner FC Euro Stars I hate footballFC FC Can You Kick It? FC Ciao Bella Manager Heather Tom Calv Damo Bevo Deep Clair Kinger Jelf Total Score 117 114 112 112 105 97 92 65 63

The semi-finals not unsurprisingly saw yet more exits and left only Jelf and Heather with representatives in the final and therefore the only managers with a source of points. But with Jelf over forty points off the top only 13 goals from star player Deco would see him dramatically snatch the title from Bollens grasp, who by the final game had overtaken Heather and was top with a three point lead. As it turned out Deco had a stinker and only managed to score one goal in the final. So the only real threat came from Heather and her Monaco defender Rodriguez. The rest is history; Monaco lost, Roddy scored minus two points and Bollen ceremonially took the first European Champions League title and the trophy back to his beautiful Streatham mansion where he can use it to minimise the self pity at having just missed out on a third domestic title. Position 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Team Thierrys Terroni Pauls Team FFIDLLTR FC (Its Welsh for something) FC Johny Foreigner Bayer Eggers I hate footballFC FC Euro Stars FC Ciao Bella FC Can You Kick It? Manager Tom Calv Damo Bevo Heather Clair Deep Jelf Kinger Total Score 123 120 116 114 112 107 106 85 69

Final top scorer table

Silvestre Henry Van Nistelrooy Cafu Deco Valeron Dida Giggs 17 17 16 16 14 13 12 11 14

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE WINNER

We spoke to Tom Bollen shortly after his Champions League victory and second place finish in the League
End of Season Review: Congratulations on your Champions League victory Tom. How pleased were you to win the top European Fantasy prize in its first year? Tom Bollen: I was very pleased. Obviously the SVFFL is our home league, so that is always my priority, but I also value European competition highly as it is a chance to judge yourself against the very cream of European players. Im also a traditionalist and because I entered the tournament as SVFFL Champion, my victory was sweet. EoSR: How disappointed were you to miss out on the league on the last day of the season? TB: I was devastated. I started the season badly, but always had faith that once my team started to gel I would climb the league quickly. At Christmas I overtook Lyn and Bevo and moved into second place and when I took the lead at the beginning of March I was very confident. I knew that James would be my biggest rival, as ever since the turn of the century we have been the only winners of the league. I was especially keen to win the league this year as I wanted my place in the history books nobody has ever retained the Stroud Valleys Fantasy Football League. I also knew that victory would put me on a par with James as having the most league titles, but now he is two ahead of me with 4, following his victory this year. Advertisement - Now showing at the Astoria theatre EoSR: Why do you think you lost the title? TB: At the end of the season, with a five point lead I knew it was mine for the taking, but in the end Quedrues poor defending cost me four points and the title. To be fair to James though, he had a consistent season and maybe deserved revenge for my goal difference victory in 2001. I do think that I was the better team and played more attractive attacking football throughout the year though! EoSR: Did winning the Champions League make up for the bitter blow of losing the title on the last day of the season? TB: Yes to some extent. I am very pleased that I have now won a Fantasy League trophy for every one of the last four seasons. I think anybody would be proud of two Leagues, one Champions League and one SVFFL Cup in four years. EoSR: What will be your tactics next year? TB: As you know from previous seasons, I never discuss my future plans ahead of the auction, but you can be sure that I will be challenging for all three trophies come spring 2005. I will definitely be getting rid of some players and bringing some new faces in. EoSR: Thank you for talking to us and good luck for 2005. SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 15

THE SVFFL CUP

First Round
Nice Fanjitas Revolution 9 17

Quarter Finals
Revolution Tiger Killers 10 3 Revolution 13

Semi Finals

Tiger Killers Thierrys Terriers 5 Thierrys Ts 19 Sport Biscuits 12 Sport Biscuits 12 Lovely Stuff 8 Up Pompino Up Pomp 5 RE 12 Bayer Eggs 5 PLAY 7 damn Useless 2 Bayer Eggers 16 Up Pompino 4 RE 3 PENS 4

Thierrys Ts 11 Bish Bash Bosh 9

Final

FFL CUP

Revolution Lyns Team

-3 16

Lyns Team 4 PLAY 3 PENS 5 Impeys Angels Imps Angels -4 Lyns Team Frankly MDear 3 Lyns Team 8 8

This year the SVFFL Cup kicked off in January and all thirteen teams entered. The cup draw was decided by league results on the last weekend in January and byes were awarded to Matt, Clair and Paul. In the tie of the round, Cup holder Deep was pitted against 2002 winner Tom. It was a very close match, but Bish Bash Bosh were edged out 11-9 by the Terriers. Other ties saw Lyns Team beat Cup favourites Frankly My Dear, Bevo lose out 12-8 to Jelf, Damo knock out Doctor and Heather gives Pants a 16-2 whipping. In the quarter-finals the battle of the women was won 8-(-4) by Lyn, while Damo had few problems seeing off Matt. Tom again had to beat a previous winner 2001 winner Jelf losing 19-12, whilst in the closest match Paul and Heather drew 5-5 and a replay was required. Paul won the replay 12-7 to set up a semi-final against Lyn. This tie went to a replay as well, which was also drawn, so for the first time in SVFFL Cup history a penalty shoot-out was required to decide the finalist. Lyn won the penalty shoot-out with Ashley Cole scoring the decisive spot-kick and would meet Damo in the final, who caused quite an upset beating Tom 13-5 in the other semi-final. The final was held on the last day of the season. It was Lyns only chance for silverware in her impressive debut season, whilst Damos team were playing for both the Cup and the top non-auction team prize. Damo managed to blow both with his pathetic 3 points total, while Lyn romped to Cup victory with a massive 16 points. Congratulations must go to Lyn, who has also been named as the Best Newcomer of 2003/4. Read on for an interview with the Cup winner.
SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 16

INTERVIEW WITH THE CUP WINNER

Lyn Redmond won the SVFFL Cup in her debut season and was named Best Newcomer to the SVFFL
The End of Season Review finally managed to find a space in Lyns busy schedule to talk about her Cup win and her first season in everybodys favourite Fantasy Football League
End of Season Review: Hello Lyn. How does it feel to have won the award for Best SVFFL Newcomer? Lyn Redmond: Im very flattered and proud to be given this honour. It is even more important because the award was decided by our fantastic Chairman, a man who's opinions I respect so much. EoSR: What were the emotions of your first SVFFL auction? LR: I had no expectations beforehand, but I was surprised and impressed by the passion and competitiveness shown by the managers. I will definitely put in more preparation for future auctions. I am extremely excited about the auction this year and I cant wait for the new season to start! EoSR: Which player let you down the most? LR: Taylor. 10 points? I could have killed the c*nt and he would have scored more f*cking points. EoSR: Do you plan any surprise signings this summer? LR: Thats for me to know and you to find out, but Ive got my eye on Thierry Henry. (In your dreams! Ed) EoSR: You decided not to compete in the inaugural Stroud Valleys Champions League this year. What was your reason and do you plan to take Europe by storm next season? LR: I didnt feel that, as a manager, I was ready for the tough challenge of both a League campaign and the distractions of European run. Now the team is starting to gel, and I have matured as a manager, I think we might be ready for Europe this year. Our priority will always be winning the Stroud Valleys Fantasy Football League for the first time in our history. EoSR: Thank you Lyn and good luck. Will Lyn be the first female league winner? Will she break the dominance of the league by Tom and James? Lyn is currently available at a best price 8/1 to win the 2004/05 SVFFL at all good high-street bookies. 17

Lyn in action at the transfer auction

EoSR: What was your secret to beating Damian Hall in the SVFFL Cup Final? LR: Cup Finals are always special occasions and it was important for the team to get some silverware out of the season. We pulled out all the stops for the final and won by a clear margin of 19 points. In all honesty I think we would have won if all my boys had been injured. (Ed this is true. Lyns Team would have won by three points!) EoSR: At the end of your dramatic semi-final replay against Up Pompino, you and Paul were the first SVFFL managers to be involved in a penalty shoot-out. How did you cope with the pressure? LR: As players of the great game we are paid to do what we love, so we dont really see it as pressure. Ive got a bunch of professional lads who are always focused on the job at hand. Kiely in particular done brilliant! EoSR: At the beginning of the season you were top of the league and looked to have the strongest side. What went wrong? LR: The players didnt score enough goals and let too many in. EoSR: Who do you feel was your most important signing at the beginning of the season? LR: I thought my midfield of Damian Duff, Harry Kewell and Freddie Ljungberg would be a match for anybody, especially with James Beattie up front as well. However, due to injuries and general crapness Anelka quite simply stole the show and put the others to shame.

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

INTERVIEW WITH THE CHAIRMAN

Tom Bollen has overseen a technological revolution in his first year as Chairman of the No. 1 rated Fantasy League in Europe
In an exclusive interview we find out what inspired him to renovate, expand and re-energise the league to its current great heights and why he wont be jumping ship after one year in charge like James and Jelf.
Let us start by looking back to last summer. The prestigious SVFFL was in trouble. Following James Kings shock resignation Jason Jelf had let the league slip to an unimaginable low before himself quitting in July. Both King and Jelf only lasted one year as Chairman before quitting, citing the burden of a huge workload as their reasons. Our first question to Tom was what motivated him to take up the job? Firstly, I felt a responsibility as I was the only founding member of the league, apart from Toby, to have never governed the league. It has been forgotten that I was there from the beginning, when the idea of SVFFL was dreamt up by Damian in the Archway Library. Secondly I felt that James and Jelf were going about things the wrong way. It was my belief Mr Chairman in action at the transfer auction that technologies were available to dramatically reduce the workload of score calculations. We then asked Tom to talk us through the technological changes that he put in place. My first, and most crucial move was to build the now famous SVFFL spreadsheet. By downloading player scores straight into this, the spreadsheet would automatically calculate total team scores, weekly scores, the league table and the team of the week. This could then be e-mailed to all managers at the touch of a button. This significantly reduced the workload and gave me the time to also update the website every week. Since the spreadsheet file was large, some managers, especially those abroad, would only want to view the league table and team of the week, and they could do this without downloading. Having everything on file also meant things such as the transfer window and e-mail auction were far easier to organise. Ah the e-mail auction. That brings us onto another of your innovations doesnt it Tom? Yes. In the second year of SVFFL, 1997, I was abroad in Italy and entered the first ever non-auction team. Needless to say, I finished near the bottom of the league and my season was over before Christmas. Because of this I became disillusioned with the SVFFL and did not enter a team the following year, as I was again unable to attend the auction. It is rare for non-auction teams to compete with the big boys, so I decided to introduce a prize for top non-auction team. This way the league was more attractive to managers unable to attend the auction, and kept them interested for longer. This helped me to expand the league and increase the prize fund. Thirteen is the largest number of teams weve had and I hope for even more managers next year. I am also considering raising the entry fee to 20 next season so that more prizes can be awarded and I would like to see a prize of 100 going to the champion. Those are ambitious plans Mr. Chairman; we on the end of season review would like to wish you success in pushing your changes through. Thank you. Due to fears that this fantastic regime would be cut short we asked Tom Bollen to confirm that he would not wimp out of a second term like his two recent predecessors. I am determined for my name to go down in history as a leader who took the SVFFL on to greater things, and not as a pathetic Chairman Tom officially opens the auction quitter who e-mailed scores out if and when he could be bothered. SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 18

SVFFL REPORT FROM AUSTRALIA

Founding member and 1997 Champion Damian Hall has written us a song
How would I describe life as the sole Oceanic representative of the prestigious Stroud Valleys And Surrounding Areas Fantasy Football League? It's just like Elton John said really, in poignant 70s hit Rocket man: "Mars aint the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact its cold as hell." No, sorry, it was this bit... "Its lonely out in space. On such a timeless flight. And I think its gonna be a long long time. Till touch down brings me round again to find. Im not the man they think I am at home. Oh no no no Im a rocket man. Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone." Except the more I think about it, the more the lyrics reflect my experience exactly: "Its lonely now down under. To watch football it's a fight. And I think its gonna be a long long time. Till Jelfy wins the league not again but for the first time. Im still the man they think I am at home. Oh yeah yeah yeah, Im a Fantasy Football League maaaaaan. A soccer man burning out his fuse down here alone." Or maybe, the words of proud Gloucestarian Richard Ashcroft (did I mention his dad taught me History?) are more apposite: All this talk of getting old Its not getting me down you gits I'm not a cat in a bag, waiting to drown In the meantime Im stayin' down (here) And I hope youre thinking of me As your team lies down to die Now the Wiltord-Owen strikeforce dont work They just make your team worse But I know youll see my smug face again Now Bevo's maths never worked They just made everyone's teams worse And I know Ill beat you at penalties again But I know Im on a losing streak cause I passed down past Pants in seventh place And if you wanna show-off, then just let me know And Ill sing in your ear again Now the Di Canio dont work He just makes your team worse But I know youll see my smug face again cause baby, ooh, if Arsene calls, Im coming, too Just like you said, you must buy Ian Harte, or you're better off dead All this talk of getting old Its not getting me down you gits I'm not a cat in a bag, waiting to drown In the meantime Im stayin' down (here) Now the Ray Parlour dont work He just makes your team worse But I know youll buy his gooner face again cause baby, ooh, if Arsene calls, Im coming, too Just like you said, you must buy Thierry Henry, or you're better off dead But if you wanna show-off, just let me know And Ill sing in your ear again Now the Gronkjaer dont work He just makes your team worse But I know youll see my smug face again Yeah, I know youll see my smug face again Yeah, I know youll see my smug face again Yeah, I know youll see my smug face again

Damo skydiving with inverted-breasts girl and Ruud

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 19

TEAM REVIEWS
Team: Frankly My Dear I Dont Riverdance Manager: James King Record: Champion 1998, 2000, 2002, 2004
Another great season for Jamess boys. James is undoubtedly the most successful manager in SVFFL history. Top scorer Shearer led the line well and Cudicini was fantastic for James as the highest scoring keeper at a cost of only 2.1m. Campbell and Robert his other star players. James spent 22 of the 36 weeks in top spot. Only disappointment was poor form in the Cup competitions.

Team: Thierrys Terriers Manager: Tom Bollen Record: Champion 2001, 2003, SVFFL Cup 2002, Champions League 2004. 2nd Place 2004
Disappointed to lose out to James on the final weekend, having had a great second-half to the season. Had James running scared at the end. Pleased with CL victory, but the league remains No. 1 priority. Henry again magnificent as leagues best player but suffered at the back, despite value for money from Gallas and Upson.

Team name: Bish Bash Bosh Manager: Deep Josen Record: SVFFL Cup 2003, 3rd Place 2004
Deeps FFL stock is rising and this was an impressive league season for BBB. He built on his strong 2003 finish and after a poor start charged up the league at the end to take third place. Malbranque and Terry both made the Team of the Season and Van Nistelrooy was a high scorer without a strike partner. Solskjaer and Bernabia both in the Worst Team of the Season let him down badly.

Team name: Sporting Club Biscuits Manager: Jason Jelf Record: SVFFL Cup 2001. 4th Place 2004
Jelf is the longest serving manager to never win the title. Will Jelf ever be champion? It does seem unlikely. I mean, even Toby won it (Toby whos he?) exactly. Keep drinking that scouse milk and dreaming Jelf. Pires was outstanding, appearing in Team of the Week the most times, but Kleberson was rubbish with 0 points. Lehman and Svensson were both good value, but JJ must do better.

Team name: F.C. Lovely Stuff Manager: Tim Bevan Record: Champion 1999, 5th Place 2004
Bevos only good years seemed to coincide with him being the Chairman. Merely a co-incidence? Ill let you be the judge of that. Giggs and Bridge made the Team of the Season, with Bridge in Team of the Week the second most amount of times. His strike force was always going to be the weak point with an under performing Owen alongside Wiltord (ha!) and then Les Ferdinand (ha-ha!)

Team name: Lyns Team Manager: Lyn Redmond Record: SVFFL Cup 2004, 6th Place 2004
An impressive debut season for Lyn. Looked very strong post-auction and the only manager apart from James or Tom to enjoy top spot. Ashley Cole made the Team of the Season, but unlucky with poor form of Anelka, Beattie, Ljungberg, Kewell and Duff. Very weak in at the back with Hislop and Kiely in goal and Taylor, the leagues worst player on 10. Silverware in first season was a plus.

Team name: Goddamn Useless Wasters Manager: Alex Hood Record: Top non-auction team + 7th Place 2004
A successful season for the Pantsman especially since he had Heskey in his team. Unable to make the auction, but his two Fulham players, Boa Morte and Saha, both made it to the Team of The Season. Boa Morte was also the best value player in the league, scoring 21.5 points for every million pounds spent on him. Beat Damo on the last day of the season to seal 10 prize.

Team name: FFLIDLLT R or something. Manager: Damian Hall Record: Champion 1997, 8th Place 2004
Disappointed not to win top non-auction team prize having spent 19 of 34 weeks above Pants. Lost both this prize and the Cup final on the last weekend due to a pitiful 3 points. Hasselbaink again Damos top player and Andy Cole also useful. Got good value from Given, Izzet and Mellberg. Will be favourite for top non-auction team next year with Pants attending the auction.

Team name: AFC Tiger Killers Manager: Matt Gilbert Record: 9th Place 2004
Matt only spent 29m in the e-mail auction, getting outbid for most of the players he wanted. Still faired well though and spent most of his remaining 41m at the transfer auction. At this stage hoped to challenge Damo and Pants, but the apart from Forssell scoring 59 points his team was pretty average and unlikely to succeed. New signing Hriedersson went straight into the Worst Team.

Team name: Bayer Eggers Manager: Heather Egerton Record: 10th Place 2004
An average first season for the Stroud girl, in which she showed promise, but also room for improvement. Signing Kolo Toure as a midfielder showed her naivety, she was clearly distracted by inferior league Dream Team. Berger, Samuel and van der Sar where her success stories, but hopefully she can build on her experiences this year and put together a more competitive team for next season. 20

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

TEAM REVIEWS
Team name: Up Pompino Manager: Paul Ruskin Record: 11th Place 2004
Robbie Keane was a top scorer for Calv, but apart from Baby Irish as he was known in the Italian press, this was quite a weak side. Unfortunately the gates of South and Wood in defence were left wide open and the goals flooded in. Up Pompino performed better in the Cup and, after beating Bayer Eggers in a replay were unlucky to lose the semi-final to Lyns team on penalties.

Team name: Nicely Packaged Fanjitas Manager: Graham Cambridge Record: 12th Place 2004
A second disappointing season for the Doctor who has yet to diagnose the problem. The cheapest team of the season would have beaten him. Must try to attend the auction next year to improve his chances. and sign some decent players. Wright-Phillips and Hendrie in midfield performed admirably, but Bellamy and Rooney didnt perform Good organisation next year could prove fruitful.

Team name: Impeys Angels Manager: Clair Reynolds/Damian Hall Record: Wooden Spoon 2004
Entered in the name of Clair Reynolds it has now emerged that this team was just a safety net to stop Damo from hitting rock bottom. Damian Hall, the sole Oceanic representative wins the Wooden Spoon under the name of his girlfriend. Angel scored half of the teams points, and the rest were rubbish. Is 104 the lowest ever SVFFL total?

SVFFL Title
James Tom Deep Lyn Bevo 3/1 5/1 8/1 8/1 10/1 Pants Jelf Damo Matt Others 15/1 20/1 20/1 25/1 50/1

BOOKIES ODDS SVFFL Cup

Lyn James Tom Deep Paul 5/1 5/1 6/1 6/1 6/1 Damo Bevo Jelf Heather Others 10/1 10/1 10/1 10/1 12/1

Champions League
Tom Paul Damo Bevo Heather 4/1 5/1 5/1 6/1 6/1 Deep Jelf James Clair Others 8/1 8/1 8/1 10/1 12/1

Other Odds
Chairman to quit midseason 4/1 Damo to win the Wooden Spoon 10/1 Bevo to send a funny e-mail 40/1 Martin Keown to kick Ruud van Nistelrooy into orbit (see picture) 80/1 Jelf to make the tea 1,000/1 Pants unveiled as the new messiah 1,000,000/1 Tottenham to win the real league 100,000,000,000/1 SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review 21

THE CHAIRMANS AWARDS

AWARD FOR THE HIGHEST SCORING INDIVIDUAL
Thierry Henry - Tom

AWARD FOR BEST NEWCOMER

Lyn Redmond Lyns Team

AWARD FOR MOST IMPROVED PERFORMANCE

Bish Bash Bosh - Deep

AWARD FOR WORST PLAYER PURCHASED

Taylor - Lyn

AWARD FOR BEST CHAIRMAN EVER

Tom Bollen

THE 'WOODY ALLEN' WOODEN SPOON AWARD

Impeys Angels Damian Hall

AWARD FOR BEST SPORTSMAN

The Pantsman for e-mail auction fairplay

LEAGUE AWARD FOR BEST MANAGER

James King Frankly My Dear I Dont Riverdance

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review

22

FFL 2004/05 - Application Form

Join the Stroud Valley Fantasy Football League. Youve got more chance of winning than I have!

APPLICATION FORM - FFL 2002/2003

I, wanna be a part of the SVFFL next season and beat Jelf for fun. Team Name: Email address: I the undersigned promise to adhere to the Stroud Valleys Fantasy Football league rules and the FFL philosophy of, 'THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE'. I also promise never to undermine the FFL chairman without reasoned cause. If I do so I accept that I may face trial and possible expulsion from the league. I further promise to pay all entry and administrative fees as determined by the league Chairman and FFL board of executives.

Signed:. Date:.
23

SVFFL: 2003/2004 Official End of Season Review