Emergent Literatures g _ The PASSION according GM Jacques Godbout, An American Story ‘Adrienne Kennedy, In One Act Gerald Vizenor, The Trickster of Liberty Clarice LISPECTOR onaltion by Ronald W. SOUSA BE uuvensiry oF MINNESOTA PRESS, Minnexpois Se ep perme Fi SyOrigaly pushes 4 pao ssqundo Ci. copyright 8 The ois of Canco Lupe. Chppect © 1098 by the Unies of Meso [Ailighe steed, No prt ofthis publostion may bo ‘raced, sored in aireal yer, oe tamed, a ‘Sy ny my, cn acai ht ‘Stbying, ecrding, or otherize, thot the pir ton ‘vm of the pbs Published by the Unset of Minnesota Press 2157 Univeray Avene Soutien, Minnepale MN S544 Published sonellanoously Ip Ca iby Fisenry& Whiteside Limited, Markham. lined in he Usted States OF Amoi Libary of Congres Catala ispostor, Clr. "The parson scoring to CH (Bnargot iterate) radition of 8 paso sequnde C.H Liles Sere aacrais Ties 9609984705, Isbwosieoirin2 ISBN 0816517120 (pbk) Publication Data ‘The Une of Manesta Sn equaloppertiy Heer and gape. This is a book just like any other book. But 1 would be happy ifit were read only by people whose outlook is fully formed. People who know that an approach —to anything whatsoaver—must be carried out gradually ‘and laboriously, that it must traverse even the very ‘opposite of what is being approached. They and they slone will, slowly, come to understand that this book ‘exacts nothing of anyone. Over time, the character G. H. ‘came to give me, for example, a very dificult pleasure; but i is called pleasure cL @ ia A complete life may be one ending in so full identification ‘with the aon-self that there is no self to die, Bernard Berenson @ ONCE within a ROOM Ronald W. SOUSA ‘When a woman known to us simply as G. H. enters a room {hat “nominally” belongs to hes, she experionces the frus- trations of many of the expectations normally associated with a room. This room seemingly refuses to play the role ‘ofa static container, takes on a living force of ts own, and virtually comes to impose Itself upon ts “owner” As the room expands and contracts, G. H. identity i continually tundone and remade through the progress of her narration As this scenario suggests, the story of G. Ht. does not fall the expectations we commonly bring to a arr tive. In effect, breaks down several of ol “eontaines” or ctegatis that serve fender the world comprehensible, “The most important of those containers, as far as the tranelator and the reader of The Pasion According 10 G. FH, ae concerned, are those touching on literary concerns The fact that the Ukraine-born Clarice Lispector (1924- 1977) became a literary cause-élébre in her adopted Brazil but is viewed in France, because ofthe very se tet, as an important contemporary philosopher dealing with the relationships between language and men (especially female subjecthood says much about the genre problem- ali. Are we to take G.H1's tory a ction or us speculation ‘The PASSION accortng GH vion philosophical problems in and through the narration of cqvimt ve oul triton calla pot? Where does ier and philosophy begin? Intellectually speaking, that question ia eay one To answer: they both end in “Tang .” which for Lispector is the medium within which such designations as “literstire” and “philosophy” ‘remade, ay wells themedium inand trough wbish alone anything nonlinguisi can Bs ested. The proOIETy that x {or hor lnuguago is aio fallcise Unless i is pushed to its limits and thereby made to eves! what, in fs structuring ssacontaine,iesceks tobe Bese of at lan of nguge he or sion According to G, Somiprises iSeries of yontsadition- fl language usszes. Its constituted by segments somewhat Barwet wholly Hncarly arranged. They are In Get repeti tive, with additions and deletions in eich new samall- Bery Ticessive movemesi comes eelaburtion of already establishes issues radically diferent Ways The tent ‘Ginprses: inconsistencies ia Punctualon practice; justapo- sition ofolloqual phrases, postie phrases nd phrases that are completely non-Portusuese; eeation of flcitionsallu~ sions Tease of epparently important terms with slightly changed signification, seemingly to avoid creation of consis- tent terminology; wholesale, but not therelare meaning- less, violations of traditional grammar and syotss and ofthe ceonvpts of association and exclusion that underlie them; nd employment of complex verbal-conceptual ambigie ‘hes. proacatecaple ofthe bate a a to be seen in the word passion,” which in Portuguese is the colloquial term for “love and “lover,” fadation designation of “passion”a--absetion and of Chris's Passion. Since itis completely undecidable whether the “hea the book’ title should be translated, that title could ve Chace LISPECTOR just as easly be rendered "Love According to G. H.” as it ‘ould with the formulation T have given it, which empha- sizes the Biblical implications also invoked, ‘Asa translator preparing this singular text fora read= ing public unable to go to the original, 1 have felt acutely the ways in which traditional expectations have been vio- lated, for such violation has robbed me of useful ways of structuring my presentation, What I have done as a result is to treat the Portuguese original in quite specific ways. (he original used is the second edition, Rio de Janeiro, Ecditira Sabid Lida., 1968; although acknowledgment of the fact is nowhere made, it was substantially revised from the copyright-dated first edition, Rio de Janeiro Editora do ‘Autor, 1964.) Ihave subordinated the rendition of many of ‘what would traditionally be called “literary devices” to delineation, fist and foremost, ofthe intellectual positions set forth in the book, and only thereafter have T endeay ‘red to reproduce such features as style variation and artful tase—or violation—of language norms. In so doing, I have ‘hen made the ricer Than he original, regular) araphrase where no single term Sas read aialable in Eagleh, and otasiorally i e~ Sane topal trol whee ers ore ambiguous, and therefore more powerful, Alone The soot a teat that bas oot soeting of the Brnbiguy and ilosyncray that prt and paeal ofthe Origa fom which arises ands become ove oy tory in tone than that original, T invite the reader to imag- ine « Portuguese text that aS a uch greater of tet ngage chan thn doo enn 1 result my oF may not be called “translation,” but then that undecidability is only fitting ip rogard to'a ‘york that may of may not be ealled a “novel.” RS 1988, ‘The PASSION aocording GH.The PASSION accordingT heep looking, looking. Trying to understand. Trying to fave mbat The fone through to snnene ele, and I dot Etow wo, but dont want tobe alone th hat expert ce. T dot kao what todo thy Cn tod of tat probund dsorganition fm not sar {even blew in that happened to te. Did something happen, and dit reese aint know how to enperience i end up ee. Tencing something ele nto that something that Pd Ike ell csoguiaton, and then Td ave the cont dence te yeoture rth reease {woud know where to come back tot the prior orzanato, I prefer tcl iogan ization because L dont want to geomet myelin what 1 slcnced in at gdunding | ity foranother one. ICI go ahead with that grounding and consider ‘myself true, Tl be lost because I won't know where to set up my new way of being—ifT go ahead with my fragmen- tary visions, the whole world will have to change for me to Fit ato i, Something's missing that once was essential to me The PASSION according GH. 8Tad lost tid eg that unt then epee oun walling bot made mes stable tripod. Its tat hd leg thats now ‘missing. And Pve gone back fa being someone [never ses. Toe gone back having something never ba bre: jot ty foo lege T kage that can yalk only when Ihave fo ings But sense lelnt os ofthe tid one, nd Teves mer it vas that log that sade me able to ad Ine nad without even vig toon [mT dsorgantzd becnse Ite lost someting dint evn noed in ths new cowardice of mine oomard- {Ces what ha happened te tno ect ty retest Gren, Ite ea ld hat only got courage ‘enables me to‘ tit my new cowardice, which is like ScoEtg iprir the moming ia tanger hose, dont Tan TH ie te courage simply set ont Bard to Ton nese So ard that Fi rotably son wack out 9 (nding pel even dng myself agai hehe that {ve om Up to now, fading mel was having » ready ‘made person-idea and mounting myself inside it; 1 incar~ nedinyelinse that set-up person and dadnteven sense the peat sonstroctionprofet tat ving was, The peson- ldes*Bat I bed came fom tat tid leg of mine, the one that held mefsstte the ground. Butow. wil be ver? ol Thao tm stil ot ening oe, oat once agin Ym tinng because my goa isto find—and that oe wReojr ke Tel the moron that come arose» 9 Sut "ndig,” Why donc hve the courage to Bind jst a sry Ohe knw tht The go in, ut ve been aad Sctene T dont know whete that way in Tes And Te over befor let myself gp witout inowing where ‘esterday, heer Hasty bum cons hours and hours. If Tim brave, Ul Tet myself stay lost. But ‘Tm afgald of néw things and I'm afraid to experience what I os 5 haere anon gh G 4 Gaaige LisPECTOR don't understnd—T ays want the guarantee of east thinking that T derstand, 1 don't know ow to Jost sve imjself over to disricottion, low do I explain tat my frente fae pretselyineltont0_-t being? and {hace t nonetheless other way to go. Howto explain that my greatest fears precy Ue let of ving a Ive tut whatever happens? hw to explain that canna batt USacaur,ony Deca ies wot sal wat thought a8 wid isin het something eters though Thad koown iefre what twat Why it that ost loking 830 greatly orsizng? ‘Ad alsilusionng to, But what oould 1 become disllononed about? fT wes arly ble to Sand my merely tonsttetd crganzation without atleast sensing? Maybe Shuanonment's een oe longe iting into aspen? Tteoul weer be saté hat he very happy ho Bly ‘eprieesdstnment, What tn before sd fern But wes fom that ungoxt hat 1 put tngetice smething betta Tha pt apether ope From myo ‘ungood I had created. future good; Ant T'now afraid: that —~ my new outlook won't make sense? But why don't I just let myself be guided by whatever happens? I shall have to run elo ‘cance, And replace fate vith probability. But are We discoveries of infancy like those made inalaboratory, where one finds what one will Was it, then, only when I became an adult tat I started to fear and grew the third leg? Can T, as an adult, have the childlike courage tolose myself to las.oncsel isto go looking wit no sense chat to-do with what you right find. The two Walking {eat rns that ext hid one that holds a person down. yo ‘And [ want to be held down. 1 don't know what to do wi the horrifying reson that can destroy me. But while Lvas held down, was happy? OF Was there=and there was—an ‘uncanny, restless something io my happy prison routine? Or “The PASSION socording GH 5a was there—and there was—that throbbing something to ‘which I was so accustomed that I thought throbbing was the same as being & person? Isn't that i? yes, that too that t00 ~”“Tecome so seated when I xealize that over period of hours Tost miy boman constitution. 1 don't know #1 Ihave another one to replace the lost one with. 1 know that Tl need to take care not to surreptitiously use a now third Teg that can grow back in me as easily as a weed, and then call that protective leg "a truth.” Bot Lalso don't know what form to give to what hap- pened to me. And for me nothing exists unless I give it @ form, And... . and what if the reality is precisely that noth- ing has existed?! maybe nothing happened to me? T can understand only what happens to me, but only what 1 understand happens. . what do I know about the rest? the rest hasn't existed. Maybe nothing has existed! Maybe 1 hhave merely undergone a great, slow disintegration. And my struggle against that disintegration is just that is fst trying to give it form. A form gives contours to chaos, gives ‘construct to amorphous substance . the vision of an infinite flesh is amadiman's vison, but #1 eut that flesh into pieces and spread those pieces over days and famines then it will no longer be perdition and madness: it will be humanized life again ‘AHumanized life. I had humanized life too much. “But what shall Ido now? Shall {hold onto the whole Vision, even though it means holding onto an incomprehen- sible truth? or shall I give form to nothingness and let that be my way of integrating my very disintegration into myself? But Lam 20 poorly prepared to understand, Before, when: vor I tried, my limitations gave me a sensation of physical discomfort, in me, any effort to think immediately runs up against my head. Early on I had to recognize coldly the 8 Care LISPECTOR obstacle that my meager intelligence represented and reject Setting out on auy path. [knew that it was my fate to think Tittle, reasoning power kept me fat inside my.own skin. 7 How, tien, could I now start thinking? and maybe only, {thought could save me, Ym afraid of passion "Now that Ihave tose tomorrows that have to have ‘form because I don't sense that Ihave the strength to stay) disorganized, now that fateful, hall have to fame that | ‘monstrous, infinite flesh and eut i ito pieces Wat Sino- thing the size of my mouth ean take tn, andthe sizeof iny ‘eyes vision, now that I shall fateful suocumb to the neces- sity of form that comes from my fear of being undelimi- ted—then let me at least have the eourage to let that form form by itself, like a crust that hardens on its own, a fiery, nebula that cools into earth. And let me have the great cou age to ress the temptation to invent «form “The efor that I shall now make to let a sense, what- everit may be, rie tothe surface, that effort could be made tinier iT pretended to writ for someone. ‘But I'm afraid to start writing to be understood by that imaginary someone, fm afraid Tl start “making” a sense, with the same meek madness that up to yesterday was my “healthy” wy of fting into a system. WILT have) to have the courage to use an eat and go. | speaking nog alone a when «eld ins shout nothingness, And’ run the sk of being crushed by chance don't understand what I saw I don't even know if 1 saw i, Bince my eyes ended up not being separate from ‘what IsaJOnly in an unexpected rippling ofthe lines, only in an anomaly in the uninterrupted continuity of my eul- ture, did I for n instant experience life-giving death. That purified death that made me sort through the forbidden ‘welt of life. Saying the name of life is forbidden. And T ‘The PASSION according ip GH. 7almost sid it, 1 almost couldn't disentangle myself from its ‘weft, which would have been the destruction of my age inside me, Perhaps what happened to me is an understanding and for me to be true, J have to continue being sepa rate from it, have to continue not understanding it. All} sudden understanding very closely approximates « clear nonunderstanding. oh ssbhisdr No, All sudden understanding sin the last analysis the revelation ofa clear nonunderstanding. Exery moment cof finding isthe losing of oneself. Perhaps Y experienced aa “Gadestanding lat was as coiplte ax aa ignoring, and | shall emerge from it as intact and ianocent as helore, Any ‘comprehension on my part will never be equal to that ‘understanding, for {can reach only the height of living— the only level on which I function isthe level of living. Only row, now I know of a secret, Which 1 am alzeady forget ting; ob I feel that Iam already forgetting ‘To rediscover it now 1 would have to die all over again. And knowing it again could be the murder of my hhuman soul. And I don't want to, T don’t want to. What could still save me would be for me to deliver myself over to that new ignorance; that would be possible. For all the while that I am struggling to know, my new ignorance, whichis forgetting, has become sacred. 1am the priestess ‘ofa secret that Ino longer know, And I serve out of Blissful ‘jgnorande: TTound oat something T was unable to under- stand, my lips became seated, and 1 retained only the incomprehensible fragments of « ritual. Although for the first time I fel that my forgetting Js, in the lst analysis, of ‘piece with the world. Oh, and T don't want in the least to ‘have anything explained to me that would have to be made to-go beyond itself to be explained, 1 don't want anything 8 Gla LISPECTOR cexplsned to me tht would quire human valldstion again fers interpretation. Tifa and death have been mine, nd vas #mon- stosty. Mine isthe courage ofthe sleeper who Sinplyact Doritos hour of perio, Thad the cour Spear to compase nr to organi. And especialy the Sesnge nto lol hea Upto then Ind not been Brave ‘Stughto let mystfbe pide by what do ka tomard Shut dont Know: my fresignt preconditioned what I ould sce It was the Foresight Sera wales had TESGST dimensions about k My freight closed the on to me aor nl, for afew hous, topped. And, my God, 1 spt what I didat ant It wast iver valley 1 valle Henge hed abvays imagined that dlscovery wool be fer tle and humid ike river valleys Lnever tought would be the immonsedsencounio that ita Temp serie fr continuing to be human just fr setting? | aall now be able to recognize in the common secscTeome peopl hat at they have ogotien, And thot they no lger know tha hey have fongoten a Shey T sn iT know I did because 1 di give i ts reaning, Thnow that Tdi because Fdon't understand it 1 Tow I did because what T saw isn't good for anything. Listen, I'm going to hae to talk because {don't know what {odo with that moment of ving that T experienced. Worse jet 1 dont ike hat Tse Te explodes my day-to-day if. {pslogiz for puting thi all on you, I would have much pre- ferred seeing something better. Take. ienced, ¥ free me fim mycuseles vision. fom my vs Se Tm so frightened that I shall bo alt accept the notion that Ihave lost myself only #1 imagine that some~ | ‘one is holding my hand. 5 ihe fro Bo fpeed “Te PASSION acomsrg to GHP. |. 8 “gadPutting my band in someone eles has abways beon any defiaton of happiness. Before I fal asleep often Teraerid often, DoloreT ge ap Te courage to gato Fe Vantiesof sleep, I pretend that someone has my hand \, ities, and then I go, po to thal enormous absence of form \, that lap And won even aller that dont have oe \age,T dream, Going to slop is very much Hk the wy that I now ‘ve of ging tomy reedon. Giving myself over to some- thing dont understand is peeing mel onthe brink of tothignes. Its goingst By ping, ike andworan lost Tea Bell That supernatural dhing that ig. The living {hat Thad tamed and made fain. Tat cobrageous thing that is for me to give myself over and is like reaching outa hat God's ghostly hands entering tht formes thing that isa paradise, A paradise that doa want! 1g Dann the tine Tmcerting nd speaking Tp going to have. fo pretend that someone is holding my hand. Moh, a least at the begining. only at the bei ning, As soon a Lean do without it Tl goon alone Inthe ‘neste, need to bold this hand of yours--even i ant pistre your face and your eyes and your mouth. But even Tough it cutoff fom aby, this band doen’ sare me Tetetion comes from an ide of love soch tha tis if the hand ere relly attached to body, andi don't see it ffs ocause Tam unable to love nore. fm not wp to pictur fngarmhole person because Imm not x whe person mye ind how ex I imagine a face iF1 don't know what Kind of {rprenvon 1 noed on i AS soon as Tean get along withont Jour warm hand, Il goon alone-—and in terzor. That terror il be my responsbiity until the metamorphosis i com- plete and the teroris transformed int larity, Not the dar fy born of «ces for beauty and oral ke the Kind E 10 Caras LISPECTOR Jooked for before even without knowing it, but rather the natural clavty of what exists, and itis thet natural clarity that terrifies me, Even though I know that the terror the terror is only myself coming face to face with things. ‘nthe meaatime, Tam iaventing your presence, just ‘as one day I shall also be unable to Tet myself die alone, dying isthe greatest perl ofall, I won't be eble to pass over nto death and put my first foot into my frst seltabsence— in that last and so first an hour too I shall invent your name- less presence and with you I shall start to die until am able fom my own not to exist, and then T'l let you go. For now, 1 hhave you, and your warm, unknown life is my only internal ‘organization, I who without your and would fect wnat tached within the enormous space that I have discovered, ‘The space of truth? Bnt the fact is that truth has never made sense to— _ sme, ‘Truth doesn't make sensel That's why I was afraid oft, dnd stil am. Forsaken as Tam, I give everything over to \ Jou-—so you can do something pleasant with it. IFT talk to Jou will frighten you and lose you? but if don't TL Tose ‘myself and in losing myself lose you anyhow. “Truth doesn't make sense, the hugeness of the world makes me shrink. What 1 probably asked for and finaly found still ended up leaving me unprepared, lke a child walking alone across the earth, So unprepared that ‘only my love of ll the wniverse could console me and sat- {siy me, only a love such that the very ege-cell of things ‘would resonate with what I call Jove. With what in fact T fam merely naming without knowing its name. ‘Could it have been love that I saw? But what kind of love iit that is as blind as an ogg;cell? is that what it ‘was? that terror, was it... Tove? a love so neutral that— no, [don't want to talk to myself anymore, to tall would be to precipitate a sense just like making yourself suddenly ‘The PASSION aocording GH. 11stable with the paralyzing sity af tht thi! pg !Or am T simply putting af aaitig to ‘talk? cam L si ive not - ‘ng_and ust playing for time? Because Tim alrald. 1 need Courage to go forth with an attempt to concretize what T Feel. I's as though I possessed a coin and didn't know what counts Har gon 8 SES shall nee courage todo what Ym going to do: to talk, And to run the risk ofthe enormous surprise that am ting to feel at the poverty of what I say. As soon as I say it Fil have to add: “That isn't it, that isnt it at all” But Tit also need not to be afraid of being foolish, I've always zone for the less rather than the more for fear of seeming foolish ‘long the way: and also there's the wounding of one's dig- nity: Tm putting off the moment whem I have to talk. 1s it ‘because I'm afiaid? ‘And because I don't have a word to 5. don't have a word to say. Why don't I just stay ‘quiet, then? Buti {don’t force myself to talk, silence will. ‘wil be the plank forever engulf me in waves. Word and forma wil be Cee ace al at oer bile Sent eee Tif koa piltlag oH Sarting, is also because T hav no guide, Otter uavelers accounts eve me few ts reat the tp al tht inbrmation i horribly ieomplet Maal tat cpio freedom is gradually taking sno oer never bee toy have ado ite eer lading good tte ust wrote "ls fslonce,” which nl have sil ble beesse {have alway respected, Ey and te inne Gecorum, Ihave aad “billows of isn yer humbly fovea T sce Have Lin Stott abandoned w whole system of goed taste? Bute hat Sy only in? low mprsoned st have ben that fe! 2 et cr jst Because Io longer ea lak of ssthet- Pree dont foresee what else Lay have gaved oie Tarn of Me by lite. For now, the Bist in 12 Chee LISPECTOR pleasure that I feel is being able to say that have lost my Fear of the ugly. And that Toss is a very great good. It is @ delight. ‘Levant to know what more I've gained by losing. As ‘of now, I don't know: only in reliving it wil I experience it But how can [relive it? 1f1 don't have a norm sa) " to sy, Shall Ihave to make words as though Tivere creating ‘what happened to me? Tui going to create what happened to me. Only ecaus iving i tebe, Living ble. tal have to erate upon life. And without lying. Yes to creation, no {o fying. Creation isnt imagination, its running the huge isk of coming face to face with realty. Understanding fs a “ration, i's my ony oa. T shall have o painstakingly tans- Inte telegraph signals—transfate the unlaown into & ln- {dpe that | don't now, and not even understand what the Simi amount to. U shall speak in that sleepovallar’slan- tinge that | were avake Wouldnt even be a language ‘And Fl ereate the tath of what happened to me ‘Ob, tll be more a graphism than a weting, since I shall be engnging in reproduction rather than expresion. I noed to capress yee less al the time, Have ITost that as wel? No, ven when I did sculpture Iwas only reproducing, and nly wth ny ands ‘Wil say lost amid the silence of the signals wil, for L know what in like: T never learned to Took without Ahoeding more than just to see, Tknow that Il terafy myself Tie nomeone who was blind and then finally opened her tpesaud saw-—but saw what?a mute, incomprehensible te hale Couldn't that person consider herself liner stil for Seeing only an incomprehensible triangle? Tek yoo if lol into the darkness with a mage nifying das, il I see more than darkaess? Ure Bass Won't sperse Ue darkness; it will only reveal it all the more. And “The PASSION aocoring to GH a‘#1 ook at brightness with a magnifying gas, I shall see, with a shock, only greater brightness. Ihave seen but am ps blind as before bocance Iowan inczorebensbl ‘angle, Unless alo transform mse! See in the iacomprebensible ti repeiton Tm stilling 1 know that everything 1 sy is jas to putt off—to put ofthe moment when Il have to star tlle Ing, knowing that there is noting more for me to say. Ta putting off my silence. Have I heen putting off silence for Iny whole life? but now in my dsparagement ofthe word, perhaps IT finally be able to stat talking. “The telegraph signals. The world bristling with antennas and bere amn I receiving the signal. IIL be abe to do only a phonetic transcription. Three thousand yeas ago Tost my bead, and all that was left were phonetic fag- eats of te. im blinder than before. Vid see, I really di ‘And Iwas terrified by the ra truth of word whose grat fest honoris that eso alive that for me to admit that Tam fr allve as ti2—and my most hideous disoovery is that T fn a lve as it tI shall have to raise my consciousness Of lfe outside to so igh a point that t would zmount to a rime aginst my personal lie Yor the profound morality that felt before—my morality was the desire to understand, and, since I did't Inderstand, Isbuled things around, that wes only yester diy, and now that I discover that I ave always been pro- founly moral: 1adoit only of iality—as for my prior pro- found moralty, for moto discover thet Lam as crudely alive as that bare ight that T learned of yesterday, as for that Inorality of ino, the harsh glory of being alive i horror itself [lived before of @ humanized world did the simply \ ie dest he moray hat Thad hen ‘Avwodtd wholly alive has a Helish power 14 Giarce LSPECTOR a A world wholly alive has Helish power: ‘esteraay moming-when I went ost ofthe dining oom tothe mais room =I no way of wing that 1 rar but ast away fom discovering an empire. Just a step Sow. My tno primary srwgse for more pinay ie was hove to open with the ealm, vracovs ferocity of desert fnimal. Iwas about to confont within myself degree of ngs ray at horde nh ent ‘Noth- ing | War doing, haweve, gave way hint that Y, my lips dry sh tis, was going to Begin to exist Tras nly alorvard that ano phrase wold oor tome, one that yours before had foolishly engraved in my ‘memory ust the sbtitle ofa magazine ale that I ended tp not reading: "Lest in the Fry ell of Canyon a onan Desperately Struggles fr Life.” Thad no way of Fpreseing where Tas headed. But then I nover ws able {ne how things were lening: everytime they reached a SKitiuation, tabs seemed to me to a surprising ap fre, ansbraptexplosion, ataspeiie moment, and ao the ‘continuation ofan uninterrupted ow. “That morning, before Tent into the mais room. what wos TP Tes what others hud alvays seen me 3, and “THe PASSION avoordng GH 18that wa the way ew myself. dont know how to explain wat I vas, Bot at Teast T want to remember: what was I doing? tsa aliost ten in the morning, and it had been a long time since my apartment had been 20 much my own. ‘The mal had quit the day before. The fact that Ure as ‘no one talking or walking around and making something hhappen magnified with it silence this dwelling in which I live n my semifexury. Twas Iingerng tthe oafcetable— hove hard it is becoming to know what Iwas ike. But Thave {0 make the effort to a least gve myself prior fxm, 501 ‘an onderstand what happened when T lost that form Tra lingering over the coffe table, making litle balls out ofthe center ofthe bread —is that right? need to ow, Teed to know what 1 was kel This is how Twas 1 seas distactedly maldng litle, round balls out of the heart of the bread, and my lst, tranguil amorous Halson had dis- Solved amicibly, witha caress, and {had again come into the happy and lig insipid pleasure offredom. Does that situate me? Tam pleasant, {have sioere liendships, and iy avareness of that gies me a gladsuie friendship with nyse that has never excluded a certain self-directed iron, albeit one that I don push very far But. what that elence of mine was ike before don't know and have never dicnvered. Sometimes, while looking ats snapshot taken atthe beach or at party, I ‘would notice, witha slight, ionic spprehension, what that Smiling, dimmed face showed about me: silence. A silence and a destiny that were eseaping me, me a hloroghyphie fragment of an emplte living or dead. Looking a the pic tue Tould see the mystery. No, Ti gong to lose the rest cf my fear of bad taste, Tm going to start my exercise in ‘ournge, living fst courage, knowing that youre living thats courage--and I swear that in the photograph of me f 16 Chaos LISPECTOR could see the Mystery. I would be taken slightly by sur- prise, its only now that Tamm discovering that it was a sur~ prise in those smiling eyes there was asilence such as Ihave ‘seen only in lakes and heard only in silence itself. ‘Never, then, did I have reason to think that one day T would go to encounter that silence, To encounter the splintering of silence. I would take a quick glance atthe face in the photograph snd, for a second, in that inexpressive face the world would look equally inexpressively back at ine, Was that—just that—my closest contact with myself? the greatest silent sounding I have attained, my blindest, most direct link with the world. The rest... the rest amounted to various organizations of myself, 1 know that now, ob now I know. The rest was how I had transformed myself litle by litle into the person who bears my name. ‘And I ended up being my name, All you need to do is see the initials C. 1, in the leather of my Toggage to know that that's me. And I have never demanded of anyone else any- thing more than the mere coverage of the initials of thetr names. What is more, “psychology” has never held any Interest far me. T used to become impatient, and still do, with the psyehologieal attitudes its an instrument that Simply transcends. 1 think I left the psychological stage bbohind with adolescence ad lived & great dea, that is, had expes coaed many facts, Have Tzontehiow perhaps bean ina arry Sir acaD hw: Did ary on eschrge all my sone uties—early and quickly experience. pains and plea- Sures—to get five all the sooner of my lesser human des- tiny? to get fre0 so that T could seek my tragedy. My tragedy lay somewhere. Where was my greater destiny? one that wasn't just the plot of my life. The trag- “Tne PASSION acoorong GH. TTfedy—which {& the greater adventure—had never taken place in me, My personal destiny wa all I know. And all ‘wanted to know: 1 spread about me a tranquility that comes fom my hhaving reached a certain degree of realization about what it means to be G. H., even on Tuggage. Also, without reflec tion, T have adopted my reputation for my so-called inner Iife:T teat myself as others treat me, Tam what others see in me, When I was alone there was no fallofl, there was merely one degree less of what I vas ike with the others, tnd that was always my naturalness and my health. And my brand of beauty. Was it only my photographs that pitured an abyss? an abyss "An abyss of nothingness. Just that huge, empty hing: abyss. act like what is referred to as, finished person, Intermittent sculpting ove? ar Tadeterininate period of time also give me a past and a present that allowed others to sit- tate me: they allude to me as someone who does seul tures that woulda't be bad if they wer less amateurish, For woman, that reputation is a great thing socially and it has located me, as much for myself as for others, an area ‘between man and woman, socially speaking, Which Teft me much freer to be a woman, since Iwas making no formal cffrt to be one "As regards my so-lled inner life, perhaps it was the sporadic sculpting that has given ita light tone of pre- climax perhaps because of that certain kind of attentive- ness that oven diletantish art brings with it, Or because 1 Inve had the experience of patiently clearing awey material to find gradually ts immanent sculpture; or because, again from the sculpture, I have sffered the enforced objectivity of straggling with Something that was other than myself 18 Claes SPECTOR All this has given me the slight tone of preclimax characteristic of someone who knows that, iT listen atten tively to objects, something of those objects wall ome forth ‘nd be imparted to me that will then in turn be given back to the objects, Maybe it was that tone of preclimax that 1 savrin the smiling, ghostly photograph ofa face whose voice fs an inexpressive lence, all people's pictures are portraits of the Mona Lisa ‘And is that all Tcan say about myself? Thet I'm “sincere”? Lam, more or less. I don't Le to conjure up false truths, But [have used truths asa pretext too much. Truth ‘asa pretext for lying? I could just tell myself things that flal- tered me and then tell the underside. But [have to be care- ful not to confuse defects with truths. Tam afraid of what being sincere would lead me to: to my sovealled nobility, which I pass over, to my so-called vulgarity, with which I do likewise. The more sincere I might become, the more Til be led to flatter myself, both with my occasional nobil- ities and especially with my oocasional vulgarity. The only thing sincerity doesn’t lead me to do is pride myself on my inconsequentialty. That I leave out altogether and not just for lack of elf pardon, I who have pardoned every great and important thing in’ myself. Inconsequentiality T omit because confession is often a point of vanity for me, even painful ‘And is that ll Twas? When Lopen my door to unes- pected visitors, what I glimpse in the faces ofthe people ‘who seo me at the door is that they have just glimpsed in ‘The PASSION according GH. 19‘me my tender preclimax. What the others get from me is, then, reflected back to form the atmosphere of what is called “me,” That preclimax may have been my whole exis- fence up to now, The other—anonymous and unknown — that other existence of mine that was merely profound was ‘what probably gave me the sense of security ofa person who alway’ has the kettle on a low flame in the kitchen: what- ‘ever occasion might arse, Pd always heve water boiling. ‘Only the water had never boiled I didn't need vio- lence, [just bubbled about enough to keep the water from ever boiling and overflowing. No, T haven't known vio- Tenee. » may nature didnt impart one to me; and [have always had alight enough hand not to itnpress a role upon myself. I didn't give myself's sole, Dut I did organize myselffor the purposes of my own under- standing. I couldn't pot wp with not finding myself in the catalog, My question, if had one, wasnt “what am 1°” but “rather “among whom am I?” My cycle was complete: what Twas experiencing in the present bad already been condi- tioned in such a way that [could understand myself as a ‘A step away from the climas, 2 step avay from the rewlution,astep avay from what i called love, A step away from my life—which, because of a kind of strong reverse ragaet, I ysn't making into « life; and also because of a will to order. Life's disorder is bad taste. And even 1 ‘wouldn't have known how to transform that latent step aay into a real step if had wanted to. Because of pleasure in a barinonious coherence, because of the greedy, ever-prom 20 Claes LISPECTOR Ising pleasure of holding and not having to put out—I didn't need the climax, the revolution, or even that prelove that is 0 much happier than love itself, Was the promise all T needed? Yes, just a promise, ‘Maybe that atitude or lack of attitude —also came from the fact that never having married or borne children T haven't, 50 to speak, had to wear any shackles, or break any: Tye been continuously free. Being continuously free has been helped slong by my facile nature: Ieat and drink and sleep facile, And of course my freedom has also come from ‘my financial independence. ‘suppose my habit of thinking only at the moment shen itis necessary came from my sculpture, for it taught tne to think only with my hands and only at the time of using them, Also ftom my intermittent sculpting came my habit of pleasure, to which I already tended by natore: my eyes thad handled the form of things so much that I became more and more accustomed to pleasure and rooted myself in it. 1 ‘ould, with much les than my whole self ould work with snything: just ike yesterday at the coffee table, where all T needed to form round forms from the bread heart was the furhice of my fingers and the surface of the bread. To do ‘what T could do T had never needed either suering or talent, What I had in my power wasn’t for me # conquest, ‘twas a natural gift. ‘And among women and men, what was 1? {have lays had an extremely tender admiration for inale habits fand ways of doing things and take an unurgent pleasure in being female, being female vas also a natural git for me. Tve only had a fality for such gilts and not the awe of any swocation—I tink that's it isn’t it? om the table over which 1 was lingering because Thad time, I looked around, while my fingers were making the bread heart into balls, The world was a strange place. ‘Toe PASSION according 9 GH. 21 ikWhich allowed me to live: in the world T could stick one little ball of bread heart to another, Iust needed to put one Boside the other and then all I had to do was push them together, with very little elfort, just enough for one surfsce toadheroto the other, that way, pleasurefully, I was making ‘2 curious pyramid that gave me pleasure: a right triangle made of round forms, a form made up of forms opposite to {tool If that had any meaning for me, the bread heart and ry fingers probably knew what it was ‘The apartment refleets me. It’s on the top floor, which is considered elegant, People in my circle try to live inthe so-called penthouse. If more than elegant. Isa real pleasure: you ean command a cty fom up here. When that logance becomes common, will , without even thinking ‘oh, move to another kind of elegance? Maybe, Just lke ime, the apartament has moist lights and shadows, nothing here is sharp: one room precedes and anticipates the next From my dining room I ould see the mixture of shadows that formed a prelude to the living room. Everything here is the elegant, ironic, witty riposte of a life that has never ‘existed anywhere: my home {s merely an artistic creation, Infact, everything here refers toa life that, iit were real, would litle serve me. What does it trace out, then? If ‘wore real, Iwoaldn't understand it, but I enjoy the copy fand understand it. The copy is very pretty. The circle of autistic and seiiartistic people that I live in should, how fver, make me disdain copies; but I have always seemed to prefer parody, ithas served me well. Tracing life probar by gave me-or does it sil? to what extent has the har- ‘mony of my past life exploded? — tracing a life probably gave ime a sense of security precisely because the life wasn't ‘mine: it wasnt a responsibility that I had to deal with. “The slight, generalized pleasure—which seems to hive been the tone in which J live, or lived—has perhaps 22 Clareo LISPECTOR ‘come from the fact that the world was neither me nor mine: Teould take pleasure init. Just as I ad not made men mine either and could therefore admire and sincerely love them, fas one Toves nonegotisicaly, as one loves an idea. Since they were not mine, J never tortured them "As one loves an idea, My home's witty clegance ‘comes from the fact that everything here is in quotation ‘marks. To be honest about true authorship, Teite the world, have repeatedly cited i, since it was neither me nor mine. ‘Was beauty, a certain kind of beauty, my object, as it s for everyone? did I live in beauty? 'As for myself, without either Iying or telling the truth—jst as in that| moment yesterday morning when T was sitting atthe enffeetable—as for myself, I have aways [rept one quotation mark to my let and another to my right. Ina certain sense, “as if it wasn't me” was wider than if t ‘was—a nonexistent life completely possessed me, oocu- pied me like an invention -Only in the photograph, when fhe negative was developed, was there something else developed as well—something which, not accomplished by ime, was accomplished by the snapshot: when the negative ‘vas printed st showed my ectoplasmic presence. Is photog: ‘raphy the portrait of a concavity, ofa lack, of an absence? Al the while Twas, more than just clean and cor- rect, I was a pretty riposte. For all that is probably what makes me pretty and generous. A man of experience has nly to glance at me to tell that here is a woman of grace fand generosity, one who Is no bother, who doesn't tear a+ ‘man dovm:a woman who smiles and laughs. Lrespect otters | pleasure, and I take my own pleasure delicately, tedium | hhourishes me and delicately consumes me, the sweet te - di of honeymoon. J “That image of myself between quotation marks used to satisfy me, and not just superficially. Twas the image of “The PASSION according GH. 23‘what E wasnt, and that image of my nonbeing flfilled me Cntieely: one ofthe strongest ways of being is to be new- tively. Since 1 didn't know what I was, “aonbeing” was my ‘losest approximation to truth: atleast I controlled the flip Side: Tat least had the “non,” I ad my opposite. What was food for me | did't then know; I experienced, with some prefervor, what was bad for me. “had in experieneing that “bad,” I experienced the ‘backside of what I couldn't even try to want orto attempt, Just lke someone who leads alfe of “depravity” with peril and Jove and at leat has the opposite of what she neither knows nor wants nor ean achieve: the life ofa mun, Only now do Thuow that Thad everything in my bands, though in backward way: I was dediesting myself to every detail on the ‘hon’ side, Through nonbeing in detail, { proved to myself hat —that Teas. “That manner of monbeng vas much more pleasant, much cleaner: for, with no irony nov, 1 am a woman of sitit. And of spirited body. At the coffee table, 1 was fra~ jing myself in my white robe, my clean, well-sculpted fac, land my simple body. From me there irradiated the kind of ‘gaily that comes from indulgence in one’s own pleasures hilin others pleasures, I was delicately consuming my own ‘and delicately wiping my mouth with the napkin “That her, G. H. in the Tuggnge leather, was me; is it... sill? Nol Hence Icaleulate thatthe hardest thing my franity will have to face will be my oven judgment: I shall have al the appearance of ane who has experienced fai- tare and only T shall know i it was requisite Blur. 24 Glace LISPECTOR (Only shall kao if yas requis fre art hc ee hat woman Jace thers mus no mld tat dy, nul be engaging in cee ERI Ped nose eming up Tv aoe Theanine places thn sy ony se Cain By deing ngs erate and understand a the ‘She lime Bat see rou reasoably well-placed ‘Samer, The graualy become pret wel, Ive Seer pug that ling to rato 1 hada ieiGaeeB betel tat do by earn ofboth money and cei ot normaly ve haa domes jb tome Suein great bwse, where there rat deal to put ease? ering fing the bat fora IFT had been arene that would even hie node my diet ‘Sona sapere if could have erly ode ith my nds Ordered form fel? Phun thc overfibidden pleasure of puting ous toes gent at oven whe stat eae, 12 aoay bogn ke plensre inthe mere planning of 1 oka ontund he petment where shuld start? Mito leone erm a th eventh bo, a 5 nthe ocd Tbe fe foes und have the Soma Tha PASSION acconing io GH. 25der of «day in zepase. Repose aliost without joy. which Sead bes good balance forme rom my hous of sly To bed lemme almost yess cam. Thad enjoyed myset toe mech the lst eck, had gone out too much, bad had {Coach of whatever {wanted and {now wanted the dy {Sng eam nt promised to be: time and empty and tod. Twoeld make tg 8 long as possible Maybe start by organizing the bak ofthe ast iment the sas fom was probably thy, what with ts "RUT 'hinaom a sleping quarters and toreroom fr old suas ad tes bck newpaper ov wri ed sing. Td got clean and ready fr the new Pare a tom that end of the apartment, 1 would se sow lining” horizontal to the ompote PrP ne iving rom, wheres hong I myself were the Feithing pi of te econ and of Ure morning —T would set et on nad od th nega, nl “Nona in the proves Ifthe telephone dd og Sj in mind decided to take the phone of the hoo, obo sure that T wou be boheze by 29- thing How can 1 now explain that at ie very ea tad bogun tose something that would become clear only Mee EMocetrewing itt enon the antedamber of HEoom, Thad ogon to see and T did't know it Thad Resa was born and 1 did yet know 1 dat knoe it Give me your anonymous hand, for fee gving me in and Td fw to goon akng—reaty 60 eats nly reality Is delicate, ey wea and my ig natin ze moe substantial ° Having decided to srt my ordering inthe mak’ zoom, Iwont though the hithen, bic leads to the se ‘Ngo tea AX the end of he service are the haley tars 2 Glace LISPECTOR that Leads to the maids room. Before going on, however, I Jeaned against the vall in the service area to finish smok- ing my cigarette looked down: thirteen floors of building below. 1