CAES1000 Core University English Semester 2 2017/2018

Task 3 Report Exemplar

*This exemplar is adapted from an authentic script from the CAES1000 Written Exam.*
*Key academic features and suggested areas for improvements are annotated in the comment
boxes.*

Topic: Surveillance-Oriented Security Technologies

Write an academic report to recommend ways to appropriately implement

surveillance-oriented security technologies in society. You may want to discuss
the impacts of implementing such technologies and its potential challenges, or Comment [A1]: Use of
appropriate numbering system
anything else that can justify your recommendations for section headings.
Comment [A2]: Provides the
full terminology with acronym
1. Introduction for its first appearance in the
text.
With international terrorism and organized crime jeopardizing the security of civilians, several
Comment [A3]: Use of a non-
governments have deployed mechanisms centered on surveillance-oriented security integral citation.
technologies (SOSTs) to combat terror and crime (Pavone & Esposti, 2010). While increased Comment [A4]: An example
of a hedging device to tone
surveillance may appear to be an effective panacea in curbing the heightening miscreancy and
down certain
lawlessness in contemporary societies, the infringement of privacy and the plausible misuse of ideas/propositions.
public information stemming from SOSTs make their enforcement a heavily polarizing issue. Comment [A5]: Brief
background information,
Acknowledging the conflicting trade-off between privacy and security, this report analyzes the highlighting the complexities of
benefits and shortcomings of SOSTs with a thrust on incorporating public perception on the the topic.
Comment [A6]: Clearly
controversial issue. It subsequently proposes multifold recommendations to ensure the
outline the report and state the
transparent ethical and effective utilization of surveillance technologies. author’s stance.
Comment [A7]: Use a noun
phrase in a section heading and
2. Trade-off between privacy and security reflect the author’s stance.
With technology infiltrating public spheres and digitalization of the world accelerating the Comment [A8]: This
transitional introduction
transmission of information, a trade-off is created between privacy and security as prioritizing summarizes the main points
one usually culminates in compromising on the other (Hiran, 2011). (conflicting situation) in sections
2.1 and 2.2.
2.1 Prioritizing security
Proponents of surveillance technologies advocate that with the institution of SOSTs, citizens are
shielded to a large extent from threats from multiple sources - terrorism, organized crime,
common criminality etc. (Pavone & Esposti, 2010). With an increased impetus on national
security, many Westerners and the metropolitan public in the developing world are largely Comment [A9]: An effective
approving of sharing their information or being monitored by legal authorities in exchange for a use of nominalization to link up
ideas within a paragraph.
safer environment to live in (Hiran, 2011).

2.2 Infringement of privacy

There is, however, wide-ranging concern that SOSTs may curtail the fundamental right to
privacy that democracies promise to citizens and may facilitate the misuse of classified
information for illegitimate purposes to serve the government’s vested interests. For example,
when Choice Point revealed in 2005 that scammers had manipulated it to sharing “the private Comment [A10]: Improveme
financial records of 163,000 people, at least 88 million individual records” were endangered to nt: Should introduce the
background of this organization.
plausible theft (Hiran, 2011). Instances like these shed light on the loopholes in surveillance
Comment [A11]: Improveme
mechanisms and how lack of accountability can jeopardize the lives of millions. nt: A page number is missing in
this direct quote.
Comment [A12]: Discusses
3. Potential challenges the idea addressed in the
previous lines.
As establishing a surveillance framework that is fully devoid of loopholes is not feasible, it
therefore becomes imperative that the challenges to enforcing SOSTs are singled out and Comment [NF13]: A
transitional introduction to
addressed. summarize the key ideas in
sections 3.1 and 3.2.
Comment [A14]: Improveme
3.1 Effectiveness in crime reduction nt: Reflect the stance (i.e.
The effectiveness of closed circuit television (CCTV) in curbing and preventing crime is not clear. challenges) in section headings
e.g. ‘Uncertainty of
Research on the crime-reduction effects of CCTV demonstrates mixed results and shows effectiveness in crime reduction’
evidence of the displacement rather than prevention of crime (Kreissl & Norris, 2015; Lim & Comment [A15]: Use of a
clear topic at the beginning of a
Kim, 2016). Additionally, CCTV plays a limited role in the larger, socio-structural reasons for
paragraph.
Comment [A16]: Shows
multiple citation skill.
crime or interventions at individual level, thereby crippling the extent to which surveillance can
arrest the growing miscreancy at the societal grassroot (Kreissl & Norris, 2015). Comment [A17]: Excellent
complex sentence.

3.2 Discrimination in monitoring

Open-street CCTV monitoring has resulted in the “discrimination and exclusion based upon
personal features unrelated to criminal behaviour” (Kreissl & Norris, 2015). According to Norris
and Armstrong (2009), monitoring at an individual level was often motivated by sociological
divisions on the grounds of caste, creed and colour (as cited in Kreissl & Norris, 2015). The same Comment [A18]: Use of a
study reported that 65% of teenagers were surveilled without any concrete reasons and blacks secondary source citation.

were twice more likely to be monitored than their white counterparts. This further raises the
issue of sexually explicit and unjustified monitoring and reinvigorates the urgent need for more
responsible and transparent functioning of surveillance bodies. Comment [A19]: Good
closing sentence to wrap up the
paragraph.
4. Recommendations
As evident from the previous sections of the report, surveillance technologies undoubtedly Comment [A20]: Provides a
serve as the cornerstone for building a safer society. However, their potential misuse severely link to the previous sections and
summarizes the key points.
challenges the effectiveness of SOSTs in maintaining equilibrium between private security and
safety. The following recommendations can be instrumental in addressing the legitimate Comment [A21]: Logically
concerns regarding the pitfalls of SOSTs and can enhance its effectuality in countering societal discusses why the above
challenges need to be
crime. addressed, leading to the
recommendations.

4.1 Legal framework

To eliminate the loopholes in SOSTs and their monitoring, it is of paramount significance that a
powerful, independent legal framework is established. This can ensure the effective Comment [A22]: A clear topic
enforcement of SOSTs and take stringent action against any abuse of surveillance. With a legal sentence. Effective use of
boosters.
boundary in place, the misuse of CCTV or affiliated surveillance technology can be curbed to a
large extent (Pavone & Esposti, 2010). Comment [A23]: Use of
academic sources to elaborate
the stance is evident.
4.2 Comprehensive policy planning
With technology continuously evolving by the day, and increased emphasis on more intelligent
and event-led CCTV systems, it is pivotal that these developments are backed up by appropriate
policy changes (Gill & Spriggs, 2013). A comprehensive policy design is the need of the hour and Comment [PW24]: Improve
it therefore becomes essential that policing agencies and all concerned stakeholders involved in ment:
The correct phrase should be:
the law and order system to be updated with the latest alterations taking place. “in the hour of need”

4.3 Appropriate monitoring

To mitigate the heightening intrusion catalyzed by technological advances and dilute public fear
of invasion of their privacy, it is imperative that monitoring systems are appropriate, well-
balanced and sensitive to public concerns (Esposti & Gomez, 2015; Gill & Spriggs, 2013). If Comment [A25]: Good use of
properly designed and appropriately monitored, CCTV can serve as a powerful tool to enhance multiple citations in this
recommendation section.
security of the masses without violating their fundamental rights of freedom, expression and
privacy.

4.4 Enhancing accountability

To reduce the likelihood that SOSTs will incorrectly target and victimize innocent people as Comment [A26]: Referencing
possible security threats, a mechanism must be in place to ensure the transparency and back to the challenge in section
3.2, to create cohesion between
accountability in the functioning of monitoring authorities (Hiran, 2011). The public must be the sections.
able to exercise its right to protest against any form of harassment in the name of surveillance.
Additionally, making open street CCTV public and notifying people that they are being
monitored can be instrumental in the deterrence of crime. (Lim & Kim, 2016). Comment [N27]: Improveme
nt: No full stop here.

5. Conclusion
As discussed in detail throughout this report, SOSTs are in principle, instrumental in countering
the threats of rampant crime and terrorism but in practice handicap the privacy of the common
man. To ensure that this conflicting trade-off between security and privacy is resolved, it
therefore becomes crucial that a carefully designed, accountable and people-sensitive system
of surveillance is established so that neither of the two is compromised. Comment [A28]: A summary
of the main points and
recommendations.
References:

Esposti, S. & Gomez, E. (2015). Acceptable surveillance-oriented security technologies.

Surveillance and Society, 13(3), 437-454.

Gill, M. & Spriggs, A. (2013). Assessing the impact of CCTV. UK: Home Office Research.

Hiran, V. (2011). Privacy and security in the digital age: Contemporary challenges and future
directions. The International Journal of Human Rights, 15(7), 1091-1106.

Kreissl, R. & Norris, C. (2015). Surveillance: Preventing and detecting crime and terrorism. In D.
Wright (Ed.), Surveillance in Europe (pp. 150-210). London: Routledge.

Lim, H. & Kim, C. (2016). The crime-reduction effects of open-street CCTV. Security Journal,
29(2), 241-255.

Pavone, V. & Esposti, S. (2010). Public assessment of new surveillance-oriented security

technologies: Beyond the trade-off between privacy and security. Public Understanding
of Science, 21(5), 556-572.
 CAES1000 Core University English
Semester 2 2018/2019
Task 3 Report Exemplar

*This exemplar is adapted from an authentic script from

the CAES1000 Written Exam.*

*Key academic features and suggested areas for improvements are

annotated in the comment boxes.*

Overall Grade: A

TASK DESCRIPTION
1. Write an academic report recommending sustainable ways to
prepare for a rapidly aging population. You may want to discuss the
negative effects of population aging, and the benefits (and/or
drawbacks) of various measures with reference to different contexts,
or provide any other information that can justify your recommendations.

An aging population: a challenge for the future

1. Introduction

As medical technology develops, human beings have witnessed a considerable increase in

life expectancy. However, a severely aging population is concurrent. For example, the Comment [A1]: Introduces the topic and
shows stance.

median age of the world population is forcasted to rise from 26.7 years to 38.1 years during
Comment [A2]: Uses alarming statistics to
illustrate the ‘severely aging population’.
2000 – 2050 (Goldstein, as cited in Kye & Arenas, 2014). Moreover, population aging seems
Comment [A3]: Uses secondary citation
accurately.
to be a more eminent problem in some developed countries, e.g. Korea and Singapore Comment [A4]: Good use of hedging.
Comment [A5]: Provides correct ordering of
information in citation when synthesizing
(Global-is-Asian, 2017; Key & Arena, 2014). This phenomenon has exerted great pressure on multiple sources.
1
the unprepared society in aspects of a declined labour force, pension system and social care

for the elderly. This report intends to examine some negative impacts of an aging Comment [A6]: Acknowledges the
complexities of the topic by introducing
various areas of concerns. Also sufficiently
population, then it will offer recommendations for the society to be better prepared for an prepares the readers the scope of discussion
in the following sections.

aging population. Comment [A7]: Shows a stance and

provides a specific outline of the report.

2. Negative impacts and challenges Comment [A8]: Uses clear numbering for
headings.

2.1 Unprepared pension system Comment [A9]: Shows a stance explicitly

with evaluative vocabulary in the sub-heading.
This sub-heading also reflects the main point
of the subsequent section.
Population aging has proposed some challenges to the income of the elderly. Admittedly,
Comment [A10]: Uses an effective topic
sentence to summarize the main argument of
this section.
some scholars argue that an older population is correlated with a richer population (Kluge &
Comment [A11]: Effective use of
‘admittedly’ to signal the counter-argument.
Zag & Loi & Vogt, 2014). However, this can be interpreted from another perspective. Comment [A12]: Improvement needed: this
correlation could have been elaborated to
show more clearly how this perspective is
Traditionally, income of the elderly comes from two sources, i.e. familial support and different from the other one.

pension. With the prevalence of nuclear family, i.e. a couple raises only one child, familial

support for the elderly may be reduced on average because there will be only one child to

support his/her parents in the future (Kye & Arenas, 2014). In light of this, the elderly may Comment [A13]: This rebuttal is well-
illustrated by comparing the past and the
present family structures on the elderly
rely more on the pension system. As Global-is-Asian (2017) points out, some countries’ support. The two situations are clearly
signaled with the use of ‘Traditionally, …’ and
‘With the prevalence of nuclear family,’.
pension systems are not adequately prepared to support a larger old population. Moreover, Comment [A14]: Good use of hedging.
Comment [A15]: Uses integral citations to
illustrate how inadequate the pension systems
the author also suggests that the contemporary pension system does not offer adequate are for supporting the expanding aging
population.
Comment [A16]: Replaces the name with
care for the lower and middle-income group. this pronoun reference to create sentence
cohesion without repeating the same name.

2
2.2 Challenges in post-retirement lives Comment [A17]: Provides a brief, concise
and evaluative noun phrase as a section
heading.

Admittedly, the increase of average life expectancy is a vital advance in human history.

However, the quality of the concurrent lengthened post-retirement lives should also be Comment [A18]: Effective use of booster to
reinforce the need of considering this aspect
which could be perceived as a challenge to a
considered. Physically, old individuals usually face disease, disability and declining cognition society.
Comment [A19]: Effective cohesive strategy
to signal the first aspect of lives. The following
due to dementia. Considering the scarcity of measures that can effectively mitigate these paragraph will discuss the second aspect -
spiritual lives.
Comment [A20]: Missing citations.
symptoms, the quality of the post-retirement lives of the elderly may be severely impaired Improvement needed: this idea is adopted
from Sander, Jesper, & Kras (2015). This
reference could have been properly
(Sander & Jesper & Kras, 2015). acknowledged in-text.
Comment [A21]: Good use of hedging as it
could be speculative.
Moreover, the elderly may face some challenges in their spiritual lives. As argued in a

journal article, elders may face social isolation and detachment due to their loss of Comment [A22]: Incorrect integral citation.
This is an oral citation style.

professional network (Sander & Jesper & Kras). Moreover, the author suggests the Comment [A23]: Missing the year of
publication.
Comment [A24]: Improvement needed:
correlation between these spiritual challenges and a higher health risk. In conclusion, an plural form should have been used as there
are three authors in this source.

aging population has imposed great pressure on the society to design better social

mechanisms to care for the elderly both physically and mentally. Comment [A25]: This concluding sentence
helps readers anticipate the upcoming
recommendation relative to these challenges.

2.3 Declined labour force

An aging population will result in a lower ratio of qualified labour force. This argument can Comment [A26]: Shows effective link with
the section heading by using similar phrases.

be proved by the facts from Hong Kong and Japan where the society is concerned about this

decrease (Murakami & Gilroy & Atterton, 2015; Taskforce on Managing Hong Kong’s Aging
3
Population, 2018). Because the age structure is correlated with the producers-consumers

rate and the general productive rate of a society, it may be argued that an aging population Comment [A27]: Improvement needed: the
two concepts could have been elaborated for
clarity.
will have some negative impacts upon the long-term economic growth (Kye & Arenas, 2014).

3. Recommendations

3.1 Better pension system

As suggested in section 2.1, an aging population urgers the society to develop a better Comment [A28]: Enhances the cohesion of
the report by appropriately referencing
relevant sections.
pension system. The initiative to provide more pensions for every individual may seem to be Comment [A29]: Wrong spelling – urges.

attractive and easy to execute. However, this initiative may be controversial because it

entails the possibility to impose higher taxes onto the society. Some studies suggest that

elevating taxes levels may make workers less competitive and undermine the

entrepreneurship spirit (Global-is-Asian, 2017). This report maintains that though the

worries are valid, a reasonable rise in taxation to provide more pensions for the elderly may

still be taken into consideration in light of the direct benefits it will have for the elderly. Comment [A30]: Demonstrates a critical
evaluation of differing views. First, provides
counter-argument by acknowledging the
limitation of the suggestion ‘However…’,
Moreover, a more sustainable solution to this problem may lie in promoting the equality in illustrated with specific examples from
sources. Then, comments on the opposing
views as ‘valid’ and suggests ‘a reasonable rise’
pension system. For example, Singapore government has introduced a new pension in taxation as a rebuttal ‘though…., ….’.
Comment [A31]: Shows effective link back
to the final example in Section 2.1 ‘does not
programme in addition to its original one to provide better support for lower-income offer adequate care for the lower and middle-
income group’.

4
seniors (Global-is-Asian, 2017). Such a policy may be a good example for future designers of Comment [A32]: Effective use of hedging as
it is just a suggestion.

the pension system to contemplate on.

3.2 Raising retirement age

Another solution to the imposing challenges an aging population proposed may be raising

the retirement and re-employment age (Global-is-Asian, 2017). It is argued by some scholars

that due to the expansion of education, the elderly are better equipped with knowledge and

are more productive (Kluge & Zag & Loi & Vogt, 2014). Consequently, this rise may reduce

the expected declines in economic growth due to an aging population (Kluge & Zag & Loi &

Vogt, 2014). Comment [A33]: Demonstrates an

effectively structured solution section and
good cohesive strategies. Proposes the
solution first ‘Another solution to…’, followed
3.3 Better social mechanisms by the justifications ‘It is argued by…’ and
possible results of the solution in economic
growth ‘Consequently,….’.

As section 2.2 implies, some measures should be taken in order to adress problems the Comment [A34]: Wrong spelling – address.

elderly may encounter in their spiritual lives. For example, Building age-friendly

communities enable the seniors to stay within the community networks instead of being

treated as peripheral citizens (Murakami & Gilroy & Atterton, 2015; Sander & Jesper & Kras,

2015). As section 3.2 mentions, seniors are different from those of the past because they Comment [A35]: Use of multiple sources to
reinforce the practicality of this solution.

are more productive and active. Thus, seniors today are capable of taking up the Comment [A36]: Effective link with the
previous section by using similar vocabulary
and summarizing the key idea.
responsibility of being the central figures of their communities. This difference should be
5
taken into consideration of future social policy designers to develop better social

mechanisms to adress the problems seniors may encounter in their post-retirement lives. Comment [A37]: Solutions are concrete,
relevant and well-justified.

4. Conclusion

Though society has been offering support for the elderly, e.g. pension system, existing

measures may not be well-prepared the handle the pressure exerted on them by an aging

population. Moreover, an aging population has proposed some new and unexpected Comment [A38]: Shows a complexity of the
topic and reiterates a clear stance by including
the counter-argument.
challenges for the society, e.g. spiritual lives of the seniors. This report has examined both

the deficiencies of existing measures and those new challenges. It has also proposed some

recommendations to adress these problems. This report maintains that the challenges will Comment [A39]: This summary is too
general.
Improvement needed: major challenges and
be adressed if the society develops resonable measures to embrace the impending aging recommendations could have been
highlighted.

population. Comment [A40]: Provides a future

implication.

References: Comment [A41]: Provides a complete

reference list.

Global-is-Asian (2017, April 7). Rapid aging exerts pressure on Singapore pension system.

The Lee Kwan Yew School of Public Policy at the National University of Singapore.
Retrieved from https://lkyspp.nus.edu.sg

Kluge, F., & Zag, E., & Loi, E., & Vogt, T. (2014). The advantages of demographic change after Comment [A42]: Arranges the reference list
and sources in alphabetical order of the first
author’s last names.
the wave: Fewer and older, but healthier, greener, and more productive? PloS ONE,
9(9), 96-112.
6
Kye, B., & Arena, E. (2014). Education, elderly health and differential population aging in

South Korea. Demographic Research, 30(26), 753-794.

Murakami, K., & Gilroy, R., & Atterton, J. (2015). The benefits of an aging population: Case

studies from rural Hokkaido, Japan. Local Economy, 24(6), 555-567.

Sander, M., & Jesper, A., & Kras, A. (2015). The challenges of human population aging. Age

and Ageing, 44(2), 185-187.

Taskforce on Managing Hong Kong’s Aging Population. (2018). Hong Kong faces challenge in

how to manage its aging population. Hong Kong: Hong Kong Hospital Authority.

7
 CAES1000 Core University English
Task 3 Report Exemplar

This exemplar is adapted from an authentic student script from

the CAES1000 course

Key academic features and suggested areas for improvements are

annotated in the comment boxes

Overall Grade: A range

Topic: Urban Agriculture

WRITE A REPORT

Write an academic report to recommend ways to appropriately implement an urban

agriculture scheme in your city. You may want to discuss expected benefits and
challenges of urban agriculture schemes or anything else that can justify your
recommendations.
Write an academic report to recommend ways to appropriately implement an urban
agriculture scheme in your city. You may want to discuss expected benefits and
challenges of urban agriculture schemes or anything else that can justify your
recommendations.

Report on the Implementation of an Urban Agriculture Scheme in Hong Kong

1. Introduction

Hong Kong, as an international financial center, has utilized most of its land for Commented [Author1]: The introduction is effective in giving

background and general considerations, stance and areas of

focus.
business activities, instead of the primary sector. In light of the imbalanced However, the first sentence is unclear. Is this statement

true? A glance at a map would suggest otherwise. What is

“primary sector”? Your opening sentence is important: be
development, some advocate that Hong Kong should incorporate urban agriculture accurate in your facts. Academic writing requires clarity,

which is built by careful use of facts, data and sources, and

careful organization and expression of insightful ideas.

which is the practice of agricultural activities within an urban area in a larger extent

(Kennard & Bamford, 2020). Although our city is evolving rapidly as a high-tech Commented [Author2]: Good use of sources, good citation

form.

Commented [Author3]: Avoid personalization where

financial hub, it is vital to realize that UA is not incompatible with rapid development
possible.

Commented [Author4]: Tell the reader you are using this

(Fung, 2015). UA helps the city to be self-sufficient in terms of food production and abbreviation by placing it in brackets after the initial usage
of the full term.

supply when foreign countries restricts food exports at times like a pandemic
outbreak. Discerning the inadequate UA development in Hong Kong, this report

examines the limitations of implementing an UA scheme from the financial and

geographical perspectives as a background, provides recommendations and analyses

the expected outcome. Commented [Author5]: Apart from the minor points above,

this is a good intro: it introduces the topic effectively, gives

some background info, gives some wider considerations

using source citation, and then homes in on a clear stance

and structural outline. Well structured and well expressed.

2. Limitations

2.1 Financial Obstacle: High Operational Costs Commented [Author6]: The report structure is handled well:
sections, section and sub-section numbering, sub-headings.

Whilst UA is associated with huge economic potential, financial impediment Commented [Author7]: “Huge” – careful of dramatic

language. Academic writing aims at cool, controlled

objectivity where possible.

contributes to one of the most prominent obstacles it faces (Tull et al., 2018). As
Commented [Author8]: Good topic sentence (TS). Notice that

TSs are used in report sections too, alongside sub-headings,

as organizational devices.
Kennard and Bamford (2020) stated that quality and price are often mutually

exclusive factors when developing UA. They pointed out that price further affiliates Commented [Author9]: Generally keep to the simple present

when reporting from sources.

Commented [Author10]: Good elaboration explaining the

with the wages of employees and profit of the business. Hence, it is difficult, if not
implications of the point made before. Always unfold your

ideas to probe the implications, consequences,

ramifications of your basic idea or data: never just dump it
impossible, to sell produces with an affordable price with little profit to sustain the
in the text unexplained for the reader to do all the work.
development. Moreover, the costs for equipment and tools, such as technologies for

vertical farming, rooftop gardens and indoor growing, are also relatively high

compared to conventional agriculture because of Hong Kong’s technological

immaturity (Kennard & Bamford, 2020). Given the high cost of this city, rental Commented [Author11]: Note the & in the non-integral

citation.

burden is another significant financial obstacle for UA development (Kennard & Commented [Author12]: Good signposting, suggesting an
accumulation of factors and considerations all organized

around a single issue.

Bamford, 2020). Furthermore, the logistic costs for operations might also construct a
Commented [Author13]: Good signposting.

considerable hurdle to these small business owners (Schmid et al., 2016). As a result, Commented [Author14]: Again, very good signposting,
bringing the reader now to an effective mini-conclusion to

round off the section.

it is not surprising that UA is not a common practice in Hong Kong.
Commented [Author15]: This section is well organized, tightly

focused, brings several points to bear on a single idea, and

comes to an effective conclusion summarizing the basic

implication of what has gone before. Very well handled, with

effective cohesion and flow of ideas.

2.1 Spatial Hindrance: Priority for Other Development due to Insufficient Land
Notice some minor word choice and word form issues:

produces, with an affordable price, logistic costs, construct a

hurdle, etc. Minor problems, but worth correcting.
The inadequate land supply in Hong Kong has attributed to the prioritization of the
Commented [Author16]: Careful of section numbering: this

should be 2.2.

public to utilize the land resources for housing and business development over UA. A Commented [Author17]: Can this sub-heading be made more

concise? Eg, “Competing priorities leading to spatial

limitations”?
sense of UA advocacy in the community is critical for the government to put forward
Commented [Author18]: Careful of word choice. Contributed.
necessary policies to promote the primary sector. Fung (2015) reported that people’s

awareness of local food production has declined for years together with the

development of the agricultural industry in Hong Kong. The public has hardly exerted

enough pressure on policymakers to implement measures in bolstering the industry’s

growth, leading to the absence of a sustainable city strategy for UA development in Commented [Author19]: Good cause-effect relation, again
showing implications and consequences of a particular line

of action. Good criticality.

the long term (Kennard & Bamford, 2020). Given the limited assessable land in Hong

Kong, land is often prioritized for mitigating the pressing housing problem as well as

commercial use that generates actual profits (Kennard & Bamford, 2020). Apart from Commented [Author20]: No need to repeat the year for the

same source in the same para.

the inter-industry competition for land, Kennard and Bamford (2020) found that intra-

industry competition also hinders UA development due to the rival between urban

gardening groups and traditional allotment gardens. Therefore, Hong Kong’s land

Commented [Author21]: Very well organized section: well

supply issue, coupled with the public’s preferences for development, offers a
staged, good sequential elaboration of ideas showing cause-

effect, fact-implication. This is a key element of criticality, in

which the writer probes the ramifications of ideas and
significant challenge to UA advocates.
evidence. Builds well towards the final, concluding sentence.
3. Recommendations

3.1 Rendering financial and technological support Commented [Author22]: Notice that the recommendations
for solutions here in section 3 directly mirror the key

problems identified in section 2. Consistency of focus, clear

In a bid to reduce the operational costs of UA, measures aiming at providing financial direction.

and technological support are suggested being taken. Commented [Author23]: Strong TS, as always with this
student. Clearly demonstrates what we can expect in the

section.

Commented [Author24]: Generally the grammar, syntax and

vocab are excellent, but occasionally, like here, they can slip.

Can you spot other errors elsewhere?

The Hong Kong government is advised to frequently take initiatives in introducing

cutting-edge farming technologies into Hong Kong in order to promote UA among the

business sector. For instance, the hydroponic technology applied in an organic

convenience store in Sai Kung could be widely advocated for the development of

‘mobile farm’ (Sharon, 2019). With reference to Rome and Zürich, online systems can

also be established to form zero-level producer-to-consumer channels, which allow

Commented [Author25]: Very good flow, good highlighting of

consumers to directly purchase from UA farmers, in turn, minimizing costs for
action-result, activity-implication.
logistics and retail (Schmid et al., 2016).

Financially, the HK government is recommended to impose subsidies on UA products

in hopes of turning down their production costs hence aiding UA farmers to break

even, and eventually make a profit. On top of that, the expected prosperous future of

UA industry might attract collaboration between UA and conventional business, for

example of the partnerships between Kroger, Whole Foods and local farmers in

selling UA products in grocers (Grebitus & Price, 2017). Hopefully, this can foster the

popularization of UA in Hong Kong. As Grebitus et al. (2017) agreed, the amplitude

of financial support is therefore directly proportional to the magnitude of the success Commented [Author26]: Notice the tight focus on finances

throughout the sub-section, aided by a lexical field around

finance/costs/prosperous/purchase etc – very clear focus on

of UA in Hong Kong. a particular theme which allows the student to probe

deeper.

3.2 Optimizing Land Use

Optimizing land use, which includes better zoning policies and utilization of

advanced technology, is recommended to solve the difficulty of limited land

availability.

Zoning policies can help Hong Kong to specify the land dedicated to UA development

better. As Schmid et al. (2016) reported, in 2013, the government of Rotterdam

amended its zoning policy to release a large piece of peri-urban area for integrated

functions, namely agriculture, education, biodiversity and leisure. In the previous

year, similar actions were taken by the New York government, giving rise of the

popularization of the practice of rooftop farming in commercial buildings. With these

examples as references, the Hong Kong government is encouraged to actively Commented [Author27]: As so often, the student is quick to

give examples which support the point she has just made.

purchase land and zone out a larger proportion of area for urban farming during urban

Commented [Author28]: The student gives more than one

implication for an idea, thus enriching her argument and
planning. Zoning policies can also address the concerns associated with competition
making it more persuasive. Good criticality, as always.
of land use between agriculture, commerce and residence by designating multi-

functional areas, as Rotterdam did (Schmid et al., 2016). It is noteworthy that

UrbanFarmer AG in the Netherlands also proves the success of combining commerce

and agriculture within a designated area (Tull et al., 2018).

While zoning policies should be improved, the utilization of advanced technology is Commented [Author29]: Good cohesion: looking back to the

previous section & idea, but building on it with a new one.

also essential for UA development. Take Science Barge in New York and

UrbanFarmer AG in Basel and Switzerland as an example, the former is physically

linked with research and development laboratories and the latter serves to design UA

software and aquaponic systems (Tull et al., 2018). The hydroponic and aquatic

systems can be used in rooftop gardens, vertical farming and indoor growing, in turn,

expanding UA within limited spaces (Sharon, 2019). In such, the limited land supply Commented [Author30]: Again, notice how this clearly

echoes the limitation discussed in section 2. Good cohesion,

coherence and organization.

in Hong Kong can no longer be a major obstacle for the city to develop UA.
4. Conclusion

In conclusion, the development of UA in Hong Kong is possible as long as the

government and other stakeholders can address the financial difficulty and land

supply issue by addressing the financial and geographical limitations. This report also Commented [Author31]: Very good reiteration of the two key
ideas the students has been focusing on the whole time.

Effective organisation.
delves into the recommendations for local UA development, which is the optimization

of land supply and reduction of operational costs through technology. It is noticeable

that technology is prevalently needed in both proposed ideas to make UA

development possible in Hong Kong. Therefore, the multi-approach should be

implemented by the Hong Kong government to boost UA development. Commented [Author32]: Effective conclusion: reiterates the

key problems and solutions, without introducing any new

arguments, ideas or citations.

Word count: 1200

 References:

Brebitus, C., & Prince, I. (2017). Relationship between consumer behavior and

success of urban agriculture in a journal. Ecological economics, 136, 189-200.

http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.ecolecon.2017.02.010

Fung, F.W.Y. (2015). Government not doing enough to promote green living, say

Hong Kong’s farmers. South China Morning Post. Commented [Author33]: Give a date for the article – SCMP is

a daily newspaper, so finding the article will be difficult

without a date.

Kennard, D. & Bamford, R. (2020). Urban Agriculture: Opportunities and challenges Commented [Author34]: What is missing here?

for sustainable development. Filho (Ed.), Zero Hunger. Springer.

Schmid, O., Moschi, H. & Dubbel, M. (2016). Governance for urban food systems – Commented [Author35]: What is missing here?
recommendations from SUPURBFOOD project. Swiss Research Institute of Organic

Agriculture.

Sharon, A. (2019, August 14). Hong Kong growing urban farming tech. OpenGove Commented [Author36]: Source is misspelt…. Avoid this!

Opengov Asia.

Asia. https://opengovasia.com/hong-kong-growing-urban-farming-tech/

Tull, E., Hospers, G.J., & van den Berg, L. (2018). Opportunities and challenges of

urban agriculture for sustainable city development. European Spatial Research and

Polic., 25 (2), 5-22. http://dx.doi.org/10.18778/1231-1952.25.2.01 Commented [Author37]: Careless…. Remember credibility -

copy the word properly! “Policy.”

Overall comments

Criterion 1: Structure
Key elements of structuring are present: good section divisions; clear, effective topic
sentences directing the paragraphs, generally good sub-headings (though sometimes
too wordy); careful of repeating section number!

An good introductory section establishing the importance and contested nature of the
topic, with a stance and basic structure given.

An effective conclusion which reiterates the key points without introducing new ideas
or sources.

Sections (for report form) and paragraphing within the sections are well handled.

Topic sentences are all strong and effective, giving clear direction to the rest of each
paragraph. Create and meet reader expectation well.

Use of pronouns, lexical fields, synonyms, referencing words, signposting, linking

words, etc., to show relationships within and between paragraphs are present
everywhere, giving a strong sense of cohesion.

Criterion 2: Ability to express academic arguments

Clearly identified two main issues to focus on, with a range of solutions offered.

The stance is generally consistent, and the position is well backed up with appropriate
evidence from a range of quality sources. The citations from sources clearly support
both the problems and the recommendations.

There are few irrelevancies in the text: almost all information is on topic, and the
writer is very good at exploring both actions and implications, and probing more
deeply. Very good criticality.

‘Clear and concise’: the essay explains concepts so the reader can understand them
easily, and does so in a brief yet comprehensive manner.
The essay offers a position that is not confusing or ambiguous: the meaning is clear,
and the reader can easily understand the range of ideas offered.

Criterion 3: Ability to write grammatically

Grammar: ‘Systematic errors’ (defined as ‘errors made throughout the text rather than
just in isolated places, including the use of subordinate clauses, conditionals, passives,
complex noun phrases, relative clauses, etc’): no systematic errors. The grammar was
fluent, flexible, idiomatic, easily accessible to a reader. The style was appropriate for
the academic genre.

Vocabulary: (defined as ‘using a wide range of vocabulary accurately,’ i.e., able to use
less common words accurately, as well as more common words):
Very well handled, though occasional inappropriate word choice (e.g., ) and word
forms.

Criterion 4. Citation/referencing:

Very well handled in-text citation. Frequent – almost too frequent – and varied.
Careful not to repeat the date for the same source in the same para.

Ordering of information alphabetically in the reference list, and the form is good, but
some elements of the reference list are careless – see the annotations above. This is
disappointing because of how careful the writer has been everywhere else.

Page numbers for direct quotations and secondary citation: not used here, but a reader
can have confidence they would have been properly handled.