THE LIFE ~ Holy Mother S TERESA, foundrefs of the Reformation of the Difcalceate Carmelites, According to the primitive Rule, TOGETHER WITH A fhort Account of the Foun- pations which fhe made. The whole abridged from her own Writings. Aas ii. 17. In the left days, faith the Lord, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flefo s and your fons, and your daughters fall prophecy 5 and yeur young men foall fee vifions &e. St. John xiv. 12, He that loveth me foall be loved by my Father + avd I will love him, and witl manifep nyfelf ia him. v.93. Uf any one love me be will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him, and will make our abode with him, s, Corinth ti, 14. The fenfual man receiveth not the thines that are of the Spirit of Gad: For it is feolifhnefs ta tim, &e. oe LONDON: Printed for W. Netpuam, in Hobbourn, MDCCLYI.THE PREFACE HE life of the boly mother Terefa of Fefus, as written by herfelf, after two former edi- tions, by other hands, was publifhed in our lan- guages anno 1671, by that truly learned and pious convert, Mr. Abraham Woodhead, fometime fellow of Univerfity college in Oxford, a perfon juftly ef- teemed, * even by the adverfaries of his Religion, for one of the greatelt men, that this famous uni- verfity ever produced. As he was not only matter of the Spanifh, but withal f{crupuloufly nice in not departing from the fenfe, or the phrafe of the ori- ginal; his tranflation may be relied upon as moft faithful ; and in this refpect far preferable to the French tranflation of mionfieur D*Andilly, or any other that I have met with. For this reafon, 1 have ~ chofen to make ufe of his labours, rather than any other, in the following fheets: in which the power of Gods grace and his wonders in thefe latter ages, are fhewn forth in an abftract of the life, and of the foundations of St. Terefa, taken from her own writings, and generally delivered in .her own words. As this work is principally defigned, and here pub- lifhed, for the benefit of fuch fouls as afpire to di- vine love, and to chriftian perfection; and. defire to arrive thither, by the exercifes of an internal life; more efpecially by a fpirit of recoilection, and the daily praétice of mental prayer, fo very well taught, and {0 preffingly recommended, by this ex= cellent miftrels ; ic woutd be needlefs to detain them by a long preface, or to make any apology for putting a book in their hands, which by its Hea~ * See an account of his writings and life, prefixed to the third part of his Ancient church Government printed in 1736. oe venlyThe PREFACE. venly doétrive (as it is ftiled by the church in her collect) cannot fail of affording them both pleature, and profit, from the gn@icn of the Svirit of God, which they will every where difcover in it, and that Spiritual nourifhment, which it plentitully imparts to well dilpofed fouls; whoie afiections it with- draws from earthly toys, and elevates to heavenly truths, If any of my readers fhould be defirous of a far- ther account of the f{pirit of this great Saint, and of the many trials fhe went through, by all chat were moft eminent, either for learning, or fandtity, ia Spain, during her life time; and the general ap- probation fhe met with in confequence of thefe trials; as allo of the occafion of her penning down the nar- ration of her life, and of the favours God had done her in prayer, (which fhe on her part never de- figned fhould be made publick) as well as the reft of her works, all written in obedience to our Lord and his vicegerents; and of the admirable fruits her writings quickly. produced; together with her whole manner cf proceeding in prayer; and the fteps by which fhe arrived at the perfection of it; and at all thofe other extraordinary favours, which fhe received from heaven: he may find full fatif- faction in all thefe particulars, in the excellent pre- face, prefixed by Mr. Woodhead to the firft volume of her works, And as to the cavils of Dr Stil- lingfleet, and fome other Proteftants, againft the fpirit and writings of this Saint; they are fully an- fwered, by the fame earned gentleman, in his pre- face to her fecond volume. A TableA TABLE Of the CHAPTERS, CHAPTERTE OW our Lord began to call her to bis divine love from her chi ldbood, by the reading f good “books. Her difire ta die for ‘Chrift, She takes the bleffed Virgin for ber motber “page & Cuap, Ul Lhe karm fhe received from reading ro- mances, and from young giddy company. p4 -CHap. ILL She recovers ber former piety, by the help of godly converfatton and good bocks 5 and dofires to enter into religion, p. 6 CHap. lV. Tbe difpoftiens with which fhe enters inta ‘religion : ber falling fick, and being removed into the country for ber cure : ber prachfe of mental preyer.p.g Cuar. V. What fae suffered, under her cure, for three months: the extremity of ber difeafe s ber trance for four days. pig Cuae. VI, She és carried back to ber ms aalbery 5 3 where fe continues to fuffer for three years, eith much patience, and conformity to God's will, She is cured by the interceffion of St. oleph. p19 Cuap. Vil. She lofes by degrees ber fervour end devotion, by admitting of vifits, and the converfa- tion of feculars ; fo as to leave off for a time the exercife of mental prayer, Our Lords iateriour apparition to ber, The death of ber fetter Pp. 25 CHap. VILL The manner of ber proceeding, after ‘ber returning to the excrcife of mental prayer: fit perfuades all perfous to ufe it. D372 Cuar. IX. By what means our Lord legan t4 * ewaken ber foul, ber fervent prayer before a coucut : pidlureA Telk of the Chapters. piiure of cur Saviour, ber reading St. Auguftine's Confeffions 5 and the effet they produced. p. 42 Cuar. X. The extraordinary favours our Lord be- gan to do her in prayer: Her fears thereupon. She makes a general confeffion to a father 7 the Society of ‘fefus. 47 Cuap XI. The progrefs fhe makes after ber ge- neral confeffion, Elev conference with St. Francis Borgia. Our Lord fpeaks to ber interiourly: the efficacy of thefe cizine words. She bids defance to all the devils. p. 60 Cuae. XID. She receives frofe favours from God. Our Lord by an intellectual vifion reprefents bimfelf to ber, in bis facred humanity. The account fee gives of St, Peter of Alcantara. P.7 CHa. XUL She is favoured with another kind of vifion of our Lord, ecearly reprefented to her inward eves, with flape and form, aid inconceivable beauty. The adinirable effetts of this cifton. p. 86 Cuap. XIV. Her vifions and other extreordinary graces continue, and encreafe upon ber, in fpite of all refftance. Some particular favours ” here Specified. P94 Cuap. XV. The account foe gives of ber raptures or extafies, and of the effects ‘of thems; in the dif- courfe of her life. Chap xx. xxi. p 102 Cuap. XVI. Our Lord vemedies many of ber troubles, and gives ber great light and confolation by means of that boty man fatber Peter of Al- cantara. he great defelations and confiitts fhe Sometimes endures ; with a varicty of temptations, with which the devil feeks to difquiet her. p. 119 Cuap. XVII. Our Lord is pleafed to put her in Spirit, into a place of bell, which was prepared for ber fins. The benefit foe reaps from thisvifion.p 136 Cuap. XVUL The great bent foe receives from other beaven'y favours. Divers particulars of ber extofies, and revelations, p. 14.2 ; Cuap.A Table of the Chapters. Cuar. XIX. A relation of other siraculous graces, and fublime vifions, with which foe is favoured by our Lord p. 168 Cuape: XX. The holy mother is commanded to write can account of ber life, and of the favours foe receives from God ia prayer : fome obfervations on her wrtt- ings. Father Avila’s letter to ker. pe 17 Cuap. XXI. Osher relations written by the holy mother, in which fhe gives an account of tke fiate of ber foul to fome of ber confeffors. p. 181 Cuap, XXII. The Saint is infpired with the defign of erefling a new monofery, in which a friffer enclofure , together with all the rigours of the primitive rule of ber Order, might be obferced. p. 207 Cuap. XXII. The dufne/s of the foundation of she monaftery is interrupted for a time, and afterwards refumed. The difficulties the Saint meets with on the one band; and the confolations foe receives frou God on the other. p. 213 Cuap., XXIV. Whilft the bufinefs of ibe monafiery is privately carried on, the Saint is fet, by obedience, from Avila to Toledo, for the confala~ tion of a@ very eminent Lady. A learned Domi- nican there is much advanced in Jpirir, by ber interceffion. p. 224 Cuap. XXV. 4 conference of the boly mother with a devout fier of the Order, determines ber to found ihe new monaftery in poverty, Our Lord prefes ber to return to Avilas she affatr of the new efablifoment requiring ber prefence there pp. 254 Cuap, XXXVI The wonders of God in the efte- blifhment of the new mouaftery, The perfecution the holy mother fuflains on this occafien, The long and obftinate oppofition of the city of Avila is over- come at laft. The Saint is allowed by ber provin- cial to fettle in ber new foundaton, p. 242 Cuap. XXVHU. After five years abode in her new sonaftery of Avila, the boly mother is licenfed by theA Table of the Chapters, the General of the Order, to erec? other menafieries of nuns, aid to fod two convents of dilcalceate Friers: Ske founds the moneftery of Medina del Campo; aid engages An‘ony of Jefus, and John of the Crofs, to embrace the primitive iaitute. p.257 Cuap. EXVIIL She founds th lagon, end Valladolid: Tbe faintly life cud death of « nun of this latter place. p. 269 CHap. XXIX. The foundation of the firfl convent of the difvelceate Cormelite Friers, p. 280 Cap, XXX. The foundations of the ionaferies of Toledo, Paftrana, avd Salamanca, p. 287 Cuar. XXXL Che foundation of the monefery of Alva: The biffory of the Voundvefs; a:d of the vifion, which gave occafion to this fatrdction. 296 Cuap. XXXIL The foundation of the monaferies at Segovia, aid at Veas: the wonders of God ta the converficit, and miraculous recovery of the Foundrefs of tae latter. p. 303 Cuap. XXXII. Of the foxndation of the nsughery of Sevil ; with on account of the firft nun that was admitted here. P37 Cuap. XXXIV. The foundation of ihe mouajery of Caravacca. A perfecution is raifed again cll the difcalceste, end a frop is put for four xears to the Soxndetions. The florin at length is appealed. p 327 Cuap. XXXV. The foundation of the imonaftery at. Villanova, The erenitical life, aufterities and penances of the Lady Catharine de Cardona. She eppears after ber death to the Holy-Mether. p 335 Cuap XXXVIL The foundation of the ionufleries of Palentia, Soria, Burgos, ead Granada. p. 345 Cuap. XXXVI Of the holy and happy death of the Saint ; aid of fome remarkable things that ac- companied or followed it, ' Dp 385 Cuap. XXXVI. Some words fpoken by our Lord at fuadry times to the boly mother Tercfa, which were found arnoagft ber papers after ber dcath, -p. 964 THETh LIFE OF THE Holy Mother &: TERESA, Abridged from ber own uritings, CHAPTER IL How onr Lord began to call her to bis divine love from ber childbood, by ihe reading of good books. Her de- Sire to die for Chrift, She takes the bleffed Virgin for ber mother, feu] HE holy mother Terefa of Jefus eS) was born at Avila, a city of Caftile, Anno 1415, of honourable and virtuous parents. Her father /- phonfus de Cepeda delighted in read- ing good books, of which he kept a good ftore, in Spanifh, that his children might alforeadthem. He was aman very charitable tothe poor, compaffionate to the fick, B and2 The Life of the Holy Motler ° and tender to his fervants: one of much truth, very averfe from detraction, and fwearing, and exceedingly modeft and chaft. Her mother, Bea~ trice de Abumada, was alfo endowed with many vir- tues, and paffed her life in great afflictions, and grievous fickneffes, in a moit chriftian manner 5 and made a happy end, at the age of three and thirty. From thefe pious parents the little Tere/a received very early impreflions of piety: fo thac being as yet but fix or feven years old, and delight- ing much in reading the lives of the Saints, and other fpiritual books, treating of eternity ; the had already learnt to defpife all “that pafies with time, and to be in love with the eternal truth. In read- ing thefe books, fhe affociated herfelf with her little brother Rodrigo, who was about the fame age. * And we found ourfelves, {ays fhe, ( Life chap, © 1.) much amazed to perceive in thofe things which we read, that both the pain and the glory of the next life was to laft for ever. And we would be often fpeaking of this, and we took pleafure in repeating thefe words many times Far ever, Sor ever, for ever; and by continuing to pronounce them long and often, our Lord was pleafe to im- print the way of truth upon my heart, in that very infancy of mine. © When (in reading the lives of the Saints;) fays fhe [ Lifechap.i.} 1 faw the martyrdoms, through which fome of them had pafied, for the love “of our Lord, methought they had bought heaven, (where they were to fee and enjoy his divine ma- jefty) very cheap: and I myfelf alfo defired much to die fo,—that I might come by fo compendious a way to enjoy thefe great felici- ties, which | had read to be imparted in heaven. I affociated myfelf therefore with this brother of mine, to confider upon the means of our obtain- ing this end: and we refolved we would go ingo § the « aan nen nna fon aw ann nnn nnenS&. TERESA. 4 * the country of the Moors, begging all the way * for the love of God, that fo we might be be- © headed there. And it feemed that our Lord gave * us courage enough, in that tender age of ours, if * we could have found any means to have brought * it about.’ In effect they attempted it, and were gone out of the town for that purpofe; but their unkle met with them on the road, and brought them back to their father’s houfe. * When I faw, fays fhe, it was impofiible for * me to go, where they might put me to death for’ * the love of our Lord, my brother and I projected * how we might become bermites at home: and for ‘this purpofe, in a certain garden which be- “longed to the houfe, we endeavoured to make * ourfelves hermitages the beft we could, by pil- © ing up little ftones, which would prefently be fal~ * ling down again: fo that we met with no means © to put our good defires in execution—In the mean time, I gave alms, as well as J could, though it were but little, I procured to be much alone, for the better doing my devotions, which were many ; and efpecially that of the Rofary, to which my mother was much affected—~and I took par- ticular contentment, whilft I was playing with other children, like myfelf, to frame certaia little things like monafteries, as if we had been suns ; * and [ feemed to defire to be one, though not with * fo {trong a defire, as ! did thofe other things, © which I {poke of before. © Tremember that when my mother died, fhe © Jefe me a little lefs than twelve years old. I was * very much afflited, when I began to underftand * how great a lofs I had fuftained in ofing her’: © and fo I went before a picture of our bleffed Lady, * and befought her with many tears, that fhe would * vouchfafe to be my mother. And though I per: * formed this little action in a plain and fimple - B2 © manner ae na OA4 The Life of the Holy Mother * manner, yet methinks I may well conceive, that “ithath ferved me to very good purpofe: for I © have moft evidently found the favour of this fo- * vereign virgin, with relation to alt things wherein ‘ST have recommended myfelf to her.’ So far the Saint. CHAPTER IL. The barm foe received from reading romances, and from young giddy company. ND here in the fequel of the hiftory of her A life, fhe laments that after fuch good be- ginnings as thefe, and continuing in thefe pious difpofitions, till fhe was a little more than four- teen years of age (in which time, fhe fays, fhe is much inclined to think the never forfeited the favour of God, by any mortal fin, nor loft the fear of his divine majefty) the began to relent in her de- votion, and to be in love with vanity and idle converfation. The firft {tep towards this unhappy change, was her reading romances, to which fhe grew fo much affected, as to {pend many hours both of the day and night, in fo vain and dange- rous an exercife: though fhe took care to conceal this all the while from her father, who had a great averfion to books of that nature ; and would not, if he had known of it, fuffered them in his houfe. But what did her ftill greater harm, was the com- pany and converfation of other young people, efpe- cially of a kinfwoman of hers, one about her own age ; who was very light, and vain, and fond of all the dangerous amufements and idle diverfions of this deluded and deluding world. With this cou~ fin, and another of the like difpofition, the began to delight. to-converfe ; and willingly gave ear to all - —_ : theirS. TERESA. 5 their difcourfes about their vanities, and fooleries, and the fucceffes of their loves: like them fhe began to make herfelf fine, and to defire to grow acceptable by feeming handfome; though without any ill intention; for fhe ever abhorred all impurity ; and would not, as fhe fays, upon any terms that any one fhou!d offend God by her occafion. However fhe did not avoid the occafions, that carried danger with them, liking to pafs her time in fuch company - as was no ways proper for her, and in what worldlings call pleafant converfation, till fhe was fo. far changed for the worfe, as to feem to have quite put off her former inclinations to piety and devo- tion; and to have put on the oppofite fpiric of the love of worldly pleafures, and idle paftimes. But three months had fcarce pafled in thefe vani- ties, when our Lord was pleafed to remove her our ofthe way of thefe dangerous occafions, For her eldeft fifter, who had the care of her at home, being married, her father fent her to be a penfio- ner, in a nunnery of the order of St. Auftin : where amongft fuch good religious women, as, the fays, they were in an eminent degree in that bouje, and of great purity, obfervance and recolleftion, her foul was quickly awakened, and began again to accuftom itfelf to the good impreffions fhe had received in her child- hood. So great a matter it is to be brought into good company. B3 CHAP,6 The Life of the Holy Mother CHAPTER. IL She recovers her former piety, by the help of godly conver- Satin and got books, and aefires to enter into religion, N this monaftery, one of the nuns was lodged in the apartment allotted for the penfioners 5 whole difcourfes were greatly lerviceable to her foul, © | began, fays fhe, (Chap iii.] to take pleafure in the good and holy converfation of this religious woman ; and was delighted to hear how well fhe was wont to fpeak of God; for fhe was very holy and difcreet: and I conceive, 1 never did at -any time ceafe to be glad to hear fuch difcourfe. She told me one day how fhe became a religious woman, by the only reading of that place of the golpel, thar many ere called but few chofen. And fhe fpcke much to me of the reward which our Lord -is wont to give te fuch as leave all things for the Jove of him. Ina word this good com- pany of hers began quickly to put to flight thofe cuftoms and conditions, which ill company: had brought upon me, and toreftore the defires of eter- nal things to my thoughts; yea and to remove in fome part that great oppofition which I had againft being a nun, And now if I chanced to fee any one, who fhed many tears when fhe prayed, or was endued with other virtues, I carried a kind of envy towards her: though as for this heart of mine, it was fo very hard, and even impenetrable in this kind, that if | fhould have read over the whole hittory of the paffion of our bleffed Saviour, | was not able to fhed a tear; and this gave me a great deal of pain. ‘In this monaftery did I remain a year and a half; and I was much improved there: I began : * to * earn anne enw nner nwn nw nnanan nn ne&%. TERESA 7 to fay many vocal prayers: and I begged of all the religious, that they would recommend tne much to God, to the end that he might place me in that way of life, in which I might be likely to ferve him beft... At the end of the time, I already began to be more inclined to be a re- ligious woman; though yet not in that houfe, where 1 was then, in regard of thofe adtions of extraordinary virtue and penance, which I under- ftood they ufed; and which feemed to me of too much rigour.—I had alfo a great friend in another monaftery ; and this was partly a reafon, why, if I were to be a religious woman, I would not choofe to be fo in any other place than where that friend of mine was. For | had more regard to the gra- tifying my fenfuality and vanity, than to the be- nefit | might bring to my foul. * Atthis time our Lord, in order to difpofe me for that ftate of life which would be beft for my Salvation, fent me fo great a ficknefs, that I was forced to return home to my father’s houfe. After I was recovered, they conducted me to make a vific to one of my fifters in the country. In the way, I called to fee an unkle, my father’s brother, whe was a very difcreet man, and of great virtue. He was a widower; and our Lord was then more and more difpofing him for his divine fervice : and when he grew older he quite left the world, and became a religious man; and ended his life in fuch fort, that I believe he now enjoys the vifion of God. He would needs have me as I paifed, remain with him fome days. His ufual exercife was to read good books; and his difcourfe was moft commonly of God, and of the vanity of the world: and thefe good books he would alfo make me read ——And though I ftayed not long in that place, yet by the effect, which the words of § God, wrought in my heart, whether they were B4 © read an annnannnnnnnnnnnan € «, © . € ‘ c © ry ‘ ‘ ‘6 © ‘ ‘ © 6 ‘ c$ The Life of the Holy Mother © read, or heard by me, together with fo good com= * pany —I came to underftand this cruth, which I * had learnt, when I was but yet a child; viz that * all was nothing ; and how great the vanity of the world was; and that all would be ‘hortly at an end; and that 1 might juftly fear, left dying in that condition wherein I was, I might chance to drop down into hell. And though my will did bot yet entirely determine me, to make myfelf a religious woman, yet ] well difcerned, that it was the better, and more fecure ftate; and fo by little and little, I refolved to force my heart to em- brace it. In this conflict I remained three months, {purring myfelf on with this confideration, that the troubles and afflictions of a religious life could not be greater than the pains of purgatory ; and that J having fo well deferved hell, ought not to think it too much, if { fhould remain for the fhort time 1 fhould live here, as it were in pur- gatory ; fo that afterwards | might go ftrait to heaven. For this was my defire. But yet even in this inclination of mine to take this ftate upon me, I doubt ] was more moved by a kind of fervile fearthan by (pure) love. The devil in the mean time reprefented to me, that I fhouldnever be ab'e to-fuf- fer che difficulties and troubles of a religious life, be- caufe | had formerly been ufed fo delicately, and was fotender. But yet againtt this alfo I defended my- felf aswell asI could by the affiitions which Chrift our Lord had endured for me, and that therefore it would not be much for me to endure fome for him. 1 ought alfo to have confidered that he would give me his grace to help me to bear them : though f dont remember whether I had this laft confideration, or not: but I am fure I had temp- ¢ tations enough, about thattime. 1 then alfo grew + to have great fits of fainting, by occafion of a * burning Pn ae ae ar ee i °S%. TERESA, 9 ‘burning fever, into which I fell ; for I always had * but litcle health. _ © Bur it gave me even my life at that time, that * J] was already grown to love good books; and fo © I came to read the epiltles of St. Ferom; which _* helped me to fuch a heart and courage, as to make © me refolve to impart my defign to my father-—~ * but he loved me to fo ftrange ‘a degree, that I “could by no means obtain his conient-—~The * moft that 1 could get at his hands was that when « he thould be dead, { might difpofe of myfelf as I * pleafed. But as for me, I was dubious of my * own great weaknefs, as fearing that 1 might thus “ lofe ground, and fall back again: and therefore “1 thought it was not fit for me to content myfelf © with the offer he made; but determined to ob- © cain my end by another means, which I will now * declare, CHAPTER /IV. The difpoftions with which foe enters into religion: ber falling fick, and ber being removed into the country, for ber cure: her prattife of mental prayer : {Chap. iv.] N thefe days, whilft I went on with this de- termination, 1 perfwaded one of my brothers to become a religious man, by difcourfing to him upon the vanity of the world: and fo we both of us agreed to go very early together, one morning, to the monattery (of the Incarnation of the order of the Carmelites) where that friend of mine abode, to whom I bore fo great an affection: though yetin this laft firm purpofe of mine, I was grown to fuch a refolution, that I would have lived * wherefoever I thought I might ferve God beft-— * for en10 The Life of the Holy Mother © for now I fought more earneftly for the good of my foul; and made no account at all of reft or eafe. And I remember (to the uttermoft of what I can call tomind, and in very truth) that whilft I was going out of my father’s houfe, the tharp-- nefs of fenle, I then felt, was fo extreme, that [ believe it will net be greaterin the agony of death —And there being no fuch love of God in me at that time, as was able to extinguifh that love which my heart bore to my father, and to my friends, all that 1 then did was with fo mighty a violence, that if God had not given me great help, my own confideration would never have been able to carry me on: but here he afforded me fuch courage, even againit my own nature, that 1 had the power to put my purpofe in execution. © Acthe inftant of my taking the habit, our Lord gave me well to underftand, how highly he fa- vours thofe, who offer themfelves violence, for the doing him any fervice ; though yet no body elfe had found by me, but that 1 entred into the way of religious obfervance, with much facility and good liking. But at that very inftanc J re- ceived fo great contentinent, to put myfelf into that manner of life, as hath never failed me once to this very hour. And God changed that dri- nefs, in which my foul had formerly been, into an extreme tendernefs ; and all the obfervances of religion gave me great delight : yea and it is true, that whilft 1 was fometimes going up and down to fweep the houfe, at {uch hours as before | had been wont to employ in dreffing out mylelf and in vanities and paftimes, and confidered that I was now free from all that flavery, it gave me a particular joy, and that fo very great, that it even amazed me; nor was I able to underftand whence the fame fhould come——~Here I know £ not Pr eee ee OR RR RHRSt. TERESA, I * not how I can proceed, to think of any thing © elfe, when I confider the manner of my profel- © fion s and the great refolution and tendernefs of © devotion, with which I made it, and the e/pou/als which i then perfected with thee, O thou my fove- reign good, and the fweet repofe of my foul. For I cannot {peak of this without tears, (which ought to be even of blood) nor without the breaking of my very heart-——when I reflect how deeply | of- fended thee afterwards, * In the mean time, the change which I made in my way of living, and the difference of my diet at this time from the former, began to do me hure in the way of my health, notwithftanding the great contentment which I felc in that ftate of life. Fits of fainting and fwooning began to increafe upon me, and a pain of my heart fo great, as amazed all them that faw it, befides many other infirmities. And thus I pajfled through my firft year, with a very infirm health : though yet within that time f conceive myfelf not to have offended God much. But now my fick- nefs being fo great, that it deprived me almolt, yea fometimes altogether, of my fenfes; the dili- gences which my father ufed for my recovery were alfo very great; and when the doctors of thofe parts found no remedy, he procured to have me removed to a certain place, where there was great talk of the curing of many other infirmities, and fo they affured themfelves that mine alfo would be cured. That friend, whom | mention- ed to be in that houfe (fifter Fane Suarez) who was of years, went with me: for in the monaftery where we lived, they made no vow of enclofure. © flayed almoft a year in that place, and * during three months thereof, I fuffered fo * exceffive torments by the manner of the cure, * which ewan nann - nn ean nnn enn news ane a12 The Life of the Holy Mother which was very rigorous, that I know not how 1 was able to endure them. : * This cure was to be taken in hand in the begin- ning of fummer; and I went in the beginning of winter. Inthe mean while I remained in the houfe of that fifter, of whom.I fpoke before, who dwelt in the country near the place. When I de- parted from my uncle, whom | had vifited in my way to her, he gave me a certain book entitled the third alphabet (of F. Offuna) which treats of the prayer of Recolleétion and Quiet. Now though in that firft year I had read fome good books, forbearing utterly to look upon any others (as knowing the hurt which fuch as thefe had done me,) yet I knew not how to proceed in mental prayer, nor how to obtain recollection ; and fo I was very glad of this book, and determined to follow that way which it recommended, -to the uttermoft of my power. And fince our Lord had already been pleafed to beftow the gift of tears upon me; and fince | delighted alfo in reading, I began to fpend a good part of my time in folitude, and to confefs myfelf very often,- -and in a word, to proceed, by that way, tiking that book for my mafter. _ © In thefe beginnings, his divine majefty began to do me fo great favours, that during the time which I remained there (which was about nine months) in this way of folitude ; though I was not to free from offending God as the book directed ——our Lord began to give me the prayer of Quiet (or repofe of the foul, forgetting all things elfe, and refting in the contemplation of God, ) * and fometimes it came fo far as to arrive at union (of the powers of the foul abforpt in God ) ¢ though © at thar time J neither underftood the one, nor ® the other, nor knew how much they both of them * deferved to be valued—~True it is that this anion * conti- en an eR RR RR RMR RHR RHR HHO Cannan& TERESA, 3 * continued with me, but for a very fhort time : « yet the effects it produced in me were fo very great, that whereas I was not then fo much as twenty years old, methought 1 found the whole world under my feet; and fol remember well that £ was wont to have a great compaffion for fuch as followed the ways of the world, though it were but even in lawful things. * I endeavoured the beft I could to carry our Lord, our true Good, ftill prefent within me: and this was the manner of my prayer. If [ thought upon any paffage or myftery, I repre- fented it in my own interiour, though | fpens more of my time in reading good books; which was all the recreation that |had. For Gad gave me not the talent of difcourfing with the under- ftanding; nor to help myfelf by the ufe of my” imagination,—now although by this way of not” being able to employ, and fet the underftanding” to work, in the way of difcourfe, men may fooner arrive at contemplation, if they perfevere: therein; yet it is very troublefome and paintal: —and for thofe that proceed thus, it will: be: expedient, or even abfolutely neceffary to make ufe of a"book ; for reading greatly helps to-re- collect a perfon, in this cafe ; even though what he reads were but little -—— without this, it would have been impoffible for me, for eighteen’ years to have endured that extream difficulty, and thofe great aridities, which I fuffered, through: my not being able, as 1 was faying, to difcourfe Cby the underftanding). In all thele times, § * never durft begin to pray (mentally) without a- © book in my hand, unlefs it were prefently after * having received the holy communion: and my © foul was as heartily afraid to enter upon prayer, © without a book, as if I had been to fight with a * multitude of people : but by the help of a good * book “ an aan aR mann nn mre BR RH HRM14 The Life of the Holy Mother * book, which was as a guard, or as a buckler, with which 1 might defend myfelf againft the aflaults of many diftracting thoughts, [ went on with comfort : but whenfoever | had no book in my hand, my foul was inftantly in diforder, and my thoughts wandred up and down; till, by reading, 1 began to recollect them; and then my heart went on cheartully and delightfully : yea and many times in the very opening of my book, I found myfelf to need no more. Sometimes alfo I read litcle, and fometimes much, accord- ing to the favour which our Lord was pleafed to do me, more or lefs. And it feems to me, that if in thofe beginnings, of which I am fpeaking, I had had books, and means to continue in foli- tude, there could have been no danger, which’ would have been able to have deprived me of fo great a good (God’s favour)—and indeed the timé which | then spent in God’s fervice, did me very much good towards the bearing thofe terrible © fickneffes, which | endured with fo great patience, © as his divine majelty vouchfafed to beftow upon “ me, a CHAPTER V. What fhe fuffered, under ber cure for 3 months , the extremity of ber aifeafz, ber trance of four days. * Ff forgot to relate, [fays the Saint Chap. v.} © ft how in the year of my novicefhip——there “ was a religious woman, in the monaftery, fick © of a very grievous infirmity, which put her to * extream pain; for fhe had certain ulcers in her * body, which grew from fome great obftructions 5 * and. by thefe fhe difcharged whatfoever fhe took. ‘She died, in a fhort time, of that difeafe, and * whereasSs. TERESA, 15 * whereas ] found that all the reft of our commu- nity had great apprehenfion and fear of the like; for my part, I much envied her patience; and I begged of God, that if he would but be pleafed to favour me with that virtue (pa- tience) he would fend me what fickneffes he fhould think fit: and I thought | feared no di- feafe in the world; forI was fo bent and fet upon the gaining of eternal happinels, that I was refolved to compafs it, how dear foever it might coft me. I am not without wonder at this: for at that time I poffeffed not to my thinking fuch a love of God, as afterwards I conceived my- felf to have, upon my beginning to frequent the exercife of mental prayer, But only I was grown to have acertain light, which fhewed me, how little efteem all fuch things deferve, which mutt quickly have an end; andhow mightily thofe blef- fings are to be valued, which are eternal, and may be obrained by us at fo cheapa rate. His divine majefty did alfo hear me in this: for before two years were expired, came to be in fuch a con- dition, that howfoever my difeafe were not of that other fort, yet I believe that this, which [ had for three years together, was not a whit of lefs trouble and torment to me, than that other was to her, as I hall now relate. © The time being now come, I was condutted to the place, where my cure was to be talcen in hand, by my father, my fifter, and thar religious woman my friend, who loved me much-—-where T remained three months, with extreme efli@ion ; for the cure was by much too hard for my com- plexion : infornuch that at the end of two months of thofe three, the roughnefs of thofe remedies did even, as it were, make an end of my very life; and withal the rigour of that ficknels * of « annnnne nn anne nann enn ane nem rn wenn nanan16 The Life of the Holy Mother of my heart, of which I went to be cured, was grown to be much more violent ; in fuch fort, that fometimes it feemed to me as if my very heart had been pierced, and penetrated with fharp teeth; fo thac they were afraid 1 fhould run mad. Together with this great lofs of ftrength (for 1 was able to take no food at all, except it were liquid, and that with great reluctance) I had a continual burning fever; and 1 was quite con- fumed ; for they had daily given me a purge for almoft a whole month together: and indeed I was even fo burnt up, that my finews began all to fhrink : and this with fo infupportable a torment, that J could not take any reft, either by day or night: and all this while, I was alfo oppreffed with a moit profound fadnefs of mind. © With fach a kind of gain as this, in point of health, my father brought me back to his own houfe, where the phyficians came to vific me. again ; and they all gave me utterly over 5 for they faid that befides all the reft, I was fettled ina hedtick fever. But this troubled me very little; for that which afflicted me moft was the fharp and bitter pain which never left me; but af- fected me even all alike from head to foot. For the torment of the finews, is an intolerable kind of thing, as the doctors affirm; and efpecially when they all fhrink up, as mine did——~I con- tinued not above three morths in this rage of pain: and indeed it feemed even a kind of im- roffible thing for me to endure fuch a complica- tion of evils all together, And now I am even amazed at myf-lf, and | hold for a great favour of our Lord, the patience which his divine ma- jefty was then pleafed to give me, for it was evident that it came from him. It affifled me * alfo much towards the having this patience, that * Lhad read the hiftory of ¥o, in the morals of * St. Gregery nee ne mn mn nnn nwnnnna ee er§ TERESA “9 * St. Gregory ; and our Lord feems to have prepa- “red me by that means, as alfo by my having * begun in fuch manner to ufe mental prayer, as that I might be able to bear my pain with much conformity to his holy will. The converfation of my heart was wholly with him: and I had thofe words of Job very ufually, both in my thoughts and in my mouth, If we have received good things at the band of God, why should not we alfo receive evil? Job ii. 19, and 1 conceived that this helped me to give me courage, © At length came the feait of our blefled Lady in Auguit (the Aflumption) for till then, from the April before, had my torment continued ; tho’ yet it had been greater in the three lat months. I then defired to go to confeflion ; for I ever took much contentment to confefs often. My friends thought it was the fear of death which incited me to be fo devout; and therefore’thac 1 might not be put into greater apprehenfion, my father would not let me confefs. © inordinate and irregular love, of flefh and blood; which though I had fo catholick a father, and one fo full of prudence and confideration, as he was, in all his actions, might have done me hurt enough! That very night I fell into fuch a trance, as con- tinued to keep me near four days, without the ufe almoft of any of my fenfes. They gave me the extreme unction; and every hour, or rather every moment, expected I fhould expire ; they frequently repeated the creed to me, as if I had underftood them: and fometimes they held me for fo certainly dead, that afterwards I found the drops of the holy wax candles upon my eyes. The affiction of my father was great, for his not having permitted me to go to confeffion, And many cries and prayers were made to Ged for me; and. © bleffed be he, who was pleafed to hear them! Cc * For nen nnn nen an RRR RH RRR HH HHH HR18 The Life of the Holy Mother © For the vault having remained open, in thé * church of my monaftery, a day anda half, where my body was expected to be interred, and the office for my funeral having been already cele~ -brated by the religious men of our order in another town, where it-was conceived that I was dead 5 our Lord was yet pleafed at length that I fhould return to myfelf: and then I inftantly defired-to go toconfeffion. 1 received allo the bleffed fa- © crament, with many tears; though yet in my © opinion they were not fhed with that (perfect) fenfe * and grief, only for my having offended God—For “ the torments, with which | then remained, were * intolerable; and my underitanding dull; though, © as] conceived, my confeffion was entire,.of all * things by which I might think I had offended God. © For this mercy did his divine majefty vouchfafe © ‘to allow me, amongft others, that after I began. to © receive the bleffed facrament, I never omitted to * confefs any thing which I conceived to be ain, ‘though it were but venial. Yet ftill methinks “my foul might have run ahazard of not being ‘ faved, if I had died then; in regard that on .thé ‘one fide, my ghoftly fathers (who had told. me s-that fome things were not mortal fins, which:af- “terwards I plainly underftood to be fuch) had © been fo meanly learned ; and on the-other fide, £ * fo wicked.’ So far the Saint ia her humble way of thinking, and {peaking of herfelf, and accord- ingly to the apprehenfions fhe had of thofe three months, which fhe had formerly fpent in worldly vanities and dangerous paltimes, But the hifto- fians of her life (bithop Jepez, and father Rivera, who both of them had been for fome time her con- feffors} inform us, that inthis four days trance, fhe faw wonderful things with regard to the other world; and learnt by revelation all that fhould befal her, with refpect to the reformation of her : : ordstSs TERESA, 19 order-€2c, In proof of which, they aflure us, that as foon as fhe returned to herfelf, the {poke of thefe things to thofe that ftood about her, and complained that her father, and fifter Suarez, (the nun her com- panion) had called her away out of heaven, And though fhe was afterwards greatly afhamed of her having fpoken in this manner, and was very defi. rous to put it off, and to make it pafs for a deli- rium: yet the event, perfectly anfwering all the particulars, which fhe then foretold, fufficiently demonftrated that it was a true revelation. CHAPTER VL She is carried back te her monaftery: where foe conti- nues io fuffer for three years, with much patience, * and conformity to God's will : foe is cured by the in- “-gerceffion of St. Fofeph, remained (continues the Saint) during thofe ‘%-{§- four days of agony or trance, in fuch ftate, - * that only our bleffed Lord is able to know the ‘ unfufferable torments which I felcin myfelf. My * tongue I had deep'y bitten in many places. My ‘throat with having taken nothing, and by reafon * alfo of my very great weaknefs, could not fwal- low fo much as a drop of water, without per- © fe€tly choaking. Methought I was totally dis» * jointed ; and my head in extreme diforder. «was alfo, as it were, all rowled up, and con- ‘ tracted, as if I had been a bottom of packthread ; $-for. the torments of thofe days terminated theme * felves in this ; without my being able of myfelf © once to flir, eitherhand. or foot, arm or head, * any more than if I had been dead; only I think * | was able to wag one fingle finger of my right ©hand. Nor could I fufler any body to touch me * in any kind; for my whole perfon was fo af- Ca * fected30 The Life of the Huly Mother * feted and afflicted, that there was no enduring * to be touched. But they would be removing me now and then in a fheet, according as there was occafion, with one at one end thereof, and another at the other ; and this lafted tilleafter. Only this [ had by the way of eae, that if they did not approach tome, andtouchime, thefe torments would relent many times; and then upon the account of my being in lefs pain, I was content to affirm my- felf to be well, But indeed } was much afraid, left my patience fhould begin to fail me; and therefore { was not a little pleafed, to find my- felf, without thofe fharp and continual torments; though yet in the cold fits of a double quartan, which I had very violent, 1 fuffered thefe pains ftill: after an unfupportable manner, together with a very great deteftation of all food. * At this time I fo carneftly folicited my re- turn to the monaftery, that 1 got myfelf to be carried away, as 1 was: and they received her, whom they had expected for dead, with a foul, which was indeed as yet in the body; but with a bédy worfe than dead, through the pain they faw it endured. The great extremity of my weaknefs cannot be expreffed; for 1 had nothing left but fkin and bones; and I continued thus, above eight months, but was directly a cripple (though ! were then on the mending hand) for near three years. When now I began to go creeping along, I thanked God, as for a good degtee of amendment. And I pafled through thefe affidtions, with great conformity to the holy will of God, yea and (unle/s it were in the very be- ginnings) with much alacrity and joy. Fer I ‘efteemed it all as nothing in comparifon with © thofe pains and torments, which | had undergone © before; and I was wholly refigned then to God’s © holy will, although he fhoutd have left mein that - © ftdte forever. Tain of opinion thatall the anxiety : 6 of aan RR Ow RR OR naw Rae RR RR Re “RRR eR RH fe ee ee ee S& TERESA. aI of my defire to recover, was only, that I might apply mylelf to mental prayer, all alone, as I had been inftru@ted ; for which I had no opportunity inthe infirmary. In the mean time I confeffed my fins very often ; and I {poke much of God with them that were with me; in fuch fort, as that it edified them all; and indeed they were amazed to fee the patience, which our Lord im- parted to me: for if ir had not come from the hand of his divine majefty, it feemed a kind of impof- fible thing, that I fhould endure fuch a deal of torments with fo much contentment. * What helped me moft of all was that favour, which our blefied Lord had vouchfafed to do me, in teaching me mental prayer ; for this made me come to know what it was to love him; and af- ter a little time fpent therein, I found feveral vir- tues grow up a frefh in me, though as yet they were not ftrong, &. I {poke not evil of any creature living ; and my ordinary cuftom was to avoid all manner of detraction; for I always had this thought prefent with me, that I was never to with, nor to fay, any fuch thing of any one, as 1 would not have them fay of me,———~and I perfuaded fuch as were ufed to be much in my company, fo earneftly to this practice, sthat it grew alfo with them into a cuftom, By this means it came to be commonly un- derftood, that wherefoever I chanced to be, all abfent perfons were fafe-———~] remained with a great liking to enjoy folitude ; and I alfo loved in a particular manner to difcourfe, and treat of things concerning God——and I loved to confefs and to communicate oftener than I had done, and to defire it very much; and to be extremely af- fected with reading good-books; and to have fo extraordinary a forrow, for having offended God, that many times I remembered how | durft not venture, to put mylelf in prayer [by way of me- C3 © ditating22 The Life of the Holy Mother * ditating on that head] becaufe I feared tliat ex- * ceffive pain, which I was fure to feel, as a gréar penithment, for my offences neither did this happen to me more or lefs from any fear at all, but only when I remembered thofe confola- tions, which our Lord had vouchfafed to impart to me in my prayer, and the very much I owed to his divine majefty, for thofe high favours ; and faw how ill I paid him for all his goodnefs, I was not able to endure it. * All thefe figns of my endeavouring to fear and ferve God, came to me by prayer ; and the greateft of them was that I walked, as it were, all wrapt up in love; for asto the punifhment of fin, it never once appeared before me. All the while that I was fo fick, I continued tokeepa very clofe guard upon my confcience ; for as much as might concern mortal fin, But O my dear Lord, how vehemently did I defire to be teftored to my health, in order to lerve thee better, whereas in very deed; ‘this proved to be the occafion of my greater mifery. But now when I found myflf fuch acripples' ‘and thateven whilft I was yet fo very young; ‘and how the phyficians of this world had treated ‘me, and to what a condition they had brought me; I refolved, that! would apply myfelf to thofe of the other world. to the end, that they might cure me; for I ftill defired to recover my health, not- withftanding I endured my ficknefs with great alacrity. ——And I would be thinking fometimes, that, if by enjoying my health I fhould run the rifk of being damned, it would be far better for me to remain fill as fick as | was: but how- - © foever I conceived, that I fhould ferve God much © better, if I enjoyed health. Now this is the illu- © fion and error, which deceives us, not to refign _ £ ourfelves entirely to the difpofition, and good * pleafure of our Lord, who knows beft what“is fit § for us.’ Here Ran en nna wR RR RR He RH RRR RR RR HH‘ &%. TERESA, 23 Here the Saint proceeds to fpeak of the fpirituaF Means fhe made ule of in order to her cure; and in particular how fhe applied herfelf, for this end, “to the interceffion of St. Jofeph, taking him for her patron and advocate; and how by his prayers _fhe obtained to be able to rife and to walk, and to be no longer a cripple. Whereupon fhe takes oc- cafion, to {peak of the great intereft of this Saint with our Lord, which fhe had found by frequent experience ; and to recommend very much the de- _votion to him, efpecially to all fuch as defire to give themfelves to mental prayer. After which fhe goes on as follows. . * But now, fays the, who would ever have ima- © gined, that I could fo foon fall back again, after my receiving fo many favours at the hands of almighty God ; and after his divine majefty had vouchfafed to give me fome virtues, which (as it were, of themfelves) did awake, and ftir me up to his fervice, and after I had feen myfelf, in a manner dead, and in fo great a danger of being condemned to hell; and after he had raifed me again, both in body and foul, in fuch fort, tha all they, who faw me, were even amazed to find me alive? Bot what is the meaning of this, Q my Lord? maft we then ftill be living on, in fo perilous a life? Even now whilft I am writing this, methinks by thy favour and mercy, I might fay with St. Paul (though yet not with fuch per- fection) that now it is not Iwho live, but thon, O ‘ny creator, who liveft in me (Gal, ii. 20.) and: that according to the experience 1 have had for fome years, by that litcle which 1 am able to under- ftand of myfelf, thou ftill holdeft me, and keep- eft thy hand over me; and I find myfelf full of defires, and of good purpofes; and in fome fort I have proved alfo (even by experience of many things, in thefe late years) that I would by no 7 C4 * means FRR RW RR RR AR RK RR24 ‘The Life of the Holy Mother means do any thing, which thould contradict or crofs thy will, how little foever it might be ; though { doubt not but that 1 commit many of- fences againft thy divine majefty, even without my underftanding it: and it alfo feems to me, that there could notfo hard athing be fet before me, which I would not execute, with great refolution, for the love of thee, and fometimes, thou haft fo affifted me therein, as that fuch things have taken effect; and for my part, I care not for the world, nor for any creature in it; nor can { find that any thing at all gives me delight, which turns away from thee; nay more it feems a very heavy crofs to me. And yet (in all this) ] may eafily deceive myfelf; and fo I think, Edo: for 1 doubr that I poffefs not all this of which I fpeak , but yet thou feeft well, O my Lord, for as much as iam able to underftand, that I do not lie. And now I am in fear, and that with very much reafon, left perhaps thou fhouldft yet leave.me once again: for 1 need not now be told, how fhort a way, my own firength is able to carry me; and how little virtue Ihave, if thou be not always at hand, to give me thy blefiing and help, to the end | may never forfake thee: yea and [ befeech thy divine majelt}, that even now t be not already forfaken. by thee, whilft I have this conceit of myfelf. For my part, I know not how we can defire to live, fince all things are here fo uncertain, It feemed to me before, O 1 my Lord, to be even an impoffible thing, that L fhould fo entirely torfuke thee : but fince | have torfaken thee fo often, £ cannot but fear the like again: becaufe when thou hatt withdrawn thyfelf n never fo little from me, all fell prefently down to the ground. Bleffed be thou forever, O Lord, for howfcever { forfook thee, thou wouldft not entirely forfake mes but that ftill thou gaveft § me ett nm ew eR ew ww nw ww eh Re me we-§ TERESA. 25 ¢ me thy hand, that fo I might be able to rife ¢ apain ; though many times, O Lord, I would © not take hold by it; nor would J underftand very © often, how thou vouchfafedit co call me again, as © I will now declare. CHAPTER VIL She lofes by degrees her fervour and devotion, by admit- ting of vifits, and ibe converfation of feculars, fo as to leave off for a time the exercife of mental prayer. Our Lord’s interionr apparition to her. The death of her father. began from onc paftime to another, from one vanity to another, and from one occafion to another, to caft myfelf deeply into fo very great occafions ; and to have my foul fo difordered, (and diffipated) upon many vanities, that already I grew even afhamed, to approach towards God, with fo particular a kind of friendfbip and fami- liarity, as frequent prayer requires; the more becaufe, as my fins encreafed, the guft and de- light, which I had found in the exercife of virtue, began to fail me. I perceived very clearly, O my Lord, that thefe good things were now want- ing to me, becaufe 1 had firft been wanting to thee. But yet in the mean time, this was the moft terrible deceit, and the greateft harm, which the devil could poffibly bring upon me,. when he made me begin to fear to practife mental prayer; becaufe I faw myfelf in fo bad a way, that me- thought ic would be better for me, to proceed as the multitude did, fince I was one of the worft of them that are wicked; and to pray, but as much as 1 was bound to, and that but vocally ; * and that a perfon, who deferved to be with the * devil, was not to ufe mental prayer, nor to hold sO ‘fo acne ann n ene ener enn ee ne an26 The Life of the Holy Mother -* fo clofe a communication with God as that was: and that all this while | did but feek to deceive the world; becaufe exteriourly, I made fhew of virtue. In che mean time for this reafon, the houfe wherein I lived, did deferve no blame at all, becaufe I procured, with my fair carriage, all along, that they fhould have a good opinion of me: neither did t this, on fec purpofe, by the way of counterfeiting piety; for touching this point of hygocrify, or of vain glory, | humbly thank God, that 1 remember not myfelf to have offended him therein, for ought I can per- ceive : for upon the very firt motion, to com- mit that kind of fin, I ever received, and felt fo much trouble, that the devil was wont to go away with lofs, and therefore he did not tempt me much in this kind——nay rather it troubled me much, that they fhould hold me in fo good opinion, confidering what I knew of myfelf, But the true reafon of their believing me not to be fo wicked, was that they faw me, being fo young, to retire myfelf many times, and upon feveral oc-, cafions to folitude, and to pray, and read much, and to talk of God &c. And upon thefe obfer- vations of theirs, they allowed me as much, yea and more liberty, than to the more ancient reli- gious women of the houfe, and they were con- fident of me inall things: for as to my taking liberties to myfelf, or to do any thing at all with- out leave, yea or to fpeak with any body, in cor- ners, or by night, was what I could never think of, nor did I ever any thing like this. becaufe ur . Lord held me up in bis hand,——Nor was that evil, which I was guilty of, performed by me, with fo much reflection and advertance, as this muft have been——wherefore 1 am of opinion, that it did me much burt, that I was in a mona- flery which was not enclofed: a liberty which “4 * they eeS.TERESA: ay # they that were good, might well enjoy, without “© any difadvantage to their goodnefs; fince they “@ did not promife enclofure: but as for me, who © am fo wicked, it would certainly have carried “% me down to hell; unlefs our Lord had drawn © me out of this danger, by very many remedies * and means, and moft extraordinary favours” And here it may be proper to obferve, that thefe “evils, and dangers, which the Saint fo greatly ag- ‘gravates, in the hiftory of her life, had chiefly relation to her receiving vifits from abroad ; as her monaftery ‘was not enclofed; and as by reafon of her excellent ‘endowments, many perfons of the world were fond of her company and converfation: now thefe vifits, befides occafioning a great lofs of her precious time, filled her mind with diftractions, to the great pre= _judice of her prayer; and foftened her foul (though ‘not with a fenfual or carnal love) with a certain ‘tendernefs of affection to her vificers, which di- vided and captivated her heart, and took it off, in ‘fome meafure at leaft, from her heavenly fpoufe , to ~qwhom fhe owed it all. But letus hear herfelf. ‘© In the meantime, faysfhe, when I began to ufe fuch converfations as thefe, I little thought, that fo great diftraction, and other damages, would come to my foul, by fuch kind of acquaintances ; when I faw they were fo much ufed by others ; and I conceived, that fo general a thing, as it is to make vifits in many monafteries, would be of no greater prejudice to me, than it was to others, whom I faw to be virtuous and good, Burl confidered not the while that thofe others were much more virtuous than myfelf : and that thofe things which were of much danger to me, were not perhaps of fo very great danger to them ; though yet, I fear they mutt be of fome ; and at the beft, I am fure enough, that it is no better than time very ill empioyed. Being once with a cer- . § tain rr ee ee28 The Life of the Holy Mother ana ea RR RRR RRR RH ROHR OH RRR HR MH RR HR HR OH tain perfon, our Lord was pleafed to give me to underftand, in the very beginning of our ac- quaintance, that fuch friendfhips would be no way.convenient for me: for Chrift our Lord re- prefented himfelf before me, with much rigour (in his countenance) and gave me well to un- derftand, how greatly he was difgufted at my- proceeding. 1 faw him only with the eyes of my foul; but yet much more diftinétly, and more clearly, than I could poffidly have done, with the eyes of my body; and he remained fo deeply im- printed there, that although it happened to me above fix and twenty years ago, methinks he is {till as prefent to me now, as he was then: but I am fure | remained fo altered, yea and fo afto- nifhed, that I intended to fee that perfon no more. It did me a great deal of hurt, that I knew not, at that time, that it was poffible for one to fee any thing, but with the eyes of the body: and the devil was careful enough to continue me in that erroneous ozinion, and to make me ftill believe that it was impoffible; and therefore that I had but fancied thefe things to myfelf; and that per- haps it might be a work of the devil——though yet flill 1 was very confidently of opinion that it was God, and no conceit, or fancy at all—but becaufe ic induced me to do things, which were againft my inclination, I did the beft I could even to lie to myfelf. And forafmuch as J durft not confer withany bady about this particular, and found myfelf greatly importuned to it, being affured that it could not be ill done, to fee fich a perfon as that, and that there would be no lofs: but rather gain of honour by it, J returned to the fame converlation ; yea and alfo, at other times, in like manner to others ; for there were many years, wherein 1 took this peftilential re- cicaison, and when once 1 was far embarked * therein,. tee an Rann er rw RH RRR KH MH HR S%. TERESA 29 therein, it feemed not to me, to be fo very ill, as indeed it was; though ftill fometimes] difcerned clearly enough, that it was not good. But yer no other converfation diftracted me fo much, as this in particular did, by reafon of the great af- fection, which I bore to the party. Another time, when I was in company with the fame per- fon, we both of us faw, coming towards us (and there were others, alfo prefent who faw it too) fomething in the fhape of a great toad, which paffed on with'much more fpeed, than fuch crea- tures ufe to do. For my part, I was not able to conceive, how fuch a filthy beaft as that, fhould get into thatroom, through that part, from whence it came, and even, at noon day; nor had ever any fuch thing been feen there. The effect which it wrought in me, feems not to have been void of fome myftery ; and this was alfo a thing which T could never forget. O greatnefs of my God! with how much care and pity, didft thou admo- nifh me, in fo many kinds, and by fo many ways; and how little did I permit that all thefe warnings fhould help me? There was alfo in the houfe a cettain ancient nun of my kindred, a great fervant of God; who would be fome- umes giving me good counfel; but I did not only not believe her, but was alfo difeufted with hers as conceiving that fhe took offence at me, without caufe. And all this] here relate, to the end that both my wickednels, and the great good- nefs of almighty God may be the better under- ftood ; and that it may appear, how well I de- ferved hell, for iny great ingraticade : and I do italfo, to thisend, that if our Lord fhould fo or- dain, and fhould he pleafed, that any religious women fhould read this difcourfe, they may be careful to take warning by me: and I beg of them, that for the love of our Lord, they will take * heed30 The Life of the Holy Mother © heed of fuch recreations as thefe, And I. befeech: * his divine majefty, that fome one of them, may © be difabufed, whom I have deceived, by telling * them there was no harm, nor danger in theie- © things, © But now, even whilft I was yet much indif- poled, in thofe firft days, before 1 knew how to help myfelf; I grew to have an extreme defire to do others good; which is a very ordinary temptation for new beginners; though ic hap- pened to fucceed well with me. And confide- ring how dearly I loved my father, I wifhed him: the felf-fame benefit, which I conceived myfelf- to have gained by means of mental prayer, and being of opinion, that, in this life, there was no. greater bleffing, than to obtain and enjoy that gift, I began by certain ways of difcourfe to pro- cure the beft [ could, that he would endeavour ‘:to obtain it; and I gave him certain books for- this purpofe. Now he being a man of fo much: virtue, as I have already declared, fet himfelf. fo: diligently to this exercife, that he came within: -fiye or fix years, to be fo well improved, and -advanced therein, that I blefled our Lord very: . much for the favour, and it gave me an extreme confolation. The troubles and croffes, which he endured, were very great, and of many kinds ; ‘and he paffed through them all, with much con- formity to the will of our Lord. He came to fee me often, and was greatly comforted in treat- ing of fpiricual things, And when now I lived fo diltraéted, that | had left off mental prayer, and faw that he conceived me to be ftill the very: fame, that I had been before, I was not able to endore it without undeceiving him. For I had paffed a year or more, without mental prayer, as thinking it more humility for me to abftain; which was the greateft and worft temptation © that i ee ee ee ee aS. TERESA at * that ever I had; for by this means I ran head- * Jong upon my total ruin: whereas, when I fre- * quented prayer, if I offended God one day, £ " rerurned to recollect myfelf on another, and fo to remove further from the occafion. Wherefore my father coming to fee me in that flate, and “thinking that I ftill converfed with God, as for- « merly L had done, it was too much for me to fee * him fo far deceived; and fol told him, that I * did no longer ufe mental prayer; yet 1 did nor tell him the caufe thereof, but J alledged my in- firmities for the reafon, For although I were re- “covered of the main ficknefs, 1 had yet difeafes, * yea and very great ones ftill: and although, of * Jate, they have not affaulted me, with fo very great fiercenefs, as before, yet they fail not ftill to continue, and to exercifeé me alfo in many kinds——and I am almoft never without many kinds of pain, and fometimes they are very tharp ‘ones, and efpecially at my heart—but { have inade fo little account of thefe fufferings, for thefe laft eight years, that fometimes I am even glad I have them; as conceiving, that our Lord may be perhaps ferved in fome manner thereby. My father, believed me, that this was the caufe of my omiffion: for he being very fincere himfelf, and confidering of what matter [ was then difcourfing tohim, he had no reafon to think but that 1 faid true: and to the end that he might believe me the better, [ told him alfo then, that I had enough todo to be able to affift at the quire: though yet in very decd, even this reafon of corporal weaknefs, was no fufficient caufe to make me give over fo good a thing; for there is no nced of corporal ftrength for fuch things as thefe ; but only of love and cuftom, fince our Lord will -afford us always fome opportunity, if we our- * felves have a-good will, fay always, becaule, . * though « e © & ‘: . ‘ “ © © © ‘ ‘ . . e © © ‘ © «3 RR Ah ARR RRR RRR RHR HHH naa ee nema mn 2 The Life of the Holy Mother though infirmities and other occafions may hinder one fometimes from fpending many hours in fo- litude, yet there will not want fome other time, wherein we may have health enough for this bu- finefs: yea and even in other occafions, as alfo in the midft of ficknefs itfelf, the beft of prayer may be made (by a foul which loves) by offering up fuch pain to almighty God, and remembring for whofe fake fhe endures it, and conforming herfelf to God’s holy will therein, and in a thou- fand other fuch things as will occur. For *tis a miftake to think, that prayer can only be made in folitude. If we will take a little care, we may obtain great bleffings when our Lord even takes time for prayer from us, by means of our fick- neffes and pains; and I myfelf found this to be true, as long as my confcience was pure and good. But my father, through the opi- nion which he held of me, and the love he bore me, not only believed all I had faid, but pitied me: and being now come to find him- felf in fo eminent a degree of fpiritual life, remained not very long with me, as holding his ftay there to be lofs of time; and therefore returned home. And 1 who was willing to fpend my time upon other vanities, was not troubled very much at his departure. * But it was not only with him, but with other perfons alfo that I procured, that they thould addict themfelves to mental prayer; even whilft I was walking on in thofe vanities: for ftill as I found them well affected to vocal prayer, I told them how they fhould u’e meditation, and gave them books, and I did them good: for { had Mill a great defire that others fhouid ferve God, even from the very firft time, that I ufed mental prayer, And this I here relate, to thew the great blindaefs in which I was; which ex- poledSi TERESA. 33 ® pofed me to the danger of lofing myfelf, whilft yet $1 was procuring to do good to others. “© About this ame my tather fell ill of the ficknefs © of which he died. I went to attend him, whilft myfelf was more fick in foul, than he was in body, through many vanities of mine; though yet not in fuch fort, as that according to my apprehenfion, Iwas in mortal fin, even in all this worft and wickedeft time, whereof I am fpeaking: for cer- tainly if | had thought fo, I should by no means have continued therein. I endured fome affliction and trouble in his ficknefs ; and I think made fome part of a poor amends for the pains, he had taken with me in mine: for now being ill enough my- felf { yet {trained very hard to do him fervice. I animated myfelf alfo in fuch manner as not to fhew him, that I was in any pain, but continued, even till he expired, as if I felt no trouble at all, though yet it be very true, that when I faw him come to bé upon the point of death, it feemed to meas if my own very foul, had then been torne out of my body; for I loved him much, © It was a fubject of great praife to our Lord, to fee the death, which my father died; together with the defire which he had to leave this world; and the counfel which he gave us, after he had received extreme unction, and how he charged us to recommendhim to God ; and that we fhould beg mercy of him for his foul; and that we fhould éver ferve him; and confider that all this world muft come to an end. He told us alfo with tears, how much he was grieved at the heart, for not ha- ving ferved his Divine Majefty better : and that he wifhed he had been 4 reiigious man, and that of the ftri@eft order that was. I hold it for certain that fome fifteen days before, our Lord gave him to underftand that he was to die: becaufe before that time he did not think himfelf very ill, though D * he aan ann n an enen nn Or nnnn fe a ar a a“44. The Life of the Holy Mother ® he were fo: but afterwards, though he feemed ta mend much, in point of health, and though thé dostors faid fo, yet he made no account of that, but only attended to the putting his foul in god order. That ficknefs of his began with a very grievous pain in his fhoulders. which never left him ; and fometimes it oppreffed him fo that his affliGtion was very great. I told him once upon this occafion, that fince he had been fo much de: voted to that myftery, when our Lord carried his crofs upon his fhoulders, he might do weil to con: ceive, that his Divine Majefty had been pleafed to give him a feeling of fome part of t.at which himfelf had undergone with fo much trouble :-and he was fo comforted with this confideration, that I remember not to have heard him complain any more. He remained for three days with very Kittle fhow of underftanding ; but on the day: he died, our Lord reftored it to him; and that’ fo entirely, that we were all cven amazed to. fee'it; and fo he continued, till faying the creed, When he had come to the middle of it he expired+—+ when he was dead, he looked even like an'An: © gel.—His confeffor, who was a * Dominican and © a very Jearned man, affirmed that he made no “doubt, but that my father would go ftraight to © heaven: for he, who had received his confeffions © divers years, fpoke much of the great purity of * his confcience. © This Dominican father, being a very worthy © man, and a true fervant of God, did me a great © deal of good : for I confeffed myfelf to him ; and * he undertook the care of my foul, with much dili- * gence; and took pains to make me underftand Hea wan enn anna nnn nan n an mn naw * The Dominican fhe here {peaks of, was father Vincent Varron, the {ame of whom he writes in the third chapter of the foundation of the monaftery of Avila: who by the help of Ker prayers, was advanced ty an emitient degree of fanctity. : © the& TERESA, 35 ‘ the way of perdition, whercin 1 was walking. © He caufed me allo to cominunicate every fifteen © days; and when I ipoke to him about my prayer, © he told me, I muft not fail to ufe it; and that it © could not, by any means, butdo me good. [ * began therefore to ufe it again; and from that © time forward I never left it: though yet I did not © prefently give over the occafions of my imper- © fections. © I therefore in the mean time paffed a moft fad * lifes for in my prayer, I came to underftand my * faults : fo that on the one fide, I wascalled by God; * and on the other, I followed the world. AI thofe ‘things which belonged to God, gave me great * fatisfaction but thofe things, which were of the © world, held me in chains: and it feems, 1 had a * mind to reconcile thefe two contraries, which are © fo much at enmity with one another ; namely * a fpiritual life, on the one fide 3 and fenfual delights * and paftimes, on the other. “a In my prayer, Lendured much trouble, be- $caufe now my fpirit was not majfer, but a flaves © and therefore, I was not able to fhut myfelf up in * my heart (which was the only way of proceeding § J formerly had held in my prayer) without fhutting © up together with me a thoufand vanities. And ‘ in.this manner I ‘paffed fo many years, that now * Tam aftonifhed to confider, that any perfon fhould © be able to endure the not leaving the one, or the © other in fo long atime—O! that I could declare * the occafions of doing ill, which God removed ‘ from me in thofe years; and how I put myfelf © again into them ; and the dangers from which he ‘ freed me: I ceafed not to difcover, by my ac- * tions, what kind of a creature I was; and he to * cover thefe faults; and to difcover fome little vir- § te of mine, if there were any, and to make the D2 * fame