My Dear Chitra:

Trees are always in my dreams. While reading Blood Words, I felt as if I was sitting quietly in

the dirt and grass alone, thinking of nothing, doing nothing but merely staring at a tree.

Just by staring at a tree, my eyes will become tight, and tears will flow because of its

breathtaking beauty. How can a person become a tree? I am afraid that I have lost the

qualification to be a tree; I am afraid of failing something; I am afraid of missing a tree. When I

read a tree, I am endlessly nourished by it. The wind blows from a distance, and I just lie under

the roots of the tree, sticking to the original smell and temperature of the soil, thinking

narcissistically– everything loves me, but hates me for being disappointing.

I am going through the deepest breakdown of my life. Maybe there are countless ones waiting

for me in the future, but I know that it will bring a radical change for my life. I have been

wandering since I was a child, but now, I seem to see a ray of candlelight flickering in the

distance, even if the cold wind is fierce, the wind blows and the rain hits, it never dies out. I want

to be such a glimpse of light. I want to live in love, just like you, like all warriors. My friend told

me that for the first time in more than twenty years, she felt truly alive. When I heard this, how

could I not cry and not be shocked. In the past, I never had and dared not say what I wanted.

While searching and searching, I have no coordinates of direction, looking for a destination that

belongs to me. Films have brought me so much, even more pain. But I seem to feel the feeling of

being alive from this pain, and even feel the shock of a one-life-time moment of human glamor.
Have you ever had a moment like this? How can someone who has had such a moment return to

a life of mediocrity?

Every collapse will usher in reconstruction. But sometimes, I was pessimistic. Maybe not

everything needs to survive the disaster, and the beauty of the ruins is not meaningless. But there

seems to be an inexplicable force pushing me forward. I know, I am not reconciled. How can I be

reconciled? I want to be a warrior, to forge my own history, my love, my everything with blood

and tears.

From then on, the pain in my life never stops. So is love.