A wedding reception. Lights focus on S.L.

, where a circular table is set with white table cloth, a floral piece in the center, wine glasses and water glasses; and surrounded by white folding chairs. Two chairs are occupied and adjacent to one another. MARSHALL sits furthest to the left, his tie half undone. MEGAN sits towards the right, having adjusted her chair so he can maintain eye-contact with MARSHALL. MEGAN eats pistachios from a small plastic bag she holds on her lap. In the background there is low chatter. MARSHALL Megan, any special reason you're chewing that loudly? MEGAN I'm thinking. Pause. Chewing. Marshall. How come we never did anything? MARSHALL You're going to have to be more specific. MEGAN You remember back when we dated in college? MARSHALL No, clearly Ive forgotten. Pause Of course, I remember. Three months, twenty something days; you made me miss the series finale of Monk, never gave me my ukulele back, and made out with that horse faced bitch from my film course during your little hipster meet-and-greet circle jerk. MEGAN What I meant is, you know why we never hooked up or anything right? MARSHALL I thought you were asking me why that was. MEGAN

It's because you never take any risks, you know? You're all just about being grim and gray and lonely; while I'm more of like a pink flower in front of a rainbow. MARSHALL So, what was the point to bringing this? An excuse to berate me while you stuff your face with free nuts? MEGAN I just don't get you. You never seem to be happy. MARSHALL What's to get? I'm just another person, just like anyone else here. And I am happy, I'm usually, almost always, rather frequently; very happy. But it's when people who I haven't seen in years come up to me and say "Hey MARSHALL, you ever realize you're not happy", that I am forced to question if I'm supposed to be happy or not. Because that's just how my mind works. If you keep bringing up crap like this, I'm gonna assume there's some issue with it and try to delude myself into attempting to fix it which: And are you ready for this? The shocking revelation: usually makes me unhappy and the other person content enough to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. MARSHALL takes a sip of water, looks into unlit U.S.R.. Did I just rant during a toast? MEGAN Fuck, everyone is toasting Marsh. Rant away, be my guest. MARSHALL For the record, I was happy until you said I never seem to be happy. MEGAN Liar. You were bitching about me chewing too loudly. MARSHALL Just because I'm annoyed doesn't mean I cannot be happy. Or that I wasn't happy. MEGAN ...You still dating that brunette? The ugly one with the manky eye? MARSHALL

Tessa? MEGAN I would assume so. MARSHALL No, that went south a couple weeks ago. Trust me when I say the happy couple up there were a little pissed that I wasn't going to be able to commit as much to the gift as originally intended. MEGAN What'd you get them? MARSHALL Some sort of juicer...thingie. I don't know, might be a meat dehydrator or something. Hydrate is on it. It has plastic parts. MEGAN I got them a gravy boat. MARSHALL ...You bought them something they'll never see, use, or think about. Kudos to you Meg, how much did it set you back? Ten dollars? MEGAN You cannot put a price on art. MARSHALL You can. Most people do. Did you make the gravy boat? MEGAN It was crafted by my own hands, I am happy to report. MARSHALL So I have to buy a piece of goddamn hardware and you're shitting into a kiln to pay for their wedding present? MEGAN

If it's a consolation to you, I did have to glaze it myself. Chews. Pause. And it came out damn good. MARSHALL So, how've you been since what... October? MEGAN August. I'm fine. Life is pretty sweet. Working retail, made some pretty decent sales. I'm happy. MARSHALL Are you sure you're happy? MEGAN I am, and luckily for me I don't have a retarded brain that will make me contradict this. MARSHALL And that's why I hate you. Pause. I'm doing some legal work for the D.A.'s office. It's...fulfilling. Gives me plenty of time to feel like I'm a contributing member of society. MEGAN You were doing that back in August. MARSHALL Oh. Well, the upside is that I'm still doing it. And...Oh crap, did I already tell you about the "Next Ted Bundy"? This shit was crazy when I got to look into it. MEGAN He kill anyone? Takes a sip of water. MARSHALL

No. But I wouldn't put it past him. I got his ISP to cut off services and he's not allowed to enter the state of California. So, that's something. MEGAN What'd he do? MARSHALL He was stalking some girl with autism and trying to get her to shit on his face. Silence. So yeah, that's to sum up this genetic backwash of sociopathy I had to learn everything about. The highlights included his self-proclaimed "Marty McFly mission"-MEGAN interrupts. MEGAN Don't ruin Back to the Future. MARSHALL --In which he talks about how he drank McDonald's coffee and how that somehow warped him back in time two minutes...because the fucker doesn't check clocks..anyway, he plots out in graphic detail how he's going to buy somewhere around three-hundred thousand McDonald's coffee servings and this will turn him into; I shit you not; a child with the mind of a twenty three year old who will be hailed as a prophet and force his parents to take him to where she lives so they can grow up together. MEGAN Wow. MARSHALL The highlight was him standing in a badly lit living room wearing nothing but a dress and his head tilted to the side in that creepy way. MEGAN How do people like that even come to exist in the world? Don't we have some sort of screening process for human existence? MARSHALL

I will admit with hindsight, you are infinite stratospheres more of a person than that son of a bitch. MEGAN I didn't pass the screening process? Like fuck I didnt, definitely the best youve ever had. Better than Tessa. MARSHALL Shit like that happens when I don't get to watch a series finale because I'm too busy having to deal with you singing about your "dark syllables" and how you're going to be the next big musical god-king and I'll be another office drone who never gets to be happy. MEGAN I'd like to think I'm still doing better than you. MARSHALL Think all you want, I'm not calling the Thought Police. I'm not--MARSHALL looks to U.S.R. He scowls. ---Is that Alex? MEGAN Looks to U.S.R. The fat guy with the perm? MARSHALL The fat guy with the perm. Yeah, that's Alex. You remember Alex? MEGAN Yeah. He looked better when he had those iced tips. MARSHALL No he didn't. MEGAN He looked better than he did now. Christ, he got fat.

MARSHALL That fucker owes me eight bucks. MEGAN Seriously? Its 8 bucks. Are you gonna hassle him for eight bucks at a fucking wedding? MARSHALL Its not his wedding, besides; he really pulled a fast one on me. The knave. MEGAN Knave? Really? Were going with that? The hell did he do to you? MARSHALL When you dumped me after stealing my ukulele I kinda got...hospitalized-MEGAN Beg pardon? MARSHALL --Anyway. Anyway. Well, so I get back to that shithole town I'm from and everyone...even that asshole groom up there...Are all like "Sorry MARSHALL, can't help you out of your depression, go be alone an die." Except for Alex. Who suddenly starts calling me up all the time. MEGAN You got hospitalized? MARSHALL So, he asks if I want to go get breakfast sometimes because y'know, here's just my thinking: pancakes are fucking awesome. But no, elaborate ruse. He comes to my house, picks me up, we drive to some place like fourty miles south and get pancakes. MEGAN What did you do to get hospitalized, Marshall? MARSHALL

Well, he didn't bring any money. And my pancakes were this doughy affair of batter and shame, so I didn't even get to enjoy the breakfast. I pay the whole bill, I'm hungry, we get out to the car and he said he planned to pay me back with "auxiliary services". MEGAN Marshall. MARSHALL If you recall our last month together, I didn't sleep. So it was for insomnia. Christ on a cock MEGAN, you weren't anything special in my life. I didn't try to end it all because you kicked me out. MEGAN Could've fooled me. MARSHALL One: You sat down here next to me because that horse-faced bitch is marrying my buddy and it's awkward for you to be all "Remember when we made out on Marshall's birthday instead of getting him a present"? MEGAN Hey. MARSHALL And Two: I'm telling a story here. Silence. All right. So he tries to fuck me in his car. Shoves his tongue down my throat because I'm a little drunkMEGAN For breakfast? MARSHALL I was depressed and alcoholism has its places in society. But yeah, so he tries to do that; he doesn't succeed. We have a long awkward ride back home and he kept on sending me emails for about five months after. MEGAN

You rode home with him? MARSHALL I was morning drunk and he owed me money for the pancakes and more money for trying to make a pass on me while I was in the throes of depression and intoxication! MEGAN I'm not saying it was a stupid of you to do all of this. It was. I'm saying that it was risky. What were you thinking? MARSHALL I try not to think, it keeps me sane. MEGAN You do a lot of stupid shit, Marshall. MARSHALL I dated you. MEGAN Yeah, and? MARSHALL And I am really beginning to question whats pissing you off so much about me considering you a bad girlfriend, and a bad person in general. MEGAN Im a bad person now? MARSHALL Were you ever not a bad person? I mean I know we had good times once, but I sort of forgot all of that when you couldnt let me crash on your couch because you were too busy inviting all sorts of unsavory pricks to go a train on you. MEGAN Its not my fault that you needed to crash in my place. MARSHALL

You. Were. My. Girlfriend. I mean, maybe I could understand if we hadnt been dating for three months when that happened. I could even let it slide if you had just been willing to dump me right then and there. But you just say you cant let me crash. Not even an apology. In my time of need. MEGAN Youre being a clingy asshole. MARSHALL No, Im being a vindictive jackass. Pause.. Its kind of how I get by. I mean, do you remember when I was a nice guy? MEGAN Vaguely. MARSHALL Well! I remember that too, but if you will also recall; whenever I was nice I ended up getting shit on. I lost my ukuleleI want that back by the way, I end up without a jacket or any food during the days we got snowed-in-MEGAN Youre hitting me up for fucking Spaghetti-Os and an instrument you could barely even play? At a goddamn wedding? MARSHALL How dreadfully out of character for me. Maybe you can start waxing poetically so itll feel just like my birthday. MEGAN You need to stop or I swear Im going to leave. MARSHALL Whats keeping you? You sit down, you say Im unhappy, you start chewing on those goddamn nuts like some fucking bison, and its not like youre gonna get any positive reaction from me! MEGAN

Youre an asshole.

Megan gets up from her chair, walks off to U.S.R. Marshall watches her go, picks up her bag of pistachio nuts. He eats a few before coughing and spitting them into a napkin and stuffing it in his jacket pocket. He takes a water to clean his palette. He looks off to L.S..L, scrutinizing his actions. He fixes his tie just a bit.

Megan returns. MARSHALL What the heck did you even put on these nuts? MEGAN Alex is coming. MARSHALL What? MEGAN He saw me and I was all like HeyAlex, little wave, little head nod, a little I need to go get my jacket--

MARSHALL Your jacket would be at coat return. MEGAN Well he was following me. MARSHALL And you brought him back here? Vindictive bitch. MEGAN Dont start up with me, I dont want him following me around.

MARSHALL I was unaware you even knew him. MEGAN We dated back in High School. MARSHALL Im sure that went well. I can relate. Howd he explain it to you? Maybe youre gay, Megan? And thats why we cant enjoy it? MEGAN Yeahhe actually said pretty much all of that. MARSHALL Yeah, if you recall you said the same thing to me when we broke up. Thanks for the extra confusion. Id feel bad for you and we could relate and reminisce about how thats a bad thing, but with hindsight of you using that fucking line on me; you totally earned it. MEGAN You know why we never did anything? Because youre an asshole. MARSHALL This is a recent development I assure you.

Alex enters from U.S.R. He has a flamboyant accent, and he has had one too many glasses of wine. Marshall immediately fixes his tie and puts on a stone face. Megan imitate said stone face.

ALEX Spence Marshall and Megan Suska. My god, how are you two doing? MEGAN I already told you. MARSHALL

You owe me eight dollars. If I take in interest and how many times Ive had to remind you, Im willing to let bygones be bygones for the sum of two hundred dollars. ALEX Oh Spence, youre still holding a grudge about all that?

MARSHALL My pancakes sucked, I was in a bad state of mind and this is a debt! Not a grudge. MEGAN Super smooth, Marshall. ALEX So, how do you guys know the bride? MEGAN College. MARSHALL By proxy. ALEX Are you guys going to make a toast? MARSHALL Why would I make a toast? ALEX Didnt you and Roger used to work together or something?

MARSHALL Roger and I never worked together. Hes the groom, Im here at the wedding. I bought a Cuisinart thing. Cant everyone just be grateful?...Megan, you want to make a toast? I know you know olHorsefaJennifer.

MEGAN Marshall still has sex dreams about you. ALEX Really? MEGAN He was telling me all about them. MARSHALL Though for the record, were frolicking naked in the fields of this eden like expanse and youre naked and Im naked, and were shitting everywhere and eating it and stabbing one another and urinating on one another and we never get sick and we never die because this is true love and I know you love me and someday Im going to skin your face and make it into a fucksleeve in which I will pool my semen until its filled up like a chimmichanga. ALEX Jesus Christ man, what the fuck. Why. WHY. Why would you ever even say that? Why would you even think that? Youre sick, youre disgusting, you need to die, you need to go away and stop thinking these things, holy fuck.

Alex walks off back to U.S.L, mumbling incoherently that Marshall is some sort of crazy, gross person. MEGAN Was that from the casefile? MARSHALL Yes, yes it was. One of his many pieces of erotica that are now burnt in my brain through sheer disgust and hatred of the human condition. He wrote worse, but there are children present. And I really dont want to be remembered as the guy who was reciting the litany of a future serial killer at a wedding. MEGAN I dont think Alex is going to forget. MARSHALL

Though he is never going to pay me now. MEGAN Well, you could always steal his gift from the registry? MARSHALL He probably bought them porcelain cats or something. MEGAN Hey. Im just saying. Possibilities. Plus he got them some cutlery. MARSHALL Real silver or imitation? MEGAN Alex is working some upper management position at a processing plant. Soit could go either way. MARSHALL Hows this. You and me, we clear out all that shit in the past. No grudges. You can still call me an asshole if you want, I really dont care anymore. But lets do something that will make me happy. And by that, I mean you go steal the cutlery for me. MEGAN Wow that only seems like an absolutely horrible idea. MARSHALL You pitched it to me. I just added conditions. Which benefit you. MEGAN No, this just makes you seem like less an asshole to yourself. It changes nothing for me. MARSHALL No excess guilt for royally fucking me over? No even baser guilt for royally fucking me over? MEGAN

Not really. MARSHALL Fine. Ill give you fifty dollars, but I want you to steal the little bride and groom from the leftovers of the cake. MEGAN One hundred dollars.