Hollow Manna by Chris Kettler Alex Messianu Allen Smith Paul Toohey

Based on characters "The Simpsons" created by Matt Groening.

FADE IN: INT. TV STATION - EVENING KENT BROCKMAN reads the daily news. KENT BROCKMAN It appears that Springfields infamous tire fire is starting to burn itself out. City officials warn of possible roving black-outs. Kent Brockman shuffles papers on his desk. KENT BROCKMAN (contd) In local news, Springfields mayor Quimby has gotten himself into quite a political pickle. (a beat) A kosher pickle that is. Kent Brockman laughs to himself. EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY Townspeople gather around the steps of town hall for the inauguration of Springfields new mayor. CAPTAIN HORATIO MCALLISTER, CHIEF WIGGUM, MAYOR QUIMBY and HYMAN KRUSTOFSKY stand on podium. KENT BROCKMAN (V.O.) The results of the recall election are in. In a record voter turn out, Mayor Quimby was ousted from his position earlier today in a 17 to 8 vote. Chief Wiggum removes sash from Mayor Quimby and places it on Krustofsky, Wiggum then shakes Krustofskys hand. KENT BROCKMAN (V.O.) And coming in a distant third, local seaman-(laughs) Captain Horatio McAllister. Yarghhh! MCALLISTER

The sullen Quimby walks off the podium where he is intercepted by FAT TONY who puts his arm around the defeated politician whispering to him.

2. Krustofsky approaches microphone. He steps on a glass, it shatters. Mazel Tov! KRUSTOFSKY

A band of Hasidic men start playing HAVA NAGILA. Old Jewish women start dancing in a circle around Krustofsky as he sits in a chair being raised in the air. INT. KWIK-E-MART- NIGHT APU turns off the television and stands behind counter drinking a squishee. Homer approaches the counter. HOMER One glazed and one scratch and win please. Homer eats his doughnut and scratches the lotto ticket. HOMER (contd) Doh, stupid lotto ticket! APU Youre not the only one with no luck today. Apu slumps down, puts his head down on the counter. HOMER Whats the matter Apu? Apu stands back up, leans against counter. APU Oh Mr. Simpson, I am having quite dilemma. My childrens birthday is approaching and sadly, I have no idea what to buy them. HOMER How about an octopus? APU Where will I purchase an octopus? Pause. HOMER Why would you want an octopus?

3. Captain McAllister enters the Kwik-E-Mart. approaches the counter. MCALLISTER Pull me a squishee, Apu. APU Oh, Captain McAllister. Dont feel so down. You know, I voted for you. Yarghhh. MCALLISTER That makes one of us. He sighs as he

Apu sighs, turns around, grabs a cup and pours McAllister a squishee. APU Here you go sir, Margarita, your favorite. You can drown your sorrows in its icy goodness. (beat) Thank you, come again. McAllister exits the Kwik-E-Mart. HOMER You can make a Margarita squishee? APU Oh yes sir, you can make any flavor. Anything you can freeze and then grind up. See its very simple. Apu turns around and grabs a cup and places it under the nozzle of the squishee machine. He then starts to turn the handle but it wont turn. A red light starts to flash and the machine starts to sputter, a loud grating metal on metal sound comes from the chassis. The machine releases a cloud of steam, dead. APU (contd) Oh no! What am I going to do now? HOMER Come on Apu, its not that bad. Apu leans over the counter.

4. APU Cant you see. If I cant make squishees then I wont sell any and if I cant sell any then I wont make any money. And if I cant make any money then I cant buy my children any birthday gifts. Frink walks up from the back of the store holding a magazine. FRINK I couldnt help overhearing your dilemma while I was just thumbing through this latest issue of Maxim. Let me have a look at this. Frink climbs behind the counter and starts looking at the machine. He pulls a blueprint schematic out of his pocket and starts comparing the diagram to the machine. FRINK (contd) This machine doesnt look so It appears that the actuator has malfunctioned. I can fix in no time if you could just one. bad. pump her up get me

APU Do I look like I have a whole box of actuator pumps lying around? (beat) Let me check. Apu looks around the counter area, he comes across a large box that reads: actuator pumps. APU (contd) Here it is. Apu carries the box over to the counter nearest Frink and sets it down. They open the box together to find its empty. FRINK Drat. Not to worry though. I can build one. I will require ten feet of garden hose, a tin can, a Snickers Bar, and a roll of polyethylene resin. Apu and Homer look at each other and then back to Frink. Frink sighs.

5. FRINK (contd) Duct tape! Duct tape! Apu starts to put together the items Frink has requested. Homer walks over to Frink. HOMER What do you need the Snickers bar for? FRINK The Nougat! Apu arrives with all the requested pieces. Frink takes them, opens the snickers bar and takes a bite as he surveys his task. Homer sits back, intent on watching Frink fix the machine. LENNY and CARL enter store. Upon seeing Homer, they pull out scraps of paper from their pockets. LENNY Hey Homer. You planning on showing up to work at all this week? HOMER Probably not. Aww, rats! LENNY

Lenny rips up his piece of paper and throws it down. CARL What about next week? HOMER Yeah, sure. (a beat) Why? INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT LUNCH ROOM - NIGHT A lone OLD MAN sweeps the floor. He passes a small memorial plaque to Frank Grimes, then a bulletin board with a large calender which reads: HOW MANY DAYS WILL HOMER BE GONE??? The calendar is marked with red Xs up to a certain day. INT. KWIK-E-MART Lenny and Carl walk towards the exit.

6. CARL See you next week Homer. FRINK Voila! I give you the new and improved squishee machine. Apu and Homer both walk over to where Frink was working on the machine. They stare at the new machine in awe. The squishee machine has new levers, a few antennas, several new settings buttons and flashing lights all over it. FRINK (contd) Time to start her back up. Apu and Homer watch silently. Frink presses the biggest button on the machine. Several lights start flashing and blinking. Sparks fly out from the antennas. Frink pulls the lever and the machine begins shaking violently. The entire store shakes, pieces of ceiling fall on the counter. Lights rapidly flash on and off. A glowing white bubble appears around Frink and the machine. FRINK (contd) I probably should have reconfigured the time delay on the power load res-Frink vanishes into thin air. Pause. HOMER Well I saw that coming. APU What am I going to do now? With no squishee machine, there will be no squishees for anyone. Who is going to make squishees for people? Homer thinks to himself. IN HOMERS IMAGINATION BUBBLE. A monkey tries to start a car up. The engine stammers at first, then starts up. The store is silent and still.

7. END IMAGINATION BUBBLE. HOMER (to himself) Silly monkey. Homer laughs at his thought. APU Mr. Simpson, I do not know what a monkey has to do with any of this. HOMER Ive got it Apu! (then) Im going to save your business. Homer exits the Kwik-E-Mart. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY Homer walks into the house, with his arms full of parts. MARGE scowls at Homer. MARGE Homer what is all that stuff? HOMER Im going to save Apus business and its going to be yummy, tasty, and sweet. Marge shoots Homer a dirty look. HOMER (contd) Come on wasn't I there for you during your little stint as the Beer Baron? Homer empties the items from his arms on the kitchen table and starts going through the refrigerator. MARGE That wasnt me, that was you. HOMER Oh honey, not important who it was, whats important is that we have each other.

8. MARGE Homer are you talking to me, or are you reading inspirational quotes off of the milk carton again? Homer raises up over the door of the refrigerator holding a carton of milk. Marge lets out a groan of discouragement as Homer picks up his stuff and goes down into the basement. EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT The lights of the house are all off save for the basement lights. Loud noises of hammering, grinding and welding come from the house. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE. KITCHEN - DAY Marge, BART, and LISA sit at the table eating breakfast. Sounds of hammering continue. LISA Mom what is Dad doing? He has been making noise all night? MARGE I dont know. But in the meantime, here. You kids wear these. Marge pulls five helmets out of one of the kitchen cabinets, giving one to Lisa, one to Bart, and putting the other three on Maggie, Santas Little Helper, and Snowball II. MARGE (contd) Go on kids lets go you're going to be late for school. Marge kisses Bart and Lisa, as they walk out towards the front door. Homer peeps his head out of the basement. He is wearing eye glasses, an apron, and is holding a screwdriver. HOMER Marge will you bring me a Epithermal particle beam accelerator with at least a 5000 watt load capacity. Marge looks toward the basement and rolls her eyes.

9. EXT. DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD MARKET - DAY Chief Wiggum leads Mayor Krustofsky on a tour of the marketplace. They stop at each cart and Wiggum checks the carts permit. They stop at one cart and the CART MANAGER walks up to Wiggum. CART MANAGER Chief Wiggum, is it the end of the month already? Cart Manager tries to hand a wad of bills to Wiggum. Wiggum laughs. WIGGUM I have no idea what youre talking about. Wiggum leans closer to the Cart Manager so that only he can hear what Wiggum says. Later. WIGGUM (contd)

Wiggum and Krustofsky continue to walk among the carts. WIGGUM (contd) As you see sir. All the carts have to apply for a permit before they are allowed to sell their goods here. A car full of Fat Tonys henchmen pull up near where Wiggum and Krustofsky are walking. Guns point out the car windows. Krustofsky quickly ducks behind a fruit barrel. Gun shots ring out as the mobsters unload their weapons. Wiggum quickly reaches to draw his gun from its holster, but instead produces a banana. WIGGUM (contd) I knew that was a bad idea. Krustofsky and Wiggum take off running. they wear through the marketplace. The pair split up as

10. EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FRONT YARD Homer sits at a poorly built squishee stand, with a sign that reads: squishees .50 cents. DISCO STU walks down the street. He has a stereo system built into his belt and it pumps some funky disco jams as he walks up to the stand. DISCO STU Hey man Disco Stu needs a little something to quench his thirst. HOMER How about a brand new squishy made out of pork. Mmmmm pork. Homer hands him a squishee. surprised by the taste. Stu takes a gulp and is suddenly

DISCO STU Whoa hey Disco Stu digs your jive. Come on man, give me five. Homer and Disco Stu exchange a high-five as the disco music continues. Krustofsky comes running down the street out of breath. He stops in front of Homer and Disco Stu. Homer reaches out to give Krustofsky a squishee. HOMER Here Rabbi this will help you cool off. The Rabbi takes a sip, quickly spitting it out. Blegh! KRUSTOFSKY What exactly is this?

HOMER A special squishee I made with a little bit of everything. Bacon, ham, sausage. KRUSTOFSKY Homer, dont you know Levitical law? HOMER Pshh. Yeah, but neither of us have slingshots.

11. KRUSTOFSKY No. No. Levitical law tells forbids us from eating unclean animals. Goats, camels, pigs, hor-HOMER (interrupting) Sounds kind of hokey to me. KRUSTOFSKY Its right here in the Torah. Krustofsky produces a small Torah from his coat pocket. HOMER Ooo. The Torah. What? Does it say that we cant eat shrimp too? Krustofsky quickly thumbs through the book. KRUSTOFSKY Well, as a matter of fact it-HOMER (interrupting) I think Ive heard just about enough. You can take your new age hooey to someone elses squishee stand. KRUSTOFSKY Hooey? I will not leave. an apology. I demand

HOMER Well I demand my fifty cents. I suppose your fancy Torah says that its okay to back your way out of paying too. KRUSTOFSKY Thats it! I will not be trampled on. Mark my words Mr. Simpson, you will be sorry. Krustofsky storms off. Thank you. HOMER Come again.

12. EXT. STEPS OF TOWN HALL Krustofsky holds a news conference, surrounded by reporters and townspeople. KRUSTOFSKY Citizens of Springfield, we have tried to make this work, but due to the actions of one man... INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM - EVENING The family sits together watching the evening news. turns to Homer angrily. ON TELEVISION: Krustofskys conference continues. KRUSTOFSKY I am left with no alternative. Effective today, a ban will be placed on the sale and consumption of pork products. With your cooperation, together we can make Springfield a pork free town. Krustofsky gives the sign by raising his arm. Chief Wiggum reacts, and sets fire to a huge pile of pork products. MARGE Homer, I really think you should apologize. Marge turns to Homer, who is gone. From the television, we hear sounds of Homers boyish laugh. The family turns to watch. ON TELEVISION: Homer runs on screen wearing a bib and holding a fork in one hand and a knife in the other. He dances around the flaming pile of pork. BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE: Everyone

13. INT. SIMPSON HOME - DAY Homer comes down the stairs for breakfast. He hears Marge in the kitchen preparing the food. Bart and List run past him on the stairs and he enters the kitchen. HOMER Wheres the bacon honey? MARGE Bacon was banned Homie. HOMER Oh, are we having sausage? MARGE All pork products were banned Homie. HOMER As long as they dont take away my pork chops! MARGE Homer, pork chops are a pork product too. END DREAM SEQUENCE Homer wakes up and screams in anguish. INT. SIMPSON HOME - DAY Homer comes down the stairs for breakfast. He hears Marge in the kitchen preparing the food. Bart and List run past him on the stairs and he enters the kitchen. HOMER Marge, I had a crazy dream that we couldnt have bacon for breakfast anymore. MARGE Well Homie, all pork products were banned, that includes bacon. Homer screams as before. All bacon? All bacon. HOMER MARGE

14. Homer screams again. HOMER Even Kevin Bacon? MARGE Even Kevin Bacon. Good. HOMER

KEVIN BACON peers through the kitchen window. Homer looks toward the window, noticing Bacon. screams, more intensely than before. Bacon makes a quick exit. INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY PRINCIPAL SKINNERS OFFICE - DAY SKINNER ...and furthermore, due to new statutes set forth by Mayor Krustofsky, students will notice certain changes around the school. Happy Birthday to the foll-GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE bursts into Skinners office holding a menorah and a yarmulke. WILLIE (interrupting) Skinner, what kind of show are you running here? Look at this hat. What do you call that? Look. It doesn't even cover your head. INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY LUNCHROOM - DAY Bart and Lisa stand near each other in line. They listen to the tail end of Willie and Skinners conversation. LISA What kinds of changes do you think Principal Skinner was talking about Bart? LUNCHLADY DORIS scoops slop onto Barts tray. Homer

15. BART Hey man, whats this? LUNCHLADY Matzo ball soup and gefilte fish. Bart smells his food. BART Smells alright. Bart walks toward a table. LISA Are either of those safe for vegetarians? LUNCHLADY Its not pork chops. LISA Well not all Kosher food is vegetarian. Lunchlady Doris puts a piece of broccoli on top of the gefilte fish and hands it to Lisa. LUNCHLADY Shalom to you. Now let my lunch line go. LISA (sighs) Ill go hungry. Lisa follows Bart to a table in the lunchroom. They both sit down at a table next to MILHOUSE. LISA (contd) Dont you see whats happening Bart? Krustofsky is forcing his religious beliefs on the whole town. BART So, the foods alright. MILHOUSE The soup, I like. But the fish, ehhh, perhaps for another day or two I could eat it. But for years and years? Ehhh.

16. Lisa shakes her head in disbelief. INT. MS. HOOVERS CLASSROOM - DAY The classroom is full of students who are paying little or no attention to Ms. Hoover, except Lisa who is intently involved in the discussion and RALPH WIGGUM who is eating paste. MS HOOVER Ralph, put down the paste. Its not kosher! RALPH But Im still hungry mommy. MS HOOVER Ive told you before, Im not mommy. RALPH I love you mommy. MS HOOVER Thats it Ralph. Go to the office! (then) Now on to the teachings of Genesis. Lisa raises her hand. Yes Lisa. MS HOOVER (contd)

LISA Arent we supposed to continue learning about evolution today. MS HOOVER No, Lisa, we arent learning about blasphemous subjects in this classroom any longer. LISA But Ms. Hoover, its scientifically proven. MS HOOVER Thats it Lisa, you can join Ralph in the office. (to the rest of the class) Does anyone else have a problem with the new material?

17. EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - DAY Lisa leaves Ms. Hoovers class. She looks both ways down the hallway before heading towards the exit. EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY Homer sits at his shoddily constructed squishee stand. BARNEY GUMBEL stands near by. HOMER No Barney, I dont have a Duff Squishee. BARNEY Burp! How about Duff Light? HOMER Nope. This is the only flavor I can make now. Homer grabs a cup and fills it with his creamy squishee treat, and hands it to Barney. Barney takes a big drink of the squishee. His eyes get big. He spits out the concoction violently. HOMER (contd) See, that isnt fit to sell. one wants a turnip squishee Apu walks up to the stand in a huff. APU Mr. Simpson you are stealing all my customers. You are ruining the Kwik-E-Mart. HOMER Why hello Apu. APU No. No, hello. You must quit selling squishees. You must quit right now. You are ruining my business. Am not. Am too. HOMER APU No

18. HOMER APU HOMER APU

Am not. Am too. Am not. Am too.

Lisa walks up to Homers stand. LISA Dad, youll never believe what happened at school today. Homer turns to Lisa HOMER Lisa honey, daddy has grown up things to do, why dont you run along and play. LISA But dad, this is really important. Not now. HOMER

Homer turns back to his conversation with Apu. Am not. Am too. HOMER (contd) APU Leaving Homer to his

Lisa groans and walks into the house. argument.

Homer takes a drink of the turnip squishee in front of him, cringing. APU (contd) Ive run the Kwik-E-Mart successfully for 25 years with no problems. It is my life. HOMER Well, whos watching the store right now?

19. INT. KWIK-E-MART - DAY A note on the counter reads Pay for what you take, take your change. Be Honest. Nelson walks to the counter with a six-pack of beer, looks around, then swipes all the money off of the counter and exits. INT. SIMPSON HOME - DAY Lisa walks into the kitchen where Marge is cleaning dishes. LISA Mom, everything at school is changing. MARGE How so Lisa? Homer walks into the kitchen. HOMER No ones buying the turnip squishees so I guess Ill try something else. Homer exits down the stairs into the basement. LISA They didnt serve pork chops, they served Jewish food. And they didnt even offer a vegetarian alternative. And in class. Oh mom. We were learning about Darwinism and the survival of the fittest. Through the window we see Apu trying to steal the squishee machine. He attempts to load it in his compact car but fails. The squishee machine falls on top of him. MARGE Oh honey, I know it sounds bad, but youll get used to it. Sometimes, to keep things going smoothly, you have to do things you dont really want to. Marge glances over at a wedding picture of her with Homer. HOMER (O.S.) Marge, do we still have all of that horseradish?

20. EXT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN HALL STEPS - DAY Lisa runs up the stairs. INT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN HALL Lisa steps up to a counter that is manned my a midget. LISA Excuse me sir. MIDGET Its little person, Id prefer little person. LISA Well excuse me little person, but Id like to see Mayor Krustofsky. MIDGET Do you have an appointment? LISA No, but I just thoughtMIDGET (interrupting) You just thought. A lot of people just think, doesnt really get them anywhere though does it? LISA Can I see the Mayor please? MIDGET Well come along and well see if he can schedule you in. Lisa follows the short person down a yellow brick road. They get to a very large door. The midget knocks. The door slowly opens. DISEMBODIED VOICE Who comes before the great and powerful Mayor Krustofsky? The midget slowly backs away from the door and Lisa slowly enters the great chamber. The chamber is elaborately decorated. A green disembodied head floats above Lisa. DISEMBODIED VOICE (contd) Speak! Who dares disturb my work?

21. LISA Mr. Mayor. I am Lisa Simpson. Id like to talk to you about some of the changes you have made. DISEMBODIED VOICE The great and powerful Mayor does not have time to baby-sit toddlers. Im not aLISA

DISEMBODIED VOICE (interrupting) Why do you bother me with this triviality? LISA I just wanted to talkDISEMBODIED VOICE (interrupting) Silence! Lisa gets tired of the lack of help she gets from the head and leaves the chamber. Behind her the head continues to question her, not noticing that she has left. EXT. SPRINGFIELD CITY STREET - DAY Lisa walks by herself down the street. She is passed by people with yarmulkes, and peyos. It seems that Springfield is turning Jewish before her eyes. LISA Who will care? Who will care that the town is being taken over by the Jews? Lisas face lights up with insight. runs down the sidewalk. EXT. CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD - DAY Lisa runs down the sidewalk into the church. outside reads "100th SOUL EATS FREE." The marquee She turns around and

22. INT. CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD - DAY At the front of the sanctuary, REVEREND LOVEJOY stands among several burly movers who are carrying tables, chairs and other restaurant necessities. He gives them directions through a megaphone. LOVEJOY That's right people. The salad bar goes over there with the heat lamps. Yes, blessed is the man who does not walk on the tablecloths or stand in the way of his fellow worker. Lisa approaches him from behind. LISA Reverend Lovejoy, what are you doing? LOVEJOY Lisa, the church is going under. Everyone is converting to Judaism. So I've decided to extend our market a bit, just to level the playing field. LISA So you're opening a restaurant? LOVEJOY Not just any restaurant, Lisa. It's an all-you-can-eat buffet. LISA Reverend Lovejoy, doesn't the bible warn against turning the church into a marketplace? LOVEJOY Oh Lisa, the bible says a lot of things. Don't be so pessimistic. Look at Ned there. Lovejoy ushers Lisa over to the front pew, where sits NED FLANDERS. He is unpacking a crate full of plates. FLANDERS Hi-de-lee-ho there Lisa! LISA Not you too Mr. Flanders.

23. FLANDERS Oh, Lisa. It's not so bad. We ordered custom plates with excerpts from 'The Beatitudes' etched into them. He holds up a plate, upon which is etched "BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO HUNGER. ASK YOUR SERVER FOR DETAILS." FLANDERS (contd) And the best part of all. I get to be the head waiter. (pause) I mean. I'll have to shut down the good old Leftorium for a while. But maybe I can have the boys run it for me for a while. Except that the cash register drawer gives Rod nightmares. Lisa runs back to Lovejoy. He stands with a DELIVERY MAN, and now holds a clipboard in his hands, signing paperwork. LISA Reverend, you can't do this. Lovejoy hands the clipboard to the mover, who then walks away. LOVEJOY If you have a better solution, I'm all ears. Well... LISA

LOVEJOY I didn't think so. Don't feel bad. It's this new administration, with its easy sexuality and relaxed morality. How could anyone compete with that? The delivery man returns, standing behind Lovejoy and Lisa. DELIVERY MAN (to his delivery crew) Alright boys. Bring her on in. A crew of movers wheel in a huge novelty soft drink machine. It is in the shape of an oversized translucent water pitcher.

24. The movers position the machine, then wipe the sweat from their foreheads. They all grab glasses from a nearby table and begin to fill them from the machine. Lisa watches as the clear liquid in the pitcher turns red upon pouring into the movers' glasses. LOVEJOY It's a matching set. We're expecting the soft-serve machine in the morning. Lisa grunts with frustration, then storms out of the church. INT. KWIK-E-MART - LATER Apu stands behind the counter polishing Homer's squishee machine. With his back turned, he doesn't notice when Lisa enters the store. LISA One Cherry Squishee please, Apu. Apu quickly turns around, obscuring the stolen squishee machine with his body. APU Wha? I... I'm sorry, Lisa, but as you can see, I no longer have a squishee machine. Thank you, come again. You saw nothing. From the back room, a door opens. wearing a KWIK-E-MART uniform. KEVIN BACON emerges

BACON Aw, Apu. Don't be silly. The machine is right there behind you. Wow. LISA Kevin Bacon.

APU You shut your mouth, Bacon. BACON Apu, I helped you tie it to the roof of your car. APU And in return, I agreed to let you lie low here. Now lie low.

25. Lisa approaches Bacon. LISA That's right. The new ban on pork products affects you too, doesn't it? BACON I'll say. Thanks to Rabbi Krustofsky, I may never work in this town again. Lisa's eyebrows raise with enlightenment. LISA Mr. Bacon, I have a plan that could save our town, and your career at the same time. BACON I'm all ears. (then) I got some chores to do up on the roof. Why don't you come on up? You can give me a hand and tell me about it. Hey. Apu, still shielding the squishee machine with his torso, slowly relaxes his stance. Yes. go. APU To the roof. Very good. Now

Lisa and Kevin Bacon leave for the roof via the nonalcoholic beer freezer secret passage. Apu fully relaxes, then turns around to make himself a squishee. He pulls the homemade lever, which breaks off, causing a chain reaction that results in the complete self destruction of the machine. EXT. KWIK-E-MART ROOF - MOMENTS LATER Lisa and Bacon stand at the edge of the roof tossing mediumsized rocks off onto the parking lot below. LISA But I don't have that kind of influence over the media. Bacon tosses a rock.

26. BACON I see. (beat) But your determination and my charisma will only get us so far. We need to back Krustofsky into a corner. Lisa looks up at him. He kneels down to her.

BACON (contd) And I know just the guy. He reaches into his pocket, retrieving his wallet. BACON (contd) A friend of mine from the pen. LISA What were you in prison for? He sighs. Dancing. No. BACON

LISA Really?

BACON Well. Dancing in Annette Bening's front yard. Silence. Lisa stares at Bacon. BACON (contd) Well. I mean. I was in "Diner" with Steve Gutenberg, who was in "High Spirits" with Peter Gallagher, who was in "American Beauty" with her. So we're practically old friends. (beat) But some judges just don't understand. He smiles. Lisa giggles like a girl talking to a movie star. BACON (contd) Here. Take this card. My buddy will help you out. Just tell him I sent you. Lisa takes the card, still holding a rock in her other hand.

27. LISA Thank you, Mr. Bacon. Lisa discards the rock over the edge of the building. BACON Hey, call me Kevin. She smiles and walks away. The rock strikes the ground. loud RUMBLE begins to grow. Hey. BACON (contd) We got one, Lisa! A

The ground continues to rumble and shake. From a knapsack, Bacon produces a bundle of dynamite tied to a spool of string. He lights the fuse, then twirls the bundle around his head a few times, like a cowboy with a lasso. He releases the bundle into the air. It strikes the ground. The reflection of an explosion lights up his face as orange bits of goo fly upward covering both him and the Kwik-E-Mart. Woo-hoo! BACON (contd)

INT. SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - LATER Lisa walks down a dark, grim corridor, guided by a SECURITY GUARD. Heavy grids over the lights create patterns on the floor. SECURITY GUARD Do not reach through the bars. Do not touch the bars. You pass him nothing but soft paper. No pens or pencils. Do not accept anything he attempts to hold out to you. Do you understand? Yes sir. LISA

The guard leaves Lisa standing outside a nicely furnished cell at the end of the corridor. The inhabitant lies on the top bunk, reading. Excuse me. LISA (contd) Sir?

The PRISONER shows little interest.

28. PRISONER You're one of Kevin Bacon's I expect. Lisa's eyes widen as she puts the voice together with the face of the prisoner who now stands in front of her opposite the prison bars. LISA Sideshow Bob? SIDESHOW BOB Hello Lisa. LISA What are you doing here? SIDESHOW BOB Oh you know. An armed robbery here, attempted murder there. I can't keep up at this point. You know, it's not so bad in there though. You wouldn't believe the collection of Chaucer they have. Oh but how I'd long for a room with a view. LISA Bob, I need your help with-SIDESHOW BOB (interrupting) Oh sure. Who cares about Bob? It's never 'Oh Bob, let me hear about your day.' Or 'Oh Bob, would you like to have dinner some time?' Noooooo. It's always, 'Bob, we need your criminal genius to help solve our menial problems.' And 'Help me Bob, you're my only hope.' He turns away. Lisa runs forward grabbing the bars.

LISA You are my only hope! Pause. SIDESHOW BOB Come to think of it. I like ring of that. LISA Does that mean you'll help me?

29. He turns back towards her and walks toward the bars with his hands behind his back. SIDESHOW BOB Oh Lisa. Everything you need to bring order back to Springfield is right in front of you. LISA Tell me how. SIDESHOW BOB First principles, Lisa. Simplicity. To get to the father, you must first go through that which he holds closest to his heart. That which is inseparable. More dear than any book or tradition. Now listen closely, Lisa. I will not repeat this. INT. KRUSTY'S HOUSE - DAY In a dimly lit room, there are seltzer bottles and clown shoes strewn about on the floor. We glide through the room as music begins to play faintly somewhere within the room. SIDESHOW BOB (V.O.) You seek that which Abraham surrendered and that without which Sanford and Son would have been half as funny. You seek the thing that would be closest to any father's heart. That which brings you laughter and heartbreak. Tears of joy and sorrow. The eternal black sheep and light of the world, all rolled into one. Are you listening to me, Lisa? KRUSTY THE CLOWN sits at his mirror, applying his stage makeup. He dabs the white onto his forehead, then to the rest of his face. Krusty picks up a red clown nose from his makeup tray. He squeezes it, releasing a few quick, high-pitched honks. He slowly positions it on his nose. KRUSTY (to himself) Would you laugh at me? at me.

I'd laugh

30. Krusty produces a purple bow-tie from his shirt pocket and clips it onto his collar. The doorbell BUZZES violently, startling Krusty. his door and unlatches the dead-bolt. He walks to

Before he can turn the knob, the door is kicked inward from outside, knocking Krusty down. SWAT team members crash through his living room windows. He manages to look up to see a barrage of police officers standing at his doorstep. CHIEF WIGGUM leads the battalion. WIGGUM Alright Crocket, you're under arrest. For the kidnap... pause. Krusty. WIGGUM (contd) Heh heh. I uh...

Wiggum steps back to check the house number. WIGGUM (contd) (to his men) We're at the wrong house boys. He realizes something awful. Oh God. WIGGUM (contd) Lou.

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY From a distance, we see a very plain house on an empty street. A police officer knocks on the door, which slowly opens. He enters. The door slams shut behind him. INT. KRUSTY'S HOUSE - DAY Krusty, still lying on the floor, brushes himself off and stands up. WIGGUM Sorry about that, Krusty. (to his men) Alright boys, let's pull back. Krusty grumbles under his breath.

31. KRUSTY Yeah. Don't mention it. I'll just clean up what's left of my house! Krusty continues to grumble, dusting himself off as the police leave. When the troops clear off, there is still one person standing at Krusty's door, Lisa. She is smiling urgently. KRUSTY (contd) How did you-She interrupts him, grabbing his arm. LISA (interrupting) No time to explain, Krusty. Come on. We've got a town to save. She pulls him out of the house. EXT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN HALL - DAY Lisa and Krusty walk side by side toward the steps of town hall. KRUSTY So that's all I have to do? the town is saved? LISA That's right. Okay. KRUSTY What do I say? And

As they arrive at town hall, they encounter a mass of townspeople crowded around the steps. LISA What is this? Up at the front of the crowd, Mayor Quimby and Rabbi Krustofsky stand, exchanging the mayoral sash as before. Quimby steps up to a podium at the top of the steps. QUIMBY Today is a great day in the history of Springfield. As I said before, a recount has revealed that several ballots were left uncounted.

32. Quimby motions to the ballot boxes, which are surrounded by Fat Tony and his mobsters. QUIMBY (contd) Upon further inspection, it was determined that the final tally yielded Krustofsky-17, Qiumby 12,008. The crowd lets off an unintelligible mix of reporters questions. QUIMBY (contd) Now, my first act as returning mayor, will be to repeal all new policy set forth by Rabbi Krustofsky, most notably repealing the ban on the sale and consumption of pork. The days of gefilte fish are over. In the crowd, Captain Mcallister stands smoking his pipe. Yarghhh. The crowd cheers. MCALLISTER Cameras flash. Go. Buy

QUIMBY Citizens of Springfield. your pork products.

The crowd cheers and marches off through the town. Lisa stands in the empty street, unable to respond. shrugs her shoulders, then sighs. HOMER (O.S.) Don't feel down, honey. Lisa turns around to find her dad standing behind her. LISA Dad, where did you come from? HOMER I know this isn't what you expected. But you knew you were right all along. And that's what's important. LISA Aw. Thanks dad. mean that? Do you really She

33. She turns to look at her dad, but he is already distracted from good parenting. He sniffs the air. Ooh. HOMER Hot-dogs!

Homer runs down the empty street where he runs into Apu. The two exchange brief fierce looks, that are both quickly melted away. HOMER (contd) Aw. Apu. I'm sorry I took all of your customers. APU Oh Homer. I should be apologizing to you. You were only trying to help. I should never have stolen your squishee machine to get even. My jealousy just consumed me. HOMER Stole my JELL-O what? A flash of white light beams down from above. A gust of wind blows down on Apu and Homer. A glowing white sphere appears beside the two men. The glow slowly fades to reveal Frink with his squishee time machine. He is decked out in futuristic attire, complete with silver reflective goggles and vinyl coveralls. He jumps down off the machine, grabbing Apu. Apu. me. FRINK You've got to come back with

APU I don't understand. where?

Back?

Back

FRINK Back to the Kwik-E-Mart of the future. APU Why? What happens to me? Do I become an imbecile or something? Pause.

34. FRINK No, no. You turn out just fine. It's your kids we've got to worry about. Frink straddles the squishee machine. Come on. FRINK (contd) Let's go. Kevin Bacon? This

APU What about the store? FRINK Well, bring him along. concerns him too.

Kevin Bacon, still covered in orange goo, runs and hops onto the machine. Woo-Hoo! BACON

Apu climbs onto the machine as it lifts off the ground, leaving a gust of wind beneath it. He glances at the spinning chambers on the front of the machine. APU Oh, Professor. We should stop by the Kwik-E-Mart. There's not enough syrup in here to make it very far. Syrup? FRINK

Frink pulls his goggles down onto his face. FRINK (contd) Where we're going, we don't need syrup. The time machine lifts up further, then makes a U-turn before speeding off in time. FADE OUT.