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Crazy As A Loon - Hailey Edwards
Crazy As A Loon - Hailey Edwards
HAILEY EDWARDS
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purely coincidental.
Edited by Sasha Knight
Copy Edited by Kimberly Cannon
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Cover by Damonza
CONTENTS
Crazy as a Loon
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Join the Team
About the Author
Also by Hailey Edwards
CRAZY AS A LOON
Life is good.
Well, it’s okay.
Fine.
It could be bloodier with a smidge more gore, but retirement is
meant to be low-key. It’s not like her fragile bones could
handle the strenuous hunt for monsters, even if her current
duties are dull as dishwater.
Sure, Betty just had a hip replacement, and Flo would rather
flirt than fight, and Ida is busy with her anniversary plans, and
Joan is…Joan. But Ellie is certain she can whip the girls into
shape in time to defeat the creature preying on kids at a nearby
summer camp. She might even have them home in time for
dinner.
CHAPTER ONE
T he next morning, long after the girls had seen off our
last guest and Zander and I had returned from the
camp, we all sat down to a shifter-size breakfast spread Ida
cooked up to discuss what we had learned at Mudskipper.
We had just finished covering the bullet points when the
back door swung open, the knob embedding itself in the
drywall. I couldn’t count the number of times that had
happened with shifters in the house. That area was held
together with plaster and hope, and it looked like I was
running short on both.
A curvy woman almost five feet tall prowled in with a
hand fisted in the ruff of a massive golden wolf.
“Zander,” she growled at her brother-in-law. “You have
some explaining to do.”
The wolf snarled its lip over its teeth, and drool strung its
jaw.
“Hi, Maryna.” I blew on my piping-hot tea. “Zale.”
Zander crunched on his bacon, sipped his orange juice, and
otherwise ignored the fuming couple.
“Zale.” Betty shook her finger at him. “This is your
auntie’s house, and you are a guest in it.”
“Apologies, Auntie El.” Maryna inclined her head like
royalty. “We will, of course, pay for the damages.”
“Now wait just a cotton-picking minute.” I shot to my feet.
“I know that tone, young lady.”
The aggression in my stance triggered Zander, and a
hulking grizzly tore from his skin, shoving the table clear
across the kitchen into the fridge.
“No.” I jumped on his back. “You are not fighting in my
house.”
“Are you out of your mind?” Wally flexed his gills at me.
“Get off that bear.”
With a gentle paw, Zander pushed me off him onto the
floor then grunted to the wolf.
They didn’t speak the same language in this form, but they
had one of their own, as brothers often did.
“Maryna,” Betty tried again. “You need to stop this.”
“Zander lied to us.” A wildcat yowled in her voice. “He
disobeyed a direct order not to involve you.”
“He’s a bear,” I yelled at her. “Zale is a wolf.”
“Direct orders don’t apply when you’re dealing with two
alpha personalities,” Flo added. “In fact, you ought to know by
now it only incites them to do the exact opposite of what
they’re asked out of spite.”
“You always take Zander’s side.” She aimed her sneer at
the coven. “You treat him like he’s still a baby.”
“And you act like a bear ought to submit to a wolf.” I
braced a hand on the wall. “If you had any respect for Betty,
Zale would have come on two legs. Brothers can be reasoned
with. Two predatory brawlers with a bone to pick cannot.”
Lord save me from alpha personalities. Betty never failed
to adopt them. Or maybe she raised them. She was an alpha
personality herself. How she kept them all alive while under
one roof was a miracle.
The wolf had already padded out the door, but the bear had
to wiggle his hips to fit through the frame.
This was not the time to notice how adorable his nubby tail
was as it wagged with his effort.
Tempers ran too high for me to add more fuel to the
playing favorites fire.
Even if it was so cute I almost smiled despite myself.
“I expect better from you,” Betty chastised Maryna, rising
to her feet. “Both of you.”
“I could say the same about you,” she snapped. “This was
our problem to solve, as Zeke’s parents.”
The bite of resentment had me certain this wasn’t the first
time Betty and Maryna clashed over camp.
“You weren’t solving it fast enough,” Ida said gently.
“Think of Zeke’s health.”
A fraction of the fight drained out of Maryna, but her jaw
remained a stubborn line.
“This is bigger than Zeke,” I tried to reason with her.
“Other children are in danger.”
A roar from outside rattled the glass in the windowpanes,
and a series of loud snarls answered it.
“We’re too late.” Ida pressed a hand to her chest. “Nothing
but submission will pry them apart now.”
“We’ll see about that.” Betty double-timed it onto the
porch. “Boys, you better listen to your mother…”
Maryna joined her, hands on her hips, but she didn’t lift a
finger to make the brothers stop.
“What’s the plan?” Flo sipped her mimosa. “I assume you
have one.”
The girls looked to me, expecting a solution, and I
wracked my brain for the quickest way to prevent this from
becoming an incident. With my luck, folks would claim I was
hosting a wildlife fight ring, and no amount of magic would
get me out of that much trouble.
“Ida, get the hose.” I rubbed my face. “Joan, get the spare
crystal.” I pointed to Flo. “Call the Middles.”
The three of us hustled out the back door, drawing on our
magic stores for speed and strength.
Moving into position at the side of the house, I waited on
Ida while tamping down an eagerness to jump in and crack
their heads together that belonged on a version of me that
wasn’t more likely to break a bone in the effort than dent their
thick skulls.
“Hose is ready.” Ida widened her stance, bracing her legs.
“Tell me when.”
The fight hadn’t gone out of the boys whatsoever, so with
a grunt of disappointment, I gave the okay.
Using magic, she transformed the gentle flow of a garden
hose into the punishing force of a fire hose.
Water pummeled Zale’s side, knocking him off his brother,
who rose on his hind legs.
“Oh no, you don’t,” Ida muttered, shifting her blast. “I am
Switzerland.”
The stream hit Zander in the shoulder, spinning him
around and knocking him back onto all fours.
“Good job.” I patted her shoulder. “Keep them separated as
best you can.”
“I’ve got the spare.” Joan cupped it in her palms. “Does it
still count as a spare if we always deplete it?”
“Hit them with freeze spells.” I had no time for Joan logic.
“Minor ones.”
We had to conserve as much magic as possible for camp
patrol tonight, and Ida was already sweating.
“Did you know—” Joan turned mist from the hose into
tiny snowflakes, “—no two are the same?”
“Backup will be here in five.” Flo carefully avoided the
puddles. “They’re using their boosters.”
We provided charms for Zeb and Zack—and only for Zeb
and Zack—to use in the event of an emergency. The boosters
maxed out their vehicles’ top speeds and cast a faint
misdirection spell to keep them from getting pulled over for
breaking the speed limit into itty-bitty pieces.
To replace those would cost us more magic, but the boys
couldn’t be without them. Not in this family.
The girls and I weren’t sturdy enough to break up fights
anymore, even with a boost from the crystals. We had to let the
youngsters handle it among themselves these days.
“Hold the line as best you can,” I told Ida and Joan. “We
only need to make it five minutes.”
Five minutes might as well be five years when you’re
watching two boys you love rip each other to shreds.
“Honestly.” Flo scrunched up her nose at the mess. “I
thought they would outgrow this nonsense.”
Soon as a speck of mud hit Flo’s open-toe shoe, she
excused herself to see if she could salvage them.
Call me an optimist, but I chose to believe she couldn’t
stand to watch versus she cared more about her shoes than the
boys.
When two pickups spun into the driveway and two hulking
young men stepped out, I breathed easier.
Zeb inhaled as a middle child used to playing peacekeeper,
and exploded into a white rhino.
Zack, also a middlest thanks to Betty having six kids,
sighed at the drama then shifted into a bison.
“Cut the water,” I told Ida then ordered Joan, “Kill the
flurries.”
The heavyweights wasted no time with pleasantries. Zeb
dipped his chin and charged Zale. He struck the wolf midleap
and knocked him clear across the yard. Zale tried to stand, but
his brother wasn’t done yet. He lumbered over, kicked him in
the face, then bit his tail to hold him still.
Meanwhile Zack pounded toward Zander and rammed him
with his horns, piercing his shoulder. Zander fell on his butt
with a snarl and swiped at Zack, scratching down his side.
Zack ignored the blood and lined up for another go, slamming
his full weight into the bear’s chest and knocking him flat on
his back. A series of swift kicks with his sharp hooves had
Zander rolling over, and that was when Zack straddled him
and sat with a grunt, pinning his brother under him.
With the worst of it over, I circled to the front of the house
to check on the others.
A flush heated Maryna’s cheeks, and her fingernails
tapered into claws.
Betty sat on her walker’s seat, her elbows braced on her
knees, and her head resting in her hands.
“Betty?” I took the steps to reach her side. “You okay?”
The faint tremor in her limbs might have convinced
someone who didn’t know her that she was seconds away
from dissolving into tears. I knew better. She was about to
jump up, toss her walker, take Zack and Zander one over each
knee, and damn her hip.
“Shift.” She dropped her hands. “Dress.” She raised her
head. “Then get your asses inside.”
The zoo on the front lawn disentangled from each other
and marched behind the house to claim pairs of the athletic
shorts I kept in a bin on the back porch for that exact reason.
The rest of their clothes were rags strewn across the lawn that
I would toss later.
“Come on.” I supported her elbow while she stood.
“Where do you want to do this?”
“Living room.” She quivered from the effort of not
throttling her kids. “There’s too many for the kitchen.”
Assisting her over the myriad fraying rugs, I positioned her
in the center of the living room then went to collect Wally and
stick him where he had the best view. About the time Joan,
Ida, and Flo had joined me on the couch, the boys walked in.
“Hey, Mom.” Zack sat on the floor in front of Betty. “How
are those tennis balls treating you?”
A few days ago, he shucked tennis balls and stuck them to
her walker’s legs to make it more stable.
“Works like a charm.” She patted his cheek. “You’re a
good egg.”
Zeb braved the room next, electing to sit beside his
brother, and heaved another sigh.
“I know what you mean,” she empathized with him.
“Those two are going to put me in an early grave.”
Zeb let her tousle his hair. He wasn’t a fan of touch, never
had been, but she got away with it.
After him, Maryna and Zale walked in, hand in hand, and
stood behind the middles.
Zander was last, and he sat at my feet, which earned us
both sharp looks from Maryna.
“How did you plan on handling this situation?” Betty
rested her forearms on the walker’s handles like a queen sitting
on her throne. “Maryna assured me you two were on top of it,
and yet my grandson was still a wolf two nights ago.”
“The new environment caused a sensory overload.” Zale
kept his tone respectful. “His new therapist has a ninety-five
percent success rate. Zeke just needs more time.”
“That’s the one thing he doesn’t have,” Betty pointed out.
“You should have come to me sooner.”
“I never should have let you talk me into sending him to
that backwater camp,” Maryna snarled back. “I understand it
was a tradition for your children, but there weren’t many
options in your area for enrichment.” She held tight to Zale.
“Zeke could have gone to computer day camp and been home
in time for supper every night. If he had, we wouldn’t be
having this conversation.”
“We loved Mudskipper.” Zack angled his head toward her.
“We still keep in touch with the friends we made there over the
years.”
Zeb flashed a recent text message on his phone with
someone who had a campfire emoji in their name.
“You got Zeke out,” Zander countered his big brother.
“What about the other kids?” Zander picked at a string on his
shorts until I popped his hand. “You’re okay with leaving them
there?”
“We’re not their parents.” A muscle fluttered along Zale’s
jaw. “We can’t make those decisions for them.”
“Those kids are in danger.” I let that settle. “Zander and I
went to investigate last night, and we learned Zeke isn’t the
only victim. Just the first.”
Aiming a finger at Zander, Zale lit into him. “You had no
right—”
“I had every right.” Zander’s chest rumbled. “Zeke is my
nephew, and he’s in trouble.”
A snarl rattled through Zale while Maryna hissed through
her teeth.
“We’re not going down this path again.” I got to my feet.
“Use your words, not your fists.”
Or teeth.
Or claws.
Or horns.
Or hooves.
“I hate to be rude, Ellie,” Betty started, “but can we have
the room?”
“Take all the time you need.” I unstuck Wally and cradled
him to my chest. “We’ll be in the kitchen.”
After the earlier tussle, the kitchen required some
straightening before the girls and I could sit around the table
again.
“Who wants coffee?” I stuck Wally safely back to the wall
in case things went south. “I have sweet tea and lemonade.”
“Tequila over here.” Flo met my stare head-on. “What? We
all know you stock a full bar.”
“Make mine vodka.” Ida lifted her hand. “These days my
nerves need all the help they can get.”
“Guinness.” Joan blinked at me. “Did you know the plastic
ball in a Guinness can is called a widget?”
“Yes.” I started pouring. “You told me last week it’s
responsible for the creamy head of foam.”
She gave a beautiful technical explanation how the floating
widget replicated the famous two-part pour, but what I
remembered most was the widget’s uncanny resemblance to a
ping-pong ball with two holes.
Once the booze was flowing, I sank into a chair with an
inch of bourbon in a glass for myself and kicked out my legs.
“This is what comes from marrying for love.” Flo downed
her shot like a pro and glanced around to see if I had hired a
bartender in the time it took her to blink. Sadly, I had not. She
would have to pour round two herself. “Headache and
heartache.”
Wally and I exchanged a knowing glance, but we couldn’t
exactly disagree.
Love hurt. Either from having it or not having. I wasn’t
sure which was worse.
“There were bound to be hiccups.” Ida sipped her drink.
“Packs and prides run differently.”
“That’s a delicate way of saying Maryna comes from an
old family with old money and old traditions. Worse, she’s
beautiful. That combination means she expects to always get
her way with a man.” Flo dipped her finger in her glass then
licked it clean. “Her father was, I suspect, the first to fall
victim to her wiles.”
“Not everyone has daddy issues,” I cut in, swirling the
contents of my glass.
“Twenty-five percent of children born in the US grow up
without their biological father sharing the same address.” Joan
gazed into her ice water. “Daddy issues are far more prevalent
than most people realize.”
“Zack wasn’t a clod of dirt she picked out of her shoe and
decided to marry,” Ida challenged Flo, leaving Joan to
continue with her statistics. “He comes from a good family,
and he’s never wanted for anything.”
“Zack comes from…” Flo gave up on flagging down a
nonexistent server and rose, “…we don’t know where.”
“We’re his people.” I smacked my glass on the table.
“That’s all that should matter.”
“Blood is what counts with these people.” Flo cut out the
middleman and drank straight from the bottle. “Trust me.”
Out of all of us, she would know, having shed her skin so
many times to fit in with her targets.
A yowl split the air, and I set my palms on the table, ready
to rise if Betty needed me.
Seconds later, Maryna and Zale exited the living room.
She prowled to the door and stood there, glaring at us, while
he made the circuit, kissing each of our cheeks and
apologizing for his earlier behavior.
Whether his conscience dictated his actions, or his mother,
Maryna remained unrepentant.
The couple left after that, her hand on his upper arm, her
nails piercing his shirt to the skin beneath.
A muted thump-thump warned me Betty was on her way to
see us.
Shifter ears being keen as they were, I knew her kids had
heard our table talk, but I was too irked to care.
“I hope you saved some for me.” She entered the kitchen.
“Lord knows I need it.”
“Whisky sour?” I pushed up, ready to play hostess, which
earned me a dirty look from Flo.
“Whisky. Just whisky.” She noticed Flo with her bottle.
“Or maybe I’ll just have what she’s having.”
“You’re on pain meds,” I reminded her. “Your whisky will
be half water, sour or not.”
“Killjoy.” She grunted as she eased onto her seat. “As to
your general dislike of my daughter-in-law, you have to cut the
girl some slack. Her family is a hardcore matriarchy, which is
not too different from how Zale was raised. But they’re
pureblooded shifters. She’s got a lot of cougar in her. They’re
solitary animals by nature, which makes her choice to marry
and live with Zale remarkable. Practically unheard of. The rest
of her kin shares a compound on a property that’s been in their
family for a century or more. Females and children in one
house. Males in another.”
“Sounds like they’ve got the right idea.” Flo put down the
bottle to listen. “But Maryna balked at tradition?”
“Living with Zale is challenging. She copes because she
knows the wolf in him craves pack. But sharing the
responsibility of raising a child with a man? It goes against her
instincts and her upbringing.” She accepted her drink from me
with a nod. “Don’t judge her too harshly is all I’m saying. It
may not look like it, but she’s trying.”
“He is too,” Zander said from the doorway. “Maybe
they’re trying too hard.”
“To avoid stepping on one another’s toes,” I said, “they’re
bound to have their share of missteps.”
“Maryna and Zale are taking care of their family the best
way they know how, which is the most important thing.” She
stared into her glass, near empty, like she hoped the glass was
enchanted to refill itself when she hit bottom. She and Flo had
more in common than they realized. “I have their blessing to
continue investigating.”
With probable cause, we no longer required permission or
a blessing to investigate. For the sake of preserving Betty’s
relationship with her kids, I was glad for her that Zale
extended that much leeway.
The alcohol was hitting Ida, and she smiled softly at
Zander. “What kind of father will you be?”
“A beary good one?” Betty chuckled. “The beary best?”
“Uh, no.” He ruffled his hair. “Bears eat their cubs. Like a
lot.”
We allowed for a moment of silence to absorb that grim
reality then the alcohol got the best of us.
“Beary well,” I began. “Let’s get down to business.”
“Yes,” Flo demurred. “Let’s.”
“We need more intel before we make a plan of attack.” I
picked at the tabletop with a fingernail. “Odds are good the
black magic traces Zander and I picked up last night came
from an enchantment or charm.”
“You don’t think the witch is on the grounds,” Ida
surmised. “That’s good news.”
“The smell was too faint to be fresh, or he would have
caught it sooner.” I quit picking when I noticed I was gouging
the wood. “Even over the environmental factors.”
“What I’m hearing is Auntie Ellie and I have a hot date
tonight.” Zander walked up behind me and wrapped his arms
around my shoulders, squeezing me tight. “What time should I
pick you up, sweetheart?”
“Don’t get fresh with my wife, young man.” Wally side-
eyed him. “Keep your paws to yourself.”
“No paws it is.” He winked at me. “She’s safe in my
hands.”
Swatting the terror on his shoulder, I grinned up at Wally,
and it was almost like old times.
Sure it was, and maybe I would believe myself one day if I
kept telling myself often enough.
CHAPTER SEVEN
O ne week later.
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