Some people believe that we cannot go without TV in our modern life.

What is your opinion about the positive effects of TV on our life?

In this modernisation era, TV has become an essential role in every

household and it seems to play such indispensable role in our daily life
on account of its immense benefits for the worldto users. This essay will
illustrate several underlying merits of this device as well as my opinion
toward them. ý của e là gì thì express ngay luôn ở phần mở
bài.
Firstly, from my viewpoint, humans are the beneficiaries of TV since
TV provides us with instant and accurate news from every part of the
worldhumans can access to the latest worldwide news by TV. Since due
to the appearance of TV, information has been transferred much more
easily and quickly., Cconsequently, people are able to be more updated
and savvy about life. There are numerous educative channels that not
only children but also adults can also choose and broaden their horizons
like NationalGeographic or Discovery Channel. We can now get
exposed to many science researches which are exceedingly informative
and fascinating.
Secondly, TV consists of various entertaining programs to meet the
need of viewers. and Iit apparently plays a pivotal part of individuals'
amusing life. Nowadays, TVs are equipped with cutting-edge
technology so that it can provide users with such bright and intricate
images which totally satisfy peopleviewers. People can also enjoy
plentiful comedy shows, reality shows as well as dramatic movies which
are perfect for relaxation as far as I am concerned.
All things considered, due to the technological advancement, TVs now
get much closer to almost every house in the world, which helps people
to be more informed and entertained. From my perspective, if it had not
been for this big achievement in technology, the society would not have
developed so inconceivably and people would not have lived so
happily.it is hard to imagine a life without this big achievement in
technology.

Trong đoạn 1, câu topic sentence của e chỉ nói về news. Trong khi
đoạn đỏ này lại nói về knowledge. Nếu e muốn bao gồm cả ý knowledge
luôn thì nên bổ sung thêm ở câu topic sentence.
 Đang nói về amusement, sao lại đi phân tích về công nghệ phát triển,
hình ảnh sáng rõ, thu hút chi đây ?????????

COMMENT:
As usual, your vocab and grammar are fine.
You also fix mistakes in the previous one, symbolise sentences.
EXCELLENT
However, some sentences in your essay have problems.
In important sentences as thesis statement or topic sentence, try to go
straight to the main ponits, don’t beat around the bush or write clauses
which have nearly same meaning. If you want to explain anything, put
them in supporting sentences.
And remember, with topic sentence, include main ideas you want to
express in supporting sentences.

I think with this essay, you should rewrite another draft, and hand me
next week