Death and Breakfast: First Draft

By Sam Walhof

Setting: A nice kitchen with a small kitchen table, early morning

Characters:

Jonathan: a high ranking member of society, married with two grown children. Someone has put a very
large sum of money on his head. His family is away for the weekend. Does not speak during the play. Has
an extremely strong freeze response.

Alexander: An assassin, extremely well prepared for everything, except someone else invading on his
plans. Simply dressed in black.

Xerxes: An assassin, obsessed with style and fashion. Well-dressed.

Brutus: An assassin. This is his first job. It shows. Street clothes.

(All roles except Jonathan are appropriate for either gender. Names are just for fun.)

A note: This is a first draft. The characters will make weird and confusing decisions and you may hate it.
Let me know anyways! I’d love the feedback.
(Lights up, low. A dining table with three chairs. A lamp and a few things on the table. Jonathan shuffles
in wearing a bathrobe. Alexander is sitting at the table. Jonathan doesn’t see him. Jonathan turns on the
lamp. [Lights come up more.] He is shocked as he sees Alex.)

Alex: Good morning, Mr. Patrick.

Jon: Wh…Wha…

Alex: I know you must have many questions. And to answer the first one; yes, I am here to kill you.

Jon: *gulp*

Alex: This is a very troubling time for you. I just want you to know that I am here for you if you need
anything before I kill you.

Please sit down.

(Jon sits down.)

Have some coffee. 2 creams, 3 sugars, a pump of hazelnut. Not exactly a health coach, are we, Mr.
Patrick?

(Jon does not take a drink.)

Cigarette?

(Jon does not take a cigarette.)

I’ve also brought assorted pastries if you’d like one. The croissants are quite delicious.

(Jon does not take any food. Maybe Alex helps himself to one during the following monologue.)

I’ve provided a complimentary letter to your family, telling them you love them very much, and
explaining the circumstances of your death. I have special powers of attorney, so if you’d like to change
your will at this time, it is completely doable. And since you are a practicing Catholic, I thought I should
make it know I am an ordained priest of the Catholic church and will provide final rites for your passing
and burial.

No need to thank me. Your bounty will pay quite well, and so I feel that it is only right for me to provide
such comforts.

I admire you Jonathan. You are a man of noble character and good standing with many people.
Unfortunately that means someone wants you dead. If it gives you any solace, this funding will allow me
to retire in Costa Rica, leaving me plenty of time left in my life to learn to surf and take a Costa Rican
mistress. And the world will have 1 less assassin.

(Places a bag on the table. Starts pulling out weapons.)

Now for the easiest decision of your life: how would you like to die?

(Alex stops. He listens. Silence. He moves. He stops. He listens again. Scuffle is heard offstage. Alex shuts
the lights off.)
(Xerxes enters in heeled shoes, turns on the lights. Jon and Alex have switched chairs. Jon looks very
confused. All are surprised. Assassins give shocked yelps then quickly compose themselves. During the
following, they point their guns between Jon and each other.)

Alex: Who are you? (pointing gun at Xerxes)

Xerxes: Who are you? And why are you in my target’s house?

Alex: I should ask the same thing of you. I was here first! (To Jon) Jonathan, I assure you, this was not
part of the plan.

Xerxes: This is unbelievable!

Alex: I’ve been planning this for 1 month and this idiot shows up on the same day I do! I knew about this
hit before it was even posted!

Xerxes: You planned for 1 month and you chose to wear that? What a waste!

Alex: What?

Xerxes: Your outfit is horrible! (goes on to critique outfit based on costume design)

Alex: I am a consummate professional. This is what all the best wear.

Xerxes: And they are stupid for it! Such classless clothing makes us no different from other murderers!

Alex: Well my attire is certainly more practical than yours, and will decrease my escape time by at least 2
minutes.

Xerxes: Psh! What a ridiculous idea. I always say: dress to kill, kill to dress. (poses)

And I will not have you take my reward!

Alex: I was here first! I will not tolerate any seconds behind me trying to take my reward! Again, I am
sorry, John, this was supposed to go smoother.

Xerxes: Jack, do not listen to his pleas of pity so lacking in style. If you truly want a death worthy of a
man such as yourself. You should let me have the honor of killing you. The scene of your death would
become an art piece. A masterpiece! Think of what that robe would look like on the Paris runway with
your blood covering it! You would live on forever! Fame would be yours in death!

Alex: You sick freak. You just had to come and mess up this man’s perfect and comfortable death.

Xerxes: If perfection means boring. Really, Joe, you could do so much better. Let me kill you and I will
make it worth your while.

Alex: John, think of your family. You wouldn’t want such disgrace to befall them!

Xerxes: What will family matter when you have fame?

Alex: I don’t have time for this. I’ll kill you too and then John, you can have the death you deserve.

Xerxes: Not so fast! Planning makes you slow, inflexible, which always translates to the trigger. I’ll beat
you to it, and then Paul can be famous.
Alex: John, don’t listen to him.

Xerxes: Two corpses will make the scene that much more interesting. Very well.

(Glass shatters offstage. Xerxes shuts the lights off.)

(The door opens rather loudly, and Brutus stumbles in. He turns on the light. Xerxes, Jon, and Alex have
all switched spots again. The assassins yelp, then compose themselves.)

Brutus: Oh crap! Did I bring enough bullets? (counts his bullets)

Xerxes: What the…

Alex: You’ve got to be joking…He better not be with you (to Xerxes)!

Xerxes: He’s not.

Brutus: Three people, so much more blood. I’m gonna have to take a longer shower…wait, are you guys
assassins too?

Alex: I still can’t believe this is happening.

Brutus: Cool, cool, cool. I am too. Just gonna be honest, this is my first job, pretty excited. Are you guys
partners or something?

Xerxes: Hardly, his hair is terrible.

Alex: I wouldn’t ever split the bounty with your campy ass.

(Brutus pulls out a picture and examines it, then examines John)

Brutus: Is this the right guy?

Xerxes: Why would it be the wrong guys?

Brutus: The nose doesn’t really match the photo I was sent.

Alex: (impatient) Well, both of us came more prepared than you, so I think we’ve got the right guy.

Brutus: Ok, well then let’s get this over with. (Points his gun at Jon, Xerxes and Alex point theirs at him)

Xerxes: Don’t you dare!

Alex: Wait a minute! I sure won’t have you walking out of here with my money!

Brutus: Hey chill! I didn’t know! Cut me some slack.

Xerxes: Your lack of class is going to get you killed.

Brutus: Sorry, okay? I’m just under a lot of stress. I need to make this quick to get to my shift at Karibou.

Alex: What?

Brutus: Not all of us can do what we love and be hitmen.

Xerxes: (Aside) Not all of us should do what we love.

Brutus: I’m in it for more than the money anyways. I’m helping stave off humanity’s extinction. One less
person in the world means less evil and less pollution.

(Jon, Alex, Xerxes are all very confused)

Though finally being able to move out o fmy parents’ house and pursue better things is a plus.
(Becoming more confident) Now we can either split the bounty or I can kill you too, but I don’t want to
do that. Bullets are expensive.

Alex: You barely loaded your gun by yourself, you idiot! And I work alone! Two more kills to the total
won’t be any bother to the Costa Rican government.

Xerxes: Either of you would be lucky to leave after I’ve finished the contract. The money might as well be
a new leopard print suit.

Alex: That’s my surfing money!

Brutus: Come on, guys! I need to pay off my student loans. That’s a more worthy cause!

Alex: You’re an assassin. The only worthy cause is yourself.

Xerxes: And fashion!

Alex: Shut up!

Brutus: Fine! I can just buy more bullets! And I didn’t need your help anyway!

Alex: I neve offered it to you, you imbecile! Jonathan, please, you must believe I did not mean for this to
happen. Your death would have been so peaceful.

Xerxes: And classless! Jonathan! Wouldn’t you rather go out in style? Everyone would remember you!
An assassination victim. Murdered in cold-blooded fashion. Your death could have an amazing audience!

Brutus: That’s ridiculous! Dude, I really need to pay off my student loans. You’d be doing me a huge
favor by letting me kill you. Think of all the good you could do! I’ve got nothing if I don’t get that money.
I wouldn’t even need all of it. I could give it to charity! Even if I had to split it with these jerks!

(During this exchange, the assassins go back and forth between pointing at

Xerxes: Not after you ruined my art!

Alex: Your art! I was here first!

Xerxes: Well I’ll do it best!

Brutus: I deserve it the most!

Alex: It’s not about what you deserve!

Xerxes: It’s not about your plan!

Brutus: It’s not about art!

Alex: Enough! Jonathan! I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to expedite your death!
Brutus: Not if I shoot first! I need that money!

Xerxes: You won’t get the chance! I have time to kill all three of you!

Alex: I’ll kill you first!

Xerxes: I’ll kill you!

Brutus: I’ll kill you! (All pointing guns at each other)

All three: AAAAAHHHHH!

(Three quick gunshots)

(Jonathan cowers, then looks up. The assassins collapse to the floor at the same time. Jon looks around
dumbfounded, looks up, takes a croissant mindlessly.)

(Blackout).

End of Play