Ever have this happen, your parent, friend, or other calls you in fear about wha t they just

saw a computer do on television? i.e., "I was just watching NCIS and McGee hacked the pentagon with homology". Wha? ! Hollywood computers are not real. The following is a set of properties that ONL Y hold true with TV computers. Advise the technologically "special" ones in you r life:

/************************************/ /* HOLLYWOOD OPERATING SYSTEM */

/************************************/ 1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. 2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes pe r second. 3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. 4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also dis appears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there ar e no undelete utilities. Corollary: Deleting a file instantly removes all copies of said file from disks, memory, frame buffers and caches across all computers in the universe. 5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it. 6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system y ou put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. 7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled. 8. Most computers, no matter how small or old, have reality-defying three-dimens ional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. 9. Laptops from 1992 always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilit ies and the performance of a CRAY. 10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it pro jects itself onto his/her face.

11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operatin g computers never make mistakes under stress. 12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's computer -- simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop. 13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of code controll ing a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year old who has se en a Unix system before. Seeing an operating system means you know how to run a ny application on that system, even custom apps. Note: What (1) (2) (3) (4) OS was it really running? "These are super computers". A CrayOS? "Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can." MacOS? "Reboot. System ready. C:\" DOS? "Hey, this is Unix. I know this" Unix?

The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS as a g raphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base. 14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer. Presumably the virus has its own built-in power supply. 15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by unplug ging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory "back door" all evil viru s programmers put in. 16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved. 17. All text must be at least 72 point. 18. Word processors do not have an insert point. 19. The only way to reboot is to shut off the main power to the building. 20. Passwords can be guessed in three and exactly three tries. If you cannot gu ess the password in three tries, you must give up immediately. 21. Any task or program can be executed by simply pressing Enter, no matter whic h program or window is in the foreground. 22. All scanners, video cameras and digital cameras have a resolution of approxi mately 500 megapixels. Any image can be infinitely magnified with no pixelizati on. 23. Security will not improve over time. Nonaffialiated personnel can take over a space ship without needing an account or access control. Corollary: Anyone can override access control lists in the future. 24. All hackers wear black T-shirts or Hawaiian shirts. 25. Incoming messages are displayed letter by letter. Email over the Internet w orks like telegraphs. 26. Microsoft Windows doesn't exist. Macintosh has a 75% market share.

27. GUI operations, such as image selection and manipulation, can be handled eas ily and quickly via the keyboard. 28. If a robot's eyes turn red, it becomes evil. 29. Cell phones and laptops have infinite battery life, until you need to call f or help. 30. Latency does not exist. Voice and data can be sent to Mars in real time. 31. If all else fails, hit it. That fixes everything. 32. If you don't have the combination to an electronic door lock, shoot it. Des truction of the lock electronics will always unlock the door. 33. Computers with touch screen interfaces are noisy. 34. When entering a password, it will be displayed as clear text, in a 96 point font and on a 50 inch wall mounted screen. However, everyone is really courteou s, as password snooping doesn't happen.