MARITAL RECOVERY IN THE FACE OF

INFIDELITY
Mr. Benny Bong
13 February 2023
MARITAL RECOVERY
In the face of Infidelity
BENNY BONG
THE FAMILY THERAPIST
Marital Recovery
“The discovery of an affair is usually the catalyst for
initiating marital therapy.”

“Once there is an affair, the vase (of trust) is broken.”

“There is no justification for having an affair.”

“You didn’t just cheat on me; you cheated on us.”

“It always takes two to tango, so no one party is guilt-

free.”
Marital Recovery
Outline
 What is an affair?
 How prevalent is this problem?
 How does it affect individuals?
 Why does it occur?
 How does it develop and how to recover?
 How can we help?
Marital Recovery
What is an affair?
What are our assumptions about an affair?
 Involves heterosexual couple
 Only one person
 Sexual intercourse
E.M.A./E.M.S./E.M.R/E.M.I
Marital Recovery
What is an Affair?
 Definition (EMI)
“… our definition of extramarital
involvement (EMI) is not solely contingent
upon the traditional criteria of sexual
intercourse but includes non-coital sexual
intimacies and extramarital emotional
involvement.”

(Ref: Glass & Wright ’97 p 472)

Marital Recovery
What is an affair?
“An affair is a sexual involvement with someone
other than the spouse which is hidden from the
spouse.”
(Brown ‘91 p. 19)
Marital Recovery
How prevalent is this problem?
Clinical Sample - 25% -- Presenting
Problem & 30% -- Disclosed Problem
(Glass and Wright ‘97, p. 472)

46% of 441 people in monogamous

relationships said they had affairs. Nearly
24% of marriages affected by infidelity.
(2021 Health Testing Centres)
Marital Recovery
How prevalent is this problem?
Divorce stats in Singapore
Marriges; 28321 (2021) 27971 (2016)
Divorces: 7890 (2021) 7614 (2016)
Top two reasons for divorce are “Unreasonable
behaviour” 58.1% and “Living apart for 3 years”
(51.7%)
Divorce under Muslim Law, 1 in 5 cases were for
“Infidelity or EMA”
(Dept of Statistics 2021)
Marital Recovery
How does it affect individuals?
Victim
-- “Broken heart”: Emotional roller-coaster
-- Broken trust
-- Breakdown in communication
-- Conflict
Children
-- Break in relationship, having to take sides
-- Withdrawal
-- Neglected
-- Loss of respect
Marital Recovery
How does it affect individuals? (cont’d)
Infidel
-- Emotional coldness and hardness
-- Guilt and remorse
-- Loss of self-respect and self-esteem
-- Loss of moral authority
-- Sadness and grief over loss of relationship
--Cut-off from support base
Marital Recovery
Why does it occur?
Helpful question
Getting to the root cause and not just
treating the symptom
Infidel may feel his/her needs are unaddressed
and response of others is one-sided
Unhelpful question
May be seen as justifying the betrayal
Adds to pain suffered by the Hurt Party
Poses a distraction from the work needed to
be done by the Infidel
Marital Recovery
Why does it occur?
Meaning of affairs (Brown 1991)
-- Conflict Avoidance Affair – “I’ll make you pay
attention to me.”
-- Intimacy Avoidance Affair – “I don’t want to need
you so much.”
-- Sexual Addiction Affair – “Fill me up.”
-- Empty Nest Affair – “I don’t like you but can’t live
without you.”
Marital Recovery
Why does it occur?
Meaning of Affairs (cont’d)
-- Out of the Door Affair – “Help me make it out of
the door.”
-- Midlife Crisis Affair – “I’ve still got it in me.”

The “reasons” above, places the problem mainly

with the infidel, even when the Hurt Party may
have added to the marital dissatisfaction or
conflict. Even so, Marital Recovery will involve
working with both parties and on the marital
system.
Marital Recovery
How does it develop and how to recover?
Stages of an Affair: (Brown 1991)
Climate setting
Periods of marital dissatisfaction and conflict
Weakening of the “glue” of the marriage
Opportunity and distraction
Betrayal begins, spouse ignores signs
Hurt Party often hopes that signs are
untrue
Infidel’s denial is believed
Marital Recovery
Stages of an Affair
Revelation
Often comes after a series of denials
Crisis
Emotional, psychological and social upheaval
Couple’s response ranges from making
some quick adjustments, dissolve the marriage or
making more fundamental changes
Forgiveness
Marital Recovery
How it recover?
A Three-staged Model
Metaphor of marriage as a sinking ship
Three phases of work
Stage One – Plug the hole
Stage Two – Bail out the water
Stage Three – Sail to safer waters
Marital Recovery
Stage One - Plug the Hole
Ending the Affair
Immediate or ASAP
If not possible, then a clear and limited timeframe is
set and limits of contact is agreed.
Manner of communicating decision
Clearly state intent and that it is personal choice
Confidence Building Steps
Transparency and accountability
AFTER THE AFFAIR
How it ends (cont’d)
Setting Boundaries/Ring fencing marriage
Setting up barriers and cutting off links
What happens when contact occurs
Reducing reminders and stopping
Obsession
Hurt Party can also jeopardize recovery
Pursuing gathering evidence and legal
process
Sharing indiscriminately with others
Marital Recovery
Stage One - Plug the Hole
Dealing with 3rd Parties who do not
want to let go

Stage One works at beginning to rebuild

trust
It is a process
Transparency and accountability of infidel
helps
Paradox of trust and past issues
Marital Recovery
Stage Two: Bailing out the water
The “water” here is the emotions of hurt,
anger, betrayal, suspicion, anxiety, sadness,
loss.
Releasing these emotions will lead to
more stability in the relationship and
personal relief.
Addressing these emotions can lead to
authentic regret and deeper forgiveness.
Marital Recovery
Stage Two: Bailing out the water
To do this the Hurt Party;
Be in touch with and express the pain
Be specific about the many ways hurt is experienced
Learn ways to self regulate and self soothe
The Infidel must;
Learn to “sit” (listen and attend) to the pain without
Being critical, attacking, invalidating not promising
a quick fix
Infidel may also need support to deal with the guilt
and shame
Marital Recovery
Stage Two: Bailing out the water
Encountering the truth
Truth and reconciliation versus Truth and Justice
Dealing with relapses
Meaning of the relapse and commitment
Re-contracting for the work
Pacing the work
Metaphor of the wound
Individual support
Stresses from the family and on the family
Marital Recovery
Stage Three: Sailing to safer waters
Rebuilding and Restoration process
Problems that predated the infidelity are
examined and work on resolution begins
Revisioning of the marriage
Restoration of various aspects of the
marriage
Of trust
With relationships with the in-laws and friends
Rituals
Marital Recovery
Stage Three: Sailing to safer shores
Couple work may be supported by Individual
work provided they are aligned to the couple
goals
From start to end the process may be
between two to four years
Marital Recovery
How can others help?
Encourage infidel to stop and be reconciled
Encourage hurt party to not rush into
making rash decisions of to take decisive
action
Listening ear and support
Acceptance of infidel and provision of
support
Care to not exclude hurt party and children
Marital Recovery
In conclusion
Availability of complementary individual
therapy
Sequencing of issues:
Past hurts, present concern, future plans
Crisis of infidelity vs existing marital problems
Neutrality versus alignment
Counsellor’s own experience and values
Marital Recovery

Questions, Responses,
And Comments