Make Your Own Kela tionshi User Guide Meg-John Barker & Justin HancockWhy Vo reorle Have Komarlic Kela lionshiys?- 2 vit ferent kinds of Love - 3 Meta-Communication - 16 Kelationshiy Cscalators - t# Fivel Your Kelationshiy Mantra - 4Think about all the messages we're taught about love It's such a magical thing that has happened The right person will come along My soul mate is out there Many of us have grown up thinking that love is something that we have no control over: that if we have to work on our relationships then it's not natural and it's not real love. We think love is a combination of something you make happen as well as it happening to you. What if we could try a more consensual and intentional way of doing relationships? That's what this zine is about. You might find it useful with any relationship or prospective relationship to ask the following questions: - do I want a relationship with this person? - if so, of what sort (we'll come back to this)? - and, why?Why Vo People Have Komanitic Kela tionships? Try to think of at least 20 reasons that people may want to have romantic relationships, in your culture. sex to feel loved security starting a family Which of these can only be got through romantic relationships? What other kinds of relationships might give you some of these things? Which of these are you looking for? For the ones you don't currently get from a romantic partner (either because you don't have one or because they don't offer that) where might you get them from? 2vit ferent Kinds of Love The Ancient Greeks reckoned that there were 7 different kinds of love. Use the diagram below to think about all the different kinds of relationships and love that you experience. For example, you might put a few names around each one for the different people who might fit that category. Philautia Self-love. Self Big Ups Being kind to self Agave Storge Love of humanity. Relations orvery close Friends. Philia Cros Part of a team, Romantic. Sexual Pragma Luclus Enduring love Being there. Playful. Fun. Exciting love. Are all of these important to you or are some of them less so? What kind of relationships do you get these different types of love from? Are any missing in your life, where might you be able to get them from? 3ue Your Kelationshiy Matra Ring the words on this page that are important aspects of relationships for you. You could also cross out ones you don't like the idea of. slow passionate voller coaster calm kind intense cerebral hot healing consensual cool spiritual safe comfortable grounding exciting entwined connected spacious free honest open supportive secure solid fluid flexible familiar adventurous experimental edgy therapeutic dependable independent belonging nurturing spicy sexy growthful challenging gentle powerful soul -mates fair communicative respectful risky togetherness separateness home learning sacred intellectual cuddly childish silly humorous playful functional practical caring loyal obligation chatty quiet loving mutual fun trusting add your own Pick out the three most important (either for a certain kind of relationship or across all kinds of relationships). This is your relationship mantra. 1. 2. & 3.Cssential Clements of Your Kelationshiys Think about what qualities are important to you in a relationship. We've given you some examples here but feel free to add your own in (perhaps from the previous page) and cross these out if they don’t work for you. Think about a relationship you are in at the moment and then plot a graph for where you are on each spoke of the wheel. You could try this for a couple of different people in your life. 1. give each section a score 2. join the dots so you can see what's working well and not so well between you independence supportiveWhat's your velationshiys style? Which of these appeal to you and in what ways? (There might be more than one). , SS sriendship \Y/commitment << issing te Y romantic love (45 passion/sex Monogamy Moniogamish Frievids With Bene fits soy vet || say. soe therarchical Fol BPYVeot With thanks to Kirstin Rohwer.Your Kelationshiy Vimensions There are lots of different dimensions that we could use to chart our relationships (or relationship preferences). Here are just a few. . h other with eae! a pow much we share W""". Msclosue | contact wich orer P ome . a ce Racy aro physical ov sexu . , : pow oper We a ocd how si Clos NS By al We expect a relationship to be Restared Regular hed entwined/enmeshed we pees to be with each other ATA very how important it j t iN ¢ tl IS to share space with each other All Very how hierarchical we want this relationship to be CF on ; hmeorta ean (in relation to other relationships) ¥ how Flexibl tans € we want the relat. . The ie ‘onship to be over time e in advance chant eaey to how much we agre On-Go v0 Macally Negotiation ate act You might also think about: - where your current relationships are on these dimensions - where they've been in the past - where you would like them to be and - where people you're in relationships would like them to be FYour Kelationshiy Galax Imagine that the people in your life are planets circling around a star (that’s you: aww!) Fill in the picture below to show the people in each level of closeness within your own solar system. You could also draw arrows to indicate people who are becoming closer or moving further away. There might be distant stars or comets who become close every few years. Think about how you determine levels of closeness, for example is it: - who you spend most time with? - who you can be most vulnerable with? - who you are physical/sexual with? - who you share space/finances with? - who you've known for the longest time? - or something else? 8 With thanks to Alice Hoyle 8Serarateness & Togetherness Some people like to share almost everything with the person or people they are in a relationship with. Other people like to keep things really separate. Which of the following pictures looks like your most preferred way of doing separateness and togetherness? QD © COM Q) & Pick one relationship in your life and fill out the following diagram shared things r things ypu like things they like to do separately to do separately 1 T things you do things they do which you like which they like them to share you to share You could do this for different relationships, think about how you negotiate it with people and think about what your ideal would be. 71Kelationshivs Calendar Think about how much time you might spend with your different relationships (including yourself) over a typical month. Use different colours for different people. Use your colouring in power to indicate how intense that time might be. For instance: a 3 hour date with a friend might be a different intensity to spending a weekend with someone you live with. pub with J&S relaxed day by myself dinner with K visiting M,J,D&B |; | aBrief Kelationshiv Histor Our relationships now are influenced by all the other relationships we've had. From our first relationships with the care givers around us growing up, through our early friendships and more recent relationships of all kinds. It's worth thinking about our brief relationship history and what patterns it’s left us with in relationships. Kelationshiy With Caregivers Childhood Frictlsies Kelationshiys oatig Gnce Carly Adul Fates Pepi For example you might want to think of something like the following. | notice that I'm drawn to help people but sometimes that means | don't get the support that | need. | notice how often I've tried to be what | think other people want me to be. These days I'm trying to be more myself in relationships tlYour Kelationshiy Patterns From your relationship history, what strikes you about your tendencies in relationships? Use these continuums to chart where you are, either in general or in a particular relationship (it might be different for different people). You could think about dynamics you yearn for and ones you might get stuck in (e.g. someone who is 'more dog’ might be attracted to someone who is ‘more cat’ but might find them more difficult). pA) a = LoyalNeedy devenden(/Avodant So Frolective/Nur turer/Kescuer Vrotected/Nurtured/Kescued S 4] nec eeeneeeseeneeeseeeneeseeenenseseneneeteneneet ge Z Leader /Coutreller Follower/Coutralled —— LLG i —__ Gog With The Flow Cagle eye Mouse 0 ‘ldo sees the Bigger Ficlure Feeling Kight in The Copvence With thanks to Hannah Darvill 12Kelationshiy Flags Following on from your relationship patterns think about some of your green, amber and red flags in relationships. Gree Things that are really good for you in a relationship someone being able to give me wy own space knowing that someone will always be straight up with me \N eX Things that would be hard for you to handle somebody needing a lot of care over an extended period if somebody was being quite critical a lot of the time xed Things that would be too hard for you to deal with somebody shouting at me whenever they got angry \ somebody always going really quiet and not telling me when they were upset From this you might think about what you can offer in a relationship and what your limitations and boundaries are. 13Volume Settings of Your Kelationshirs We all have different features that are important to us in relationships, and different relationships will be at different levels on each of these features. Think about five features that are particularly important to you and at what level they would be at in one or more of your most important relationships. For example ‘my gn? at et a ot relationship with Steve’ 0° ae so oe yon Po e wt! yp 4001 or ogy gi My Kelationshiy With AOE You might see from this that you get different needs met in different relationships. Or that different kinds of things are important in different kinds of relationships for you. 4Whats Your Love Language? Gary Chapman came up with the idea that we all have different love languages, or ways we like to express love and have it expressed to us. Give the examples below a score from 1 to 5 to show how important they are for you to receive (1 = most important, 5 = least important). You could also add further ones, like someone showing an interest in your hobby or making public displays of affection. When you've done this do the same thing for the things you find most comfortable doing for someone (1 = most comfortable, 5 = least comfortable). It might be that there are differences in the way you prefer to give love and the way you prefer to receive it. ones you most ones you most like to receive like to give Gifts & Gestures Words of Gratitude Love & Aypreciation Acts of Service - Such As Vong Chores Speviding Quality Time Toge ther Touch & rhysical Affection 19Meta-Communication Communicating about how you like to communicate is called meta- communication. It's where you shift from talking about the content of the conversation to talking about process (talking about talking). Fill in the following to give an idea of how you like to communicate in the following situations. People like to communicate in different ways in a relationship. E.g some people feel comfortable with silence, others like to be talking all the time, some people like to have a row and clear the air, others prefer to take time out and talk about things calmly. When Im Struggling | like them to come up wit ssible solu ‘ons. | prefer to be left alone | just want them tc it them to distract me isten. | want some f physical contact. When Were Ou a Vate When Something Has Gove Well For Me When Were Having An Argument Of course you may want to think of different situations and explore how you might like to communicate for each of them. This is just a starting point for a conversation because you might have different preferences and you each might change over time. 16Kelatioushiy Escalators Relationship activists like Aggie Sez write about the relationship escalator. This is the cultural script for relationships that over time we'll get closer and closer and meet a number of check points for a ‘successful’ relationship. Instead of just following this rigid cultural script, that doesn't suit us all and can put us under pressure, you could think about. Your Escalators Things you do expect to escalate over time e.g. closeness, time together, knowing each others people. Things you really don't want that expectation on e.g. holidays together, joint finances, spending weekends with family. Things you want to be able to go down as well as up over time e.g. bringing in and letting go of certain types of sex, whether you live together or not, how regular sex is. (7Thanks for reading our zine! We hope you found the activities useful. You might want to use it as the basis of a written relationship user guide and/or as a prompt to some conversations in your relationships. You can find further resources on all these ideas, and leave us feedback on our website. We'd love to know what you think. megjohnandjustin.com twitter.com/megjohnjustin @©Meg-John Barker and Justin Hancock, 2016 This is not for resale. To buy a download for £2.50 (for you to print from at home) please head to megjohnandjustin.com. Please do not share this electronically.