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    Little Murder - Jules Feiffer

    Uploaded by

    Jeremy Joseph Ehlinger

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
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    a Little Murders A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS By Jules Feiffer No part of this book may be reproduced, stored ina retrieval system, of transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher SAMUEL FRENCH, INC 45 Wasr 25ru Staaet NEWYORK 10010 7623 Soser BovievanD HOLLYWOOD $0046 LONDON TORONTO ‘Copstight ©, 196, by Jules Peiffer ALL RIGHTS RESERVED CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that LITTLE MURDERS is subject to @ royalty. I is fully protected under the copyright ‘as ofthe United States of America, the Britsh Commonweaith, Including ‘Canada, and all other countries ofthe Copyright Union. Allright, including ‘profesional, amateur, motion pictures, eciation, lecturing, pubic reading, radio broadcasting, tclevision, andthe rights of translation into foreign lar- ‘guages are srictly reserved. In its present form the play is dediceted to the reading public only, LITTLE MURDERS may be given stage presentation by amateurs upon payment of a royaty of Pity Dollars forthe fst performance, and Twents- ‘five Dotlars for each additional performance, payable one week before the ‘date when the play is given, 10 Samuel French, In, ot 45 West 25th Siret, New York, N.Y. 10010, or at 7623 Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood, Calf. 90046, oF to Samuel French (Canada), Lid., 80 Richmond Street East, Toronto, Ontario, Canada MSC IPI ‘Ropilty of the required amount mst be paid whether the play is presented ‘for charlty or gain and whether or not admission ls chorged. ‘Stack royally quoted on application to Samuel French, In. Forail other rights than those stipulated above, apply €0 The Lantz Office, ‘Ines, 889 Seventh Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10106. Particular emphasis is taid on the question of amateur or professional readings, permision and terms for which must be secured in writing from ‘Samuel Pench, Inc. ‘Copying from this book in whole or in part i stritly forbidden by law, ‘and the right of performance i not transferable. ‘Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear onal pro- ‘rams, printing and advertising for the play: “Produced by special arrenge- ‘ment With Samuel French, Inc.® ‘Due authorship credit must be given on all programs, printing and adver. ‘ising forthe play. Znroge arse the lay Sal nol commit oraubarie ay or cgrsion by wich the copyright of he lay othe ight to copyright ‘Same may ‘No change shal be made inthe play forthe purpose of your pro= abclon uren suthoteed te wen The palliation ofthis play dows we {lable for performance by amateurs or profesional, Amateurs 5nd protesonaie considering 3 are strongly aise in ihn wm interest fo apply to Samuel french, ine tor consent be lore starting rehearayadvetsing or Cooking a theatre or hale Printed in USA, ISBN 0 573 61165 3, imply that I necessary CAST OF CHARACTERS Canon Newqursr, Patsy's father Maxyorre Newquist, Patsy's mother ‘Kenny Newgutst, Patsy's brother ‘Patsy Newquist ‘Aura CHAMBERLADN, Patsy's fance Henny Duras, a clergyman ‘Munzs Practice, Lieutenant, W.¥.C. Homicide Squad ‘Tax Juve Assontzp Webinc GuxsTs SCENES ‘The action takes place in the Newquist apartment. ACT ONE Scenm 1: An afternoon in February. Scene 2: Two months later. ACT TWO Scene 1: Four hours later. Scene 2: Six months later. 2, 4, 6, 8 who do we assassinate?” New York children’s street chant, Cirea 1964, Little Murders ACT ONE Scene 1 A view of the Newousst apartment. The living room, dining orea, fover and front door slowly fade into ‘view, [by meons of 4 scrim or any other sworkable method} in sync with the rising sound of city STREET NOISES. The apartment is typically upper West Side ond is clearly tenanted, although ot the moment—mid-morting—it is emply. As the apart ment fades into view the level of noise rises—morn- ing noise; CONSTRUCTION, TRAFFIC and HEL- ICOPTERS. In the nest few minutes both light and ise change: SHADOWS shift, lengthen and darken in sync with the fading of CONSTRUCTION sounds, replaced by the late afternoon cries of CHILDREN at play. Then, this too fades, into the quieter mono- tone of early evening TRAFFIC. The apartment darkens accordingly and we may even see the sink- ing SUN os reflected in the apartment windows across the street. [The only view of the outside world is of other buildings, other windows. What we see is com- parable to @ s1ep motion camera's view of the aport- ‘ment, from mid-morning to dusk. Throughout, 0 Heady patina of SOOT has drifted i through one of the halj-open windows—ond specks of PLASTER may, now and shen, drop from the ceiling. The TELEPHONE ‘ring:. Other sowids: POLICE SIRENS, FIRE ENGINES, ctc. Front door CHIMES; @ pause and shen it bogins to unlock. This takes time: there are two double locks on the door. 6 LITTLE MURDERS act The door stowky jruskes open, revealing two enormous shopping bags. Almost completely hidden behind ‘them is Manjonxe, small, energetic, in her fifties. Maxsonre. Don't let a draft in! (As she diseppears through the swinging door that leads to the bilchen, Kannv enters reading o poperback. He is Ustless, his carly twenties. Leaving the door open he starts’ slowly ‘across the room, engrossed in his reading. On the return swing of the kitchen door, Maxsonae reappears sans coat ad shopbig bas, hs tine carrying fled ‘obletth 4 lorge sponge.) Tm going to need your help, tan, (Kenny entors Bathroom, closes door loudly) Doatt damdle! (Manyonue runs sponge across dining-room table. Te comes up pitch Black.) Filth! (She unfolds tablecloth in ‘one motion, It falls perfectly into place.) They'll be here ‘any minute, Kenny! (She disappears into hitchen with sponge, recppears on return swing of door wth serena pled high with diskes and sifver. She is about to set table when an explosion of AUTOMOBILE HORNS drives her to ‘window, which she slams shut with great effort, Ske hastens’ to other window and switches on ATR CON- DITIONER—a loud hum, Cazor. enters, carrying brief case, He is a short, thickset, energetic man in ‘is fifties, abous Manyonte’s size.) Casot. What the hell is that for? This is February! (Switches off AIR CONDITIONER.) ‘Manyoume, (A cheerful but uninterested hug.) It drowns out the traffic. Canon, (Slips out of embrace.) All right, when swe don’t hhave guests. We don’t want people to think we're crazy. Did the liquor come? ‘Manyoarz. It came, (Suspicious.) Why are you so in- terested in liquor? act t LITTLE MURDERS 1 sCrgot. Don't wony. You've got nothing to worry about. “Manyonsz. You called up twice from the office to ask about the liquor. Canok. That's all right, ‘That's perfectly all right, (Boades’her stare.) You can find out a lot more about somebody, you know, when he's a little— (Flutters hand {0 indicate unsteady.) Mansonse. (Shocked.) Carol, you're not going to get that poor boy drunk? ‘Cazot. That poor boy wants to marry my Patsy! And éon't cali me Carol! (Sound of TOILET FLUSH. Rexx enters jrom bath- room, reading.) ‘Manyonte. But—dear—you haven't even met him! Kenny. (Matter of faci.) He's an artsy-fartsy photog- rapber. Patsy says he's thirty-six but I know he's forty. ‘Canot. (To Kenny.) Are you reading again? (Grebs paperback.) “Harlots of Venus Is that what I spend seven thousand & year on Graduate School for? Get dressed! Kenny, You lost my place, (Kena exits.) Cazox.. Why is she doing this to mez ‘Manyontz, He'll be a fine boy. I know it in my bones. ‘Canot, What are you talking about? Do you have the slightest idea what you're talking about? She's only Known him three weeks! I bet he's a fag! ‘Manyorts. Carol! Canoe. (Vicious.) I kate that namel I told you never to call me thet name, You deliberately do that to annoy me! (Shouts.) Call me “Dear”! (Subsides.) You refuse 10 look at the facis. This whole family. That's the trouble with it. I'm the only one who looks at the facts. What was th name of that Interior desorator she went to Europe with? ‘Manyonte. Howard, He was—delicate, 8 LITTLE MURDERS act Canot. Swish! And that actor, the one who she went camping up in Maine with? F Mansons, Roger. He was very muscular. Canot. Swish! And the musician. And the stock broker. ‘And the Jewish novelist Manyonte, Oh, they’re not like that— Canoz. Swish!’ Swish! Swish! T can spot ’em a mile away, She draws ’em like fifes. Too strong for real men. Too much stuif! She's got too much stuff? Wait, you'll see, This new one—what's his name? “Mansons. Alfred. CaxoL. A swish name if ever I heard one. You'll se. He'll come in, Be very polite. Very charming. Look hand- some. Well dressed. Have a strong handshake. Look me right in the eye. Smile a lot. Have white teeth, Shiny hair. Look very regular. But after two or three drinks lock at his wrists—he'll have trouble keeping ‘em straight. Watch his lips, He'll start. smacking his lips with his tongue. Watch bis eyes. Hell start rolling his eyes. And bis legs will go from being crossed like this— (Widelegged.) to this. (Close-legged.) And when he gets up to start walk- ing— (About to mimic walk. Ofstage sound of SHOTS. Canot and Manjonre rusk to window. He struggles, but Can't get it open.) Daman! Goddamn! ‘Masyoue. Hurry! (Shots fade, Offstage siren, loud, then fading.) They're miles away by now. You take for- ever. (Door CHIMES.) Parsy’s Vorce. Hey, everybody! (Canor outpaces Mansonre to door, Patsy and AtrReD enter. Confusion of ad-lib. greetings and introduc Hons. Muck excitement, laughter. Carou more in- volved with his Davesrrer than Manyonte, weko i Just 6 touch restrained. Parsy is all-consuming. Tall, act LITTLE MURDERS 9 blond, vibrant, the All-American Girl. Avena is big, heavy-set and quite dour. Teo cameras hang from sirops around His neck.) Pansy. This is Alfted! (More ad-ub, greetings. Handshakes.) Cano. Hey, you weren’t in that business down there? Parsy. What business? Cazot. Well from now on just be more careful. Moanyonte. (Eyes om Auras.) 1 don’t think me nocd ‘worry any longer, dear. Patsy's finally got herself a man (More generat laughter. Caxot, scowls.) Parsy, Where’s my Kenny? (Offtage sound of TOILET FLUSH. Kewnx enters, adjusting trousers, Patsy swoops down on him. Adib. greetings and intro- duction of AurneD. CaROL and KENNY are obviously Both crazy about Parsy. Competitive with thelr bids for atton- dion.) Alfred, this is Kenny. ‘Manyonte, (Somewhat catty.) Alfred, have you ever seen such a madhouse? You'll have to pardon the mess. (Atreep smiles difidentty,) Canor. He's in the house for three minutes and she’s already putting him on the spot. Have you ever seen any- thing like it, Alfred? (Aurnep smiles difidently.) Parsy, Kenny! You're so handsome! I can’t get over itt (To Atraep,) [ve always had a mad thing on my kid brother! (Kuni clowns embarrassment. Patsy and Marsonte laugh. Avraxp smiles difidenily. Canou looks annoyed.) Kenny! (To Aurreo,) He breaks me u 10 LITTLE MURDERS acta Canoe. (To Axreep.) Kenny's the comedian around here. (Kenny sobers inimediately.) What's your pleasure, ‘young fellow? Patsy, Mother, what have you done to this room? (LIGHTS flicker and black out in apartment, and in ‘windows across the street.) Canon. If you bothered to come here more often— Maxyonte. (Sighs.) Nothing special. A litle bit of this, A Tittle bit of that. (Ofstage SIRENS, anyone lights candles. Studying Parsv’s face.) 1 don’t like yout looks. Cano. (Studying Patsy.) What's the matter? ‘Ihe day that gel doesn’t look like a million dollars— Manyoxte. (A studied appreisal.) You've got black rings under your eyes. (LIGHTS come back up.) Parsy. Mother, that’s eye liner. ‘Manyoute, Makes you look exhausted, Kenwy, (Studying Patsy.) I like it, ‘Manyoxte, (Biows out the candles.) Always together! Caror. Do you have the slightest idea what you're talking about? She looks a million dollars! ‘Maxyorte. I know. It’s what they're weating today, I'm out of step. As usual. Canor. (A Httle nervous, To Aureep,) What's your pleasure, young fellow? Mazyoame. (Critical.) Why don't you wear your other outfit? ‘Parey. What other outfit? Canox. Will you stop criticizing? Patsy. What other outit, Mother? ‘Mazsoniz. I can't be expected to remember everything. e's not as if you still lived here. anor. What's your pleasure— Kenny. Hey, Al, want to see Patsy's old room? Patsy. Aifred, Kenny. And he's not interested in that! act LITTLE MURDERS n ‘Kenwvy. I bet he ist Want to? ‘Aura, Mybe later. Kenny. (Rejected.) Why should I care? Conor, (To Kmuvy.) He doesn’t want to! Stop a silly! (To Atrnep.) What’s your pleasure, young fellow Marjorie. Alfred, may I shake your hand? My mother taught us that you Could tell a loi about a person by the way be shakes hands. You have a good hand. (Flirta- Hous.) Better look out, Patsy! Tl steal your boy friend! (Releases Aveneo’s hand. Short laugh.) Ym only joking, Kenny, Let me try. (Shakes Atvnen’s hond.) You don't squeeze so hard. (Disengares.) Dad? ‘CaxoL. This Is the silliest business I've ever heard of! T think we all need drinks. What's your pleasure, young fellow? biatvone, Aled, is something the matter with your ‘Atrmso. (To Pars.) Is there? Pansy. (Subdued armoyonce.) Just the usual assort- ment of bruises, Mother. ‘Manyonie. What kind of talk is that? Modern talk? Patsy. (Not overjoyed to be on the subject.) Alfred is always getting beat up, Mother. At least once a week. (To Avrazo, annoyed.) Or is it more? ‘Atrrep. (Shakes his head to indicate it is not more.) T don't get hurt. ‘Manyonte. You don’t get burt? Carol, look at that boy! ‘His face is a' mass of bruises! Camo. T have asked you repeatedly never to call me Carol. (Fo Patsy.) T hate that name Carol! ‘Manyorte, I have to call you something, dear. Canot. T don’t cate what you call me. Just don’t call me Caroit ‘Kenny, Call bim Harriet! (Zoughs.) Harriet! Harriet! Oh, Harriet! Yoo-hoo! Harriet! (Conoulses himself.) Parsy. You're not being funny, Kenny. (He sobers ém- mediately.) T love your name, I know lots of men named Carel. a LITTLE MURDERS act ‘Kenny, Sure, Sure, Name one, (Canon glares at him.) Parsy. (Thinking.) Carol. . . . Kenwy. Chessman! (Screams with laughter.) Parsy, King Carol of Rumania, ‘Canot. That's right! King Carol! Damn it, that’s right! Say, I feel like a drink. Anyone join me? ‘Manson. I want to know why Alfred gets into these fights. I don’t think that’s the least bit funny. ‘Patsy. (Resigned.) Ask him! ‘Avenep. (Not interested but making an effort, mindful that this is his first attempt at conversation.) Look. (Long ause, Ormxns stir unconfortably.) There are lots of little people who like to start fights with big people. They hit ime for a couple of minutes, they see I’m not going to fall own, they get tied and they go away. Mansons. (Agifated.) So much tension, Rush, Rush. Rush. My mother taught us to take dainty, little steps. She'd fil me if she saw the stride on Patsy. Canou. (Puszled. The beginnings of contempt.) Don’t you defend yourself? ‘Atrnep, I ask them not to hit my cameras. "They're quite good about that actually. (Cheerful.) Surprising! Cant. Let me get this straight. You just stand there and let these hooligans do whatever they want to you? "AteReD. Dm quite strong so you needn’t worry abou ‘At the risk of sounding arrogant this bas been going on for ten years and I've yet to be knocked unconscious. ‘Caot. But why don’t you fight back? Aceaep. I don’t want to. Canotn Chit Jesu, yore not a pact? Patsy. (Waring.) Daddy— Avrrap. (Slowly shakes head.) An apathist. (Blank stares rom Cxzor, and Manzozte.) I want to do what I ‘want t0 do, not what they want me to do. acr LITTLE MURDERS 13 Canot. So you just stand there. ‘Acrero, It doesn’t hurt, ‘Carox. Getting your face beat in doesn’t burt? Axrnzp, Not if you daydream. I daydream all through it, About my work. I imagine myself there, in the samme shot, clicking off roll after roll of film, humming to my- self with pleasure, I hum to tayself when I work. Muggers tend to get very depressed when you hum all the while they're hitting you. There are times I get 50 carried away that T think T'm actually doing what T'm only dreaming Fim doing. It’s not something I choose to happen. It’s just one of those things you lear to live with, Parsy. (To Fant.) Look, this is an old argument and it doesn’t really concern you, Why don't we get on some- thing else? Carnot. (Indignant.) Tt certainly does concern me, young lady! Patsy, (Placating.) Oh, Daddy— Caxox. I want you to know it concerns me very much, (To Aveeen.) How do you get into these things? You must do something to get them mad— ‘Auzrep. No— Cazot. Well, God damn it, you're getting me mad! Manone. (Foking the Heat of.) Ate, do you try talking to them? 'ALERED. (The patient Old Pro.) There's no way of talk- ing someone out of beating you up if that’s what he wants to do. Kenny. (To Patsy.) This guy's a riot! (She sleps at him, He playfully eludes her.) Patsy. Haven't we had enough of this? I'm going to make some drinks, Kenny. Vodke and tonic. ‘Manyore, Just one, young man. anor, Tl make them! Patsy. No, Daddy. I want to get my hands busy. “ LITTLE MURDERS act 1 ‘Axenep. Nothing tight now. ‘ou don't drink elther. Is that right? ‘Aten. I drink beer. Get him a beer, Kenny. y is it always my turn? Atraep, Not now, thanks. Cazot. He doest’t drink, Ateeep. I'll drink later. ‘Caxox. You don’t drink. You don’t fight. Parsy. I fight, Daddy. ‘Manyorte, Carol, leave the poor boy alone. Cazot. (Shouts.) How many times do I have to tell you ‘Manyonte. I'm sorry. Whatever I do is wrong. Kewnv. (Doing Bogart.) Hey. Hey. What’s dat? Dat my best goil talking? Hey. (Hugs ler jrom bekind.) Manson, (Kiétenish.) Kenny! Stop it! What will Alfred think? He'll think you're always making love to ‘your mother! Canot. (Sourly.) He is always making love to his ‘mother. ‘Manyonte, Well, someone has to— (She smiles into Canor's glore.) deaz. Patsy. (Serving drinks.) What’s this? What’s this? T thought I was your best gitl, Kenny? (Benny tries to release Mansoriz. She grabs kis arms ‘and holds on.) Manyosie. (To Atrrep.) When Patsy lived at home we ‘used to go on like this all the time. Kenny. Whining.) Let go, Mom! Canot.. Stop all this silliness and drink your liquor. (Manyonte releases Kenwy who goes over to Patsy.) ‘Mansour, (Flrtatious.) You're an intelligent-sounding act LITTLE MURDERS 1s man, Alfred. I would think if you spoke to those people quietly and sensibly they'd realize the sort of person you were and go away. ‘Aurazp, What can you say that’s sensible to a drink who you haven't been staring at, when he shoves you in the chest and says, “Who do you think you're staring at, Fat-Face?” If you deny you've been staring at him you've as much as called him @ liar, For that you get hit, If you tell him you were staring at him because he reminds you of a kid you went to school with in Chicago, he turns out to hate Chicago. And for that you get hit ‘Manyonte, (To Patsy.) 1 didn't know he went to school in Chicago, Nobody ‘ells me anything. We went fo Chicago in 1945. Whereaboat did yo lve in Chicago, fred? ‘AurRED, The South Side. Manyorse. Tm not comfortable eating away from hhome, Well, that’s another story. Does your family still live there? "ALFRED. T don’t know. Cazot, You don’t know! What kind of answer is that? ‘You don’t know! Thats the silliest answer I've ever heard! ‘Aureep, I haven't kept up contact. (Canot frowns, disapproving.) Manyosie, There seems to be so little cohesiveness in families today. We never went anywhere. We were 100 un- sophisticated to know that home wouldn't serve, (To Parsx.) Today they run off here, they run off there— Kenny, (Zugs ier.) Vl never leave you, Mom. Cazot. Will you two break it up? How about another round? Name your poison, Alfred. 16 LITTLE MURDERS act ‘Maxson, (Sadly.) We've had our share of tragedy— Patsy, (Werning.) Mother— (PHONE rings. Caxot. starts jor it, Mazsonte Beats him 10 it) Maxyonrs. Let me, dear. It's never for you, Hello. (Amplified sound of heavy BREATHING.) Hello. Hello. Who is this? Hello, (Patsy starts toward her.) The most curious business, Hello, (WaTsy fakes the phone, Listens, Hongs up.) Patsy. (To Manyonte.) You get it too, Canor. What? (Parsy looks toward Manyoms who smiles, but does not answer.) What? ‘Mazyorte, Never mind, dear, It’s not important, (Conor frustrated. Patsy goes to hin.) Parsy, The Breather, Daddy. Do you get many of these, Mother? ‘Maxyorte, He's the pleasantest of the lot. You should ‘hear the ones who talé/ I grit my teeth, turn my ears right ‘off, and wait politely for them, "tl they've finished their CanoL. (Exasperated.) Will somebody please explain to me—? ‘Patsy. I get them every night, I suppose everyone does. ‘You know, Daddy—these odd-balls who call you up at all hours and just Breathe at you, Canor. (Appalled.) Late at night? They breathe at you? (To AurRsp.) And you don’t fight back?! (Door CHIME.) ‘Manyonre. I'l get itl (Crosses to door. Opens peep- ‘hole.) Who is it? I'm sorry, I can’t understand you! Will act LITTLE MURDERS uv you please stand closer to the peephole? I can't see you— Please take your hand off the peephole. I wam you, Dm calling the doorman! (Patsy starts for the door. Man- JoRtE shuts the peephole, intercepts her. Returns, mus- 4ng.) If it happens once, it happens a dozen times’a day. ‘And we gave that doorman fifteen dollars for Christmas. (Patsy protectively puts orms around her, Marjorie Uightly shrugs if of.) Canor. (To Atynep.) What are you going to do if you're on the street with my daughter? Patsy. Don't be silly, Daddy. I'm quite capable of tak- fing care of myself, Kenny. (Proudly.) She's as strong as an ox. When we were Kids we used to wrestle all the time. I always lost. Parsy. (Enjoying herself.) Daddy, T assure you, no one’s going to pick on me, I'm a big, strapping girlt I don’t daydream, and I do bit back. When I take Alfred hhome every night I guarantee you there’s no trouble. ‘Canot. You let Her take you home? Parsv. He doesn't let me. He doesn’t have anything to say about it, Every time I eave him alone somebody in this crazy city mugs him. Once T have bim safely mar- rie@— (Canot ond Kenny wince.) T won't let him out of my sight for five minutes. (Pinches ALFRED.) He's too cute to get beat up—by anyone but me. (Throws playful, but entirely masculine punch at AurRED. He smiles happily as it connects. Kenny exits.) ‘Manyonss. Aren't they adorable? Cano. (Quietly to Maxsoxre.) What did I tell you about him, buh? Didn't I predict? ‘Manyozse, I think he's very sweet, Canor. That’s a sure sign, You think they're al! sweet. Il be damned— (Louder.) if Pd let myself stand by and let a woman fight my battles for me. 18 LITTLE MURDERS act Patsy. (Hugging Canot from behind.) ‘They don't make frontier fighters like my father any more, ‘Manjoxtr. (Looks about.) Kenny! (Shakes head in ex esperation, Smiles seductively ot ALyazb.) Alfred, would ‘you mind giving me a band? (They exit.) anor. (Delighted.) Come on. Stop being silly. Cut it out, Parsv. (Plasjul, squeezing tighter.) Let's see how good ‘you are, tiger. Break my gripl Come on! (Momentary look of panic in Cazou’s eyes, Pansy releases shim. They Lough.) Canox. (Slaps her cheek playfully.) Who's my baby itl, ch? (Suddenly serious.) I wish you had as much Drains as you have brawn. ‘Patsy. You don’t like him, do you, Daddy? Canov. Don’t put words in miy mouth. Parsy, Then you do like bim? Canox. T want to know more about him before I make up my mind— Patsy. Not to like kim, : Canox, Don’t bully me, young lady. You know T don't like it when you bully me. ‘Patsy. You ove it when T bully you. ‘Canox. (Chuchles.) You're too dammed fast for the old man. (Slaps her check playfully.) But C know a thing or two. (Deadly serious.) Never settle fr less, Patsy, Daddy, I'm not? anor. Never sell yourself short. Patsy, Ob, Daddy, when have I ever— anor. The right man will come along. Parsy. Daddy, I'm twenty-seven, The right men all got married two years ago. They won’t get their first divorce for another five years end J just don’t have the time, the {nclination, or the kind of looks that can afford to wait. ner LITTLE MURDERS 0 CaxoL. I don't want to hear you knocking yourself. You've got ten people working under you! (Prowdly.) ‘You're five foot eight! Parey. After a while it doesn’t matter that you can do everything better than everyone else. I've been the best for years now, and all it comes down to is that I’m efficient, Canot. You don't know what you're talking about. You're very popular. Parsy. When they want a woman they can collapse ‘without shame in front of—they come to mie. ‘Canox. Why not? You're trusted! Patsy. Oh, to meet a mn who is ashamed to collapse in front of met Daddy, T get dizzy spells from being so strong; I get migraine from being so damnably depend- able. I'm tired of being Mother Earth! Alired’s the only man I know who isn’t waiting for me to save him, Don't ‘you know how that makes me feel? (Caxot shakes his head.) God help me, I've got to save him! (Embraces Caxor who Blissfully returns embrace. ALERED enters iencorking wine, surveys scene, Caxor dis- engages.) Manyorte, (Enters wheeling serving cart.) Come Aw? Git It! Alfred, may mother always used to say that to us children at mealtimes. I've always found it a charming family tradition. So T say, “Come An’ Git It” to our chil- dren. I dream of the day when I can bear Patsy say “Come An’ Git It” to her children, (To Ofstage.) Kenny! Didn't you hear me say “Come An’ Git It? Or do you need a Special invitation? Kenny. (Ofistage.) In a minute! Manyonrt. Not @ minute, young man! Right n: (To Avenen.) Tes so stuffy in here. Alfred, would you open the window like a good fellow? (Sound of TOILET FLUSH. Caxor rises.) No, I asked Alited, dear. (Runewy enters with paperback, posses Canon, who out- ‘paces ALwReD to window.) 20 LITTLE MURDERS acti Canon. (Struggling with window.) It’s all right, It's perfectly all right, (Gives up.) Son of a bitch! (To At- Yaz.) The son of a bitch refuses to open! (Atenep gives strong jerk. Window opens. TRAFFIC, CONSTRUCTION and AIRPLANE noise.) Manyontm, Thank you, Alfred, (To Canot.) You see, Thad my reasons, (Light film of SOOT wofts through window.) Cano. I loosened itt _ ft Ha ooed it Tha a ott (Comber Him self) ‘CanoL. (Slams window shut. To Kewwy.) Now you open it!” (Kenny arly dismisses him.) No, you're the smart one around here! Let's see you open itt ‘Manyonue. I spent the whole day cooking. Can't we eat now and open and close windows later? Canox. It wor't take a second. Well, young man, are you going to try or are you just going to sit back’ and Jaugh at the eamest efforts of your betters? (Kenny, ‘with arrogant mockery, rises, and in @ jey manner, tries and foils, 0 open window. Shrugs, smiles and ambles back 40 table. Avene and Cant follow. Axx sit.) You're not so smart now, are you? ‘Maxyoxts.’ Will someone please open the window? (Patsy Leaps up before Ateneo cans rise, strides to win- dow, Ricks of heels, jerks window open. NOISE ond DUST, Kew and CAnot bend over their soup, embar- assed. Parsx returns to table.) When Patsy lived at home Talways knew I had someone to do my heavy lifting for me. I was aiways too petite, (Parsy shrinks over her soup plate, All quietly ect.) You don’t know what a pleas- ure it is to have my family all together this way. (LIGHTS ficker, black out, as before. Sound of EAT ING.) Do you know that in'tast year's big power failure act 1 LITTLE MURDERS a some people stood in the subways, in total darkness, for as long as four hours without bringing their newspapers down from in front of their faces? (Long silence. EAT- ING sounds. Manyonts lights candles.) It would be nice if someone else, on occasion, would think of lighting the candles. Kenny, come back here. (Kenny, about to exit, returns caring paperback.) Vw the watchdog around here, Alfred, I can imagine what Patsy must have told you about me. Patsy. (Bored.) Must you, Mother? (They exchange long starcs, Mansoncn rises and xi ) Canon. (Up quickly.) Vm going to make myself an- other drink. ‘Kenny. Make me one, Parsv. Me too. AteReD. Scotch neat. (Canot, stops, stare at him. Goes over to dar, grinning. Ofisioge sound of TOILET FLUSH.) ‘Manyonme. (Enters carrying photogrophs.) T's gotten a Little chilly in here— (Kensv up before anyone com move. Slams down window. Canou, serves drinks. MaR- (youre frowns as ParSy accepts drixk.) That’s your second ight, isn't it? And T suppose you're still'smoking as muca? (Parsv salutes with glass, Drains it.) Drinks like a fish, Smokes like a chimney. (Patsy mocks cough spasm.) Tt’s the ones who think they're indestructible who do the most damage to themselves. Kenny, is that a new drink? (Kenavy olts drink. Mansonte shakes head, looks wearily at Canot. He bolis drink, scratches kis hand neroously. To AvenxD, with photographs.) You're a pho- tographer, Alfred, so T thought you'd be interested in see- ing these pictures of Patsy's dead brother, Steve (Pansy covers her jace with ker hands.) 2 LITTLE MURDERS act Ateneo, He looks very handsome in his swimsuit. ‘Manyomtz. He won five gold cups. He was four years older than Patsy. ‘Kenny. Seven years older then mel foht™ He los very handsome in his bascball wai- mm. ‘Maxyoute, He only pitched no-hitters. Auseen. (Handing back pictures.) ‘Thank.'you for letting me seo them, ‘Manyoxre. This one was teken after he came home from the war, a hero, ‘Atenso. He looks very handsome in his uniforra, What o these double bars signify? ‘Manyonrp, He was a captain. A hero, He bombed Tokyo. When bis country called on him to serve again he bombed Korea. A brilliant future in electronics, not an enemy in the world, whoever dreamed he'd be shot down in his tracks on the commer of 97th and Amsterdam Avenue. (Gathers pictures.) But T won't bore you with four tragedy. Patsy, (Explodes.) Damn it, Mother! Must I go through this every time I bring a man home to dinner? Qfaxjorm sobs, rushes of.) Patsy's done it agaiat Kaxwy. (Admiringly.) Boy, Id be killed if I ever talked like that. Canox. I don’t approve of your behavior, young lady. She worked long and hard and imaginatively over this Ginner. (Parsy puts cigarette in her mouth.) And she’s right about your smoking too much, God damn it! (Parsy tums to Canov, cigarette im riouth, waiting for Hight. He resists for a moment, then lights it.) Parsv. (In command.) Thank you, (Cano, scratches sis hand. Softly to Aurnso,) Vm sorry you had to be sub- jected to this, honey. (To Canor, daking his hand, Placating.) Aiffed knows all about Steve, Daddy. (Caro revives.) act LITTLE MURDERS 2B Aureep. They still don’t have any idea who did it? Cazot, That's olf right. ‘The boys down at Homicide have worked long and hard and imaginatively on this case. (With pride.) Many have become close, personal friends. (TOILET flushes. Manyonre enters, exes red, but smi ing. She is clutching a handkerchie!. Kany rises ond exits in her direction.) Manyorre, We can't disappoint our guest with only one helping. ‘Aurazo, No, thank you, Mrs, Newquist, I've had pleaty. Hi ‘PaTsy. (Ingratiating.) Tt was delicious, Mother! Canot. It was delicious! ‘Mansozte. Kenny! Where ate you? Kenny. (Ofstoge, mtufled.) Tt was delicious! Manyoee. (To Avruxp.) “A big man like you. Now, don’t just stand on politeness — Auzrep. No. I'm really quite full, thank you. ‘Maryorre. (To Patsy.) Well, then Tl have to turn to my best customer. ‘Patsy. I couldn’t eat another bite. It was delicious, anor. I couldn't eat another bite. It was delicious, Kennex, (Offstage, mufled.) ! couldn't cat another bite, It was delicous! “(Toilet “FLUSH. He enters, with Paperback.) 1 could tise another drink, though. (Detours ‘on his way back from bar to surreptitiously pick up Parsy's shoes in front of window. Tokes them to his seat. Cheon. (Rises) T thnk TU have another. (At Bor) Patsy? Parsx, (Rises,) Leave out the water this time, (Goer to bar.) AceneD, Scotch neat, ‘Manyonre. Well, i's a special occasion, Parsy. (Looks around.) Where the devil did 1 Teave my shoes? Fa LITTLE MURDERS act (Kenny looks away.) Mansoute, (Gathering photographs from table.) Ya better put these ina safe place before someone spills liquor on them, I'm sorry to have taken your time, Alited. Knowing you were a photographer I thought you'd be interested. (Waits for response. There is none.) Exactly ‘what sort of work do you do? Portraits? : ‘Atensp. No, Parsy, (Returns protectively. Honds Auraen drink.) Stop crossexamnining him, Mother. ‘Manyonta. I don't know why everything I do is wroug. Alfred, do you object to my asking you about your work? ‘Azrnen. It's not all that interesting, actually. Manyozie. You don't do portraits? ‘Ateaxp. No, ‘Maxjoxze. Do you do magazine photography? Aura, No. ary. Has somebody got a cigarette? Mansouiz. (To Parsv.) Must you? Can’t you give in to me just this once? (Canot sits, hands Parse cigarette Kenw¥ lights it, Barely is conirol, to AuyRep.) Adver- tising photography? ‘Acrmep, Well, [ used to. I don’t any more. Conor, Fashion photography? (Vudges Kenny.) Kenny, (Rolls eyes.) Woot Woo! (Carot and Kensy exchange joyful glances. Stife laughs.) Aurazp, It’s sort of complicated. Are you sure you want to hear? : eee Pansy. You may as well— Aurzzp, Well, I began as a commercial photographer— Parsy, He began as a painter. ‘Aurea. A very bad painter asx. Says you! Canon. For Christ sakes, will you let the boy finish! act LITTLE MURDERS 28 (Att, including Canox, surprised by the outburst.) ‘Aenen, I began as a commercial photographer— ‘Canot. What kind of commercial photographer? ‘Acrasd, —and was doing sort of well at it. Patsy. Sort of well! You should see his portfolio. He's had work in Holiday, Esquire, The New Yorker, Vogue— ‘Canox. Vogue! Kenavy, (Rolls eyes.) Woo! Woo! (He and Canow exchonge nudges, jovful glonces, Parsy glares. They subside.) Ausaso, Tes an overated busines, But ater a couple of years at it, things began to go wrong. I began losing ‘my people. Somebow I got my heads chopped off, Or out of focus. Or terrible expressions. on my models. Td have ‘them examining a client's product like this, (Expression of distaste.) The agencies begen to wonder if I didn’t have some editorial motive in mind. Well, of course, it wasn't true. But once they'd planted’ the fdea—T couldn’t help thinking of plene crashes every time I shot an airline ad, deaths on the highway every time I shot an automobile ad, and power failures—when I shot Con Edison ads, (LIGHTS go out.) ‘Maxyortz, T don’t mean to interrupt, dear. (Lights match and candles.) “How far better it isto ight a candle than curse the darkmess.” My mother told us that. Go on. Acree. Well, my career sufiered, But there was nothing could do about it. The harder I tried to straighten out the fuazier my people got and the clearer my objects. Soon my people disappeared entirely, I can’t tell you what bap- ened; they just somehow never came out, But the objects Twas shooting— (Snaps fingers.) brilliantly clear. (LIGHTS come back on.) So 1 began to do a lot of cata- Hogue work. (Manyorte blows out candles.) Pictures of 26 LITTLE MURDERS act 1 medical instruments, things like that, Boring, but it kept ‘me alive, There was—well—the best way to describe it is

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