MANY OF US LOVE WEDDINGS (By Chibuike Nkurumeh)

DIVORCE AT A GLANCE

Many of us love weddings. We often receive the invitation cards with joy, we peruse the lovely
designs with admiration and read amidst smiles, the wonderful captivating ‘toast’ often inscribed
in a heart-shaped space. Nowadays, wedding celebrations are held in elegant glamour, and the
couple often seem to be in a state of inestimable happiness,their faces radiant with beautiful
smiles and hearty laughs. They count themselves lucky to have tied the knot with their better
halves,in the presence of a sober minister and the amiable, cheering and supportive witnesses. It
is all nice, a day when love fills the air, a love that seems immalleable, unalloyed, sincere,
selfless, and even providential - like a divine and permanent filling of a vacuum in one’s soul.

However, the expectations of such ceremonies -’and they lived happily ever after’- seems to be a
cliché only obtainable in Cinderella tales. It is more surprising than disappointing to hear that
such unions which began with a spontaneous bliss failed- the intense joy turned into agonizing
grief and regret, the beautiful love into a callous hate, the adoring respect into a disgusting
contempt, the once exchanged glances of admiration into looks of cruel scorn, the soothing
fondness into painful discomfort, the desire to please and uphold into longings of cold
vengeance, the blissful moments of hearty interlocutions into malicious and hostile silence -
hence pushing the once well-acquianted couple into a state of perpetual estrangement, often
culminating in divorce.

This surprising turn of the tide is now commonplace and we often question its causes, perhaps in
an attempt to instigate a mediation. To this theme we now turn.

POSSIBLE CAUSES OF DIVORCE

Conflict is the chief cause of divorce. Conflicts often arise in marrriages and in relationships
generally. Any marriage devoid of conflict and/or disagreement of the slightest kind is an
embodiment of pretence, sycophancy, emotional slavery and tolerated parasitism. It is always at
the expense of the partner who decides to be the ‘fool’ (either willingly or compulsively) in order
that the marriage might work. But let us not digress.

Conflicts can arise in marriages through a number of factors ranging from infidelity to
dishonesty.

 Infidelity makes the innocent partner feel betrayed, hurt, rejected and inadequate. It gives
him/her a feeling of self-condemnation for not being able to satisfy the promiscuous
partner.
 Immaturity comes with an unwillingness to make and keep commitments, a tendency to
dominate, a strong indifference and insensitivity to the needs and interests of the other
 party, a self~centredness that insists upon the fulfilment of one’s own wishes and rights,
and a strong unwillingness to apologise and/or to forgive.
 Religious Differences sometimes lead to divorce. St Paul, in this case, advises that if the
unbelieving partner leaves, the believer is free to divorce. (I Cor. 7:15)
 Secrecy and Dishonesty: Some couples, during courtship, try as much to impress their
partners. Dark secrets are hidden in order not to appear substandard before the other
party. This is often done with the intention to entice, some with forced cordiality,
niceness and attention, others with reticence and deadly camouflage. Some of these
secrets, on exposure, often leave the partner’s soul riven with a sharp cut, with a resultant
wound too sore for time to heal.

Other possible causes of conflict in marriages include:

 Childlessness
 Individual differences and the resultant intolerance
 Communication gap
 Financial problems/responsibilities
 Unfulfilled sexual desires
 Gossip
 Inteference by third parties
 Insecurities
 Addictions to drugs and alcohol, etc .

PREVENTING DIVORCE

Yes! Divorce can be prevented. And it is always better to prevent problems than to solve
them. Some factors that lead to conflict in marriages can be kicked out on time. Some of
the preventive measures include:
 Openness and Sincerity: Some couples, perhaps due to selfish pride or in order
to avoid some imagined criticism and disapproval, hide some sensitive issues
from their partners. Openness and sincerity makes a relationship stronger and less
prone to conflict.
 Communication: Some couples do not communicate well and often. And this
happens when there is a rift in their friendship. They begin to ignore each other
and yet, would not be humble and mature enough to sit down like reasonable
adults to talk things over. They resort to silence, thinking it is the best way to
avoid further conflict and maintain peace. The only price one can pay for peace is
neither silence nor avoidance. It is honesty!
 Acceptance and Tolerance: Some couples resort to dishonesty, perhaps because
their partners would always give a sharp censure rather than approval. Some
persons, when not accepted for who they are and what they stand for, give
themselves a fake identity so as to gain the acceptance they need. Tolerance, on
the other hand, goes a long way in bringing out a person’s true inner self. A string
of chain is normally broken, and a freedom granted to such a soul, when the hand
of acceptance, tolerance and understanding is offered to it. It locks that soul
against pretence, fears and insecurities uncalled for.
REMEDIES
Resolution is often the prescribed antidote to conflict. However, resolution is only
possible when there is a longing to apologise, a desire to get reconciled, and a
willingness to forgive. But what happens when any or all of these three become
elusive?
We often see the affected persons part with obstinacy of self-will,with their minds
strongly intoxicated with the stubborn pride of a mad dog, their hearts tightly
closed against their offender (who might be repentant) as if theis hearts can be
likened unto the gate of heaven, the door that the Bridegroom shut against the five
foolish virgins.
The longing to apologise is ignited by remorse (a quality only found in empathetic
human beings) and a sincere contrition. Some individuals, for some reasons I do
not know, hardly feel remorseful when they offend someone, and hence, never
develop the longing to apologise. The ability to feel remorseful for something
wrong done and to apologise is a great strength in a character. It is a sign of
humanity, humility, maturity and simplicity of the mind. The inability to feel
remorseful and apologise is a great vice, an upshot of deep-rooted arrogant pride,
characteristic of brutes and vicious demons.
On the other hand, inexorable resentment is a malignant blot in a character, a
cancerous and fatal weakness, a sign of devilish cruelty, a lack of the beauty of
Jesus.
Forgiveness- the Ultimate.
The strongest tenet of love is not the fondness; it is neither the intimacy nor the
ability to make sacrifices(for sacrifices may be made with expectations); it is not
the exchange of glances nor the long and sweet talks; it is the ability to forgive
completely and live as if there was never an offense in the first place. The ability
to forgive is the greatest strength in a character; it is the emission of God’s
essence in man. To love is to forgive and to forgive is to love. Christ forgave
those that crucified him including the repentant thief beside him.
In his book, ‘Embodying Forgiveness’, L. Gregory Jones stated that it is a mistake
to think of Christian forgiveness as primarily as the absolution from guilt. He
wrote: “The purpose of forgiveness is the restoration of communion, the
reconciliation of brokenness… In its broadest sense, forgiveness is a way in
which God’s love moves to reconciliation in the face of sin.”
Forgiveness is the only grace that saves relationships. It is an act of liberation, it
heals the wounds that time cannot heal, and hence, paves way for growth and
uplifment.