What Makes for Successful Couples Therapy

The definition of success is what trips up most couples. Why does couples therapy
fail? Because for most couples, the definition of success in therapy is “how fast is
my partner changing in the ways I want them to change that bring me the most
relief?”

This is normal.

But that definition of success is why couples get stuck, stay stuck, and remain highly
distressed, lonely, and anguished.

We need to enlarge the definition of success. “Am I better than I was yesterday over
this problem or situation? Is my response better or an improvement than
yesterday, last week, or last month?” — and when you can say yes, and then your
partner can say yes, there is an improvement.

When you can learn that, you begin to work as a team.

Dr. Peter Pearson

As a therapist then you could say, depending on which is true, “I’m not sure you’re ready
to be a team”, or “you’re not yet ready to be a team. Guess what, neither of you are!
There’s too much resentment and mistrust. You’re not ready to pull together or trust the
other one will help and do their part. So it is going to take each of you starting to
recognize that you will have to confront that within yourself before we will get
anywhere.”

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 Self Soothe and Stop/Replay

Situation:

Linda said angrily to Terry, “You never do anything around the house!” Terry feels
hurt by what his partner just said. Instead of responding defensively, Terry goes
through the following steps.

Step 1: Self-Soothe

Terry first does a self-regulation technique. For example, he may put his hand on
his heart and breathe in for a count of 4 and breathe out for 7.* He repeats this 3
times.

Step 2: Request a stop replay

Terry says, "Can we do a stop/replay on what just happened?” If Terry’s partner is in

a relational state of mind, she may agree. If not she will suggest another time, for
example, “This is not a good time but I will check back with you tonight at 8 pm in
the living room.”

Step 3: Script what you would like to hear

If Terry’s partner said yes, Terry would then say what he would like to hear instead.
Terry could say, “Would you be willing to say this? ‘You do many things around the
house. I apologize I went to neverland. Thanks all you do for the family.’” Plan or
write what you’d like your partner to say to you instead of the original comment
that sparked your hurt feelings.

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Step 4: Partner does the replay

Terry's partner replies only with what Terry wants to hear. Terry will tell his partner
if a refinement is desired. Terry may desire different nonverbal gestures or other
words.

Step 5: Appreciation

Terry thanks his partner for joining him in the stop/replay. Extra limbic system
credit: To integrate this tool, ask your partner to repeat the desired phrase 3 times
while you tap on the outside edge of your hand – imagine the point of a karate
chop. Tapping there while listening to the replay will help to integrate into your
limbic system.

Adapted by Kelly Scharver from Pete Pearson’s Stop/Replay Exercise

*The full 4-7 breath self-regulation technique can be found here: “How to Reduce Stress and Anxiety With
a Simple, Yet Powerful, 33-Second Practice. (HeartFlow)” Here’s a Youtube video demonstrating the
technique: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhxz08mnx_o&t=135s.

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logo and copyright lines remain intact. For more information visit www.couplesinstitute.com. 2