Telltale Signs That Spooky Season

Is Here
By Kerry Elson
Source:
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/telltale-signs-that-spooky-season-is-here
September 29, 2023

Photograph from Getty

Aspider will descend from the ceiling on a single thread. His eyes are
red, but they are kind. Could he be your friend? (The answer is yes!
During spooky season, spiders will be excited to make plans.)

You’ll see werewolves in cozy, cable-knit sweaters huddling around a

campfire, laughing. When one werewolf closes his eyes and starts
singing “Thriller,” others join him, and soon each and every
werewolf’s voice is united in song.

A black cat will sit on a stoop in a newsboy cap, stirring pumpkin

soup in a cauldron. It’s an old cat-family recipe, and he’s making
enough for the whole neighborhood.
Under the light of a full moon, crows will hide behind sidewalk
garbage. They’re waiting to pop out and give you a free box of
Raisinets. Even if you don’t like Raisinets, in the spirit of the season,
accept the crows’ offer of Raisinets and say, “Good dandy candy
tidings to you and yours.” (That is a traditional spooky-season
greeting).

The spooky-season warbler will emerge. This bird is known for its
orange, brown, and yellow coloring and its distinct call, which
typically sounds like bones clattering around, in a fun way.

You’ll smell burning leaves, hot apple cider, and that pumpkin soup
the black cat in your neighborhood is cooking. He makes it every
Saturday around this time of year and starts serving it in bread bowls
at 11:30 A.M. Get there early because there’s usually a line.

Nothing says spooky season quite like a scarecrow holding an origami

snake that it made all by itself.

At dusk, you’ll see vampires spinning, spinning, spinning toward the

heavens, like ice dancers. When they’re done spinning, they’ll shape-
shift into mist, and then become buckets of kettle corn.
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In spooky season, ghosts actually stop saying, “Boo!” Instead, if you

listen closely, you’ll hear them saying, “Boop.”

As you wait in line for the neighborhood cat’s pumpkin soup, a bat,
holding a wooden spoon and a cloth napkin he brought from home,
will land on your shoulder. “Soup is on!” he’ll say, getting
comfortable. “Can’t wait to try this stew! Yum!” At first, you might
want to be, like, “Actually, I think the line ends back there,” but
instead you’ll allow the bat to stay. That is the spooky-season way.
Oak trees will cast long, wiggly shadows because they’re doing a
shoulder shimmy.

You’ll meet a band of witches in a cemetery who are playing with

bunnies. As you approach, they’ll hand you a sheet of parchment with
the news that Wayfair is having a thirty-per-cent-off sale—this
spooky season only!

The wait for the cat’s pumpkin soup will be a while. To pass the time,
the bat might put his napkin on the sidewalk like a beach towel and lie
down. He’ll look so peaceful that you’ll think, Maybe I should look
into bat adoption?

Skeletons will join hands for circle dances. Sometimes their palms
will become a bit damp as they hold hands, but you know what? It’s
spooky season, and it’s O.K.

Finally, you’ll get a cup of delicious soup. So will the bat. Then the
werewolves, the witches, the spider, and the vampires will arrive for
soup, too. The vampires will say, “We’d like some sooOOooOOooup,
please.” Because they said “sooOOooOOooup,” they’ll get free refills
of this nutty, slightly sweet concoction. In a spooky season twist—the
soup is also a little spicy!

During spooky season, someone in your building will decorate his

front door with bloody steak knives, slashed Teddy bears, and clowns
with advanced gingivitis. His neighbor will knock on his door and
say, “Excuse me, but I think you misunderstood—these items are
scary. It’s spooky season.” The man will say, “Oh, my God, what was
I thinking?” and take all that stuff down. ♦