Emotional Intellegence Traini

11/15/2021

BY; MS. REDIET DADI

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1. Introduction
It has been suggested that there are now well over 10,000 scholarly books, chapters and papers
on emotional intelligence. This is remarkable given that it has only been 21 years since the topic
first appeared under that name in the psychological literature. If you Google Amazon you will
find around 20 books with Emotional Intelligence in the title and three to five times that number
dealing with the concept in one form or another.
Now a days it’s important to know about what is emotional intelligence is and how to develop
the skills for the development of emotional intelligence for the effective living life in a different
sector life, but this module is highly focused on the work place emotional intelligence.

2. Importance of emotional Intelligence

As we know, it’s not the smartest people who are the most successful or the most fulfilled in life.
You probably know people who are academically brilliant and yet are socially inept and
unsuccessful at work or in their personal relationships. Intellectual ability or your intelligence
quotient (IQ) isn’t enough on its own to achieve success in life. Yes, your IQ can help you get
into college, but it’s your EQ that will help you manage the stress and emotions when facing
your final exams. IQ and EQ exist in tandem and are most effective when they build off one
another.

Your performance at school or work. High emotional intelligence can help you navigate the
social complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in your career. In fact,
when it comes to gauging important job candidates, many companies now rate emotional
intelligence as important as technical ability and employ EQ testing before hiring.

Your physical health. If you’re unable to manage your emotions, you are probably not
managing your stress either. This can lead to serious health problems. Uncontrolled stress raises
blood pressure, suppresses the immune system, increases the risk of heart attacks and strokes,
contributes to infertility, and speeds up the aging process. The first step to improving emotional
intelligence is to learn how to manage stress.

Your mental health. Uncontrolled emotions and stress can also impact your mental health,
making you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you are unable to understand, get
comfortable with, or manage your emotions, you’ll also struggle to form strong relationships.
This in turn can leave you feeling lonely and isolated and further exacerbate any mental health
problems.

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Your relationships. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’re better
able to express how you feel and understand how others are feeling. This allows you to
communicate more effectively and forge stronger relationships, both at work and in your
personal life.

Your social intelligence. Being in tune with your emotions serves a social purpose, connecting
you to other people and the world around you. Social intelligence enables you to recognize friend
from foe, measure another person’s interest in you, reduce stress, balance your nervous system
through social communication, and feel loved and happy.

3. Types of Emotional Intelligence

It’s the ability to perceive and manage the emotions of yourself and others. Of course, perceiving
and managing emotions are two completely different things, and so are your emotions versus
another’s. That’s why emotional intelligence is split up into five different categories: internal
motivation, self-regulation, self-awareness, empathy, and social awareness.

3.1. Internal Motivation

Internal motivation is the ability to make yourself work with little to no pressure from others.
Some sources of internal motivation include curiosity, a desire to fulfill your potential, and/or a
desire to see your vision come to life. If you’re highly internally motivated, you might want
rewards like money or praise, but they aren’t the driving force behind your behavior. This means
you have more control over your productivity, because your motivation is self-generated.

3.2. Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is the ability to remain calm in emotionally trying situations. While many factors
influence how you feel and may be beyond your control, if you’re highly self-regulated, you’re
good at controlling your reactions. You can make clear-headed decisions even if the world is
falling apart around you. Also, if you’re highly self-regulated, you can easily adapt, because the
discomfort that often comes from change won’t make you stumble. Self-regulation is a necessary
skill for people planning to go into jobs that are fast-paced and dangerous. For example, you
would want to be self-regulated as a firefighter. If you panicked you could hyperventilate and
pass out, endangering yourself and those you were trying to save.

3.3. Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to evaluate yourself socially and understand how your behavior is
being perceived by others. If you’re self-aware, you know how you’re feeling, how you’re
acting, and how you appear. You likely have a strong grasp on your own strengths and
weaknesses, which means that you know where and how you’ll be most useful. This knowledge
can make you a great leader because you have an understanding of what skills you may be
missing and therefore where and how you need others to apply their skills.

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Self-awareness can also help you train yourself to think about your emotions in a productive
way. It requires self-reflection and interpretation, so if you’re self-aware, when you get upset
you might start to think about why you feel as you do and find that the feeling is momentary,
misplaced, or a catalyst for positive action. Doing this allows you to think of your emotions as
part of a larger picture, so you don’t become consumed by them. Knowing the reasoning behind
your emotions can also give you a greater sense of control over them, improving self-efficacy.

3.4. Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand how others feel and put yourself “in someone else’s shoes.”
While no one can completely know for sure if they’re feeling what someone else is, If you’re
highly empathetic, you’re good at intuiting what their feelings might be. If you’re highly
empathetic, you’re also likely to feel pain when you see others in pain and pleasure when you
perceive others’ pleasure, allowing you to connect with others emotionally.

3.5. Social Awareness

Social awareness is the ability to pick up on social cues and communicate well with others. It
requires being quick on one’s feet in conversations. Socially aware people are often very good
listeners, who can easily figure out what’s important to the people they speak with. If you’re
socially aware, you’re also good at perceiving power structures and group dynamics and
appealing to the proper people. As such, social awareness is a powerful tool that can lead you
to fit in, thrive, and potentially become a powerful leader.

4. Self-Awareness (SA)

Self-awareness involves being aware of different aspects of the self-including traits, behaviors,
and feelings. Essentially, it is a psychological state in which oneself becomes the focus
of attention.

Self-awareness is one of the first components of the self-concept to emerge. While self-
awareness is something that is central to who you are, it is not something that you are acutely
focused on at every moment of every day. Instead, self-awareness becomes woven into the fabric
of who you are and emerges at different points depending on the situation and your personality.

People are not born completely self-aware. Yet research has also found that infants do have a
rudimentary sense of self-awareness.

Infants possess the awareness that they are a separate being from others, which is evidenced by
behaviors such as the rooting reflex in which an infant searches for a nipple when something
brushes against his or her face. Researchers have also found that even newborns are able to
differentiate between self- and non-self-touch.

4.1. Self-Awareness Emergence

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Studies have demonstrated that a more complex sense of the awareness of the self begins to
emerge at around one year of age and becomes much more developed by approximately 18
months of age. Researchers Lewis and Brooks-Gunn performed studies looking at how self-
awareness develops.2

The researchers applied a red dot to an infant's nose and then held the child up to a mirror.
Children who recognized themselves in the mirror would reach for their own noses rather than
the reflection in the mirror, which indicated that they had at least some level of self-awareness.
Lewis and Brooks-Gunn found that almost no children under one year of age would reach for
their own nose rather than the reflection in the mirror.

About 25% of the infants between 15 and 18 months reached for their own noses while about
70% of those between 21 and 24 months did so.

It is important to note that the Lewis and Brooks-Gunn study only indicates an infant's visual
self-awareness; children might actually possess other forms of self-awareness even at this early
point in life. For example, researchers Lewis, Sullivan, Stanger, and Weiss suggested
that expressing emotions involves self-awareness as well as an ability to think about oneself in
relation to other people.

4.2. Self-Awareness Development

Researchers have proposed that an area of the brain known as the anterior cingulate
cortex located in the frontal lobe region plays an important role in developing self-awareness.
Studies have also used brain imaging to show that this region becomes activated in adults who
are self-aware.3

The Lewis and Brooks-Gunn experiment suggests that self-awareness begins to emerge in
children around the age of 18 months, an age that coincides with the rapid growth of spindle cells
in the anterior cingulate cortex. However, one study found that a patient retained self-awareness
even with extensive damage to areas of the brain including the insula and the anterior cingulate
cortex.4

This suggests that these areas of the brain are not required for most aspects of self-awareness and
that awareness may instead arise from interactions distributed among brain networks.
Levels of Self-Awareness

So how exactly do children become aware of themselves as separate beings? Researchers suggest
that children progress through a series of levels of self-awareness between birth and
approximately age 4 or 5.Self-awareness is observed by how children respond to their own
reflection in a mirror.

4.3. Types of Self-Awareness

Psychologists often break self-awareness down into two different types, either public or private.

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4.3.1 Public Self-Awareness

This type emerges when people are aware of how they appear to others. Public self-awareness
often emerges in situations when people are at the center of attention, such as when giving a
presentation or talking to a group of friends.

This type of self-awareness often compels people to adhere to social norms. When we are aware
that we are being watched and evaluated, we often try to behave in ways that are socially
acceptable and desirable.

Public self-awareness can also lead to evaluation anxiety in which people become
distressed, anxious, or worried about how they are perceived by others.

4.3.2 Private Self-Awareness

This type happens when people become aware of some aspects of themselves, but only in a
private way. For example, seeing your face in the mirror is a type of private self-awareness.

Feeling your stomach lurch when you realize you forgot to study for an important test or feeling
your heart flutter when you see someone you are attracted to be also examples of private self-
awareness.

4.3.3 Self-Consciousness

Sometimes, people can become overly self-aware and veer into what is known as self-
consciousness. Have you ever felt like everyone was watching you, judging your actions, and
waiting to see what you will do next? This heightened state of self-awareness can leave you
feeling awkward and nervous in some instances.

In a lot of cases, these feelings of self-consciousness are only temporary and arise in situations
when we are "in the spotlight." For some people, however, excessive self-consciousness can
reflect a chronic condition such as social anxiety disorder.

People who are privately self-conscious have a higher level of private self-awareness, which can
be both a good and bad thing.

These people tend to be more aware of their feelings and beliefs, and are therefore more likely to
stick to their personal values. However, they are also more likely to suffer from negative health
consequences such as increased stress and anxiety.

People who are publicly self-conscious have a higher level of public self-awareness. They tend
to think more about how other people view them and are often concerned that other people might
be judging them based on their looks or their actions. As a result, these individuals tend to stick
to group norms and try to avoid situations in which they might look bad or feel embarrassed.

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A Word from Very well

Self-awareness plays a critical role in how we understand ourselves and how we relate to others
and the world. Being self-aware allows you to evaluate yourself in relation to others.

For people who have an extremely high sense of self-awareness, excessive self-consciousness
can result. If you feel that you are struggling with a self-consciousness that is having a negative
influence on your life, discuss your symptoms with your doctor to learn more about what you
can do to cope with these feelings.

5. Self-Regulation/ Managing Emotion (ME)

Emotions signal threats and rewards. Much like a compass that guides us in the right direction,
emotions have the power to guide us to the right actions.
For example, when a child commits a mistake, they might get scared and lie to their parents
about it, or avoid confronting them for fear of punishment.
Their parents may eventually discover what they did and the child, in all probability will end up
facing the same consequences that they were trying to avoid. In this instance, listening and
responding to the ‘fear’ emotion proved futile to the child.
However, the same emotion (fear) would have proven helpful for someone being chased by a
wild animal in the forest. In that situation, running to avoid confronting the savage beast would
have been the correct decision.
It is therefore crucial to judge when to trust emotional triggers and act on them, and when not to;
in other words, it is essential for us to understand how to regulate or control our emotions so we
could use them optimally.
“Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they
have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings. Emotional
regulation can be automatic or controlled, conscious or unconscious, and may have effects at one
or more points in the emotion producing process.”(Gross, 1998, p. 275).
The definition of emotional regulation encompasses both positive and negative feelings, along
with how we can strengthen them, use them, and control them.
Emotional regulation involves three components:
 Initiating actions triggered by emotions.
 Inhibiting actions triggered by emotions.
 Modulating responses triggered by emotions.

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Ideally, the third component is the best way to make the most of the regulatory processes.
Every day, we face hundreds of emotion-provoking stimuli, and most of them require some
action or response from our end. It is only natural for the mind to get hooked into some negative
contemplation or unmindfully ignore emotions after getting bombarded with so many stimuli
every day (Davidson, 1998).
Emotional regulation acts as a modifier; it helps us filter the most important pieces of
information and motivates us to attend to it in a way that wouldn’t evoke stress or fear.
Studies on emotional regulation indicate that there is a significant positive correlation between
emotion regulation and depression management. People with lower levels of anxiety show higher
emotional control and social-emotional intelligence.
Research indicates that emotions are adaptive responses that have a deep-rooted basis in
evolutionary biology (Levenson, 1999). The way we feel and interpret those affects how we
think, how we decide, and how we coordinate our actions in day-to-day lives.
For example, a person who has poor emotion regulation strategies is more likely to fall prey to
mood polarities; their actions and behavioral patterns would always be at the mercy of their
emotions.
Quite the contrary, a well-regulated person, will have a better balance and judgment of their
feelings and actions. Emotional regulation allows us to carefully judge which affective outcomes
to embrace and which ones to avoid (Wegner, Erber, & Zanakos, 1993).
When we confront a provoking stimulus, the natural reaction of the brain is to activate the
amygdala, a brain site that regulates the fight-or-flight responses (Lee, 2018; Van der Kolk,
1994). Emotional regulation processes allow us to buy time before we act on the fight or flight
triggers.
Kris Lee, a Professor and the author of the book Mentalligence: A New Psychology of Thinking–
Learn What It Takes to be More Agile, Mindful, and Connected in Today’s World says that with
emotional regulation, we can allow the initial upsurge of emotions to settle down and zoom out
of the situation before reacting to it.
The increased time gap between stimulus and response restores the mental faculties that involve
rational thinking and reasoning. As a result, we can save ourselves from sudden emotional
breakdowns or burnout.

5.1. Most Useful Emotional Regulation Skills for Adults

Self-regulation is all about pausing between feeling and reactions – it encourages us to slow
down for a bit and act after objectively evaluating a situation. For example, a student who yells
at others and hits their friends for petty reasons surely has less emotional control than a child
who, before hitting or yelling, tells the teacher about their problems.

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Another huge aspect of emotional regulation is value engagement. When we react impulsively
without paying much attention to what is going on inside, we might often deviate from our core
values and act in a way that is opposite to them. With proper regulation and self-control, we gain
the power to stay calm under pressure and prevent ourselves from acting against our core values
and ethics.
Here are some skills that can help in cultivating emotional regulation and sustaining it during
challenging times in life.

5.1.1. Self-awareness
Noticing what we feel and naming it is a great step toward emotional regulation. For example,
when you feel bad, ask yourself – Am I feeling sad, hopeless, ashamed, or anxious?
Give yourself some options and explore your feelings. Try to name the specific emotions that
you can feel intensely within yourself at that very moment, and write it down if you want. You
need not act or judge the cause and effect of your emotions at this stage; all you need is complete
awareness of each feeling that is controlling your mind ‘right now.’

5.1.2 Mindful awareness

In addition to gaining thought awareness, mindfulness lets us explore and identify all aspects of
the external world, including our body. Simple mindful exercises such as breath control or
sensory relaxation can calm the storm inside and guide our actions in the right way.

5.1.3. Cognitive reappraisal

Cog5nitive reappraisal includes altering the way we think. It is an essential component of
psychotherapies like CBT, DBT, and Anger Management, and calls for greater acceptance and
flexibility.
Cognitive reappraisal skills may include practices such as thought replacement or situational role
reversals, where we try to look into a stressful situation from a whole new perspective.
For example, we can replace thoughts like ‘My boss hates me’, ‘I am no longer needed here’,
etc. with alternatives such as, ‘My boss is upset at this moment, I am sure I can make up for this’,
or ‘I know I am hard working and honest, let me give it another try’, etc.. By doing so, we gain a
broader and better perception of our problems and react to them with more positivity.

5.1.4. Adaptability

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Emotional deregulation lowers our adaptability to life changes. We become more prone to
distractions and fail our coping mechanisms, which is why we often start resisting changes. A
great exercise to build adaptability is objective evaluation.
For example, when you feel bogged down by stressful emotions that you want to avoid, and you
might end up destructively reacting to them, take a moment to think what if your best friend was
experiencing the same thing? What would you have suggested they do under these
circumstances? Write your answers if you want to and try to think if you are following the same
steps for yourself!

5.1.5. Self-compassion
Setting aside some time for ourselves every day is a great way to build emotional regulation
skills. Reminding ourselves of our talents and virtues, and letting our minds land on a flexible
space can immensely change the way we feel and react to our emotions.
Some simple self-compassion hacks involve:
 Daily positive self-affirmations
 Relaxation and breath control
 Compassion meditation
 Regular self-care
 Gratitude journaling

5.1.6. Emotional support

Psychologists believe that we all have the innate capacity to build a robust emotional repertoire
and save our mental energy from getting invested in negativity. We can seek emotional support
within ourselves by practicing mindful self-awareness or can seek help outside by engaging in
positive communication with others.
It is okay to see a therapist or professional when our inner coping fails; the sole focus is to create
a positive emotional shield that can channelize our emotions to bring out the best in us.

5.2. Science-Based Emotion Regulation Strategies

Literary resources on emotional regulation have provided a myriad of solutions for emotional
dysregulation. While all the self-regulation strategies are undoubtedly useful and practical, the
problem arises when we have to choose the best plan for us (Gross, 2015; Ochsner, Silvers, &
Buhle, 2012).

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Most scientific research on emotional regulation focus on either a particular age group that could
benefit from the strategy, or a specific situation in which it works the best (Webb, Miles, &
Sheeran, 2012). Little is said about the scientific methods that we could use for taming our
feelings at all times.
Recent studies, however, have shed some light in this regard. Researchers nowadays agree that
emotion regulation should not be constrained to a time frame or a group of individuals under a
specific circumstance, and have proposed a few scientific strategies that could guide us at all
times (Aldao, 2013; Gross, 2015).

5.2.1. Reappraisal
Reappraisal or cognitive reappraisal ensures long-term well-being and offers a permanent
solution to emotional distress. Through re-evaluation, we do not aim to suppress or eliminate the
negative emotions that cause pain forcefully, instead, we look for better ways of dealing with it
(Davis, Senghas, Brandt, & Ochsner, 2010).
In addition to finding appropriate and positive substitutes of the problems, cognitive reappraisal
also shifts our focus from the distress and reduces the impact of the negative emotion for a while
(Troy, Shallcross, & Mauss, 2013).

5.2.2. Self-soothing
Self-soothing, in any form, can reduce the toxic effects of anger, sadness, and agony that
negative experiences bring (Heiy & Cheavens, 2014). Scientists believe that self-soothing, as
opposed to self-confrontation, guarantees better and quicker answers when it comes to managing
thoughts and emotions.
We can practice several variations of self-soothing exercises, including:
Self-compassion and loving-kindness meditation.
Music meditation, where we set aside some minutes to listen to music and unwind ourselves with
the relaxing sound.
Reminiscence therapy, which works great for resolving emotional conflicts involving other
people. The practice involves merely sitting and trying to recollect all the good memories we
have once had with the person we are now struggling with.
Breathing exercises, including breath control, breathe counting, and simple breath relaxation.
Simple self-care such as a hot bath, a relaxing massage, cooking for yourself, etc.

5.2.3. Attentional control

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Attentional control starts with reappraisal. It aims to divert our attention away from the negative
emotion and allows us to look at it from a rewarding perspective.
For example, we can overpower the irresistible anger and shame that follows an insult or abuse
from someone, by thinking of it as a lesson that taught you to avoid building connections with
rude people.
By focusing more on what you learned from the conflict, you not only save yourself from the
severe stress and agony, but you also gain a perspective of how you can avoid such interpersonal
disputes later. As a result, you are successful in modulating your responses to the negative
encounter and restoring your mental peace altogether (Gross & John, 2003).

5.3. Emotional Regulation Activities & Exercises

5.3.1. Breathing exercises for emotional regulation
Three main breathing exercises help in modulating emotions:
A, Breathe Counting – Where we sit calmly for a few seconds and slowly start counting. For
example, you can count 5 to inhale and 7 to exhale. The goal of this exercise is to focus on our
breathing and follow the counting as we inhale and exhale.
B, Breathe Shifting – Here we place one hand on our chest and the other hand on our abdomen
and notice how they rise and fall with each inhales and exhales. By doing so, we aim to see the
difference between the chest and belly movement during breathing, and it helps in regaining
focus into our bodies.
C, Breath Relaxation – Breath relaxation is the most basic breathing exercise and practically
works well for any stress, anxiety, or emotional disorder. The practice is to sit back and take
deep breaths with eyes closed, and continue doing so until we can feel the connection between
our mind and body, and realize the stress and negativity are fading away with the deep breaths.

5.3.2. Exercise for emotional catharsis

The most significant problem of emotional deregulation disorder is the inability to let go of
emotions. Even after realizing the inappropriateness of irrational thoughts, they find it hard to
eliminate them from the mind (Singer et al., 2012). Through emotional catharsis, which is a way
of venting out the suppressed emotions, we can achieve the mental balance that we often seek.
The practice is simple and involves five easy steps:
 Observing emotions as they are, without trying to change them at the first instance.
 Trying to evaluate the experience and feelings that come with a particular emotion.

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  Acknowledging the fact that we are not our emotions. For example, if we are feeling sad,
it doesn’t have to mean that we are depressed individuals. Emotions are just a state of
mind; they come and go.
 Naming the emotions aloud or writing them the way you feel it.
 Talking about them to a friend, family, or therapist, without being afraid of judgment.

5.3.3. Mindfulness for emotions

We know that mindfulness is the art of living in the present moment. Practicing mindfulness
helps us gaining awareness of our mind, body, and feelings. It builds a secure connection to the
present and allows us to look at our thoughts and feelings from an objective and neutral
perspective.
There are two types of mindfulness exercises that help in emotional regulation:
The ‘Acknowledgment’ Exercises – including careful observation, naming thoughts, and labeling
emotions.
The ‘Implementation’ Exercises – including practices of thinking non-judgmentally, active and
empathetic listening, effective communication, and self-expression.

5.3.4. Self-awareness techniques

Self-awareness, for the most of it, is a counterpart of mindfulness and is tied in with recognizing
one’s own emotions and the ways they affect us.
A great way to manage unhealthy emotions through self-awareness is the thought naming
exercise, where we make a list of all the thoughts that are dominating our mind this very
moment, the people or circumstances that we think may be causing them, and name the emotions
in one or two words.

6. Self-Motivation
Most self-motivation definitions consider how you can find the ability to do what needs to be
done without influence from other people or situations. Self-motivation is encouraging yourself
to continue making progress toward a goal even when it feels challenging. It’s turning
your shoulds into musts.

Think of some of the most successful people you know. Are they the smartest people you’ve
ever met? The wealthiest? Chances are, they’re not – but they are the most motivated to
succeed. As Tony Robbins says, “The one common denominator of all successful people is their
hunger to push through their fears.” When you have enough hunger, you can easily learn how to
self-motivate to meet the goals you’ve set your mind and focus on.

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6.1. What is self-motivation essential?

The ability to self-motivate is the only sure-fire way to achieve your goals and get everything
you want in life. You won’t always have parents, teachers or bosses to direct your energy or
provide external motivations. You need to cultivate and draw on inner strength – a deep
confidence in yourself that is completely unaffected by outside events and experiences. When
you have this type of belief in yourself, you’ll be unstoppable.

Self-motivation is also essential to finding a fulfilling career – and to acing job interviews. The
question “Are you self-motivated?” often comes up during the interview process, and it’s not
always easy to answer. Employers ask this to see if you’re a good culture fit and if you’ll be
enthusiastic about the work you’ll be doing. To be prepared, think of a few examples: times that
you felt especially motivated about your work or when you set a big goal and achieved it
with self-motivation. You’ll demonstrate your passion and make a connection with the
interviewer.

6.2. What drives self-Motivation?

So, why do so many people find themselves lacking motivation? The truth is that self-motivation
techniques all come down to your psychology. First, you have to clearly know what it is you
want. Why do you want to improve your connection with your partner? Is it so you can deepen
the trust and love between you, ultimately creating a healthy relationship and long-lasting bond?
Think of the reason why you want to succeed and turn to this when things seem tough and you
need help with self-motivation.

Then, you need to assess the emotion and meaning you’re attaching to your successes and
failures.

When you face a setback, do you tell yourself you’re not good enough to succeed? If so, it’s time
to seriously change your psychology. To truly answer the question “What is self-
motivation?,” you need to be in the mindset that you’re already motivated. When it’s time to
self-motivate, think of the positive state you want to be in to get things done. How does your
body feel when you’re motivated? Where are your energy levels? What messages are you
conveying with your body language?

By tapping into the positive state that you associate with self-motivation, you’ll be able to self-
motivate more easily and often.

6.3. 13 SELF-MOTIVATION TECHNIQUES FOR REACHING YOUR GOALS

6.3.1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE

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Self-motivation is often difficult because it comes from you. If you don’t take care of the
underlying issues that keep you from making progress, you can fall back on blaming others for
your failure. In some cases, you can rely on external factors and friends for motivation, but at the
end of the day, you’re the one who has to put in the work. You’re the one who must take charge
of your life.

6.3.2.) FIND YOUR WHY

Tony often says that, “People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals – that is, goals that
do not inspire them.” Before you can learn how to self-motivate, you need to find your why. You
need a compelling purpose that goes beyond material things or climbing the career
ladder. Why do you want to build a business? It likely goes back to the ability to do what you
want, when you want and with whom you want – the true definition of success. Connect your
goals back to your purpose and you’ll never lack self-motivation.

6.3.3. REEVALUATE YOUR GOALS

Tony also says, “At any moment, the decision you make can change the course of your life
forever.” If you’re focused on your vision and purpose, but you’re still not feeling inspired, you
may need to make a decision to go in a new direction. In other words, if your why isn’t
motivating you, then you may need a new why. Reevaluate your blueprint for your life and don’t
hesitate to create new goals. As long as you’re making progress, you’re ahead of everyone who
isn’t making an effort.

6.3.4. CREATE EMPOWERING BELIEFS

The only limitations in our lives are the ones we put on ourselves. If you don’t have enough self-
motivation, it comes down to one reason: you don’t see yourself as a self-motivated person.
Change your negative beliefs into positive ones by conditioning your mind
and creating empowering beliefs. Catch yourself when you think negatively about yourself and
transform that self-talk so that it motivates you instead of holding you back.

6.3.5. LEARN BETTER TIME MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES

Sometimes the key to self-motivation is having the necessary time-management tools and
strategies under your belt. How are you managing your time? Find ways to stop procrastinating
and start making progress, like chunking, the Rapid Planning MethodTM and N.E.T. time (No
Extra Time time).

6.3.6. CREATE A MASSIVE ACTION PLAN

Self-motivation techniques can be as straightforward as creating a massive action plan: writing

down what it is you want, identifying your purpose behind it and creating a series of steps to help

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you reach your goal. Once you have your plan documented, you can refer to this for additional
motivation when things get challenging along the way.

6.3.7. LOOK TO THE SUCCESS OF OTHERS

Turning to inspirational quotes for motivation or looking toward a mentor for advice can help
you on your path to success. Read more about famous role models or leaders you look up to and
see how they utilize self-motivation. You may be able to pick up some techniques or gain some
inspiration as you read about their strategies and struggles.

6.3.8. USE THE POWER OF MUSIC

Our brains are hardwired to respond to music. Tapping into the types of beats and rhythms that
boost your mood and energy levels is a great way to get yourself out of a slump and more
focused on the task at hand? Always have a pair of earbuds and your favorite playlist nearby so
you can harness the power of music when you need a jolt of self-motivation.9) SCHEDULE
OUTDOORS TIME

Even the most energized people will eventually get run down if they spend too much time in
cramped spaces with artificial light. When learning how to self-motivate to reach your goals,
don’t make the mistake of burning the midnight oil and staying confined to your office. Getting
outside and spending time in nature every day is a perfect way to take a break, boost energy and
replenish your self-motivation.

6.3.10. BANISH MULTITASKING

You may think that working on three projects at the same time is the best way to get things done
and that your self-motivation will soar when you can simultaneously check multiple to-dos off
your list. You’re wrong. Multi-tasking diminishes focus, and as Tony says, where focus goes,
energy flows. Select the most important task you need to work on and concentrate solely on that
until you’ve accomplished what you need to, then move on to the next one.

6.3.11. GET MOVING

Self-motivation becomes much easier when you’re already in motion. It doesn’t matter whether
you are figuring out how to self-motivate toward working out, tackling your tasks at work or
preparing for that big presentation; the more you move, the more energy you will have.
Movement doesn’t have to be limited to the gym. You can easily incorporate movement
throughout your day by taking the stairs, walking around your home while on the phone or
incorporating these desk exercises into your day.

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6.3.12. VISUALIZE YOUR SELF-MOTIVATION

Having trouble taking those first steps toward a goal? Visualize yourself as already active in that
part of your life, when the goal is achieved. Use this priming exercise first thing in the morning:
When you do this, you bridge that gap from inaction to action just by priming yourself for
success.

6.3.13. FOCUS ON GRATITUDE

It can be very difficult to learn how to self-motivate when you get caught up in negativity. Focus
on gratitude and adopt an abundance mindset. Be thankful for all the good things in your life and
steer your focus from all the things you wish you had. Stop comparing yourself to others and
understand that life is happening for you, not to you. The more you look at everything good in
your life, the more of it you will attract and the easier it will be to self-motivate to attract even
more.

7. Empathy
Empathy is the ability to experience and relate to the thoughts, emotions or experience of others.
Empathy is more than simple sympathy, which is being able to understand and support others
with compassion or sensitivity.

Simply put, empathy is the ability to step into someone else’s shoes, be aware of their feelings
and understand their needs.

In the workplace, empathy can show a deep respect for co-workers and show that you care, as
opposed to just going by rules and regulations. An empathic leadership style can make everyone
feel like a team and increase productivity, morale and loyalty. Empathy is a powerful tool in the
leadership belt of a well-liked and respected executive.

We could all take a lesson from nurses about being empathetic. Time and again, nurses rate as
the most trusted profession. Why? Because they use proper empathy to make patients feel cared
for and safe.

They do not completely understand what it is they actually do that makes others see them as
empathetic. They can only express that they:
 Like people.
 Enjoy working with and helping others.
 Value people as individuals.
In order to facilitate a deeper understanding of the importance of empathy in the workplace,

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7.1. Reasons Which Highlight the Importance of Empathy in Workplace

 Your Employees Will Become Loyal

One of the most common reasons employees leave a workplace is because of a lack of trust and
appreciation from their reporting managers. In such scenarios, having leaders who can exhibit
empathy in team management can be helpful. They can build a trusting bond with their team and
ensure they feel valued and cared for. Employees who feel they are heard, appreciated, and cared
about are more likely to stay with the company.

 Your Employees Will Be More Engaged

 Your Employees Will Work Better As A Team
 Employees Will Feel Happy
 Employees Will Become Creative

7.2. The Three Kinds of Empathy: Emotional, Cognitive, and Compassionate

7.2.1. Cognitive Empathy

Cognitive empathy definition: “Simply knowing how the other person feels and what they
might be thinking. Sometimes called perspective-taking” ~Daniel Goleman, renowned
psychologist and author of the 1995 book Emotional Intelligence.

What it’s concerned with: Thought, understanding, intellect.

Benefits: Helps in negotiations, motivating other people, understanding diverse viewpoints, and
is ideal for virtual meetings.

Pitfalls: Can be disconnected from or ignore deep emotions; doesn’t put you in another’s shoes
in a felt sense.

Cognitive Empathy is about thought as much as emotion. It is defined by knowing,

understanding, or comprehending on an intellectual level. As most of us know, to understand
sadness is not the same thing as feeling sad.

I suspect that if I came home upset about losing a job, my partner would respond this way. In the
same way that a doctor can look at a sick patient and try to understand the parts of the illness
rather than dive into the patient’s emotions—cognitive empathy responds to a problem with
brainpower. An engineer turns his brain into high gear in stressful situations. You could say it’s
the way some people are wired, to understand emotions in terms of why they make sense for
humans in certain situations.

This type of empathy can be a huge asset in circumstances where you need to “get inside another
person’s head” or interact with tact and understanding. We talk about using cognitive empathy as
a leader in our blog “Emotional Intelligence and Empathy in Leadership.” On the other hand,

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cognitive empathy is in some ways like mixing apples and oranges. To truly understand another
person’s feelings, don’t you in some sense have to be able to feel them yourself? Therefore,
those who respond with Cognitive Empathy can risk seeming cold or too detached.

7.2.2. Emotional empathy

Emotional empathy definition: “when you feel physically along with the other person, as
though their emotions were contagious.” ~Daniel Goleman

What it’s concerned with: feelings, physical sensation, mirror neurons in the brain.

Benefits: Helps in close interpersonal relationships and careers like coaching, marketing,
management and HR.

Pitfalls: Can be overwhelming, or inappropriate in certain circumstances.

Emotional Empathy, just like is sounds, involves directly feeling the emotions that another
person is feeling. You’ve probably heard of the term “empath,” meaning a person with the ability
to fully take on the emotional and mental state of another. The quote that comes to mind is: “I
have a lot of feelings.”

This type of response might seem disconnected from the brain and thinking, but as Goldman
points out, emotional empathy is actually deeply rooted in a human’s mirror neurons. All animals
have neurons that fire in a certain way when they see another animal acting, making them relate
to that action in their own body and brain. Emotional empathy does exactly that with the feelings
someone experiences in reaction to a situation.

When your partner—or anyone you deeply love—comes to you in tears, it’s a natural response to
feel that pull on your heartstrings. Like crying at a wedding or cringing when someone stubs
their toe, it’s a deep-seated, gut reaction that often feels like a visceral human response.
Connecting with another human in this way is intimate and can form a strong bond.

Like Cognitive Empathy, Emotional Empathy has its flip-side. “One downside of emotional
empathy occurs when people lack the ability to manage their own distressing emotions,” writes
Goleman. “[This] can be seen in the psychological exhaustion that leads to burnout.” Feeling too
much can make even small interactions overwhelming.

7.2.3. Compassionate Empathy

Empathy definition: “With this kind of empathy we not only understand a person’s predicament
and feel with them, but are spontaneously moved to help, if needed.” ~Daniel Goleman

What it’s concerned with: Intellect, emotion, and action.

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Benefits: Considers the whole person.

Pitfalls: Few—this is the type of empathy that we’re usually striving for!

The majority of the time, Compassionate Empathy is ideal. Cognitive Empathy may be fitting for
the workplace, monetary negotiations or surgeon’s offices; Emotional Empathy may be the first
response with children and for our loved ones; Compassionate Empathy strikes a powerful
balance of the two. In fact, it could even be used today for your teen doing hours of schoolwork
online and feeling overwhelmed stuck at home with a pandemic.

Feelings of the heart and thoughts of the brain are not opposites. In fact, they’re intricately
connected.

Compassionate Empathy honors the natural connection by considering both the felt senses
and intellectual situation of another person without losing your center.

When your loved one comes to you in tears, you want to understand why she is upset and you
also want to provide comfort by sharing in her emotional experience and hopefully helping her
heal. It’s a lot to handle!

Many of us skew to one side or the other: more thinking or more feeling; more fixing or more
commiserating.

Compassionate Empathy is taking the middle ground and using your emotional intelligence
to effectively respond to the situation with loving detachment. We don't get sucked in and
take on the person's burden or feeling. We balance mindfulness with compassionate caring and
could be considered compassion when expressed genuinely.

Does your partner just need to be held? Does the situation call for quick action? Without either
becoming overwhelmed by sadness or trying to fix things with logistics, compassion brings a
mindful touch to tough situations.

The above three types of empathy are defined as foundational. You may hear other names,
references, and uses of empathy, such as, affective empathy (another way of identifying
emotional empathy), somatic empathy (when we physically feel in our bodies others'
experience), evaluative empathy, and perceptual empathy. Typically, these are unnecessary
variances for most people and everyday use so we have not included them in this blog.

7.3. Skills to develop empathy skill

The research shows that empathy is partly innate and partly learned. Everyone can improve,
however. Here are eight ways to strengthen your own empathy:

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1. Challenge yourself. Undertake challenging experiences which push you outside your comfort
zone. Learn a new skill, for example, such as a musical instrument, hobby, or foreign language.
Develop a new professional competency. Doing things like this will humble you, and humility is
a key enabler of empathy.
2. Get out of your usual environment. Travel, especially to new places and cultures. It gives
you a better appreciation for others.
3. Get feedback. Ask for feedback about your relationship skills (e.g., listening) from family,
friends, and colleagues—and then check in with them periodically to see how you’re doing.
4. Explore the heart not just the head. Read literature that explores personal relationships and
emotions. This has been shown to improve the empathy of young doctors.
5. Walk in others’ shoes. Talk to others about what it is like to walk in their shoes—about their
issues and concerns and how they perceived experiences you both shared.
6. Examine your biases. We all have hidden (and sometimes not-so-hidden) biases that interfere
with our ability to listen and empathize. These are often centered on visible factors such as age,
race, and gender. Don’t think you have any biases? Think again—we all do.
7. Cultivate your sense of curiosity. What can you learn from a very young colleague who is
“inexperienced?” What can you learn from a client you view as “narrow”? Curious people ask
lots of questions (point 8), leading them to develop a stronger understanding of the people
around them.
8. Ask better questions. Bring three or four thoughtful, even provocative questions to every
conversation you have with clients or colleagues.

8. Emotional Skill and how to develop

8.1. What are Emotional Intelligence Skills?

According to the APA dictionary of psychology, Emotional Intelligence is

“a type of intelligence that involves the ability to process emotional information and
use it in reasoning and other cognitive activities”

(Dictionary.APA.org, 2018).

It’s clear from this definition that EI is relevant in both our professional and personal
relationships, as well as the relationships we have with ourselves. We’ll soon look at
the dynamics of how, when it comes to interpersonal skills, EI plays a big role.

The term was coined by two American Psychologists, John Mayer and Peter Salovey
in 1997, and from their definition, we can get a great idea of what Emotional
Intelligence skills are all about:

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“The emotionally intelligent person is skilled in four areas: identifying emotions,
using emotions, understanding emotions, and regulating emotions.”

Of course, it’s academia, so the idea is constantly being worked on and expanded
as more and more research is carried out. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t already
quite broad agreement on how Emotional Intelligence works in our everyday lives
(Schutte et al., 2011):

 EI helps us manage our emotions – by allowing us to dismiss, ignore, or

regulate our unproductive emotions in instances where they’re just not
instrumental. For example, there’s little value in yelling at a bus driver because
your commute has been slowed down by bad traffic;

 Our EI abilities are what allow us to notice and understand how others are
feeling. They play a big role in defining who we are by shaping our
relationships with others around us; and

 Our Emotional Intelligence skills are believed to be huge contributors to our

overall success in life, due to their influence on our ability to self-manage and
motivate.

8.2. Emotional Intelligence Theories

Four branch model of EI

Mayer and Salovey’s Four Branch Model of Emotional Intelligence is a helpful way
to visualize the different Emotional Intelligence Skills we looked at earlier (Mayer &
Salovey, 1997; Salovey & Grewal, 2005). The two psychologists are credited with
coming up with the term ‘Emotional Intelligence’ before the concept was extended by
other researchers and later came to mainstream popularity.

The Four Branch Model simply premises that Emotional Intelligence Skills come
under four categories, as shown below. These are Perceiving Emotions, Facilitating
Thought Using Emotions, Understanding Emotions, and Managing Emotions.

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 Source: Fiori & Vesely Maillefer, 2018

A, Perceiving emotions is about being aware of and sensitive to others’ emotions. In

other words, it’s about the ability to accurately identify emotions (yours and others)
by detecting and decoding emotional signals. This can be in others’ faces, voices, or
even in pictures (Papadogiannis et al., 2009).

B, Facilitating thought using emotions takes place once we detect and identify
emotions. Facilitating thought using emotions relates to analyzing and registering this
‘emotional information’. Then, incorporating it into our higher-level cognitive
functions for enhanced decision-making, rationalizing, problem-solving, and
consideration of others’ perspectives (Mayer & Salovey, 1997; Mayer et al., 2002).

C, Understanding emotions is about being able to understand how different emotions

relate to one another, how they can change based on the situations we encounter, and
how our feelings alter over time (Papadogiannis et al., 2009).

Being able to predict how someone’s emotions are changing through their facial
expressions, their tone of voice, and so forth, means you’ve probably got strong

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emotional management skills. This is great—the ability to understand emotions is
very much linked to successful communication.

D, managing emotions is the Emotional Intelligence skill that relates to handling your
own and others’ emotions effectively. Typically, emotional management and
understanding are considered higher-level skills, as they rely on the first two
(Perceiving Emotions and Facilitating Thought) to work effectively. Thinking about
the workplace, it’s easy to see how managing your own (and others) emotions might
make life easier when facing a stressful deadline.

8.3. How to develop Emotional Intelligence Skills

Practice makes perfect, and when it comes to developing your EI skills, all of the
following 4 exercises are most effective when practiced regularly.

8.3.1. Work on your self-awareness

Mindfulness is key with this exercise, which is surprisingly easy. Start by simply
taking a little time out to think about your reactions to daily events. A few quiet
moments at the end of the day are perfect for reflecting on what happened to you and
how you felt.

8.3.2. Reframe your perceptions of self-management

Executive coach Roger Reece advises that conflicts with others can often be problems
that relate to our frame of reference. As an example, reframing is what we do when
we switch from a glass-half-empty to a glass-half-full perspective, in a sense. When
developing our EI, we take this internal process and apply it to our interactions with
others. Here’s Reece’s description of how it works:

“By reframing conflict with a co-worker as an opportunity to build better teamwork

with that person, you can find the motivation to initiate a conversation rather than
avoid the conflict as unworkable. During a difficult conversation, you can reframe the
way you see the other person – not as an enemy, but rather a potential new ally.”

The concept of reframing is a popular one with EI practitioners and works well if you
are looking for a long-term way to deal with unavoidable interpersonal conflicts. As
an example, in your mind, someone is criticizing an idea you have come up with.
Instead, you could reframe the situation mentally as “How useful these suggestions
are, I can use them to improve my idea.”

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8.3.3. Become aware of your emotional triggers

Another approach Reece suggests for learning to manage our own emotions is to
identify the triggers that actually set them off in the first place. This involves trying to
isolate, anticipate, and control the aspects of our interactions with others that set us
off.

8.3.4. Recognize and celebrate your positive emotions

This is a pretty lovely one from Dr. Thompson, who we mentioned above. It’s lovely
because it’s as simple as taking the time out to do things that make you experience
positive emotions. The only catch is that it’s not about taking a tropical vacation each
weekend! It’s more about intentionally engaging in intrinsically rewarding activities
like being kind, recalling past happy memories, and expressing our gratitude when we
interact with others.

It’s based on the idea that experiencing more positive emotions puts you in a better
and more resilient position when negative things do occur. We’re better equipped, in
this respect, by taking conscious steps to celebrate the things that evoke positive
feelings in ourselves.

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