MARKMANSON.

NET

© 2018

Mark Manson
I n sex, dating and relationships, words and actions are only as useful as the
emotions they elicit. They don’t have any intrinsic value by themselves.

When we interact with someone we’re attracted to and it doesn’t go as we’d

hoped, we often come away thinking that if only we would have said or done
something differently, things could have turned out much better. When we get
dumped, we obsessively search our memories for the moments, or even the
moment, where it all went wrong, and then we kick ourselves for the things we
did or didn’t do in those moments that could have saved it all.

But it’s precisely this insecurity about what to do that backfires on us. By
focusing too much on what we should say or how we should act around someone
– whether it’s someone we just met or someone we’ve been with for years – we
fail to acknowledge the emotional realities that define the quality of the
relationship between us.

Our relationships, then, should be viewed in terms of emotional needs rather

than actions because emotional needs are the fundamental factors that determine
what actually happens in each interaction. The words, actions, and behaviors can
shift and change and collide, but like tectonic plates floating on a hot surface
beneath, it’s the emotional needs that create the results. If you feel unsure or
unsafe, it will bleed through your words and actions and inhibit you from
proceeding any further. If you feel lame and used, you’ll find a way to flake out,
no matter what someone says or does.

If you can identify the emotional realities underlying your interactions and
relationships, then you’ll truly understand where you’re at with someone , as w
ell as why you feel the way you do towards them.
IDENTIFYING YOUR FUNDAMENTAL
EMOTIONAL NEEDS

On the surface, this sounds fairly straightforward. But the problem is that
emotional processes are quite enigmatic. It’s easy to obsess over what you might
say to someone or to endlessly ponder the reasons why they might have done
what they did when they did it — but you can’t see or touch the emotions that
are driving the interaction and, ultimately, your relationship with them. It’s a
subjective interpretation of a situation, and so pointing to specific examples can
be difficult, especially to those who are woefully unaware of the needs of others
(as well as their own). Telling them to look for something that they don’t even
know is there can be like asking Stevie Wonder to read you a lunch menu.

The idea that humans are motivated primarily by emotions and use conscious
decisions to justify their unconscious decisions is a cornerstone of psychological
thought going all the way back to Freud. [1] It’s the basis for the entire
profession of marketing , salesmanship, and public relations. Indeed,
neuroscience has found that actions and impulses originate in the amygdala (a
bra in region associated with emotional responses ) and are then processed and
altered by the frontal cortex (rational thought), not the other way around . [2]
So in our interactions with each other, we experience an immediate gut reaction
and then form a conscious opinion of the other person. Our subsequent behavior
towards them, or even how we might change our opinion of them, is all based on
this initial emotional reaction. Our frontal cortex may paint a colorful picture of
the person and the situation, but the amygdala’s initial reaction is what chooses
the color palette to begin with.

For instance, someone you just met who isn’t all that into you will likely come
up with a benign or irrelevant reason for why they’re rejecting you, which is
their way of rationalizing their initial feelings towards you. So does this make
them shallow and cold-hearted?

Not necessarily. Our emotional reactions to each other are a combination of so

many factors, both conscious and unconscious, that we’ll never be able to
pinpoint them all with certainty. And not only that, but what causes one person
to have a positive reaction to you might make another feel completely different
(or even indifferent).

So instead of looking at what words or even what actions work the best in your
relationships, we should pay attention to what emotions we want to elicit for the
best results and strongest connections. What’s important is zeroing in on the
emotional motivation behind another’s judgments and perceptions, not the actual
judgments or perceptions themselves.

This may sound difficult or complicated, but it’s actually quite straightforward .
There’s little logic to learn. It’s merely an exercise of practicing empathy and
intuiting what others are feeling rather than thinking and analyzing their surface
reactions. It’s removing your mental blocks rather than erecting new models of
information.

THE 3 FUNDAMENTAL EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN

RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve zeroed in on what I consider to be the three primary emotional motivators

when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. These three motivators exist for
everyone. How we meet them or don’t meet them determines the quality and
duration of our interactions and relationships. The three fundamental em otional
needs are:

1. Status . Feeling important or superior; feeling challenged.

2. Connection . Feeling understood and appreciated; shared values

and experiences.

3. Security . Feeling safe and reliable; feeling trust.

These three emotional triggers are universal. We all have them and our
willingness to become sexual or intimate with someone is based on these three
triggers and how we prioritize them . Some of us prioritize the search for status
and challenge far more than security and trust. Others seek out connection and
appreciation and aren’t as interested in status. [3]

It’s common in relationships to feel ambivalent or slightly torn with the person
you’re with. You kind of like them, but you wonder if there’s someone else
you’ll like more that you haven’t met yet. Maybe you really like being alone
with them, but around your friends, they’re cold and distant and seemingly a
different person. In fact, this sort of ambivalence is often the rule with people we
date, not the exception, and it’s driven by the emotional needs that either are or
aren’t being met.

For instance, let’s say you’re seeing someone who is well liked and considered
attractive by all of your friends (triggers your motivation for status), but you find
them self-centered at times (negatively triggers your need for connection) and
they can be flaky and opaque (negatively triggers your need for security). Do
you tolerate their behavior? There may not seem to be a whole lot of depth in
your relationship, but you have a great time socializing with other people
together. You cut them a lot of slack and keep giving them second chances.
After all, your friends always talk about how great you are together, and your
friends are good people, right?

Or perhaps you meet someone who is a bit unstable and erratic, but when you
two are alone together, you have the most amazing chemistry and connection –
it’s just that those moments are few and far between. The lack of security you
feel will be in constant tension with the feeling of connection and appreciation
you feel for one another and you’ll struggle to figure out what to do, often
moving back and forth between cutting them off and moving on , or going back
and trying things again.

WHICH EMOTIONAL NEED(S) DO YOU

PRIORITIZE?

While we all share these same emotional needs, we each differ in the ways we
prioritize some needs over others. [4] Some people have a high need for
security. Others are looking for connection first. And what’s more is that our
needs often interact and feedback onto one another. So for instance, the lack of
security you provide might actually create a sense of status and challenge for
some.

Emotional motivators can also manifest in healthy and unhealthy forms. The
normal and healthy emotional need for status and importance can become an
unhealthy vanity and superficiality. We might seek out people based on their
looks, or their money, or their fame, or their prestige, or what our friends think
of them. When too much emphasis is placed on these things, the need for status
begins to crowd and suppress our needs for connection and security. Pursuing
these superficial traits at the expense of our other emotional needs will often
leave us feeling lonely and depressed.

The normal and healthy need for connection and appreciation can morph into
unhealthy dependency and neediness. The clingy boyfriend/girlfriend, or the
person who incessantly calls and texts, desperately asking for a date. This
overwhelming need for acceptance and affection can crowd out the normal and
healthy needs for security and status. A desperate person will overlook their
partner’s flaws or infidelities, settling on anyone who will accept them and show
them just a little attention.

The normal and healthy need for security and commitment can become an
unhealthy form of possessiveness, obsession, and jealousy. This unhealthy drive
can crowd out normal and healthy forms of connection and importance. It’s seen
in the fits of jealous outrage when someone thinks their partner is engaging in
even the slightest hint of flirting with another person. It’s the couple that stays
together because their comfortable lifestyle is dependent on each other’s income.

OUR SHIFTING EMOTIONAL NEEDS

Everyone exhibits different levels of these emotional needs, and one’s emotional
needs can change over time. Ma ny in their early 20’s seek status and fun and
partying. In their 30’s , they m ight prioritize connection and acceptance, and by
the time they’re 40, they may have a strong desire for commitment and security .
Along the way, they may be willing to compromise on one or more needs in
order to satisfy another as their priorities shift.

It’s therefore important to understand our own needs and to acknowledge which
ones are driving our motivations. Someone might enter a relationship as a means
to gain status, but if connection is what they truly seek, they’ll be left
disappointed and torn between seeking connection with someone else and
staying in a relationship that provides them with status.

What they planned consciously doesn’t really matter if their biggest emotional
motivator is for connection and appreciation. They just didn’t know it. Lennon
had the famous quip about life happening while you’re making other plans. You
could easily amend that to say, “Emotions are what happen while you’re making
other plans.”

But understanding emotional needs is also important on an interaction-by-

interaction basis. It’s a good way to understand that not every rejection is the
same. Someone who responds rudely to your efforts to have a conversation with
them could be rejecting you based on you not meeting their need for status. A
partner you get along great with, but he or she is hesitant to open up or get closer
to you, could be seen as not having their needs for connection and appreciation
met by you. Someone who is uncomfortable around you and finds an excuse to
leave might not feel their need for security is being met.
Now that you understand the needs that drive interactions and relationships, the
next step is identify how to trigger these needs in others and in yourself. How do
you make someone feel appreciated? How do you generate trust? How do you
convey status and importance?

INTERPRETING THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF

OTHERS

The key to deciphering emotional needs in others and in yourself is to not look at
people’s words and actions but instead, look at their motivations. Someone may
make fun of your shirt, but it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they feel
intimidated by you and seek to bring you down a notch. They may do it as a
form of bonding and playful teasing and flirting. Maybe they get a rush from
feeling superior to others in social interactions.

Knowing how to respond is impossible without knowing what’s motivating

someone. And this is where the vast majority of dating and relationship advice
falls flat. They give you a one-size-fits-all call and response to social situations.
These formulaic responses only address surface phenomena, bubbles on an
entire sea of emotional resonances and currents. They ignore what’s below.

Recognizing motivations in others is not a simple task, particularly for those

who spent much of their lives being anti-social. The first key is to be able to read
the emotions of others through their movements, body language and tonality.
This is something that can be deliberately practiced, although the specifics are
beyond the scope of this article.

Learning to read body language, movements, and tonalities is an absolutely

necessary life skill. It will affect all of your relationships – professional, familial,
romantic, and otherwise – in a positive way.

So back to the example at hand: someone makes fun of your shirt. Are they
smiling while they do it? Is it a mischievous smile? An evil smile? Or do they
seem disgusted or nervous when they say it? Are they showing off to others or
are you alone when it happens? What is their body language telling you? Are
they leaning back with their arms crossed? Or are they leaning into you and play
hitting you as they say it?

The answers to these questions all matter. Start asking them.

The second way to read the motivations of others is through sub-communication.

When I was in high school, my English teacher used to scream over and over,
“Writers make choices!” no matter what book we were reading. The point being
that writers don’t just plaster random words across the page. They consciously
describe their characters in certain ways. They sit there and agonize over
mundane details and what seems to us like trivial dialogue.

The implication is that whenever we say something or write something, there’s

always an opportunity cost involved. I’m writing about emotional dynamics in
relationships right now. I’m not writing about football, or p residential politics,
or the ethnographic origins of Cuba. But I could. But since I’m not, that in and
of itself tells you something: I care about this stuff. This stuff is important
enough to me that I’m willing to sit down and spend however much time it takes
to write it. That says something about me, my life, my values, my knowledge,
my priorities, and my passions.

What I’m getting at is that nothing is ever said or done in a vacuum. We’re
always consciously choosing our words, and the fact that we’re choosing those
words or topics over other ones signifies something. Back in 2006 when I began
to obsess about this stuff, I began to notice that every conversation I had with
someone would find its way to my sex life. Acquaintances, friends, strangers at
parties. Even conversations with my parents (it got weird).

Consciously and unconsciously, I was directing my conversations in that

direction. I had some obvious hang-ups and obsessions going on and my need to
resolve them was bubbling up to the surface in the forms of my words and
conversational topics.

If I’m on a date with a woman and she regularly references her mother — what
her mother thinks about this, what her mother did with her in high school, what
her mother said on the phone the other day — I can gather a lot of information
from that. That’s not happening by chance. The woman obviously has a close
relationship with her mother. Her mother factors heavily into her life and
worldview. She’s probably quite emotionally attached to her. She also probably
shares very strong family values. Security is likely important to her.

Begin asking “Why?” in response to the behaviors and actions of others.

Challenge yourself to find the underlying cause motivating people. Most people
only do this in situations where shit hits the fan, or when someone stops calling
them back or something. But you should be doing this constantly, for your
successes and failures. For the exciting moments and the mundane.

Why does that girl seem so unhappy despite those guys flirting with her and
buying her drinks? Why does my friend always make fun of other guys who are
shorter than him? Why does my ex-girlfriend call to tell me about her new job?
Why does the bartender talk to the guys watching the game, but ignore the older
woman sitting by herself? Why can’t the girl at the checkout counter look
customers in the eye?

Then take those answers, and ask “Why?” Why does she feel uncomfortable
with overt male attention? Why does he feel a need to validate himself around
others? Why does she want to prove to me that she’s successful? Why does he
feel more comfortable around other guys than women? Why does she feel so
self-conscious dealing with others?

Obviously this all becomes conjecture. But it’s a good exercise. And once you
get to know some of these people, their behaviors will begin to answer your
questions for you.

It’s gotten scary sometimes. I can spend an hour with someone and know they
have a horrible relationship with their father. I can just tell. And usually I’m
right. Family-oriented people are easy for me to pick out as well. And of course,
the attention whores are obvious within about 30 seconds.

Am I often wrong? Yeah, quite a bit . But it’s fun guessing. And it’s even more
fun finding out. But most importantly, you train yourself to operate on
motivations and feelings of others. The words you choose and say become a side
effect of that. And as a result, you become a much more powerful communicator
and are able to connect with people on a much deeper level more quickly.
But what about you ? What are your emotional needs and how should you
respond to the needs of others?

EXPRESSING YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN

HEALTHY WAYS

A lot of people, and especially a lot of men, are oblivious to their own emotional
urges and what motivates them to behave in certain ways, particularly in
emotionally charged situations such as dating. People who are unaware of their
feelings will often feel out-of-control or helpless in these emotional situations,
and those who face chronic failure in their dating lives usually do so because
they’re entirely out of touch with their emotional realities.

As I mentioned above, the brain functions in such a way that we make decisions
based on emotions and then consciously rationalize these decisions and look for
evidence to support them.

So if you feel like people are generally untrustworthy, and you feel like you find
evidence for this in all of your interactions and everywhere you look, then
chances are you have some deeper anger issues as well as fear of intimacy.
Meanwhile your brain is consciously looking for and finding reasons to justify
this anger in the real world.

This isn’t to say there aren’t untrustworthy people in the world. There are. But
most people are generally trustworthy and well intentioned. If you’re constantly
looking for evidence of untrustworthiness in people, then you’re never going to
find the trustworthy people. If you look for evidence of trustworthiness, then
you’ll successfully avoid the untrustworthy.

People talk about “limiting beliefs” in self-help all the time. Limiting beliefs
such as the one mentioned above — or even simple ones such as the idea that
you can’t call someone the day after you meet them — are extremely hard to
notice in ourselves. And even when we do notice them, it’s hard to talk ourselves
out of them and un-rationalize what we’ve spent a lifetime rationalizing and
reinforcing .
Attacking the underlying emotion itself can often be a more efficient means to
changing these behaviors. Instead of obsessing and struggling in arguments
against yourself for weeks or months over something you don’t truly believe or
feel in your gut, attacking the underlying emotion head on will cause the
behaviors to resolve themselves naturally.

For instance, in the example above of thinking people can’t be trusted, if you
remove the underlying anger and trust issues, then you’ll naturally stop
rationalizing reasons to distrust everyone and stop finding evidence to support it.
Your beliefs will change and your behavior will follow. When you’re unsure or
even afraid to call or text someone the day after meeting them, if you remove the
anxiety to connect, then you’ll feel free to contact them whenever and however
you feel is appropriate.

Again, it’s worth mentioning that there will still be untrustworthy people in the
world. And there will still be people who don’t want you to call the next day.
But the point is that these beliefs will no longer hinder your behavior and
actions. You’ll be free to pursue your desires without qualms or hang-ups.

DEALING WITH YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS

The reason so much emphasis is put on logically dismantling limiting beliefs

rather than dealing with the underlying emotions is that the latter can be quite
complicated. But, as I said previously, dealing with these emotions is perhaps
the best way to change your attitudes and behavior for the better.

But before we jump into how to become more aware of your own emotions, we
need to also talk about projection. Projection is a popular psychological concept
that came from Freud. From the Wikipedia article on projection:

“Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense

mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own
attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside
world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or
 projecting the belief that others originate those feelings.”

Projection reduces your anxiety by allowing you to express unwanted,

unconscious impulses or desires without letting your conscious mind recognize
them. [5]

An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self-failure. The mind
may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping
those feelings unconscious, and by redirecting, or “projecting,” those same faults
onto another person or object.

We’ll often project our own emotional needs and feelings onto those we interact
with as well. You might have a high need for status and validation and you
might seek to meet that need by dating a certain type of person – good looking,
rich, popular, whatever. You’ll likely project your beliefs onto the people around
you and assume that everyone wants to be with the same kind of people that you
do. So, you think that people only want to date others that are good looking,
rich, or popular. You’ll try to attract others by developing and showcasing these
qualities in yourself, and if someone doesn’t find you attractive, you assume it’s
because you weren’t good looking enough, rich enough, or popular enough for
them.

Or maybe instead, you might have a high need for connection in your
relationships, and so you’ll likely project that need onto the person you’re with
by assuming they too have a high need for connection. If they don’t seem eager
to open up to you or they get uncomfortable when you want them to share
something personal about themselves, you assume it’s because they don’t like
you all that much.

The truth is, we all have varying needs for status, connection, and security, and
we all develop strategies to get these needs met in different ways . But it’s when
we’re disconnected from these needs and unaware of them that our neurotic and
needy behavior flares up. The solution is to increase one’s own awareness of
their emotional make-up, accept that emotional make-up and then consciously
express it in a healthy manner.

To use an example from my own life, I used to be quite disconnected from my

desire for connection. I’ve since learned that my need for connection outweighs
my need for status and heavily outweighs my need for security. But years ago, I
was unaware of this. I was more status-centric, focusing on having lots of casual
sex and shallow relationships with women.

What began to happen was a lot of the women I was sleeping with would
demonstrate some sort of act of intimacy towards me and I would freak out. I
unfairly dropped and nexted many women because I felt they were becoming
“too clingy” and expected too much from me. In hindsight, their behavior was
totally normal and expected. I was in denial of my need for connection and
intimacy and I projected that need onto all of the women I was seeing. I was the
clingy one. I was the needy one. Yet I projected that onto any woman who tried
to get near me. As a result, I unfairly resented and dumped a number of women
who were making totally reasonable attempts to get to know me better.

SELF-AWARENESS AROUND YOUR

EMOTIONAL NEEDS

So how do we go about becoming more aware of our emotions and motivations

in our relationships? Here are a few places to start:

● Ask Yourself “Why?” – I talked previously about asking “Why?”

when observing other people’s behavior. Well, the same rule applies to
you. And again, most people are terrible at doing this. Our egos get in
the way. We always assume we’re correct. What I’ve found with
questioning yourself is that the first few answers to the “Why?”
question are usually the incorrect ones. It’s the rationalization. So you
must continue to ask beyond that. A couple examples:

“Why did I get so upset when my girlfriend was talking to that guy at a
party last night?”

“Because she was being a bitch and flirting with him right in front of me. I
felt disrespected.”

“Why do I think she was being a bitch? Why do I think that’s

disrespectful?”

“Because I love my girlfriend and it hurts to think about her not loving me
back.”

“Why does it hurt so much? Why am I so upset?”

“Because I want to feel loved and appreciated and I’m afraid of being
abandoned and alone.”

Obviously, these answers are not arrived at easily. You may even find
yourself asking the same question for days or weeks before an answer
comes to you. But pay attention to your emotions. Pay attention to what
feels right. Keep asking. Keep questioning yourself. You’ll be surprised at
what uncomfortable truths come up. And the more uncomfortable, the truer
they probably are.

● Meditation – I’m not going to go way into meditation here, but

it’s a fantastic way to build greater emotional awareness in yourself.
The act of meditating is very much the simple act of observing oneself.
As you sit in silence, focusing on your breath, thoughts and feelings
creep into your mind constantly. Learning how to control that flow,
observe that flow and accept many of those thoughts and feelings is an
important skill that transfers over to many parts of your life. What
you’re doing is training your mind to be aware of your thoughts and
emotions. So in situations where you may have acted out
unconsciously (thrown a temper tantrum, became really nervous and
supplicated, made up excuses to stay at home), meditation trains your
mind to see the thoughts and feelings occur in the moment, and trains
you to recognize stuff like, “You know, when my friends invite me
out, I feel nervous and begin thinking of reasons to stay in. I never
noticed that before.” Or “Whenever my girlfriend tells me about her
ex-boyfriend, I find ways to get angry at her. I never put those two
things together before.”

● Therapy – Therapy with the right therapist can be incredibly

beneficial to your emotional well-being. A good therapist plays the
role of the “Why?” question above. They will lead you into lines of
 questioning about yourself that you may not have considered before.
They will also give you an objective, third-person perspective on a lot
of situations, showing you that something you had always assumed to
be true, was actually an emotional knee-jerk reaction of yours. For
instance, a particularly socially traumatic event happened to me when I
was 13 years old. It sucked, but I never thought that much of it… until
I got to therapy. When I told my therapist about it, his reaction was,
“Holy shit, no wonder you have so much anxiety in that area.” It never
even occurred to me that I had lived through a particularly unique
situation that affected my emotions in such a drastic way. But once he
helped me become aware of it, both the severity and the way it had
affected me, it allowed me to begin working past those issues.

What you’ll notice as you become more emotionally aware is that it won’t all
happen in one step. You won’t suddenly one day realize, “Oh, I have a big need
for connection!” The process usually plays out slowly over a longer period of
time. And the realizations come in the form of many minor epiphanies that build
on one another. It’s very much like pulling back layers of an onion, each one not
getting you particularly far, but each layer reveals another slightly deeper layer
below it.

The final step in realizing your emotional needs is successfully negotiating your
needs in your relationships. Most people who are unaware of their emotional
needs will try to make any and every person they’re with fit into their specific
mold of what they want and need in a relationship. Someone who desperately
needs status will try to find ways to fulfill that need even if they’re with
someone who doesn’t care about status at all.

Once you become more aware of what your needs are, then you’re able to make
quick and easy decisions about which people you’re willing to pursue and which
ones you’re not. If I meet a woman who has a high need for security and stability
(my lowest need), then I’ll usually not bother anymore. I have little need for
security and it seems silly to spend so much time and energy to fulfill her need in
the short-term when I know I’m going to be unable to fulfill it in the long-term.
And not to mention, she’s unlikely going to be able to fulfill my needs well
either.
EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND
RESOLVING CONFLICT
Finally, let’s talk about how we can use an understanding of our needs to resolve
conflict.

We’re all insecure and ignorant at times and we all act out on our insecurities
and ignorance in ways that hurt other people. This is called “being an asshole.”

Some of us are especially experienced at being assholes in our relationships. It’s

perplexing when you think about it – being an asshole to the person you
supposedly adore – but that’s what we do. And we all do it, even if some of us
do it more than others.

When resolving a conflict in a relationship, there are four questions you must
ask.

1. Is resolving the conflict even worth it?

2. What needs was the offender trying to meet?
3. Is the other person on board?
4. How can we fix this?
While you’re reading through this, it may be useful to think of a couple ongoing
personal conflicts you have or have had in your relationships. We’ll take the
questions one at a time.

1. IS RESOLVING THE CONFLICT EVEN WORTH IT?

Good question. Petty arguments in your relationship are probably not worth the
hassle. The way your girlfriend complains about work all the time or the way
your boyfriend talks really loud when he’s had a few drinks and it annoys you.
At worst, these situations call for simply confronting someone and asking them
to stop.
But your ability to handle even simple conflicts will be determined by how
secure you are as well as how sturdy your boundaries are. If you’re insecure,
then every other fart in the wind will become a crisis. And if your boundaries
suck, then you’ll be blaming yourself for everything and scared to death of
confrontation.

There’s a lot to be said about being able to let things go and knowing when to
pick your battles.

As the problems get more serious, choosing whether to engage in conflict

resolution or not is a more legitimate question, especially if the issue at hand
seriously compromises your values in an inalterable way. In some cases,
someone does something so horrible that you will never be able to resolve it. For
instance, your spouse slept with your best friend or you find out about something
your partner has been keeping from you for a long time that they should have
told you. No matter how much work you put into fixing the relationship, it’s
unlikely to ever be enough.

Broken trust issues are similar. With trust issues, I always use the analogy of a
china plate. A relationship is like a piece of fine china. Breaking that trust means
breaking the plate. With a lot of care and effort, the plate can be restored, but if it
gets broken again, it becomes that much harder to put back together. Eventually,
if the plate is broken enough times, it can never be made whole again. It’s lost
forever.

In a situation where someone has broken your trust, you must ask yourself if you
can see it ever being possible to trust that person again. If not, then you’re better
off simply moving on.

As a bit of a side note, there are familial relationships where it’s basically
impossible to not engage in conflict resolution with them. You only get one
family, and even if you wish you could ditch them sometimes, you can’t. One
way or another, you always end up back with them, problems front and center.
So you may as well make the best of it and try to resolve some of your issues
together.

2. WHAT NEEDS WAS THE OFFENDER TRYING TO MEET?

So you’ve decided you do, in fact, want to resolve a conflict in your relationship.
Congratulations, this is the first step to becoming less of an asshole.

The key to resolving conflicts in your relationship – or any personal conflict for
that matter – is compassion.

And by compassion I mean seeing past the individual offensive behaviors and
looking at the emotional needs that are motivating those behaviors.

The wife who tries to make you jealous is doing it because she’s not feeling
loved or validated enough. The overbearing and controlling boyfriend is afraid
of being left and is trying to meet his need for security. The girlfriend who calls
you an insensitive prick is frustrated that her need for connection is being
ignored.

Seeing another person’s needs behind their annoying behavior is not easy. It
takes practice. This is especially true in our relationships when the object of our
affection disappoints us with their behavior. Our relationships are steeped in
complex emotions (not to mention our own emotional baggage), and so we’re
terrible at seeing the situation objectively.

But the best method I’ve ever come across to develop compassion for another
person’s needs is an exercise I actually learned at an Integral workshop put on by
the people who work for Ken Wilber . In the workshop, they referred to it as the
“1-2-3 Shadow Exercise”, which is a fancy reference to Jungian Psychology.
You can call it whatever you want. I call it practical.

1. Write a letter to the person being 100% honest while

describing how you feel. Write down everything you would like to
tell this person if you could. Don’t hold anything back. Let all the
anger, hatred, and pain come out.

Ex.: Dear John, I’ve never told you this, but you change when we’re
around other people. You go from being a kind and compassionate man to
being a dick and looking down on me. Remember that time you made fun
of me in front of Kim just to make yourself look good? It’s so fucking weak.
You’re obviously insecure around people…
You don’t have to spend more than five or ten minutes on it. The
important part is that you get all of your primary complaints out and make
sure you put your genuine feelings into it.

2. Write a response letter to yourself from their perspective about

the issue. This is where things get a little tricky. Now, take out a new
piece of paper (or open up a clean document) and write another letter.
This time it’s from them and to you. In this letter, try to take their
perspective in defending themselves against your complaints. Make
their defense as reasonable and plausible as possible.

Ex.: Dear Rachel, I’m sorry you feel like I’m arrogant in social situations.
You’re right that I probably feel insecure at times, but I feel a need to cut
you down because you dominate every social interaction we’re in. You
know I’m a quiet guy. So why don’t you ever ask me for my input or
encourage me to be a part of the conversation more? …

Try to empathize with them as much as possible as you write. If you find
yourself continuing to blame them or make them look like an asshole in
the second letter, then you’re doing it wrong. Start over and honestly try to
inhabit their perspective.

What you may find when doing the second letter is that you actually
uncover legitimate criticisms of yourself that you were not aware of
before. If this happens, then you’re definitely on the right track because
not only are you beginning to see their perspective, you’re also beginning
to get a more objective perspective on your own behavior that you didn’t
have before.

3. Write a third letter, this time from an objective third-person

perspective. The final letter is from an anonymous outside observer.
Now that you’ve written an angry letter from your perspective and a
defensive letter from the other person’s perspective, it’s time to
inhabit an objective third-person perspective and put the whole
conflict in proper context.

Ex.: Dear Rachel and John, it seems that the two of you are both insecure
in larger social situations. You’re both choosing to deal with your
 discomfort in different ways that are not helping the other person…

The whole exercise takes maybe 30 minutes and the results are great. Not
only do you feel less attached to the hurt and pain afterward, but you’ve
also forced yourself to empathize with the other person’s needs and taken a
more objective perspective on the conflict yourself.

3. IS THE OTHER PERSON ON BOARD?

At some point you have to confront your partner about the issue. Sometimes the
issue will force itself, but usually one of you needs to speak up about what’s
going on. This isn’t easy, or fun. In fact, it’s downright uncomfortable.

People who are codependent have particular difficulties with personal

confrontation and will go to great lengths to avoid it or pretend the problem
doesn’t exist. But you must open up a dialogue about the issue. Even if you’re
afraid that the conflict might lead to your relationship’s demise, it’s the only way
forward. You have to address the problems that are causing your pain if you
want to have any chance at a solid relationship , not just a mediocre one where
you sweep everything under the rug.

Another cold, hard truth: just as you can’t force somebody to change, you can’t
force somebody to resolve a conflict no matter what kind of relationship you
have. And any attempts to coerce or bribe your partner into it will only piss them
off and push them away more.

The reason is that coercion negates the person’s autonomy and personal choice.
Conflict resolution is worthless unless it’s based on the free will of both parties.
So even if you do decide that a relationship matters enough for you to change it,
and even if you’ve gone through the work to widen your perspective and
understand the other person’s needs, you still can’t force the other person to do
the same. They have to reach the same point on their own accord, or not at all.

If the other person is not on board, there’s nothing you can do other than to wait
silently, or move on.
4. HOW CAN WE FIX THIS?

Once you and your partner are openly communicating about the problem, it’s
time to find a resolution. The key here is to focus less on specific behavior and
instead focus on needs.

For instance, if your boyfriend is always criticizing you, don’t blame him or tell
him to stop being critical. Tell him that it’s important for you to feel that he
supports you and approves of you and when he criticizes you, especially in front
of other people, you don’t feel that way. From there, he’s likely to tell you that,
in his mind, his criticisms are his way of supporting you.

From there, you two can agree to find a new behavior that you’re both
comfortable with.

For some of you, I’m sure the thought of speaking about this stuff to the people
you love strikes you as weird or uncomfortable. You may think your partner will
get really uncomfortable and brush you off.

I thought the same thing. And sometimes, you will be brushed off. But it’s been
surprising how universal this method is. Speaking to people’s emotional needs is
not only universal, but I’ve found that people jump on the opportunity when
presented because it’s presented to them so seldom.

But the best part is that the process itself validates the important feelings
underlying the problems — your boyfriend is critical of you because he cares,
your girlfriend is arrogant only because she feels insecure around you, and you
get angry because you’re afraid she won’t like you anymore.

On and on.

This is vulnerability in action . And it’s the glue that binds our relationships
together and holds us close.
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[1] Freud, S. (1915). The unconscious .

[2] Damasio, A. R. (1994). Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain . New York:
Putnam.
[3] Marston, P. J., Hecht, M. L., Manke, M. L., Mcdaniel, S., & Reeder, H. (1998). The subjective
experience of intimacy, passion, and commitment in heterosexual loving relationships . Personal
Relationships , 5 (1), 15–30.
[4] Acker, M., & Davis, M. H. (1992). Intimacy, passion and commitment in adult romantic relationships:
A test of the triangular theory of love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , 9 (1), 21–50.

[5] Baumeister, R. F., Dale, K., & Sommer, K. L. (1998). Freudian defense mechanisms and empirical
findings in modern social psychology: Reaction formation, projection, displacement, undoing, isolation,
sublimation, and denial. Journal of Personality , 66 (6), 1081–1124.