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© 2018
Mark Manson
I n sex, dating and relationships, words and actions are only as useful as the
emotions they elicit. They don’t have any intrinsic value by themselves.
But it’s precisely this insecurity about what to do that backfires on us. By
focusing too much on what we should say or how we should act around someone
– whether it’s someone we just met or someone we’ve been with for years – we
fail to acknowledge the emotional realities that define the quality of the
relationship between us.
If you can identify the emotional realities underlying your interactions and
relationships, then you’ll truly understand where you’re at with someone , as w
ell as why you feel the way you do towards them.
IDENTIFYING YOUR FUNDAMENTAL
EMOTIONAL NEEDS
On the surface, this sounds fairly straightforward. But the problem is that
emotional processes are quite enigmatic. It’s easy to obsess over what you might
say to someone or to endlessly ponder the reasons why they might have done
what they did when they did it — but you can’t see or touch the emotions that
are driving the interaction and, ultimately, your relationship with them. It’s a
subjective interpretation of a situation, and so pointing to specific examples can
be difficult, especially to those who are woefully unaware of the needs of others
(as well as their own). Telling them to look for something that they don’t even
know is there can be like asking Stevie Wonder to read you a lunch menu.
The idea that humans are motivated primarily by emotions and use conscious
decisions to justify their unconscious decisions is a cornerstone of psychological
thought going all the way back to Freud. [1] It’s the basis for the entire
profession of marketing , salesmanship, and public relations. Indeed,
neuroscience has found that actions and impulses originate in the amygdala (a
bra in region associated with emotional responses ) and are then processed and
altered by the frontal cortex (rational thought), not the other way around . [2]
So in our interactions with each other, we experience an immediate gut reaction
and then form a conscious opinion of the other person. Our subsequent behavior
towards them, or even how we might change our opinion of them, is all based on
this initial emotional reaction. Our frontal cortex may paint a colorful picture of
the person and the situation, but the amygdala’s initial reaction is what chooses
the color palette to begin with.
For instance, someone you just met who isn’t all that into you will likely come
up with a benign or irrelevant reason for why they’re rejecting you, which is
their way of rationalizing their initial feelings towards you. So does this make
them shallow and cold-hearted?
So instead of looking at what words or even what actions work the best in your
relationships, we should pay attention to what emotions we want to elicit for the
best results and strongest connections. What’s important is zeroing in on the
emotional motivation behind another’s judgments and perceptions, not the actual
judgments or perceptions themselves.
This may sound difficult or complicated, but it’s actually quite straightforward .
There’s little logic to learn. It’s merely an exercise of practicing empathy and
intuiting what others are feeling rather than thinking and analyzing their surface
reactions. It’s removing your mental blocks rather than erecting new models of
information.
These three emotional triggers are universal. We all have them and our
willingness to become sexual or intimate with someone is based on these three
triggers and how we prioritize them . Some of us prioritize the search for status
and challenge far more than security and trust. Others seek out connection and
appreciation and aren’t as interested in status. [3]
It’s common in relationships to feel ambivalent or slightly torn with the person
you’re with. You kind of like them, but you wonder if there’s someone else
you’ll like more that you haven’t met yet. Maybe you really like being alone
with them, but around your friends, they’re cold and distant and seemingly a
different person. In fact, this sort of ambivalence is often the rule with people we
date, not the exception, and it’s driven by the emotional needs that either are or
aren’t being met.
For instance, let’s say you’re seeing someone who is well liked and considered
attractive by all of your friends (triggers your motivation for status), but you find
them self-centered at times (negatively triggers your need for connection) and
they can be flaky and opaque (negatively triggers your need for security). Do
you tolerate their behavior? There may not seem to be a whole lot of depth in
your relationship, but you have a great time socializing with other people
together. You cut them a lot of slack and keep giving them second chances.
After all, your friends always talk about how great you are together, and your
friends are good people, right?
Or perhaps you meet someone who is a bit unstable and erratic, but when you
two are alone together, you have the most amazing chemistry and connection –
it’s just that those moments are few and far between. The lack of security you
feel will be in constant tension with the feeling of connection and appreciation
you feel for one another and you’ll struggle to figure out what to do, often
moving back and forth between cutting them off and moving on , or going back
and trying things again.
While we all share these same emotional needs, we each differ in the ways we
prioritize some needs over others. [4] Some people have a high need for
security. Others are looking for connection first. And what’s more is that our
needs often interact and feedback onto one another. So for instance, the lack of
security you provide might actually create a sense of status and challenge for
some.
Emotional motivators can also manifest in healthy and unhealthy forms. The
normal and healthy emotional need for status and importance can become an
unhealthy vanity and superficiality. We might seek out people based on their
looks, or their money, or their fame, or their prestige, or what our friends think
of them. When too much emphasis is placed on these things, the need for status
begins to crowd and suppress our needs for connection and security. Pursuing
these superficial traits at the expense of our other emotional needs will often
leave us feeling lonely and depressed.
The normal and healthy need for connection and appreciation can morph into
unhealthy dependency and neediness. The clingy boyfriend/girlfriend, or the
person who incessantly calls and texts, desperately asking for a date. This
overwhelming need for acceptance and affection can crowd out the normal and
healthy needs for security and status. A desperate person will overlook their
partner’s flaws or infidelities, settling on anyone who will accept them and show
them just a little attention.
The normal and healthy need for security and commitment can become an
unhealthy form of possessiveness, obsession, and jealousy. This unhealthy drive
can crowd out normal and healthy forms of connection and importance. It’s seen
in the fits of jealous outrage when someone thinks their partner is engaging in
even the slightest hint of flirting with another person. It’s the couple that stays
together because their comfortable lifestyle is dependent on each other’s income.
Everyone exhibits different levels of these emotional needs, and one’s emotional
needs can change over time. Ma ny in their early 20’s seek status and fun and
partying. In their 30’s , they m ight prioritize connection and acceptance, and by
the time they’re 40, they may have a strong desire for commitment and security .
Along the way, they may be willing to compromise on one or more needs in
order to satisfy another as their priorities shift.
It’s therefore important to understand our own needs and to acknowledge which
ones are driving our motivations. Someone might enter a relationship as a means
to gain status, but if connection is what they truly seek, they’ll be left
disappointed and torn between seeking connection with someone else and
staying in a relationship that provides them with status.
What they planned consciously doesn’t really matter if their biggest emotional
motivator is for connection and appreciation. They just didn’t know it. Lennon
had the famous quip about life happening while you’re making other plans. You
could easily amend that to say, “Emotions are what happen while you’re making
other plans.”
The key to deciphering emotional needs in others and in yourself is to not look at
people’s words and actions but instead, look at their motivations. Someone may
make fun of your shirt, but it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they feel
intimidated by you and seek to bring you down a notch. They may do it as a
form of bonding and playful teasing and flirting. Maybe they get a rush from
feeling superior to others in social interactions.
So back to the example at hand: someone makes fun of your shirt. Are they
smiling while they do it? Is it a mischievous smile? An evil smile? Or do they
seem disgusted or nervous when they say it? Are they showing off to others or
are you alone when it happens? What is their body language telling you? Are
they leaning back with their arms crossed? Or are they leaning into you and play
hitting you as they say it?
What I’m getting at is that nothing is ever said or done in a vacuum. We’re
always consciously choosing our words, and the fact that we’re choosing those
words or topics over other ones signifies something. Back in 2006 when I began
to obsess about this stuff, I began to notice that every conversation I had with
someone would find its way to my sex life. Acquaintances, friends, strangers at
parties. Even conversations with my parents (it got weird).
If I’m on a date with a woman and she regularly references her mother — what
her mother thinks about this, what her mother did with her in high school, what
her mother said on the phone the other day — I can gather a lot of information
from that. That’s not happening by chance. The woman obviously has a close
relationship with her mother. Her mother factors heavily into her life and
worldview. She’s probably quite emotionally attached to her. She also probably
shares very strong family values. Security is likely important to her.
Why does that girl seem so unhappy despite those guys flirting with her and
buying her drinks? Why does my friend always make fun of other guys who are
shorter than him? Why does my ex-girlfriend call to tell me about her new job?
Why does the bartender talk to the guys watching the game, but ignore the older
woman sitting by herself? Why can’t the girl at the checkout counter look
customers in the eye?
Then take those answers, and ask “Why?” Why does she feel uncomfortable
with overt male attention? Why does he feel a need to validate himself around
others? Why does she want to prove to me that she’s successful? Why does he
feel more comfortable around other guys than women? Why does she feel so
self-conscious dealing with others?
Obviously this all becomes conjecture. But it’s a good exercise. And once you
get to know some of these people, their behaviors will begin to answer your
questions for you.
It’s gotten scary sometimes. I can spend an hour with someone and know they
have a horrible relationship with their father. I can just tell. And usually I’m
right. Family-oriented people are easy for me to pick out as well. And of course,
the attention whores are obvious within about 30 seconds.
Am I often wrong? Yeah, quite a bit . But it’s fun guessing. And it’s even more
fun finding out. But most importantly, you train yourself to operate on
motivations and feelings of others. The words you choose and say become a side
effect of that. And as a result, you become a much more powerful communicator
and are able to connect with people on a much deeper level more quickly.
But what about you ? What are your emotional needs and how should you
respond to the needs of others?
A lot of people, and especially a lot of men, are oblivious to their own emotional
urges and what motivates them to behave in certain ways, particularly in
emotionally charged situations such as dating. People who are unaware of their
feelings will often feel out-of-control or helpless in these emotional situations,
and those who face chronic failure in their dating lives usually do so because
they’re entirely out of touch with their emotional realities.
As I mentioned above, the brain functions in such a way that we make decisions
based on emotions and then consciously rationalize these decisions and look for
evidence to support them.
So if you feel like people are generally untrustworthy, and you feel like you find
evidence for this in all of your interactions and everywhere you look, then
chances are you have some deeper anger issues as well as fear of intimacy.
Meanwhile your brain is consciously looking for and finding reasons to justify
this anger in the real world.
This isn’t to say there aren’t untrustworthy people in the world. There are. But
most people are generally trustworthy and well intentioned. If you’re constantly
looking for evidence of untrustworthiness in people, then you’re never going to
find the trustworthy people. If you look for evidence of trustworthiness, then
you’ll successfully avoid the untrustworthy.
People talk about “limiting beliefs” in self-help all the time. Limiting beliefs
such as the one mentioned above — or even simple ones such as the idea that
you can’t call someone the day after you meet them — are extremely hard to
notice in ourselves. And even when we do notice them, it’s hard to talk ourselves
out of them and un-rationalize what we’ve spent a lifetime rationalizing and
reinforcing .
Attacking the underlying emotion itself can often be a more efficient means to
changing these behaviors. Instead of obsessing and struggling in arguments
against yourself for weeks or months over something you don’t truly believe or
feel in your gut, attacking the underlying emotion head on will cause the
behaviors to resolve themselves naturally.
For instance, in the example above of thinking people can’t be trusted, if you
remove the underlying anger and trust issues, then you’ll naturally stop
rationalizing reasons to distrust everyone and stop finding evidence to support it.
Your beliefs will change and your behavior will follow. When you’re unsure or
even afraid to call or text someone the day after meeting them, if you remove the
anxiety to connect, then you’ll feel free to contact them whenever and however
you feel is appropriate.
Again, it’s worth mentioning that there will still be untrustworthy people in the
world. And there will still be people who don’t want you to call the next day.
But the point is that these beliefs will no longer hinder your behavior and
actions. You’ll be free to pursue your desires without qualms or hang-ups.
But before we jump into how to become more aware of your own emotions, we
need to also talk about projection. Projection is a popular psychological concept
that came from Freud. From the Wikipedia article on projection:
An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self-failure. The mind
may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping
those feelings unconscious, and by redirecting, or “projecting,” those same faults
onto another person or object.
We’ll often project our own emotional needs and feelings onto those we interact
with as well. You might have a high need for status and validation and you
might seek to meet that need by dating a certain type of person – good looking,
rich, popular, whatever. You’ll likely project your beliefs onto the people around
you and assume that everyone wants to be with the same kind of people that you
do. So, you think that people only want to date others that are good looking,
rich, or popular. You’ll try to attract others by developing and showcasing these
qualities in yourself, and if someone doesn’t find you attractive, you assume it’s
because you weren’t good looking enough, rich enough, or popular enough for
them.
Or maybe instead, you might have a high need for connection in your
relationships, and so you’ll likely project that need onto the person you’re with
by assuming they too have a high need for connection. If they don’t seem eager
to open up to you or they get uncomfortable when you want them to share
something personal about themselves, you assume it’s because they don’t like
you all that much.
The truth is, we all have varying needs for status, connection, and security, and
we all develop strategies to get these needs met in different ways . But it’s when
we’re disconnected from these needs and unaware of them that our neurotic and
needy behavior flares up. The solution is to increase one’s own awareness of
their emotional make-up, accept that emotional make-up and then consciously
express it in a healthy manner.
What began to happen was a lot of the women I was sleeping with would
demonstrate some sort of act of intimacy towards me and I would freak out. I
unfairly dropped and nexted many women because I felt they were becoming
“too clingy” and expected too much from me. In hindsight, their behavior was
totally normal and expected. I was in denial of my need for connection and
intimacy and I projected that need onto all of the women I was seeing. I was the
clingy one. I was the needy one. Yet I projected that onto any woman who tried
to get near me. As a result, I unfairly resented and dumped a number of women
who were making totally reasonable attempts to get to know me better.
“Why did I get so upset when my girlfriend was talking to that guy at a
party last night?”
“Because she was being a bitch and flirting with him right in front of me. I
felt disrespected.”
“Because I love my girlfriend and it hurts to think about her not loving me
back.”
“Because I want to feel loved and appreciated and I’m afraid of being
abandoned and alone.”
Obviously, these answers are not arrived at easily. You may even find
yourself asking the same question for days or weeks before an answer
comes to you. But pay attention to your emotions. Pay attention to what
feels right. Keep asking. Keep questioning yourself. You’ll be surprised at
what uncomfortable truths come up. And the more uncomfortable, the truer
they probably are.
What you’ll notice as you become more emotionally aware is that it won’t all
happen in one step. You won’t suddenly one day realize, “Oh, I have a big need
for connection!” The process usually plays out slowly over a longer period of
time. And the realizations come in the form of many minor epiphanies that build
on one another. It’s very much like pulling back layers of an onion, each one not
getting you particularly far, but each layer reveals another slightly deeper layer
below it.
The final step in realizing your emotional needs is successfully negotiating your
needs in your relationships. Most people who are unaware of their emotional
needs will try to make any and every person they’re with fit into their specific
mold of what they want and need in a relationship. Someone who desperately
needs status will try to find ways to fulfill that need even if they’re with
someone who doesn’t care about status at all.
Once you become more aware of what your needs are, then you’re able to make
quick and easy decisions about which people you’re willing to pursue and which
ones you’re not. If I meet a woman who has a high need for security and stability
(my lowest need), then I’ll usually not bother anymore. I have little need for
security and it seems silly to spend so much time and energy to fulfill her need in
the short-term when I know I’m going to be unable to fulfill it in the long-term.
And not to mention, she’s unlikely going to be able to fulfill my needs well
either.
EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND
RESOLVING CONFLICT
Finally, let’s talk about how we can use an understanding of our needs to resolve
conflict.
We’re all insecure and ignorant at times and we all act out on our insecurities
and ignorance in ways that hurt other people. This is called “being an asshole.”
When resolving a conflict in a relationship, there are four questions you must
ask.
Good question. Petty arguments in your relationship are probably not worth the
hassle. The way your girlfriend complains about work all the time or the way
your boyfriend talks really loud when he’s had a few drinks and it annoys you.
At worst, these situations call for simply confronting someone and asking them
to stop.
But your ability to handle even simple conflicts will be determined by how
secure you are as well as how sturdy your boundaries are. If you’re insecure,
then every other fart in the wind will become a crisis. And if your boundaries
suck, then you’ll be blaming yourself for everything and scared to death of
confrontation.
There’s a lot to be said about being able to let things go and knowing when to
pick your battles.
Broken trust issues are similar. With trust issues, I always use the analogy of a
china plate. A relationship is like a piece of fine china. Breaking that trust means
breaking the plate. With a lot of care and effort, the plate can be restored, but if it
gets broken again, it becomes that much harder to put back together. Eventually,
if the plate is broken enough times, it can never be made whole again. It’s lost
forever.
In a situation where someone has broken your trust, you must ask yourself if you
can see it ever being possible to trust that person again. If not, then you’re better
off simply moving on.
As a bit of a side note, there are familial relationships where it’s basically
impossible to not engage in conflict resolution with them. You only get one
family, and even if you wish you could ditch them sometimes, you can’t. One
way or another, you always end up back with them, problems front and center.
So you may as well make the best of it and try to resolve some of your issues
together.
The key to resolving conflicts in your relationship – or any personal conflict for
that matter – is compassion.
And by compassion I mean seeing past the individual offensive behaviors and
looking at the emotional needs that are motivating those behaviors.
The wife who tries to make you jealous is doing it because she’s not feeling
loved or validated enough. The overbearing and controlling boyfriend is afraid
of being left and is trying to meet his need for security. The girlfriend who calls
you an insensitive prick is frustrated that her need for connection is being
ignored.
Seeing another person’s needs behind their annoying behavior is not easy. It
takes practice. This is especially true in our relationships when the object of our
affection disappoints us with their behavior. Our relationships are steeped in
complex emotions (not to mention our own emotional baggage), and so we’re
terrible at seeing the situation objectively.
But the best method I’ve ever come across to develop compassion for another
person’s needs is an exercise I actually learned at an Integral workshop put on by
the people who work for Ken Wilber . In the workshop, they referred to it as the
“1-2-3 Shadow Exercise”, which is a fancy reference to Jungian Psychology.
You can call it whatever you want. I call it practical.
Ex.: Dear John, I’ve never told you this, but you change when we’re
around other people. You go from being a kind and compassionate man to
being a dick and looking down on me. Remember that time you made fun
of me in front of Kim just to make yourself look good? It’s so fucking weak.
You’re obviously insecure around people…
You don’t have to spend more than five or ten minutes on it. The
important part is that you get all of your primary complaints out and make
sure you put your genuine feelings into it.
Ex.: Dear Rachel, I’m sorry you feel like I’m arrogant in social situations.
You’re right that I probably feel insecure at times, but I feel a need to cut
you down because you dominate every social interaction we’re in. You
know I’m a quiet guy. So why don’t you ever ask me for my input or
encourage me to be a part of the conversation more? …
Try to empathize with them as much as possible as you write. If you find
yourself continuing to blame them or make them look like an asshole in
the second letter, then you’re doing it wrong. Start over and honestly try to
inhabit their perspective.
What you may find when doing the second letter is that you actually
uncover legitimate criticisms of yourself that you were not aware of
before. If this happens, then you’re definitely on the right track because
not only are you beginning to see their perspective, you’re also beginning
to get a more objective perspective on your own behavior that you didn’t
have before.
Ex.: Dear Rachel and John, it seems that the two of you are both insecure
in larger social situations. You’re both choosing to deal with your
discomfort in different ways that are not helping the other person…
The whole exercise takes maybe 30 minutes and the results are great. Not
only do you feel less attached to the hurt and pain afterward, but you’ve
also forced yourself to empathize with the other person’s needs and taken a
more objective perspective on the conflict yourself.
At some point you have to confront your partner about the issue. Sometimes the
issue will force itself, but usually one of you needs to speak up about what’s
going on. This isn’t easy, or fun. In fact, it’s downright uncomfortable.
Another cold, hard truth: just as you can’t force somebody to change, you can’t
force somebody to resolve a conflict no matter what kind of relationship you
have. And any attempts to coerce or bribe your partner into it will only piss them
off and push them away more.
The reason is that coercion negates the person’s autonomy and personal choice.
Conflict resolution is worthless unless it’s based on the free will of both parties.
So even if you do decide that a relationship matters enough for you to change it,
and even if you’ve gone through the work to widen your perspective and
understand the other person’s needs, you still can’t force the other person to do
the same. They have to reach the same point on their own accord, or not at all.
If the other person is not on board, there’s nothing you can do other than to wait
silently, or move on.
4. HOW CAN WE FIX THIS?
Once you and your partner are openly communicating about the problem, it’s
time to find a resolution. The key here is to focus less on specific behavior and
instead focus on needs.
For instance, if your boyfriend is always criticizing you, don’t blame him or tell
him to stop being critical. Tell him that it’s important for you to feel that he
supports you and approves of you and when he criticizes you, especially in front
of other people, you don’t feel that way. From there, he’s likely to tell you that,
in his mind, his criticisms are his way of supporting you.
From there, you two can agree to find a new behavior that you’re both
comfortable with.
For some of you, I’m sure the thought of speaking about this stuff to the people
you love strikes you as weird or uncomfortable. You may think your partner will
get really uncomfortable and brush you off.
I thought the same thing. And sometimes, you will be brushed off. But it’s been
surprising how universal this method is. Speaking to people’s emotional needs is
not only universal, but I’ve found that people jump on the opportunity when
presented because it’s presented to them so seldom.
But the best part is that the process itself validates the important feelings
underlying the problems — your boyfriend is critical of you because he cares,
your girlfriend is arrogant only because she feels insecure around you, and you
get angry because you’re afraid she won’t like you anymore.
On and on.
This is vulnerability in action . And it’s the glue that binds our relationships
together and holds us close.
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[2] Damasio, A. R. (1994). Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain . New York:
Putnam.
[3] Marston, P. J., Hecht, M. L., Manke, M. L., Mcdaniel, S., & Reeder, H. (1998). The subjective
experience of intimacy, passion, and commitment in heterosexual loving relationships . Personal
Relationships , 5 (1), 15–30.
[4] Acker, M., & Davis, M. H. (1992). Intimacy, passion and commitment in adult romantic relationships:
A test of the triangular theory of love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , 9 (1), 21–50.
[5] Baumeister, R. F., Dale, K., & Sommer, K. L. (1998). Freudian defense mechanisms and empirical
findings in modern social psychology: Reaction formation, projection, displacement, undoing, isolation,
sublimation, and denial. Journal of Personality , 66 (6), 1081–1124.