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How Game Theory Can Help You Be Smart About Relationships
How Game Theory Can Help You Be Smart About Relationships
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OK, so…yes. The idea of this might seem a little strange. At first.
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Fair enough.
Yes, relationships are about fluttering hearts and opera and all that.
Relationships also take place here in the real world, where we have limited
choices, finite resources, and only so much time, energy, and emotional
wounds to go around. In this realm, there are predators and prey, triumphs
and trauma, and navigating the treacherous terrain of relationships in the
modern world can be like working your way through a minefield.
This means a lot of folks are now completely on their own in figuring all
this out. (And by "this," we mean navigating the minefield. In a jungle.)
But Game Theory can be a handy tool that can help out here.
(And yes, this does means viewing certain aspects of all this as a “game.”
But this doesn't mean it can't be deadly serious. If it’s effective enough to
help leaders of nations figure out how to avoid nuclear war (which it is
used for, among other things), it might be useful for the rest of us, too.)
The above isn’t a formula (we aren’t into the actual theory yet) – more like
general guidelines to start the ball rolling. There are smart moves in
navigating relationships. And there are dumb ones. (We’ve all made some
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of those.) There are no guarantees (“all is fair in love and war”), but we can
work to improve our odds.
So, can Game Theory really provide a framework that might help us
navigate this jungle?
Let’s see.
Imagine you and your partner just got caught stealing jewels, red-handed,
by the police.
Both you and your partner-in-crime are now being interrogated, each in
different rooms.
1) If you confess to the crime and spill the beans on your partner, you’ll
go home, free as a bird. (Your partner will go to prison for 10 years.)
2) But that’s assuming that your partner doesn’t spill the beans on you.
If that happens (if both of you confess and spill the beans on each
other), then you’ll each get 5 years in the klink.
3) If you say nothing to the police, but your partner spills the beans on
you, then you’ll get a 10 year stretch.
4) If neither of you spills the beans the beans on the other, then you’ll
each get two years in lockup.
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Even if you aren’t a jewel thief, this can still be a useful little puzzle.
Let’s imagine that a guy and a girl are out on a first date. The girl puts him
to the test by laying out the above scenario to him, and asks him what he
would do if he was in that situation.
For example, he might say: “Easy. I’d rat my partner out. No question.”
Also revealing. He’s digging deeper. Not impulsive. Also, just by asking the
question, it reveals that he might consider spilling beans on some folks, but
not others. Also good to know.
So, our little inquiry into game theory is already yielding some fruit. And
we’ve barely started.
From here, our cute little couple could run through a few different
scenarios.
They could imagine, for example, the two criminals were childhood friends
and trusted each other.
“Then,” the guy might say, “I’d definitely rat my partner out. Because then
I’d know my friend wouldn’t rat me out, and he wouldn’t be expecting me
to do it to him. So I’d get off, free as a bird! Ha! I win!”
Again, good to know. (And a good time for her to end the date.)
So here – without even getting into game theory itself – is one possible
benefit of it: using it as a way to get folks to reveal things about themselves
that are probably good to know.
Now let’s dig a little deeper into how we can apply this.
If the two jewel thieves trust and love each other, what will happen?
Neither will spill the beans on the other. They’ll each get two years in the
pokey.
According to game theory (meaning, the math checks out on this), this is
the best possible outcome when considering the couple as a whole, defined
as total time served (4 years in Club Fed.)
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Or, worst-case scenario (or what science might call “a marriage with some
serious problems”) where both partners would turn on each other. 10 years
hard time.
Not exactly what we were aiming for (we aren’t finished yet) but it’s a nice
little bonus.
But it gets juicier as we look more into what all this means.
Going off script from game theory here (but we’ll come back.)
The core of the matter here is 1) trust, and 2) what one person is willing to
do for another.
And not only that, they’re willing to sacrifice things for the other person’s
happiness. (In the dilemma, each partner is willing to expose themselves to
the risk of spending either 2, 5, or 10 years in the slammer.)
In the other scenarios, the couple turns on each other. Either one turns on
the other, or they both do. This means there’s either a breakdown of 1)
trust and affection, or 2) what one partner is willing to do for the other.
Meaning, this could be a way to say “I want the kind of relationship where
each partner trusts each other and is willing to sacrifice things for the
other. Meaning, I want the kind of relationship that would reach the best
possible outcome in the Prisoner’s Dilemma.”
Granted, it's not The Notebook Part 2: Love Strikes Back. Fair enough.
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Let’s imagine a scenario where a married couple has a baby that wakes up
in the middle of the night.
(Let’s make all other variables equal: we’ll say both parents work and have
the same hours, both are tired and want sleep, neither are night-owls, etc.)
Now let’s say you’re one of the parents, and you hear the baby crying. And
you can’t tell if your partner is asleep or awake.
Option B: you wait silently in the dark and hope your partner takes care of
it.
Let’s say you choose Option A. This means you’re willing to make a
sacrifice (of sleep) for the sake of a cute little crying munchkin. We’ll call
you a “Giver” in this situation.
This means they’re also willing to make the same sacrifice. They’re a
“Giver” too.
Both wake up and try to help. If only one person is needed, they figure out
some kind of “Nash Equilibrium” (yes, from the movie "A Beautiful Mind")
– an optimum solution such as taking turns.
Which means this: having two “Givers” results in what game theory would
describe as the “best possible outcome.” (Like serving 4 years downtown in
the jewel thief scenario.)
Now, at least one partner waits silently in the dark, hoping the other
partner will take care of it.
If there’s a Giver and a Taker, the Giver will be exhausted while the Taker
appears to get off, free as a bird (at least in the short-term.) Or if there are
two Takers, well…not pretty.
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Of course, life is usually messier than models like these can capture.
One parent being a heavier sleeper, for example, might throw everything
off (because they’re appearing to be a “Taker” when really, they’re just
unconscious.)
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Because we’ve barely scratched the surface of game theory itself. It’s a
powerful tool, and there’s a lot more interesting stuff we could explore
along these lines. But we’ll say we’ve played enough for now.
And trust, and be selfless sometimes, and maybe aim for relationships with
a partner that will adopt the same strategy.
If you enjoyed this, consider joining LiveReal (https://www.livereal.com/join/) for way more.
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