The Confession

"Kindness is earned, not given."

I still believe, and will always be, that not everyone is born with a wicked disposition. I keep
on looking; no matter how scarce the resources may seem, which losing hope is not an option; that
out there, there is a small portion of communities where the kindness that is given and shown is not
based on social status, race, personality, or attitude; that equal treatment is fair and just; yet, sadly to
say, I was disappointed.

But first of all, I’ll tell you a story.

One day, when my mind was pure, practically nuances to the surroundings and real world
scenarios and I believed that life was a rainbow that full of happiness, and everyone was working
together for the greater good, I held my head high and applied to the university after I failed to
acquire my passion at my previous university, looking for betterment and wishing that everything
would go according to what I planned. Clearly, the offer is too good to be true because I believe hat it
was true and who would in their right mind to oofer a false expectation just to gain number, right?
Sure enough, I respected them with all of my heart.

While I was observing the situations, I noticed how brilliant and lavishly they treated the new
students, including transfer students like me.They are like a goddess to me: so pure, the radiance of
kindness is emanating, and the mind is so rich that, rightfully, I pleaded instantly for my utmost
support for respect and untainted loyalty for them. The only problem was this, truth to be told, was in
me. There is a problem inside of me, its like, I was born not to care for the things that is happening
around me. It’s as if, what may came will happen and I don’t have any power to stop those
circumstances. Also, I believe that nothing that happened is because its have reason, I believe what
happening is your chocie and it is only the outcome of such choice.

There are some instances where I heard unfortunate remarks about them, and you know what
I did? I chose to believe in my own mind that it was just their own understanding and opinion, and I
do respect what their opinion was. I did not declare that their remarks were rightfully made, because
everyone of us is given the right to burst out what we believe is correct based on our own
understanding. I let go of that, and I still respected them and was kind to them. This is the problem in
me, eventhough I knew that something was wrong and they treated me inappropriate, I tend to be
respectful, no matter what the circumstances. I always smiling, dissing the idea thtat everyone around
me is now nervous because of the situation, but to me, it was just a phase.

Later, more likely as months and years passed, so did the sharp point of a pencil became;
slowly but surely, it became dull. While it was becoming dull and the writing was starting to move in
different ways, they showed their own skin. Clearly, as my respect rooted deeper, I disowned my own
idea that it was not their fault but rather mine and that of my fellow schoolmates. Yes, we accepted it,
yet, on the other hand, we knew that some acts or treatments were inappropriate for such
professionals with such high ranks. I say this because I believe that when a person attains a certain
maturity, they tend to acquire much more ideas, understanding, and knowledge that may help them
combat such a hurdle. They will use “such” a solution to lessen the outcome as much as possible,
resulting in a much more peaceful conclusion. Still, I remain sane to expand my respect for and
understanding of the situation. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, it was not a good day for them.
Maybe there was an underlying circumstance that worked behind those actions. It may have been
rude sometimes and unacceptable. And yet, I disclose this observation of mine. I continue to show my
respect for them, hidden from their watchful eyes.
 But sadly to say, the punch was much stronger this time, and the outcome became an idea to
me that there are some people who, no matter how much you respected them, would return to you
differently. They use the maxim that they are humans, and humans are expected to make mistakes,
and it was fine. But for me, it was not.

Still, I promise myself to respect them with all my might. It’s not in my position to disown
my own beliefs just to be rude to them or just to be like them.

Moreover, I just came to the realization that when a person attains a higher position in life,
they tend to care less about what is and who was below them. They use the power bestowed upon
them to make others feel sorry for them and to exercise their dictatorship because they believe that it
is the right thing to do and that the person below them will not hesitate to climb up and act viciously
for them. They did that to show that their opinions matter and those lower than them do not; they
always forced the idea that they were correct, that their remarks and actions held greater authority,
and tended to result in a positive way. They believed that as long as they showed kindness to their
superior, they would get more respect, but did otherwise to get less. It’s just completely useless, I
must say.

I do believe that my understanding of such things lacks logical reasoning and needs further
maturity to understand why they act like that. But I was wrong; they completely praised their bosses,
showed them kindness, kissed their hands, while rolling their eyes, and acted differently toward those
below them. Such turtle nonsense, but hey, I still believe that someday they will realize something.
That it was okay to be kind, not looking at their race, position in life, or attitude. I just wish that they
would not experience the trauma they injected into other people as their own. I was afraid that they
wouldn’t handle the trauma they’d cause.

# 2. They just don’t f*cking care.

When I was in my secondary school, me and my friends were talking that we should retaliate
the experiences – more likely, the bad experiences to our future-soon-to-be students. As a teenager
back then, I did not think of what we are discusisng about nad hoping to happen. It was later on that
we, I myself, experience such inapproapriate treatment.

My personality is pretty much introverted. Maybe it was the results of my childhood trauma,
which I would not write in this essay, because it was much more confidential, let us say, and I wan’t
to protect the privacy of others that involve. As an introverted, I focus myself to indulge in reading
various wrtings, like books, watching educational movies and films, of such sorts. And I hate to make
myself getting tired with exercise and other strenous activities. That is why, when there is a school
activity and program, I decided not to attend any of the occassions. Another trauma, I guess.

A trauma in such events is by the cause of the poverty that we born with. Of course, this was
not a problem nor fault of my parents, that we are born below poverty line. As I remember right away
as I was writing this, when I was in my elementary days, there was a boy scout program and activities
that will be held in the district, meaning far from my current address and requires money to pay the
registration and the expenses of such events. To tell you the truth, I want to join the events, I asked
my parents to ready my dress because I was exepcting to join my classmates and school mates to go
to the venue and spend atleast two to three days. But, so the story goes, we can’t afford even the
registration and I pulled from the list of students to join the program.

Another experience that give me better udnerstanding of our situation in life is the Saturday
program that held in our school, specifically those students who want to have additional points in
their grades and have a tendency to join the math contest. Of course, I attended, with my fellow
classmates. Most of them are a children of teachers, men in uniform, and others, whilst mine was only
the vendor of “kakanin”. And how lucky I am that my mother gave me money to pay only the
downpayment first, later on the balance when we have enough cash to spend. Every Saturday, our
math instructor teach us basic to expert level of mathematics, which, to tell you the truth, does not
goes into my mind. I don’t understanding such a thing. But, to make my family proud and the money
that e pay worthwhile, I continue to attend the session. I think the session was seven days every
Saturday. As the time was nearer to an edn, the problem and shyness was starting to arise. The
instructor, also our teacher always asking me when I will pay the balance. I always replied that I will
asked my mother. But as time goes by, I did not pay the remaining balanced. Fortunately, I think my
teacher was tired of asking me over and over again, dismissed the idea of paying my balance. And so,
I survive the unfortunate situations.

Eventhough I was a kid that time, I knew something was wrong. Of course, as a son of a not-
so-well family, the previledge has a very wide gap. In my young mind, I was aking to myself, why
some of my classmates when my teacher was talking to them was calm and with love and care?
Opposite to me and to other students? And why when the parents of my classmates was in the school,
my teacher attended them personally and with glee, oppose to mine? Is there something wrong? And,
we passed the same output with almost the same content and mine has a lot of personal effor, but why
some of my classmates have a higher marks than mine? Is it because I only handwritten my output
and use paste and second-hand materials while them was printed? I don’t quite fathom the situation
that time.

Secondary. The start of my excessive observant and excruciatingly introverted. Maybe

because of reading various books why my mind became a little more mature and could fathom the
situation surroundng me, I could clearly spot the dirrences and pin point the true cost of the state of
affairs.

Bias and family connections. If you are a son of a governor or a family with a higher postion,
they will treat you like gods, that needs to be protected nand shower with priviledges. On the other
hand, if your family was only selling “kakanin” they will oust you completely and erase you of the
previlidge. And that is why, I promise to myself to be strong, to be smart enough to atleast rasie my
family and myself from this unhumane treatment. I struck my heart telling to act very cold. Changing
my way of thinking into more practical and dissing the improper happenings in my surroundings. Ind
oing so, I attain to ve careless very tightly and yet I did not dismissed to be respectful to others. I
chose to be fair to everyone, I don’t care if you are a president’s son’s, mayor’s relative,
senorito/senorita, poor, in my eyes and in my treatment, you are nothing, more nor less. In my mind
you are the same as everyone else, as to myself. If you don’t respect others, then it’s not my problem.
Atleast for me, we know for ourselves, especially for our family, that we respect others.

In terms of tertiary education, as my experience slightly as its peak, the observation that I
noticed became more clear and dangerous. Not only I knew if something was wrong, but the
manipulation and use of power by others clearly emanating into my mind. I’m not a vocal person nor
speak what’s in my mind, but deep inside, I was shouting, I was showing resistance. But what could I
do? I’m only a mere puppet, mouth shut and resistance is futile. They are self-made gods and whilst
me was a dump in the dirt. They can do whatever they want with their so-called connections.
 But worry not, I am mature enough not to plot my retaliation nor seek revenge. I do not have
the capacity to change their attitude nor limit correct their mistakes. Its their choice, to be that, to be
inhuman, just because they hold a higher authority it doesn’t mean they just exercise that in return to
make trauma to lower to them. We only asked and promise that no matter the situation, we must
remain calm, be respectful and show integrity to remain standing, no matter what they threw on us. If
not today which changes is imposibble, just maybe, maybe we would be in their position, higher
enough, we promise to exercise our authority that both benefit everyone nad not making other’s feel
lower nor just a dirt. Just like what did I told my classmates: “Let them be with their treatment. Let us
just promise not to copy their attitude in the future and only do what will be correct, with both dignity
and just for everybody”. I know it’s not much, but atleast we knew, even it is a speack of just, we
make a small difference. We make someone feel important and give them respect even though they
deserve it or not.

#3. Date: June 5, 2023

A month before I enter the full manhood of myself. It is neither good nor exciting, in fact, it
was alarming. On July, first week, I will be greeted with my Bachelor’s Degree in English Language,
and a new diploma, much less for the accomplishment, but a diploma, that serves as a ticket, to enter
into the real world.

If you read this, I was probably not in this world anymore, but there is one thing that I want to
tell everyone, especially my mom, dad, ate, manang, norman and claire, I was afraid. Not of dying or
no ever sense, what I was afraid on was moving into another world without helping you in any means.
I am very much afraid that there are things that I would not, in my entire existence, I will tell you. I
promise to myself that this secret will followed me to my deathbed. I am feeling down, useless, and a
“reject” of an adult, or a child.

If, by any chance, you will come across this writing, I will say that I am very much grateful
for all the things that you’ve done to me. The insurmountable support, be it love and financially,
which I lack to return to everyone. I accepts in my heart that I am very much an ungrateful mongrel, a
narcissistic borne-child, ungrateful for the beautiful things in life. I was selfish. That is why, I knew
my soul to everyone to ask for their forgiveness, asking for pretention that I may soon give you all
heartache, forever embedded in your heart. I know it will not be easy at first, but, believe, time will
heal everything. And when the time that you all decided to forgive me by any chance, decide to forget
me into nothingness, I would be said, it will be fine for me. It is a great pleasure that you forgive and
forget me and let me rest in peace. I will go first, band if by any chance He is real, that someday we
will see each other again, I will always sell my soul to give you a betterment the world could offer. I
will ask Him to guide you in your everyday life, shower you all the good things in the world, make
you happy, and will cherish each and every day of your lives.

Its okay to shed tears, but I wish you all that after all the preparations, I want you to move
forward, no matter how long it may be, I wish everyone to forget me. No need to scold yourself, or
anyone. No one commits sin to me. It is only sin that even though it gives me torment for almost three
long years now, it makes me happy, I feel happy. That is why, I will asked you to don’t “sisi”
whomever you think it is. They are not wrong, nor anything else. The only defected is myself, that is
all.