“THE BREAKFAST BUNCH SCRIPT”

André: Well, this is a great way to spend a Saturday.

Tori: I have never had detention before.

Robbie: I'm kind of nervous.

Jade: If you hadn't made us late for class, we wouldn't be here.

Robbie: I was choking on a pretzel.

André: Well, why you always got to be choking on something.

Beck: Uh, give him a break.

Tori: Yeah, it's not Robbie's fault he has a petite throat.

Robbie: It's average!

Rex: Ha!

Tori: Hey, who’s in charge of detention anyway?

André: Vice Principal.

Jade: Dickers.

[Vice Principal Dickers enters.]

VP Dickers: Morning, waz-bags. Detention is that way, in the library. Get ready for the worst day of your
lives. [Pointing up the stairs towards library]

[Cat enters.]

Cat: Yay! We're at school on a Saturday. [Cat laughs.]

VP Dickers: [Yelling and pointing] LIBRARY!!!!!!!!!

[Tori, Cat, Jade, Beck, André, Robbie walk up the stairs.]

Jade: All right.

Cat: Don't have to yell at me.

.......................................................... (scene 1 ends) ............................................................

[In the library]

VP Dickers: Well, well, its 7:06 AM here in Los Angeles. That means in Australia, it's yesterday. Or
tomorrow.
[Robbie puts his hand up.]

Robbie: You know, in Australia, when you flush the toilet, the water swirls backwards.

VP Dickers: Put a sock in it, Afro.

VP Dickers: You clowns are gonna sit here all day, and think about why you're in detention.

[Jade spits chewing gum in the air, and Rex catches and puts it in his mouth. Rex chuckles.]

VP Dickers: Now, cellphones, let's have them.

Beck: Why?

VP Dickers: Because in detention, there are no phone calls.

Beck: What about texting?

VP Dickers: No.

André: Email?

VP Dickers: No!

Tori: Can we play Grumpy Gerbils?

Cat: I love Grumpy Gerbils!

Robbie: I can't get past level 23.

VP Dickers: Zip it, corn pie.

Jade: Can we have corn pie?

VP Dickers: Shut up!

[Brief pause]

VP Dickers: Phones!

[Dickers holds a box as students get up and put their cellphones in the box.]

VP Dickers: Now, I'm going to put your box of phones right here.

[Dickers puts them on top of the bookshelf. Tori then raises her hand]

VP Dickers: What, "princess"?

Tori: I was just wondering what the plan is for lunch.

VP Dickers: Well if you pre-turds get hungry, there's a big plate of tuna right here! (points to it)

Robbie: Um, technically, sir, if perishable foods aren't kept at either below 34 degrees or above 140
degrees-

VP Dickers: Pipe down, side salad! Eat the tuna or starve! I could care less.
Andre: I think you mean you couldn't care less.

VP Dickers: What's that?

Beck: You said you could care less.

Tori: Which implies that you do care, at least a little bit.

VP Dickers: I don't.

Beck: Well, then you should have said, you couldn't care less.

Robbie: But you did not.

Cat: Hey, what about the guy who first landed on the moon? He said "One small step for man." I
would've just said "Oh, my god, I'm on the moon!" (Beck smiles)

VP Dickers: Alright, not another word!

Jade: Word.

VP Dickers: That's it, West, you just bought yourself another Saturday detention.

Jade: Did I get a good deal on it?

VP Dickers: You just bought yourself another one! (Cat yelps and buries her head in her hood)

Jade: Okay, look, I'm sorry, I apologize.

VP Dickers: That's three! Three Saturdays!

Tori: But she was apologizing!

VP Dickers: Okay, Vega, now you got one!

Tori: Why?

VP Dickers: Boom! Another one!

Tori: I don't want another one!

VP Dickers: That's three! You want to to try for four?

Tori: I REALLY don't.

VP Dickers: That's four! You want five?

Jade: YES!!

VP Dickers: Okay, Vega, you just got 5!

Tori: What?!

Cat: Tori! [mouths] Stop.

Tori: Stop what? Jade said yes!

Rex: I guess he's afraid to give one to Robbie. (Robbie covers Rex's mouth as Mr. Dickers comes to him)

VP Dickers: (To Rex) Oh, yeah? I got one for you, too, Fudge Sack! Anybody else? Huh? Anybody?

[No one speaks]

VP Dickers: You mess with the cow... you get the udders.

[Dickers leaves the library as the door closes.]

Tori: FORGET YOU!!!

……………………………………………………………. (scene 2 ends) ………………………………………………………………

Beck: You know what I could go for right now?

Andre: Tacos?

Beck: How´d you know?

Andre: I felt you, dawg.

Tori: [sighing] Tacos do sound really good right now.

Jade: I´m down for tacos.

Robby: Yeah, I love tacos.

Jade: Look who´s being really quiet.

Cat: I´m just not that hungry right now.

Jade: Yeah, why don´t you tell everyone the truth?

Cat: Leave me alone.

Andre: What´s going on here?

Jade: Our pristine little friend Cat… has never had a taco.

Cat: I´m not that pristine. Wait, what´s pristine mean?

Jade: Are you a vegan?

Tori: Hey! Leave her alone.

Jade: What are you gonna do if I don´t know?

Tori: Well, I might just go online… to the slap… and unfriend you.

Cat: [gasping]

Jade: Oh, really?

Tori: Two clicks. One to unfriend you and one to confirm. That I really want to unfriend you.
Andre: Hey, come on you all. How are we going to get some tacos?

Tori: I could call Trina, ask her to pick some up and leave them in my locker.

Robby: You´re so conceited, Tori…. So conceited. [Sniffing]

Tori: What?

…………………………………………………………… (scene 3 ends) ……………………………………………………………….

Tori: Ohhh, still warm.

Andre: Well, they were in Robbie´s pants.

Beck: Can you not say that again?

Andre: Ohh, man. This taco…. It´s got me pumped!

Beck: I think he´s gonna run dance.

All: Ohhh yeah!!! Woooow!!

*Dance*

…………………………………………………………… (scene 4 ends) ………………………………………………………………

Jade: See you next Saturday.

…………………………………………………………… (scene 5 ends) ……………………………………………………………

Card for Mr. Dickers:

Andre: Mr. Dickers, goodbye for all us.

Robby: A puppet.

Tori: A future pop stars.

Beck: A musician.

Andre: An actor.

Robby: A nerd with temporarily straight hair.

Jade: A girl who likes scissors

Cat: And me.

Cat: they can´t see you, baby.

Cat: Oh. It´s Cat. Bye.

Andre: Sincerely. The breakfast Bunch. Even though we never had breakfast as a bunch.

…………………………………………………………. (scene 6 ends) …………………………………………………………………