Be be a ‘ “ maf e cane get rd of i. He 98 the yg pater oer vi bales ‘baby and he’s smele of vodig sa ‘bring it to your atten “y |. Well I just wanted to bring’ ear pe edipensa fad Wha Gagan calls 4 inte Jetter—I have nothing to say on that Score, such thing as @ man with no sins on his conscience. Thats te miei tiered ie ep war a say* = , Sie ose Dar wns You consider to be “lite sine, Anion 4M Antonovich? Tmean, there are sins and sins, P f out vi front of nal aftr er INSPECTOR OF spok San Tearnin 'M quite prepared evel to admit that T take brbes—but what sore of teteel ‘him ot Puppies. They don’t really cgunt, rt Babyl Fon Qk se Hey de: puis‘ whatever, they sl ie Sec suc. Come now, Anton Antonovich ‘What about when — Sale ‘coep 2 so0-rouble Fur cout, or a shaw for his wit a MAYOR. Allright: EG maybe you do only take borzai puppies, But me then you don't belive in God and you neve, 80 to church, At ‘east ma devout, church-going man But you... Lknow all about INSE trough 22 S3R salking about the cretion ofthe ae : nough to make one’s har stand on end, bse. Wel that’s the way T thought it out, for myself, ak ett it Would be beter nt ohn al an _ ink too much. Anyway, T just thought P’d mention the court Pose, but to tell the truth, no ones likely to go in there: you're You Lajstl Patton, it mustbe under dine protection, As for You, Laka Lukich, as inspector 1B about of schools you Teally must do your . T realize that they're leamed ‘men, and went to vari rious colleges, but their belsnioariree tremely odd, which | meee Only to be expected with all that ite ig. But there's one of them. Now, the one with the fat face... VS lon’ recat his ‘Taker at et up behind his desk without fv — ‘a Ee ey foes, lke this (pulls a fae) and ao ( ei . Hn : i i : Course, ‘When he pulls nis ee eth tobe 7 ®¢ faces in front of his pupils it may not cal ch, it ma even be ni T’'m no judge of these ‘Sng, bat us map CT happen if he starts doing it inleony Kanenlad ye. The Government Inspector 253 front of our visitor? The Governme tk personal affront. There could be ee hal ofa le take it as a iNSPECTOR OF SCHOOLS. Task you: already spoken to him about erupt cach with Mat Fz day, when the Marshal* came into the eae joe the Fae he like of which P've never seen know he does Ce ise ot his ea, bt then [et holed oes area ie fends of the young with free-thinkng ideas SE scour] MAYOR. | ‘master. You can see he’s a m: learning, and he knows his subject inside out, but tame carried away with it that he quite forgets himself. I listened to him, once—S0 Tong as he was talking about che Assyrians and Babylonians he was fine, ut the moment he got on to Alexander fusin the ‘Great—honest to God: I thought the ace was on fire! He rom behind his desk, picked up @ .der was a great man, yor. Then there’s the history leapt out MP ng down on the flor. All sight, AES a Those chars cmt teres ‘but that’s nO money, you kno INSPECTOR OF scHOOLS. Yes, he’s certait brought it to his attention , His answer's always the same: PYoumay say what you lke, but Tilby of knowledge” = VU seems inexplicable law of fate with clever men: 0 aebey go about pun 025 5° 4 ! ie. Government money: mayor. It ther they have to be dr « hideous they would make icons CH 3 espe? { anyone ebb oe 00 Kc poses in and intet= INSPECTOR OF scHOOLS. Se a weryone pokes theit on, yore ne ye thee Gust as learned a8 the next if it wasn't for t he avon. Yes, wel, all that woul en mae ete his i ne a et patel ’s Pere? —“Lyapkin: TY9t Ff ei the Joe ‘who's the ‘Warden yan say. ‘And tell me, # eM Ten hah me Zee!ass The Government Inspector SCENE II [The same, with the POSTMASTER.] POSTMASTER. What's all this about some government official? Mayor. What, haven't you heard? postMAsTER. I heard something ftom Pyotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky, Just now, in the post office. — Mayor. So? What do you think? PostMAsTER. What do I think? I think we're going to war with Turkey. yupce. Exactly! Just what I thought! Mayor. Now they're both barking up the wrong tree! postmaster. No, t's obvious! War with the Turks—it's the French up to their dirty tricks again. Mayor. War with the Turks, my foot! We're the ones who're going to suffer, not the Turks. That's a fact: I've had a letter. PostMasTER. Ah, a letter! Then it’s not war with the Turks. Mayor. Now, what do you say to that, Ivan Kuzmich? POSTMASTER, Me? More to the point, what do you say to it, Anton ‘Antonovich? Mayor. Me? Ob, I’m not worried, not very much, It’s true the G stgplaegen snd ty Ik bother me a bit, they complain I've fe time, but let me tell you, if I do take the a [odd bid inp th them I do it without any malice. As a matter of fact, [have a sneaking feeling Teale Be y Tie arm, draws him 1) 10 one side] someone might have informed.on me. Otherwise why on . __ should they send an inspector to us? Listen, Ivan Kuzmich, don’t you think you might perhaps, for the benefit of us all, just take every letter which goes through your post office, and, you know, ne steam it open a little and see what it’s about, if it's anyone «K informing, or just run of-the-mill correspondence? If it’s harm- ae io ali it up again. Actually, you can even deliver it like that, OSTMASTER. Oh I know the way... No need to tell me, I do it oy Tyo anyway, but not to check up on people... more out of curiosity, Ow $Reveowl The Government Inspector ain 25 realy Jam just devilish curious about what's going on in the world. And let me tell you, letters make fascinating reading... ‘Some are such a delight to read—the way they describe things, ie so edifying, too... Sometimes better than anything i iP foscow Gazettel* Qveny re i mayor. Well, in that case tell me, didn’t ing aber i, , didn’t you read bout some official from St Petersburg? —Cufe coy a POSTMASTER. No, nothing about a et official. Plenty about Kostroma and Saratov ie you don’t read the letters, you don’t know what you're missing. Just re- cently, in a letter to his friend, a lieutenant described a ball in quite the most audacious... really a fine description: ‘My life, my dear friend, unfolds, as they say, in the Empyrean sphere: flags unfurling, bands playing, ladies aplenty... Yes, written with great, great feeling. I even kept it for myself. Shall I read it to you? Op pulan, layish Mayor. This is hardly the time, But do mea favour, Ivan Kuzmich, if you should happen to get one with any complaints or denun- ciations in it, then don’t hesitate to intercept it, have no qualms about it, cyivvhet ack fe cover cyiwad ach POSTMASTER. Why, of course, with great pleasure. sunce. You'd better be careful, you two, or you'll find yourselves in hot water. ent POSTMASTER. God forbid! Mayor. Nonsense. It’s not as if we're going to make them public knowledge; this is strictly confidential, you understand? \F june. Yes, there’s a nasty smell in the air. As a matter of fact, I ‘was just coming to see you, Anton Antonovich, with a little trea lorefoe, # Puppy. From the same litter as that handsome hound of, you know the one I mean, You've hear, of couse, yest is suing Varkhovinsky splendid for me(L Jan have hunting on both their mae. bribes = fee welt, Mayor. For heaven’s sake! Don’t talk to me about your hunting now: I can’t get this damned incognito out of my head. Any minute I expect the door to open—and lo and behold.it Inspector 256 The Government Insp SCENE III [The same, with DOBCHINSKY and BOBCHINSKY; both eniy out of breath.) BOBCHINSKY. A most extraordinary thing! es 1 fe q “3 DOBCHINSKY. A quite unexpected thing! é ‘ALL. What? What is it? gull DoBCHINSKY. Something che unforeseen. We ju - popped fy we fg fal fee slo able BOBCHINSKY [int Baie T’'d just popped into the inn with = al Pyotr Ivanovich. ous BOBCHINSKY Uinterupting]. Pray, allow me, Pyotr Ivanovich, I'l toy : tell the story. BOBCHINSKY. No, no, on the contrary, allow me... you can't tell stories properly. DOBCHINSKY. But you'll get muddled and forget all the important things. BOBCHINSKY. I most certainly will not. And I beg you not to interrupt; let me tell the story, and don’t interrupt. Do me a favour, gentlemen, and tell Pyotr Ivanovich not to interrupt. MAYOR. What is allthis? For the love of God, get on with it—this is unbearable. Do sit down, gentlemen! Here, Pyotr Ivanovich, take this chair! [Tey all sit round the two PYOTR IVANOVICHES.] Well now, what is all this about? BOBCHINSKY. Allow me: P'll get it all in the proper order. Pd just had the pleasure of leaving you right after you'd received that a Oupsetting letter, yes, Pd just said goodbye to you and... now, aa please, Pyotr Ivanovich, don’t interrupt! I can remember every: ( thing. So, as I was saying, Fc ae But Korobkin ‘wasn't at home, so I dropped in on Rastakovsky, but Rastakovsky ‘was out, So then I called on Ivan Kuzmich to tell him your news, and when I left him I bumped into Pyotr Ivanovich. DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Near the stall where they sell meat pies. _The Government Inspector 257 BOBCHINSKY. Near the stall where they sell meat pies. So when I saw Pyotr Ivanovich, I said to him: ‘Have you heard the news Anton Antonovich Got in his letter—from a reliable source?” But Pyotr Ivanovich had already heard about it from your house- keeper, Avdotya, who'd just been sent round to Filipp Antonovich Pochechuev’s for something or other. tio mud DOBCHINSKY [fnterrupting]. For a French brandy keg. BOBCHINSKY [pushing aay DORCHINSKY's hands]. For a riggie t brandy keg. And then Pyotr Ivanovich and I went to Pochechuev’s... Now please, Pyotr Ivanovich, realy... I must ask you not to interrupt... We were on our way to Pochechuev’s whei SUtIEnly PYOE Ivanovich says: ‘Let’s pop into the inn, I’ve had nothing to eat since this morning and my stomach’s starting to rumble’—Pyotr Ivanovich’s stomach, that is—‘and they've just delivered some fresh salmon to the inn,’ he says, ‘we could have a bite to eat.” And no sooner do we enter the inn than this young man— DOBCHINSKY. Not badly turned out, but in mufti. BOBCHINSKY. Not badly turned out, but in mufti, starts strolling about the room with such a thoughtful look on his face... and such features... manners... and obviously with plenty up here. [Waves his hand around his head.] And suddenly it hits me, some- thing like a premonition, and I turn to Pyotr Ivanovich and say: "You know, there’s something funny about all this.” And Pyotr Ivanovich just snaps his fingers for the innkeeper, you know, old Vlas: his wife had a baby three weeks ago, such a bright little cchap, too, he'll be running an inn himself one of these days, just like his dad. So Pyotr Ivanovich whispers to old Vlas: ‘Who is that young man?” he asks; and Vlas says: “That,’ he says... Look, don’t interrupt, Pyotr Ivanovich, please stop interrupting. You can't tell a story properly, you've got a lisp; you know very well you have, one of your teeth whistles when you talk... Anyway, “That young man,’ he says, ‘is an offical, he is, come from St Petersburg. Name of Ivan Alexandrovich Khlestakov, and,’ says old Vias, ‘he’s on his way to Saratov province,* and there’s something fishy’, says old Vlas, ‘about the way he’s been carrying on: this is the second week he’s been here, he never leaves the inn, has everything charged to his account, and won’t part withVeliokéL ly ob The Goverment Injector oe wafrtealcO™ a gle cope And when Thad thi deny ay susvon No, r,t wi toe “Aba sto Pyotr Fanovich—~ = Terenas oBCHINSKY. No, Pyotr Ivanovich, it was me that sid ‘Akal? Senaaet owcuinsey. Wel you side rst then Tt Aba we i, Oh “And just what might he be doing, staying put here when boy Petes supped to be going to Saratov? Oh yes! W's bi, the off, ‘avon, So mud thats whois ns. Mayor. Who? Which official? BOBCHINSKY. The official you had news of, the inspector. yy ‘MAYOR (in righ. Dear God, nol Ie cant be him, aot ‘BOBCHINSEY. Is him allright he never pays for ating and ue v2 gd) BET Heves tenn wo ea old ite? And he's even kan maxon. T wee order for horses to Saratov. fe) | os BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it’s ‘him, it must be him. He has eyes like a hawk, let me tll you. He doesn’t miss a thing. He saw we were ‘ating salmon—because of that business with Pyotr Ivanovich's stomach, you understand... Yes, and then he came over and elanced at our plates, Such a sharp Took, too: L was sare sf Mayor. Lord have mercy on us sinners! What room is he in? DOBCHINSKY. Number five, under the stairs. BOBCHINSKY. The same room where those officers started a brawl. last year. avon, And has he been here long? DOBCHINSKY. About two weeks already He artived on St Bass day, St Basil the Egyptian, that is. WY 2" seavon. Two weds [ide] Holy unt and mary tn he ; two weeks the sergeants widow has been logge The con haven't had their rations! ‘The strets are filthy, covered in yo ish Wat disgrace! What infin) [Cais hd) WARDEN OF CHARITIES. Should we mount a deputation to Anton Antonovich? t Shynt woe. No, no. Firstit shouldbe the head of the the clergy, then the tradesmen; lets do ial at asin ons ‘ats of Jo the Masguite, cot t 39 wt lapector ‘The Government Inspecor gti edly dered om atayor. No, no, Pll deal with this my way, thank you. We've had hard times before and we've pulled through and even come + was me that suid “Aba!” nop. With God's help we nigh pall dough this one to [7 ‘en I suid it. ‘Abal” we said, BOBCHINSKY.] You say he’s a young man? QUScea/ FU Qeubol ‘BOBCHINSKY. Oh yes, no more than 23 or 24. farce Spying put here when he's ies! It's him, the official, -mayon. So much the better. IP's easier to get the measure of the cones. Weld be in trouble if he wat some old dev, but_ oh exter se 9 "Youngsters are plain saling. Now gentlemen, you go and mate andl just pop round with Dobchinsky, C&™A'™ oma se the vitae gtd af. He, ese on the inspector. gl Hoos in. oN ov! vs for anything and svisTUNOV. Sit? ad he's even got an mayor. Run and get the chief of police—No wait, I need you ‘here. Go and tell someone else to fetch him, as quickly as pos- a hes eyes like sible, and then come back here. [SvisTunov races off] \saw we were WARDEN OF CHARITIES, We'd better be off, Ammos Fyodorovich, franovich’s wwe could be in fr real trouble. over and ‘yopae. What are you worried about? Just stick clean nightcaps on stiff, ‘your patients and no one will be any the wiser. — in? WARDEN oF CHARITIES. It’s not the nighteaps I'm worried about. yore “Tan supposed tobe feeding them oneal porridge, and ners peste Ly iet uch a stench of cabbage wafting down all the corridors you have a braw! to hold your breath! == jwaddeg 1 Swell lose any sleep about it. Who on earth ‘supe. Well, I'm not going to urthouse? If he does read any ofthe would want to inspect the co Basis papers in there hl bier regret it. vest fiten years the Parse nd every time 1 Took atone of those legal documents 1 throw up my hands in despair: 1 ca! it of it. / [ack sort out true fom fale inlaw r ov [Exeunt juDGE, WARDEN OF CHARITIES, INSPECTOR OF SCHO( A and postmaster, colliding in the doorway with SVISTUNOY, on t 7 ‘is way back in.) Wisden of’ kK. Solommn alle.No whe ¢ po law ond : 260 The Government Inspector SCENE IV [MAYOR, BOBCHINSKY, DOBCHINSKY and SVISTUNOV.] Mayor. Well, is the droshky ready? SVISTUNOV. It’s ready. i i it. Go and fetch me... where are til ho atard Aponte ‘one I thought I gave instructions that Prokhorov was to be here. Where's Prokhorov? SVISTUNOY. Prothorov’s in the police station, only he's not really available for duty. Mayor. How come? SUISTUNOY. Ie’ like this you see: they had to carry him in this morning, dead drunk, Your Honour. We poured two tubs of Water over him, but he still hasn't sobered up. | oh my God! Quick, run it room, do you hear, and get | my sword and my new hat. Right, Pyotr Ivanovich, let's go A oe Me too—tet me come too, Anton Antonovich! MAYOR. No, no, Pyotr TWanovich, y is eee. You can’t, you simply can’t, Tt wkward, and we wouldn't ali fit in the droshky. mopsiNsky. Never mind, Pll get there: Pil just scurry the carriage like this—ook, 1 only want to have ned chink ‘he door and get another look wt tetThe Government Inspector 261 Chemnyaev, the draper? He gave you two yards of cloth for 2 uniform and you went and swiped the whole roll! You'd better watch out, constable, you're taking more than your rank permits. On the double! SCENE V [The same, with CHIEF OF POLICE.] Mayor. Ah! Stepan Ilyich, in God’s name, where have you been? ‘What the devil are you playing at? CHIEF OF POLICE. I was here, at the gates. nose Les S_ fone Mayor. Now listen here, Stepan Ilyich! This official from St” Petersburg is in town already. What have you done about it wok CHIEF OF POLICE. As you directed: I got constable Pugovitsyn to Sfuhuf go out with some of the men and sweep the pavements. mayor. And where’s Derzhimorda? [ CHIEF OF POLICE. Derzhimorda’s gone on the fire cart. €f, Mayor. And Prokhorov’s drunk? oO cuter oF POLICE. "Fraid so. Comer ; weep Mayor. But how did you let that happen? Hier OF POLICE. God knows. There was a brawl outside town vyesterday—he went to instil order and came back drunk. fe geen Pugovi Pl tall chap, you should put him on the bridge/for effes have them pAll down that old fence by the shoemaker’s and mark it out with posts, to make it look lke a building ste, The more dare. ings we pull ritshows that the mayor i active. £7 fo “wait, good grief, 1 forgot about that rubbish behind the of fence. Forty cartloads of it, at least. What a rotten, filthy 2 this is! ‘The moment you put up Goons caves Cag they dump all sorts of refuse up against i, devil Knows where they get it all from! [Sighs.] And another thing, if this inspector happens to ask any of your men if they've got any complaints, make sure they reply: ‘No complaints at all, Your Excellency!” ‘And if any of them do want to complain then I'll give them! fee The Government Inspector | +f something to complain about afterwards... Oh dear God, I'm a | Thee sinner, I'm a wretched sinner! [Picks up the hatbox instead of his hat.) But if You pull us through this one I swear I'll light You the t candle You ever saw: I'll sting every swine eco for three poods of wax. Oh my God! Let's go, Pyotr Ivanovich! [Puts om the cardboard hatbox instead of his hat.] CHIEF oF Poxicg. Agton Antonovich, thats not a hat. ___. mayor (aging i down), So tis, damn i Kea ip Geis why they thowy haven't built a chapel for the hospital—the one we got funding Ww for five years ago—don’t forget: we started to build one, burir taxi, burnt down. I sent in a report about it. Some might forget i and say it was never even begun. And tell constable Derzhimorda © (NS Co keep his fists under control: his way of keeping order isto give God everyone a black eye, guilty and innocent alike. Let's go, Pyotr | Ae Ivanovich. [Goes out and then comes back.] And for God’s sake don't et your soldiers run around outside in the altogether: those Sick scoundrels only wear the top half of their uniforms, and nothing 2 pred teow. [Eseunt all 2 Ne, wale” SCENE VI [ANNA ANDREEVNA and MARIA ANTONOVNA run on stage.] ANNA ANDREEVNA. Where are they? Oh my God... [Opens door.] li iton! Antosha! Antonchik! [Speaks quickly.] It’s all because of Sivol ‘You, it’s all your fault. P've never seen such a performance: ‘I ‘must have a pin, I must have a ribbon.’ [Runs to mindow and calls out.) Anton, where are you going? What? He's arrived? The Inspector? Has he got a moustache? What sort of moustache? Mayor [off]. Later, dear, later. | ANNA ANDREEVNA. Later? What do you mean, later? Don’t give snus ‘me your laterl... Just tell me this: is he a colonel? What? [JVith disdain.) He's gone. You'll pay for this! You and your, ‘Mama, ‘mama, wait while I fasten my scarf, it won't take a second.’ So much for your second! Because of you we've missed everything! Vain little upstart! Just because she hears the postmaster’s here she starts preening herself in front of the mirror: first on this sidepoenr ight You the lores aloe ap, Pye Iranovics! aha) (aif Lats why they ‘one we got funding ‘pw build one, But ir diag might forget Bebehinorts ag order is to give Let's g0, Pyotr God's sake those The Goverament Inspector 263 and then on tat sie... You think he pole ce very time Jour entre EH MARIA ANTONOWNA. Oh, do stop fusing, Ms ‘Shout it in a couple of hours anyway, eae ANNA ANDREEVNA. A couple of hours! Thank you most kinc ‘och obliged im sure. Why no aya men We'd know een ore by then! (Leans out of window.] Yoohoo, Avdotyal What? Hey, Avdotya, did you find anything out? You didn't? Silly girl! He shooed you away? Well, so what if he did, you could have asked him all the same. Couldn't find out indeed! No wonder: ‘you think of nothing but men all the time, What? They drove off too quickly? Well, you should have run along behind the droshky! Get a move on now, do you hear, run and find out where they've ‘gone, and make sure you find out who this visitor is, what he's like you know! Have a peep through the keyhole and see what ‘and come straight back, do you hear? Now fan, Fister, faster, faster! [Sil shouting asthe curtain falls. Thus ‘the curtain conceals them both, standing at the window] Shark gerrsrash — Shithiy Pron dpe * bgt - Shallow,ACT II ‘Small room at the inn: bed, table, suitcase, empty bottle, boots, dlothes-brush, et. Mone SCENEI = athe ta Losir, bing on his master's bed.] Sei Meer ha ital, Pm hungry! My stomach’s clanking and rumbling so much it sounds like a regimental band. And we're not getting any nearer home, either! What a bind! Nearly two months since we | left Petersburg. His lordship’s been throwing his money about on | cathe road and now he sits with his tail between his legs doing qed damn all about it There would have been more than enough for nto the whole trip, but—oh no, he has to put on a big act every town _we stop. [Mocking him.] ‘I say, my man, scout around and find ‘me the best room they have: I can’t eat any old rubbish, you i now, nothing but the best for me.’ Itd be all right if he really (UAL was somebody, not just a measly clerk! Makes friends with some gadabout on the Toad, it’s out with the cards—and here we are stuck in this dump without a sausage. 'm sick to death of it! ‘Mind you, you can have a cushy time in the country—not too much excitement, I admit, but then it’s an easy life. Get yourself a woman and lie about on the stove* all day eating pies. But le’s it, there's no two ways about it: Petersburg’s the only place. All you need is a bit of cash and you can live the good life— ye theatres, dancing dogs, whatever takes your fancy, Everyone talks ok so refined and polite, they could all be nobles: wander along to ‘Shchulkin market,# the stallkeepers all call you Sir; take the ferry and find yourself sitting next to a government official; feel like a spot of company, drop round the shops: some brass hat will ell you about the camps, what the stars mean—simple as daylight. ‘Madame the brigadier’s missus drops in—and you should see some of them parlourmaids... Fuuah! [Laughs and shakes hs head.] Genteel’s not, ord! You'll never hear a rude word and every- one calls you/Sir If you're tired of footing it—take a cab, justold mor The Government Inspector 25~ like your lordship, and if you don't fee ike coughing up the ‘ack mgt oot fare?—No trouble, every house that has a front door has a back door too and you beat itso fast the devil himself wouldn't catch ‘you. There's one problem with his lordship, mind: either you're stuffed to the eyeballs or you're to death. Like now, for ite Andrea Tenia és one ‘enough t0 keep going for a fore you know it he’s ee Spe) + boil, boots, Gone. ek cn tie meen iding around in cabs, sending for theatre edt very night, and come the end ofthe week he packs you jy, han le, offto the flea market with his new taileoat. Hel ell the lot, t00, id right down to his scruffist jacket and overcoat. He spends & nbling so siht downy ib suf jc and and ow CoOL ‘ting any ime if he doesn’t sel it for twenty. And his trousers just go for a 4 And why? Because he won't work, that’s why. You won't ing round the fe iin the offer 6, he has to be s boulevards and playit cards, I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes if the old man fo rout! Him being a civil servant won't cut any jice with the old man: it'll be up with his coat-tails and he’ll get such a tanning he'll be smarting for days. Let’ fae it, if you've gota jb todo, damn well do it. Now the landlord says no more peed tl we pay for what we've had—and what if we don't pay? [Sighs] Holy God, what I woula’t do right now fora bow! of cabbage soup! P'm that hungry Icould ext a carthorse. Whoops — Someone coming, must be his lordship. [Quickly jumps off the bed] SCENE II [ost and KHLESTAKOV.] uesraxov. Here—take this. [Hands ostp his hat and cane.) What's this loafing about on my bed again? ur bed? Haven't I ever seen a bed sr, Why should I loaf on yo before? Kuesraxoy, You've been loafing on it, you liar, Look—it’s all rumpled. Don’t I know what a bed is? I’ve got ostp. I don’t need any bed. 1? What do I want with your bed? legs, Ican stand on them, canlow 266 The Government Inspector kutestaKov [walking up and down). Look in th there’s any tobacco left. sip, Tobacco! What tobacco? You smoked the last scrap three days ago. : $ ‘and down, twisting his mouth in different KHLESTAKOV [paces up : | nays, Finally says in aloud and determined voice]. Now listen here, Osip! ost. Yes, what is it? KHLESTAKOV [loud, but not quite so determined]. You go down. osip. Down where? KHLESTAKOV [most undetermined, almost pleading]. Down to the dlining-room... and tell them... they're to give me some lunch, osip. No chance. You won't catch me going down. KHLESTAKOY. Don’t you dare disobey me, you oaf! oste. Even if I did go it wouldn't be any good. The landlord said he won't give us any more to eat. KHLESTAKoV. What impertinence! I won’t stand for it! sip. And he also says he’s going to the Mayor: ‘You've been here two weeks without paying,’ he says. ‘You and your master,’ \¢ bag and see if SEH), m he says, ‘you're a right pair of crooks, and your master’s « hymen Weve sar the Hiss far bere,” he says, ‘sponges enktled and scoundrels.’ KHLESTAKOV. And what are you so pleased about, you rat? str. And he says: ‘If we just let everybody come along and set up house here we'd never get rid of them. I'm telling you straight, he says, ‘T'l be as good as my word, I’m going straight to the Mayor to have you two put in gaol” -PUTS KHLESTAKOv. All right, you dolt, that'll do! Now go and tell him to send up my lunch, What an uncouth brute! str. P'd best call him up here to talk to you. KHLESTAKOV. What do I want to sce the landlord for? You tell him yourself. osiP. But it’s no good... KHLESTAKOV. Oh for God’s sake, go and fetch the landlord then. [Exit ost.)The Government Inspector 261 SCENE III Monal ont ‘ [KHLESTAKOV alone] Ie’ terrible to be so hungry! I took a bit of a walk, thought it would help, make my appetite go away—but it made no differ- ute ence, damn it. If only I hadn’t gone on the razzle in Penza we'd have had enough money to get home. That infantry captain cable. really rooked me a fro." The hands he kept on dealing himsel, 9 the rogue! Sat down for quarter of an hour, and cleaned me out. All the same, I wouldn’t half mind another bash at him. Never had a chance, What a dump this town is! Even the shopkeepers won't give you anything on tick, Skinflins! [Walks up and down bakt histling air from Robert f€ Diable then a popular song, then any © PE old thing.] Why aren’t they coming? expat SCENE IV ‘ te [KHLESTAKOV, OSIP and WAITER.] WAITER. The landlord sent me to see what you would be wanting. KHLESTAKOV. Well, hello, my dear chap! How are you today? warrer. Very well, thanks bevo God. KHLESTAKOY. And how’s business? Everything going all right? warren. Yes, thanks be to God, everything's all right. HLESTAKOY. Plenty of guests? 'warrer. Plenty to be getting on with, yes. xuLesTaKov. Now look here, my dear chap. They haven’t brought ‘me my lunch yet, and P've got some urgent business to attend to, so run along and chivvy them a bit, there’s a good fellow. warrer. The landlord says we're not to serve you any more. What's more, he says he’s going to the Mayor to complain about you. KHLESTAKOV. Complain? Really, my dear fellow, what about? I ‘mean, a chap’s got to eat, hasn’t he? I'l waste away at this rate! T'm really hungry, I mean that seriously. warrer. Yes, sir. But the landlord said: ‘He’s not getting another bite till he’s paid for what he’s had.’ Those were his very words. Sweet trlking - onhtledmated hig Status 268 The Government Inspector KHLESTAKOV, But can’t you reason with him, explain to him? WATER. What must I explain to him? \wurn| (fou KHLESTAKOV. Make him understand, T've got to eat. Why worry about the money? The peasant, he thinks that if he engite ‘dd day without food, other people can too. I like that! WAITER. Very well, Pll tell him. SCENE V [xtestaKoy alone] ‘Whar'll I do if he says no? I’ve never been so hungry in my lifel my trousers perhaps? No: I'll ‘hang on to my Peters suit if I have to starve to death in it. What a pity Yockim® wouldn't hire me that carriage in St Petersburg: it would have been devilish grand to ride home in a gangs diving pik the dermal ne ih sur’s porch, lamps blazing away and Osip perched up behind in livery. I can just imagine all the excitement: ‘Who is it?” ‘What is ite” And the footman, all in gold livery, announces [drawing him- self up, playing the footmani: ‘Ivan Alexandrovich Khlestakov presents his card, is Your Lordship receiving?’ The louts, they don’t even know what ‘receiving’ means. If some cloddish land- owner goes visiting round there he barges straight into the draw- ing-room, like a bear. I should step up to the pretty daughter: ‘Mademoiselle, may I.’ [Rubs his hands and scrapes hs foot.) Pfuil [Spits] P'm so hungry I feel sick! SCENE VI [KHLESTAKOV, OSIP, then WAITER.] KHLESTAKOV. Well? osip. They're bringing lunch, KHLESTAKOV [claps his hands and jigs up and down on his chair]. They're bringing lunch! Hooray! warreRr [with plates and a napkin]. The landlord says it’s the time. a Ms st Wwee i ca Government Inspector 269 KHLESTAKOY. landlord can... 1 spit Y. that you've. got spit on the landlord! What’s WAITER. Soup and roast. KHLESTAKOV. What—only two courses? WAITER, That’s it. KHLESTAKOV. That's outrageous! I won't put up with that! You go and ask him what the devil he thinks he’s doingl... It’s not enough! waAITER, The landlord says it’s too much. Cs foo much KHLESTAKOV. Why's there no gravy? WAITER. There isn’t any. KHLESTAKOV. What d’you mean, there isn’t any? I saw them mak- ing it when I went past the kitchen, oodles of it. And what about the salmon? There were two short little characters tucking into salmon and lots of other goodies this morning in the dining- room. WAITER. Well, there is and there isn’t, you might say. KHLESTAKOV. What do you mean, there isn’t? WAITER. Just isn’t any, that’s all. KHLESTAKOV. No salmon, no fish, no rissoles? warren, Well, there is, but only for proper customers. KHLESTAKOV. You stupid oaf! warrer. Yes, sit. xuesTaxov. You horrible little pig... Why should they be given the food and not me? I'm a guest of the hotel too, you know. WArreR, Well, that’s because they're different. xuLEsTaKov. What do you mean, different? warrer. Ie’ simple: they pay their bills. kniesrakov. I'm not going to waste time talking to you, you idiot, [adles out soup and cas.) What's cis? Call tis soup? You've just poured dishwater into a cup: i's got no taste, it stinks, I don’t want this, take it away. warrer. Certainly. The Jandlord says, if you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it.The Government Inspector 270 i th his hands|. No, no, no, no, KHLESTAKOV [protecting the food fs in the habit of treating by lave it there, you fol. You may be inthe habit He obi hgh other guests like this, but I wouldn’t advise y 2 wh ah "fend, Tm a cut above them, (Bair) God, w revoing : ma (Con eee cating TT doubt anyone else in the world has a aay eaten such slop. Feathers floating in it instead of fat. [Cus OSC iV chicken in soup] Good grief! You eal that chicken? Let’s try the or roast. There's a bit of soup left, Osip, help yourself [Carves hettey, roast.] What in God’s name is this? Not meat, that’s for sure, G q) Waiter. ‘Well, what is it then? a TT AKOY- Devil only knows, but it’s most definitely not meat. fF They must have cooked the kitchen cleaver, [Eats.] Look at the teed rubbish they're feeding me! The scoundrels, one mouthfal’s Tike Bry onake Your jaws ache. [Picks his eth} Rogues! Ie just tie bits of bark: look!—won’t come out, Ie Probably turn my vehan Clack. The brigands! [Wipes his mouth work napkin] Well, what else is there? WAITER. That's the lot. XHLESTAKOV. What! Thay’ Pastry. The scoundrels! [watrer clears up criminal! Not even ing travellers, that’s and exits with osip any sauce or what it is! SCENE viy [KHLESTaKoy, then just a8 if Pd not eal Thad a bit Of the ostp.] KHLESTAKOY, It's appetite, If only bun, exummuemmn