UNDERSTANDING SELF-ESTEEM & SELF AWARENESS

Self worth and Self- esteem are things that I have battled with for a very long time. Being a competitive athlete

at one time in my life and then being paralyzed and losing the ability to do so many things really has an impact on

The spirit. I know that what I am can and cannot do physically, especially when it comes to sports, does not define

Me as a person, nonetheless, mental illness is a real thing, and so I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have

PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. I was also in a very short, very abusive marriage where I was told how

worthless I was because I could not walk, and how I would be a better person if I were able-bodied, and this is after

I had knew the person for years. I just didn’t understand. Additionally, I have had five surgeries since 2017, and

this is the first time that I’ve actually been cleared to go out regularly. Socializing is still difficult, and I feel

extremely inadequate. Being isolated, practically on bed rest for the last 4 years has done a lot of damage to my

body that I still need extensive physical therapy for, O.A.S.I.S has not been as helpful as I thought they would be.

They didn’t tell my personal fitness and health professor that I was a student with a disability and the very first

project, all the students had to walk a mile, do push ups, v-sit reach stretch, crunches (I can do those), and I even

told her in our class introductions that I was disabled. But I had a very stressful first two weeks and almost did not

do the project at all, because it was so triggering for me. There is literally a chart that compares your scores with

other woman your age to determine your fitness. I thought it was very ablest and unfair to make me participate

and have me rated against able-bodied women.

It often makes me feel better to help other people, knowing I’m helping other people. After my car accident,

(the MySpace days, Facebook for college only) I would be online all the time, and if I saw anyone that was in

distress, I made a point to reach out and find out how I could help them. I do not invest as much time doing that

now, as I am much busier, but I still go out of my way to rescue the strays. I guess, the way I wish I have needed

someone to talk to for so long. But I am too selfless, and I feel like my wounds are too deep that it is a rabbit hole I

do not want to fall down and relive, I suppose. But I am self-aware of myself and where I am on a spectrum of my

self-esteem and self-worthiness. I do feel like I am worthy and deserving of everything in life. I just have a lot of
self-work and therapy I need to go through, In order to get to a place where I CAN even make those things I’m

worth and deserve even close to a reality, because I am still very much a broken person inside. I am just taking it

one day at a time.