One of my ways of making a relationship

is that I never put up with it.

I'm trying to say everything I want,

and I'm trying to figure out

what they want.

Because I have a few relationships

so it's very important

to figure out their needs.

In our "have to do" life,

We do things that control and suppress

our emotions and actions.

Three things change

when we decide to live

our life to
"choose to do" life.

Hello everyone.

Today's theme is "die alone".

I chose some keywords

about "die alone".

There are "relationship",

"life",

"death", and "conversation".

Let's talk about "die alone"

with these four keywords.

When I prepared this lecture,

I worried a lot.

It was the bed time.

My friend sent me a line

with the message

"It's a really good line".

Many of you may know

"Kim Boojang"

That's a story of ubervisor.

There were two employees,

One employee said to superior.

"Life is just a moment,

so we have to live in high spirits."

But superior said

"No, death is a moment.

Life is everyday."

to the employee.

Some of you are already

know the meaning of what superior said.

Maybe you may feel something

from this story.

Me either.

Life is everyday.

How do you live your everyday life?

I think most of us do this.

Check the phone first when I wake up.

And think what I have to do.

Choose one thing what you think that

you have to do in your daily life.

For example, I have to make a breakfast.

I have to smile even though I am angry.

I have to bear.

I have to work.

There are many things.

But, I have another question.

Does the things that

you think "have to do"
go well and follow your plan?

Maybe no.

I'm in a middle age,

so I think the first half of

my life would be ended

and I'm in the second half.

But when I think the things

that I really did my best,

not everything went sweetly

and according to plan.

Of course sometimes
I did something,

but there were a lot of failures.

During our lifetime,

at some point,

we experience our own things.

I think we lose a lot of things.

Many experiences come with many losses.

Some of you might have had to part ways

with someone you don't want,

Some of you might have

thought it was life job,

but you might have had to come out of it

Some of you may have sent your family

to a place you can't see again.

Unexpected events give us

a new viewpoint.

No more in relationship

that we face to life.

We started to think something

in the view of death

that feel far from us.

That's our new viewpoint.

With that point,

people check the situation,

position, and relationship.

In the relationship that is unaccomplished

as much as one wanted,

we feel lonely.

And with feeling "lonely",

paradoxically look back on

what our relationship really was like.

I'm going to talk about

one of my trainees.

I felt a lot of feelings.

First, he was great.

Second, he was pitiful.

He was his family's story

when we talk about "regret".

His father passed away

when he was a child.

Unexpected death.

We called it a traumatic death.

During the funeral,

he saw his mother's futile face.

He still remember it clearly.

He said that he made up mind to do that

he shouldn't give mother a hard time

and should comfort her.

Second, he decided to call

his mother in different title

"mother", not "mom".

And he called his mother as "mother"

until the day he became
a father of one child.

He grew as a good boy.

He tried hard to be a good boy

until graduate the university

not to be a bad boy

to his mother.

Anyway, he became a good adult.

And his mother got old

in the face of death.

So his mother was in the hospital.

As you know,
he called his mother as "Mother".

One day, his mother was

in really bad condition.

In spite of himself,

he was in a hurry and

called her "Mom" several times.

Then, she saw him

and said with powerless voice.

"Son, I've always been waiting

for you to call me 'Mom'".

We think a lot

with the point "have to do".

And when we live

with the point "have to do",

we can get a lot of good things,

but we have to check

if there is something we miss.

There is two things

in the "have to do" life.

With the thoughts" have to do",

we do things that control and suppress

our emotions and actions.

I want to recall the story

"Mother and Son".

Was it the first time

that his mother said to her son?

What do you think?

I think it maybe no.

She said it many times.

Then, why the saying

was meaningful to the son

finally?

When we lose something important

or have a hard time,

We all ask existential questions about

whether I'm really living well.

And even things that

we didn't hear before,

at that moment,
come to us with very heavy words

So the same thing sounds different to us,

depending on who did it to me

at some point and how.

Everyone, what do you want

my beloved brother

to do when he's working?

When my beloved child becomes

an adult and gets married,

What do you want my child

to do with his or her spouse?

Do you want my child to

give up all his desires
and devote himself
to the needs of others?

Do you want my beloved brother to put

all desires aside and work

for the growth of the company of team

when he is in the organization?

The person you really love wants

him or her to live so independently

that follow one's needs

and choose what he or she need.

You want it more than anyone else.

We have to think the story "Mother".

The deep love of mother.

"Son, I always wanted you to

comfortably call me mom."

We have to think one more time.

Recall the thing

that you chose "have to do"

There are two reasons why we

must change into "choose to do".

The first is because it's so helpful

for us to live independently.

The second is because it's the skill

we need in our relationship

with the person we love.

Because we want the person who loves

to live like that.

Everyone,

please think about what you need to do.

Like subtitles.
What I have to do.

I have to make a breakfast for my child.

But I'm going to change that word

to "what do I choose to do this for?"

For example, I choose to

prepare breakfast

because I want my child

to live a healthy day.

It's not that I have to

have a relationship,

but I choose to

have a relationship
for a happier and richer life.

Not saying have to develop myself,

but choosing to develop myself

for a more meaningful and growing life.

Three things can be changed

if you look at what's different

when you change it to "choose."

The first is that even if

you do the same thing,

you can do it with

a completely different motive.

The second is that

it gives me the courage to give up

or cut it boldly

if it's something I don't really need.

Third, there's a space

where it escaped you can relax.

It's a chance

to fill it up with
something I really want.
"Choose".

It's really giving us

a lot of things.

Are we living a life of choice

Or are we still living in a life that

we have to endure and do?

If you've all experienced

a huge loss in your own lives,

and you're wondering

if you're really living well,

if you're thinking about

how to really live your life,

then we're going to have to

think about how much balance.

When this breaks,

humans experience
three kinds of isolation.

The first is the isolation of individuals.

Getting confused.

One day, when I think I'm doing well

and I realize that I'm not doing well,

we collapse and

become very isolated inside.

Second, interpersonal relationships

are isolated.

We've done a great job

of giving up on me,

but when he doesn't

know how grateful he is,

or he wants more,
or he seems to be manipulating me,

we collapse interpersonal relationships

That leads to existential isolation.

Is this how much
my life was like?

Am I living a good life?

So, "choose" is

the connection with myself.

Changing "have to do"

in "choose to do".

That's the connection with myself.

It's not like

unconditionally and unconsciously.

A return to the independent life

that my wife chooses to do this

by this desire by this need.

It's a connection with myself.

To do this, I try to express it

to the other person as much as possible.

One of my trainees was

an executive director in his late 50s.

But this person has a lot of

scratchback in every corner.

But one day he couldn't see a scratchback

but his habit woke me up

when he scratched his back.

The next day was the education day.

He came and said

for fun

I didn't scratch
because there was no scratchback.

So I asked if there was no one.

He said there was a son.

He was 26 years old.

I asked
"why didn't you asked him

to scratch your back?"

He said he never asked like that.

He never.

Why didn't you express?

He said he was embarrassed

to ask such a favor.

So I gave him a mission.

Ask son to scratch your back

after you go home today.

And see your son's reaction.

Our course was 8 weeks course,

and next week he came and said

he had a great time.

So I asked him what happend.

He said

he talked with his son

during scratching his back

about his body.

His son said

"I didn't realize your

body getting smaller"

"I think you lose muscle"

"You need to work out"

They talk about the way

to exercise for his health.

We have to express.

It is okay to express
if there is something you want.

The people who we love

may wait for us to express.

For the last, I'm going to
talk about D. Yalom.

D. Yalom is my favorite scholar.

At the end of the book,

Psychotherapy and Human Condition,

there's a story that

Hermann Hesse mentioned.

The story is about

psychotherapists Joseph and Dion.

They were two of the leading

psychotherapists in both regions

Joseph was the young psychotherapist.

He had brilliant ears.

So many people felt ease

just by talking to Joseph.

Joseph was the charming person

that heal people.

And Dion.

Dion was an old psychotherapist.

This guy was very analytical,

and he was very inspiring,

and he was able to treat and fix things

that no one else could see,

and he was inspiring people

with a lot of inspiration.

They were rivals.

Over the years, each of them

has been helping a lot of people,

making their mark in their area.

Then one day,

this young Joseph began to feel sick.

I got a lot of comfort

from reading this part.

No human being can be perfect,

even though it's just a part of a novel.

A psychotherapist named Joseph,

who helps a lot of people,

eventually had a mental illness

and later gradually began to

speak out in a self-destructive voice.

Joseph sets out to seek help from Dion

When Joseph walked for days and days

and was halfway through, and was resting for a while

because he was tired,

he saw an old man sitting there

Joseph went to the man.

And he said to the old man.

"I'm here for those reasons".

Then the old man was surprised.

He said "I'm Dion".

I understand your story.

I know your reputation.

Let's go and I'll help you.

Yes, he was a very active healer.

They taught like students for a few years,

and for a few years, they became so close

that they became colleagues.

Dion was old, and he was sick,

and he was almost dying.

One day, Dion called Joseph.

He said "I want to tell you something.

Do you remember the day when we met?"

"Yes, of course.
That day was my turning point.

I never forget that day."

Joseph expressed his gratitude.

Then Dion said,

"I have something to tell you"

What he said is

"In fact, I was so distressed and in pain

that I was on my way to find you

and get help from you.

But it was so nice to meet you

in the middle and stay together like this.

What I feel from this story is

the connection.

The first great point of Joseph is

that he connected his need and himself

by choosing.

'I need a help'

'I need to choose to get a help.'

'I have to go to Dion to get a help.'

It's important that you're important

in your life choosing what you think.

We should never be afraid of that.

I've been training people to talk for the past 17 years

People think that I'm ENFP

but I'm INFP.

Actually, my personal
relationship isn't that wide.

After meeting a lot of people like this,

I don't have many friend

who I told my everything.

Maybe less than 5 people.

I just meet same people.

But one of my ways of making

relationships with them

is that I never put up with them

I try to say everything I want..

And I'm really trying to

figure out what they want.

Because I have only a few people.

So it is important to care about them.

But I found one secret.

People who have met a lot of

people over the past 17 years

and have had deep,

sincere relationships for a long time

have never been just sacrificial.

They had the ability

to clearly recognize
what their needs were,

to clearly recognize what others wanted,

to coordinate their needs.

In that book, D. Yalom said

people who have lived a life

that they haven't lived yet are

more anxious and afraid of death.

What can we say it

in a different way?

The more things we do in our lives,

the more things we want,

the more things we enjoy,

the less anxiety we have about death.

I think,

in our life,
we regret a lot of things.

We leave a lot of regrets.

And from that we learn and grow up.

And based on our experience,

very grateful experience,

when we look forward to future,

I mean in the way to death,

if we live just for the way to live,

from this moment

or from this age

we can live with looking forward to

death.

But you can't keep looking at death

as if you can't keep looking at the sun.

But we can aware that

there is death.

If we can think about

how we will live today

while recognizing death,

our lives can live

without being lonely

while looking at death.

Second, I want to tell you two things

that death may not be lonely anymore.

Thank you for listening to my lecture.

Thank you.