Anne Andrus

Hana Jabr

English 2010

14 September 2023

50 Years of Disappointment

Stanton Smith is my neighbor up the street. He has been a very dear friend of my parents

for years. I never knew much about Stanton, until yesterday. Stanton was a very active member

of the LDS church for over 50 years. Deep roots of Mormonism lie in both his mothers side, and

his fathers side. Originating from a polygamist family in Draper Utah. Stanton has 3 older

brothers, and an identical twin brother named Steven. Stanton told me that there was always

something “different” about Steven, but he could never put his finger on it. He told me that

Steven was always much better with girls than he was, Stanton was always kind of “afraid” of

them. He said that his twin however was not great at sports, while Stanton excelled at them. In

the 70’s there was not much contrast between society in the United States and the Church of

Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They had the same right and wrongs, and the same rules.

Stanton mentioned that in the 70’s and even throughout the 90’s, you did not want to be a

homosexual… even if you kind of suspected that you were. Stanton later discovered that his

brother Steven was gay.

Steven and Stanton wanted to join the military and become pilots. Stanton never did

become a pilot, but Steven was very active in the military for a long time. Steven was married

and had 2 young children. While away on duty, Steven would have affairs with men. “Back then

it was not dont ask dont tell… it was your gay your out of the military” Stanton told me. He said

that Steven knew it was wrong, and struggled with his mental health because of his actions.
Stanton told me that his brother nearly jumped off a bridge to end his life … but decided to go

home and tell his wife about his affairs and his sexuality instead.

When Steven returned to the U.S. he came out to his wife about his sexual preferences,

and they were both tested for AIDS. Devastatingly, they were both HIV positive… Steven was a

member of the bishopric at his church. He was excommunicated from the LDS church due to his

homosexuality. Steven and his family decided to move back to Salt Lake City to be near his

family and make arrangements for their young children, as AIDS is incurable. They were going

to die. Stanton cried… he told me how devastating it was. And how devistating it still is, how

painful. All Steven had left was his faith in the church. Steven and his wife begged to stay

members of the church in Salt Lake City. Surprisingly, they were allowed to remain members.

Stanton said he assumed that they were allowed to stay because “they were going to die

anyways”. In the year 2000, Steven died a loyal member of the LDS church.

Stanton shared with me a story of him and Steven back when they were about 14 years

old. The Bishop had asked them to do landscaping for their church. Of course they agreed, and

were eager to help. There was a janitor that worked at the church around the same time that the

boys would go and work outside. The janitor had exposed himself to Stanton and Steven… But

Stanton said they had assumed it was just “funny” and that it was an accident. The janitor had

taken over a small classroom inside the church. Inside was a cot, an electric massager, and he

had even added a lock to the door. One day, the janitor has lured Stanton into this room. Stanton

said he had a bad “gut feeling” when the man plugged in his electric massager and placed it on

Stanton's shoulder... He ran away. Stanton learned that his brother Steven had been lured into that

room as well, and Steven later told Stanton, “I guess when your first sexual experience is with a

man.. I guess it makes you gay”. Stanton choked up while telling me his brother's explanation for
being gay. It was heart wrenching to imagine the sexual abuse he must have endured. Stanton

made it very clear that his brother did not need a reason or explanation for being gay, he just was

who he was.

Stanton had been struggling with his faith for over a decade after his brother Steven died.

Stanton said he had started exploring different podcasts and readings about the Mormon church.

He explored different points of views that he had never thought of before. In 2015, gay marriage

became legal in all 50 states. In November of 2015, the LDS church generated a new policy

requiring children of same sex parents to disavow their parents for being homosexual. Stanton

said that it was probably “The hardest thing I have had to go through''. Stanton said it was

heartbreaking for him. This was his faith he had been so devoted to for his whole life. He said he

imagined his nephews would have to publicly show their disapproval towards their dad (his twin

brother Steven) if he was still alive. Stanton said that was the end for him. He was done going to

church. He was done with Mormonism. He said that it was very painful, and he made the

decision right then and there… that he could never go back. Stanton loved his brother very much.

Mormon culture had greatly impacted the mental health and wellbeing of Steven, Stanton and his

family.
2,560 × 1,440
Riess, Jana. “Mormon Women and Depression, Revisited.” Religion News Service, 5 July

2022, religionnews.com/2017/04/25/mormon-women-and-depression-revisited/.

Donnelly, Claire, et al. “Mormon Women Confront Power and Patriarchy in the LDS

Church.” On Point, WBUR, 31 Jan. 2023,

www.wbur.org/onpoint/2023/01/31/the-mormon-women-standing-up-against-abuse-in-the-

lds-church.

Park, McKenna. “Mormon Culture Influences Mental Illness Trends among Members.”

The Daily Universe, 23 Apr. 2018,

universe.byu.edu/2018/02/05/mental-illness-1/#:~:text=Utah%2C%20where%2062.8%20p

ercent%20of,and%20access%20to%20health%20care.